1. Randy, you up?Copy !req
2. Better get your butt outta bed! You've got a long trip!Copy !req
3. Uh, make sure not to use that toilet while I'm gone, Ma.Copy !req
4. I gotta fix that nasty clog.Copy !req
5. Okay. Have a safe one, baby!Copy !req
6. Your cheapest ticket to anywhere, please.Copy !req
7. This will serve as final boarding callCopy !req
8. for flight 833 to Denver.Copy !req
9. Phew, made it!Copy !req
10. One off-da-hook Donkey Sauce deep-fried Flavorburger, please!Copy !req
11. Ah.Copy !req
12. Ma, I got your burger home in record time!Copy !req
13. You can eat it hot for once.Copy !req
14. Pearle: Now stick it in!Copy !req
15. Get in there real deep!Copy !req
16. Ma?Copy !req
17. It's not what it looks like. We're lovers!Copy !req
18. Huh?Copy !req
19. I love this... man.Copy !req
20. Ah... oooh. Ew.Copy !req
21. How could you hire another handyman behind my back?Copy !req
22. I didn't want to hurt your feelings.Copy !req
23. You're a fragile boy.Copy !req
24. I'm a fragile man!Copy !req
25. And being a handyman is my thing.Copy !req
26. That's why I get to live here rent-free.Copy !req
27. I thought it was because you're the landlord's son.Copy !req
28. Randy, I'm sorry it came to this,Copy !req
29. but things had to get fixed, and, well, you're...Copy !req
30. - I'm what? -Eh...Copy !req
31. you may not exactly be good at fixing things?Copy !req
32. Says when?Copy !req
33. Numbers, numbers.Copy !req
34. That'll hold.Copy !req
35. But repairs are my calling.Copy !req
36. Maybe find a different calling?Copy !req
37. Yeah! You're good at tons of stuff.Copy !req
38. - Binge-watching. -Toasting bread?Copy !req
39. Not wearing a shirt?Copy !req
40. Those examples are bullshit and you know it!Copy !req
41. I'm gonna do what troubled young men have done for centuries —Copy !req
42. Go... to... sea.Copy !req
43. This is where I belong!Copy !req
44. Oh, no!Copy !req
45. This is my nightmare — being cast awayCopy !req
46. on a desert island,Copy !req
47. like in that Tom Hanks movie.Copy !req
48. What was the name of that one?Copy !req
49. Dang it!Copy !req
50. "Tom Hanks movies"...Copy !req
51. Oh, that was fast.Copy !req
52. Tom Hanks was in "Big?"Copy !req
53. Huh. Learn something new everyday.Copy !req
54. Hit the old Wikipedia here, crank the brightness...Copy !req
55. Better read this slowly for full comprehension...Copy !req
56. "Tom Hanks has been featured in many filmsCopy !req
57. including the one where he is stranded all alone, by himself.Copy !req
58. The title of that movie is..."Copy !req
59. Noooooo!Copy !req
60. Noooooo!Copy !req
61. Noooooo!Copy !req
62. Dang it...Copy !req
63. We know what to do. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!Copy !req
64. Need more caulk! -You can't fix anything!Copy !req
65. Why are you even trying, you tiny me's?Copy !req
66. How can I ever repay you?Copy !req
67. I take cash, credit,Copy !req
68. or maternal love.Copy !req
69. Don't pay him, Maaa!Copy !req
70. What is this David Lynch bullshit?Copy !req
71. Welp, I guess I did find my true calling...Copy !req
72. Death.Copy !req
73. Take me now, cruel God!Copy !req
74. Bob Vila from "This Old House?"Copy !req
75. Tim Allen as that guy from "Home Improvement"Copy !req
76. whose name I forgot?Copy !req
77. - Ikea Man?Copy !req
78. Nice to meat you, too!Copy !req
79. You guys are legends!Copy !req
80. My handyman inspiration.Copy !req
81. We're here to save you, Randy.Copy !req
82. If you don't build yourself a shelter and quick,Copy !req
83. you will die.Copy !req
84. Gruh-oh.Copy !req
85. Aw... I can't build nothing. I'm not handy.Copy !req
86. And even if I were, I've got no tools.Copy !req
87. You've got the most important tool of all.Copy !req
88. Me?Copy !req
89. Exactamundo!Copy !req
90. You're right.Copy !req
91. I am a tool.Copy !req
