Comedy Central Presents 5x11

Directed by

Bil Dwyer as Himself

Bil Dwyer vents his frustration with married life and fatherhood in this Comedy Central Presents stand-up special.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

2. FROM NEW YORK CITY...

3. Captioning made possible by

4. OH, MAN!

5. HOLY MOLY!

6. AH-HA!

7. MAN, HOW GREAT IS THIS?

8. NOT JUST FOR YOU, BUT FOR ME, TOO!

9. MAN, IF YOU'RE A COMIC

10. ONE OF THE GREATEST GIGS,

11. WHAT MIGHT BE BETTER,

12. NEXT STADIUM TOUR,

13. 70,000 PEOPLE AT THE ROSE BOWL,

14. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME YOUR OPENING ACT,

15. BIL DWYER"

16. THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

17. HEY, WHO REMEMBERS RAZZLES?

18. GUM OR CANDY OR WHAT?

19. DONE ON THIS,

20. IN THEIR LAB COATS?

21. THANK YOU, THAT'S MY TIME.

22. I'M GONNA BRING OUT YOUR HEADLINERS,

23. IN THE WORLD,

24. YOU'VE SEEN THEM ON DON KIRSHNER'S ROCK CONCERTS,

25. THE MIDNIGHT SPECIAL,

26. FROM ALTAMONT,

27. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE ROLLING STONES!

28. AND THEN I WALK OFFSTAGE,

29. "FOLLOW THAT, YOU SKINNY, LIMY BASTARDS, YES!"

30. YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU MUGS ON THE BUS.

31. SO I'M A CATHOLIC,

32. AND AS A CATHOLIC, I WAS TAUGHT TO FEAR GOD.

33. AND, YOU KNOW, HE CAN SMELL IT ON YOU,

34. LIKE A DOG.

35. AND THAT'S THE ONLY RELIGION I KNOW, CATHOLICISM.

36. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OTHER RELIGIONS, LIKE, UH...

37. LUTHERANS?

38. WHO DO THOSE PEOPLE WORSHIP, LEX LUTHER?

39. THAT'S THE BALD GUY FROM SUPERMAN.

40. THAT'S CERTAINLY A FALSE ICON, I WOULD THINK.

41. SOMETIMES FOR INSPIRATION.

42. I KNOW I DON'T LOOK LIKE IT, I MEAN, I KNOW I LOOK LIKE

43. AN ARYAN MAGICIAN, I DON'T KNOW.

44. "VATCH ME PULL OUT OF MY HAT,

45. THEY BELONG, IN MY HAT!"

46. I GREW THE GOATEE SO I DON'T LOOK SO MUCH LIKE ANN HECHE.

47. ON THE STREET,

48. "HEY, YOU STILL A LESBIAN?"

49. HOW DO I ANSWER THAT?

50. "WELL, I SHARE SIMILAR INTERESTS.

51. I DON'T LIKE THE INDIGO GIRLS, WRONG EQUIPMENT."

52. OUTSIDE OF L.A.

53. HAS A HUGE ARMENIAN POPULATION.

54. SIDE OF ARMENIA, APPARENTLY,

55. I KNOW THEY'RE MY FRIENDS,

56. "BIL, MY FRIEND,"

57. WHICH I LOVE, I LOVE THAT!

58. ENGLISH-SOUNDING NAMES.

59. IT'S ALWAYS OFF BY JUST ONE LETTER OR SOMETHING.

60. THERE'LL BE A KNOCK AT THE DOOR,

61. "HELLO, BIL, MY FRIEND."

62. "HEY, HOW'S IT GOING, MARF?

63. "ALL RIGHT!

64. "GOOD TO SEE YOU, PAULP.

65. "YEAH, YOU BET.

66. "WHAT'S UP, BRIAB? WHERE'S DOVID?"

67. HOMELESS PEOPLE OUT IN L.A.

68. "PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE THE PANHANDLERS."

69. YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M GOING UP TO 'EM,

70. "HEY, WAY TO GO, PANHANDLER!

71. "YOUR DOING A GREAT JOB, PANHANDLER!

72. "YOU HOLD ON TO THOSE PANHANDLING DREAMS!

73. PANHANDLE GO!"

74. OR A HANDLE, DO YA?

75. I'D LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY MAKING EGGS OUT THERE,

76. "HEY, A PANHANDLER!"

77. RECENTLY,

78. WENT INTO A STRIP CLUB, TOTALLY NUDE.

79. STICKING TO THE SEAT,

80. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS GREAT.

81. KEEP ADJUSTING,

82. "ALL RIGHT!

