Columbo 5x5

1. Anybody could have sneaked up the stairs, knocked on the door

2. When Jerome opened the door, they shot him and went right back downstairs again

3. At the time of the crime, you said you were performing the water tank trick

4. You're not really in that cube, right?

5. Where was I last night when Jesse Jerome got it?

6. Was I here

7. or was I there?

8. You see, what we have to remember

9. is that Mr Santini is a master of illusion

10. You could create the illusion of being somewhere while you were not

11. If you know what you're doing

12. Good afternoon, sir How are you, George?

13. Hey, that was quite a night we had last night

14. Yeah, wasn't it?

15. It's good having you back

16. Oh, it's great to be back

17. Oh, Mr Jerome was looking for you a while back, sir

18. Huh?

19. Seemed important

20. Uhhuh Everything is important to him

21. Could you do me a favor, sir?

22. Sure, name it

23. Could you make him disappear?

24. Don't tell him I said it

25. Oh, trust me, you're safe

26. I'll tell you what One night, George, just you and I together,

27. we'll go out and have a couple of jars

28. You're on, sir

29. Santini's packing them in, Jesse, but I need more help

30. The kitchen is your responsibility, Harry Do as you wish

31. Of course it's my responsibility, but good help is hard to find

32. Harry, Harry Don't bother me with trivialities

33. Solve your problems and leave me be

34. Santini

35. It's good to have you back

36. Harry Good to be back

37. Harry, be a good fellow, shut the door on your way out

38. George said you wanted to see me

39. Have a shrimp Magnificent

40. From a special bed off the Yucatán coast I have them flown in

41. Thank you, no

42. Tell me, Santini,

43. last month, before you left for New York,

44. you didn't by chance break into this office

45. and search through my effects?

46. What a silly question Of course I did

47. And I stole your René, your Picasso, and got a lovely price for your Rubens

48. You know I didn't

49. I thought not

50. It was dreadful of me even to suggest it

51. Thank you

52. Speaking of New York,

53. I take it that this, too,

54. is some sort of joke

55. $5,000 is hardly a joke

56. Come, come, dear friend

57. I've assimilated the rudiments of arithmetic

58. Your eastern tour netted $100,000, 500% of which is

59. 50% of which is $5,000

60. 50%? Mmmhmm

61. No, no, dear man

62. We've been over this before

63. Jerome,

64. I'm bored with you bleeding me

65. I'm afraid we're going to have to make a change in our little arrangement

66. There are no changes

67. Sergeant Mueller

68. You see how the very mention of that name renders you completely helpless

69. You keep forgetting

70. that I know who you are

71. and where you came from

72. I was 21 I was merely a boy

73. No one in the SS was merely a boy, Mueller

74. No one in the camps was just a boy

75. Unless he was being taken into the oven

76. Don't misunderstand me

77. If you push me,

78. I will tell the newspapers, the lmmigration Service the Israelis

79. Yes, the Israelis Oh, how they'd love to get their hands on you

80. I think not

81. I'm far too valuable to you

82. You call that value? Mmmhmm

83. I'd do much better turning you in right now while I still have the chance,

84. before you break in here again, trying to find the old man's letter

85. And don't deny that it was you

86. Jerome, you really are an animal

87. You're lucky

88. I'm a businessman

89. When that old man recognized you last year,

90. didn't I give you the money to keep him quiet?

91. That was good business

92. And when he died and I realized that I was the only one who knew,

93. well, that was very good business, too

94. That's why we're such a good team, you and I

95. You know, you do rather well considering the circumstances

96. Certainly better than spending the rest of your life in an Israeli prison

97. I urge you to look at it realistically

98. Have the other $45,000 for me tonight before the performance

99. or, believe me,

100. it'll be your last performance anywhere

101. Heil Hitler!

102. Have the money for me before the show

103. Danny, cut it out

104. Go rehearse or something

105. I've done that already

106. Young man

107. Very good

108. But if you're going to seduce my daughter,

109. at least have the decency and the courtesy

110. to close the door of my dressing room

111. Sir, I'm sorry

112. On second thought, it's probably to my advantage

113. to watch your ritualistic mating

114. At least that way I can see how far you've gone in the open

115. Oh, Dad

116. See you later? Maybe grab a late supper after the show?

117. Where?

118. Mama Lucia's

119. Sure Pick me up around midnight

120. Right

121. Dad, I'm going to continue seeing him

122. We'll discuss your taste later

123. At the moment, I'd like to check the props, daughter

124. Yes, Father

125. When we played our charade

126. We were like children posing

127. Playing at games

128. Acting out names,

129. Guessing the parts we played

130. Oh, what a hit we made

131. We came on next to closing

132. Best on the bills

133. Lovers until

134. We took in a bundle tonight, Mr Jerome

135. Did Santini ask for me?

136. No, sir

137. Fate seemed to pull the strings

138. I turned and you were gone

139. While from the darkened wings

140. The music box played on

141. Sad little serenade

142. Song of my hearts composing

143. I hear it still

144. I always will

145. Best on the bills

146. I got to see my agent about that job in Vegas

147. Hey, have a good show See you at midnight

148. Okay

149. And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again to thrill and mystify you,

150. The Cabaret of Magic is proud to present

151. the magnificent illusions of The Great Santini!

