Clone High 1x2

1. Previously on a very special Clone High...

2. Clones were unfrozen, met a new crop of clones.

3. Joan of Arc used to be an outsider

4. with a crush on Abe Lincoln,

5. but, now, she is suddenly a popular girl

6. dating the hunky JFK.

7. Will it last?

8. Will anything last?

9. Does anything we do matter? If it will all ultimately

10. be forgotten to the sands of time?

11. Anyway, enjoy this episode.

12. This has been the most perfect day.

13. First, Teen Sex Cove.

14. And now, Plan B Beach.

15. Oh, JFK. Kiss me. The louder, the better.

16. Peekaboo. Abe?

17. Abe?

18. Abe!

19. That's right, baby. You're thinking Lincoln.

20. Yes! Yes!

21. Yes! Abe!

22. Yes! Yes! Yes!

23. Oh! Hey!

24. I was just having a little math dream.

25. You know, like, "Yes! Abe— B."

26. A, B. Just some algebra.

27. Nothing weird or repressed or intensely private.

28. Gotta go, bye.

29. We gather to pay tribute to the sacred anniversary

30. of the event.

31. Hey, Joan. I heard you had a sex dream

32. in math class.

33. No, I had a math dream in sex class.

34. That's why you fact-check a rumor.

35. Hmm.

36. Are you doing Wiccan stuff? I love a good coven. Or bad.

37. Oh, it's nothing like that.

38. It was just a huge life changing incident that bonded us

39. till death.

40. Well, what happened? Tell me.

41. Sorry, Joansie. Our secret is D-A-N-G-E-R-ous.

42. Oh, it must be nice to have female friends,

43. you can trust with your deepest, darkest secrets.

44. Back in 2003,

45. women just weren't friends with each other like that.

46. For reals? How come that?

47. Yeah, why Joan?

48. Was it because you're a loser with dry eyes

49. and big ass cuticles?

50. Cut them sometimes, Joan, you can't always

51. just push them back. Grow up!

52. women always had to compete against each other for boys,

53. jobs, attention, everything.

54. I mean, most TV writers' rooms back then only had one woman.

55. That is unthinkable and very specific.

56. I guess I'm just one of those gals

57. that's destined to only have close guy friends.

58. - Rock fight. Joan, join us. - Yeah, get in here, guy.

59. Whoever gets hit in the nuts, wins.

60. - Let's play again. - Oh! So fun!

61. Joan, I wanted to tell you that—

62. Peekaboo.

63. Joan definitely has something, she needs to get off her chest.

64. I'm thinking it has something to do with JFK.

65. Where is my monogamous girl? Where ya been, Joanie?

66. Ah! I'm right here thinking about you and only you.

67. That's why I'm in the trash can because I'm thinking,

68. uh, dirty thoughts.

69. Girl needs help.

70. She can't just keep all this stuff bottled up.

71. What if we invite her to a sleepover?

72. Maybe then, she'll feel comfortable

73. telling us her secret.

74. Since secrets told at sleepovers may never be revealed anywhere

75. except at said sleepover.

76. I know the rules of sleepovers, Harriet.

77. But yeah! Let's do it.

78. How about you and me

79. turn your dirty thoughts into dirty actions tonight?

80. Tonight? Uh...

81. Joan, we would like to propose

82. a sleepover tonight because—

83. A sleepover? Tonight? Of course!

84. - You know I'm in. - Oh, thank God.

85. Sleepover prep initiated. I'll start slicing cucumbers.

86. And I'll get the raccoons out of my sleeping bag.

87. Wait! You, er, uh, wanna hangout with someone else tonight?

88. Right. Girls have sleepovers now.

89. So I'm gonna do that.

90. Not because I'm working through anything

91. or like avoiding you.

