Comedy Central Presents 5x10

1. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

2. ANNOUNCER>> FROM NEW YORK CITY,

3. LOUIS C.K.

4. LOUIS C.K.>> THANK YOU.

5. THANK YOU.

6. ALL RIGHT.

7. HELLO, EVERYBODY.

8. HOW ARE YOU?

9. YOU'RE WELL?

10. GOOD.

11. NICE TO BE HERE IN NEW YORK.

12. I ACTUALLY TOOK THE SUBWAY HERE.

13. I HAD TO GO TO THE BRONX FIRST

14. THOUGH BECAUSE THE TRAIN DECIDED

15. I HAD SOME STUFF TO DO THERE

16. I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.

17. BUT, AH...

18. I'VE BEEN LIVING IN THE CITY

19. FIFTEEN YEARS I HAVE NO IDEA

20. WHERE THE TRAIN IS GOING.

21. I NEVER KNOW.

22. YOU CAN'T GO BY THE DOT ON THE

23. SIDE BECAUSE THAT'S MEANINGLESS.

24. THEY CHANGE IT.

25. YOU GET ON.

26. THE GUY'S LIKE "THIS IS

27. THE B TRAIN BUT WE'RE NOT MAKING

28. LOCAL STOPS AND WE DON'T WHERE

29. WE'RE GOING SO JUST GET THE HELL

30. OFF THE TRAIN!

31. EVERYBODY OFF THE TRAIN!

32. THIS IS NO LONGER A TRAIN!"

33. EVERYBODY GETS OFF AND THEN

34. WATCHES IT LEAVE.

35. "WHAT HAPPENED?

36. I HAD A SEAT.

37. THIS IS BULL, MAN."

38. IT'S THE WORST.

39. NO THE WORST THING IS WHEN THE

40. TRAIN GOES EXPRESS ON A WHIM,

41. LIKE MID-RIDE.

42. THEY DECIDE, LET'S NOT STOP.

43. WHY ARE WE STOPPING?

44. LET'S JUST GO.

45. AND LET'S NOT TELL THEM EITHER.

46. OR LET'S TELL THEM AS THE DOORS

47. ARE CLOSING.

48. THAT'S WHEN THEY TELL YOU.

49. IT'S SADISTIC.

50. "NEXT STOP 205th STREET".

51. DAMN IT!

52. THE WORST THING IS YOU CAN'T

53. REALLY REACT, YOU KNOW.

54. I'M ON A ROCKET TO THE BRONX.

55. I CAN'T GO, "OH MY GOD!

56. SOMEBODY HELP ME!

57. I DON'T BELONG ON THIS TRAIN!

58. THAT'S NOT MY AREA UP THERE."

59. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

60. YOU GOTTA GO, "HEY THE BRONX.

61. THIS IS GREAT."

62. WHEN YOU GET THERE YOU GOTTA GET

63. OUT LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I'M HOME.

64. YEAH.

65. GOOD TO BE BACK ON 6 TRILLIONTH

66. STREET."

67. PEOPLE ARE TOO AFRAID OF UPTOWN

68. THOUGH, REALLY.

69. A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL YOU,

70. "DON'T GO TO HARLEM YOU CAN

71. NEVER GO THERE BECAUSE AS SOON

72. AS YOU GET THERE THEY KILL YOU."

73. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE THINK.

74. AS SOON AS YOU ARRIVE IN HARLEM

75. SOMEONE JUST STABS YOU IN THE

76. FACE RIGHT AWAY.

77. "HEY, WELCOME TO HARLEM.

78. HAVE A GOOD TIME.

79. NEXT.

80. GO BUY SOME WIGS, WHATEVER

81. YOU'RE GONNA DO."

82. THAT'S PEOPLE'S IMAGE OF HARLEM;

83. JUST EVERYONE JUST STANDING

84. AROUND 24 HOURS WAITING FOR LOST

85. WHITE PEOPLE TO KILL ALL DAY.

86. "DID YOU SEE ANY?