152. Oh! Thank you

153. Thank you

154. Ladies and gentlemen, each evening here at The Cabaret of Magic,

155. we like to

156. We like to have you participate in our show

157. We ask for a volunteer

158. to help Santini In the back, yes, of course

159. What about a nice hand for Mr and Mrs Right?

160. Thank you

161. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

162. The Cabaret of Magic is proud to present

163. The Great Santinis world famous water tank illusion

164. When this cube is shut, bolted and chained,

165. it will be hermetically sealed

166. with the Great Santini inside of it

167. There will remain only five cubic feet of oxygen,

168. adequate to keep him alive for just nine minutes and 12 seconds

169. To guarantee that the Great Santini cannot get out of the cube,

170. it will be suspended in the tank of water while the time runs out

171. Hold it

172. Okay, medium rare, mac

173. I've got one well done and two medium rare

174. Two well done

175. My brandy, Mike

176. Here you go, sir

177. Thank you

178. Medium rare coming up

179. Watch it, coming through

180. I got a well done here

181. How's your steak coming along?

182. One done, one well

183. Here Those steaks Whose steak is this?

184. Your brandy, sir

185. Place it on the table

186. Right, sir

187. Want to play a new game tonight, Thackery?

188. A new game?

189. Yes, sir

190. Haven't been doing too well at the others lately

191. I'm going to think of a number from one to four

192. and you will tell me the number

193. If lm wrong,

194. you may come in and collect $5

195. But if lm right,

196. no tip

197. Understood?

198. Right, sir I understand

199. Only, tonight I'm gonna get you

200. I'm thinking of a number

201. I'm thinking of a number

202. What is your number?

203. Four

204. Lift the skull from the table and look under it

205. I don't know how you do it, Mr Santini

206. That will be all, Thackery

207. Right

208. Ladies and gentlemen,

209. a nice hand for the daughter of the Master

210. Who is it?

211. How did you

212. Get him out of there

213. Take it up, bud, take it up

214. Send up some coffee, please

215. Coffee, right Right away

216. Thackery! Yes, Harry?

217. Coffee for Mr Jerome

218. Right I'll take it right up

219. Hold it That's good, bud

220. Bring it down

221. A black 62 Buick convertible

222. I've been told to stand out here and keep people away from the door

223. Have you got any witnesses at all? I have no idea

224. We have an 11:00 deadline

225. When they come out, you'll be able to talk to him, fellas

226. That's all I can tell you

227. Can you help us in any way? I cannot

228. Excuse me, sir Lieutenant Columbo

229. Oh, I'm sorry, Lieutenant I didn't recognize you You look different somehow

230. I've had a hair cut

231. Who's in charge?

232. Sergeant Wilson, sir Wilson?

233. Detective Sergeant John J Wilson?

234. That's him You know him, Lieutenant?

235. Yes, I've worked with him before

236. I want everyone assembled in the main room within 30 minutes

237. When Lieutenant Columbo arrives, he's going to want to talk to all of them

238. Sir, there's 156 customers down there

239. The Lieutenant is a very thorough man

240. We won't leave here until he finds the person who did this

241. Yes, sir

242. Lieutenant?

243. Lieutenant

244. Good to see you again, sir Wilson Yes

245. John J Detective Sergeant How do you do?

246. Excuse me Watch my hand It's full of grease This is my dinner

247. Would you like a piece of chicken?

248. No, no, thanks

249. Is the body in there?

250. Yes It's That's a new raincoat, isn't it, sir?

251. It's from my wife Yeah

252. Oh, a present

253. For my birthday

254. Fits beautifully

255. You think so? Yes, I must say, it's a fine looking raincoat

256. It seems a little stiff to me

257. Well, it's new

258. You'll get used to it Yeah

259. You break it in

260. So, what do you got?

261. Jesse T Jerome Born August 3, 1923

262. Height, 5'8" Weight, 174 pounds

263. What did you do, weigh him?

264. No, took it off his driver's license

265. What was he doing, exercising?

266. Sir?

267. His back is damp So are his pants

268. Oh I'll put that down

269. You know, sir, it's a great honor to be working with you again

270. I've gained a lot of experience since our last case, you know

271. Very good

272. Hello? Anybody down here?

273. Santini?

274. Santini, you in there?

275. Yes, who is it?

276. I'm sorry to bother you

277. The police want everybody upstairs

278. Oh, yes, of course, Harry I'll be right there

279. One shot through the heart

280. The napkin was found on top of his shoulder

281. The shot came from the front?

282. Yes, sir

283. The napkin was found on top of his shoulders,

284. and this 38 caliber revolver was found next to the body

285. I suspect it's the murder weapon,

286. though I've learned you can never jump to conclusions

287. But you say the time of death was between 9:56 and 10:06 How do you know that?

288. By Harry Blandford

289. Who is that?

290. Well, he's the maitre d' Sort of a junior partner

291. You see, at 9:56,

292. Jerome called from his office to order some coffee sent up

293. So he had to have been alive

294. Ergo, Jerome died within a 10 minute span

295. Yes, that makes sense What about the money?

296. The money, sir? There's a lot of money in here

297. Is any of that missing?

298. No, no, none of it

299. According to the cashier, it appears to all be there,

300. which rules out robbery as a motive

301. So, robbery was not a motive No, sir

302. Let's assume he knew the person that came in

303. I got to take off this coat I can't think in this coat

304. Pardon me?

305. The coat, I can't think in the coat

306. Sir

307. See, I think the problem is it could have been anybody

308. I mean, unless we trace the gun or pick up some fingerprints

309. Lieutenant? Yes

310. Anybody could have sneaked up the stairs, knocked on the door

311. When Jerome opened the door, they shot him and went right back downstairs again

312. That's what's been bothering me

313. Did he open the door?

314. Well, I don't follow you

315. Jerome was shot in the heart from the front

316. But the body is not here The body landed 8 or 10 feet back

317. I don't understand that

318. Suppose Jerome comes from the office

319. and he opens the door,

320. somebody shoots him,

321. then the bullet enters from the front,

322. but then the body is here, not there

323. Suppose Jerome opens the door

324. Somebody he knows

325. Opens the door, "How do you do?

326. "Come on in"

327. He follows the person in

328. Now he gets shot from the front,

329. but the body falls this way, not that way

330. Now, suppose he goes to the door,

331. opens the door, whatever he sees is a threat,

332. he turns, now he runs,

333. now he gets shot The body falls just where we found it,

334. but he's shot from the back

335. See, I don't understand how this happened

336. How does a man get shot from the front

337. and have the body land here?

