Comedy Central Presents 5x11

1. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

2. FROM NEW YORK CITY...

3. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL

4. OH, MAN!

5. HOLY MOLY!

6. AH-HA!

7. MAN, HOW GREAT IS THIS?

8. NOT JUST FOR YOU, BUT FOR ME, TOO!

9. MAN, IF YOU'RE A COMIC THIS HAS GOT TO BE

10. ONE OF THE GREATEST GIGS,

11. I THINK MAYBE WHAT MIGHT BE BETTER,

12. BEING THE OPENING ACT FOR THE ROLLING STONES

13. ON THEIR NEXT STADIUM TOUR,

14. 70,000 PEOPLE AT THE ROSE BOWL,

15. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME YOUR OPENING ACT,

16. BIL DWYER"

17. THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

18. HEY, WHO REMEMBERS RAZZLES?

19. ARE THEY GUM OR CANDY OR WHAT?

20. COULD WE GET SOME STUDIES DONE ON THIS,

21. SOME OF THOSE GOVERNMENT GUYS IN THEIR LAB COATS?

22. THANK YOU, THAT'S MY TIME.

23. I'M GONNA BRING OUT YOUR HEADLINERS,

24. THEY CALL THEMSELVES THE GREATEST ROCK AND ROLL BAND

25. IN THE WORLD,

26. YOU'VE SEEN THEM ON DON KIRSHNER'S ROCK CONCERTS,

27. THE MIDNIGHT SPECIAL,

28. YOU MAY REMEMBER THEM FROM ALTAMONT,

29. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE ROLLING STONES!

30. AND THEN I WALK OFFSTAGE,

31. "FOLLOW THAT, YOU SKINNY, LIMY BASTARDS, YES!"

32. YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU MUGS ON THE BUS.

33. SO I'M A CATHOLIC, I WAS RAISED A CATHOLIC

34. AND AS A CATHOLIC, I WAS TAUGHT TO FEAR GOD.

35. AND, YOU KNOW, HE CAN SMELL IT ON YOU,

36. LIKE A DOG.

37. AND THAT'S THE ONLY RELIGION I KNOW, CATHOLICISM.

38. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OTHER RELIGIONS, LIKE, UH...

39. LUTHERANS?

40. WHO DO THOSE PEOPLE WORSHIP, LEX LUTHER?

41. THAT'S THE BALD GUY FROM SUPERMAN.

42. THAT'S CERTAINLY A FALSE ICON, I WOULD THINK.

43. SO I GO TO THE BIBLE SOMETIMES FOR INSPIRATION.

44. I KNOW I DON'T LOOK LIKE IT, I MEAN, I KNOW I LOOK LIKE

45. AN ARYAN MAGICIAN, I DON'T KNOW.

46. "VATCH ME PULL AN INFERIOR RACE OUT OF MY HAT,

47. FOR THAT IS WHERE THEY BELONG, IN MY HAT!"

48. I GREW THE GOATEE SO I DON'T LOOK SO MUCH LIKE ANN HECHE.

49. PEOPLE ALWAYS STOPPING ME ON THE STREET,

50. "HEY, YOU STILL A LESBIAN?"

51. HOW DO I ANSWER THAT?

52. "WELL, I SHARE SIMILAR INTERESTS.

53. I DON'T LIKE THE INDIGO GIRLS, WRONG EQUIPMENT."

54. SO I LIVE JUST OUTSIDE OF L.A.

55. IN A NICE LITTLE TOWN THAT HAS A HUGE ARMENIAN POPULATION.

56. WE HAVE THE MOST ARMENIANS THIS SIDE OF ARMENIA, APPARENTLY,

57. AND SO I HAVE A LOT OF ARMENIAN NEIGHBORS

58. AND FRIENDS AND I KNOW THEY'RE MY FRIENDS,

59. BECAUSE THEY CALL ME "BIL, MY FRIEND,"

60. WHICH I LOVE, I LOVE THAT!

61. AND THEN THE OTHER THING I LOVE ABOUT THEM

62. IS THAT THEY HAVE ALMOST ENGLISH-SOUNDING NAMES.

63. IT'S ALWAYS OFF BY JUST ONE LETTER OR SOMETHING.

64. THERE'LL BE A KNOCK AT THE DOOR,

65. "HELLO, BIL, MY FRIEND."