87. I DIDN'T EITHER.

88. I DON'T KNOW WHERE..."

89. PEOPLE ARE SO AFRAID.

90. I READ SOMETHING IN THE PAPER

91. THAT REALLY CONFUSED ME THE

92. OTHER DAY; IT SAID THAT 80%

93. OF THE PEOPLE IN NEW YORK

94. ARE MINORITIES.

95. SHOULDN'T YOU NOT CALL THEM

96. MINORITIES WHEN THEY GET TO BE

97. 80% OF THE POPULATION.

98. THAT'S A VERY WHITE ATTITUDE,

99. REALLY.

100. YOU KNOW?

101. YOU COULD TAKE A WHITE GUY TO

102. AFRICA AND HE'D BE LIKE,

103. "LOOK AT ALL THE MINORITIES

104. THEY GOT OVER HERE.

105. JESUS.

106. WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT

107. THAT."

108. IT'S WEIRD.

109. THERE'S STILL A LOT OF RACISM

110. BUT PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE A REASON

111. FOR BEING RACIST.

112. I MET A GUY, A REALLY RACIST GUY

113. AND I ASKED HIS FRIEND

114. AFTERWARDS, "WHY IS HE LIKE

115. THAT?"

116. AND HIS FRIEND GOES, "WELL,

117. HE WAS BORN ON A FARM."

118. WHAT KIND OF FARM WAS THAT?

119. I MEAN, GET RACISM FROM A FARM.

120. WHAT?

121. ARE THE ANIMALS RACIST?

122. "JEWS, JEWS"

123. "BLACKS, BLACKS"

124. "JEWS"

125. "BLACKS"

126. BAUK, BAUK, BAUK,

127. BAUK, "MEXICANS".

128. ONE THING THAT'S CONFUSING TO ME

129. IS ALL RACISM IS NASTY.

130. LIKE IT'S IGNORANCE,

131. BUT IT'S ALSO ALWAYS PAIRED UP

132. WITH NASTINESS.

133. WHY CAN'T WE HAVE RACISM

134. THAT IGNORANT BUT NICE,

135. YOU KNOW?

136. YOU HAVE LIKE STEREOTYPES

137. THAT ARE POSITIVE ABOUT RACE.

138. YOU COULD SAY LIKE,

139. "THOSE CHINESE PEOPLE...

140. THEY CAN FLY."

141. "YOU KNOW ABOUT THE PUERTO

142. RICANS...

143. THEY'RE MADE OF CANDY."

144. THAT KIND OF THING, YOU KNOW?

145. SORRY.

146. YOU EVER WEAR A BATHING SUIT

147. BECAUSE YOU RAN OUT OF CLEAN

148. UNDERWEAR?

149. BUNCHING UP HAPPENING HERE.

150. C'MON.

151. I'M A MESS.

152. I DID THAT ON A DATE ONCE.

153. I WAS WEARING A BATHING SUIT

154. UNDER MY PANTS BECAUSE I DIDN'T

155. DO LAUNDRY.

156. SHE WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN EXCEPT

157. I HAD THAT WHITE STRING FLAPPING

158. OUTSIDE OF MY FLY.

159. SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU HAVE A

160. TAMPON IN THERE?"

161. WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU.

162. I'M EMBARRASSED FOR 80%

163. OF MY LIFE.

164. AND I HATE IT.

165. YOU EVER GET EMBARRASSED

166. FOR LIKE A LITTLE THING BUT YOU

167. KINDA WANNA KILL YOURSELF?

168. LIKE ONE TIME, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU

169. GET IN AN ELEVATOR YOU GO TO

170. PRESS YOUR FLOOR BUTTON AND IT'S

171. ALREADY BEEN PRESSED?

172. IT'S LIT UP.

173. YOU KNOW THAT THEY ALL SAW YOUR

174. FINGER GO THERE AND THEN STOP.

175. THAT'S ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS

176. WHERE YOU MAKE THAT NOISE WHERE

177. YOU DON'T ACTUALLY MAKE WORDS.

178. I HATE THAT.

179. JUST THOSE LITTLE THINGS.

180. THE OTHER DAY THIS GUY ASKED ME

181. THE TIME.

182. I HATE THAT.

183. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME THE

184. TIME ON THE STREET.

185. SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME,

186. I JUST PANIC.

187. I CAN'T READ MY WATCH.

188. WHEN I'M ALONE, I'M GREAT AT

189. READING MY WATCH,

190. BUT WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS ME

191. I JUST HAVE THIS ANXIETY ATTACK

192. AND I JUST CAN'T MAKE IT OUT.

193. "YOU HAVE THE TIME?"