338. The door has to be open

339. The murderer opened the door

340. Jerome did not open the door

341. Jerome is in his office

342. He's anywhere

343. He hears the door open

344. Now he comes walking forward to see what happened

345. The murderer sees him,

346. shoots him from the front,

347. and the body falls just where we found it

348. That I can understand

349. Sergeant, excuse me,

350. but some of those people downstairs are getting a little restless

351. How much longer do we hold them?

352. Oh

353. Sir, I took the liberty

354. of holding some of the patrons quarantine

355. The guests? Yes

356. We don't need them We

357. You get their names? Yes, sir

358. Let them go If we need them, we'll call them Yes, sir

359. We don't

360. I'm sorry, sir I thought it best to hold them

361. I thought there might be some questions that you might have in mind

362. What I was about to say, sir,

363. is I don't think that the door was open

364. You see, that's a new lock

365. I can see that

366. It was only installed last week and there's only one key,

367. and that was found on Mr Jerome's person

368. Now, according to his partner,

369. Jerome locked the door every night while counting the receipts

370. Have this lock taken down to the lab

371. Have it checked

372. Yes, sir

373. I'm going downstairs I'm gonna look around

374. Fine Lieutenant

375. Yes? Sir!

376. Yes?

377. Lieutenant? Yes?

378. Your Oh, sir?

379. Lieutenant! What is it?

380. Your coat, sir

381. You forgot your coat

382. I should try and call Danny

383. No, I'd prefer to have you home tonight

384. Listen, dear heart Is that the way backstage?

385. We've both been through a great deal tonight Excuse me

386. Excuse me, sir

387. Sir?

388. The gentleman smoking on the stage

389. Forgive me, but backstage is offlimits

390. No, I'm just gonna look around for a moment

391. I can appreciate that, but I don't care to have my secrets

392. exposed to the world Can you understand that?

393. Oh, you are the magician How do you do, sir?

394. You look different from your picture out front Maybe it's the hat

395. Mmmhmm May I know who you are?

396. Lieutenant Columbo Los Angeles Police Department Homicide

397. I'm terribly sorry, Lieutenant

398. But you can understand my cautiousness Forgive me, I am at your service

399. Oh, that's quite all right

400. It was a terrible thing

401. It was ghastly

402. I was informed of it when I came off stage

403. Really?

404. Yes, I was performing at the time

405. Apparently, it must have happened during the course of my trick

406. I was doing my water tank illusion

407. You know, I saw you do that on television

408. The wife and I, when you were at Madison Square Garden

409. I don't know how you do that, sir

410. You're not supposed to

411. That's how I manage to stay two steps ahead of my creditors

412. I'm sure you do a little better than that

413. Just a little bit

414. Lieutenant, if you'll forgive me, my daughter is waiting for me

415. If there's anything I can do to help, please ask

416. Less baring the secrets of my grand illusions

417. Thank you very much

418. It's my pleasure I'm your obedient servant

419. Have a good night

420. The same to you, sir

421. Della? What's going on?

422. I'll tell you later

423. Come, let's go

424. Good night, boy

425. Handmade, with two special baffles

426. I figured as much when I saw the key

427. That's why I can't figure out how it happened

428. How what happened?

429. This lock was picked

430. Are you sure?

431. Take a look

432. Now, you see those scratches?

433. Somebody picked it open with a thin piece of steel

434. lmpossible, but it happened

435. What else?

436. This is the napkin the killer used to keep the prints off the gun,

437. and also mask any traces of nitrate

438. Hmm

439. As for the gun,

440. it's a standard Smith & Wesson 38 caliber revolver

441. Now, we matched the serial number

442. with a shipment that was stolen from a wholesaler in San Francisco

443. So, there's no record of any ownership,

444. no prints,

445. no nothing

446. And there you are

447. There I am

448. May I borrow this for a while?

449. Mmmhmm, go ahead

450. As long as you sign for it

451. Bravo! That's fantastic

452. Who's that?

453. I've always wanted to know how those things were done Lieutenant Columbo

454. I guess you have to have dexterous hands

455. How astute of you

456. You see, my hands, they wouldn't conceal anything

457. Too small

458. Mmmhmm Well, you're absolutely right

459. Maximum facility

460. Large hands,

461. more facile

462. How goes your hunt?

463. Sir?

464. The murder of Jesse Jerome

465. Come up with any clues yet?

466. Not really, sir, no We're stumped

467. I was hoping you'd be able to throw some light on it for me

468. Would you like my opinion, Lieutenant?

469. Yes, sir

470. There was a gun left, right?

471. That's a mark of a pro

472. Professional killing

473. It's common knowledge that Jesse had syndicated clients

474. That might be very helpful Thank you very much

475. My pleasure

476. I don't want you to take this wrong, sir,

477. but I have to account for everybody's whereabouts

478. At the time of the crime, you said you were performing the water tank trick

479. That's right

480. Now, when the cube is in the water tank,

481. you're not really in that cube, right?

482. Perhaps, perhaps not

483. No, it's not that I want you to give away any professional secrets, sir

484. My dear friend, I'd rather confess to a murder than to do that

485. I just don't know what to write down in the report

486. You don't know my boss

487. If I say you were locked in this cube,

488. chained in without air for 10 minutes and suspended in water,

489. the man's gonna look at me funny

490. So it really is a question of an alibi, right?

491. Actually, sir, it's just a question of the report

492. Let me tell you, Lieutenant, I probably have

493. the best alibi of anyone who works here

494. Anyone And the irony is, the worst

495. Where was I last night when Jesse Jerome got it?

496. Was I here

497. or was I there?