83. DON'T WANT TO SIT ON THESE BABIES."

84. THEY DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU TIP THEM WITH QUARTERS,

85. DO THEY, THE STRIPPERS?

86. NO, IT DOESN'T MAKE THEM HAPPY,

87. 'CAUSE THEY'RE GENERALLY SUCH A HAPPY BUNCH.

88. GAMBLE IN LAS VEGAS IS?

89. 99 CENT SHRIMP COCKTAIL.

90. THAT'S BARGAIN SHRIMP IN THE DESERT,

91. WHERE'S THAT COMING FROM?

92. LAKE MEAD?

93. "HEY, THESE ARE SEA MONKEYS, AREN'T THEY?

94. "IT IS!

95. "IT'S A BRINE SHRIMP COCKTAIL.

96. I JUST ATE THE KING, I KNOW."

97. AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN IN VEGAS?

98. YOU KNOW, I KNOW IT'S FUN

99. 500 OR A 1000 BUCKS A CRACK,

100. THOSE PEOPLE ON.

101. "CHERRY, CHERRY...

102. "OH, A PLUM!

103. "DUDE, THAT WAS ALMOST A QUARTER!

104. "OH, MAN!

105. "IMAGINE THAT JINGLE-JANGLING IN YOUR CUP, HUH?

106. "YOU BIG STUD.

107. WHO WANTS SHRIMP COCKTAIL, LET ME SEE IF I GOT ENOUGH."

108. AND THERE'S A LOT OF OLD PEOPLE IN VEGAS.

109. AND NOT TO RIP OLD PEOPLE,

110. BUT I'M ABOUT TO.

111. I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN THEY PLAY GAMES,

112. "GUESS HOW OLD I AM?"

113. I DON'T KNOW, 107?

114. I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME.

115. YOUR HEIGHT?

116. 40 YEARS AGO,

117. THAN WHAT IT IS NOW.

118. THAT I'M AFRAID OF ESCALATORS.

119. AT THE MALL, AND THEY'RE,

120. "AHH, AHH, EHH, AHH, OHH, HERE I GO!

121. ONE... TWO..."

122. HEY, JUMP ON, WILL YA?

123. IT'S NOT A DRAGON, LET'S GO!

124. GOT CAUGHT ONCE,

125. WELL, YELL FOR HELP, YOU'RE IN A MALL!

126. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

127. "WELL, HERE I AM IN DEATH VALLEY,

128. "HEY, AN ESCALATOR!

129. "I'LL JUST JUMP ON IT SIX INCHES TOO LONG.

130. HAPPENS TO ME."

131. YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO BREAK MY HIP,

132. AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN FEAR OF IT, EITHER.

133. THAT'S WHY THEY WALK SO SLOW.

134. YOU KNOW, EVERY STEP,

135. "PLEASE DON'T SLIP, NO SLIPPING.

136. "I PRAY TO

137. "TO HAVE MERCY ON ME.

138. I OFFER UP THE SAME PRAYER, BUT MORE INTENSE."

139. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

140. I'M A FATHER.

141. WE DIDN'T WANT PETS.

142. AND UH, YOU EVER MEET THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAY,

143. "OH, I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS.

144. MY CATS ARE MY KIDS."

145. OH, YEAH?

146. IN SCHOOL?

147. WITH THE WRONG GROUP OF CATS?

148. AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WHEN YOU'RE

149. AND YOU SAY TO 'EM,

150. "GOOD NIGHT, SLEEP TIGHT, DON'T LET THE BED BUGS BITE" ?

151. DRIFTING OFF TO DREAMLAND.

152. "GOOD NIGHT, YOU HAVE INSECTS IN YOUR ROOM."

153. GODABAH!

154. "I HOPE SPIDERS DON'T CRAWL INTO YOUR EARS,

155. "GOOD NIGHT, BUDDY!

156. "ALL RIGHTY NOW, IT'S NIGHTY-NIGHT TIME.

157. "HEY, I HOPE A MONSTER DOESN'T

158. AND DRAG YOU OFF TO HELL, GOOD NIGHT, PAL!"

159. "WHAT WAS THAT?

160. "OH, I THOUGHT I SAW SOMETHING UNDER YOUR BED.

161. "ALL RIGHT, NIGHTY-NIGHTY NOW.

162. "ALL RIGHTY, NIGHTY-NIGHTY, MR. TIGHTY-WHITEY SIGHTY-BITEY.

163. "HEY, WHY YOU CRYING?

164. "COME ON, I'M GONNA TURN OFF THE NIGHT-LIGHT, SISSY,

165. TIME TO GROW UP."

166. WELL, THAT'S HIS NAME.

167. RIGHT THERE.

168. AND IF YOU HAVE KIDS,

169. WANT WITH THEIR MIDDLE NAMES,

170. YOU KNOW, YOU NAME YOUR SON JIMMY,

171. CRACK CORN.

172. HE WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

173. "HA, HA, HA, OH, MY FUNNY FATHER."

174. "DADDY, WHAT HAPPENS TO DOGS WHEN THEY GO TO HEAVEN?"

175. "UH, I DON'T KNOW, LETS SEE, BUDDY,

176. "THEY GO TO A DOG HEAVEN AND IT'S ALL DOGS,

177. "AND, UH, NO ONE TO FEED 'EM.

178. "YEAH, YEAH, JUST CANS, OPENERS STREWN AROUND,

179. YEAH, SORRY, PAL, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS."

180. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AS A FATHER.

181. FOR MY DAUGHTER'S COSTUME,

182. AND SHE WENT AS A CHAIN SMOKER.

183. SO CUTE.

184. SHE WAS WHEEZING, HER CLOTHES STUNK.

185. OF BREATH MINTS.

186. I'M TELLING YOU, THAT WAS SOMETHING SPECIAL.

187. TO THE ZOO RECENTLY,

188. AND, UH, THE ALLIGATOR HASN'T MOVED SINCE LAST JULY.

189. SURE HE'S GOT A FEW MORE PENNIES ON HIS BACK,

190. BUT NO MOVEMENT WHATSOEVER.

191. NOT GETTING A LOT OF RESPECT, THE ALLIGATOR.

192. SO I THOUGHT,

193. "WELL, I REMEMBER

194. "OF THE PETTING ZOO WHEN I WAS A KID,

195. I'LL TAKE MY KIDS TO THE PETTING ZOO."

196. APPARENTLY, I'D MISTAKEN

197. OF THE PETTING ZOO.

198. THE PETTING ZOO'S

199. YOUR CHILD'S CLOTHING

200. IN A GOATS STOMACH.

201. YOU GO THERE AND THERE'S

202. RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING,

203. BLOODY HOLES IN HIS CHEST.

204. "OH, MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?"

205. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY STOCK A PETTING ZOO,

206. A HUGE SALE ON GOATS.

207. GET 15 GOATS FREE.

208. ALL GOATS MUST GOOOO!

209. AND I'M NOT EVEN A MARKETING GUY.

210. OF A CARNY WORKER.

211. YOU'LL WISH

212. "TILT-A-WHIRL"

213. BY A GUY WHO REEKS OF BOURBON.

214. BUT ALL THAT ASIDE, I LOVE MY KIDS, I DO.

215. IS IF I WAS DIVORCED.

216. THOSE GUYS LOVE THEIR KIDS, THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKING,

217. "OH, I LOVE MY KIDS, I LOVE MY KIDS.

218. WEDNESDAYS FROM 5 TO 8 P.M."

219. OH, YEAH, IT'S EASY TO LOVE 'EM WHEN THEY'RE NOT AROUND.

220. WHEN THEY'RE AROUND, THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKING,

221. "BLAH-BLA BLAH-BLA BLAH-BLA BLAH!"

222. THEY GOT NOTHING TO CHAT ABOUT.

223. "BLA-BLAH-BLAH POKéMON, NINTENDO,

224. "BLA-BLAH-BLAH.

225. "BLA, I'M HUNGRY, BLA-BLAH-BLAH.

226. "THESE CLOTHES DON'T FIT ME, BLA-BLA-BLAH.

227. I CAN'T SEE OUT OF THIS EYE, BLA-BLA-BLAH."

228. THEY LOVE TO CHATTER AND THEY'VE GOT NOTHING TO CHATTER ABOUT.

229. "DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAAD! DAAD!

230. "DA-DA-DAD-DA DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD!

231. "DAD! DAD! DAD!

232. "LOOK AT MY HAND, LOOK AT MY HAND.

233. "DAD, LOOK AT MY HAND, LOOK AT MY HAND.

234. "LOOK AT MY HAND, L-L-LOOK AT MY HAND...

235. "LOOK AT MY HAND, LOOK AT MY HAND.

236. "LOOK AT IT NOW, LOOK AT IT NOW.

237. "DAD, LOOK AT MY HAND, LOOK AT MY HAND!

238. "IT'S GONE, IT'S BACK!

239. LOOK AT MY HAND!"

240. "OKAY, BUDDY, I SEE YOUR HAND!"

241. WHAT TO DO,

242. CALL UP TIBETAN MONKS,

243. "YEAH, I THINK MY KID'S A DALAI LAMA.

244. FOR A FEW YEARS?"

245. SEVEN YEARS LATER, HE'D BE ALL ENLIGHTENED.

246. "HELLO, FATHER... LOOK AT MY HAND."

247. "ARGH!

248. YOU WIN, YOU WIN, CRACK CORN, YOU WIN!"

249. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

250. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AS A FATHER 'CAUSE

251. MY— I REALLY DIDN'T

252. WHEN I WAS TWO YEARS OLD.

253. PEOPLE STILL ASK ME,

254. "DO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT HIM?"

255. I WAS TWO YEARS OLD.

256. "OH, YES, I REMEMBER HE WAS A VERY GENTLE,

257. GENTLE MAN, WITH HUGE HANDS!"

258. NO, I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.

259. BEFORE GOING TO MASS,

260. ON THE COUCH, TAKE A NAP.

261. IN THE LIVING ROOM, TOO.

262. ON THE COUCH, TAKE A NAP

263. BEFORE GOING TO MASS.

264. BEFORE GOING TO MASS,

265. RIGHT THERE ON THE COUCH.

266. AND WE KEPT THE COUCH, DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

267. THE COUCH MY FATHER DIED ON, WE HAD IT MY WHOLE LIFE.

268. OH, SURE, AS KIDS WE WOULD DARE

269. ON THE DEMON COUCH.

270. "YOU DOUBLE-DARED ME...

271. "TAKE A NAP ON THE DEMON-DAD DEATH COUCH.

272. "NO, I'M NOT SCARED,

273. "I'LL JUST LAY DOWN ON THE COUCH

274. "AND CATCH FORTY WINKS.

275. AHH! I SAW DAD!"

276. "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

277. "GET OFF THE COUCH!

278. IT KILLED ME, IT'LL KILL YOU, TOO."

279. MAKE-OUT COUCH IN HIGH SCHOOL.

280. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY, DO YOU SENSE DEATH?

281. "COME ON, SIT DOWN HERE WHERE HIS HEAD WAS,

282. THAT'S THE SPECIAL SEAT."

283. AFTER HE DIED.

284. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE THINKING,

285. "WELL, YOU'VE LOST YOUR HUSBAND AND FATHER,

286. "HERE'S A HALF-CHIHUAHUA HALF-BOSTON TERRIER MIX.

287. "YOU'VE LOST YOUR MAIN REVENUE SOURCE,

288. HERE'S A NERVOUS DOG!"

289. "OH, THANK YOU!

290. "LOOKS LIKE A REAL MONEY-MAKER, THAT ONE WITH THE BULGING EYES,

291. "AND THE ERECTIONS AND THE SHIVERING.

292. "ALWAYS SHIVERING!

293. THAT'S A CASH COW."

294. AND THE DOG LIVED FOREVER!

295. SO I'M MARRIED, I'VE BEEN MARRIED

296. OVER TEN YEARS NOW, AND, UM...

297. AND I GOT SINGLE FRIENDS, YOU KNOW,

298. A LOT OF SINGLE FRIENDS,

299. THEY NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH.

300. THEY'RE LIKE,

301. "OH, BIL, YOU WITH YOUR WIFE AND YOUR KIDS,

302. TO TRADE PLACES WITH YOU."

303. "ALL RIGHT, A DOLLAR?

304. "CAN OF POP?

305. "A HERSHEY'S KISS?

306. "I DON'T CARE, JUST GET OVER THERE,

307. THEY'RE ALL MAD AT ME AGAIN."

308. WHO'S REALLY HIGH-TECH,

309. AT THE BARS.

310. "HEY, CHECK OUT THAT ONE OVER THERE."

311. "WHICH ONE?"

312. "THE ONE HOLDING HER EYE."

313. "YEAH, SHE'S WINKING AT YA... PERMANENTLY."

314. SO I HAVE ONE WIFE, I THINK THAT'S THE WAY TO GO.

315. YOU HEAR ABOUT MULTIPLE WIVES, YOU THINK,

316. "OH, WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT?"

317. I COULDN'T IMAGINE HAVING EIGHT RABBITS,

318. LET ALONE EIGHT WIVES, YOU KNOW,

319. NOT TO EQUATE THE TWO.

320. BUT IF YOU HAD EIGHT WIVES, YOU KNOW,

321. AFTER ANOTHER BLAND MEAL, AND YOU GOT EIGHT WIVES,

322. YOU'RE PUTTING A LOT OF CRACKERS IN THE GROUND BEEF,

323. I'M SAYING?

324. "WHO WANTS BULK OATMEAL, LADIES?"