194. "YEAH, I GGG... I...

195. IT'S LIKE THIS."

196. I ALWAYS END UP SAYING SOMETHING

197. USELESS LIKE, "IT'S TWENTY OF

198. 9:40".

199. YOU KNOW WHAT I DO NOW WHEN

200. PEOPLE ASK ME?

201. THEY'RE LIKE, "DO YOU HAVE THE

202. TIME?"

203. I JUST GO, "YEAH."

204. 'CAUSE THEN THEY MOVE ON.

205. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

206. LOUIS C.K.>> IT'S ALWAYS BETTER

207. TO HAVE PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE

208. CRAZY RATHER THAN STUPID,

209. YOU KNOW?

210. BECAUSE STUPID SUCKS.

211. STUPID IS LIKE THE WORST THING

212. SOMEBODY...

213. NOBODY'S NICE TO STUPID PEOPLE.

214. NOBODY FEELS BAD FOR THEM.

215. IF YOU'RE STUPID PEOPLE JUST GO,

216. "WHAT ARE YOU STUPID?

217. YOU STUPID."

218. FINE.

219. IF YOU'RE RETARDED THEY'RE LIKE,

220. "HEY PUT HIM IN CAMP.

221. GIVE HIM A T-SHIRT.

222. HOORAY FOR THE RETARDED GUY."

223. BUT IF YOU'RE STUPID,

224. "SHUT UP STUPID, YOU DUMB ASS,

225. GET IN THE BACK YOU IDIOT."

226. WHY?

227. AND IF YOU'RE CRAZY YOU GET ALL

228. KINDS OF RESPECT.

229. "HEY, HOW YOU DOING THERE,

230. BUDDY?

231. NOBODY MESSES WITH THE CRAZY

232. GUY.

233. THAT'S WHY IF YOU DO SOMETHING

234. STUPID IN PUBLIC YOU FEEL PEOPLE

235. FORMING AN OPINION ABOUT YOU,

236. GO FOR "CRAZY's THAT'S YOUR BEST

237. OPTION.

238. IT IS.

239. PLENTY OF CRAZY PEOPLE IN

240. NEW YORK.

241. THERE ARE SO MANY CRAZY PEOPLE

242. HERE.

243. I THINK IT'S LIKE ONE OUT OF

244. EVERY ONE PERSON IS COMPLETELY

245. OUT OF THEIR MIND.

246. IT'S TRUE.

247. EVERYBODY'S CRAZY.

248. IT'S NOT JUST THE GUY WITH THE

249. BAG ON HIS HEAD.

250. THAT'S... IT'S...

251. EVERY—

252. ANYBODY CAN BE CRAZY.

253. YOU EVER START A CONVERSATION

254. WITH A STRANGER ON LIKE THE

255. SUBWAY AND HALF WAY THROUGH

256. YOU REALIZE THAT THEY'RE

257. COMPLETELY OUT OF THEIR MIND,

258. LIKE HALF WAY THROUGH,

259. YOU'RE TALKING AND THEN ALL OF A

260. SUDDEN YOU GO,

261. "OH, YOU'RE CRAZY.

262. OH.

263. I THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO

264. SOMEBODY."

265. BUT IT'S A NICE CULTURE BECAUSE

266. YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.

267. I LIKE TO TALK TO STRANGERS.

268. I LIKE TO GO UP TO PEOPLE

269. I DON'T KNOW AND JUST START

270. CONVERSATIONS WITH THEM.

271. JUST START A CONVERSATION.

272. TRY IT.

273. BUT THE WAY I DO IT,

274. DON'T START THE CONVERSATION

275. IN THE BEGINNING, JUST START IT

276. IN THE MIDDLE.

277. TRY IT.

278. JUST GO UP TO SOMEBODY YOU DON'T

279. KNOW AND JUST GO, "WELL HOW DO

280. YOU THINK I FELT?"

281. I'D LIKE TO CHANGE THE WAY

282. PEOPLE TALK TO EACH OTHER.

283. I'M SO SICK OF THE

284. YOU HAVE TO SAY TO PEOPLE,

285. LIKE IN THE CAB, YOU KNOW,

286. "HEY, IT'S COLD."