498. It's fascinating, isn't it?

499. Don't do that to me, sir

500. I admit it, you know I don't know where in the hell you were

501. All I want to do is just please the superior here with this thing

502. Let me clear your head up for you

503. I had absolutely nothing to do with the crime

504. I've spent half my life working in that grand illusion

505. It's been wonderful for me and audiences love it

506. And I'm not about to divulge the secret

507. But if at some point in time you and your superior,

508. and I know he's a tough man,

509. insist that I come up with an alibi,

510. I promise you I'll produce one But until that time,

511. at least allow me

512. the privacy of my professional secret

513. Is that fair?

514. Fair enough

515. Thank you

516. Have a good day

517. Thank you very much

518. My pleasure

519. Sir, would you mind if I came to see the show tonight?

520. I'd be honored to have your presence

521. Thank you

522. Could it be done by 8:00 tonight?

523. You young people

524. When I was a young man, time was precious

525. You savored it

526. Today, everything has to be done yesterday

527. But, sir, this is very, very important

528. and I would appreciate

529. I'll be a son of a gun Where did you find that?

530. I've been looking all over for it

531. In the lost and found You left it in the cafeteria

532. I thought somebody stole it

533. At police headquarters?

534. All right, put it in my car

535. Anything you could do to see to it

536. that I have that by 8:00 tonight Lieutenant

537. would certainly be appreciated Sir

538. Could I see you for a moment, privately?

539. Mr Lassiter, Sergeant Wilson

540. How do you do, sir?

541. Yes, how do you do?

542. Well, I'll get started on these cuffs

543. Danny Green, the singer,

544. he was having an argument with Mr Jerome about his contract

545. and he wanted out And he has no alibi

546. He said he left the premises to go see his agent,

547. but he didn't see his agent until 11:00

548. That's very good legwork, Sergeant,

549. but the singer didn't do it

550. No?

551. No

552. Mr Jerome wanted a lock that couldn't be picked

553. Mr Lassiter here made it

554. That rules out the singer

555. Unless, of course, he turns out to be an expert at picking locks

556. But you still think it's an inside job? Someone

557. Oh, it is Absolutely All right

558. Well, I'll check everyone else out at the club, sir

559. Lieutenant, sir, your coat

560. Just leave it in the car

561. Best on the bill

562. Lovers until

563. Love left the masquerade

564. Yes, of course, there'll be a performance tonight,

565. even though Mr Jerome is no longer with us

566. I have a very strong hunch about you, my lady

567. Believe in clairvoyancy? Yes

568. Your pen

569. Tonight, for your benefit,

570. on that stage,

571. I will try to reach Mr Jerome

572. With your head, if your ESP is working, when I'm up

573. I just wanted to say hello

574. Lieutenant Columbo, delighted you're here

575. Wonderful crowd you have

576. Mr Santini I was wondering, do you

577. Mr Santini Mr Santini

578. Yes, excuse me Yes, John?

579. This gentleman is from out of town He says he knows you

580. How are you? Glad to see you again

581. Michael Lally

582. The greatest wire act He and his brother You should have seen them

583. How is he? Well, he's still working

584. I gave the act up I got a little bit too old

585. Mr Santini? Excuse me Yes?

586. Two minutes to show time Thank you, Jimmy

587. Excuse me Have a drink on me

588. Mr Santini, I don't want to impose

589. Could you do something about my table?

590. Of course Where are you sitting, Lieutenant?

591. In the other room

592. In there?

593. Jimmy Yes, sir?

594. May I have the guest of honor table

595. for the Lieutenant, please? Certainly

596. My apologies Thank you very much

597. This might be a bit embarrassing

598. I brought something with me It's a little trick

599. I thought I'd challenge you with it

600. I think you'll get a kick out of it

601. I'd be delighted to see it after the performance, please

602. Thank you, again Hope you enjoy it

603. Dom Perignon

604. This way, Lieutenant Right down here

605. Just a second

606. I always will

607. Best on the bill

608. Take good care of the Lieutenant

609. Thank you very much Enjoy yourself

610. Good evening Can I have your order?

611. Yes, I'll just have a soft drink, please Ginger ale

612. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

613. The Cabaret of Magic is proud to present

614. The Great Santini!

615. The most beautiful woman in the world, and why not,

616. my beautiful daughter, Della

617. Thank you

618. Ladies and gentlemen, each evening here at The Cabaret of Magic,

619. we like to ask a member of our audience,

620. a volunteer, to step forward on the stage

621. to be Santini's attendant or assistant, if you would

622. Perhaps a beautiful young woman

623. We have a beautiful young man instead

624. Ladies and gentlemen, we are honored

625. because this gentleman who stands before you is none other than

626. Lieutenant Columbo of the Los Angeles Police Department

627. Welcome, Lieutenant

628. Lieutenant, you look like a man who enjoys a game of chance

629. You play cards? Yes, sir

630. Down at the station? Yes, sir

631. Does the Chief know about that, Lieutenant? No, sir

632. Lieutenant, do you possess a deck of cards with you?

633. With me? No, sir

634. You're sure, not on your person anywhere?

635. Me? No

636. Well, unfortunately, I don't have any either, but

637. Well, maybe backstage

638. Lieutenant, what do we have here?

639. You're holding out on us

640. Ace of spades, Lieutenant

641. Lieutenant, what do we have

642. King of hearts King of hearts

643. Is that all you Lieutenant!

644. Yeah? What have we here? Three bullets

645. That, Lieutenant, is indeed a fine hand in any man's book,

646. but I believe, sir,

647. that I could possibly beat that hand

648. Are you holding any more cards?

649. Lieutenant, somewhere on your

650. Do Oh, what have we here, Lieutenant?

651. A full deck!

652. Quite a full deck

653. Lovely Della

654. Thank you, Della

655. Thank you, my lady

656. That Thank you, Lieutenant, very much

657. No, no, no Thank you

658. What about a nice hand for Lieutenant Columbo?

659. Thank you very much

660. Thank you

661. Lights! You know, I'd like to challenge you to a trick

662. I brought something with me,

663. a trick I'd like to challenge him with, if I could

664. It's You know, down at headquarters,

665. we've got these special handcuffs for dangerous criminals

666. They're absolutely foolproof, you can't get out of them,

667. and the boys down at the station,

668. they said nobody could get out of them,

669. and I wagered that you would I don't know whether you can, sir,

670. but would you like to try and see whether you could do that?

671. Would you be good enough, sir, though,

672. to explain to my audience that I have never seen these cuffs before,

673. and this is the first time we've ever attempted this?