66. "HEY, HOW'S IT GOING, MARF?

67. "ALL RIGHT!

68. "GOOD TO SEE YOU, PAULP.

69. "YEAH, YOU BET.

70. "WHAT'S UP, BRIAB? WHERE'S DOVID?"

71. AND WE HAVE A LOT OF HOMELESS PEOPLE OUT IN L.A.

72. AND THERE WAS A SIGN AT THE GROCERY STORE THAT SAID

73. "PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE THE PANHANDLERS."

74. YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M GOING UP TO 'EM,

75. "HEY, WAY TO GO, PANHANDLER!

76. "YOUR DOING A GREAT JOB, PANHANDLER!

77. "YOU HOLD ON TO THOSE PANHANDLING DREAMS!

78. NEVER LET THAT PANHANDLE GO!"

79. YOU NEVER SEE A PAN OR A HANDLE, DO YA?

80. I'D LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY MAKING EGGS OUT THERE,

81. "HEY, A PANHANDLER!"

82. I WAS IN LAS VEGAS RECENTLY,

83. WENT INTO A STRIP CLUB, TOTALLY NUDE.

84. SURE MY TESTICLES KEPT STICKING TO THE SEAT,

85. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS GREAT.

86. JUST HAD TO KEEP ADJUSTING,

87. "ALL RIGHT!

88. DON'T WANT TO SIT ON THESE BABIES."

89. THEY DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU TIP THEM WITH QUARTERS,

90. DO THEY, THE STRIPPERS?

91. NO, IT DOESN'T MAKE THEM HAPPY,

92. 'CAUSE THEY'RE GENERALLY SUCH A HAPPY BUNCH.

93. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BIGGEST GAMBLE IN LAS VEGAS IS?

94. 99 CENT SHRIMP COCKTAIL.

95. THAT'S BARGAIN SHRIMP IN THE DESERT,

96. WHERE'S THAT COMING FROM?

97. LAKE MEAD?

98. "HEY, THESE ARE SEA MONKEYS, AREN'T THEY?

99. "IT IS!

100. "IT'S A BRINE SHRIMP COCKTAIL.

101. I JUST ATE THE KING, I KNOW."

102. AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN IN VEGAS?

103. YOU KNOW, I KNOW IT'S FUN TO GO BY THE PEOPLE

104. WHO ARE LAYING OUT 500 OR A 1000 BUCKS A CRACK,

105. BUT OCCASIONALLY HEAD ON OVER TO THE NICKEL SLOTS

106. AND CHEER THOSE PEOPLE ON.

107. "CHERRY, CHERRY...

108. "OH, A PLUM!

109. "DUDE, THAT WAS ALMOST A QUARTER!

110. "OH, MAN!

111. "IMAGINE THAT JINGLE-JANGLING IN YOUR CUP, HUH?

112. "YOU BIG STUD.

113. WHO WANTS SHRIMP COCKTAIL, LET ME SEE IF I GOT ENOUGH."

114. AND THERE'S A LOT OF OLD PEOPLE IN VEGAS.

115. AND NOT TO RIP OLD PEOPLE,

116. BUT I'M ABOUT TO.

117. I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN THEY PLAY GAMES,

118. "GUESS HOW OLD I AM?"

