Columbo 1x3

1. - Who is it?

2. - Oh, you're not intimidated, huh?

3. - Oh, come on, Ken.

4. You're forgetting that I'm one half of the world's greatest

5. mystery writing team.

6. You, ah, don't have gloves on.

7. Your finger's not on the trigger.

8. And there are no bullets in the cylinder.

9. You're right.

10. I'm a lousy practical joker.

11. - What are you doing here with that thing, anyway?

12. - I was on my way down to the cabin.

13. I thought maybe I could use it for protection down there.

14. Also came by to apologize.

15. - For what?

16. - For blowing my cork the other day.

17. I got out of line.

18. - Oh.

19. Forget it.

20. You know, that happens.

21. - Nah.

22. Shouldn't happen, not between you and me.

23. So believe it or not, sir, this is a peace pipe.

24. Bottoms up, Jim.

25. - In the middle of the morning?

26. - Oh, come on.

27. Relax.

28. It's Saturday.

29. And in the mystery writer's soul, it is always the middle

30. of the night.

31. Oop.

32. A toast.

33. Dear sir, I give you our divorce.

34. - Well, it's not really a divorce.

35. - Oh, sure it is.

36. Come on, let's be honest.

37. I mean it's—

38. There's no alimony, but, uh, it is a termination.

39. Ah, yes.

40. And our dear little children.

41. All 15 of them.

42. 50 million copies.

43. And to the lady who made it all possible, the greatest

44. sleuth in the world, Mrs. Melville, whom we brought to

45. life and now we're about to bury.

46. - Come on, Ken.

47. You're making me feel guilty.

48. All I want to do is write on my own.

49. - You're right.

50. I am being selfish.

51. OK, my boy, my blessings on your solo flight.

52. - Thanks.

53. I appreciate it.

54. - After all, friendship is more important than

55. partnership, right?

56. Here's to our friendship.

57. - Right.

58. - And now, sir, I'm gonna kidnap you.

59. - What?

60. - The aforementioned cabin, which has been finished for

61. over six months now, you haven't seen it.

62. You're gonna be my first male guest.

63. - Oh, I can't, Ken, not now.

64. - Oh, why can't you?

65. - It's all the way down to San Diego.

66. - Oh, it's a couple of hours drive.

67. I'll have you home before midnight.

68. - Yeah, well, I promised Joanna I'd take her to dinner and a

69. show.

70. - Aw, that's easy.

71. You pick up that phone, you say, honey, I'm gonna be

72. working late at the office tonight.

73. Come on.

74. As soon as we get down there, we'll uncork another bottle

75. and we'll go fishing.

76. - Well, I—

77. - God.

78. You know your trouble, old buddy, is, I mean, you're

79. afraid to unwind even for a day.

80. - Oh, no, I'm not.

81. - Well, then prove it.

82. Come on.

83. If you want some justification, you're doing it

84. as a favor for me.

85. At least give me a chance to bury the hatchet with some

86. style, huh?

87. You just don't drop your partner and then turn down his

88. invitation all in one week, now do you?

89. - Actually the timing isn't bad.

90. I was just finishing the final chapter.

91. - Ah, Mrs. Melville's last case.

92. You know we ought to send that broad some flowers.

93. Listen, I made a list of things up that I'd like to

94. take from the office.

95. You want to take a look at it?

96. - I don't get it.

97. It's a list of names.

98. - Oh, I'm losing my mind.

99. It's the wrong one.

100. I must have left the other one at the house.

101. Ah.

102. Oh, I am losing my mind.

103. - What's the matter?

104. - I left my lighter in the office.

105. - Do you need it?

106. - That's my security blanket.

107. I'll only be a minute.

108. - Could have figured I had to talk you into this trip.

109. Oh, Jim, smell that air.

110. - How far is the cabin?

111. - Ah, it's not far.

112. About an hour.

113. We have to skirt San Diego.

114. - I'll only be a minute.

115. I just have to get some supplies.

116. Do you want to hand me that book in that glove

117. compartment?

118. - Hey, it's one of ours.

119. - Yeah.

120. The boss lady here is a big fan of ours.

121. I've been promising this for months.

122. Ha, the price of fame.

123. - Hey, you want me to come with you?

124. - No, no.

125. I'll only be a minute.

126. Ms. La Sanka?

127. Anybody home?

128. In a minute.

129. Mr. Franklin.

130. Ooh, my planets must be in the right house.

131. - Ho.

132. Not only that, but they're working overtime.

133. I have a surprise for you.

134. - For moi?

135. - For moi.

136. - "Prescription Murder.

137. A Mrs. Melville thriller by James Ferris and Ken

138. Franklin."

139. - Oh, uh, take a look at the first page.

140. - You signed it?

141. You dear man.

142. Well, Mr. Franklin.

143. I'd rather have the story teller than the story.

144. - Well, I'll tell you what, if you play your cards right and

145. give me my grocery list, someday you may have both.

146. - Empty promises.

147. - Ms. La Sanka.

148. - What do you need?

149. - Just a few things for overnight, thanks.

150. - Who is it this week, the blond or the redhead?

151. - Oh, Ms. La Sanka, I'm all alone this weekend, except for

152. some contemplation, some fishing, and the refreshment

153. of my spirit.

154. Could you break this for me?

155. I need some change for the phone.

156. Thanks very much.

157. That'll do fine.

158. Thank you.

159. Operator, I'd like to place a station to

160. station call to Los Angeles.

161. The area code is 213.

162. - Hello.

163. Joanna, it's Ken.

164. - Oh, Ken.

165. I thought you weren't talking to us.

166. - Oh, that's all patched up.

167. As a matter of fact, I left Jim at the

168. office a few hours ago.

169. We signed the armistice.

170. - Oh, well, that's a relief.

171. - Joanna, I wouldn't mention it to him.

172. I'm sure he'd like to surprise you himself?

173. Oh, why don't you join us for dinner

174. and we'll celebrate?

175. - I'd really love to, but I'm, I'm spending the weekend down

176. here in San Diego at the cabin.

177. As a matter of fact, that's where I'm calling from.

178. - All right.

179. Then we'll do another time.

180. Absolutely.

181. Uh, Joanna, I thought maybe if you for some reason needed to

182. get in touch with me, you do know the number at the cabin?

183. - Right.

184. Well, I'll see you in a few days.

185. Fine.

186. Goodbye.

187. - Did you ever get a feeling of Deja vu?

188. - What?

189. - Like you've done something before, but

190. you know you haven't?

191. - Why?

192. What do you mean?

193. - I'm getting it right now.

194. It's strange.

195. You know I've never been here before?

196. - Maybe in a previous incarnation, huh?

197. - Ken, it's fantastic.

198. - The house that Mrs. Melville built.

199. Wait 'til you see the inside.

200. It's no wonder.

201. - Heh, no wonder what?

202. - What woman could resist this setting?

203. - Not very many, I promise you that.

204. How about a drink, Jim?

205. - More alcohol?

206. No thanks.

207. You'll corrupt me.

208. - Oh-ho.

209. You're thinking about Joanna, aren't you?

210. - Yeah.

211. You know I—

212. Just taking off like that, uh.

213. She still expects me for dinner.

214. - Oh, we can fix that.