674. Oh, absolutely, I can vouch for that All right

675. Absolutely

676. I'll raise that up for you Make it more convenient

677. And there we have them

678. Are they secured now, sir? Yes, sir

679. To your satisfaction? You can't get out of these

680. I know that for a fact

681. We shall try May I have a drum roll, please?

682. Your handcuffs

683. I knew you could do it

684. A round of applause for the Lieutenant who tried

685. to outwit the Master

686. Thank you Thank you very much

687. Thank you very much

688. Thank you Thank you

689. Oh, Lieutenant

690. You seem to have forgotten your badge

691. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

692. The Cabaret of Magic is proud to present

693. The Great Santinis world famous water tank illusion

694. When this cube is shut, bolted and chained,

695. it will be hermetically sealed

696. with the Great Santini inside of it

697. There will remain only five cubic feet of oxygen,

698. adequate to keep him alive for just nine minutes and 12 seconds

699. Lieutenant, what can I do for you?

700. Does Mr Santini do this trick at the same time every night?

701. Like clockwork

702. Okay, take it away, bud

703. No one's allowed to Oh, Lieutenant, okay

704. To guarantee that the Great Santini cannot get out of the cube,

705. it will be suspended in the tank of water while the time runs out

706. Lieutenant, I can't let you go down there

707. Oh, I just wanted Santini's orders

708. I'm only doing what I'm told

709. Has Santini come backstage yet?

710. Of course not, sir He's in that cube

711. Sir, about the other possible suspects,

712. Harry Blandford He owned 250% of the club

713. Now with Jerome dead, he owns it all

714. Later, Wilson

715. Yes, sir

716. Sliced carrots Slice them up

717. I tell you every night, you slice it thin and you keep it rare

718. And I need about 100 servings tonight at least

719. You keep it thin, and you keep it rare Right? Good

720. Luigi, remember, lettuce doesn't swim Not too much dressing

721. Hey, you're the guy from the agency

722. Take that coat off, put this one on,

723. you get yourself a tray, you join World War III

724. Police Police?

725. What's below the stage? Where is Sergeant Wilson?

726. I'm Lieutenant Columbo What's below the stage?

727. It's a basement It's a storage room

728. How do I get there?

729. Go through that door and down the stairs to the left

730. Hey, Lieutenant Columbo

731. Yeah?

732. I am Harry Blandford

733. Harry Blandford I was Mr Jerome's partner

734. Yeah, call me later

735. Mr Santini?

736. Mr Santini?

737. Mr Santini?

738. Come in, Lieutenant I've been expecting you

739. Good evening

740. Feel privileged, Lieutenant I usually don't allow anyone in here

741. I had a very strong suspicion you'd be looking for me tonight

742. Thank you, sir

743. Careful

744. That's how you do it

745. Yes, that's how it's done

746. I am not in the cube I'm right here

747. And that should certainly satisfy your report

748. Yes, sir, that's certainly going to sound better

749. I mean, I couldn't write that

750. That you were chained in a cube and dumped in a tank of water

751. without air for 10 minutes

752. Well, let's see Whereabouts during crime,

753. Mr Santini in basement room

754. I couldn't very well stop you from finding out and now that you do know,

755. I would very much appreciate your telling as few people as possible

756. Well, certainly, sir Can you verify that?

757. Can I verify what?

758. That you were actually here?

759. You really are something

760. My good man, where could I have gone?

761. If I had indeed exited through these two doors here,

762. made a sharp left turn, ran down the passageway, gone up the stairwell,

763. the stage manager would have seen me

764. Check with him

765. My alternative was to go out these doors, up that stairwell,

766. which would have led me directly into the kitchen,

767. where at least a dozen people would have been aware of my presence

768. Well, that certainly makes sense, sir

769. Thank you

770. Listen,

771. I gotta hand it to you about those handcuffs You sure got them off fast

772. Whew!

773. We all have our particular talents, Lieutenant

774. Mine happens to be illusion and yours, I suspect, is reality,

775. and a rather grim one at that

776. Well, you cleared up one thing

777. You know, that lock was supposed to be pickproof?

778. You showed it wasn't At least, not for a man of your ability Whew!

779. Oh, any lock could be picked, Lieutenant, if you know how

780. I guess you have to keep pretty good track of the time

781. I mean, you get up on the stage late, you'll blow the whole trick

782. Absolutely

783. Have you had any luck tracing the gun?

784. No, sir Could have belonged to anybody

785. And what about the napkin?

786. Oh, nothing special Just a napkin from the kitchen

787. Uhhuh

788. Wouldn't be

789. anything like this?

790. You son of a gun, you devil, you

791. You did it again

792. You really must excuse me now

793. Oh, incidentally, Lieutenant,

794. I neglected to have my usual brandy this evening

795. It's right here on the table if you care to imbibe

796. What did Brandy?

797. Oh, didn't I tell you?

798. I always have brandy brought to me

799. exactly at the same time each evening

800. It calms the nerves

801. Excuse me, could you tell me who brought Mr Santini his brandy last night?

802. Excuse me, I hate to bother you, but

803. Can I have everybody's attention, please? This is police business!

804. Thank you very much

805. I just want to talk to the individual

806. who brought Mr Santini his brandy last night

807. I did

808. May I speak to you over there, please?

809. Right, sir

810. You can go back to work Thank you very much

811. You'll have to make it fast, sir

812. Got a boiled lobster and a creamed crab ready for table 18

813. About this brandy What is that? Is that a regular thing?

814. Oh, yes During every performance

815. I think the old boy needs it to calm his nerves

816. And you always take it down to him during that 10 minutes?

817. Yes, sir

818. You took him the brandy last night and he was there?

819. Yes, sir

820. My lobster and my crab, sir?

821. Right

822. You're positive?

823. I know his voice, Lieutenant It was him

824. What do you mean his voice? You didn't see him?

825. Not actually But he was moving around in there That I saw

826. You're sure?

827. Yes Every night he likes to play a mind trick on me

828. Last night he asked me to pick a number from one to four

829. What do you mean?

830. A number from one to four

831. He didn't guess it right, I'd go through the door and he'd give me $5

832. So how could he have not been there? If that's what you're thinking

833. Thackery, we've got hungry people waiting out there

834. Right, Harry

835. Boiled lobster and creamed crab

836. I'll hop right to it

837. Did he guess the right number?

838. Yeah

839. Lieutenant Columbo!

840. Lieutenant Columbo!

841. I'd appreciate it

842. if you'd stayed out of my kitchen during dinner hours, right?

843. I'm sorry, I'm a pest, but I'm very confused

844. Yeah, you look it

845. Simmons, get a wine list over to table 31 right away Fast!

846. Mr Blandford, one more thing and I'll get out of your way

847. You were in and out of the kitchen all night during the evening

848. Would you know if there was a new man on last night, however briefly?

849. Look, let me tell you something about the kitchen, huh?

850. We run on a short staff, so we run short

851. We call the employment agency,

852. they send over a temporary That's a temporary

853. The guy comes in here, I say, "Get a red coat, grab a tray, go on out there" That's it

854. So you wouldn't know if a stranger walked through here?

855. Are you kidding me? I wouldn't notice

856. if my mother came in here and she kissed me Why?