119. I DON'T KNOW, 107?

120. I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME.

121. DO YOU WANT ME TO GUESS YOUR HEIGHT?

122. 40 YEARS AGO, IT WAS FOUR INCHES MORE

123. THAN WHAT IT IS NOW.

124. AND I JUST NEVER WANT TO GET SO OLD

125. THAT I'M AFRAID OF ESCALATORS.

126. YOU EVER GET BEHIND ONE OF THEM AT THE MALL, AND THEY'RE,

127. "AHH, AHH, EHH, AHH, OHH, HERE I GO!

128. ONE... TWO..."

129. HEY, JUMP ON, WILL YA?

130. IT'S NOT A DRAGON, LET'S GO!

131. A FRIEND OF MINE GOT CAUGHT ONCE,

132. WELL, YELL FOR HELP, YOU'RE IN A MALL!

133. NEVER SEEN AN ESCALATOR IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

134. "WELL, HERE I AM IN DEATH VALLEY,

135. "HEY, AN ESCALATOR!

136. "I'LL JUST JUMP ON IT WITH MY PANTS THAT ARE SIX INCHES TOO LONG.

137. HOPE NOTHING HAPPENS TO ME."

138. YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO BREAK MY HIP,

139. AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN FEAR OF IT, EITHER.

140. THAT'S WHY THEY WALK SO SLOW.

141. YOU KNOW, EVERY STEP,

142. "PLEASE DON'T SLIP, NO SLIPPING.

143. "I PRAY TO THE GODS OF SLIPPING

144. "TO HAVE MERCY ON ME.

145. I OFFER UP THE SAME PRAYER, BUT MORE INTENSE."

146. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

147. I'M A FATHER.

148. WE HAVE KIDS BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT PETS.

149. AND UH, YOU EVER MEET THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAY,

150. "OH, I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS.

151. MY CATS ARE MY KIDS."

152. OH, YEAH?

153. HOW ARE YOUR CATS DOING IN SCHOOL?

154. YOUR EVER WORRY ABOUT YOUR CATS

155. HANGING OUT WITH THE WRONG GROUP OF CATS?

156. AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WHEN YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR KID TO BED AT NIGHT

157. AND YOU SAY TO 'EM,

158. "GOOD NIGHT, SLEEP TIGHT, DON'T LET THE BED BUGS BITE" ?

159. SUCH A REASSURING THOUGHT FOR A CHILD

160. DRIFTING OFF TO DREAMLAND.

161. "GOOD NIGHT, YOU HAVE INSECTS IN YOUR ROOM."

162. GODABAH!

163. "I HOPE SPIDERS DON'T CRAWL INTO YOUR EARS,

164. "GOOD NIGHT, BUDDY!

165. "ALL RIGHTY NOW, IT'S NIGHTY-NIGHT TIME.

166. "HEY, I HOPE A MONSTER DOESN'T JUMP OUT OF YOUR CLOSET

167. AND DRAG YOU OFF TO HELL, GOOD NIGHT, PAL!"

168. "WHAT WAS THAT?

169. "OH, I THOUGHT I SAW SOMETHING UNDER YOUR BED.

170. "ALL RIGHT, NIGHTY-NIGHTY NOW.

171. "ALL RIGHTY, NIGHTY-NIGHTY, MR. TIGHTY-WHITEY SIGHTY-BITEY.

172. "HEY, WHY YOU CRYING?

173. "COME ON, I'M GONNA TURN OFF THE NIGHT-LIGHT, SISSY,

174. TIME TO GROW UP."

175. WELL, THAT'S HIS NAME.

176. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE RIGHT THERE.

177. AND IF YOU HAVE KIDS,

178. I SAY YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH THEIR MIDDLE NAMES,

179. YOU KNOW, YOU NAME YOUR SON JIMMY,

180. MAKE HIS MIDDLE NAME CRACK CORN.

181. HE WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

182. "HA, HA, HA, OH, MY FUNNY FATHER."

183. "DADDY, WHAT HAPPENS TO DOGS WHEN THEY GO TO HEAVEN?"