287. IT'S BORING.

288. I'D LIKE TO SAY STUFF TO THE GUY

289. HE'S NOT USED TO HEARING.

290. "HEY, DID YOU KNOW YOUR EYES ARE

291. THE HIGHEST HOLES ON YOUR HEAD?"

292. CREATIVE CONVERSATIONS.

293. "DO YOU THINK A BABY COULD EAT

294. ANOTHER BABY?"

295. THAT'S AWFUL.

296. I DON'T KNOW IF HE COULD.

297. IT'D BE THE PERFECT CRIME REALLY

298. BECAUSE WHO'S GONNA SUSPECT THAT

299. HE ATE—

300. NOBODY'S GONNA GO,

301. "OH, CLEARLY HE ATE HIM."

302. I WAS TALKING TO MY FRIEND THE

303. OTHER DAY— I HAVE THIS

304. FRIEND— YOU KNOW THE KIND OF

305. PEOPLE THAT IF THEY'RE HAPPY

306. FOR YOU THEY SOUND LIKE THEY'RE

307. IN PAIN?

308. YOU KNOW?

309. I HAVE THIS FRIEND I'M TALKING

310. TO ON THE PHONE, HE'S LIKE,

311. "HEY HOW YA DOING?"

312. I'M LIKE, "I'M GOOD.

313. I GOT MARRIED."

314. HE'S LIKE, "OH, THAT'S GREAT.

315. AHH, GOD BLESS YOU...

316. OOOOWWW!"

317. I NEVER ANSWER MY PHONE ANYMORE.

318. IT'S ALWAYS SOME IDIOT—

319. WE SPEND ALL OUR TIME NOW ON

320. CUSTOMER SERVICE PHONE CALLS.

321. THAT'S LIKE 20% OF EVERY DAY

322. NOW, IS, "NO I DIDN'T CANCEL

323. IT-WHAT-WHY?"

324. THAT'S LIKE OUR WHOLE LIVES NOW.

325. I USED TO READ WHEN I WAS

326. ON THE TOILET.

327. NOW THAT'S WHEN I MAKE CUSTOMER

328. SERVICE CALLS.

329. THAT'S THE WAY I SPEND,

330. "HI, I'D LIKE TO ORDER A SHIRT

331. IN THE REEDD!"

332. AND THAT'S HOW I DO.

333. COMBINE TWO THINGS I HATE.

334. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

335. LOUIS C.K.?>> I HATE IT.

336. JUST DEALING WITH BIG COMPANIES.

337. LIKE MY BANK IS THE WORST.

338. THEY'RE SCREWING ME, MY BANK.

339. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO ME?

