Close Enough 3x13

Directed by J.G. Quintel • Calvin Wong

Fairuza Balk as Roxy (voice) • Armin Shimerman as Phil (voice) • Roger Craig Smith as Joe Miller (voice) • Scott Whyte as Scott Miller (voice) • Matthew Mercer as Influencer / Pedestrian (voice)

When a thunderstorm makes trick-or-treating impossible, the gang tells Candice a trio of scary stories to save her Halloween.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Dearly beloved, who's ready for some trick or treatin'?

2. I am!

3. Ohhhhh!

4. Wait, where's Randy?

5. I'm here.

6. Alex, what are you supposed to be?

7. I don't do Halloween

8. because I hate how we've commercialized Samhain.

9. What's that?

10. Oh, it's the ancient

11. and much better festival

12. that Halloween totally ripped off.

13. Yeah, this is gonna be a no from me.

14. Uh-oh. Looks like it might rain.

15. Barely. We can't let a little rain ruin Halloween.

16. This is Los Angeles.

17. We can barely handle a light drizzle.

18. Maybe it's okay?

19. What do we do now?

20. We could watch a scary movie.

21. How about we watch "The Simpsons"

22. until the storm dies down?

23. "Treehouse of Horror"! It's a Halloween tradition.

24. "Treehouse of Horror" has been postponed

25. until November 23rd

26. so that we may bring you the World Series.

27. And the score is still tied zero to zero

28. as we enter the 14th inning.

29. Turn it off. Turn it off!

30. Oh, I know. How 'bout we tell scary stories?

31. Ooh, yeah!

32. And we can use ourselves as characters.

33. And anything that happens in them

34. will be considered non-canon.

35. Not sure what any of that means,

36. but yes, let's hear some scary stories.

37. I'll go first, because I know a story that's really scary.

38. It's about one of history's greatest monsters...

39. Alex.

40. What?

41. Okay, not cool.

42. Is this because I used your toothbrush?

43. The night is not over!

44. Which den of debauchery should we hit up next?

45. Antojitos? NBC Sports Grill? Panda Express?

46. I don't know, man. It's after midnight.

47. I have a family. And a headache.

48. Just one more place. I'm sure the next one'll be —

49. Jackpot.

50. Really? What kind of people

51. go to the CityWalk Margaritaville after midnight?

52. It's mostly divorcees and weirdos.

53. You know, my tribe.

54. This is my chance, man.

55. I'm gonna get back out there.

56. Sorry, man. I gotta tap out.

57. But don't worry. We'll do this again

58. when Candice goes to college!

59. I've seen that look before.

60. Best friend ditch you because he's old

61. and obsessed with his family?

62. Nailed it.

63. So, what can I getcha?

64. Everything.

65. Alex, you seem like a guy

66. who loves kickin' back and cuttin' loose.

67. Hell yeah!

68. I love livin' that island life!

69. How would you like to live that island life...

70. forever?

71. I'm already pretty wasted,

72. but whatever.

73. Oh, that tastes like pennies. Ohh.

74. Not your finest work, Rox—

75. Aah!

76. Rough night, huh?

77. Actually, it was awesome.

78. May I be... let in?

79. I mean yeah, sure, you live here.

80. What'd you do, forget your keys?

81. Wait, your keys are right there.

82. And you've got two holes in your neck.

83. And you're flying.

84. You got turned into a vampire at Margaritaville!

85. Yep, and it rules.

86. But don't worry. I'll just bite you,

87. and then you can stay out all night every night

88. doin' cool bro stuff like sippin' Mai Tais

89. and sucking people's blood.

90. Um, no, thanks.

91. Like I said before, I've got a family.

92. But it's so cool!

93. You get to turn yourself into a bat.

94. Check it out.

95. I haven't worked out all the kinks yet.

96. Yeah, I'm going to bed.

97. Fine. Wuss out.

98. But I'm gonna show you how great vamp life can be.

99. Pretty soon, you'll be begging me to bite you.

100. Damn it.

101. Get in on this, bro.

102. Get in on this, bro.

103. Get in on this, bro.

104. Okay, you're right. I'll kill him.

105. What? No. Just tell him to leave.

106. Not now. I'm straight vibin'.

107. Hey, man, can we talk?

108. Before you say anything else — yes.

109. I will absolutely turn you into a vampire.

110. Now lemme suck that sweet vein.

111. No, dude. I'm coming in here to kick you out.

112. We're all sick of you being a selfish undead asshole.

113. Unbelievable.

114. I offer you eternal life and bottomless coladas,

115. and this is how you thank me?

116. Screw that!

117. Ha! Sorry, bro.

118. I'm a Margaritavamp.

119. That means nothing to me.

120. Aah! Don't get comfortable, Josh.

121. I'll be back with a bloodthirsty horde of my real friends,

122. and we'll turn you all.