92. Because why would that be the case?

93. It wouldn't. That's why.

94. You should hang with the guys instead.

95. Oh, yeah. Sure, I, er, uh, I— I love guys.

96. All the— all the guys that I definitely have with...

97. Definitely have meaningful relationships

98. with lots of male friends.

99. Or guys, as I call them. Yep, that's me, Mr. Guys.

100. Enjoy your sleepover.

101. Hey, Joan.

102. You want to see my lighthouse impression

103. - I've been working on? - No.

104. By any chance,

105. did you say you do a lighthouse impression?

106. - I love lighthouses. - Really?

107. Not at all.

108. But my therapist requires that I have three

109. social interactions every month

110. or I have to spent spring break at the asylum again.

111. Anyhoo, you want to hang out later?

112. Okay. I— I guess.

113. Good stuff. Toodle-oo.

114. Oh, JFK? Are you alright?

115. Oh, I'm fine. I'm just letting my eyes pee.

116. Oh, I-P-P. Can't spell Mississippi without it.

117. Joan told me to hang with my guys tonight,

118. but I spent my whole life making out with girls.

119. And I— I let all my male friendships fade away.

120. Same. If you substitute hanging out with girls

121. with looking at the internet.

122. I only have one real friend right now,

123. and it's my girlfriend.

124. And we spend every night

125. banging and banging and doing it.

126. Oh, yeah! And banging and

127. banging and banging and banging...

128. - Cool. - ... and banging and banging,

129. - and then banging some more. - Alright.

130. And then having sex.

131. - And then boinking. - Same with me.

132. But you know, the internet. And then ramming.

133. So, you wanna have a playdate? Uh, I mean sleepover?

134. Uh, I mean, a bro night?

135. I'd like that Confucius. I'd really like that.

136. Hey, Foster Mom.

137. Hello, Foster Daughter.

138. I was just preparing you dinner

139. as I am required by law to feed you.

140. Oh! Um... Hey, is it cool if I go to a sleepover tonight?

141. A sleepover?

142. Where you tell your most valuable secrets

143. to other female clones? Of course.

144. I've got a work thing. Bye.

145. Oh, I wish Toots hadn't died

146. in that clarinet accident while I was frozen.

147. Members of the board.

148. Joan is attending a sleepover tonight,

149. where girls traditionally reveal their deepest, darkest secrets.

150. I know the rules of a sleepover.

151. Get us those secrets, so we can blackmail

152. whichever clones survive, "Operation Spread Eagle."

153. I'll drug the girls

154. using my patent pending truth serum.

155. I'll help you. I'll cancel my road trip with Mr. B.

156. Totally fine. Some other time.

157. Joan,

158. welcome to your sleepover.

159. Did I underdress?

160. This is my first real ladies sleepover.

161. I mean, Cleo and I had to share a bedroom

162. when our parents dated briefly,

163. but I wouldn't call that a sleepover.

164. Don't worry, Joanuary Joans.

165. We only smother with consensual friendship.

166. And sleepovers are next level friend stuff.

167. I mean, sleeping next to someone

168. in their house on the floor, right near the outlet

169. that has too many things plugged into it.

170. It's honestly the most beautiful place

171. to share secrets.

172. I don't have any secrets to share.

173. Hey! We wouldn't share our secrets now either.

174. Yeah. We've got a lot of bonding to do first.

175. Starting with something no sleepover

176. could ever go without.

177. Fun sleepover song.

178. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary.

179. Now, that we've, er, uh, finished the requisite pizza eating

180. and talk of all the bases we've gone to.