857. I'm trying to explain something that is not explainable

858. It sounds like you're talking to Santini

859. Hey, Carlos, get some flatware out here We're running short

860. And hustle it up

861. Good morning, sir

862. Good morning

863. What a nastylooking thing

864. Nasty and lethal

865. Observe A simple carrot

866. A flick of the wrist, a downward thrust and

867. A very handy kitchen device

868. On the other hand, hardly mystifying

869. Now let me demonstrate

870. the magical aspect of this device, sir

871. Will you assist me?

872. I'd like to demonstrate this wonderful illusion

873. You do have faith, don't you?

874. You don't mean my hand?

875. Please

876. In there?

877. Yes, please In there

878. And you want me to put my hand in there?

879. Yes, right in there, please, sir

880. What are you going to do?

881. Now just place your hand

882. a little further in this, sir, if you will

883. What are you going to do?

884. Fully guaranteed for two years against all defects

885. and it comes with three extra blades

886. $8995

887. Oh!

888. I'll be a son of a gun Don't ever do that again

889. Thank you very much That's a hell of a trick

890. Yes Are you interested, Mr

891. Columbo is my name

892. No Columbo

893. Excellent Very good Is that the Great Columbo?

894. No, just Lieutenant

895. Police Investigating a murder

896. The murder of Jesse Jerome

897. Oh, dear Jesse

898. To know him was to detest him

899. I was in San Marino that night, Lieutenant,

900. at my inlaws'

901. Sir, you're not under suspicion

902. No, I just want a little information

903. Let's say that a man is in one room,

904. but he wants someone to think he's in another room

905. To make his voice come from another room Do you have a trick like that?

906. No, not really

907. I assume you're talking about some kind of radio device

908. I'm talking about making your voice come from another room

909. Well, someone could speak into a small concealed mike

910. and have his voice come from somewhere else

911. Right

912. Well, that's not really magic, Lieutenant

913. More like the gaff in a head act

914. The gaff in a head act?

915. A head act Mind reading

916. You know, a guy up on the stage

917. and an assistant in the audience,

918. usually a broad,

919. and she asks some guy in the 20th row

920. if he has something he wants to ask the swami,

921. so he whispers it to her

922. But what the mark don't know is the broad is rigged with a mike

923. and the guy on the stage has a little receiver behind his ear

924. So, if you had a couple of those things and an amplifier,

925. you could create the illusion of being somewhere while you were not

926. If you know what you're doing

927. Do you have something I could look at?

928. Sure

929. Mr Lally?

930. Yeah, what can I do for you?

931. Do you remember me?

932. Yeah, you were at the Cabaret club the other night

933. Yeah, I sure was

934. Come on in Thanks

935. Help yourself to a beer in the fridge

936. What do you pay here?

937. $40 a month

938. Maid service?

939. Are you kidding? Maid service?

940. And where is the bathroom?

941. In the hallway

942. Hotplate yours?

943. That's my hotplate

944. Still not bad

945. What did you think of that magician?

946. Oh, he's always been great

947. You know, I would've bet money that he couldn't get out of those cuffs

948. Don't ever bet against Santini He's the cream of cream

949. They tell me you go way back with him

950. Oh, yeah, way back, when me and my brothers

951. were the top wire act in Europe

952. He was the gaff in the head act,

953. and he always brought it off very smooth, very smart

954. That's where he got his start

955. Was his name Santini then?

956. No, no, not then

957. It was Arlington or Kensington, something English,

958. but he had an accent you could chop off with an axe

959. Oh, what kind of an accent?

960. I think it was German

961. Where'd you first meet him?

962. In Budapest

963. Maybe the accent was Hungarian

964. But it didn't go along with this English name

965. Then zippo

966. Five years later, we run into him in Oslo

967. The accent's gone,

968. he's very British, and now he's carrying an Italian name

969. Santini?

970. The Great Santini

971. So the name stuck, and now the accent is American?

972. Yeah, but he grew into a master of accents

973. I think he can even imitate you

974. I figure he's the kind of man

975. that he could do almost anything if he put his mind to it

976. You mean his hand to it

977. Right

978. What's his real name?

979. I don't know, I never did know

980. The television yours? Yeah,

981. that's mine and the hotplate is mine

982. The rest belongs to the joint

983. What time do you have?

984. 1:00

985. The tub Is there a tub in the john?

986. No, no, no

987. There's one shower on the third floor for everybody

988. Listen, thanks

989. Don't mention it

990. My agents are putting together a completely new tour

991. and I'm going to require a new assistant

992. Whatever happened to your daughter?

993. Well, unfortunately, the poor child has gone soft on a rather mediocre singer

994. She lacks taste

995. Genetically, I don't quite understand it

996. Well, maybe it comes from her mother's side of the family

997. Not likely, since she was the lady who taught me everything I know

998. Seriously, though, I

999. I wish you would consider it

1000. I have a feeling you'd make a marvelous traveling companion

1001. I'll think about it

1002. Please do

1003. I shouldn't be long

1004. You stay put now or I'll revoke your driving privileges

1005. I'm gonna leave this coat in the car

1006. If somebody tries to lift it, you look the other way

1007. Yes, may I help you, sir?

1008. Oh, no

1009. What's the matter?

1010. Someone I thought I'd seen the last of

1011. Do you have a match, sir?

1012. Yes, sir

1013. Well, do you think you could make him disappear, too?

1014. It's a splendid suggestion, but in his case, I think, rather doubtful

1015. I'm just gonna join that gentleman at that table

1016. for a moment, if you don't mind

1017. Thank you very much

1018. Mr Santini, I'm sorry I didn't mean to intrude

1019. I'm sure you didn't

1020. This will only take a moment,

1021. unless you prefer my waiting until you're finished

1022. Lieutenant, what is it about me that you find so irresistible?

1023. Well, you know how it is, sir,

1024. I gotta check out all the leads until I get my man

1025. Could have been a woman, you know

1026. Of course

1027. There was a homicide at the club The owner was murdered

1028. Please sit

1029. Ironically, it happened during the course of my act

1030. Oh, forgive me, Lieutenant Columbo, this is Miss McCarthy

1031. How do you do, ma'am?

1032. Would you like to order cocktail? No, nothing for me

1033. Do you know a Michael Lally, sir?

1034. Yes, of course I know Michael Lally

1035. And you know very well I know him

1036. because you saw me talking to him last night in the club

1037. Well, according to Mr Lally, when he first knew you in Europe,

1038. you were going under another name

1039. Kensington or Arlington

1040. What of it?

1041. You didn't think Santini was really my name, did you?

1042. "Does not look Italian"

