Clone High 1x3

1. Previously, on a very special Clone High.

2. Abe Lincoln was about to profess his love

3. for Joan of Arc, but JFK got there first.

4. Now, Joan and JFK are hot and heavy,

5. while Abe's feelings for Joan

6. remain bottled up, deep down inside.

7. They say, "Contents under pressure may explode."

8. And pressure is Clone High's middle name.

9. Don't believe me? Check the birth certificate.

10. Um, guys, guys, hello? Uh, gang, hey,

11. you're on my notes, and my lap.

12. Harriet, sorry.

13. Mm, not sure how we ended up here.

14. Did we roll all the way from my car?

15. Way to go, us.

16. Maybe we should go make out on that bench over there, hon,

17. the one where everyone is studying.

18. Or by the tree over there,

19. where everyone is studying.

20. With all these dweebs studying,

21. you can't even tell who the nerds are anymore.

22. Why is everyone so anxious about a test?

23. Are you kidding me? Pre-midterms are so important.

24. With grade inflation, an A-minus is basically a B-plus

25. and a B-plus is a one-way ticket to a B-minus life.

26. And if I'm not careful,

27. I could end up a basic, normal wine mom,

28. who says things like, "Mama needs her Chardonnay."

29. Oh, God!

30. Okay, you have to relax.

31. You know what keeps my mind off stuff like that?

32. My boy-toy, JFK. No stress, just fun.

33. That's what high school's all about.

34. Speaking of fun, I got something

35. I wanna pull out.

36. Um, not here, babe. This necklace.

37. - What? - See, together,

38. your name plus my name makes "JoanFK."

39. It's a work of art

40. that symbolizes the unquestioned permanence

41. of high school relationships.

42. Uh... JoanFK is so heavy.

43. What if, by wearing this necklace,

44. I lose my individual identity and get stuck in a relationship

45. where I never get through a TV series

46. because we have to watch every single episode together.

47. Then we start ordering one dessert...

48. - Huh? Ah. - ... and sharing it,

49. and I never get my own molten lava cake again!

50. And you're humping my leg.

51. Sharing a name with JFK doesn't seem like something

52. Joan would do.

53. And I should know, being her best friend

54. and secretly in love with her.

55. JoanFK is better than the other option, JFKoan.

56. It's just that I love Joan, and I want her to be happy.

57. But if she's happy with JFK,

58. then she'll never wanna be with me!

59. I'd just be standing by,

60. watching them have the best life

61. while I get older and older, and older, all alone,

62. with those gross, yellow fingernails

63. that need to be clipped, and no one ever tells me!

64. Oh, geez. Frida!

65. Thankfully, I'm hot enough

66. that I don't have to worry about stuff like grades.

67. The only pencil I need is this one.

68. It's empty!

69. Okay, don't panic, just order more.

70. No! It's discontinued!

71. Oh, God! Oh, God!

72. What if my looks don't last forever?

73. What if the woman I love is happier with someone else?

74. What if I never have a career,

75. and end up naming my kids Drayden and Clayden?

76. Why did I sign my name like that?

77. "JoanFK de Kennedarc"? Who am I anymore?

78. I expected a better response

79. from Joan for the necklace.

80. Is it too small? I should've got a bigger one.

81. Phase two of "Operation Spread Eagle"

82. where we manufacture a mental health crisis

83. to see who breaks... has begun.

84. Yes. And can we all acknowledge that my idea of pre-midterms

85. really got the stress ball rolling?

86. It's pathetic when you beg for credit.

87. In a good way?

88. Get cracking on the end-of-the-week

89. super stressor.

90. The mandatory Broad Daylight Swimsuit Dance.

91. I want the air-conditioning turned way up

92. to make nipples an issue.

93. Isn't she something?

94. Her confident, passionless voice.

95. The way her jaw clicks when she talks

96. because she clearly grinds her teeth

97. to the nub every night.

98. Clearly, you like women like you like your coffee.

99. Ice cold and bitter.

100. And in a vacuum sealed thermos.

101. I want you to know,

102. we're making your mental well-being

103. a priority during this stressful week

104. of pre-midterms.

105. So, to help with anxiety, I'd like to introduce

106. our mental health mascot.

107. A cute little guy to chomp your anxieties away.

108. Say hello to the Heebie-Jeebie.

109. Gimme your stress!

110. I smell it on you.

111. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

112. Anxiety!

113. Oh, self, have I lost you?

114. I never thought I'd be with a popular himbo,

115. but now I don't know where I end and JFK begins.

116. I have a splitting headache!

117. Now, that's better!

118. Oh, Abe, it's just you.

119. Hey, can I ask you for some advice?

120. Of course, you can!

121. Supportive friend at your service.

122. If I wear this necklace,

123. I'm worried I might be losing myself.

124. What do you think?

125. What do I think?

126. I think the necklace is amazing, are you kidding me?

127. that's just facts. But I can't say that.

128. If I tell her I like the necklace,

129. I may never have another shot at being her boyfriend.

130. I think you've changed.

131. The Joan I used to know would never wear that necklace,

132. and would definitely keep her options open dating wise.

133. Woah, that feels good just to let that out there.

134. Really? I guess I have compromised myself.

135. Maybe I should give the necklace back.

136. "JFK, we need to talk."

137. Thanks for looking out for me.

138. It's good to have such a supportive friend

139. with no ulterior agenda.

140. Yeah, absolutely no ulterior agenda.

141. That... that was, uh, supportive, right?

142. Have a stress ball!

143. Ow!

144. Oh, hi there, buddy.

145. Wow, this is so—

146. Oh, look, Joanie just texted me.

147. "We need to talk."

148. Sorry about that break up, Jafe.

149. It was fun while it lasted though, right?

150. Break up? No, she wants to talk!

151. That's code for mouth sex, right?

152. Joan wants to break up with me?

153. But she's the only girl I ever loved!

154. Something's happening in my body? I'm all wet!

155. There's like a tiny drum in my chest.

156. That's just stress, bro. Or a heart attack.

157. - But probably stress. - But I, uh, uh,

158. never felt stressed before! Oh, God, I can't lose Joan!

159. I can't be the first Kennedy to have a relationship fail!

160. I got it. Easy solution.

161. Avoid Joan, so she can't break up with you.

162. I know where we can hide.

163. I run away from, like, 99 percent of my problems.

164. Was JFK here?

165. I thought I heard him.

166. Am I going crazy?

167. Where... where is he?

168. Oh, geez.

169. Have you seen it out there? The clones are super stressed!

170. Only the strongest will be left standing.

171. Your passion is contagious.

172. Shall we discuss our other passions?

173. Or other contagions?

174. No time. I have to release murder hornets

175. into the Chem lab.

176. Why does she not see my allure?

177. Just throwing it out there, but maybe realize,

178. she has no sexual interest in you

179. and move on.

180. Oh, pish-posh!

181. I just need to change my approach.

182. As we know, no woman can resist a pitiful man.

183. At my Papa's funeral, I was crying like a little baby.

184. So the beautiful mortician, Moira,

185. took me out for 'tato skins, and then some.

186. Oh, how I wish my father would die again!

187. Wait, that gives me a brilliant idea!

188. Mr. B, get my murse. We have shopping to do.

189. Please be empty, please be empty!

190. Oh, good thing girls don't poop,

191. so I can take a big old stress deuce in peace.

192. Ah, the most relaxing place in the world.

193. Wonder if Joan gave that necklace back.

194. I hope so. Am I a terrible friend?

195. But if I'm a good friend, I lose Joan.

196. This is stressing me out!

197. Hello? Who's there?

198. I... I... I mean, hello, I'm a girl.

199. It tried to eat me in the girls' bathroom!

200. Uh. Don't ask me how I know.

201. But if you did ask me, I'd tell you

202. it's because I was pooping in there.

203. Abe, come on, just use your common sense,

204. which was also the name of a pamphlet

205. written by Thomas Paine in 1775— No, no,

206. 1776. Oh. I'm gonna fail pre-midterms,

207. and manage a carpet store!

208. Shh! He feeds off stress!

209. My eye! Without my liner, it's like,

210. I only have one, albeit gorgeous, eye.

211. Shh!

212. Topher, bud.

213. Oh, there's a monster terrorizing the school!

214. Please, keep your voice down.

215. This is my emotional support possum, Lucifer.

216. It gives you little bites

217. when it feels you getting anxious

218. which actually makes you more anxious.

219. No, no!

220. No fib, that simp just got took.

221. Oh, God, I have to warn Joan.

222. We are hiding here, but, uh, there's so much wood.

223. Wood.

224. Let's get to hammering.

225. Hammer, tool, screw. Oh, my gosh. I love this place.

226. Drill, nail! I'm gonna nail ya

227. with my nail gun that's in my pants.

228. No, don't put it in your pants.

229. Candide, have you met my adorable bunny, Biscuit,

230. that I have had since I was a strapping, young toddler?

231. Here are photos of us together to prove this.

232. I hate warm-blooded animals.

233. Have you made the flyers

234. for the Broad Daylight Swimsuit Dance yet?

235. No, I have not.

236. Perhaps we could hire a body-shamer

237. to pick apart the clones' bodies.

238. Hmm. Maybe my mother is available.

239. Speaking of shame, I would be absolutely crushed

240. if anything happened to this rabbit

241. that I have loved for so long, as you can tell in the photos.

242. Get on the flyers.

243. This is rich. While she's out,

244. I'll sneak Biscuit into her office,

245. and let the reptiles tear her apart.

246. Tear you apart? Yes, they will.

247. Candide will see how sad and pathetic I am,

248. and she will take me out for a night of romance,

249. and light necking.

250. Sometimes it's hard to root for you.

251. Joan, hey, um,

252. - you don't look so good. - I know, I'm a mess.

253. I was trying to give the necklace back to JFK,

254. but I can't find him and now I'm worried

255. about hurting his feelings, and it's really...

256. stressing me out.

257. No, don't stress.

258. Remember, giving back that hideous necklace

259. is going to make you feel more like yourself.

260. We're just gonna take the stress away, right?

261. You got it. Yep. Yep, yep, yep.

262. Why don't you relax,

263. - go get something to eat? - I already ate!

264. Go find JFK!

265. Good, he's gone.

266. I hope sending Joan to JFK was a good move.

267. Stress!

268. Oh, uh, oh, really?

269. Teach me.

270. Oh, the three parts of the atom.

271. Uh, the Driver, the Levine and the Sandler.

272. What? Oh, my God, Harriet...

273. get your head

274. out of the trades.

275. Wait, why am I wearing yoga pants out of the house?

276. Dear God, in this economy?

277. I should just swing by Target

278. and pick up some of those Edison bulbs.

279. Oh, wow! Why would I say that? It's gonna be okay.

280. But first, coffee. No, it's rosé all day.

281. Oh, my God! Go— No! Wow! What am I saying?

282. These are actually pretty cozy.

283. Thank God, that was just a dream.

284. Oh, it's late. I should probably go home.

285. Great, the battery's dead.

286. Harriet, calm down, you're just imagining things.

287. Oh, please, please, please.

288. This was a terrible place to study!

289. You're right. A good soak is truly relaxing.

290. I can let my troubles go, and a little bit of pee.

291. - It's all love in the tub, man. - How do you stay so chill?

292. I mean, you got pre-midterms like the rest of us,

293. and you gotta live up to one of the coolest artists ever.

294. I just channel my anxiety into something more productive.

295. You know, like, murals for sick children.

296. but what about me?

297. Excuse me, I had a weird lunch.

298. Oh... it's just a bath toy.

299. Wait, that's not my bath toy.

300. - This is not whizz. - I think we lost him.

301. Now, all we have to do is stay calm—

302. Where do you think you're going, unibrow?

303. Shred, Frida, shred!

304. Look, it's the totally dark and abandoned school.

305. Oh, thank God.

306. We'll be safe in there.

307. Oh, someone's getting eaten!

308. I can't hear you.

309. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

310. We are still dating! La, la, la, la, la.

311. If she breaks up with you, but you can't hear her,

312. it does not count.

313. Just let me talk to you.

314. Just please let me talk to you. I just—

315. Just... just... just, please, let me talk.

316. Wait, it's just you guys.

317. Oh, we thought the Heebie-Jeebie was attacking.

318. The Heebie-Jeebie is just a mascot.

319. It's not like it's evil.

320. The Heebie-Jeebie is not just a mascot.

321. Cleo's a zombie!

322. You're a zombie, you balding loser.

323. I found this cool charcoal in the supply closet.

324. Do you guys like my smoky eye?

325. Shh! You hear that?

326. Any minute now, we'll hear the sweet screams

327. of Biscuit's demise.

328. Ah, the taste of bunny blood.

329. Wait, that's not bunny. This blood is cold!

330. Biscuit!

331. No! My babies!

332. I'll get a trash bag.

333. I'm guessing these won't flush well.

334. The Heebie-Jeebie is attracted to anxiety.

335. It can't find us if we're relaxed.

336. We have to chill.

337. My unibrow's twitching.

338. Frida's brow is the canary in the coal mine. We're doomed!

339. Oh, here, let's use my weighted blanket,

340. it'll calm us.

341. Oh, my gosh.

342. All the nervous BO is, like, suffocating me.

343. He's gonna find us. I said quiet down. Shh!

344. Take me, Heebie-Jeebie, I'm done!

345. Since Joan's breaking up with me,

346. I don't wanna live.

347. Take me!

348. Don't take Joan, take me.

349. Does someone wanna step forward

350. and sacrifice themselves for me now?

351. Joan, I'm sorry,

352. I've been a terrible friend!

353. Stop it, you dumb Heebie-Jeebie!

354. You shouldn't kill people just 'cause they're anxious.

355. Abe, you're a great friend, and JFK's a great boyfriend.

356. And yeah, I lied to him about liking the necklace.

357. But who cares?

358. It was only to protect his feelings.

359. That doesn't mean I should die.

360. Joan weakened the Heebie-Jeebie by talking about her stress.

361. And then punching it in the face. Let's all try!

362. idyllic, suburban, but ultimately ordinary life!

363. I'm afraid if my eyes don't pop, I'll never be a trophy wife!

364. I try so hard to go viral, but the only thing

365. I really want to infect people with...

366. is friendship.

367. I'm afraid

368. people don't think I care...

369. because I'm so chill, but...

370. I'm so chill, I kind of don't care!

371. I don't care for mustard!

372. Stress!

373. Also, I'm worried Joan is the love of my life,

374. and I'm not good enough for her.

375. I have already revealed a lot, but just in case,

376. I'm afraid no one will ever love me.

377. Especially, not the person I'm secretly in love with,

378. - and her name is— - Stop!

379. 9021-OMG!

380. It's iconic actor and mental health advocate

381. Ian Ziering, of all six Sharknados.

382. What are you doing here?

383. Oh, when my agent called

384. and said, "Do you wanna scare the crap out of some kids?"

385. I was like, "Maybe this is my chance

386. to make a real difference

387. in the mental health of America's teens."

388. But I realized I was doing more harm than good,

389. and I was about to stop doing it.

390. But then, you guys started yelling out

391. all your greatest fears, and I realized,

392. I was doing the right thing all along.

393. So, thank you.

394. No, thank you, Ian Ziering. It felt really good

395. to get all that anxiety off my chest,

396. and to kick you in the wiener.

397. Also, can I get a pic of you for the Gram?

398. That's what I call my grandma.

399. But wait, what happened to the clones

400. that I saw you take away, like Topher?

401. I just took him to a reputable spa

402. for some rest and relaxation, chill.

403. You've taught us all another amazing lesson, Mr. Ziering.

404. Let's go celebrate defeating anxiety

405. at the Broad Daylight Swimsuit Dance.

406. God, it feels good to be back in fake high school.

407. Pre-midterms are over.

408. No more stress till post midterm, pre-finals.

409. I'm not gonna stress over midterms anymore.

410. I know I'm not going to be a wine mom

411. because I'm gonna make it in Hollywood.

412. Hollywood is all about who you know.

413. And I know Ian Ziering.

414. And his phone number is...

415. And I found a bunch of expired packages

416. of my fave eyeliner on Russian eBay.

417. Again, I am so sorry

418. about what happened with Biscuit.

419. No time for mourning. It's a bunny-eat-lizard world.

420. Besides, we have to focus on "Operation Spread Eagle,"

421. and the clones we sent to the "spa."

422. Shall we see if they are performing properly?

423. Would you like to celebrate your excellent work

424. with some patatas bravas by candlelight?

425. Ugh! I find you pitiful.

426. Yes! Mission accomplished!

427. I may have lost my only chance of breaking them up,

428. but I know I did the right thing,

429. - because she looks really happy. - Damn.

430. It's like she took a relaxative.

431. I'm glad we got our anxieties out.

432. So my art can be back to normal again.