Clone High 1x10

Directed by Mark Ackland

Donald Faison as George Washington Carver (voice) • Michael Bolton as Michael Bolton (voice) • Neil Flynn as Glen the Janitor (voice)

As Operation Spread Eagle ends, the clones face a deadly college entrance exam. Estranged from JFK, Abe, and the rest of her friends, Joan decides to fend for herself while Scudworth and Mr. B crash The Board of Shadowy Figures’ Death Maze watch party.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It's the last day of school and every relationship

2. will be put to the ultimate test.

3. Will Harriet and Confucius survive?

4. What about Cleo and Frida?

5. Will Abe finally bare his soul to Joan,

6. or will Topher's blackmail— I mean White leverage

7. keep him silenced forever?

8. Prepare for some answers, people, because this is

9. a season finale episode.

10. And you're gettin' the good stuff.

11. I finally have lots of friends to sign my yearbook

12. and fill it with really intimate and important messages,

13. like "never change" and "keep in touch."

14. Now, who wants to go first?

15. Mm. Nobody? Really? Abe?

16. Absolutely! Can I get a whole page?

17. I just want to tell you everything that's in my heart—

18. Uh-uh-uh. Grumbles?

19. Uh... I'm busy!

20. My monkey!

21. I'll sign your yearbook.

22. You're a lone wolf, just like me.

23. I'm not a—

24. Lone wolf.

25. Sit down you hormonal turds.

26. Here we are, the last day of the school year.

27. I'm sure many of you are wondering what's next?

28. Well, let us tell you about a magical place

29. where people sleep four to a room

30. and have cereal for every meal.

31. What is this magical place?

32. Where do I pick up my check, darling?

33. Get out of here, Ethel Merman.

34. Oh, I can't wait for college!

35. College sounds like a place where nothing can go wrong!

36. Not so fast! Only those who pass the entrance exam

37. shall gain admittance to college,

38. because college is like a hot night club,

39. only the finest people get in.

40. Your test will commence after lunch.

41. Prepare yourselves!

42. Sorry. My jazz hands were jazzier in rehearsal.

43. No one noticed.

44. They were looking at my jazz hands

45. which are inherently more jazzy on account of my arthritis.

46. Come on, these fingers are always the jazziest.

47. Now, we need to talk.

48. Why? Am I getting a promotion for organizing this whole

49. college entrance exam?

50. No. I got you a present.

51. A present?

52. But these are just my personal belongings

53. hastily tossed into a cardboard box.

54. It brings me no joy to say this, but...

55. you're fired!

56. You are outta here, sucker!

57. Who has a job? Not you!

58. There, there, sweet principal. It's not that big of a deal.

59. - You're fired, too, Mr. B. - Fuck you! Wesley!

60. Aren't you nervous about the test?

61. Nah. If I don't get into college,

62. I'll probably just stay home and be rich. I'm good.

63. But don't you want to do something more with your life?

64. Like run a company, or a country?

65. - Oh, I have people to do that. - You sit your ass down

66. and take this goddamned test, so we can go to college

67. and preserve this wonderful, healthy relationship!

68. Hey, besties! I'm so excited about college,

69. but what if it comes between us?

70. We will always be together. We're the four amigas, remember?

71. Huh. I don't remember that being established,

72. but it does make me feel better.

73. Nothing can come between the four amigas,

74. except maybe distance, time, or like a Hunger Games,

75. or Squid Games type situation.

76. Yeah! The four amigas will be living our best lives

77. in the big city! Speaking of which,

78. where is Clone High College? The brochure is super vague.

79. It says West Dakota?

80. All right! Take out your number two pencils,

81. open your booklets to page one, and begin.

82. - What in the— - Good luck. You'll need it.

83. Joan, are you okay?

84. Hey there! - Huh?

85. It's legendary singer, songwriter, Michael Bolton!

86. We're gonna have some fun, sing some songs,

87. and probably a lot of people are gonna die.

88. Anywho.

89. How did he make that sound sexy?

90. Did you see? They kept me on the e-vite list

91. for the death maze watch party!

92. This is my event!

93. I put the whole thing together, and this e-vite is an e-sult

94. - to injury! - What if we were to show up

95. with our heads held high, in killer outfits?

96. You're right. We could wear outfits that kill Candide.

97. You know, it has like poison or knives in it or something.

98. And it's high waisted.

99. When you say "death maze," it makes me wonder,

100. what happens if you don't make it through the maze?