181. I assume we play sports. And then slap asses.

182. Not anymore, my frozen friend.

183. We don't move a muscle except these.

184. Diggy, diggy, diggy.

185. I'm talking swiping and typing. Welcome to FlipFlop.

186. What is this strange magic?

187. FlipFlop. It's the site where people

188. share videos they made. These vids taught me everything

189. I don't know.

190. It was a lie?

191. Busted!

192. This is... amazing!

193. I have so many thoughts and unsolicited opinions.

194. Oh, should I call the creators? Or write them letters?

195. Not even.

196. I know the exact place to get the word out.

197. Comment section.

198. The, uh... Wait, wait, wait, what?

199. Abraham Lincoln, we're so happy.

200. You're here. Come in, come in.

201. Jesus, Mom. Back off.

202. You're gonna scare him away.

203. Can I offer you something to drink? A juice box?

204. Hollandaise?

205. Oh, no. No. Thank you.

206. - I'm fine. - Are you sure?

207. I can whip up something lickety-split.

208. I just have to find the oven.

209. He said no, Caitlin!

210. Let's go to my room. I found some cool stuff

211. - we can watch on the internet. - Have a nice sleepover.

212. It was so nice to meet you, Benjamin Franklin.

213. That was good, that was good.

214. I'm so glad we did this. What's next Harriet?

215. It's time to play "Never Have I Ever."

216. - I've never played. - Never?

217. - Not ever. - Never ever ever?

218. Never, not ever.

219. I've never played "Never Have I Ever."

220. Never. Wait, not ever, ever.

221. Not ever.

222. They're about to play "Never Have I Ever."

223. It's time to give them the truth-serum-laced alcohol.

224. How are the drinks coming?

225. Perfect. We even made a few extra.

226. Cocktail!

227. Cha-cha, cha-cha, cha-cha!

228. Tom Cruise. Kokomo.

229. Mr. B, which drinks have all the serum?

230. This one. Oh, wait. Hold on.

231. - Maybe that one. - No, no, no. It's this one.

232. Uh, actually. This one.

233. You idiots. How are we gonna figure this out?

234. We'll just have to test them ourselves.

235. - Now what? - We wait.

236. - Never? - Never.

237. - Not ever, ever. - Not ever.

238. - Or ever, ever? - Never!

239. Wait, not ever, ever?

240. Never, not ever. I've never, never—

241. She's never played the damn game.

242. So, how do you play?

243. You put your hands up like this and when it's your turn,

244. you'll say something you've never ever done.

245. And then everyone who has done it

246. will put a finger down.

247. And whoever puts all their fingers down first

248. is the baddest bish.

249. And no matter what, you cannot lie.

250. Ah!

251. Uh, I don't know. This seems pretty revealing.

252. Don't overthink it, Joan.

253. Just loosen those lips and have fun.

254. I'll start. Um, like,

255. never have I ever been attracted to Pinocchio.

256. I can't lie.

257. But he sure can, if you know what I mean.

258. You are so bad! Bad Joan.

259. Wow, this is really fun.

260. Alright, I wanna try. I wanna try.

261. Alright. I don't wanna knock anyone out right off the bat,

262. so I'll start with an easy one.

263. Uh, never have I ever, um, uh, murdered someone.

264. My eyes are open! But I can't see a thing!

265. Don't forget to hit donate.

266. Uh-huh! That's a spicy meatball.

267. L-O-L I-R-L, JFK. You're a natural.

268. I am?

269. Why do people think

270. it's still okay to make fun of Italians?

271. I'm tired of being called "ricotta face"

272. or "Spaghetti Eddie with the prosciutto butt,

273. the cannoli brains."

274. I need to educate this fellow.

275. Wow! You're such a good person.

276. I find that being anonymous brings out the best in me.

277. Top-Her 69 replied.

278. He called you "Rocky Balboa dumb."

279. Let me at him!

280. Oh, it's been a while since I, er, uh,

281. pounded some knucklehead's face in.

282. Where is this wisenheimer?

283. Let me teach you how we fight in the future.

284. Pop on these blue light glasses to avoid eye strain.

285. We're going in.

286. Candide, I don't think any of these had the truth serum,

287. because I'm feeling no effects. And I'm only attracted to you

288. because you remind me of my lonesome

289. and coldhearted mother,

290. which is really a turn on for me. Oh, no!

