Clone High 1x7

Donald Faison as George Washington Carver (voice) • Jana Schmieding as Sacagawea (voice)

After the clones find themselves stranded in the desert, JFK experiences a heat-induced intellectual breakthrough, Abe faces a zombie horde, and Scudworth and Mr. B hit the big-time in Vegas.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Previously, on a very special Clone High.

2. While Joan was having a Psylly Legs attack,

3. JFK kissed Harriet behind her back.

4. Abe caught them in the act, but he didn't say jack,

5. even though he and Joan made a solid pact,

6. that Abe would never hide information like that.

7. So when Joan learned the facts, her heart turned black,

8. and Abe felt the impact.

9. But Joan and Abe still have lots to unpack.

10. In other news, I got a rhyming dictionary

11. and I love it.

12. Spring Break! Spring Break!

13. Spring Break! Spring Break!

14. Confucius here, casting live from Spring Break.

15. We are going to the wettest

16. and wildest place of all time.

17. Arroyo Fest!

18. But due to flash flood warnings in effect,

19. participants may never enter the Arroyo.

20. Boo!

21. But nothing bad happens on Spring Break.

22. You all right there, Abe-opotamus?

23. Oh, I'm fine. Yeah, just, you know, lost my BFF.

24. Now, everyone knows that Spring Break

25. is all about their besties,

26. hanging out with their best bestie.

27. Uh, looks like she found a new bestie, bro.

28. Shrimp, the ultimate bus food.

29. And we're still moving.

30. Hey, the most popular girl in school, Frida!

31. You look excited.

32. Arroyo Fest is about to be popping, G!

33. My favorite artist of all time will be performing,

34. teenage pop sensation, Mila Brûlée!

35. Whoa, wait, you like Mila Brûlée?

36. But she's so mainstream.

37. I started listening to her ironically, like,

38. "This is how I would act if I liked this crappy music."

39. But now, I actually do like her crappy music.

40. Get over here, girl. Let's talk Brûlée!

41. Mila Brûlée... Well I became

42. a third wheel real quick.

43. - Harriet! You stoked for A-Fest? - Heck, yes, I'm stoked.

44. Okay, backstory!

45. So there's this guy on Insta who has been commenting

46. on all my posts.

47. And he's gonna be at Arroyo Fest.

48. So if you're listening to this, @definitelyahotguy69,

49. just know. I will find you, my love! DM me.

50. Lucky guy.

51. Arroyo Fest!

52. - Hey, babe. - Yeah, babe?

53. You know, since Abe and I aren't talking anymore...

54. would you like to go with me

55. to the Kara Walker exhibit next week?

56. Her work is just so deep.

57. Oh, I love deep things, like swimming pools

58. and your vagina.

59. Well, uh, thank you.

60. But I'd really like to get to know more about you,

61. like— like the real JFK.

62. Like, who's your favorite artist?

63. I like the one that does the paintings

64. with the boobies.

65. Okay, you know, what? It's a start.

66. Oh, snap. We're right by Arroyo Fest!

67. Arroyo! Arroyo! Arroyo!

68. Arroyo! Arroyo! Arroyo!

69. We're really doin' it, y'all!

70. My bus shrimp!

71. No! My shrimp is sandy!

72. My phone! All the phones! They've been murdered!

73. Arroyo no go, go!

74. Attention, clones,

75. it appears we are now stranded in the desert

76. with only a limited supply of water, first aid kits,

77. and Cool Ranch Doritos.

78. Mr. B and I will do the responsible thing

79. of finding help.

80. So we'll be taking all the supplies and leaving.

81. And reminder,

82. never go into Arroyo's

83. because you can get swept away by flash floods, okay? Toodles!

84. Ugh, I'm gonna go work on my tan.

85. My head machine feels hot!

86. JFK, are you okay?

87. My brain is, er, uh, biggening.

88. Something is coming out of my ear!

89. Did JFK just pronounce an "R"?

90. He— he did.

91. JFK, can you say "Kara Walker"?

92. Kara Walker. Kara Walker.

93. What the...

94. Out of the way, Confucius. I'll perform CPR.

95. As a woke straight male ally, let me put my lips

96. on this unconscious Black woman

97. to show how woke and straight I am.

98. Ugh!

99. No, no, no! We crashed!

100. I'll never meet @definitelyahotguy69 now!

101. The drama!

102. Oh, and my ankle's twisted.

103. Don't mind me,

104. I'll just die here.

105. Does anyone have a Band-Aid?

106. Guys, don't worry. We'll get through this.

107. We just need to stick together.

108. No! We are not missing Mila Brûlée.

109. I've got a crazy idea. We've got legs, we can use them,

110. and go there, walking style.

111. Oh, can I come with?

112. The sight of Joan is a constant reminder

113. of how she wants me out of her sight.

114. - I feel for you, Aberino, but— - Wait.

115. It would be much easier to see the stage at Arroyo Fest

116. if we had some shoulders to sit on.

117. Yo, stretch!

118. - You're in. - Really? Hot dog!

119. You guys aren't leaving, are you?

120. Because there are a lot

121. of desert cannibals out there in these parts.

122. Uh, I appreciate you looking out,

123. but it's only the desert.

124. Oh, there's no hope, Mr. B! I'm tired, I'm hungry,

125. - and I'm lost! - At least we can die together.

126. Shut up, Mr. B, you know I'd rather die alone!

127. Oh, my! Is that the Eiffel Tower?

128. Because it must be a mirage if it's right next to a building

129. that says "New York, New York"

130. with New York's famous roller coaster.

131. Vegas!

132. Oh, Joan, darling, perhaps we could use stones

133. to write "Help" in Morse code.

134. That's a great idea. We— Wait, you thought of that?

135. With that "man who reads The New Yorker" accent?

136. Ah, I know what's occurring, my dear muse.

137. I come from a long line of block-headed men.

138. You see, my cranium is gigantic, allowing extra room for my brain

139. to knock around in. In the heat of the desert,

140. it expands like a popover,

141. which allows it to grow to its full potential

142. in my massive skull.

143. It's science and it checks out.

144. Ooh, that's some good articulation.

145. How about this for articulation?

146. and connect with you emotionally

147. and intellectually, while humming to your favorite

148. 21-hour-long Philip Glass track,

149. lo-fi haunted goat screams.

150. Oh, I feel so supported. Hmm. Emotionally.

151. But we're still gonna have sex, right?

152. Hmm. Like jungle cats.

153. Now, let's write this Morse code together.

154. My dream man!

155. Dash, dash, dash. Dot, dot, dot.

156. JFK, it worked!

157. It worked!

158. Great Morse code! We're here to rescue you.

159. Is this your full party?

160. Not all of them.

161. Oh, I'm so sorry!

162. We're gonna swing back around in two hours,

163. and if your whole party isn't all here by then,

164. you're gonna have to find an alternative rescue chopper,

165. okay? Good luck. But seriously, great Morse code.

166. Wow. Hot genius, I think I know how we can contact the others.

167. What do you know about GPS?

168. I know as much about GPS as I do about the human condition,

169. Let's get the fuck home.

170. Ah! Las Vegas, where everything sparkles.

171. Mr. B, there's sure to be a telephone

172. on the other side of this door

173. that we can use to call for help.

174. Those are animals. Good luck.

175. Play a song, you idiot!

176. We need music! Open your laptop

177. - and make a noise! - Excuse me, uh, party people,

178. does anyone have a telephone we could use?

179. Mr. B, the crowd is turning on us.

180. - We have to get out of here. - Don't worry, I got this.

181. All this music follows a simple formula... Wesley.

182. Mr. B, we've done it. It's a hit!

183. Should we go save the clones now?

184. Nah!

185. Even though everyone lost their phones,

186. so long as we can rewire the motherboard,

187. we can redirect the GPS signal to contact the smartwatch...

188. that Frida always wears.

189. And that should give them time to return

190. before the helicopter.

191. - Speaking of flying. - Mm-hmm.

192. Have you ever seen the obscure Maya Darren film,

193. - Meshes of the Afternoon? - Mm-hmm. Well, of course I have!

194. Kiss me now!

195. My love, your lips taste like a fine chalice,

196. full of the sweetest, uh, wet stuff.

197. Wait, what was that?

198. A fine chalice of the sweetest nectar.

199. - Everything all right, darling? - Yeah, yeah.

200. Of course, it was nothing.

201. Oh, no.

202. It is so good not to be looking at Joan or thinking of Joan,

203. or talking about Joan.

204. I know this is hard to hear. But just stop being stubborn.

205. - And apologize. - Me? Apologize? To Joan?

206. Uh, she should be apologizing to me

207. for having to keep that secret.

208. Guys, it's so hot.

209. Let's just take cover in that old, abandoned Miata.

210. Hey, if you all need to take a break. Sure. Why not?

211. Psst, Frida.

212. It just made me think about her in a way

213. that I didn't think about her before.

214. You know, I feel so hopeless.

215. For a long time, I...

216. Hello? Cleo? Frida?

217. How long was I crying?

218. Frida?

219. Oh, there you are.

220. Don't go that way!

221. That's it.

222. We did it. We can send a signal!

223. We have to contact Frida now. Send it, JFK!

224. Perhaps they're in a spot with bad reception.

225. Don't worry, love. We'll try again in ten minutes.

226. Could I just, maybe, borrow that for a second?

227. I wanna let @definitelyahotguy69 know why I'm late.

228. It's like I could slide down his body

229. - and just keep going. - That's clearly photoshopped.

230. Harriet, darling... you're being catfished.

231. No, no, no. That can't be.

232. Uh, sure, he always cancels our meetups last minute

233. and his camera never works when we FaceTime. Oh, fuck me!

234. I'm too smart to be catfished.

235. Harriet, it's always the trailblazers

236. who blaze past the red flags.

237. So comforting, Joan. Thank you.

238. Come on, Harriet.

239. I said thank you! Oh.

240. You got signal? I have this weird thing

241. where if I don't check my social meeds,

242. I kinda break down...

243. Hmm. I hear you, Confucius.

244. And we do have eight more minutes, so, uh,

245. let's keep talking about your feelings.

246. Oh, please, yes!

247. There, there. Tears are truth's elixir.

248. Here's a new concoction, straight from my lab!

249. I am a real boy!

250. Who's getting on this hog tonight?

251. I don't know, Mr. B, it's all the same to me now.

252. I need something new to stick up my nose.

253. Maybe money can solve our problems.

254. Ooh, let's snort that.

255. Oh, yeah.

256. This is some good shit.

257. Oh, yeah!

258. Yeah!

259. This is Vegas, baby!

260. and when my rich parents jet set around the world,

261. there's always one thing they forget to pack...

262. Well, this has been a very productive session.

263. - Now, Joan, it's time. - Send it, JFK!

264. This should hold until they get tired

265. and fall asleep. Uh, zombies sleep, right?

266. Don't worry, maybe we can try a—

267. Oh, sorry.

268. Interesting, that raincloud passed through the sunlight.

269. Meaning the temperature must've momentarily dropped,

270. causing my brain to freeze up again.

271. - Oh, damn! - It's gonna be okay.

272. We'll stay in the sun forever.

273. My darling, the earth's rotation—

274. I know how the Earth works. We'll be okay.

275. We'll be much better than okay.

276. My brain will concoct— I said cocked!

277. What? The sun!

278. No, no! Oh, this is worse than I thought.

279. Okay, we've gotta keep JFK warm.

280. Not lukewarm like the fries at In-N-Out.

281. I'm talking warm warm.

282. You mean hot?

283. Yes! Sacagawea. Hot!

284. Now, who's with me? You better be with me!

285. You help me save my hot, intelligent,

286. and emotionally available boyfriend now!

287. Okay, you two get outta here.

288. I got enough meat to keep them occupied

289. for a while. Now when you find the others,

290. tell Joan I died the way I lived, protecting my friends

291. - and never apologizing for it. - We're all getting out of this.

292. We gotta climb.

293. Climb, climb.

294. What do we climb? Uh, I mean, right.

295. Okay, that tickles. Oh! That's not a step.

296. Who touched my butt?

297. Where can we take JFK that's hot?

298. We gotta keep his head warm and his IQ up.

299. Huh! The sun's actually making her paler.

300. There! We have to go in the Arroyo!

301. Isn't that where we're not supposed to go?

302. I don't care! I already lost one male best friend.

303. I am not losing another.

304. I've got to save this JFK!

305. Warm him up. I'll do my thing.

306. Butt.

307. It's not working. We need more butts.

308. Come on, Harriet!

309. JFK needs our butts to sit on his face to keep it warm.

310. No! Leave me.

311. I would rather freeze to death

312. than stay alive as a fool who thought she found love.

313. Wait, what?

314. @definitelyahotguy69 was a lie.

315. If I'm dumb enough to be catfished,

316. I won't ever find love or make it big.

317. Oh, my God, there's nothing to live for!

318. I hear you. But there's plenty to live for,

319. like all those sunsets you love.

320. Or those high angle pics of pies.

321. Oh, and what about those squirrel memes

322. you posts on 'Squirrel Saturdays'?

323. They're so good.

324. Especially with that caption you always use, it's like,

325. "I'm a nut for nuts."

326. It kills me!

327. How would he know all that?

328. Unless, @definitelyahotguy69 is—

329. Hey! I need butts over here!

330. Big ones, regular ones,

331. - warm butts, now! - We gotta go, Harriet!

332. Yeah!

333. - Wow! - Wow!

334. - Ooh! - Huh?

335. Oh! Ow! Ow!

336. Where— where am I?

337. Wait a minute! We never went to Vegas.

338. It was a mirage after all.

339. We must have passed out due to heat exhaustion, Wesley.

340. I'm sorry for snorting you up.

341. - Me, too. - Look at us,

342. dying in the desert like a couple of goofs.

343. I can leave if you still prefer dying alone.

344. Yes, thank you, Mr. B. But in a minute.

345. All right, Genghis, I think that's enough.

346. Come on, smart JFK, stay with me.

347. I have one final wish.

348. It's clear you're meant to be

349. with someone who's more than a consensual

350. sexual intercourse partner,

351. someone you can both be in bed with

352. and be in mental bed with.

353. For I will never break up with you.

354. Alas, you must break up with me.

355. No, I can't! I won't lose you!

356. There's one last thing I must say.

357. What is it, JFK?

358. You must sit on my face!

359. Sex joke.

360. You guys hear that?

361. I know, funny, right, Joan? What?

362. Oh, babe? Are your, er, uh, eyes peeing?

363. Hmm?

364. That will cause a flash flood,

365. and we're in the Arroyo. That is exactly what not to do.

366. No! Don't eat me!

367. Don't eat me! Wait a minute.

368. You aren't cannibalistic zombies?

369. You're just drunk, old, leathery people

370. in loose vacation wear?

371. Hey, we're not old. We're 31, we just love the sun.

372. Well, you look older, like, uh, 43.

373. And we're not people, we're divorcees.

374. You see, we broke up with our partners

375. and best friends who are all stubborn

376. and wanted us to apologize.

377. We left them to roam the desert, where we eat chips and guac,

378. and drink sneaky margs at art galleries.

379. Got this for only 7,000 dollars.

380. But why were you chasing us?

381. We just wanted to invite you to our art show.

382. Maybe it is better to apologize to your best friend,

383. even though you know you're right.

384. I need to get to Arroyo Fest right now.

385. Arroyo Fest? Why didn't you say that?

386. All Arroyos lead to the Fest.

387. Oh, just catch the 5:47 flash flood.

388. Should be coming in soon.

389. Bye-bye.

390. - Arroyo Fest! - Finally!

391. I'm gonna debut my cover

392. of the hottest song on the charts right now.

393. The songwriters are currently missing.

394. This goes out to them.

395. We love you, Mila!

396. Sorry, ladies, got a little case of the accordion legs.

397. It's all grizzy. Cleo and I got this.

398. Oh, my God. It's been, like, a few hours.

399. I've probably got so many messages.

400. Oh, your boy is back, baby!

401. Hey, Joan.

402. I'm sorry, I didn't tell you about JFK and Harriet earlier.

403. As your best friend, I should have known better.

404. And hopefully, one day, we can become friends again.

405. But until then, I bid you adieu.

406. Wow, that's really emotionally intelligent.

407. You can learn a lot from divorcees.

408. Hey, Abe, you wanna be friends again?

409. I would love nothing more. And I have so much

410. - I want to tell— - Hey, is your whole party here?

411. Yes, my whole party is here. God, she's such a bitch.

412. Well, what are we waiting for then?

413. Let's get you folks home.

414. Hey! Let's join the Mile High Club, hey?

415. Maybe I can copter a feel of your breasts.

416. - Whoa! Still got it! - Sure thing, babe. Sure thing.