215. We'll put plan A into effect.

216. Pick up the phone and call her.

217. - What am I gonna tell her?

218. - The man is too square for words.

219. Now look, you simply say that you're working at the office.

220. You're calling from the office.

221. She knows you have a deadline to meet at the book.

222. You're working late?

223. Now how many times have you had to do that?

224. - A couple hundred I guess.

225. - Exactly.

226. That's why she'll believe you.

227. - Yeah, well I—

228. I just hate lying to her, you know.

229. - You're not lying to her.

230. You're saving her a little anguish.

231. Now will you could pick up the phone and call her so we can

232. start enjoying ourselves?

233. - OK.

234. Hello, operator, I'd like to make a collect—

235. - Hold it.

236. Ha, it's a cinch you have never

237. cheated on Joanna before.

238. If you want your wife to believe you're calling from

239. the office, you don't have the operator place the call.

240. You dial it direct.

241. The area code is 213.

242. Hi, honey.

243. How are you?

244. Well, that's what I'm calling about.

245. Uhm, I'm at the office.

246. And I'm pretty well into this last chapter.

247. I'd like to work straight through.

248. Yeah, I know.

249. I—

250. I know.

251. This'll be the last time, that I can—

252. - Jimmy?

253. Jimmy?

254. Operator, get me the police.

255. - Hello?

256. Joanna?

257. What?

258. Joanna—

259. Will you take it easy?

260. Now say it again once more.

261. Are you sure?

262. Did you call the police?

263. Yes, yes of course.

264. I'll—

265. I'll leave right away.

266. Uh, Joanna please, take it easy.

267. And don't worry.

268. I'm sure it's nothing but a practical joke.

269. Goodbye.

270. - So I know it's insane.

271. And I—

272. I—

273. I just—

274. I—

275. I keep thinking of the cliches and— and—

276. Jim and Ken wrote this scene in their, in their books a

277. hundred times.

278. - Look at it this way, Mrs. Ferris, maybe he isn't dead.

279. Now there's no body—

280. —No blood.

281. - No, he was shot.

282. I—

283. I know it I—

284. I—

285. I heard—

286. - I heard it on the phone. - Are you sure it was a gunshot?

287. - This place was searched, Mrs. Ferris. - What do you mean—

288. - Papers on the floor. - Of course, it was—

289. Do you have any idea why?

290. No, I have no idea why.

291. Maybe someone—

292. Did you notice

293. anything special missing?

294. money sometimes—

295. No, I didn't— no, no.

296. Are you sure it was his voice?

297. Yes, I know it was his voice.

298. And maybe somebody—

299. Was he under any kind of extra—

300. Maybe—

301. pressure or anything—

302. No.

303. Maybe somebody was Robb—

304. - Did he say where he called from?

305. - Yes.

306. He said— he said he was calling from the office.

307. He said— he said, I'm—

308. I'm calling from the office.

309. I really don't care if anything was missing.

310. I just really want to find out what happened to my husband.

311. - Are you sure it was his voice?

312. I know it was his voice.

313. - Are you sure it was a gunshot?

314. Yes, that's right.

315. - Would you like to sit down and get a glass of water or

316. something?

317. - Yes.

318. I would like—

319. Really please.

320. Cause I really feel stupid, and I just really want to

321. clear my head.

322. - Get the water.

323. - OK.

324. I think that's out of order, ma'am.

325. Uh, you see that's the trouble with these buildings.

326. The fountains never work.

327. Then you have to use the coffee machine.

328. And then you lose your dime and the coffee's lousy.

329. - Who are you?

330. - Uh, I'm just another cop.

331. My name is Columbo.

332. I'm a lieutenant.

333. - Were you—

334. Were you in there with—

335. - Got the proof right here.

336. You didn't see me in there because I left

337. before you got in there.

338. And you know why?

339. Because it's so smoky in there and so noisy in there that I

340. just had to come outside and get a breath.

341. - Oh, I think I'd better get back.

342. - Now look.

343. Wait a minute.

344. Let me tell you something.

345. You look very tired to me, and I think you had a terrible

346. experience in there.

347. And I think I ought to drive you home.

348. Let's call it a night.

349. - Don't you think they want to ask me questions?

350. - Oh, I don't think they'll mind.

351. I think you've answered enough questions.

352. And I'll call them, and I'll tell them you're with me.

353. OK?

354. - Well, what about Ken?

355. Why isn't Ken here?

356. I don't know why he isn't here.

357. - Is that Mr. Franklin, the other half

358. of the writing team?

359. Yeah, the other half of the team.

360. - You know, that's what I like about these buttons.

361. You don't have to push them.

362. They go off with the heat of your hand.

363. I bet you haven't had anything to eat.

364. - You're a very nice man, Lieutenant, but

365. I'm not really hungry.

366. - I'll tell you, Mrs. Ferris, I'm the

367. worst cook in the world.

368. But there's one thing I do terrific,

369. and that's an omelette.

370. Even my wife admits it.

371. Uh, I need something for the eggshells.

372. - Over there in that cabinet.

373. - Great.

374. - I'm really not hungry.

375. - Listen.

376. Just take a taste.

377. If you don't like it, you throw it away.

378. I'll tell you what the secret is to a good omelette, no

379. eggs, just milk.

380. - Uh, skillet.

381. - Over there.

382. You're a very persuasive man, Lieutenant.

383. Maybe I should hold up my end and make the coffee.

384. - The cheese and the onions and, uh, butter.

385. Cheese.

386. Uh, I need something to, uh, grate the cheese.

387. - Over there in the cupboard.

388. - Right.

389. - What did they do with him, Lieutenant?

390. - I don't know, ma'am.

391. - Well, there was no body in the office.

392. Couldn't that mean that he isn't dead?

393. - Now that's hard to say.

394. Uh, it's bothering me, too.

395. I tell you the whole thing doesn't make sense unless it's

396. a kidnapping.

397. - Well, you don't shoot a victim first, do you?

398. - Why did you laugh before?

399. - When?

400. - When I asked you if Mr. Franklin was the other half of

401. the writing team?

402. - Oh, did I laugh?

403. - Yep.

404. - Maybe it was the way you put it, writing team.

405. Maybe I shouldn't say it, but Ken hasn't written a word of a

406. Mrs. Melville novel in years.

407. - Mrs. Melville.

408. Who's Mrs. Melville?

409. - The character that Jim and Ken created, the one who

410. solves all the crimes brilliantly.

411. - Well— well, why did your husband put up with it?

412. What I mean is, uh, him doing all the work?

413. - Well, there were compensations.

414. Ken did the publicity.

415. He went on all of the talk shows and he did interviews

416. and cultivated the film people.

417. Um, he contributed, just didn't do any of the writing.

418. - Boy, I tell you, I'd love to be a writer.

419. That's a terrific talent.

420. Where'd he get all the ideas?

421. - Um, from almost anything.

422. People, magazines, conversations.

423. I'm constantly finding scraps of paper and old matchbook

424. covers, just all over the house, with notes and ideas.

425. - And those were mysteries too, weren't they, huh?

426. - Mm-hmm.

427. - They're tricky, I'll tell you that.

428. I could—

429. I could never figure those things out.

430. - Well, it got harder.

431. Maybe that's why he decided to go out on his own.

432. - Oh, really?