340. THEY ARE CHARGING ME MONEY

341. FOR NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY.

342. APPARENTLY, WHEN YOU'RE BROKE

343. THAT COSTS MONEY.

344. THE BANK CALLED.

345. THEY CALLED ME UP, THEY'RE LIKE,

346. "HI, WE'RE CALLING BECAUSE YOU

347. DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY."

348. I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I KNOW THAT.

349. I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH

350. MONEY."

351. AND SHE'S LIKE, "NO, YOU DON'T

352. UNDERSTAND, SEE, YOU HAVE

353. INSUFFICIENT FUNDS."

354. I WAS LIKE, "WELL THAT'S A GOOD

355. WAY TO PUT IT, TOO.

356. I AGREE WITH THAT.

357. I FIND MY FUNDS TO BE GROSSLY

358. INSUFFICIENT.

359. FRANKLY, I WAS GETTING READY

360. TO CALL YOU GUYS, BUT THANKS FOR

361. CALLING...

362. TO TELL ME THAT I'M BROKE."

363. SHE'S LIKE, "WELL WE REALLY NEED

364. YOU TO GET MORE IN THERE.

365. IT'S REALLY A PROBLEM FOR US."

366. LIKE, "LOOK I'M NOT BEING BROKE

367. JUST TO WITH YOU,

368. ALL RIGHT?

369. I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY."

370. SHE'S—

371. SO THIS IS WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO

372. SHE SAYS, "YOU ONLY HAVE $20.

373. THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.

374. YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE $20.

375. SO WE'RE GONNA CHARGE YOU $15."

376. SO THEY CHARGED ME $15.

377. THEN I HAD $5.

378. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER HAD

379. ONLY $5 IN THE BANK,

380. BUT GUESS WHAT, YOU CAN'T GET IT

381. OUT.

382. YOU CAN'T.

383. YOU CAN VISIT YOUR $5.

384. YOU CAN CALL IT ON THE PHONE.

385. BUT YOU CAN'T GET IT OUT!

386. THERE'S NO $5'S IN THE MACHINES.

387. AND YOU CAN'T GO IN THE BANK

388. ANYMORE 'CAUSE THEY'RE OPEN FOR

389. LIKE TEN SECONDS.

390. THEY'RE LIKE, "AAAHHH!"

391. AND THEN THEY CLOSE.

392. THAT'S IT!

393. SO THERE I HAD $5 THAT

394. I COULDN'T HAVE FOR THREE DAYS

395. TILL THEY CHARGED ME ANOTHER $15

396. LEAVING ME WITH WHAT?

397. THAT'S RIGHT— NEGATIVE $10.

398. THIS HAPPENED TO YOU BEFORE,

399. HASN'T IT?

400. NEGATIVE $10, WHAT DOES THAT

401. MEAN?

402. THAT MEANS I DON'T EVEN HAVE

403. NO MONEY ANYMORE.

404. I WISH I HAD NOTHING,

405. BUT I DON'T HAVE IT.

406. I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH.

407. I HAVE NOT TEN.

408. THAT'S HOW MUCH I HAVE.

409. NEGATIVE 10.

410. WHAT THE HELL IS NEGATIVE 10?

411. I GOTTA GET SOMEONE WITH NO

412. MONEY TO LEND ME SOME.

413. I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY SOMETHING

414. THAT DOESN'T COST ANYTHING.

415. THAT'S WHERE I'M AT.

416. I CAN ONLY AFFORD TO GET

417. SOMETHING THAT COSTS THAT YOU

418. GIVE ME $10.

419. THAT'S MY PRICE RANGE.

420. NEGATIVE 10.

421. WHAT KIND OF A SYSTEM IS THAT?

422. THEY HAVE PEOPLE AT THE BANK,

423. THEY GO, "OKAY, SOME OF THESE

424. PEOPLE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY

425. SO WE'D BETTER TAKE THEIR MONEY

426. AWAY FROM THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVE

427. SO LITTLE."

428. THAT'S IT.

429. THERE'S NO BETTER EXPLANATION

430. THAN THAT.

431. THEN THEY GO, "THESE PEOPLE HAVE

432. SO MUCH MONEY."

433. IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF MONEY THEY

434. GIVE YOU MONEY JUST FOR HAVING

435. IT.

436. THEY GO, "YOU HAVE SO MUCH

437. MONEY, THAT WE SHOULD GIVE YOU

438. MORE, BECAUSE YOU HAVE SO MUCH.

439. "HERE TAKE THIS GUY'S $15.

440. THE HELL WITH HIM.

441. WHAT THE HELL'S HE DOING WITH

442. IT?

443. JUST WASTING OUR TIME.

444. I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

445. WHAT WOULD I DO WITH THE MONEY

446. ANYWAY?

447. BILL GATES HAS $90 BILLION.

448. DID YOU KNOW THAT?

449. BILL GATES HAS $90 BILLION.

450. LAST YEAR HE GAVE AWAY $500

451. MILLION, WHAT A CHEAP.

452. I DON'T KNOW.

453. IF I HAD $90 BILLION I WOULDN'T

454. HAVE IT FOR LONG, 'CAUSE I WOULD

455. JUST DREAM OF ALL THE CRAZY

456. STUFF I COULD DO WITH IT.

457. THIS GUY.

458. 90 BILLION.