184. "UH, I DON'T KNOW, LETS SEE, BUDDY,

185. "THEY GO TO A DOG HEAVEN AND IT'S ALL DOGS,

186. "AND, UH, NO ONE TO FEED 'EM.

187. "YEAH, YEAH, JUST CANS, OPENERS STREWN AROUND,

188. YEAH, SORRY, PAL, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS."

189. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AS A FATHER.

190. LAST YEAR FOR HALLOWEEN FOR MY DAUGHTER'S COSTUME,

191. WE DYED HER FINGERS YELLOW AND SHE WENT AS A CHAIN SMOKER.

192. SO CUTE.

193. SHE WAS WHEEZING, HER CLOTHES STUNK.

194. CAME HOME WITH A BAG FULL OF BREATH MINTS.

195. I'M TELLING YOU, THAT WAS SOMETHING SPECIAL.

196. I TOOK MY KIDS TO THE ZOO RECENTLY,

197. AND, UH, THE ALLIGATOR HASN'T MOVED SINCE LAST JULY.

198. SURE HE'S GOT A FEW MORE PENNIES ON HIS BACK,

199. BUT NO MOVEMENT WHATSOEVER.

200. NOT GETTING A LOT OF RESPECT, THE ALLIGATOR.

201. SO I THOUGHT,

202. "WELL, I REMEMBER ALL THE JOYS AND THE CHARMS

203. "OF THE PETTING ZOO WHEN I WAS A KID,

204. I'LL TAKE MY KIDS TO THE PETTING ZOO."

205. APPARENTLY, I'D MISTAKEN THE JOYS AND CHARMS OF THE PETTING ZOO

206. FOR THE HORRORS OF THE PETTING ZOO.

207. THE PETTING ZOO'S A GREAT PLACE TO GO

208. IF YOU WANT TO DISCARD YOUR CHILD'S CLOTHING

209. IN A GOATS STOMACH.

210. YOU GO THERE AND THERE'S A BUNCH OF NAKED KIDS

211. RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING,

212. SOME POOR KID FLAT ON HIS BACK ON THE GROUND

213. THE CHICKEN PECKING BLOODY HOLES IN HIS CHEST.

214. "OH, MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?"

215. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY STOCK A PETTING ZOO,

216. BUT THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A HUGE SALE ON GOATS.

217. JUST BUY ONE LLAMA GET 15 GOATS FREE.

218. ALL GOATS MUST GOOOO!

219. AND I'M NOT EVEN A MARKETING GUY.

220. AND PETTING ZOO WORKERS WILL MAKE YOU YEARN

221. FOR THE CIVILITY AND DIGNITY OF A CARNY WORKER.

222. YOU'LL WISH YOU WERE BEING STRAPPED

223. INTO AN UNSAFE "TILT-A-WHIRL"

224. BY A GUY WHO REEKS OF BOURBON.

225. BUT ALL THAT ASIDE, I LOVE MY KIDS, I DO.

226. I THINK THE ONLY WAY I COULD LOVE THEM MORE

227. IS IF I WAS DIVORCED.

228. THOSE GUYS LOVE THEIR KIDS, THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKING,

229. "OH, I LOVE MY KIDS, I LOVE MY KIDS.

230. EVERY OTHER WEEKEND AND WEDNESDAYS FROM 5 TO 8 P.M."

231. OH, YEAH, IT'S EASY TO LOVE 'EM WHEN THEY'RE NOT AROUND.

232. WHEN THEY'RE AROUND, THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKING,

233. "BLAH-BLA BLAH-BLA BLAH-BLA BLAH!"

234. THEY LOVE TO CHAT AND THEY GOT NOTHING TO CHAT ABOUT.

235. "BLA-BLAH-BLAH POKéMON, NINTENDO,

236. "BLA-BLAH-BLAH.

237. "BLA, I'M HUNGRY, BLA-BLAH-BLAH.

238. "THESE CLOTHES DON'T FIT ME, BLA-BLA-BLAH.