433. I didn't know that.

434. - Uh-uh.

435. I guess he wanted to do some serious work.

436. - No kidding.

437. How did Mr. Franklin take that?

438. - Not very well.

439. But he'll get over it.

440. - Gee, I'd hate to be in his shoes.

441. - Why?

442. - Well, you got a writing team, and they're very famous.

443. Now they break up, and what happens?

444. One fellow continues writing books, and the other fellow

445. just stops.

446. - That's what I keep telling Jim, that sooner or later

447. people are bound to find out.

448. - What?

449. That your husband did all the writing?

450. - Yeah.

451. Kind of tough on Mr. Franklin's ego.

452. - Oh, Ken.

453. - Jo.

454. I know, I know.

455. Just take it easy.

456. I drove up here as fast as I could.

457. Is there anything new?

458. - No, not yet.

459. Jo, it's incredible.

460. I just saw him this morning at the office.

461. - Oh, I'm sorry, Ken.

462. Lt.

463. Columbo, Mr. Franklin.

464. - How you doing?

465. - Oh, the question is how are you doing, Lieutenant?

466. - Well, I'm afraid we just got started.

467. - Has Jim been found yet?

468. - Has he been found yet?

469. Uh, why?

470. Did somebody tell you he was gone?

471. - Lieutenant, I just spent several hours driving up here

472. from San Diego.

473. You must know that this story is on every news station.

474. - Oh, right, yeah.

475. Gee, I should have thought of that.

476. - Well, has he been found?

477. - Gee, I'm afraid not, uh.

478. No.

479. What, were you visiting friends in San Diego?

480. - He has a place there, a cabin.

481. - Oh, away for the weekend.

482. Gee, that's nice.

483. - Mmm.

484. Can we get back to my question?

485. Have you come up with any leads, any clues?

486. - Uh, it's a little early for that.

487. - Early?

488. Seems to me your men are standing around

489. just marking time.

490. Could I have a drink, love?

491. - I could use one myself.

492. - Thanks.

493. I'll tell you something, Lieutenant.

494. See if Mrs. Melville were on this case, oh, she'd be leaps

495. and bounds ahead of you by now.

496. - Is that the lady in the books?

497. - That's right.

498. You see, she would have figured it out that this is

499. not just someone missing.

500. This is a professional killing.

501. - Ah-ha.

502. Here it is.

503. Take a look at that.

504. - Put it on the desk.

505. Just drop it.

506. 'Cause of the fingerprints, you know.

507. - Why Jim's fingerprints are all over that.

508. So are mine.

509. - What is it?

510. - What's it look like?

511. It's a list of names.

512. Look at that.

513. Musto, Delgado, Hathaway, Westlake.

514. Sound familiar?

515. - Uh, yeah, kind of.

516. - Well, they should.

517. That's a list of some of the top men in organized crime on

518. the West Coast.

519. LA, Vegas, Frisco.

520. - I don't understand.

521. - Well, it's painfully obvious.

522. One of these men had Jim killed.

523. - Really?

524. Why?

525. - Tell me something, how long have you been a lieutenant,

526. Lieutenant?

527. Mrs. Melville would have put that together like that.

528. - Well, look I—

529. I'm willing to take all the help I can get.

530. - All right.

531. Let me see if I can explain it to you.

532. See, my partner and I decided to split, go

533. our separate ways.

534. I'm sure Joanna must have mentioned that to you.

535. - Yeah.

536. She said something about that.

537. - Did she also mention the fact that Jim wanted to do some

538. serious writing?

539. - Hey.

540. - Uh-huh.

541. Uh-huh.

542. - Wait a minute.

543. - Dawning on you now?

544. - Yeah.

545. - Knew you'd get it.

546. But that's only the tip of the iceberg.

547. You see, Jim was researching a complete and factual expose of

548. all West Coast organized crime.

549. I mean, he was going around asking some pretty

550. embarrassing questions, probing, compiling dossiers.

551. That's why they searched his office.

552. Apparently they got everything but that list.

553. - And you think one of these fellows put out

554. a contract on him?

555. - Of course.

556. Word most have gotten around that Jim was compiling all

557. this information.

558. They knew they couldn't buy him off.

559. So what do they do?

560. They choose the usual alternative.

561. - Professional killing, huh?

562. But if that's true, why did they get rid of the body?

563. - Well, who knows?

564. But remember one thing, without a corpus delicti, you

565. can't prove a murder was committed in the first place.

566. - But why would a professional killer care?

567. I mean, he's already on a plane back from where he came.

568. - Lieutenant, I can't answer all of your questions.

569. I've given you a list of the most likely

570. suspects, a clear motive.

571. Isn't that enough to start with?

572. - Oh, that's plenty.

573. And believe me, I'm very grateful for all the help

574. you've given me.

575. Gee, that's funny.

576. - What?

577. - Well, this thing is folded lengthwise like someone was

578. carrying it in their pocket.

579. - So?

580. - Well, if he typed that on that typewriter—

581. And I'll run a check on that—

582. Why would he fold it up before he put it in that drawer?

583. - Oh, I'm beginning to like you.

584. - Why is that?

585. - Because you're finally beginning to

586. think like Mrs. Melville.

587. Unfortunately, Jim used to fold up a piece of paper, and

588. he'd use it as a— a bookmark—

589. - Oh.

590. - You know.

591. - Oh.

592. - Now, however interesting your observation is, it only leads

593. us far astray.

594. However, since you are beginning to learn how to

595. emulate our dear lady, I'm gonna give you something that

596. you richly deserve, a chance to read some of our books.

597. - Oh.

598. Well, that's very nice of you.

599. - Ha, ha.

600. Didn't expect gifts tonight, huh?

601. - Thank you.

602. Maybe I can pick up a few pointers.

603. - Oh, I'm sure you can.

604. Uh, could you handle some more?

605. - Oh, all right.

606. - There you go.

607. Oh, and an extra.

608. - Hey.

609. Oh, that's very nice.

610. - That ought to keep you busy for a while, huh?

611. - Yeah.

612. Sure will.

613. - Well, anything else, Lieutenant?

614. - Ah, no, I don't think so.

615. I think I'd better let you get some sleep.

616. - Oh, that's very nice of you.

617. I just only hope I was of some help.

618. - Oh, you certainly were.

619. - Well, goodnight, Lieutenant.

620. - Goodnight, sir, goodnight.

621. Oh, Mr. Franklin.

622. Uh.

623. Actually, uh, there is one thing, not that it makes that

624. much difference.

625. What is it?

626. - When Mrs. Ferris called you and told you her husband got

627. shot, you jumped in a car and drove right back to LA, is

628. that right?

629. - That's right.

630. - You know, me, I'd have taken a plane.

631. I mean, it's a big airport, and they run every half hour.

632. It'd been a lot faster.

633. - Well, I—

634. That's true.

635. But in a situation like that, who thinks clearly?

636. And look at it this way, you add up all the time it takes

637. to drive to and from an airport, how much time do you

638. really save?

639. - Hm.

640. Hm.

641. - Operator, would you get me the police, please?

642. Thank you.

643. Lt.

644. Columbo, please.

645. Yes, thank you, I'll wait.

646. Columbo, this is Franklin.

647. I think you better get over here right away.

648. 937 Skyview Drive.

649. It's an emergency.

650. 203 and 253 unclear.

651. 3A1 off to City Hall.

652. 31 to the main jail.

653. 1A7 clear.

654. 1L10 repeat.

655. 12A15 clear.

656. 12A17A, you're clear.

657. 12A17, clear.

658. 12A15, standby.

659. 1L10, MPs have been notified.

660. And, uh, do you still request a radio unit?

661. All units in

662. the vicinity, a prowler.

663. 12F3.

664. 12F3, handle the call.

665. - When I got home, there he—

666. There it was right in the middle of the lawn.

667. 6A11.

668. 6A 11.

669. - Terrible thing to come home to.

670. 1750 Sycamore.

671. Code—

672. - The funny thing is I—

673. I kept hoping.

674. Or I—

675. I was sure that Jim was still alive.

676. 1L10, shore patrol to—

677. - Poor Joanna.

678. 1A 1, clear.

679. 4A4—

680. - Every time I think of feeling sorry for myself, I think of how much she had to lose.

681. 11A8, clear.

682. 12A15, roger.

683. - Look at them.

684. 12A 17, cancel your problem

685. call.

686. - Vultures.

687. 12A15 has handled.

688. - Lieutenant, do you mind if I go inside?

689. I can't stand to watch them gape.

690. - Listen, you mind if I come in with you?

691. Because there's no binding on this coat.

692. I'm a bit chilly.

693. - I don't mind.

694. 187.

695. - Hello.

696. Yes, this is Mr. Franklin.

697. What?

698. No comment.

699. Aw, you got to be kidding.

700. What, an interview now?

701. The gentlemen of the press.

702. 'fraid you're gonna

703. get a lot of that.

704. - I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I'm forgetting my manners.

705. Would you like a drink?

706. Yeah.

707. Maybe a drop of bourbon.

708. - Bourbon.

709. - Boy, this is quite a place.

710. This a copy?

711. Hardly, It's an original.

712. - Gee, I thought they only hung this stuff on museums.

713. You own this?

714. - Mrs. Melville has been very kind.

715. - Boy.

716. Quite a place.

717. Gee whiz.

718. And you got that other place in San Diego.

719. Gee, the upkeep alone must be, uh—

720. - I manage to scrape by.

721. Your drink.

722. - Thank you.

723. You know, there's one thing about writers that I don't

724. understand.

725. Maybe you can help me clear it up.

726. If a fellow's partner dies, uh, does he own the other

727. fellow's half of the books, half of the, uh, uh—

728. - Royalties?

729. - Yeah.

730. - No.

731. They go into the deceased's estate.

732. - Hm.

733. That leaves you in the cold, doesn't it.

734. Unless, of course, you insured each other.

735. - Lieutenant, aren't we going a bit far astray?

736. - You're right.

737. We shouldn't be talking about this now.

738. It's not the time.

739. Uh, uh, so Mr. Franklin, tell me, uh, why do you think that

740. they left your partner's body out there on

741. the lawn like that?

742. - Do you mean to tell me you haven't figured that out?

743. Lieutenant, you disappoint me.

744. It was left as a warning.

745. - A warning?

746. - Of course.

747. It also proves my theory about it being a

748. professional killing.

749. See, the moment they dropped Jim's body in the middle of

750. that lawn—

751. Please, sit down—

752. You know what they were saying?

753. That this could happen to you unless you stop in your

754. partner's research.

755. - They're trying to scare you.

756. - Exactly.

757. - Right.

758. So what are you gonna do?

759. You gonna continue writing the book anyway?

760. - No.

761. That's the irony of it.

762. You see, that was Jim's pet project, not mine.

763. I wouldn't even know where to begin.

764. - Say, I guess they didn't have any way of knowing you two

765. were gonna split up?

766. - Naw.

767. Even if they did, it wouldn't have done Jim any good.

768. I must say, Lieutenant, you're up against a dead end.

769. Look at this.

770. You got a body, you got a motive.

771. But you're never gonna find that killer.

772. - It's not gonna be easy.

773. - I'll lay you five to one, it was someone in

774. Las Vegas or Miami.

775. Picked up a phone and, pght—

776. - Right.

777. —Put out a contract.

778. - Right.

779. - How you're gonna make a case, much less solve one, is beyond

780. me.

781. - I know.

782. I guess the only thing I can do is just check out every

783. name on that list.

784. - Sure.

785. You know what's gonna happen?

786. Every one of those guys is gonna deny that Jim even

787. existed.

788. - Right.

789. - I must say, I don't envy you.

790. - I don't envy myself.

791. Now look, I've got a lot of phone calls to make.

792. I'd better get on it, huh?

793. - All the luck.

794. - Thanks.

795. Thanks a lot, Mr. Franklin.

796. And listen, I'm very sorry about what happened tonight.

797. - Thank you.

798. - Right.

799. - You, uh, you will keep me posted, Lieutenant?

800. - Oh yes, I will.

801. Yeah.

802. You know, there's only one thing that

803. I'm not clear about.

804. But that can wait.

805. You want to go to bed.

806. - Lieutenant, I'm not gonna get any sleep anyway.

807. What is it?

808. - Would you go over for me once again—

809. I know you did it— exactly what happened when you came

810. home tonight?

811. - Sure, I—

812. I've already told you, but—

813. The moment I saw Jim's body in the middle of the lawn, I came

814. running in here, and I picked up the phone and I called you.

815. I mean, it's a purely reflexive action.

816. - Uh-huh.

817. Right.

818. Uh-huh.

819. Yeah.

820. That's fine.

821. - Now wait a minute.

822. You look like you're troubled.

823. Is there some reason for your question?

824. - Uh, it's your mail.

825. - My mail?

826. - Isn't it funny how people are different?

827. Now me, if I found my partner dead, I'd never think of

828. opening my letters.

829. - But I—

830. I—

831. I just did it to distract myself.

832. I mean, you gotta remember one thing, that's a great shock.

833. - Yeah.

834. Oh, that's understandable.

835. And bills are distracting.

836. Listen, if anything comes up, I'll call you right away.

837. Good night.

838. - Good night.

839. - I'm gonna have a hot dog.

840. - Oh, I guess I will, too.

841. - No, no, Mr. Tucker, you put that away.

842. This one's on me.

843. May I have a receipt, please?

844. - All right, Lieutenant.

845. You're bribing me with a handsome lunch.

846. What can I do for you?

847. - Uh, this is about an insurance policy.

848. - Oh, excellent.

849. It's about time you came to me.

850. I can give you a package—

851. - Yeah.

852. —Within your—

853. - This is a—

854. An insurance policy that was already written.

855. - Oh, this is official business.

856. - Uh, yeah.

857. Uh, there are two mystery writers, Ken Franklin and

858. James Ferris.

859. Your company wrote a policy on them.

860. - Now wait a minute, Lieutenant.

861. We like to cooperate with the police, but if you want

862. confidential information, I'm afraid that you—

863. - Oh well, look, uh, I don't want to cause you any trouble.

864. Maybe it would be more helpful if I got a court order?

865. - I'll go—

866. - Gee, I'd love to go—

867. - We go, we go this way.

868. - Oh, well.

869. - Ah, Ken, it was simply marvelous.

870. I was terrified.

871. - Oh, really?

872. I had the whole thing figured out by the end

873. of the first act.

874. Oh, you did?

875. I was completely fooled.

876. You must have a devious mind.

877. - No, dear.

878. It's just you're young.

879. Always remember one thing, my love, a moment a man mentions

880. a long lost twin, you can inevitably know that it's

881. gonna be some impersonation.

882. It's an old plot trick.

883. - Mr. Franklin!

884. Yoo-hoo!

885. Over here!

886. - Who's that?

887. - Someone they should be somewhere else.

888. Excuse me a moment.

889. Ms. La Sanka, what a pleasant surprise.

890. What brings you to the big city?

891. - Oh, I came in to do a little shopping.

892. You— you like my dress?

893. - Oh, it— it's lovely.

894. - See a play.

895. She's a beauty, Mr. Franklin.

896. - Yes, she is.

897. Thank you.

898. - I haven't seen her before, have I?

899. - No, I don't believe you have.

900. Well, it's— it's lovely to see you.

901. - I, uh, hope you won't think I'm being forward, but is

902. there any chance of, uh, our having a drink together?

903. - Oh, I—

904. I'd love to, really, but—

905. See the young lady and I are gonna have late supper.

906. - I think you might want to cancel it.

907. - Just why would I want to do that?

908. - Because, we really should have a discussion.

909. - Perhaps, some other time.

910. - All right, I suppose I'll have to find someone else to

911. tell my story to.

912. It's a mystery story.

913. Very interesting, really.

914. It's all about this witness.

915. - Just wait here.

916. I'll be right back.

917. - Anything you say, Mr. Franklin.

918. - Ah, Tres Bien.

919. - Oh, well.

920. Oh, I just can't resist strawberries.

921. - Ah, I'm glad you liked them.

922. You're—

923. You're making me nervous.

924. That's quite a stare.

925. - Sorry.

926. I—

927. I can't help it.

928. Do you know, I've never seen you outside that store before?

929. You're very lovely.

930. May I call you Lilly?

931. - Yes.

932. Please do.

933. How did you enjoy the play tonight?

934. - No, I thought it was predictable.

935. You?

936. - Oh, I like your books much more.

937. - Oh, that's very flattering.

938. But you said something before about, uh, about your story.

939. It was something about a— a witness.

940. - Oh, yes, well.

941. Actually, it's a true to life story.

942. - Oh, the best kind.

943. - It concerns your partner.

944. - Jim?

945. Mm-hmm.

946. - What about him?

947. - Well, I read in the papers about his death, and I felt

948. just terrible.

949. - Thank you.

950. - I felt just terrible because they said he was

951. killed in his office.

952. - So they did.

953. - Well, in my story, you see, he couldn't have actually been

954. killed in an office because he was, uh, somewhere else.

955. - Just for the moment, let's forget about

956. your story, and let's—

957. let's talk about real life.

958. - It is simpler, isn't it?

959. - Much.

960. - I'll tell you honestly, Ken, I was very confused when I saw

961. the papers because when you were in my store making your

962. phone call the other day—

963. - Mm-hmm.

964. - I wandered over to the side window to see if you had

965. brought a lady with you.

966. - You didn't believe me when I said that I was alone?

967. - Oh, I believed you.

968. It's just that—

969. I'm very interested in you, Ken.

970. Well, anyway.

971. You can imagine my surprise when I saw your partner.

972. There he was, big as life, sitting there in the front

973. seat of your car.

974. - And that disturbed you, huh?

975. - Oh, not at that time.

976. Only later.

977. And then I debated with myself for days whether to come and

978. see you or not.

979. - Why didn't you go to the police?

980. - Oh, Ken.

981. I wouldn't want to get you into trouble.

982. - Of course not.

983. All right, Lilly, how much?

984. - I hope you don't think that that's the only—

985. - No, no, no.

986. I don't think anything.

987. I'll tell you something, I'm most grateful

988. you came to me first.

989. You know why?

990. Because I think we can reach an equitable agreement.

991. - I do so admire your candor.

992. It isn't easy for me, a widow running a small country store,

993. trying to make ends meet.

994. - No, I can understand that.

995. And I also recognize in you a woman of—

996. Of some breeding.

997. I mean, you're not just a common blackmailer.

998. - I'm so glad you're understanding.

999. - Very well, Lilly.

1000. How much for your silence?

1001. - $15,000.

1002. I— oh.

1003. I, I know it's a lot, but that's all I've

1004. ever ask for, honestly.

1005. And I'm a woman of my word.

1006. - I know you are, and I respect you for that.

1007. You know what?

1008. In that spirit, I accept your terms.

1009. Agreed?

1010. - Agreed.

1011. And I know you won't take offense when I say it's a

1012. pleasure doing business with you.

1013. - No, no, my pleasure.

1014. - Yes.

1015. - Is Mr. Franklin home?

1016. - He's occupied at the moment.

1017. Who shall I say is calling?

1018. - Uh, Lt.

1019. Columbo.

1020. - Oh.

1021. Well, won't you come in and wait?

1022. - Thank you.

1023. - He'll be with you shortly.

1024. Only a few more.

1025. Thanks muchly, Mr. Franklin.

1026. I think we're about finished, if you can bear one or two

1027. more photographs?

1028. - Fire away.

1029. After all, your magazine was very kind to Franklin and

1030. Ferris during our lean years.

1031. That's, uh, the second reason I granted the interview.

1032. - Oh?

1033. What was the first?

1034. - Why the charm of the interviewer, of course.

1035. - Thank you.

1036. - Yes, Lieutenant, is there something I can do for you?

1037. - Oh, yeah, if— if you—

1038. If you have a moment?

1039. - That's about all I do have.

1040. As soon as I finish here, I'll be right with you.

1041. Is there anything else, Ms.-- uh, may I call you Gloria?

1042. - Please do.

1043. Uh, just one last question.

1044. I think our readers will want to know how the death of your

1045. partner will affect the Mrs. Melville books.

1046. - I'm afraid when I buried Jim, I buried Mrs.

1047. Melville with him.

1048. - Mmm.

1049. I understand.

1050. But everyone will miss her so.

1051. Can't you write another one?

1052. - Oh, I could, naturally, but what's the point?

1053. With Jim gone, there wouldn't be much reason.

1054. No, I'm afraid Mrs. Melville has solved her last case.

1055. Actually, I've been seriously debating as to whether I ever

1056. want to write again.

1057. - Oh.

1058. Well, I hope you do.

1059. - Thank you.

1060. That's very kind of you.

1061. Now, if you don't mind.

1062. - Of course.

1063. Let's go, Harvey.

1064. - Perhaps under better circumstances, I, uh—

1065. less harassed circumstances, I could give you a more detailed

1066. interview, even in more depth.

1067. - Mmm.

1068. That'll be nice.

1069. Shall I call you?

1070. - Yes, please do.

1071. Next week, huh?

1072. Goodbye.

1073. Oh, sorry, Harvey.

1074. - Thank you.

1075. - Thanks very much.

1076. All right, Lieutenant, what can I do for you?

1077. - Well, I brought back your books.

1078. Well, that's fine.

1079. Just put them over there on the table.

1080. - Yeah, uh, sure.

1081. I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed them.

1082. I think they're the most terrific.

1083. Boy, I want to— and, oh, listen, I'll come back.

1084. I'll make two trips on this.

1085. But the— the lady detective, what a character.

1086. What a brain.

1087. And what logic, the way she figures it out.

1088. - Lieutenant, I'd love to sit down and discuss literature

1089. with you, but I was on my way out.

1090. - Oh.

1091. Oh, I'm sorry.

1092. I didn't mean to bother you.

1093. You going some place special?

1094. - Yes, as a matter of fact.

1095. I'm on my way down to my cabin for a rest.

1096. Would you like an itinerary?

1097. - Hey, I'm sorry.

1098. I'm making a pest of myself.

1099. - No.

1100. - Yes, yes, I am.

1101. I know.

1102. It's because I keep asking these questions, but I'll tell

1103. you, I can't help myself.

1104. It's a habit.

1105. I take it you're not going alone?

1106. - Whatever gave you that idea?

1107. - I noticed the two bottles of champagne.

1108. - Oh, those.

1109. Oh, I'm quite capable of drinking those two bottles and

1110. a good deal more without any help.

1111. Now, if you'll excuse me, Lieutenant.

1112. - Yeah.

1113. Ah, listen, unless you just want to take a second to know

1114. how we're progressing on your partner's list?

1115. - Oh?

1116. Anything concrete?

1117. - No.

1118. Not a thing.

1119. Just like you predicted.

1120. Everyone said they never even heard of James Ferris.

1121. - That's just as I expected.

1122. Well, it was lovely to chat with you, Lieutenant.

1123. - Oh, Mr. Franklin?

1124. - Yeah.

1125. - Do you have a minute?

1126. - Is it important?

1127. - Well, it could be.

1128. You see I was checking the, ah—

1129. The phone company records in San Diego.

1130. - Now why would you want to do that, Lieutenant?

1131. - Oh, well, I have to do that.

1132. You know, that's part of my job.

1133. I gotta tie up all those loose ends.

1134. Anyway, on the day of the murder, there was a record of

1135. a call from the cabin.

1136. It was a call to the Ferris house in Los Angeles.

1137. - I see.

1138. And now you're wondering whether I can explain that, is

1139. that right?

1140. - Oh, I'm sure you can.

1141. - Oh, you're right, I can.

1142. But you see, it would have saved both you and me a great

1143. deal of trouble if you'd check with Joanna Ferris first.

1144. She would have explained to you that I'd spoken with her

1145. from my cabin telling her that Jim and I had patched up our

1146. differences.

1147. - Oh, what do you mean by differences?

1148. - Well, you see ironing out any difficulties in a separation

1149. is never easy.

1150. And I knew Joanna would be concerned.

1151. And I wanted to put her mind at ease.

1152. - I see.

1153. - Can you understand that?

1154. - Oh, yes.

1155. Yeah, that's understandable.

1156. Oh yeah.

1157. - Oh.

1158. - Yeah.

1159. - Fine.

1160. Is that all?

1161. - Yes.

1162. That's all.

1163. Right.

1164. - Good.

1165. Uh, listen.

1166. Uh, enjoy your trip.

1167. - Thanks very much.

1168. - And drive carefully.

1169. - Don't worry, Lieutenant.

1170. You can count on it.

1171. - And here you are.

1172. - Bearing gifts.

1173. And more gifts.

1174. - Why, Mr. Franklin, how lovely.

1175. - Ken.

1176. - Yes, of course, Ken.

1177. - Now, Lilly, let me ask you a simple question.

1178. You up to making a nice quiet dinner for two tonight?

1179. Here's to prosperity.

1180. - And romance.

1181. - The daily double.

1182. I must say, Lilly, that was a magnificent meal.

1183. Where'd you learn to cook so well?

1184. - My late husband, may he rest in peace, was a

1185. professional chef.

1186. Wonderful man.

1187. He taught me all I know.

1188. - Well, he taught you well.

1189. - Thank you, sir.

1190. Refill.

1191. - Oh, sorry.

1192. Oop.

1193. We're all out.

1194. Let's open another one.

1195. - Dare we?

1196. - Dare we not?

1197. Hmm-hmm.

1198. Here we go.

1199. Happy New Year.

1200. Quick, the glass.

1201. Oh.

1202. Delicious.

1203. But I'm afraid I'm getting a little tipsy.

1204. - What's wrong with that?

1205. - I don't know if I can trust you.

1206. - Now, is there any reason not to?

1207. Lilly, if I make you uncomfortable, I can always

1208. leave.

1209. - No, please.

1210. I do enjoy your company.

1211. - You know what we should do?

1212. - What?

1213. - It's such a beautiful night.

1214. We should row out to the center of the lake

1215. and go for a swim.

1216. - Hm.

1217. Sounds nice.

1218. - Hm.

1219. It is nice.

1220. Shall we?

1221. - Better not.

1222. - Why not?

1223. - I trust you, Ken, really.

1224. But we all have our dark sides, don't we?

1225. It just wouldn't be very intelligent of me to be alone

1226. with you in a small boat.

1227. After all, you might start having second

1228. thoughts about the money.

1229. - I wish you hadn't said that, Lilly.

1230. That kind of talk hurts me deeply.

1231. I'm going to tell you something, and I shouldn't.

1232. But I'll tell you why.

1233. Because I trust you.

1234. I was prepared to give you considerably more

1235. than you asked for.

1236. $15,000.

1237. I mean, I've lost that much gambling in one night.

1238. - Well, it certainly is a great deal of money to me.

1239. - What do you think you'll, uh, you'll do with all of it?

1240. - I don't know.

1241. Put it in the bank, I guess.

1242. But not right away.

1243. Ooh, I just want to look at it for a while.

1244. - Better be careful.

1245. Someone might, uh, rob you.

1246. - I'll just keep it for a day or two.

1247. I've never seen so much money in my life.

1248. - Uh, maybe—

1249. Maybe you could take a—

1250. A trip somewhere, huh?

1251. - I may.

1252. I've always wanted to go on a cruise.

1253. - Oh, cruises, is so romantic.

1254. - Did I tell you that my late husband was in

1255. the merchant marines?

1256. - Is that a fact?

1257. - They're the ones who taught him how to cook.

1258. I almost wish he were here now.

1259. He could share this with me.

1260. - Well, maybe we can do the next best thing.

1261. - Who did you say it is?

1262. - One of the cops said it was a local woman.

1263. Some kind of drowning.

1264. 12A15 clear.

1265. 12A17A, you're clear.

1266. 12A17, clear.

1267. 12A 15, stand by.

1268. 12A 15, stand by.

1269. 1L10, MPs have been notified.

1270. - Morning.

1271. - Well, Lt.

1272. Columbo.

1273. I must say you turn up at the oddest times, don't you?

1274. - Listen, I'm—

1275. Hope you don't mind my coming in that way, you know, but the

1276. door was open and I just let myself in.

1277. - No, no.

1278. How'd you get here?

1279. By magic carpet?

1280. I didn't see your car outside.

1281. - Oh, no.

1282. I pulled around back, and I put it in the shade.

1283. You know, the sun raises hell with the paint.

1284. - Oh, sensible.

1285. Well, what brings you up here to the wilds?

1286. - Well, I'll tell you.

1287. I heard you and Mrs. Ferris talk so much about this place,

1288. and you made it sound so terrific.

1289. And believe me, uh, you weren't exaggerating, because

1290. this is magnificent.

1291. And, uh, since I got a two week vacation coming up, I

1292. said to myself, go on down there and check out the area.

1293. Look to see, maybe you can rent a cabin.

1294. - Lieutenant, you're not gonna tell me you drove down here

1295. just to look for a vacation spot, are you?

1296. - Why else would I come?

1297. - You're wasting your time.

1298. I have a feeling the cabins in this neck of the woods are

1299. pretty much out of your price range anyway.

1300. Most of them are—

1301. Are rented for the season.

1302. - Oh, gee whiz.

1303. That's—

1304. That's too bad.

1305. Gosh, my wife is gonna be disappointed.

1306. Well, it was a nice ride anyhow.

1307. - Yes, a lovely drive.

1308. - Except for that bottleneck down the road.

1309. What was that all about?

1310. - Oh, there was a drowning.

1311. - Well, what was it?

1312. A fisherman?

1313. - Well, I heard someone say it was a local woman.

1314. - Uh, a Ms. La Sanka or something like that?

1315. - La Sanka, something like that, yeah.

1316. - Yeah.

1317. Did you know her?

1318. - Not really, no.

1319. - I was just wondering because when I was in the kitchen

1320. before, I noticed a grocery box with her name on it.

1321. - Oh, I occasionally buy supplies there, sure, like

1322. anyone else who lives around here.

1323. - Hm.

1324. I think she was the one that drowned.

1325. Yeah.

1326. 'Cause I, uh, stopped by the grocery store on the way here

1327. to pick up some cigars, and I noticed it was closed and the

1328. cops cars around.

1329. - Well, if it was her, I—

1330. I'd be very sorry.

1331. She was always very friendly.

1332. - Yeah.

1333. That's a shame.

1334. Oh, you did know her?

1335. - Lieutenant, I know a lot of people without

1336. really knowing them.

1337. You know, like barbers, waitresses, parking lot

1338. attendants, even the cop on the beat.

1339. Don't you?

1340. - Yeah.

1341. Yeah, I do as a matter of fact.

1342. I'll tell you, though, people are strange.

1343. You know, I can't figure them out.

1344. Why a woman goes out on a lake all by herself before the

1345. light comes up?

1346. - Oh, there's nothing unusual about that.

1347. A lot of us go out early.

1348. It's peaceful and kind of makes you feel like you're

1349. plugged into nature.

1350. - Hm.

1351. - Know what I mean?

1352. - Yeah, yeah.

1353. Well, say, listen, look, you came down here to get away

1354. from things, and I'm just taking up your time.

1355. I didn't mean to bother you.

1356. No, no, no.

1357. It's no bother at all.

1358. Say, I'd—

1359. I'd be more than glad to let you have a bathing suit, but,

1360. uh, you don't look like the athletic type to me.

1361. - Well, it's, uh, my wife that's the athlete.

1362. - Oh?

1363. - Yeah.

1364. So you don't think I'm going to be able to find a cabin to

1365. rent, huh?

1366. - Hm.

1367. Best bet is to go down and check with some of the local

1368. real estate people.

1369. - Uh-uh.

1370. Because I'd think it'd be fun to be neighbors

1371. for a couple of weeks.

1372. - Yeah.

1373. - Say, what kind of nightlife do you have around here?

1374. - Nightlife?

1375. None.

1376. - No partying?

1377. - Just sleep and crickets.

1378. - Gee, I was just wondering because, you know, I didn't

1379. want to barge in on you today unannounced.

1380. - I don't follow you.

1381. - No, last night I called to tell you that I was coming,

1382. but there was no one at home.

1383. 181, clear.

1384. - Are you a reporter?

1385. - Uh, no, uh.

1386. Uh, Lieutenant, uh, Columbo.

1387. Police.

1388. LA unit.

1389. - LAPD?

1390. - Yeah.

1391. - What brings you down here, Lieutenant?

1392. - Well, I'm working on a case.

1393. Listen, this is not really my jurisdiction, but you mind if

1394. I browse around?

1395. - Well, help yourself, Lieutenant.

1396. Always glad to cooperate.

1397. Didn't she have a bruise on her head?

1398. How did you know that, Ben?

1399. Oh, come on, Sergeant.

1400. Doc Webster told us.

1401. All right.

1402. So there was a bruise.

1403. Probably a result of the boat capsizing and rendering her

1404. unconscious.

1405. - Any indication the lady was under the influence?

1406. - I can't ascertain that until we see an autopsy report.

1407. The doctor's working on that right now.

1408. Sounds like drinking to me.

1409. Could she swim?

1410. How in the world would I know

1411. a thing like that?

1412. I wasn't married to the lady.

1413. Any living relatives?

1414. I don't think so.

1415. Somebody said she was a widow.

1416. What about the rowboat?

1417. Rowboat?

1418. What about it?

1419. Well, who'd it belong to?

1420. Where did it come from?

1421. Belonged to the deceased.

1422. I've got witnesses that have seen her take

1423. it out on the lake.

1424. Think she wanted some fresh

1425. air last night?

1426. This is all conjecture, gentlemen.

1427. I mean, there's no way of telling.

1428. Maybe she did.

1429. Who knows?

1430. It's also possible that she had a heart

1431. seizure, or she got dizzy.

1432. Then you think it was an accident?

1433. I certainly don't

1434. think it was foul play.

1435. You're gonna be in your office

1436. this afternoon?

1437. Absolutely.

1438. How long was she

1439. in the water, Sergeant?

1440. Oh, I don't know.

1441. Wait 'til we get the report.

1442. We're starting to cover the same old

1443. ground here, gentlemen.

1444. Now why don't you meet me in my office an hour from now—

1445. But we got some more questions here we'd like to—

1446. I'll answer them all then.

1447. I'll have the reports, and I'll be able to give you a lot

1448. more information.

1449. OK, Sarge, thank you.

1450. "To my Lilly.

1451. Love always, Ken."

1452. I still don't know what this means.

1453. - It means that he knew her.

1454. It means that he knew her not casually the way he said.

1455. It means that he knew her reasonably well.

1456. - All right.

1457. You've got a romantic inscription in a book and a

1458. champagne cork.

1459. Now what does that prove?

1460. - By itself, it doesn't prove anything.

1461. But once you assume that Franklin committed these

1462. crimes, everything fits together.

1463. - I just can't believe it.

1464. I've known Ken too long.

1465. He's not a murderer.

1466. - Mrs. Ferris, it wouldn't make any difference if you knew him

1467. for 100 years.

1468. That wouldn't change anything.

1469. This man Franklin took your husband's life.

1470. Do you have a match?

1471. - Help yourself.

1472. I don't smoke.

1473. It doesn't make sense, Lieutenant.

1474. Ken has an alibi.

1475. What's his motive?

1476. - I told you how he could have worked the phone, how his

1477. motive is the insurance money.

1478. He needed cash.

1479. He spent money like a drunken sailor.

1480. He had two houses.

1481. He's got paintings.

1482. He's got women.

1483. He's got—

1484. - What?