1043. That's the very first note I made, sir

1044. How astute

1045. But you do use the name of Santini on your passport

1046. Why, Lieutenant, you've been checking up on me

1047. Well, I really don't have any choice, sir

1048. Why are you so preoccupied to find out my real identity?

1049. Your origin

1050. may be more humble than you make it appear

1051. And what about you, Lieutenant?

1052. Beneath that ruffled exterior,

1053. there ticks away the heart

1054. of an empiricist philosopher,

1055. probing for the truth at all costs

1056. I'm just doing my job

1057. But you make it sound so proletarian

1058. And my job, if you will,

1059. has to do with appearances

1060. I'm not what I appear to be

1061. and then again, neither are you

1062. Mr Lally remembers that in the old days you spoke with a different accent

1063. Was it this one, mein Herr?

1064. Or perhaps this one, guvnor

1065. Is it better? All right

1066. Or maybe it sounded like this

1067. Ooh, you're a remarkable man, Mr Santini

1068. How keen of you to notice it

1069. I could do my East Ukrainian

1070. but unfortunately, Miss McCarthy and I have an appointment

1071. If you'll excuse us, Lieutenant

1072. Could you at least tell me which name it was?

1073. Was it Arlington or was it Kensington?

1074. Well, neither, actually

1075. It was Washington

1076. Do you have a first name on that, sir?

1077. Martha

1078. Sir, you sent for me?

1079. Yes, Wilson, I Lieutenant, I've got an idea

1080. The waiter, Thackery

1081. He was the one who brought the coffee up to Jerome, remember?

1082. All right, Jerome left the door open for him

1083. Thackery goes upstairs, goes inside, shoots Jerome,

1084. then he fools around with the lock to make it look like somebody picked it

1085. That's very good The magician did it

1086. What?

1087. Mr Santini killed Mr Jerome

1088. Santini? Santini was in the basement

1089. You yourself said he was down there playing the trick with Thackery

1090. He was going to personally hand Thackery $5

1091. if Santini couldn't guess the number

1092. Well, his voice was in the basement He wasn't there

1093. Only his voice

1094. You see, what we have to remember

1095. is that Mr Santini is a master of illusion

1096. He makes you believe what he wants you to believe

1097. Pick a number from one to four

1098. Pick a number?

1099. Pick any number from one to four

1100. I got it What is it?

1101. Two

1102. Lift up the telephone receiver

1103. Turn it over

1104. "I knew you were thinking of number two"

1105. How did you do that?

1106. If you had picked number four,

1107. I would tell you to look under the ashtray

1108. "I knew you were thinking of number four"

1109. If you had said number one, I'd tell you to pick up the hole punch

1110. "I knew you were thinking of number one"

1111. If you had picked number three

1112. "I knew you were thinking of number three"

1113. That's

1114. Where did you learn this?

1115. That trick cost me $1735 in a magic shop

1116. Oh, that's expensive

1117. All right, let's say Santini wasn't in the basement

1118. I mean, let's say Santini did it

1119. But what's the motive? I mean, there has to be a motive

1120. Yes, there is always a motive

1121. We just have to find it

1122. Come on Where are we going?

1123. We can't find a motive here

1124. Yeah, where are we going to find it? I don't know

1125. So where are we going?

1126. Wilson, will you

1127. I forgot my coat

1128. Coat?

1129. We'll get some air

1130. Right Think

1131. Lieutenant, what happened to your new coat?

1132. Oh, that? It didn't fit

1133. The wife, she's gonna change it for something new

1134. Oh

1135. Excuse me, mac, you were just sitting down?

1136. I beg your pardon

1137. Wilson, this man was just sitting down

1138. Forgive me

1139. Would you turn around? I just want to see the back of your shirt

1140. Perspiration You were sitting?

1141. Yes, I was sitting Where were you sitting?

1142. That corner chair right over there

1143. Leather Wilson, take this down

1144. Just before Mr Jerome was killed, we know he was sitting

1145. The next question is where was he sitting?

1146. There are seven chairs and a couch

1147. Where was he sitting?

1148. Well, his jacket was on this chair So he could have been sitting in this chair

1149. There was a glass of wine on the desk and the reading glasses

1150. He could have been He was sweating

1151. Yes His shirt was damp

1152. You can see the discoloration

1153. It starts at the belt

1154. and works halfway up the back

1155. So we rule out all the chairs with cloth

1156. He was sitting on leather

1157. Sit in that chair

1158. That's a highback leather chair

1159. We rule that out

1160. The sweat line would come to the shoulders

1161. Highback leather chair We rule that out

1162. He was sitting in this chair

1163. Sweat line hits in the right place

1164. So, we know where he was sitting

1165. What was he doing?

1166. Well, we know he came up to check the cash receipts

1167. But the cash box was never opened

1168. The reading glasses There were reading glasses on the desk

1169. He might have been reading

1170. Was there reading material around? Books, papers or letters?

1171. No He wasn't reading

1172. No, nothing, sir

1173. The telephone! He might have been on the telephone, talking on the telephone

1174. Here for 40 minutes? Maybe part of the time

1175. I don't see any connection between taking out reading glasses

1176. and making a call

1177. He could have been writing

1178. The pad is bare

1179. He never did what he came up here to do

1180. He came up here to count his money,

1181. doublelocked the door, put the money on his desk

1182. but he never opened the box Why?

1183. Was it because he got absorbed in listening to music?

1184. Or did he have something more important to do?

1185. I would assume it was because he had something more important to do

1186. I think he had something more important to do

1187. What was it?

1188. Lieutenant Columbo

1189. Good afternoon

1190. You know Sergeant Wilson?

1191. How do you do?

1192. Do you know how unnerving it is

1193. for everyone who works with me and works in this building

1194. because you and your men are snooping around?

1195. Now, is there any chance

1196. that you could be a little less conspicuous?

1197. It is unnerving My apologies, sir

1198. Thank you

1199. Now, may I know how long you and Dr Watson here

1200. are going to be poking around?