101. Here's the deal.

102. You have one hour to traverse the terrifying obstacles

103. of the death maze.

104. Those of you who reach the end of the maze and hit the buzzer

105. will be admitted to Clone High College!

106. Those who don't, well,

107. hey, you'll be saving a ton of money on college.

108. Your time starts...

109. Death maze!

110. The aforementioned amigas, assemble! We have to move fast!

111. Confucius, hurry up! The door's closing!

112. I gotta tie these babies on tight. I'm not a good runner.

113. I only do rich people sports, most of them are on horses.

114. Oop. Oh, no. Gotta start over.

115. Harriet!

116. Confucius! You need to be more of a go-getter, okay?

117. - You have to want this, too! - Eh. If I miss it, I miss it.

118. Now, what comes after bunny ears?

119. That's it! I'm breaking up with you! I'm sorry!

120. Wait, what? Harriet!

121. Come with me if you want to get to college.

122. And by college I mean, non-stop consensual sex in twin beds.

123. Ugh! Brontë sisters! No!

124. I've made a Jane Error!

125. That's the kind of wordplay they would have loved.

126. Harr, you okay? I saw you left Confucius behind.

127. Bold move. I could never do that to Cle-Cle.

128. I made a choice and I'm good with it.

129. - I'm so good! I am so good! - Guys, hold up.

130. Um. What's that?

131. Ooh! Okay, this must be our first obstacle!

132. "A, B, C, D." What does that spell?

133. It looks like a Scantron test. Correction!

134. Scan-grade. The magnificent!

135. I mean, of all the characters to bring back...

136. Answer this question.

137. What is the basis of all strong female friendships?

138. A, gossip. B, support. C, love.

139. D, a pair of jeans that travels from person to person.

140. Duh. It's a trick question.

141. There's no such thing as strong female friendships.

142. I mean, except for us. The four amigas. Whatever.

143. Choose C! The answer's always C!

144. We have our first fallen clone!

145. Hello, everyone! Such a lovely event.

146. Excuse our most fashionable lateness.

147. I hope the toilets are working because shit's about to go down.

148. Well done, Candide.

149. "Operation Spread Eagle" is really spreading out nicely.

150. And I'm sure you did this all by yourself

151. because you are very unpleasant to be around. Great solo effort!

152. What!

153. I was the architect of this!

154. I even recorded a Death Maze theme song! It goes like this.

155. That's not my theme song! Bolton! That piece of sh—

156. - Who's next? - How do we pick?

157. All the choices seem wrong. Like eating at Sizzler.

158. Then we go off menu!

159. The answer's E! All of the above.

160. Eeee!

161. Perfect letter for a zip line!

162. No!

163. Hey guys! Which way should we go?

164. I, er, uh, listen to my butt.

165. And my butt is telling me to go this way!

166. Well, I listen to my Adam's apple,

167. and my Adam's apple is telling me

168. to listen to your butt.

169. Who cares about what your body parts are telling you!

170. Harriet dumped me!

171. Well, we should probably get going!

172. We only have an hour to find our way

173. through this maze and hit the buzzer!

174. Let him grieve!

175. Getting dumped is horrible!

176. It feels like a bullet's gone into your head.

177. You have no idea, Lincoln!

178. Confucius, help me, sweet daddy long legs!

179. Harriet! Where are you?

180. I also need help. - Hmm.

181. My name's Joan!

182. - That's Joan! - My Joanie.

183. She's not your Joanie anymore!

184. Uh. She's not yours either, Abe.

185. I'm trying to save her! Joan, I'm coming!

186. - Oh, my God. - What?

187. Do you like Joan?

188. - Spoiler alert! - Everyone knows that.

189. Outta my way, Lincoln!

190. Joan! Help me!

191. Confufu, I need you!

192. - Heebie Jeebie babies? - That do impressions?

193. Oh, Abe. I need your sweet tender kisses.

194. I'm in its mouth!

195. Thanks.

196. Oh! My crossbody bag!

197. Number two pencils!

198. They're so sharp!

199. I don't wanna get lead poisoning!

200. Actually, pencil lead is made of graphite.

201. Shut up, Topher!

202. Bounce on my bouncy butt!

203. Cross on my leggy legs!

204. Abe...

205. Hey, we make a really good...

206. Duo of bros who will remain friends

207. for the rest of our lives!

208. We wanted a death maze,

209. - not a hug labyrinth! - Boring! More deaths, please!

210. Bring back Scangrade! Now, that's a real robot.

211. Screw that test grading scrap metal!

212. First, she fires me,

213. then she brings in my nemesis, Scangrade!

214. And she brought in Michael Bolton!

215. My nemesis du jour.

216. We have no choice, but to destroy Candide.

217. Bring me my death-cessories!

218. They want more violence? They got it.

219. Oh, no. I killed Bert! I mean, I hate Bert

220. but I was aiming for Candide!

221. I'll call his family.

222. We're making good time, amigas!

223. Okay, we still have 34 minutes to hit that buzzer

224. and then college here we come!

225. Ooh! The Hall of Extracurricular Activities!

226. My college counselor said you can never have

227. too many of these!

228. We get to choose our own weapon.

229. Fun, I love shopping!

230. Well, I hope they don't want us four amigas to fight each other,

231. 'cause we wouldn't. Nothing can tear us apart!

232. - Nothing! - Plus, I'd win.

233. Whoa, your eyes look crazy, MC.

234. And not just in that radiation poisoning way.

235. Oh, no!

236. - Marie Curie, no! - How is this bitch so strong?

237. - Help! I can't hold you both! - Frida! I'm slipping!

238. I'm slipping, too!

239. Frida!

240. Joan! Oh!

241. Oh, God. No. I can't believe it. I'm so sorry, Joan.

242. I get it. Sometimes we have to make rash decisions

243. that we ultimately regret.

244. But that's okay.

245. Joan! You're alive.

246. - No thanks to you! - I couldn't hold you both.

247. You all said we were going to be besties

248. and do this whole college thing together!

249. I thought we were the four amigas!

250. But, it's clearly the three amigas.

251. I had your back in the multiple choice thing,

252. but who has my back?

253. Okay, let's all just take a quick eight count and—

254. Did I save the love of my life over you?

255. Sure, but you would do the same thing for someone

256. that you love. JFK, or is it Abe now?

257. I can't keep track of your White-girl crushes.

258. Fine. I don't need you guys.

259. I have other friends that I'll go to college with!

260. Babe, that was hot.

261. Topher, leave him alone! That's my best friend.

262. Sorry about that. I don't know what got into me.

263. Anyway, Abe, let's ride! Giddy up, Abe! Hyah!

264. Why are you letting him order you around?

265. He tried to murder you!

266. Don't tell him, Abe. Or else!

267. What's on this twerp's phone?

268. Uh... uh...

269. He's blackmailing me. I mean, White leveraging me.

270. Turns out he's in love with Joan, too.

271. What— But that's our special thing!

272. Thanks, JFK!

273. You know what the most powerful thing in the world is?

274. - My boohiney? - No. Our friendship.

275. Although, your rump is very impressive.

276. Abe! JFK! It's Joan! Can I join your team?

277. I don't know if I can do this alone.

278. Joan, Abe has something he's dying to say to you!

279. Now's your chance, bud.

280. But how do we know it's really her

281. and not one those little Heebie Jeebies?

282. I got it!

283. Hi, Joan. What's my favorite color?

284. - Red! - Wrong. It's the Heebie Jeebies.

285. What? Get out of here! You smell awful and we hate you

286. and you do bad impressions!

287. Now scram, you hairy monster!

288. Fine. I am a lone wolf.

289. And I'm gonna take myself to college alone.

290. I don't need any of those people.

291. And just like a lone wolf, I'm gonna destroy my enemies.

292. And piss all over everything!

293. Oh wait, my favorite color is red.

294. Man, how'd those little Heebie Jeebies know that?

295. - Ow! - We need to get to that buzzer!

296. I didn't give up everything I loved in the world

297. to not get into this very suspect

298. and mysterious college.

299. Hold up. Cleo needs a mirror break.

300. But we're not going to college if we don't keep moving.

301. What's the point of college if you can't be there

302. with the one you love?

303. I made a terrible mistake!

304. I broke up with Confucius for not being a go-getter,

305. but now, all I wanna do is go get him!

306. Look! Is that...

307. It's Confucius' crossbody bag.

308. That means he made it into the maze!

309. Harriet, No!

310. Looks like it's just you and me.

311. Oh, my God.

312. We're totally falling, too!

313. Una amiga.

314. Hey, guys, over here!

315. Is this the next obstacle?

316. I don't know, it looks more like a basketball court.

317. But we should probably get going.

318. There's a time limit on this thing.

319. Agreed!

320. - Downtown! - Touchdown!