92. That's the spirit. And don't worry,Copy !req
93. we've got your back, right fellas?Copy !req
94. Would you look at that?Copy !req
95. Home sweet home.Copy !req
96. An exact replica of our building.Copy !req
97. What do you guys think?Copy !req
98. So cool!Copy !req
99. I wanna bring all my boyfriends here.Copy !req
100. As a working mom who wants to have it all, I love it!Copy !req
101. And I'm Alex!Copy !req
102. Son, I'm gonna say this in the least racist accent I can!Copy !req
103. You did good.Copy !req
104. Also, I love you now.Copy !req
105. Thanks, Ma. Built it all from memory.Copy !req
106. Every detail's the same —Copy !req
107. the floor's crooked, the walls are kinda janky.Copy !req
108. It's even got that monster toilet clog.Copy !req
109. Come to think of it,Copy !req
110. I could finally take care of that.Copy !req
111. What the butt?Copy !req
112. No! Ma!Copy !req
113. I'm sorry for your loss, Randy.Copy !req
114. How could this have happened?Copy !req
115. No.Copy !req
116. Oh, yeah, no.Copy !req
117. Oh, no. If Ma fixes that clog,Copy !req
118. the whole house will collapse and crush everyone!Copy !req
119. Unless...Copy !req
120. Unless I save them.Copy !req
121. Thank you, guys!Copy !req
122. Thank you for teaching me to give the ultimate handy!Copy !req
123. That's a weird way to put it, but you're welcome.Copy !req
124. You guys wanna get a burger?Copy !req
125. I'm too late!Copy !req
126. Randy!Copy !req
127. Clear that clog and we die!Copy !req
128. That's a load-bearing clog.Copy !req
129. If you clear it without substitutingCopy !req
130. a comparable support, this whole place goes down.Copy !req
131. Yeah, okay, buddy.Copy !req
132. Take cover, Ma!Copy !req
133. Randy? What's happening?Copy !req
134. I'm rerouting all the pipes to clear the clog.Copy !req
135. Get to your toilets and wait for my signal!Copy !req
136. Ax kick!Copy !req
137. Toothpaste!Copy !req
138. You son of a bitch.Copy !req
139. Okay, guys! On the count of three,Copy !req
140. I want you to flush that toilet!Copy !req
141. I can't do it!Copy !req
142. You've got to!Copy !req
143. Three, two, one!Copy !req
144. Fluuush!Copy !req
145. That'll hold.Copy !req
146. Whoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
147. You saved the house, baby!Copy !req
148. And I'm Alex!Copy !req
149. Ugh, how is it that every kidCopy !req
150. seems to have their birthday party in the same six weeks?Copy !req
151. Aw, they're not that bad.Copy !req
152. We've got three more this weekend.Copy !req
153. Only three? Lucky.Copy !req
154. We've got five.Copy !req
155. See you guys...Copy !req
156. This party rules!Copy !req
157. I can't wait for my party next weekend.Copy !req
158. Us, too...Copy !req
159. Can't wait...Copy !req
160. I can't take any more forced fun.Copy !req
161. Just kill me now.Copy !req
162. Thank you.Copy !req
163. Okay, I've booked the magician for Candice's party,Copy !req
164. ordered the cake, I bought the decorations,Copy !req
165. and scored some Xanax to get us through it.Copy !req
166. When did birthday parties become so not fun?Copy !req
167. Yeah, I feel like the parents deserve a partyCopy !req
168. just for going to all these parties.Copy !req
169. Wait, can we do that? Do what?Copy !req
170. Throw a party for the parents at the same time as Candice's party.Copy !req
171. Can we do that?Copy !req
172. I'll get Pearle to watch the kids! I'm ordering a keg.Copy !req
173. Oh, my God, we could do weed delivery.Copy !req
174. Siri, how do you make peyote?Copy !req
175. Let's buy cocaine!Copy !req
176. Too far? Too far.Copy !req
177. Hey!Copy !req
178. Put that snot back in your nose!Copy !req
179. That cake is ginormous.Copy !req
180. Here comes the cavalry! Mom, Dad!Copy !req
181. Come into the bounce house with me!Copy !req
182. It's so fun!Copy !req
183. We have to bring this to the garage, sweetie.Copy !req
184. You go have fun with your friends.Copy !req
185. Hmm...Copy !req
186. This is how you celebrate a kid's birthday.Copy !req
187. No kid shit, just booze.Copy !req
188. Wow! Cookies you can eat?Copy !req
189. My favorite!Copy !req
190. We're the best parents.Copy !req
191. You're not supposed to be in here. But you are.Copy !req
192. Uh, let's get off the big metal juice box, sweetie.Copy !req
193. Everybody, we'll be right back. Drink up!Copy !req
194. Hey, look, the magician's here!Copy !req
195. You can set up over there and start whenever you're ready.Copy !req
196. The Amazing Sardini is always ready!Copy !req
197. But where are the parents?Copy !req
198. Well, we had this idea that the parentsCopy !req
199. could have their own party.Copy !req
200. Cool, right? We got tired of the standardCopy !req
201. kids birthday party thing.Copy !req
202. But magic is an all-ages entertainment.Copy !req
203. Don't you want to see the look on your children's facesCopy !req
204. when I create... illusions?Copy !req
205. Yeah... We had this awesome ideaCopy !req
206. that the parents could have a party.Copy !req
207. So...Copy !req
208. Uhh...Copy !req
209. Oh, yeah, whippin' out the six pack!Copy !req
210. Whoo-hoo! -Oh, my God.Copy !req
211. Wouldn't it be funny if we all made out?Copy !req
212. Ha, let's get naked and fight!Copy !req
213. - Ow! I'm down.Copy !req
214. What the butt? We were gone for five minutes!Copy !req
215. What'd you expect?Copy !req
216. You gave a bunch of parents a keg.Copy !req
217. Everyone knows once you have kids you can't hold your liquor.Copy !req
218. Whoo! I just had a Corona!Copy !req
219. And what's the first rule of Naked Fight Club?Copy !req
220. Hey, some nerd is doing magic.Copy !req
221. Let's go make fun of him.Copy !req
222. What seems like an ordinary handkerchiefCopy !req
223. is actually a magic handkerchief.Copy !req
224. Okay, guys. Let's get back into the garage.Copy !req
225. - Fake thumb! -Magic sucks!Copy !req
226. Suck your own!Copy !req
227. Ma'am! There are children here!Copy !req
228. Hey kids, watch me make this beer disappear.Copy !req
229. Shut up!Copy !req
230. It's a stout, and it's my second!Copy !req
231. Ladies and gentlemen, if everyone could please respectCopy !req
232. the art of magic for a moment.Copy !req
233. Enough! You wanted a partyCopy !req
234. without children, did you not?Copy !req
235. Exite cerimonia!Copy !req
236. Now that's a good trick.Copy !req
237. I took a class at the Magic Castle, so...Copy !req
238. Uh... What just happened?Copy !req
239. Did he just... actually...Copy !req
240. What did you do? Where are the kids?Copy !req
241. I sent them somewhere they can enjoy a real birthday party,Copy !req
242. which you clearly cannot provide.Copy !req
243. If you want them, put on the hats and go get them.Copy !req
244. Alex, Bridgette!Copy !req
245. Keep the parents distracted.Copy !req
246. Hey, I think there's some artisanal pizzasCopy !req
247. in the garage...Copy !req
248. Ready? Let's do this.Copy !req
249. Where the hell are we?Copy !req
250. Birthday World, ya silly bean!Copy !req
251. A land of nonstop fun where the currency is laughsCopy !req
252. and it's illegal to frown!Copy !req
253. Just kidding, we don't have government here.Copy !req
254. O-kay... Where are the kids?Copy !req
255. They're atop Mount Cake in Castle Joy!Copy !req
256. Yay, Castle Joy!Copy !req
257. And what's happens in Castle Joy?Copy !req
258. A never-ending birthday party! It's like Chuck E. Cheese,Copy !req
259. except soon your children will forget they even have parents...Copy !req
260. and choose to stay here for all eternity.Copy !req
261. Yaaaaay!Copy !req
262. This place is a nightmare.Copy !req
263. Come on!Copy !req
264. Candice? We're coming!Copy !req
265. Candice?Copy !req
266. Are you okay? Candice?Copy !req
267. Sardini!Copy !req
268. Give us back our daughter, Sardini.Copy !req
269. We survived all your challenges.Copy !req
270. But the most important challengesCopy !req
271. are yet to come.Copy !req
272. First, you must select all imagesCopy !req
273. with traffic lights on them!Copy !req
274. Really?Copy !req
275. Sorry, it's part of the procedure.Copy !req
276. We need to make sure you're not a bot.Copy !req
277. Nice, Em!Copy !req
278. Next, a test of how well you know your daughter.Copy !req
279. What is her favorite kind of birthday cake?Copy !req
280. Easy, she likes strawberries.Copy !req
281. No!Copy !req
282. No!Copy !req
283. It's a trick question!Copy !req
284. Candice loves all cake.Copy !req
285. Her favorite is going to be the biggest one.Copy !req
286. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
287. Very good.Copy !req
288. Now, what is her favorite birthday activity?Copy !req
289. Well, she did say she wanted to bounce with us.Copy !req
290. But remember how hard she laughedCopy !req
291. when we played musical chairs and I fell on my face?Copy !req
292. She also loves it when I swing the piñata.Copy !req
293. Don't worry, children! If they get it wrong,Copy !req
294. you'll spend the rest of your daysCopy !req
295. living off of nutritious Necco Wafers!Copy !req
296. Yaaay!Copy !req
297. It could be any of these things.Copy !req
298. That's the answer. It's all of these.Copy !req
299. Her favorite activity is the one she does with us.Copy !req
300. You are correct!Copy !req
301. But for your final test,Copy !req
302. answer the question of a special guest.Copy !req
303. Mom, Dad?Copy !req
304. Candice!Copy !req
305. Ah-ah-ah, first you answer the question.Copy !req
306. Uh...Copy !req
307. Why'd you guys want to spend time in the garageCopy !req
308. instead of with me?Copy !req
309. We blew it, honey. We didn't mean to ignore you.Copy !req
310. We just wanted to do something nice for the parents,Copy !req
311. and we got wrapped up in it.Copy !req
312. Sometimes parents want to have grown-up fun,Copy !req
313. but we were selfish. Today should've been about you.Copy !req
314. And to show me how sorry you are you'll get me an iPad Pro?Copy !req
315. Well...Copy !req
316. Great. Amazing Sardini, this place is cool,Copy !req
317. but I'd like to finish my party at home.Copy !req
318. Very well.Copy !req
319. - Candice! -Candice!Copy !req
320. Congratulations, parents.Copy !req
321. You learned the true meaning of birthdays.Copy !req
322. Hooray!Copy !req
323. You are free to go.Copy !req
324. Candice, I must admit I was hopingCopy !req
325. you would choose to stay here with me.Copy !req
326. You see, I have no children of my own.Copy !req
327. I can't have them.Copy !req
328. Skateboarding accident when I was a teen.Copy !req
329. I was doing a trick on a handrail.Copy !req
330. I think you can imagine how that went.Copy !req
331. The one thing that gives my life purposeCopy !req
332. is letting children d— d—Copy !req
333. Guess it's just you and me again.Copy !req
334. There, there, Sardini.Copy !req
335. Unwrap me... Oh, yes, mmm...Copy !req
336. Oh, Gifty...Copy !req
337. And the 12th thing only a true '90s kid will remember...Copy !req
338. is Tamagotchis.Copy !req
339. Hey, I thought they'd never fall asleep.Copy !req
340. Aww... they look so peaceful.Copy !req
341. I-I'm awake!Copy !req
342. I was watching them the whole time.Copy !req
343. Shhh! We just got them down!Copy !req
344. Can I go in the bouncy house?Copy !req
345. With you guys? -Let's get in that bounce house.Copy !req
346. As a family!Copy !req
347. Whoa, whoa, whoa, tell me more about thisCopy !req
348. universal basic income.Copy !req
349. Hey, man, you do you.Copy !req