459. HE COULD TAKE 2 BILLION—

460. HE COULD BUY EVERY BASEBALL TEAM

461. AND MAKE THEM ALL WEAR DRESSES

462. AND STILL HAVE $88 BILLION.

463. WHAT'S HE WAITING FOR?

464. THAT'S THE KIND OF THING I WOULD

465. DO.

466. LIKE, BUY ALL THE PANTS IN THE

467. WORLD AND JUST BURN THEM.

468. NO MORE PANTS THE HELL WITH

469. EVERYBODY.

470. LOUIS C.K.>> ALL RIGHT.

471. I DON'T KNOW.

472. I USED TO HAVE BAD JOBS, THOUGH.

473. I WORKED AT A HORRIBLE FAST FOOD

474. RESTAURANT ONCE AND MY FIRST DAY

475. THERE I KNEW I WAS GETTING

476. FIRED.

477. RIGHT AWAY.

478. BUT THAT'S A RELIEF ISN'T IT?

479. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU REALIZE,

480. I'M NOT KEEPING THIS JOB.

481. YOU KNOW, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

482. THE GUY CAME UP TO ME,

483. MY MANAGER, THE FIRST DAY AND HE

484. SAID, "I WANT YOU TO GO TO ALL

485. THE TABLES AND SCRAPE THE GUM

486. OFF WITH A BUTTER KNIFE."

487. AND I WAS LIKE, I WAS THINKING,

488. "I'M NOT DOING THAT.

489. I'M DEFINITELY NOT DOING IT."

490. BUT I THOUGHT WHY JUST SAY,

491. "NO, THE HELL WITH YOU."

492. AND GET FIRED.

493. THAT'S BORING.

494. INSTEAD I SAID, "YAH, YAH, OKAY,

495. YEAH, I'LL DO IT."

496. BUT THEN I DIDN'T DO IT.

497. AND HE CAME UP TO ME LATER,

498. "DID YOU SCRAPE THE GUM OFF THE

499. TABLES?"

500. AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, YEAH,

501. OF COURSE I DID.

502. SURE.

503. YEAH."

504. AND LATER HE COMES UP AND HE

505. GOES, "YOU DIDN'T SCRAPE THE GUM

506. OFF THE TABLES."

507. AND I'M LIKE, "ARGH, OH, DAMN."

508. "ARE YOU GONNA DO IT?"

509. "YEAH, OF COURSE I'M GONNA DO

510. IT.

511. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING...