123. God damn it! Why is this so hard?

124. I think he took that well.

125. Time to weapon up.

126. Whoa, that's a cool way to kill vampires.

127. Vampires?

128. Hey, guys. Guess who's back

129. to turn you all into children of the night?

130. Hey, Alex. Sorry about earlier.

131. Would you and your friends like some daiquiris?

132. Oh, hell yeah.

133. Never say no to a fresh daq.

134. Wait, don't!

135. Oh, I should mention.

136. They're non-alcoholic.

137. What?

138. No! My tubular dudes!

139. Ah, I forgot.

140. So many rules.

141. I invite you in. I invite you in.

142. Oh, forget it, I'll just send you all an e-vite.

143. Aah!

144. Eat stake!

145. Aah!

146. Hey, guys! It's me,

147. your beloved upstairs neighbor, Phil.

148. Phil!

149. Couldn't help but notice

150. you guys were fighting some vampires,

151. so I thought I'd stop by and —

152. Aah!

153. Phil!

154. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

155. I want to turn them, not kill them.

156. It's an honor to be turned into a Margaritavamp.

157. We don't just turn any rando.

158. Yeah.

159. Also, these guys killed a ton of our friends.

160. Sorry, Alex. These sons of a sons of a sailor

161. are dead meat.

162. Aah!

163. Roxy?

164. Aah!

165. Guys, I'm sorry I've been such a selfish jerk.

166. I promise I won't try and turn you anymore.

167. Can you ever forgive me?

168. Yeah. Sure. Okay, fine. This was kinda fun.

169. Back from whence you came, hellspawn!

170. Randy! He was apologizing!

171. Really? Dang.

172. Guess that's why they put erasers on pencils.

173. The end.

174. Eh.

175. Morpheus is bored.

176. Whoa, did you just make that all up?

177. It's based on actual events.

178. Ooh, this is good. In real life,

179. Josh turded in an Uber,

180. and I got a nosebleed in the House of Pies.

181. Okay, that's enough. Someone else please go.

182. I've got a story that's extra scary because it's true.

183. Well, mostly true.

184. It takes place shortly after Alex and I got divorced.

185. Aw, man. Is every story going to be about me?

186. No, you're a very minor character.

187. Boo!

188. What up, Team Bridge?

189. As you know, I just finalized my divorce

190. from Professor Loser

191. and I figured what better way to celebrate

192. than buying myself some new digs?

193. I know it looks like a bit much,

194. but it was pretty affordable.

195. I think 'cause of the tacky interior.

196. Ugh, it looks like the Brady Bunch was murdered in here.

197. I mean, look at these chairs.

198. Ugh, how tacky.

199. The kitchen's gross, too.

200. The sinks don't even work.

201. Huh. Oh, and check this out.

202. I didn't think I'd ever say this,

203. but this closet is too big.

204. Anyway, I'm going to renovate the place.

205. I even got my BFFs Emily and Josh to help me out.

206. Um, that's not normal.

207. It's so cold.

208. New place. Check.

209. Best friends. Check.

210. Flexing on my ex. Check!

211. I guess I won the breakup, DorpSpeed82.

212. I think I'll be the judge of who won the break-up.

213. Oh! Aah!

214. Ugh, I'm starting to think

215. this place wasn't cheap because it was tacky.

216. It's cheap because it's haunted.

217. Ya think?

218. We'll help you move out.

219. Move out?

220. This is great content!

221. What up, Team Bridge?

222. So, the mansion is haunted.

223. Hashtag first world paranormal problems.

224. To fix things, I called up Scott and Joe Miller,

225. AKA the super-hot House Whisperers.

226. Okay, these ceilings might be low,

227. but the amount of dark energy in here is very high.

228. I can tell this house has strong bones.

229. And they're buried under the floorboards.

230. Unh!

231. Sound off in the comments

232. if you think I should date Joe, Scott, or both.

233. Okay, guys, let's hold hands.

234. It's working.

235. The spirit is among us.

236. This house was designed

237. and decorated by Ludwig Tom Wright in the 1960s.

238. Voilà.

239. My finest work.

240. He considered the mansion his masterpiece,

241. but everyone called it tacky.

242. Philistines!

243. You wouldn't know a good house if it collapsed on you!

244. Ludwig died from embarrassment,

245. binding his spirit to the building.

246. No one shall ever renovate this house!

247. To this day, he will not allow any renovations.

248. Okay. Cool light show and all,

249. but can you guys fix the place?

250. We must eradicate

251. the dark energy with sage.

252. While adding value to the home.

253. Everyone knows the kitchen is the heart of the home.

254. I'll cleanse it with sage

255. and raise the cabinets to make the ceilings look taller.

256. And to give this place a more modern look,

257. I'm going to rub some sage on it

258. and turn the hellmouth fireplace into a feature.

259. No!

260. Those who violate my masterpiece

261. shall pay the ultimate price!

262. Aah!

263. Why the frosty reception?

264. Going somewhere?

265. I'm going to paint these walls with your blood!

266. Alex?

267. I came as soon as I saw the live stream!

268. I knew you were cyber-stalking me.

269. Oh, you're right.

270. You won the breakup.

271. I'm an emotionally vacant man-child.

272. I shouldn't have worn shorts to your grandmother's funeral.

273. Ow!

274. Yes?

275. Your haunted house stream is dope.

276. Can we come in and take some pics for the 'Gram?

277. What is... the 'Gram?

278. What up, Team Bridge?

279. Welcome to my haunted house!

280. Everybody say what-up to Ludwig.

281. Anyone want to take one with me?

282. Nah.

283. What are you doing — Oh! Is that sage?

284. Ohh! Obviously, you're still into me.

285. Ugh, so thirsty.

286. The end.

287. Oh. It is way past your bedtime, Candice.

288. But I haven't been scared once yet, and it's Halloween.

289. Oh, you wanna be scared? I'll scare you.

290. But as soon as I do, you're going to bed.

291. Deal? Deal.

292. Here's a little story called "The Magic Pumpkin."

293. Aw, that doesn't sound scary.

294. "That Wanted to Kill Candice"!

295. Ooh!

296. Stop sneaking into my phone to change your name.

297. Stop having such an easy-to-guess passcode.

298. Are you leaving soon?

299. Soon as I can.

300. I just need to finish up here. Cool.

301. Don't forget to pick up a pumpkin on your way home.

302. Candice has that pumpkin-carving contest at school tomorrow.

303. Oh, I'll just steal one from work.

304. Perfect!

305. Who's ready to carve a genetically modified pumpkin?

306. We are. Aah! We are.

307. How did you even reach that?

308. We're going to have to move that higher.

309. I'll find a way.

310. That's weird. Did you hear that?

311. It was probably the air leaving the pumpkin.

312. Aww, it's actually kind of cute.

313. Let's take a selfie with it.

314. Aah!

315. How do you keep getting that?

316. Can you guys stop screaming your heads off?

317. Aah!

318. Aah!

319. Alex? You don't even celebrate Halloween!

320. I was doing that Samhain thing

321. I mentioned at the beginning.

322. Aah!

323. How about a slice of pumpkin die?

324. Heh. What'd I miss?

325. Pumpkin guy killed Alex,

326. then almost killed me.

327. Then Candice totally saved the day.

328. Whoa.

329. Sucks to be Alex.

330. Oh, shoot.

331. Now I don't have anything for the pumpkin carving contest.

332. I have an idea.

333. Mr. And our third place finisher

334. and person taking home this random PEZ dispenser

335. I found while doing self-checkout at CVS...

336. Candice. Yes!

337. Great work, Candice.

338. Very scary, but I'm going to throw it away now

339. because it's attracting ants, so...

340. No offense, Mom, but I'm practically falling asleep.

341. What else you got?

342. Mom?

343. Mom?

344. Dad?

345. Alex?

346. Bridgette?

347. What the butt?

348. Storyboard artist: Oh, God, I'm so behind.

349. Where are you on that

350. Ferris wheel rolling down the pier sequence?

351. Wait, I thought you were drawing that.

352. The pitch is in two hours!

353. It's Bagel Friday, everyone!

354. Bagel.

355. Need nourishment.

356. Aah!

357. Key card. Help, help, guys.

358. Dad! Could you please

359. stop bouncing that thing?

360. I can't hear myself think!

361. Oh, this is actually part of our creative process.

362. Uh, Dad?

363. Oh, hey. Are you on a tour?

364. Here. Your parents probably won't let you watch this show,

365. but have you seen this one?

366. Aah!

367. Hey. Can someone let me in?

368. I forgot my key card.

369. Josh, did you get your head stuck in a pumpkin?

370. Mom!

371. Wait.

372. Let me try that softer.

373. "Josh, did you get your head stuck in a pumpkin?"

374. You're not my mom.

375. Is everything okay, sweetie?

376. Whoa. This little girl looks exactly like Candice.

377. Who? Candice?

378. You know, my character on the show?

379. Oh, sorry. I don't watch cartoons.

380. Character... on the show?

381. Oh, no.

382. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

383. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

384. Oh, wow, is that Candice?

385. Oh, dude, it's Candice!

386. - Candice! Candice! - Can I get an autograph?

387. Aah!

388. Candice, are you okay?

389. I had a nightmare where we didn't go trick-or-treating,

390. and you all tried to tell me scary stories,

391. but none of them were scary,

392. and then it turned out we were in an animation studio!

393. No, we're real.

394. We just watched a scary movie, and it gave you nightmares.

395. Come on, Candice, it's time for bed.

396. Josh, did you get your head stuck in a pumpkin?