291. Last night, I had a dream where I was pregnant

292. with Mr. B's baby.

293. I just wanna be a mom.

294. The coffee maker didn't break, I was getting freaky with it.

295. Damn, Joan, how are you gonna guess our secret

296. on your first "Never Have I Ever"?

297. Wait, your secret really is that you murdered someone.

298. Okay, fine. Yes, bingo. You got it.

299. I have so many questions. Who? Wait, when? How?

300. I remember it clear as Miami Beach seawater

301. minus all the condoms.

302. It was 2014.

303. We met over a tandem love for tandem biking.

304. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

305. Now, that our tandem bikes

306. were in tandem, we started training

307. for our first singles doubles tandem biking competitions.

308. The grand prize was 12 dollars

309. and the chance to meet Prince's chauffeur.

310. Nothing could stop us.

311. Not even a little rain.

312. Purple rain?

313. - What? No. - That doesn't make any sense.

314. Why did she say purple rain?

315. We were practicing mornings, noons,

316. dusks, late nights, leap days.

317. Racing super-fast, until...

318. We hit a guy, landed right on him.

319. Impact put dude's whole body into a knot,

320. like a garlic knot but a man.

321. So, then what? Did they try you as adults or children?

322. What did you wear to court? Did your lawyer have suspenders

323. and do this?

324. Nah, girl.

325. We rolled that cuerpo muerto right into a hole

326. and vowed to forget it ever happened.

327. Which is why every year on the anniversary,

328. we remember it. Never forget.

329. So, now that you know our big secret,

330. come on, Joan, what's yours?

331. Well, mine is really small compared to murder,

332. like, it's embarrassing. But, um, I— I had, um...

333. Wait, I know, what you're doing?

334. You made up this murder so I'll share my secret with you

335. and then you'll rub it in my face and—

336. and tell everyone, just like Cleo used to do.

337. We're not being sus.

338. I mean, we are because we killed someone.

339. - Yeah, right. - Fine! We'll prove it.

340. We'll show you where the body is buried.

341. Get your closed-toe shoes on, now.

342. Oh, man. I only brought chancletas.

343. Stay focused, kiddo.

344. Oh, I'm giving it everything I got, Coach.

345. Hey, Toph. Do you wanna get off the computer

346. - and watch a movie or something? - No, I'm online.

347. I suck? You are mistaken

348. and must be thinking of your mother!

349. Hey, you play, uh, guitar?

350. I just have one! Okay? My uncle gave it to me!

351. Shut up. I'm online!

352. Ha! Wrong! My mom is terrible at blow jobs, loser!

353. Hmm, you are a loser

354. with a wiener that would be best described as...

355. "A not very good wiener."

356. You're a loser

357. with a very small amount of friends.

358. Zero!

359. No!

360. And the amount of people

361. you'll have at your funeral is also zero.

362. Because you have no friends!

363. Maybe your dad will show up just to take

364. a dump on your face, and then he'll say,

365. "Look, my dump is my son's only friend."

366. Oh, wait! Even the dump hates you.

367. Topher, you're a monster online.

368. And in person.

369. Do we really have to dig up that body?

370. Yes. Yes.

371. Until Joan believes our secret, she won't share hers.

372. So let's dig up that deadass body

373. and make her talk!

374. You didn't murder anyone.

375. You guys were trying to trick me into giving you my secret.

376. Girl friendships haven't change.

377. This doesn't make sense. This was the spot.

378. I know what you did

379. eight autumns ago.

380. - Yo. I can't... - JFK.

381. You're gonna be alright.

382. Oh, just leave me here to die.

383. He said, "You're a loser with zero friends."

384. I am a loser with zero friends.

385. I can't even be friends with a dump

386. my dad took on my dead face.

387. You're not a loser. That dump would be your friend.

388. Wait a minute.

389. You're not... You're... You're...

390. That's what I thought.

391. Huh. This guy said, "You used the possessive 'your,'

392. you idiot. It's apostrophe, R-E!"

393. What?

394. No!

395. Okay, I'm gonna go.

396. Wow, is it tomorrow already?

397. Bye.

398. He logged off, JFK.

399. I corrected his grammar.

400. It's over, we won.

401. We won.

402. You did that for me?

403. Of course. That's what friends do, man.

404. I finally see the point of other boys.

405. You're not so bad... bro?

406. Yes, we're the bros.

407. Slap fight!

408. Eight autumns ago, you killed me.

409. Unibrow, save yourself.

410. Sorry, I meant you killed the old me.

411. Thank you.

412. What? You're not dead?

413. I know, right? Name's Frederico.

414. As I laid buried alive, my life flashed before me

415. and it was really stupid.

416. I had no friends, and you know why?

417. Because I never opened up.

418. Never told anyone my secrets.

419. People would ask, "How are you, Frederico?"

420. And I'd say, "None of your business,"

421. and I'd threw my Sprite in her face.

422. I went to a therapist to try to get help,

423. but she wanted to know my secrets too.

424. So I chucked a Sprite in her face.

425. I went through a lot of Sprite pushing people away.

426. But that fateful night,

427. as you two filled my mouth with mud,

428. I realized I wanted to live.

429. I decided it was time to pull myself out of the emotional

430. and literal hole I was in, and make some friends.

431. Now, I have tons of friends. I tell them all my secrets.

432. I'm scared of belly buttons.

433. I no longer drink Sprite, which is literally bad for you

434. and not even food, and was almost illegal

435. in New York.

436. I'm so happy.

437. - Huh? - Thank you for saving my life

438. by burying me alive.

439. So, we didn't murder you? We fixed you?

440. - Oh, thank God. - That is such a relief.

441. I'm so glad we don't have to live

442. with that terrible secret anymore.

443. Guys, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

444. I'll tell you my secret.

445. It's so silly compared to yours, so it's not a big deal.

446. I'm just gonna say it, I had a sex dream about Abe.

447. - That's a huge deal. - But wait, it was just a dream.

448. I was having sex with Abe's head.

449. Eh, we call that oral sex now.

450. No, no, no, his head was giant, so nobody or limbs.

451. But... you know how dreams are.

452. Just weird.

453. Nothing is ever just a dream.

454. What's in your head when you're sleeping

455. is what's in your heart when you're awake.

456. - Wait, what? - It's true.

457. This is officially the biggest secret

458. I've ever been a part of.

459. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

460. Oh, my God, it is juicy.

461. You guys are going tell everyone, aren't you?

462. Will you please also tell them I really like JFK?

463. We're not gonna tell anyone.

464. But, honestly, seriously, girl, this was a sleepover.

465. You know that a secret that happens at a sleepover

466. can never ever be told.

467. Yes, we all know how sleepovers work.

468. You know, I'm so sick of people overexplaining the rules

469. when literally everyone...

470. - Frederico? - Clap once if you can hear me.

471. Are we sure he's dead?

472. I'd hate to bury him alive again.

473. Yeah, he's not screaming this time.

474. I'll get the shovels, friends.

475. I'm happy to report our mission was a success.

476. We stuck to the plan

477. and did not get sidetracked in any way.

478. Yes, we remained focused on the sleepover

479. and not on various issues

480. we're dealing with in our personal lives.

481. As a result, we now have all the clones' secrets

482. and none of each other's. Our dignity is rock solid,

483. and we are not attracted to either of our parents.

484. You're really good

485. at your job, Scudworth.

486. Upon this act, we shall be bonded together

487. in friendship forevermore.

488. Sleep well, fair Frederico. Or should I say, "Frienderico."

489. Thank you, guys, for teaching me that sleepovers

490. are indeed the friggin' best.

491. - How was your sleepover? - Honestly, it killed.

492. Why are we laughing?