239. I CAN'T SEE OUT OF THIS EYE, BLA-BLA-BLAH."

240. THEY LOVE TO CHATTER AND THEY'VE GOT NOTHING TO CHATTER ABOUT.

241. "DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAAD! DAAD!

242. "DA-DA-DAD-DA DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD!

243. "DAD! DAD! DAD!

244. "LOOK AT MY HAND, LOOK AT MY HAND.

245. "DAD, LOOK AT MY HAND, LOOK AT MY HAND.

246. "LOOK AT MY HAND, L-L-LOOK AT MY HAND...

247. "LOOK AT MY HAND, LOOK AT MY HAND.

248. "LOOK AT IT NOW, LOOK AT IT NOW.

249. "DAD, LOOK AT MY HAND, LOOK AT MY HAND!

250. "IT'S GONE, IT'S BACK!

251. LOOK AT MY HAND!"

252. "OKAY, BUDDY, I SEE YOUR HAND!"

253. TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO,

254. CALL UP TIBETAN MONKS,

255. "YEAH, I THINK MY KID'S A DALAI LAMA.

256. CAN YOU TAKE HIM AWAY FOR A FEW YEARS?"

257. THEN THEY BRING THE LITTLE GUY BACK

258. SEVEN YEARS LATER, HE'D BE ALL ENLIGHTENED.

259. "HELLO, FATHER... LOOK AT MY HAND."

260. "ARGH!

261. YOU WIN, YOU WIN, CRACK CORN, YOU WIN!"

262. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

263. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AS A FATHER 'CAUSE

264. MY— I REALLY DIDN'T GROW UP WITH MY—

265. MY DAD DIED WHEN I WAS TWO YEARS OLD.

266. PEOPLE STILL ASK ME,

267. "DO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT HIM?"

268. I WAS TWO YEARS OLD.

269. "OH, YES, I REMEMBER HE WAS A VERY GENTLE,

270. GENTLE MAN, WITH HUGE HANDS!"

271. NO, I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.

272. ALL I KNOW IS THAT ONE SUNDAY MORNING

273. BEFORE GOING TO MASS,

274. HE SAID HE FELT A LITTLE TIRED

275. SO HE WAS GONNA LAY DOWN ON THE COUCH, TAKE A NAP.

276. WE HAD A CACTUS IN THE LIVING ROOM, TOO.

277. HE SAID HE WAS GONNA LAY DOWN ON THE COUCH, TAKE A NAP

278. BEFORE GOING TO MASS.

279. SO HE LAYS DOWN ON THE COUCH TO TAKE A NAP

280. BEFORE GOING TO MASS,

281. AND HE DIES RIGHT THERE ON THE COUCH.

282. AND WE KEPT THE COUCH, DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

283. THE COUCH MY FATHER DIED ON, WE HAD IT MY WHOLE LIFE.

284. OH, SURE, AS KIDS WE WOULD DARE ONE ANOTHER TO TAKE A NAP

285. ON THE DEMON COUCH.

286. "YOU DOUBLE-DARED ME...

287. "TAKE A NAP ON THE DEMON-DAD DEATH COUCH.

288. "NO, I'M NOT SCARED,

289. "I'LL JUST LAY DOWN ON THE COUCH THAT DAD DIED ON

290. "AND CATCH FORTY WINKS.

291. AHH! I SAW DAD!"

292. "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

293. "GET OFF THE COUCH!

294. IT KILLED ME, IT'LL KILL YOU, TOO."

295. NOT EXACTLY THE GREATEST MAKE-OUT COUCH IN HIGH SCHOOL.

296. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY, DO YOU SENSE DEATH?

297. "COME ON, SIT DOWN HERE WHERE HIS HEAD WAS,

298. THAT'S THE SPECIAL SEAT."

299. AND THEN SOMEBODY GAVE US A DOG AFTER HE DIED.

300. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE THINKING,

301. "WELL, YOU'VE LOST YOUR HUSBAND AND FATHER,

302. "HERE'S A HALF-CHIHUAHUA HALF-BOSTON TERRIER MIX.

303. "YOU'VE LOST YOUR MAIN REVENUE SOURCE,

304. HERE'S A NERVOUS DOG!"

305. "OH, THANK YOU!

306. "LOOKS LIKE A REAL MONEY-MAKER, THAT ONE WITH THE BULGING EYES,

307. "AND THE ERECTIONS AND THE SHIVERING.

308. "ALWAYS SHIVERING!

309. THAT'S A CASH COW."

310. AND THE DOG LIVED FOREVER!

311. SO I'M MARRIED, I'VE BEEN MARRIED

312. OVER TEN YEARS NOW, AND, UM...

313. AND I GOT SINGLE FRIENDS, YOU KNOW,

314. I HANG OUT WITH A LOT OF SINGLE FRIENDS,

315. AND THEY TALK A GOOD GAME BUT THEY NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH.

316. THEY'RE LIKE,

317. "OH, BIL, YOU WITH YOUR WIFE AND YOUR KIDS,

318. I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO TRADE PLACES WITH YOU."

319. "ALL RIGHT, A DOLLAR?

320. "CAN OF POP?

321. "A HERSHEY'S KISS?

322. "I DON'T CARE, JUST GET OVER THERE,

323. THEY'RE ALL MAD AT ME AGAIN."

324. AND I GOT ONE SINGLE FRIEND WHO'S REALLY HIGH-TECH,

325. HE USES A LASER POINTER TO POINT OUT ATTRACTIVE WOMEN

326. AT THE BARS.

327. "HEY, CHECK OUT THAT ONE OVER THERE."

328. "WHICH ONE?"

329. "THE ONE HOLDING HER EYE."

330. "YEAH, SHE'S WINKING AT YA... PERMANENTLY."

331. SO I HAVE ONE WIFE, I THINK THAT'S THE WAY TO GO.

332. YOU HEAR ABOUT MULTIPLE WIVES, YOU THINK,

333. "OH, WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT?"

334. I COULDN'T IMAGINE HAVING EIGHT RABBITS,

335. LET ALONE EIGHT WIVES, YOU KNOW,

336. NOT TO EQUATE THE TWO.

337. BUT IF YOU HAD EIGHT WIVES, YOU KNOW,

338. AFTER ANOTHER BLAND MEAL, AND YOU GOT EIGHT WIVES,

339. YOU'RE PUTTING A LOT OF CRACKERS IN THE GROUND BEEF,

340. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

341. "WHO WANTS BULK OATMEAL, LADIES?"

342. AFTER ANOTHER CRAPPY MEAL, YOU'VE GOT 16 EYES

343. STARRING AT YOU ACROSS THE DINNER TABLE.

344. "WHAT? WHAT?

345. "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

346. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?"

347. "WE'RE BORED."

348. "WELL, GO HAVE A FOUR-ON-FOUR HALF-COURT GAME,

349. "HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?

350. "I'LL HAVE SEX WITH THE WINNERS,

351. BUT LET ME GET A NAP IN, ALL RIGHT?"

352. I READ ABOUT A GUY IN UTAH, HE HAD 15 WIVES.

353. 15 WIVES!

354. IMAGINE THE NERVE TO LOOK AROUND AT YOUR 14 WIVES

355. AND THINK TO YOURSELF,

356. "ONE MORE.

357. "THEN I'M DONE SHOPPING.

358. "SURE IT'S GONNA SCREW UP THE BUNK BEDS,

359. BUT I GOTTA HAVE 15 WIVES."

360. WHAT ARE YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS LIKE TO YOUR FIFTEENTH WIFE?

361. "I PROMISE TO LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH YOU,

362. "ABOUT TWO DAYS A MONTH, ALL RIGHT.