321. - Sky hook! - Spud Webb.

322. Yeah!

323. Can't leave on a miss!

324. Yeah!

325. Peany!

326. Oh, thank you very much.

327. How did we kill everyone but her?

328. My damned astigmatism, once again!

329. We'll take those poppers to go.

330. Um. you guys haven't paid yet—

331. Huh?

332. That's it? I did it? Wait. Oh, God.

333. What did I just do?

334. Congratulations, foster daughter. Come with me.

335. I think, it's time for you to know.

336. There is no Clone High College.

337. Wait, what? But, what about the maze?

338. Michael Bolton?

339. This competition was a top secret initiative

340. called "Operation Spread Eagle."

341. And to think, this whole time you thought you were a wolf,

342. but actually, you're an eagle!

343. Congratulations, Joan.

344. You're going to be the next world leader!

345. And I'll be right by your side.

346. I'm so confused.

347. You're going to love ruling the world.

348. I'm talking nuclear codes! State secrets!

349. Bottomless shrimp!

350. Wait, by bottomless do you mean unlimited

351. or that their tails have been removed?

352. The best part is, you won't have to worry

353. about your silly little high school friends.

354. - Oh, my God, my friends! - Don't worry, they're alive.

355. But they won't remember you after I zap their minds

356. with the memory eraser ray!

357. Just like I did with you guys

358. - and Gandhi! - Who?

359. Wait, my friends are alive?

360. I mean, they're still selfish jerks,

361. but they're not hurt! For now.

362. I will make them forget everything, including you.

363. You can fulfill your destiny like the champion you are.

364. But why do you need to erase their memory?

365. With no memories, they can start fresh!

366. We may need to do this again

367. when something terrible happens to you.

368. When?

369. If something terrible happens.

370. Dammit! I missed!

371. I fell on my nuts. And bolts.

372. Right on cue.

373. I knew if I told you that you were fired

374. you would go on a killing spree,

375. eliminating all who stood in my way.

376. So, I'm not fired? - You have tenure, you fool!

377. So many memories...

378. Confucius, I just want you to know how sorry I am

379. for breaking up with you. I was wrong.

380. Just because you're not ambitious about college

381. doesn't mean you're not driven about the one thing

382. that really matters.

383. Us.

384. - Can you forgive me? - I don't know,

385. it's gonna be really hard to forget something like that.

386. You know we're going to have our memories erased, right?

387. Right. In that case...

388. let's consider it forgotten.

389. - I don't see Joan anywhere. - She must've won. Good for her.

390. You know, if I can't be with her,

391. she could do a lot worse than you.

392. Thanks, JFK.

393. All I can do is tell her how I feel,

394. if I remember how I feel.

395. Since we're all confessing stuff,

396. I'm done being nice!

397. This is how I really feel. Women shouldn't wear—

398. Shut up, Topher!

399. I forgot all these pivotal life-changing teen memories.

400. You know why you'll never make it

401. in this Shadowy business, Scudworth?

402. You care too much.

403. You're damned right I do. They're my creations!

404. My children! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

405. You moron! That was your first mistake. Caring.

406. You should be more like Joan! Put yourself first.

407. Viciously knock out the competition.

408. And above all, don't have friends

409. or care about others—

410. I do care about others!

411. Now, let's go save my friends!

412. Candide, raise your hand

413. if you think I should help Joan rescue my clones.

414. That's a yes.

415. Memory wipe initiated.

416. That's a lot of buttons!

417. Twenty-five percent complete.

418. Fifty percent complete.

419. Gettin' my steps in!

420. Seventy-five percent complete.

421. Memory wipe comp—

422. Did I make it in time?

423. - Who are you? - It's me, Joan of Arc.

424. You know me!

425. Joan... I had something I needed to tell someone named Joan.

426. Mm, I can't remember what it was.

427. Oh, no. No, no! No! I'm too late!

428. I think I'm starting to... remember.

429. I remember, too!

430. We all do!

431. Except for the dinosaur. When did that happen?

432. Thanks for saving our memories, fam.

433. We never meant to let you down.

434. I'm just so glad to have you back!

435. Joan! I remembered what I was going to tell you before.

436. It's big. See, deep down I think I've always known

437. that you were the o— Not so fast.

438. You know the funny thing about yearbooks is,

439. they only show the good memories.

440. Oh, boy.

441. Um. Could we get that memory eraser ray going again?