512. OF COURSE I'M GONNA DO IT."

513. THREE DAYS LATER I GOT FIRED

514. I GOT PAID FOR THREE DAYS,

515. YOU KNOW, WHAT THE HELL.

516. IN GENERAL, I'M PRETTY

517. NON-CONFRONTATIONAL.

518. I DON'T GET MAD.

519. LIKE I GOT MARRIED RIGHT?

520. I LOVE BEING MARRIED,

521. IT'S GREAT.

522. BUT I HATE ARGUING.

523. I HATE FIGHTING.

524. YOU KNOW WHAT I DO NOW?

525. WHEN WE GET IN AN ARGUMENT

526. I JUST TAKE HER SIDE AGAINST ME.

527. IT'S JUST EASIER.

528. IT GOES QUICKER.

529. SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH

530. YOU?"

531. AND I'M LIKE, "I KNOW, DAMMIT!

532. ARRGGG!"

533. I MEAN, SHE WINS MOST OF THEM

534. ANYWAY.

535. I MIGHT AS WELL BE ON THE

536. WINNING SIDE OCCASIONALLY.

537. YOU REALIZE AFTER YOU'RE MARRIED

538. FOR A WHILE, "WHAT AM I FIGHTING

539. FOR?"

540. YOU DON'T WIN MONEY.

541. WHY AM I PUTTING UP...

542. "I KNOW ABOUT PEANUT BUTTER,

543. YOU BITCH."

544. WHAT IS THE POINT?

545. YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.

546. I NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT PEOPLE

547. ARGUE.

548. BECAUSE ARGUMENTS—

549. NOBODY EVER WINS AN ARGUMENT.

550. NOBODY EVER GOES, "OH, HERE I'M

551. WRONG."

552. THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

553. SOMEONE JUST EVENTUALLY GOES,

554. "SHUT UP, WE GOTTA EAT SO LET'S

555. SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE."

556. ESPECIALLY LIKE WITH STRANGERS

557. THAT'S AMAZING TO ME WHEN PEOPLE

558. GET ANGRY AND ACTUALLY YELL AT

559. OTHER PEOPLE LIKE YOU'RE GOING

560. TO CONVINCE THEM THAT YOU'RE

561. RIGHT, BY YELLING AT THEM.

562. LIKE IN TRAFFIC.

563. I WAS DRIVING IN NEW YORK ONCE,

564. WHICH IS THE WORST THING ON THE

565. PLANET EARTH.

566. I'M DRIVING IN MANHATTAN.

567. THERE'S TRAFFIC,

568. NOBODY'S MOVING.

569. I'M SITTING IN MY CAR THERE'S

570. FIFTY CARS IN FRONT OF ME,

571. NOBODY'S MOVING, THE LIGHT TURNS

572. GREEN, AND NOBODY MOVES.

573. THE GUY BEHIND ME

574. HIS HORNS GETTING TIRED.

575. LIKE— BEEEEEEEEP!

576. HONKING AT ME.

577. AND I LOOK AT HIM AND HE'S

578. HONKING JUST AT ME.

579. HE'S LIKE, "GO!

580. JUST GO!"

581. LIKE I'M DRIVING ALL FIFTY CARS

582. IN FRONT OF ME.

583. I'M PUSHING 'EM LIKE SHOPPING

584. CARTS IN A PARKING LOT.

585. HE'S LIKE, "GO!"

586. AND I'M TRYING TO COMMUNICATE

587. THROUGH THE BACK WINDOW LIKE,

588. "WHAT?

589. I CAN'T.

590. LOOK AT THE CARS.

591. LOOK AT ALL THE CARS."

592. AND IT JUST MADE HIM MADDER.

593. HE'S ALL PURPLE.

594. AND THEN HE'S ONE OF THESE GUYS.

595. HE GOT OUT OF HIS CAR TO YELL AT

596. ME.

597. I'M TRAPPED BETWEEN TWO CARS

598. I GOT THE DOORS LOCKED,

599. THE WINDOWS UP AND HE'S LIKE,

600. "GO!

601. WHY DON'T YOU GO?"

602. LIKE FOGGING UP MY WINDOW.

603. AND WHAT AM I GONNA ARGUE THAT'S

604. GONNA HAVE ANY IMPACT FOR THIS

605. GUY?

606. LIKE ALL I GOTTA DO IS GO,

607. "WELL, I CAN'T GO BECAUSE

608. THE CARS IN FRONT OF ME ARE

609. SOLID AND, AH...

610. IF I GO I'LL JUST COLLIDE WITH

611. THEM.

612. I'LL COLLIDE.

613. PROBABLY WITH THE GUY RIGHT

614. HERE.

615. OR EVENTUALLY WITH SOMEBODY."

616. THAT'S ALL I GOTTA SAY AND

617. HE'S GONNA GO, "OH MY GOD,

618. YOU'RE RIGHT.

619. I'LL GET BACK IN MY CAR."

620. THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

621. BUT HE KEPT YELLING AT ME.

622. SO I DECIDED, ALL RIGHT.

623. I'M GONNA ARGUE WITH THIS GUY,

624. BUT I'M GONNA ARGUE ABOUT

625. SOMETHING ELSE.

626. I'M NOT HAVING HIS ARGUMENT.

627. I'M HAVING MINE.

628. SO HE'S LIKE, "GO!"

629. AND I GO, "WELL, GIMME BACK

630. MY JACKET."

631. AND HE STOPPED.

632. I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YOU GOT

633. MY JACKET!

634. GIVE IT BACK!

635. I SAID YOU COULD BORROW IT

636. NOT HAVE IT!

637. YOU'RE STRETCHING IT OUT

638. YOU FAT PIG! GIVE IT BACK NOW!"

639. HE GOT BACK IN HIS CAR

640. AND HE LOCKED HIS DOORS.

641. THANKS VERY MUCH.

642. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

643. COMEDY CENTRAL.

644. CAPTIONED BY

645. REALTIME CAPTIONING

646. VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA.