Clone High 1x11

Directed by Ted Collyer • Harold Harris

Debra Wilson as Harriet Tubman / Eva Peron (voice) • Sarah Chalke as Marie Antoinette (voice) • Nicole Sullivan as Marie Curie (voice) • Murray Miller as Catherine the Great (voice) • Donald Faison as Toots (voice)

Abe procrastinates planning his promposal to Cleo by trying to find Joan a date, Gandhi gets a makeover from JFK, and Scudworth rehashes an old rivalry with John Stamos.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Previously on a very special Clone High...

2. Joan got a new roommate,

3. Abe and Cleo continued to date,

4. and Gandhi became an inmate.

5. Here's a paper plate.

6. Dear family and friends,

7. is it possible a year has passed since my last impersonal,

8. over-informative photocopied holiday update?

9. I can hardly believe it's only been a year

10. since the United Nations abolished religious holidays

11. in favor of the non-offensive, all-inclusive Snowflake Day.

12. Well, this blows.

13. Oh, my God!

14. Snowflake Day is almost here.

15. Snowflake Jake, this holiday's mascot,

16. will come to my house and bring me spices upon spices.

17. Oh, joyous day.

18. What do you have against Snowflake Day, anyway?

19. It's not like all of those exclusive religious holidays

20. like Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa.

21. Ooh, it's time for the ceremonial

22. lighting of the snowman!

23. Jolly Snowflake Day, Joan.

24. Would you like a bite of my lamb taco?

25. It's just not Snowflake Day without a lamb taco.

26. Cripes!

27. Why is everyone so cripes-darn cheerful?

28. Well, you better be cheerful

29. at my annual Snowflake Day party,

30. because those crackers won't hand out themselves.

31. I can't wait.

32. Neither can I, Joan!

33. We're all going to exchange Snowflake care satchels!

34. Speaking of which, Abe,

35. I can't wait for my big, expensive Snowflake Day gift.

36. Oh, don't worry, Cleo.

37. I'll get you the best gift ever.

38. A clamp to keep her legs closed?

39. No, even better than that.

40. Where am I gonna get money to get Cleo a good present?

41. Have a bar mitzvah, dude.

42. You get mad stacks.

43. Sounds sweet, but I think I'm gonna

44. do the Christian thing: get a job.

45. Right on!

46. Both Bill Gates and Will Smith have jobs,

47. and they're millionaires.

48. To jobs!

49. Voice of an angel, baby.

50. An angel!

51. Gay dads, enough fawning!

52. We got to get my annual Snowflake Day album done!

53. Gay apparel!

54. Leather pants!

55. You know?

56. Dude, this blows.

57. I don't know how Will Smith and Bill Gates do this.

58. Come on, Gandhi.

59. Two more hours, and we'll have

60. paid for the mall parking.

61. I need a fork!

62. Always with the utensils.

63. And mayhaps a knife as well!

64. Every time!

65. I have to make two trips!

66. "Can I have a fork?

67. Can I have a knife?"

68. Jeez! Every time!

69. Lincoln, we need those plates right now!

70. Gandhi, traditional Snowflake sombrero dance pronto!

71. What a jerk.

72. Napoleon's got some sort of a complex.

73. I don't know what it is, but, man.

74. Run, fire!

75. We eat the mistakes here, Monsieur Abe.

76. But I dropped a glass.

77. Eat it! Eat it!

78. Mangez le verre!

79. What?

80. Abe, if I said we could be millionaires,

81. would you quit with me right now?

82. I'd give it some serious consideration.

83. Now, jump on me back

84. and whisper your wish for spices in me ear.

85. If you don't fill my rack with cumin this year,

86. I swear to God, I'll get you fired.

87. Yo-ho-ho.

88. You'll get your wish, you bugger.

89. Now, get off me back,

90. or I'll murder your grandparents.

91. Aw!

92. Why do I take this job every year?

93. Now, go empty me chum bucket.

94. It's starting to smell like a day-old hooker.

95. I hate you, you nasty, crap-eating monkey!

96. Arr!

97. I'll tell you what spice she's got: sassafras.

98. I hate this stupid holiday.

99. Don't say that, Joan.

100. And I could have used that chum.

101. Sorry, I didn't realize you—

102. How'd you know my name?

103. I don't know your name.

104. I call everyone Joan.

105. It's like saying "dude" or "bro"

106. or, in your case, "Joan of Arc."

107. But that's not important right now.

108. What is important is that you continue to spread

109. the Snowflake Day spirit.

110. Snowflake Day sucks!

111. All those kids are so greedy.

112. "Give me some spices!"

113. "I'm fat!"

114. "I want some parsley!"

115. Lucky kids with their spices.

116. I have to eat the salt they sprinkle on the roads

117. when the ice freezes.

118. Who cares about spices and seasonings

119. and traditional snowflake meats?

120. Snowflake Day is just another made-up holiday

121. courtesy of the greeting card industry

122. just like Valentine's Day and Easter.

123. I can take her out right now.

124. You know, for many, this season is about giving,

125. so, um, can I have 50¢ so I can eat today?

126. Ugh! See?

127. Even you, a homeless person, greedy and selfish.

128. Well, if it's spices everybody wants,

129. I'll pepper their precious Snowflake Day

130. with a little slice of sabotage pie...

131. Joan of Arc style!

132. Hey, are you Mandy Moore?

133. Me? No.

134. This mic doesn't even work.

135. So you're just an incredibly hot homeless person?

136. You'd be surprised at how many ab machines

137. you find in dumpsters.

138. Plus, I have a trainer.