Close Enough 2x8

Directed by J.G. Quintel • Calvin Wong

Fred Stoller as Mr. Salt (voice) • Roger Craig Smith as Jan / Barbecue-Cucumber Announcer (voice)

After Josh abandons his family in the face of danger, he asks Pearle to train him to be brave.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Derek!

2. Not now, Beyoncé!

3. I got ghosted again!

4. Why is it so hard to find a guy who won't leave?

5. Trust me, one day you'll find your perfect match.

6. I did!

7. - We got a street couch! -Oh, hell no!

8. We agreed — no more garbage furniture!

9. But I want it.

10. Oh, we got that savings account you wanted...

11. But we needed that!

12. Fine.

13. Yes! Excuse us, ladies.

14. I can't believe we carried it 15 blocks!

15. It's gonna feel so good to sit on it.

16. Ho-ho, man. Okay, here we go.

17. Gotta get this right. Gotta get this right. Gotta warm up my cheeks.

18. Just like puttin' a fish in a fishbowl, you know what I'm saying.

19. Guys, can you please tone it down a little.

20. Bridgette just got ghosted.

21. Ooooh, sorry.

22. You know what might help?

23. The healing properties of a comfy street couch.

24. Whoa!

25. Oh, actually, I was thinking we could all sit on it right now.

26. Ohhh, noooo!

27. I-I-I-It's cool. I can wait.

28. Beautiful mademoiselle, why so sad?

29. Forgive me, mon chérie.

30. I've not properly introduced myself.

31. My name is Henri Dubois Moureau V.

32. My father was the Duc D'Orléans.

33. Um, I'm — I'm Bridgette. Uh...

34. My father is a pharmacist.

35. Well, he must be the king of the pharmacists

36. because he raised a princess, hmm?

37. Okay, everything about this is working for me.

38. But, you're, like, dead, right? What's that all about?

39. I was once France's premier furniture designer...

40. and it's greatest bachelor.

41. I made love to beautiful women,

42. and in return, they made love back to me.

43. But I was unfaithful.

44. Ohh. Oh! Oh!

45. And some became jealous.

46. I died on this very couch.

47. So you're tied to this couch forever?

48. Until I complete my unfinished business,

49. whatever that may be.

50. And you, why is it that my couch

51. is stained with your tears?

52. Oh, I was sad because guys keep ghosting me.

53. No offense. Ghosting?

54. What is this "ghosting?"

55. It's when a guy dumps you without telling you and vanishes.

56. This is, how you say, outrage!

57. I would never ghost you, sweet Bridgette.

58. Oh, really?

59. So, um... what are you doing later?

60. Your new boyfriend seems awesome.

61. Henri and I have so much in common.

62. He also hates fake bitches.

63. - Excuse me, Candice. -I've heard worse.

64. Well, I'm glad you found someone.

65. Okay, just to be clear,

66. this is not a relationship.

67. This is a haunting.

68. I knew you were gonna be like this.

69. You don't like him because he's French.

70. It ain't helping, but it's mostly because he's dead.

71. I mean how are you even gonna have sex?

72. Wouldn't you like to know?

73. Come in.

74. Thank you for agreeing to be our vessel, Randy.

75. Anything for a friend-slash-tenant.

76. Mmm.

77. Ooh.

78. Did she move the couch in there?

79. I haven't had a chance to sit on it yet.

80. Gross.

81. Ew.

82. Bonjour, mon chéri.

83. What a beautiful morning

84. after such a beautiful evening of love-make.

85. Yeaaah, it was... great.

86. I'm just used to sleeping alone.

87. Well, you will never have to again.

88. Uh, I need to go in here.

89. Pardon, is everything alright?

90. Yeah, it's fine. Great.

91. Did I say you could leave a toothbrush in here?

92. No, but, uh, I, um,

93. how you say, assumed,

94. uh, since we live together.

95. You knew the word was "assumed."

96. Bridgette, I apologize if I've done anything to offend.

97. I — I hope you can forgive me.

98. Yeah, gross. I'm not really into chocolate.

99. Bridgette...

100. I have a beautiful surprise

101. for a beautiful lady.

102. Greeeaaat. More dead things.

103. Bridgette, I have expressed my passion for you

104. through the medium of painting.

105. I've also written an opera about your face.

106. Uh-huh.

107. I guess it does not matter.

108. Nothing I do seems to matter. What do you mean?

109. You're the best... Yay...

110. Is that why you put up zis?

111. What? It's my favorite movie.

112. Why have you grown so cold?

113. Ooh, sorry. I'm getting a call.

114. Ah, zere it is! Classic Bridgette.

115. Zings get le tough and you le run away

116. to ze fake phone call!

117. Shh! You're being a dick!

118. Yes, I do have time for a survey.

119. Ah! Bridgette!

120. You are tearing me apart!

121. Whatever, like I don't have three more.

122. No, no, no. You're not going anywhere

123. until you tell me why you are so upset with me.

124. Hey guys, is it cool if I sit on the...

125. Aw, man... Upset?

126. How could I be upset about a dead guy who's chained to a couch and can never leave?

127. Is zat what you wish?

128. You wish I could, uh, ghost you?

129. Please! You're being ridiculous!

130. Why would I want a guy...

131. to ghost... me?

132. Hey, I was thinking, maybe I could leave

133. a toothbrush at your place?

134. Yuck. Take me to Wetzel's

135. and don't embarrass me.

136. Psst, I bought a toothbrush to leave at your place.

137. Bridgette, I have something

138. I want to keep at your place.

139. What — What are y—

140. Bridgette, I love you!

141. Oh, shit. I'm the dick.

142. So, I'm sorry for how I behaved.

143. You know how women are conditioned to be

144. non-confrontational with guys

145. so they don't get murdered or locked in a basement?

146. Oui, of course.

147. I've realized that's why I sabotage relationships

148. when I just want them to be over.

149. Instead of just breaking things off,

150. I force guys to ghost me.

151. So, you want to break things off avec moi?

152. You are a really, really great ghost.

153. And if I was ready, or if you were alive,

154. maybe this would be different.

155. I understand. You do?

156. Are you sure you don't want to yell at me

157. in the back of an Uber or something?

158. No, no, no. I am done disrespecting women.

159. When I was among ze living, I was a cad, a cheat.

160. I hurt every woman I ever loved, and it killed me.

161. Hurt people... hurt people. Ohh...

162. I don't want to hurt you.

163. Nor I you.

164. I want you to be happy.

165. I can't believe how mature this breakup is.

166. Mon dieu!

167. What's happening?

168. My unfinished business!

169. I must have needed to have a healthy breakup!

170. Or to make love to a woman

171. by possessing a shirtless man's body.

172. Either way, farewell, sweet Bridgette of House Pharmacist!

173. Goodbye, Henri!

174. Thanks for not freaking out when I broke up with you!

175. No, I broke up with you!

176. I broke up with him.

177. Couch? No! No!

178. No! Oh, God...

179. I never got to sit on you...

180. Next customer, please.

181. You excited to open your very first savings account?

182. Yeah! Coin purses are for kids.

183. What do I do? What do I do?

184. Run!

185. Josh?

186. Here at First Bank of Hollywood,

187. our interest rates are out-of-this-world!

188. Wow, ha, guess you, uh, would expect high-production values

189. from Bank of Hollywood, huh?

190. You know what we didn't expect?

191. For you to bail on your family!

192. Hey, Earthling. Here's a free coin purse.

193. We also have super-low interest rates on our divorce loans.

194. Here's my card.

195. Of course I want to be the kind of guy

196. who'll protect his family if shit goes down.

197. You wanna be John McClane. Exactly.

198. But when it comes to "fight or flight,"

199. my body just always picks flight.

200. So... More of a John McLame?

201. Nailed it. -Haha, points!

202. You hush up, Randy!

203. Not everyone's born brave.

204. Shoot, at the police academy, we'd have recruits

205. come in all jumpy as hell, scared of their own peckers.

206. Oh, we called handguns "peckers."

207. Penises we called "shotguns,"

208. and shotguns we called "long dongs."

209. Anyway, with my training

210. I'd built 'em up into tough-ass L.A. cops.

211. Wait, Pearle, could you do that for me?

212. Train me to be brave when my family's in danger?

213. Pearle?

214. We've already begun.

215. Oh, man. This is gonna be so sweet.

216. Oh! Oh, nooo!

217. Randy? Woof, woof!

218. Tastes like fear!

219. Lesson Number One: Danger's gonna come at you

220. from every direction.

221. Now, Alex made a scaled replica of Candice

222. out of eggs that you have to protect at all times.

223. Daddy! Help me!

224. I made an Emily, too.

225. That's so many eggs.

226. Your coward gut is gonna tell you to run,

227. so you've gotta listen to your brain and fight!

228. Ha!

229. Your dong's telling you "owww!"

230. Your environment is your weapon!

231. They can't get you if they can't see you.

232. But don't ever apply fence varnish to your face.

233. And finally, when you expect danger,

234. danger can't expect you!

235. Now your dong's telling you ow.

236. Oww! Yes!

237. I'm brave!

238. Simmer down, Thin Diesel. This backyard stuff

239. was just phase one of the training.

240. Phase two's gonna come at you in the real world

241. when you least expect it.

242. And boy is it gonna blow... your... mind.

243. Bring it on.

244. Up 13% year after year.

245. Whoa...

246. Hey folks, it's been a heckuva year for Food Corps!

247. But next year'll be even better when we unveil...

248. the Barbecue-Cumber!

249. We took a pig and a cucumber

250. and combined them.

251. The Barbecue-Cumber.

252. Cool.

253. Hot as a cucumber.

254. I mean a cucumber that tastes like pulled pork?

255. Ka-ching!

256. Hoo, ha! Hyah! Ha!

257. And that, my friends, is how you disarm

258. somebody who's holding a churro.

259. Yeah, real awesome, Josh.

260. Tell me, did Pearle teach you how to disarm a fake alien?

261. Oh, ha ha ha.

262. I can take your sarcasm

263. 'cause I am a changed man, Em.

264. Gun!

265. Ha, wow, could you be any more terrorist-y?

266. Huh, wow.

267. Could you be any more dying now?

268. Damn it, Josh. All that training and for what?

269. Ah man, my best white slip-ons!

270. Geez! They really like champagne.

271. Now punch that one over there!

272. Wait, that's not the sound of people enjoying sparkling wine.

273. Phase two's gonna come at you in the real world

274. when you least expect it.

275. Phase two!

276. Pearle's simulating a terrorist takeover.

277. Just like in "Die Hard 2," except in a building!

278. Alright, Josh, let's do this.

279. Hey! Where you think you're going?

280. To save my family.

281. Whoa, you're really going for it.

282. Love the commitment. What are you babbling about?

283. So good.

284. Hoo! Ha! Hyah!

285. Oh, my God...

286. Pearle hired professional stunt men!

287. You want the Barbecue-Cumber?

288. But it's not even available yet.

289. Exactly, Mr. "Shark Tank" CEO.

290. That is why you will be opening your vault

291. to be giving us the genetic sequence.

292. What are you, some kind of environmental activists?

293. Capitalists. A vegetable

294. that is tasting like smokey barbecue?

295. We will be selling to highest bidder.

296. Probably Whole Foods.

297. You'll have to kill me for it!

298. No, no, don't, don't. I was just kidding.

299. We're insured for this sort of thing.

300. Okee-dokee, let's get that vault open before the killing.

301. Emily, what's my password? I don't know, Mr. Salt.

302. That's okay. We've got a protocol

303. for this type of situation.

304. "Who was your best friend in grade school?"

305. Oh, geez, how could I choose just one?

306. Are you even to be kidding me right now?

307. Josh, remember,

308. your environment is your weapon.

309. They can't get you if they can't see you.

310. Juergen, we might needing start blowing ze up the vault.

311. Juergen, comings in.

312. Juergen!

313. Sorry, pal. Juergen just got creamed.

314. Who is this?

315. Your worst nightmare.

316. Oh, man, that was so badass!

317. Oh, gotta unsqueeze the button —

318. Daddy?

319. Who is this Green Day American idiot?

320. I-I honestly don't know.

321. Just some super-sexy hero type?

322. I just remembered it!

323. Oh, good. Okay, um...

324. "My name is Mr. Salt,"

325. and the "E" is a three.

326. The Barbecue-Cumber.

327. Soon I am being a billionaire.

328. Final boss time!

329. Not another step, Mr. George W. Cowboy.

330. Daddy! It's okay, sweetie.

331. Daddy's crushing this simulation.

332. What simulation? You know, this.

333. Pearle was training me to be brave.

334. These guys are all a part of it.

335. Josh, no, this is real.

336. These guys are real bad guys.

337. Suuure, Em.

338. And I bet this paintball gun shoots real bullets, too, huh?

339. This is real!

340. And it was Karl's first day on job.

341. Well, internship.

342. Oh, man. Oh, man.

343. Josh! Keep it together!

344. So pathetic.

345. And now, Mr. Chocolate Chip Coward,

346. it is being time for you to die.

347. Run! Let's get outta here!

348. No, we fight! Right?

349. Don't look at me, I'm just your dong.

350. I vote we run!

351. Well, if we have to run,

352. at least run in the right direction!

353. No! I wanted no part of this.

354. Nooo!

355. Oh my, God, Josh! You're shot!

356. Where's — There's — There's no blood.

357. Whoooaaa...

358. Saved by out-of-this-world savings.

359. Man, if this is what they do for Christmas,

360. I've gotta be here for New Year's.

361. Hey, wait a minute.

362. I wonder what phase two really was.

363. Oh, man. He's gonna shit!