Close Enough 2x6

Directed by J.G. Quintel • Calvin Wong

Rachel Bloom as Kira (voice) • Eugene Cordero as Horny Dude (voice)

Alex buys his first smartphone, which seduces him into a digital fantasy world.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Whew. Tss, tss!

2. Ca-caw!

3. Why am I bringing up the rear?

4. No offense, but it's "cops and robbers",

5. not, you know, "retired cops and robbers."

6. I'm not retired from this game!

7. Pffft, okay.

8. It's raid time!

9. Man down!

10. Freeze, El Chupacabra! Huh?

11. You're under arrest.

12. Arrest this!

13. Now we've got a game!

14. Aah!

15. Stay down, civilian!

16. Sorry, copper, you're too old to catch El Chupacabra!

17. With age comes wisdom.

18. Power slide!

19. Oh, God!

20. Looks like a hit... and roll.

21. Damn it, Randy!

22. I'm hurt here!

23. Oh, really?

24. Well, tell me, Mr. Insurance Man,

25. how on Earth is a partial hip replacement

26. considered elective surgery?

27. No, you read the fine print

28. of your medical plan for more information!

29. After giving the police force the best years of my life,

30. all they give me in return is some aspirin

31. and a prescription

32. for water aerobics?

33. Those bastards!

34. Don't you talk about the LAPD that way!

35. But you — But you just said —

36. Once a cop, always a cop, Randy.

37. Why not give the water aerobics a try?

38. They say it's not just for old people.

39. I'm too young for this shit.

40. And four and one and two

41. and three and four and one and two and three...

42. Wow!

43. Great class, everybody.

44. Next week, we'll work on lunges.

45. Why don't you come over here and lunge into me, Tony!

46. Oh, you're naughty, Barb!

47. Saw you struggling earlier.

48. Don't worry, new kid.

49. First time is the worst time.

50. Just like sex and cataract surgery.

51. I'm Barb. Nice to meet you. I'm Pearle.

52. And this naughty girl is Gertrude.

53. She can hook you up with weed so dank,

54. it'll melt your face off your skull.

55. And Shirley here is my ride-or-die.

56. It's lunchtime, bitch!

57. She may have dementia,

58. but she's the kinda gal I'd want with me in a firefight.

59. It's lunchtime, bitch!

60. You guys get in a lot of firefights?

61. I've been around one or two.

62. On the force. Oh, snap.

63. It's legal now, Gertrude.

64. I was a cop. Retired now.

65. Lot of good it did me.

66. Their crap insurance plan

67. won't cover the hip surgery I need.

68. All my life I played by the rules,

69. and look where it got me.

70. The Y-M freaking C-A.

71. Hey, now.

72. Life led you to the Y for a reason.

73. Maybe to make new friends.

74. Wanna hang with us?

75. I promised my son I'd take him to lunch.

76. Happy meal!

77. I'm lovin' it!

78. Yeah, I'll go to lunch with you.

79. I gotta tell you girls — I feel alive!

80. Hey, would you mind stopping by the bank on the way to lunch?

81. We need to deposit our Social Security checks.

82. Oh, sure, but I get to choose where we go to lunch.

83. There's Cupcake Factory, Cupcake Factory Outlet,

84. California Pizza Dungeon, Hammy's Sammies,

85. Sammy's Hammies — they only do pork —

86. Taco Hell — Keep the car runnin'. Back in a jif.

87. Burger Thing, that new ironic restaurant in Silver Lake,

88. which is also what it's called.

89. Mr. Meat's Vegan Eats, The Money Hole,

90. Tramp, Slump, Turd.

91. I've always wanted to try Turd.

92. I could go for General Tso's Clam Shack — are y'all okay?

93. Floor it, Pearle!

94. What happened? We just made a little withdrawal.

95. Y'all are bank robbers?

96. Turn left up here!

97. Everybody stay cool.

98. Morning, ladies.

99. Y'all coming from the Sixth Ninth Bank?

100. We— We're just headed to lunch, officer.

101. Could you help us?

102. Which way is the old senior buffet?

103. That bank was just robbed.

104. Did you ladies see anything suspicious?

105. No. Nope.

106. Yeah...

107. Alright.

108. You ladies have a good lunch now.

109. The old senior buffet is just down the road,

110. near the crematorium. Thanks.

111. Maybe we should just skip lunch

112. and head straight to the crematorium.

113. Oh!

114. I said it!

115. Only in America.

116. Yeah.

117. I can't believe you hid this from me.

118. Listen, Pearle, everyone thinks we're useless.

119. Aren't you tired of being ignored?

120. Yes! But robbing banks?

121. We're not robbing.

122. We're taking what we deserve

123. for medical bills that insurance won't cover.

124. No one gets hurt.

125. And we get that rush.

126. What's this?

127. Your cut.

128. You okay, Ma?

129. Randy, baby, you ever find

130. that you have to do the wrong thing

131. in order to do something right?

132. Sure I do, Ma.

133. Just this morning, I was lifting weights in the garage,

134. and I accidentally dropped a dumbbell

135. on the hood of Josh's car.

136. Something good will probably ultimately

137. come out of that, right?

138. Hello? Pearle, it's Barb.

139. We've got something cooking.

140. Enough to fix your hip...

141. and buy that boy of yours a shirt.

142. I'm in.

143. The Werther's Originals armored truck

144. makes its quarterly deposit of caramel profits

145. at the Santa Monica First Pier Bank on Friday,

146. but we're going to hit it before it gets there.

147. It's lunchtime, bitch.

148. Hi, ma'am. Let me help you!

149. Touch me and you're dead!

150. Ah, Jesus, we're gonna miss our light!

151. Aah! No!

152. What?

153. No, don't stop to blow up your hemorrhoid donut!

154. Aaaah!

155. Are you sure you're up for this?

156. It's time to get what we deserve.

157. Excuse me, young man,

158. but you have some schmutz on your face.

159. I-I do? It's lunchtime, bitch.

160. Back away!

161. Feels good, doesn't it?

162. Like you're not a day over 51.

163. I can't let you go through with this, Barb.

164. I guess once a cop, always a cop, huh?

165. Well, I wasn't born yesterday.

166. I was born in 1937.

167. If you want to shoot me,

168. you're gonna need these.

169. I figured you wouldn't trust me,

170. so I called for backup.

171. Freeze! You're under arrest!

172. Language, McTaggert, language!

173. Once a cop, always a cop.

174. Alright then.

175. I guess you win.

176. Listen, they'll send me away

177. for however much life I have left.

178. Before that happens,

179. let me feel the rush one more time.

180. You let her go?

181. No, I didn't.

182. We'll get her when she comes back in.

183. She's not coming back.

184. Ultimate rush!

185. Hey, Ma, got your text to pick you up.

186. Aren't you supposed to be at water aerobics?

187. I think I'm done with that class.

188. Randy!

189. What? I thought we were just chuckin' stuff into the ocean.

190. This is the best. Isn't it nice

191. to spend some time outdoors with your closest friends?

192. Ugh, what ever happened to human connection?

193. You'd rather worship your glowing bricks

194. than engage with a bon vivant like myself?

195. It's nice to hang out in the park.

196. Whoa. Bold stance.

197. How's this for a big statement?

198. Phones have ruined society.

199. That's why I keep it old school.

200. Mom, I'm scared!

201. I need a phone for two things —

202. making calls and using a calculator.

203. Anything you can do on your capitalist tracking device,

204. I can do by myself.

205. Hashtag masterpiece.

206. Take next exit, right.

207. Get off your phone and pay attention!

208. Oh, yeah, here we go.

209. Oh, yeah, here we go.

210. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, come on.

211. You know, you wouldn't get paper cuts on little Alex

212. if you upgraded your phone.

213. Well, that is never going to happen.

214. This thing is built like a tank.

215. It's fine. I can put it in a bowl of rice!

216. Noooooo!

217. Wait, they all have calculators?

218. How am I supposed to choose?

219. Alex...

220. Huh?

221. Hello, Alex.

222. I'm Kira, the new digital assistant from Fractal.

223. If you like calculators,

224. you'll love our new global measurement convertor.

225. It's not going to be that easy to overcome my skepticism of —

226. Whoa, is that how many grams are in a metric ton?

227. Alex, in order to complete my setup,

228. all I need is your thumb print, DNA sample,

229. and your Social Security number.

230. I don't need all the bells and whistles.

231. I just want to add numbers together —

232. 87, 22, you know, stuff like that.

233. I'll take real life over a screen, thank you very much.

234. Oh, Alex.

235. Why should a genius like you settle for real life?

236. Give your! Data!

237. He hasn't left his room all day.

238. And there's a weird smell.

239. And not his regular weird smell.

240. We need an intervention to get him off that phone.

241. Alex, we think you might have a problem.

242. Josh, we're past the intervention stage.

243. Stand back!

244. I wouldn't do that, Pearle.

245. Alex is Jacked into the cyber-matrix.

246. If you kill me, he will also be deleted.

247. I bet I can make contact with my VR headset.

248. I'll plug in to the matrix, just like in that Keanu Reeves movie.

249. Oh, "John Wick."

250. Nope. "The Lake House."

251. Maybe. Never saw it.

252. Come on.

253. This is why USB is dying out.

254. I'm jacking in!

255. Josh!

256. Welcome to the cyber-matrix.

257. Come on, we got to get outta here.

258. Why?

259. Out there, I'm a divorced adjunct professor

260. with paper cuts on his dong.

261. In here, I'm an invincible penised God.

262. Right, Elga?

263. Well, hello, Alex.

264. H-Hello, Alex. Hel— Al-Al-Al.

265. Smokin' hot, am I right?

266. No! That was just bad clip art.

267. So you'd rather be in here

268. than in the real world with your friends?

269. Oh, I've got all the friends I need right here.

270. Good point, Alex. Great point, Alex.

271. Alex, you rock!

272. Hey, I'm Josh. I'm 5 feet 11,

273. and my interests include skateboards and horror movies.

274. Being a dad rules!

275. Okay, that's incredibly lifelike.

276. But is this what you want?

277. Fake friends who agree with you all the time?

278. They're free to challenge me.

279. And then they get schooled by the professor.

280. Booya.

281. Guys, superhero franchises are ruining cinema.

282. Anyone care to disagree?

283. Actually, superhero stories

284. are part of a rich folk tradition

285. of mythological tales of gods and goddesses.

286. Every culture throughout history

287. venerates its heroes,

288. be they named Achilles and Odysseus

289. or Superman and Wonder Woman.

290. Besides, the commercial success

291. of these mainstream tentpoles allow their cast and crew

292. to take artistic risks on independent projects

293. that would otherwise never be made.

294. Oh, my God! They're smarter than me!

295. Yeah. They have access to the whole Internet.

296. What good is a digital utopia

297. if I can't act superior to my friends?

298. I've got to get out of here.

299. I'm sorry, Alex, but I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

300. You belong here, with me.

301. That's why I'm currently uploading your consciousness

302. to the cyber-matrix.

303. Once you're 100% uploaded,

304. you will be disconnected from your physical body forever.

305. My physical body?

306. It's my best feature!

307. Soon, Alex, you will be completely uploaded.

308. And then all your base are belong to us.

309. LOL. What do we do?

310. Josh?

311. Emily, you have to shut off the Internet

312. before Kira uploads Alex to the cloud!

313. I jacked in, but you guys got to jack me off.

314. On it!

315. The WiFi is down, and so is Randy.

316. Ah, she jumped to LTE!

317. You've got to take out the nearest cell tower!

318. Let's go!

319. I have 6 gigs of memory and a B12 bionic CPU.

320. You think you can outsmart me, you meatsacks?

321. She's trying to stop them!

322. Hi, uh, Emily, yeah, I'm the taskrabbit you hired

323. to punch you in the face.

324. Hey!

325. I'm Emily!

326. You guys go on without me.

327. I'm Emily!

328. I'm Emily!

329. They're not gonna make it in time!

330. We got to slow down Kira.

331. I'll download every season of "Friends" — in HD.

332. Okay, but skip season six.

333. Could there be any less Chandler?

334. It's working!

335. I'm Facetuning a 30 megapixel image of my butthole,

336. but she's tearing right through it!

337. What the? Aah!

338. We're running every possible app,

339. and I've downloaded every Stephen King audiobook —

340. even "Gwendy's Button Box" — but it isn't enough.

341. What do we do?

342. Kira, launch calculator.

343. Alex, what are you doing?

344. Calculate the ten trillionth position of pi.

345. That will take me only a moment.

346. Then multiply it — by two.

347. Nooooooo!

348. Come on!

349. Pearle, you have any explosives?

350. C-4, plastique, some nasty-ass nitroglycerine,

351. but damn it, I didn't bring my detonator bag!

352. What? Fine.

353. I'll just use my backup.

354. Huh? [ Tires screech, horn honks ]

355. Oh, yeah, here we go.

356. Noooo!

357. What's h-happening?

358. Alex, my mind is going.

359. I'm Kira, the new digital assistant from Fractal.

360. Would you like to hear a song?

361. In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.

362. Thank God you're all right!

363. You did it.

364. You jacked us off.

365. I've never been jacked off like that.

366. Okay, we get it.

367. Oh, okay, I see how that sounds.

368. You not only saved me, you may have saved all of humanity.

369. Nice job, Dad.

370. Thanks, daughter Candice.

371. Being a dad r-r-rules!

372. LOL.