Clone High 1x8

Donald Faison as George Washington Carver (voice) • Jana Schmieding as Sacagawea (voice)

While Clone High mourns a power couple breakup, Candide and Scudworth hatch a plan to reunite the pair with mandatory sex education, swarthy seamen, and some sensual sax solos.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Spring Break sprung a leak in Joan and JFK's relationship.

2. While Joan and Abe's friendship sprung back to life.

3. Harriet figured out Confucius was her secret admirer.

4. But Confucius doesn't know that she knows.

5. Will he find out that she knows?

6. Will she find out that he knows that she knows?

7. You'll know soon.

8. But will they know that you know

9. that they either know or don't know?

10. Now, we're getting somewhere.

11. We are gathered here today

12. to say a heartbreaking farewell to the most famous teen couple

13. since Juliet and that guy she ghosted, Romeo.

14. Goodbye, JoanFK.

15. Or as we will be known from now on, Joan and JFK.

16. Why?

17. We sure have a lot of funerals.

18. We were gonna go to Canada together!

19. I was gonna say there's something

20. I wanna "poutine" your pants!

21. - CRIES) - Thank you, JFK.

22. Despite our breakup,

23. JFK and I will continue to be dedicated co-parents

24. to our beloved tortoise, Shell Silverstein.

25. As you know, Shell has been with us

26. through the most pivotal moments of this semester.

27. It's not your fault, little man. Your parents love you very much.

28. Just not enough to stay together.

29. Another woman free from the patriarchal shackles

30. of misogynistic courting rituals.

31. Yeah, and Joan is single. And I'm single.

32. And there's potential to mingle and possibly tingle.

33. Wait, you like Joan?

34. Yeah, it's been a secret I practically never talk about

35. to everyone within earshot.

36. RIP, JoanFK.

37. No! They need to see this!

38. which clones have the potential we need to be world leaders.

39. but unfortunately, Confucius is not as wise as we assumed.

40. That means Joan and JFK hold the top two positions.

41. Those aren't the only positions those two are holding.

42. - What are you talking about? - Joan and JFK are dating!

43. We might have a power couple on our hands.

44. This is extremely good news!

45. Maybe there's space for the two of you on this board after all.

46. - Wonderful! - Could be another power couple

47. - brewing right here. - Ugh!

48. Now, what are we ordering for lunch?

49. Somebody fetch me the menu binder!

50. Skipper, we are not doing poke again.

51. Then I don't want to eat.

52. Oh, dear. Joan and JFK broke up.

53. What? No! You heard the Board. They love JoanFK as a couple!

54. There has to be some way to get them back together!

55. - Mr. B, think of a plan! - Uh!

56. Well, my friends in Texas told me

57. that teaching sexual education causes teens to have more sex.

58. We use sex ed to encourage them

59. to have sex and get back together!

60. Don't act like it was your idea, Mr. B.

61. See, this is why people have trouble with robots.

62. It's settled. Let us implement mandatory sexual education!

63. I'll do you one better, Candide. Saxual education!

64. We're almost done sexifying every room,

65. so no matter where Joan and JFK are...

66. they won't be able to resist getting back together.

67. And with my saxophone skills,

68. how could anyone not be in the mood for love?

69. 'Kay, I'm a little rusty.

70. Ah, shit!

71. And meet our new sex-ed teacher,

72. I will be teaching Sexual Education 1-0-1.

73. Wink.

74. Meow! She could inspire anyone to get in the mood.

75. Scudworth! The halls are full of seamen.

76. We're here with the oysters for the students' lunches.

77. Where do you want us seamen dropping our load?

78. Well, for starters, my mouth!

79. Apologies.

80. JFK, I know you're sad about your breakup,

81. but I need your advice.

82. We've been texting for weeks, but Harriet has no idea

83. that I'm @definitelyahotguy69.

84. What if she's totally bummed when she finds out it's me?

85. I can't wait until Confucius tells me the truth,

86. so we can turn our internet love into reality-TV-level love.

87. You know, love that lasts.

88. Harriet texted @definitelyahotguy69.

89. She wants to meet IRL! What do I do?

90. I don't know who IRL is, but you gotta reveal yourself

91. to Harriet before that IRL guy steals her!

92. I need to do an over-the-top elaborate introduction

93. that will totally blow her away. I love it!

94. Yeah, how long should I wait

95. to tell Joan how I feel about her

96. while also giving her time to recover from her breakup?

97. Ten minutes? No, that's way too short.

98. Twelve minutes?

99. As the son of a mother, I know about women.

100. And I think you should give Joan more space.

101. Man, neither one of you know how to talk to women.

102. Y'all just need to be chill.

103. Hey!

104. And I don't usually like fun.

105. - Also me. Farroyo Mest. Uh... - What?

106. What am I saying? I'm, like, "What?"

107. I've never seen you nervous before.

108. You like Cleo. Neener, neener, neener.

109. No, I don't!

110. I don't think she's into me like that.

111. And I'm not nervous, I'm super chill,

112. like always.

113. about these two 18th century countesses,

114. but their love was forbidden.

115. Maybe we could go see it or whatever?

116. Uh.

117. I need to grab some of my stuff from your locker.

118. Of course. Here, let me see.

119. You wore these when we went to Makeout Cove!

120. Named for Ron Makeout, inventor of the 169,

121. the threesome where one guy just stands there.

122. Of course, it's just sex-related stuff.

123. I'm also here for Shell. It's my day to watch him.

124. What's that supposed to mean?

125. Are you saying I'm not a good parent?

126. No. We just agreed

127. that I'd take him to third period, remember?

128. Biology? You're going to expose him to that?

129. - What kind of mother are you? - Um, okay. Look,

130. I know you're still hurting and still processing everything.

131. We'd both be better off if we never saw you again!

132. Well, too bad because Shell belongs to both of us!

133. There is no "us" anymore!

134. So, if I have to lose you then you have to lose Shell!

135. I'll see you in court!

136. No, I'll see you in court! I'm getting custody of our son!

137. Hmm.

138. Remember, cue the finale

139. when I get to the bottom of the stairs. Music!

140. God, I ruined it. I'm sorry.

141. Don't take the tuba off. You don't need to know who I am.

142. I knew you were @definitelyahotguy69 all along.

143. And I still like you.

144. You do? You're not let down?

145. Even after I just super beefed it?

146. I'm the opposite of let down,

147. and I want to shout it from the rooftops!

148. We're a couple!

149. Yes! Let's announce in the most romantic way

150. that teens know how.

151. An unsupervised house party,

152. announcing our relationship to the whole school!

153. Jinx. You owe me a kiss.

154. Lesson number one.

155. As everyone knows, when you have sex with someone,

156. you are having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with.

157. Isn't that hot?

158. For our next exercise,

159. we're gonna put the fake sperm into the fake egg.

160. You'll be partnered up, just like in sex.

161. I'll come up with pairs. The first one is Joan and JFK.

162. - Absolutely not. - I refuse.

163. The rest of you, figure it out.

164. So, what do ya say, Frida? Do you wanna be my partner?

165. I— I already have one! My backpack! Hi, partner!

166. Where's your partner, Abe Lincoln?

167. When everyone made eye contact to pick partners,

168. I was busy looking at the face in the ceiling, Miss Grumbles.

169. - You know... - Uh.

170. Lincoln was my favorite president.

171. - Mine too, Diane! - Blood wasn't the only thing

172. original Abe Lincoln liked to spray around the cheap seats.

173. - How about you stay after class? - Oh, shoot, Diane.

174. Thanks for having my best interests at heart

175. but it's time to tell the girl I always loved that I love her!

176. Why love a girl when you can love a woman

177. who invented the missionary position?

178. Oh, you. What a character! Hmm.

179. if you're a virgin and she's not.

180. But I— Isn't virginity a social construct?

181. Ya know, like brunch?

182. Look, Joan has had a lot of sex with JFK

183. and he's had a lot of sex with everybody,

184. so he's really good at sex.

185. Compared to him, you'll be terrible.

186. Oh, jeez, you're right.

187. Okay, but even if I wanted to get some sexual experience,

188. who would I lose my precious virginity to?

189. Who's had more sex than JFK?

190. Miss Grumbles is perfect!

191. I heard she had sex with Billy Bob Thornton,

192. who had sex with Angelina Jolie, who had sex with Colin Farrell!

193. Don't you wanna be able to have sex like Colin Farrell?

194. I don't know. She's got a lot of experience.

195. - I— I gotta think about it. - Excuse me, young sir.

196. We gotta get these here oysters into the cafeteria

197. and if you don't let us by, we'll find a way.

198. We're the seamen.

199. You're being unreasonable! I'm Shell's mother.

200. Well, I'm his father! And I brought counsel.

201. - I second that emotion! - I also brought counsel.

202. The other head of the debate team.

203. Oh, we're coming for everything you got.

204. A little saxophone

205. Time to address the elephant in the room.

206. You don't even know what you're talking about!

207. - He's a turtle! - He's a tortoise!

208. Joan wants full custody. JFK is not a suitable parent.

209. - He's emotionally volatile— - You take that back!

210. I'm extremely calm, you dumb do-dos!

211. You're not gonna win this, Sacagawea!

212. - I was a debate captain. - Twenty years ago!

213. Your debate skills are like you. Freezer burned.

214. But wow. Your clone mother may have been a guide,

215. but I'm lost... in your eyes.

216. may have been a peanut scientist...

217. - Ugh! - Hmm, that gives me an idea.

218. - Maybe you and I could also— - Are you out of your mind?

219. I'm taking Shell. We're done!

220. I'm aflame! Quick! Pat me with those couch cushions

221. we illegally took the tags off of.

222. I assume they're not... flammable!

223. Rager tonight! My house!

224. Confucius and I are a couple! He's my boyfriend!

225. And she's my girlfriend! We're a thing!

226. Yo! Come destroy my parents' delicate home

227. filled with priceless antiques, everybody!

228. Who has a rager on a Thursday?

229. I have no desire to destroy priceless antiques. Hard pass.

230. Oh, there, buddy!

231. He doesn't know he can't swim.

232. A lot of us try to do things we don't know how to do.

233. It's how we learn to do them.

234. I wish someone could teach me

235. how to handle this breakup with JFK.

236. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

237. Hey, just know, you can do hard things.

238. Because even though you're soft and oogly on the inside,

239. you're strong and hard on the outside.

240. Like Shell, your foster son, who you have proven

241. that you have loved for many weeks now.

242. Thanks for saying that, Abe.

243. Well, maybe tonight, you and I can—

244. I know what I have to do now.

245. You doing what you don't wanna do is inspiring me

246. to do who I don't want to do...

247. but I have to do.

248. For what I want.

249. Huh?

250. Our tortoise son needs his father.

251. Raise him well.

252. We won, buddy boy! We did it!

253. Now, I can tell Abe how I really feel.

254. I have to do this for Joan.

255. So do I.

256. Hi, Miss Grumbles.

257. I'm pretty nervous.

258. Let me put on some modern music to help the mood.

259. It's okay for a teacher and a minor to be together

260. - if it's love. - Uh...

261. But we have to keep this a secret

262. or we'll both go to jail.

263. That's the law, don't bother to look it up.

264. I don't wanna go to jail.

265. I'm a winter, so orange is a no for me.

266. Oh, let me slip something off to feel more comfortable.

267. I can feel all of your previous sexual partners

268. offering me their carnal knowledge.

269. Oh, it's more than I was expecting!

270. So many, it's too many! I'm sorry but I can't do this.

271. Uh, Miss Grumbles?

272. Excuse me.

273. Miss Grumbles, I have the cucumbers

274. you asked for. Ah shit!

275. I love eating oysters.

276. Did you know that they're an aphrodisiac?

277. Uh. Yeah. I— I didn't know you liked oyster eating too.

278. It's crazy. I used to think we were complete opposites.

279. I see now that we have so much in common.

280. Most people are so annoying.

281. But you? I don't know.

282. You're different! I go do karate now!

283. Hey, you and Cleo want to come to our party?

284. I go do karate now!

285. If no one comes to our party, are we even a couple?

286. Uh. Maybe she'll take a flyer after karate.

287. Don't you get it? There is no karate!

288. Both sexual and saxual education were a bust!

289. Joan and JFK are showing

290. Also, the "statutory-rape-

291. death-by-orgasm" situation is very troubling.

292. I'll take care of it.

293. Attention clones, especially Joan and JFK.

294. Do not go to Confucius and Harriet's party and hook up.

295. But we do want them to hook up!

296. An authority figure telling me not to do something?

297. Now, I have to do it!

298. Party horny! Party horny!

299. Uh, yeah. I guess that worked.

300. The trap is set. Now, the fun begins.

301. So, we're not telling the police.

302. I like the way this party is currently going!

303. Babe, our party's a hit!

304. Everyone here is shipping us so hard right now.

305. I can't believe every bedroom's already in use.

306. I'm so proud of us.

307. Joan.

308. Let's talk Grumbles.

309. Sorry, I can't hide my feelings from Joan.

310. I may not have the sexual experience

311. because Miss Grumbles died

312. before we even got past first base,

313. but I have the sexual heart.

314. I don't care if I'm a virgin, I'm gonna tell her how I feel!

315. Not so fast. I wouldn't do that,

316. unless you want me to show her this!

317. Oops. Sorry, monitoring that one for weird edges.

318. Nope. Nope. Yup!

319. Why are you blackmailing me?

320. Ah! You can't say blackmailing! I'm— I'm White leveraging.

321. - Because my true crush is Joan. - What?

322. And if you even think about putting those

323. gangly fingers of yours anywhere near her,

324. I'll show her this!

325. Wrong one, again! I do a lot of White leveraging.

326. Abe?

327. Can we talk?

328. This break up with JFK has really made me think

329. about what's important in life.

330. And you're right up at the top of the list.

331. - Grumbles. - Is there any chance

332. you'd maybe want to hang out sometime, just us?

333. Uh... No! I'm sorry but no.

334. There are reasons but I can't explain them!

335. Oh, sorry, bish. I'm taking up the whole-ass balcony.

336. How do you not want this?

337. JFK, you're an amazing turtle dad.

338. Tortoise dad. I'm a tortoise dad.

339. Joan, I realized Shell's needs are more important than mine

340. - and he needs you. - Wow. You've really grown.

341. You know what else has grown? My big throbbing...

342. - Um... - ... heart.

343. Sorry, the breakup got so ugly.

344. I felt like I was just hurting, but we both were.

345. - Wanna share custody? - Aw, JFK.

346. Oh, Joan. Oh, I knew we weren't over.

347. Oh, no, JFK. I— I'm still attracted to you, of course,

348. but I— I think, maybe, we're meant for other people.

349. if I go have meaningless sex with the Brontë sisters.

350. But it will bring me no joy.

351. Well, fleeting joy, three separate times.

352. But that's it. Fare thee well, Joan.

353. Fare thee well.

354. Ah! Go for it.

355. Joan and JFK are officially done-zo.

356. Stupid saxophone!

357. Your perverted plan was never gonna work

358. - in the first place. - My plan?

359. - I did— - I'll just tell the Board

360. you blew it again, Scudworthless.

361. My knee is broken! I can see bone!

362. You should really get more calcium.

363. Party's over. Hose 'em down!

364. Wet T-shirt contest!