363. "FEBRUARY'S GONNA BE TOUGH FOR YOU,

364. 'CAUSE YOU'RE MY 15th WIFE."

365. DO THE 15 WIVES HAVE CLEVER NICKNAMES FOR EACH OTHER,

366. LIKE "ONE", AND "TWO", AND "JIGGS" AND "MR. MIXELPIX" ?

367. I DON'T KNOW.

368. WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE ONE OF 15 WIVES?

369. JUST IS IT ALL PILLOW FIGHTS AND MYSTERY DATES?

370. I WANNA KNOW.

371. I GOT A SURFER, I GOT A DWARF.

372. SO, YOU WOULD NEVER SEE A WOMAN WITH 15 HUSBANDS,

373. WOULD YOU?

374. POOR THING WOULD JUST WAKE UP EVERY MORNING

375. WITH IN HER FACE.

376. "HEY, FELLAS, PLEASE!

377. "HEY, GENTLEMEN, BACK OFF!

378. PLEASE, MOVE THE ROOTS!"

379. "CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOU? CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOU?

380. CAN I HAVE SEX WITH YOU?"

381. "CAN I WATCH?"

382. "OH, YEAH, I'LL JUST WATCH."

383. "YEAH, I'LL JUST WATCH."

384. "AHHH! LET ME GET A SHOWER IN WILL YA, PLEASE?"

385. "CAN I WATCH YOU TAKE A SHOWER? CAN I WATCH YOU TAKE A SHOWER?

386. "CAN I SLIP THE SOAP BETWEEN THE FRONT OF YOUR LEGS

387. AND TAKE IT OUT THE BACK?"

388. "GO TO WORK, YOU IDIOTS."

389. "15 GUYS' PLUMBING."

390. SO MY WIFE AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR SUCH A LONG TIME NOW

391. THAT WE PLAY THESE LITTLE SEXUAL FANTASY GAMES,

392. YOU KNOW?

393. LIKE WE HAVE THIS ONE WHERE MY WIFE DRESSES UP

394. LIKE A NURSE,

395. THEN I DRESS UP LIKE A NURSE, ALSO.

396. AND THEN WE DON'T EVEN HAVE SEX, EITHER.

397. WE JUST SIT BEHIND THIS HUGE, SEMI-CIRCULAR WOODEN DESK

398. AND GET ANNOYED WHEN PEOPLE BUZZ US FOR JUICE.

399. THAT'S A TERRIBLE GAME.

400. THE HOSE MAKES ME CHAFE.

401. THE LITTLE WHITE HAT DOESN'T FIT ME.

402. REGARDING SEX, I'D LIKE TO REFER TO MY WIFE AS CIRCUIT CITY,

403. BECAUSE SHE HAS NO INTEREST UNTIL JANUARY OF NEXT YEAR.

404. PUT NO MONEY DOWN, EITHER, SO THAT'S A PLUS.

405. SO SOMETIMES WHEN I'M GIVING IT TO MY WIFE,

406. 'CAUSE I'M A ROMANTIC, THAT'S WHAT I DO,

407. I GIVE IT TO HER, YOU KNOW?

408. PEOPLE SAY YOU HAVE SEX,

409. I GO, "AHHH! GIVING IT TO HER."

410. YOU KNOW WHEN I'M GIVING IT TO HER, SOMETIMES,

411. YOU KNOW, SOME GUYS MIGHT GET A LITTLE MIFFED

412. IF DURING LOVE-MAKING, YOU KNOW,

413. AND I GET A LITTLE CRAZY,

414. "OHHH, AEIII, AEIII, OOH-HIII, AHHH—"

415. "ARE YOU HAVING SPASMS?"

416. "AYE! HEY-YA, OHHH."

417. YOU KNOW, MAYBE SOME GUYS HAVE A PROBLEM

418. IF THEIR WOMAN SAYS, "ARE YOU IN?"

419. "NO...

420. I'M DONE!"

421. ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!

422. THANK YOU!

423. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL