Clone High 1x4

1. Huh? What?

2. It can't be. The stone of eternal servitude!

3. Yes! A gem fit for a king.

4. - I want it. - No!

5. This is the most powerful force in the universe.

6. And it must never fall into the wrong hands.

7. Ladies and gentlemen of the Board of Shadowy Figures.

8. I present to you the most powerful force in the universe.

9. - Give me! - The inscription warns

10. that the crown is deadly in the wrong hands,

11. and must only be worn by nobility.

12. Fucking bullshit.

13. Luckily, homecoming is approaching

14. and we'll crown our king and queen.

15. With them as our puppet, that power is ours.

16. And you're sure it's going to work?

17. Of course.

18. Scudworth has assured me that nothing can go wrong.

19. Say what now? I heard my name.

20. Very well then. If we want to take over the world,

21. we have to break a few eggs.

22. This is all riding on you, Scudworth.

23. Ah! But I didn't—

24. Let homecoming begin.

25. Damn! This float's gonna be goat!

26. Do you think there's enough corporate diarrhea splatter?

27. Never.

28. What a fun homecoming float.

29. You're capturing all the joys of a high school football game.

30. No, this is the Art Club float.

31. I'm so excited because people really care

32. about issues these days, so we're using homecoming

33. to make a thought-provoking statement

34. about corruption and corporate greed.

35. It's gonna be a hoot. Homecoming!

36. The only float I care about is you, Joan,

37. because you float my boat.

38. And by boat, I mean penis. And by float, I also mean penis.

39. - You penis my penis. - Oh, you two!

40. Terrible!

41. Vote for me.

42. I've got everything you need to be homecoming queen.

43. I'm a total ten with the best bod.

44. Plus, I'm giving out pumpkin spice lattes.

45. I'll take one.

46. That one's not for me. Okay.

47. Pumpkin mixed with coffee? What has the world come to?

48. - I'll have one. - I'll have one, too.

49. They're still doing homecoming court?

50. That's so last century. What's next?

51. The Electric Slide, or the Macarena, or the—

52. "Instructional Boogie." Everyone's favorite song.

53. Whoo! This is everyone's favorite song.

54. What is happening?

55. It's time for everyone's favorite song,

56. "The Instructional Boogie," which means this song has lyrics

57. that will tell you exactly what to do.

58. Well, what are we waiting for?

59. Cleo! Cleo, I'll take one.

60. Is that everyone? Does anyone else need a latte?

61. Me. Am I invisible or something?

62. Hey, Joan, vote for me for homecoming queen.

63. Want some pumpkin spice in your mouth hole?

64. No, thanks. My homecoming is an opportunity

65. to shine light onto the broken justice system.

66. - That's fun too. - I'm sorry,

67. is your mind also flat-chested?

68. Ow! But, thanks. I'll take it.

69. The world may have changed, but there's one thing

70. that hasn't. Homecoming queens are still totally cute.

71. That's why I'm gonna win.

72. I don't need songs to tell me when to dip.

73. I'll dip when I damn well please.

74. You think you're better than me, but looks like your boyf

75. is picking up what I'm putting down.

76. man from the radio!

77. Did you see Cleo campaigning for homecoming queen?

78. She's so shameless. I mean, take it down a notch.

79. Hmm. Kind of seems like you and Cleo

80. are like my dad's favorite meal. All beef.

81. All I'm saying is, she's a horrible person.

82. We can't put her on a pedestal. Trust me.

83. I've lived there before. Nobody wants that.

84. Well, her foamy lattes disagree.

85. Oh, this drink is good.

86. - I love Cleo. - It's like pie but you drink it.

87. You don't get it. She's just... the worst!

88. She's toxic. Her, um,

89. lattes are made from, uh, child labor.

90. Is that true?

91. Yes.

92. Not only that, the kids work in the spice mines

93. under horrible conditions.

94. And the pumpkins

95. are blood pumpkins, which is a real thing.

96. Okay, disgusting.

97. Assemble the masses.

98. It's the moment you've all been waiting for.

99. This year's homecoming king

100. is inexplicably popular, and so lovably dumb,

101. and hot in a way that your parents approve of.

102. Aw, shucks.

103. But not a piece of total human garbage.

104. Oh, come on.

105. Our king is JFK!

106. Oh, my God. I'm the king of coming!

107. At home! Let me grab my staff, and the family jewels.

108. Scepter? I hardly know her. Ah! It's the friggin' best.

109. And now, the real moment we've all been waiting for.

110. This year's homecoming queen is, clap your hands for Joan of Arc.

111. What?

112. - This can't be happening. - This can't be happening.

113. My queen, take a royal selfie with me.

114. Would you sign my nut?

115. - My queen! Sign my nut. - Sign my nut.

116. We're homecoming royalty!

117. Two beautiful young people ruling the world,

118. parading around in an open convertible.

119. What could go wrong?

120. Everything. Just 'cause I didn't want Cleo to win,

121. doesn't mean I should. No one should be queen.

122. Just enjoy it. You're so selfless

123. and honest, Joan. You deserve this.

124. No, you get off the stage. I want a recount.

125. Congrats, Joan. Turns out,

126. nobody wants to vote for a pumpkin murderer.

127. Pumpkin murderer.

128. Cleo...

129. Well anyway, thanks for the tip, Joan.

130. And now, we will crown our queen,

131. as we slowly and deliberately

132. placed the crown onto her head in ten, nine, eight, seven...

133. My clone foster daughter is going to wear the crown.

134. I'm so proud. The most powerful force in the universe

135. will be living under my roof.

136. And the board will give me credit for it. That's a real win

137. - for the Scudman. - Ugh.

138. One and a half, one and one quarter.

139. One and a fifth.

140. I actually have to go to the bathroom.

141. Cleo?

142. - Are you crying? - I'm not crying.

143. I'm just leaking anger.

144. It really seems like you're crying.

145. Of course, I'm crying.

146. You're so plain, and I'm super-hot.

147. And yet, people voted for you.

148. Being queen is the one thing I cared about, but you just

149. - couldn't let me have that. - Look, I don't even care

150. about this stupid, basic,

151. pointless, merely symbolic crown.

152. I mean, if you want it so bad, take it.

153. I'm out of here!

154. Now, I have the power.

155. Hmm?

156. I'm beautiful.

157. People, we're ready for the parade.

158. - Where's my homecoming queen? - I'm right here.

159. You're not the queen, Joan is.

160. She's redefining female popularity

161. with her feminist takes on justice reform.

162. And we need to get her on the float, okay? Stat!

163. But I am the queen. You need me on the float, stat.

164. Yeah, I do, you hot bitch.

165. Get that slammin' booty on my float.

166. That's more like it.

167. Wait, is that pumpkin spice latte?

168. Ew. Ugh, gross. Ugh, disgusting.

169. Oh, the worst thing I've ever— One more taste.

170. Abe! Where are you going?

171. I'm going to see Cleo on her fly parade float.

172. She's the hottest girl in school.

173. A total ten with the best bod. Now, talk to the hand.

174. Wait, why are you talking like Cleo?

175. And why are you wearing a crop top and gaucho pants?

176. Because it's cute. Bye!

177. - This is an utter disaster! - Yeah, I don't know

178. what you're gonna tell the Board.

179. I'd hate to be in your shoes.

180. Quit bickering. We have to stop Cleo

181. before she does that thing where the usurper to the throne

182. bends everyone to her will and rules with an iron fist.

183. He's right. We just have to stay calm and...

184. be total tens with the best bod.

185. Oh! Cleopatra, comin' atcha!

186. That float is the bomb dot com.

187. Can you believe it took over 10,000 orchids to build it?

188. - It's so hot. - So hot.

189. - So hot. - Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot,

190. - hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. - Wait, what?

191. Here they come now,

192. your homecoming queen and her king! Cleo and JFK!

193. What is going on?

194. That's my boyfriend. Why is he acting so strange?

195. I am not a strange.

196. - I am a normal. - I know you're in there, JFK.

197. Uh, I don't—I don't want to beat around the bush.

198. Maybe it's just hard for you.

199. I wanna beat something hard around your bush.

200. Help me, Joanie. Help me!

201. I'm hopelessly devoted to Cleo.

202. I am no longer a fan of sexual puns.

203. He's mine now, Joanie.

204. I've turned him and I'm gonna turn you too.

205. That float's gonna hit me.

206. In a few minutes.

207. Grab my hand, Joan, I'll save you.

208. Wait. You're not under Cleo's spell

209. - like everyone else? - Um, I guess

210. she doesn't really know I exist, which was bumming me out.

211. - But now I see the benefits. - We've got to fix this.

212. Come on, Confucius.

213. All right, Cleo will never find us in the library,

214. because she doesn't know it exists.

215. I feel your pain, library. What's that smell?

216. - Um, books? - Weird.

217. Are they all on paper like that? Uh, fire hazard.

218. Focus, Confucius. We have to figure out

219. how to take down Cleo.

220. She won't stop until she destroys me.

221. Why does Cleo hate you so much? What did you do to her?

222. What? Me? I didn't do anything.

223. She has been a mean girl ever since we were kids.

224. It's actually just sad and basic.

225. Yeah, but isn't it kind of basic of you to call her basic?

226. Hey, I was frozen for 20 years. I just started using that word.

227. Let me enjoy it. Now, help me take that basic bitch down.

228. You're the clone of Confucius, think of something wise.

229. Oh, I'm not wise like my clone father.

230. But I will say, maybe it's time to disrupt the negativity cycle

231. with Cleo, we'll just kill her with kindness.

232. You're right. We should kill her.

233. Ah! Joan. I, er, uh, have been looking all over for you.

234. Thank God, I found you totally alone

235. in an empty library.

236. - Seriously? - JFK! Thank God, you're free.

237. Yeah, we're free to take you to our hella hot queen, Cleo.

238. No, I'm taking Joan to our hello hot queen, Cleo.

239. JFK! Abe! Stop! I'm trying to help you.

240. I won't let them take you.

241. Wow, they're strong.

242. And then she told me to pick a color for my toes,

243. and I was just like, "Uh, duh, as if."

244. I'm just doing a clear coat, you stupid manicurist.

245. You are the most beautiful

246. and fascinating person I've ever met.

247. - Tell us again. - Of course.

248. So anyway, I'd already picked this slammin' neutral.

249. We, er, uh, come bearing a gift, Your Majesty.

250. Well, if it isn't Joan of Barf.

251. I bet you hate me too, right? You're like, that guy sucks.

252. That gives me an idea.

253. Maybe you can sneak up on her and steal the crown.

254. You're basically invisible.

255. That's uh, extremely hurtful, but yeah, I'll try.

256. So Joan, any last words?

257. Uh, yes. Actually, yes. I have so many words.

258. Gosh, where to begin?

259. I guess I'll list them, alphabetically.

260. Um, aardvark. That's double A.

261. All right. Answer. Ask.

262. Ass.

263. Eyes on me, Cleopatra. You don't have to do this.

264. No, no, you can be good and make better choices. Yes.

265. I always try to take the high road.

266. Well, technically you started the rumor about Cleo's lattes

267. that made everyone vote for you instead of her.

268. - What? - Now you hear him?

269. Grab the crown, Confucius.

270. You started that rumor?

271. - Ow! My ribs. - Why would people listen to you

272. with your poetry, and politics, and caring about stuff?

273. People never used to like that junk?

274. Well, they do now. Give me the crown.

275. You didn't want it. You don't get to have it back.

276. Especially after you started that pumpkin rumor

277. so people would throw pumpkins in my face.

278. No, that's not how it happened at all.

279. I'm a good person.

280. - No, you're not. - Little tight.

281. And now, you're gonna have to suffer as you watch

282. everyone around you turn into the thing

283. you hate the most. Me!

284. - No. Not Confucius. - Yes! I feel seen.

285. It's gonna be homecoming forever.

286. No surprise. Cleo has some slammin' moves.

287. She's no poser when it comes to dancing, Cinnamon.

288. Looks like the robot has to rescue the exiled queen

289. in order to save the school. If I had a nickel.

290. Joan, looks like you're a little tied up.

291. - No time for jokes. - No. Don't help me.

292. I'm a horrible person. Confucius was right.

293. I've been just as bad to Cleo as she is to me.

294. I deserved my punishment of listening

295. to "The Instructional Boogie" on an endless loop.

296. The irony is, I actually kind of like this song.

297. I just didn't want to admit it.

298. Admitting your truth is the first step.

299. It did feel kind of good to say it out loud.

300. Now, embrace it. Embrace your truth.

301. I am chained to a post.

302. Just twist my wrist till I shimmy on out.

303. Whoa! My truth is setting me free.

304. Now, maybe it can repair your relationship with Cleo.

305. You're right.

306. I have to bare my soul to her, no matter how scary that is.

307. Because with truth on my side, I can do anything. I can fly!

308. You can't fly, but you have the power to change your story

309. with Cleo.

310. Don't look at me, I oiled myself.

311. - Just go to the dance. - Thanks, Mr. B.

312. Joan, I banished you to the Football Field Realm.

313. Back to the grass with your flat ass. Get her!

314. You'll never get past

315. my choreographed attackers, Joanie.

316. You can't fight someone who is also getting down

317. to "The Instructional Boogie."

318. We can't stop her as she moving the same way as us.

319. But you hate "The Instructional Boogie."

320. Actually, I don't. It's kind of grown on me.

321. I think she's making chicken posole.

322. Eat pumpkin spice latte!

323. I don't hate pumpkin spice lattes.

324. And I don't hate homecoming.

325. And I don't hate you!

326. Ew.

327. Stop! That's my crown.

328. Well, I thought we could split!

329. - No. I need my butt implants. - No, you don't, Cleo.

330. People like you just the way you are.

331. - Kill Cleo. - You suck.

332. You gave me bangs. - She does know I exist, though.

333. She made me wear a crop top.

334. No one should have to see my bare, long torso.

335. Hang on, hold on. This isn't all on Cleo.

336. I did the wrong thing when I told the lie

337. about the pumpkin spice lattes.

338. Those lattes were sourced ethically.

339. Um, yeah, they totally were.

340. What I'm saying is, Cleo may have been

341. the ultimate mean girl, but I was the basic mean girl

342. who started it and I'm sorry.

343. Just like, I'm sure Cleo's sorry for everything that she did.

344. I am? I'm like, really sorry

345. that I used the homecoming crown for evil instead of good,

346. since it's literally the most important thing to me.

347. Mm-hmm.

348. I hope you'll all consider voting for me next year.

349. - We will. - Everybody makes mistakes.

350. Homecoming's weird. Huh. We'll see.

351. Thanks for doing that.

352. All I did was tell the truth. And to be honest,

353. I'm really glad we aren't enemies anymore.

354. Oh, my God, Joan. Obsessed with me much?

355. Oh, I'm so glad to have you back, Joanie.

356. Oh, I missed your reasonably-sized boobies.

357. And I missed your unreasonably-sized booty.

358. - Is my hair freaking you out? - Don't call attention to it.

359. What happened? What year is it?

360. My God, look at this place.

361. The Board is not going to be happy.

362. You're gonna blame it all on me? What do I do? What do I do?

363. Listen.