1485. - "Jack and Jill went up the hill.

1486. Did Jack kill Jill?

1487. If so,

1488. find out why." -Jim.

1489. One of his story ideas.

1490. - Oh.

1491. - Lieutenant, if Ken killed my husband, then why did he

1492. murder Ms. La Sanka?

1493. - Well, it's my hunch that she knew something.

1494. Maybe she saw them together.

1495. She tried to blackmail him.

1496. - But that's pure guesswork, isn't it?

1497. - No, ma'am, it's not, not quite.

1498. I checked the bank.

1499. Yesterday, he took out $15,000.

1500. Today, he put it back in again.

1501. Now why in the world would he do that?

1502. - All right.

1503. I'm still not convinced, but let's say I'll go along.

1504. What happens now?

1505. - I don't know.

1506. But I've got a pretty strong circumstantial case.

1507. It's just not enough.

1508. If I had one piece of hard evidence, I

1509. could nail this fellow.

1510. - But you don't.

1511. - That's right, ma'am, I don't.

1512. That's why I'm here.

1513. Maybe you can give it to me.

1514. - Me?

1515. - You knew both of these fellows very well.

1516. I want you to tell me about them.

1517. Anything.

1518. Just talk.

1519. Whatever comes into your mind.

1520. - Kind of like analysis without the couch.

1521. Would you like a little coffee, first?

1522. - That'd be fine.

1523. - OK.

1524. I don't know what you're looking for, but here goes.

1525. They met in a typewriter shop of all places.

1526. Jim had broken a key, and Ken needed a ribbon.

1527. Does that help?

1528. - Keep going.

1529. Well, I told you a lot about Jim.

1530. He was brilliant, really.

1531. He'd wake up in the middle of the night with ideas, always

1532. throwing off sparks.

1533. I remember he even did it on our honeymoon.

1534. Funny thing is that Ken didn't even talk about the books

1535. unless he was on television.

1536. - This the truck's gonna move my stuff out of suite 803?

1537. Yeah.

1538. - You almost finished?

1539. Haven't started.

1540. - What do you mean you haven't started?

1541. - I'm only the driver, Mister.

1542. Ask the other two guys.

1543. They've been in there a half an hour already.

1544. - Half hour?

1545. Columbo!

1546. - Oh.

1547. Hi, Mr. Franklin.

1548. Just finishing up this last Melville mystery.

1549. I didn't get a chance the other day.

1550. - All right.

1551. Now what are you doing here?

1552. - Why, I'm waiting for you.

1553. I happened to be in the neighborhood—

1554. - Well, you're always in the neighborhood.

1555. And you tell me what right you've got to keep those

1556. movers out of this office?

1557. - Oh, listen, I'm sorry about that.

1558. It's just— you know what I thought?

1559. I thought you and I should talk alone.

1560. - You and I have nothing to talk about.

1561. - Yes, we do, Mr. Franklin.

1562. We have something to talk about.

1563. I'm here to arrest you for the murder of your partner.

1564. - What?

1565. - Now it's my duty to inform you of your constitutional

1566. rights—

1567. - Oh, will you cut that drivel.

1568. I've written that stuff so many times,

1569. I know it by heart.

1570. What is this nonsense?

1571. You're going to arrest me?

1572. - Come on, Mr. Franklin.

1573. Why don't you make a statement and save us

1574. both a lot of trouble?

1575. You know, I've really got you.

1576. - All right, Lieutenant.

1577. You got me.

1578. I'm your prisoner.

1579. Here, clamp the irons on me.

1580. But you want to give me a dime first so I can phone my

1581. attorney because I promise you, I'm gonna sue you and

1582. your department for false arrest and defamation of

1583. character.

1584. - I kind of knew it right from the start.

1585. There was nothing definite.

1586. It was a lot of little things.

1587. Little things.

1588. Driving back from San Diego on the day of the murder instead

1589. of taking a plane, the open mail, never showing any

1590. genuine emotion for a man that you worked with for 10 years.

1591. With that, you know what they're gonna do?

1592. They're gonna laugh you right out of court.

1593. - But they're not gonna laugh at the

1594. insurance policy, are they?

1595. I've got a photostatic copy of it here in my pocket.

1596. They gonna laugh at the fact that you withdraw $15,000, put

1597. it back the next day?

1598. I've got the book that you gave to Ms. La Sanka with your

1599. signature in it.

1600. - You expect to get a true bill of indictment on that trivia?

1601. Come on, Lieutenant.

1602. I was down in San Diego.

1603. - So was your partner.

1604. - That's a provocative statement.

1605. Can you prove that?

1606. - Yes.

1607. Not with the witness, 'cause you killed the witness.

1608. But I got another way to prove it.

1609. - Well, you enlighten me.

1610. I must say I enjoy watching a man raise without any cards in

1611. his hand.

1612. - You know what, Ken, I'm gonna tell you the truth.

1613. For a while there, I never thought I was gonna get you.

1614. Believe me, you had me going in such circles.

1615. I couldn't figure it out.

1616. Suddenly, I thought of something.

1617. How clever that first murder was.

1618. The phone gimmick, working late in the office, brilliant.

1619. - Are you awarding gold medals today?

1620. - Yes.

1621. For the first one, not for the second one.

1622. That was sloppy.

1623. Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.

1624. - Oh, come on.

1625. Get to the climax, Lieutenant.

1626. You're talking to a writer.

1627. - Am I?

1628. That's not what I heard.

1629. And that's the key, that you're not a writer.

1630. When Mrs. Ferris told me that you didn't contribute to the

1631. writing, that her husband did all the work—

1632. - That's a lie.

1633. - I had to say to myself, how could a man with no talent for

1634. mysteries make up such a clever murder?

1635. If you were that ingenious, you'd be able to

1636. write your own books.

1637. - Go ahead.

1638. I'm fascinated, as boring as it may be.

1639. - Then I got it.

1640. The first one, the clever one, that wasn't yours.

1641. The second one, the sloppy one, that was

1642. yours, but not the first.

1643. - Oh?

1644. And whose idea was that, then?

1645. - Your partner's.

1646. Had to be.

1647. And his wife told me how conscientious he was.

1648. You know, the way he used to write down his ideas on every

1649. odd scrap of paper, backs of matches, whatever was—

1650. - Ah!

1651. Ah!

1652. So that's why you wouldn't let the movers in?

1653. - Well, I had to rummage around here before they emptied

1654. everything out.

1655. Is this your partner's handwriting?

1656. Well, I think I can prove it is.

1657. Maybe I ought to read this to you.

1658. "Idea for a Melville book, perfect alibi.

1659. A wants to kill B, drives B to a remote house and has him

1660. call his wife in city, tells her he's working late at the

1661. office, bang, bang." Sound familiar?

1662. That's the part you used, practically word for word.

1663. Should I read some more?

1664. - No.

1665. - Officer.

1666. With this I think I got a conviction, don't you?

1667. - You gotta admit, I had you going for a while though,

1668. didn't I?

1669. - Yes, you did.

1670. - You want to know the irony of all of this?

1671. That is my idea.

1672. The only really good one I ever had.

1673. I must have told it to Jim over five years ago.

1674. Hmph.

1675. Whoever thought that idiot would write it down?