325. AFTER ANOTHER CRAPPY MEAL, YOU'VE GOT 16 EYES

326. ACROSS THE DINNER TABLE.

327. "WHAT? WHAT?

328. "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

329. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?"

330. "WE'RE BORED."

331. "WELL, GO HAVE A FOUR-ON-FOUR HALF-COURT GAME,

332. "HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?

333. "I'LL HAVE SEX WITH THE WINNERS,

334. BUT LET ME GET A NAP IN, ALL RIGHT?"

335. I READ ABOUT A GUY IN UTAH, HE HAD 15 WIVES.

336. 15 WIVES!

337. AT YOUR 14 WIVES

338. AND THINK TO YOURSELF,

339. "ONE MORE.

340. "THEN I'M DONE SHOPPING.

341. "SURE IT'S GONNA SCREW UP THE BUNK BEDS,

342. 15 WIVES."

343. TO YOUR FIFTEENTH WIFE?

344. "I PROMISE TO LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH YOU,

345. "ABOUT TWO DAYS A MONTH, ALL RIGHT.

346. "FEBRUARY'S GONNA BE TOUGH FOR YOU,

347. 'CAUSE YOU'RE MY 15th WIFE."

348. DO THE 15 WIVES HAVE CLEVER NICKNAMES FOR EACH OTHER,

349. LIKE "ONE", AND "TWO", AND "JIGGS" AND "MR. MIXELPIX" ?

350. I DON'T KNOW.

351. WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE ONE OF 15 WIVES?

352. AND MYSTERY DATES?

353. I WANNA KNOW.

354. I GOT A SURFER, I GOT A DWARF.

355. SO, YOU WOULD NEVER SEE A WOMAN WITH 15 HUSBANDS,

356. WOULD YOU?

357. WITH IN HER FACE.

358. "HEY, FELLAS, PLEASE!

359. "HEY, GENTLEMEN, BACK OFF!

360. PLEASE, MOVE THE ROOTS!"

361. "CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOU? CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOU?

362. CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOU?"

363. "CAN I WATCH?"

364. "OH, YEAH, I'LL JUST WATCH."

365. "YEAH, I'LL JUST WATCH."

366. "AHHH! LET ME GET A SHOWER IN WILL YA, PLEASE?"

367. "CAN I WATCH YOU TAKE A SHOWER? CAN I WATCH YOU TAKE A SHOWER?

368. "CAN I SLIP THE SOAP BETWEEN

369. AND TAKE IT OUT THE BACK?"

370. "GO TO WORK, YOU IDIOTS."

371. "15 GUYS' PLUMBING."

372. SEXUAL FANTASY GAMES,

373. YOU KNOW?

374. LIKE A NURSE,

375. LIKE A NURSE, ALSO.

376. AND THEN WE DON'T EVEN HAVE SEX, EITHER.

377. WE JUST SIT BEHIND THIS HUGE,

378. WHEN PEOPLE BUZZ US FOR JUICE.

379. THAT'S A TERRIBLE GAME.

380. THE HOSE MAKES ME CHAFE.

381. DOESN'T FIT ME.

382. REGARDING SEX, I'D LIKE TO REFER TO MY WIFE AS CIRCUIT CITY,

383. UNTIL JANUARY OF NEXT YEAR.

384. PUT NO MONEY DOWN, EITHER, SO THAT'S A PLUS.

385. I'M GIVING IT TO MY WIFE,

386. 'CAUSE I'M A ROMANTIC, THAT'S WHAT I DO,

387. I GIVE IT TO HER, YOU KNOW?

388. PEOPLE SAY YOU HAVE SEX,

389. I GO, "AHHH! GIVING IT TO HER."

390. YOU KNOW WHEN I'M GIVING IT TO HER, SOMETIMES,

391. YOU KNOW, SOME GUYS MIGHT

392. IF DURING LOVE-MAKING, YOU KNOW,

393. AND I GET A LITTLE CRAZY,

394. "OHHH, AEIII, AEIII, OOH-HIII, AHHH—"

395. "ARE YOU HAVING SPASMS?"

396. "AYE! HEY-YA, OHHH."

397. YOU KNOW, MAYBE

398. IF THEIR WOMAN SAYS, "ARE YOU IN?"

399. "NO...

400. I'M DONE!"

401. ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!

402. THANK YOU!

403. Captioning made possible by