1201. Well, we are making progress, sir

1202. Oh Anything significant?

1203. Tell Mr Santini about the trick that I played on you today

1204. The Lieutenant's become a magician

1205. Go on, tell him about it He'll get a kick out of it

1206. The Lieutenant asked me to think of a number between one and four,

1207. and then he would guess the number that I was thinking and prove it

1208. And there was no doubt about it

1209. The number was two

1210. I was thinking of the number two

1211. He asked me the number I was thinking and I told him two

1212. And then he asked me to look under the telephone

1213. I looked under the telephone and there was a little slip of paper and on it said,

1214. "I knew you were thinking of number two"

1215. Bravo

1216. That's magic, wizardry

1217. Actually, Dunninger used it in his act

1218. It's an old standby

1219. Now, you said you were making some progress

1220. Yes, sir, we've determined where Mr Jerome was just before the murder

1221. Of course, he was right here in the office

1222. Where in the office?

1223. Now, how would I know that?

1224. He was sitting in this chair

1225. Do you know that for a fact?

1226. Yes

1227. What were we talking about before Mr Santini came in?

1228. Well, we were concerned with what Mr Jerome was doing

1229. while he was sitting in the chair

1230. Right

1231. We were concentrating on the reading glasses

1232. Right

1233. Actually, sir, we were concerned with the motive

1234. Right

1235. You see, sir, we're stumped with the motive

1236. Do you have a suspect?

1237. Yes

1238. You do?

1239. We do,

1240. but we don't have a motive for you

1241. Oh

1242. I am the suspect

1243. How interesting

1244. Well, finding a motive should be a piece of cake

1245. for a couple of clever men like you

1246. And I promise you I will not disappear before your very eyes

1247. when you come to arrest me

1248. The reading glasses

1249. You know, Lieutenant,

1250. you would wear reading glasses if you were typing

1251. Yes, you would wear reading glasses if you were typing,

1252. but there was no paper in the typewriter

1253. And there was no typewritten documents in either the desk,

1254. in the drawers or on top

1255. There is nothing in this room to indicate that that man was typing

1256. What's this?

1257. What's what, sir?

1258. This

1259. Looks like a golf ball

1260. That's how it types, sir The ball types the letters

1261. But it's not moving

1262. The typewriter This thing is not moving

1263. Carriage

1264. This is the carriage, but there is no carriage on this typewriter

1265. You see, the ball moves from left to right

1266. Allow me to demonstrate, sir, please

1267. You see, I used one of these at the Academy Typing School

1268. Oh, I didn't know they had one

1269. Oh, yes

1270. I'll be a son of a gun

1271. Oh, it's a remarkable machine, Lieutenant

1272. Very modern

1273. See this?

1274. This is a disposable carbon ribbon for a very crisp image

1275. Top speed of this machine I'd say is about 220 words a minute

1276. Beautiful Beautiful machine

1277. Well, sir, shall we get cracking?

1278. "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party"

1279. Lieutenant, shall we continue the search?

1280. Very good, Wilson

1281. Very good

1282. Thank you, sir

1283. Thank you

1284. Harry, what's going on?

1285. That Lieutenant's got Danny Green up in Jesse's office

1286. Something's about to break on the murder

1287. Why do you suppose he wants to see me?

1288. He didn't say I've got work to do

1289. You're crazy Santini couldn't have done it

1290. He killed him, Mr Green, and I can prove it

1291. I can prove how and I can prove why

1292. Blackmail

1293. Blackmail? Come on

1294. Blackmail

1295. Jesse Jerome knew that Santini was really Stefan Mueller,

1296. a former SS guard at the end of World War II

1297. And when Jesse Jerome threatened to expose him, Mueller killed him

1298. But how? He was in the basement

1299. I can prove it

1300. When he gets here I'm gonna show you how he did it

1301. There's no sense running, sir There's no place to run to

1302. I just heard you talking upstairs in the room with Green

1303. No, sir, we were never up there

1304. It's an easy illusion to create

1305. All you need is some miniature radio equipment

1306. The receiver, a wireless mike and a transmitter

1307. You used something like this the other night

1308. You used it when you fooled the waiter into thinking you were still in the basement

1309. when you were performing that "pick a number from one to four" trick,

1310. when in reality you were upstairs, killing Jesse Jerome

1311. Bravo

1312. Wrong, but an interesting theory

1313. More than that

1314. It shows opportunity

1315. And the letter shows motive

1316. A letter?

1317. A letter addressed to the Department of lmmigration and Naturalization

1318. It identifies you as a war criminal Means, opportunity, and motive

1319. It's enough to convict for first degree murder

1320. It's impossible It's a trick and not a very good one

1321. A trick? No

1322. That's the letter

1323. Oh, no, Lieutenant

1324. No, you see, this letter was burned

1325. So much for your letter

1326. There's the letter

1327. I hope you were watching carefully That's my best trick

1328. Of course, I don't have your style, but I get pretty good results

1329. You can burn that one, too, if you like

1330. There's plenty more where that came from

1331. Wilson

1332. You made one mistake

1333. You did not look closely enough at that typewriter

1334. If you had, you would have seen that it used a plastic carbon ribbon

1335. Disposable carbon ribbon, sir

1336. The kind you don't reuse

1337. And when the key strikes the ribbon,

1338. it punches out a letter that is clearly visible on the used ribbon

1339. You can see it

1340. I want you to see for yourself

1341. If you look carefully at this section of the ribbon,

1342. you'll see that it says,

1343. "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party"

1344. I typed that

1345. Sergeant Wilson typed that

1346. But Jesse Jerome typed something else

1347. And if we unwind the entire used section of the ribbon,

1348. we see what Mr Jerome typed

1349. "Department of lmmigration and Naturalization, Washington DC

1350. "Enclosed find a letter which proves

1351. "that Santini is in reality an exNazi

1352. "named Stefan Mueller"

1353. I don't think there's any need for me to go any further, is there, sir?

1354. No

1355. Means, opportunity,

1356. motive

1357. And I thought I'd performed the perfect murder

1358. Perfect murder, sir

1359. Oh, I'm sorry, there is no such thing as a perfect murder

1360. That's just an illusion

1361. Officer