Clone High 1x1

1. And now, a very special episode

2. of the long-awaited and mildly anticipated,

3. Clone High.

4. Access granted.

5. Access granted.

6. His name is Cinnamon J. Scudworth.

7. Twenty years ago he created clones of historical figures

8. and sent them to a high school called "Clone High,"

9. where he was principal.

10. And then suddenly the program was put on ice.

11. Quite literally, when he froze the clones on Winter Prom night.

12. Our mission is to unfreeze those clones,

13. send them back to high school, and secretly groom them

14. to one day rule the world.

15. Failure to do so could mean world leaders

16. just keep getting worse.

17. - I won't let you down. - It won't be easy.

18. When these clones were frozen,

19. a tremendous amount of drama was frozen with them.

20. So, Abe was just about to profess his love

21. for either Cleopatra,

22. who was the hottest girl in school and totally into him,

23. or Joan of Arc,

24. who had secretly been in love with him for years

25. but had just hooked up with JFK.

26. Abe walks in on them and says, "I love..."

27. And then he gets frozen.

28. It's like, did someone order a 20-year cliffhanger?

29. Uh. Right here. Joan or Cleo?

30. Cleo or Joan?

31. Team Cleo.

32. And so begins,

33. "Clone High Colon Operation Spread Eagle."

34. Joan!

35. He said Joan?

36. No way! Wow!

37. There she is, Gandhi.

38. Joan of Arc, the love of my life.

39. And for years, I took her for granted.

40. That stops now.

41. It's time for me to tell her how I feel, Gandhi.

42. I mean, it's 2003.

43. Guys shouldn't be afraid to talk about feelings.

44. Gandhi, you've been pretty quiet.

45. What's your take?

46. Huh? I thought I was talking to my comedic sidekick Gandhi.

47. Let me know if you see him, Turkey Fire Hydrant.

48. Hey, Joan, how's it going?

49. Something feels off.

50. There's a bunch of students I've never seen before,

51. and some of them are on these insane-looking scooter things.

52. Oh, my God, what's wrong with your eyes?

53. Joan, I can't hold back my feelings anymore.

54. And I'm just grabbing the bull by the horns,

55. and I'm gonna come right out and say it.

56. Here goes.

57. Good morning, would you like to walk to school together?

58. 'Cause I woke up this morning, super aroused,

59. because we boned at prom, which was last night.

60. Joan of Arc, will you officially be my girlfriend?

61. But you're popular,

62. and I'm definitely not. So, really?

63. I mean, um, can I think about it?

64. Whoa! Uh, I've never been turned down before,

65. but, uh, that's okay.

66. It'll make it all the more delicious

67. when you do say yes.

68. Ah! Whoa! A little spaceship.

69. I'm gonna go chase it. Ah!

70. See you later, soon-to-be girlfriend.

71. So, you guys, huh? So cool.

72. Ugh! I don't know, Abe.

73. I just wanna make sure I'm not...

74. jumping into a relationship

75. solely because he's the first guy

76. I had steamy, hot...

77. incredible, mind-bending sex with.

78. Uh. I think that's enough adjectives.

79. Thanks.

80. Come back here, spaceship. Oh, this is fun.

81. Mr. B, after a long night of unfreezing clones,

82. it's finally time to enjoy a scalding,

83. skin-searingly hot sip of coffee.

84. - Scudworth! - Oh, God, it burns!

85. Oh, I need something to cool off my face.

86. Oh, why did I do that?

87. - It's still so hot! - Yes, why would anyone

88. do anything a second time...

89. after they got burned so badly

90. - the first time? - Oh, my face! Still so hot!

91. I'm here to watch over you as we execute

92. "Operation Spread Eagle."

93. What? I don't need a boss, especially not some woman.

94. I mean, not that I'm against

95. women in the workplace— Enough!

96. I will be installing a glass ceiling,

97. so that I may oversee your every move.

98. Women and their glass ceilings

99. that they're always prancing around

100. on top of—

101. I noticed other unauthorized clones roaming the halls,

102. including many

103. who are not anywhere on the original class list.

104. That's because this whole time I've been secretly keeping

105. Clone High going with a whole new set

106. of different cloned historical figures without permission.

107. What?

108. Hmm. Maybe having additional clones

109. isn't a terrible idea.

110. So, how did the clones who have been frozen

111. for 20 years take it when you told them?

112. Oh, yes! I knew there was something

113. Okay, everyone.

114. A few quick announcements.

115. Today is pizza boats, Latin club will meet in the library,

116. and for anyone who thinks it's 2003, you're wrong.

117. You've actually been frozen for 20 years.

118. The students you don't recognize

119. were cloned a few years after you were frozen.

120. So, you're all roughly the same age.

121. What?

122. We missed the last 20 years?

123. Oh, my God, does that mean I'm 36?

124. 'Cause I look amazing for 36.

125. To catch you up on what's been

126. going on in culture for the past two decades,

127. I prepared a very fun,

128. Clockwork Orange-style re-education.

129. I, uh, have no more questions.

130. - Uh. Yeah, I have a question. - Great question.

131. Here to not answer it is the most popular clone

132. and the hottest girl in the school.

133. - Finally! - Cleopatra.

134. Please move out of the way so everyone can see Frida Kahlo,

135. - your class president. - Who?

136. Wait a minute. She's popular?

137. Welcome, froze clones. We know it must be crazy

138. waking up after 20 years.

139. Hell, I can't function

140. when my smartwatch switches to daylight savings.

141. No one understands what you're saying.

142. Anyway, the rest of us

143. are gonna help shake off those cobwebs by hosting y'all

144. at our first ever Clone High Unity Week.

145. And to give us all the meets and deets,

146. my sis from another petri dish,

147. Harriet Tubman.

148. Thank you. Thank you, and welcome to the future.

149. There will be tons of unity events this week.

150. So, you'd better sign up, I'm very serious.

151. I will know if you didn't sign up.

152. I'll find you. I swear, I will.

153. We're passing around the sign-up sheet right now.

154. Peace.

155. High school sucked the first time,

156. I'll be even more of a social pariah,

157. since I've been frozen for 20 years.

158. I don't know,

159. maybe it'll be kind of fun living in the future.

160. Oh, they have pens on strings now. What a world!

161. I can't take it, Mr. B.

162. The glass ceiling,

163. the incessant tippy, tip, tip, tip, tip, tapping

164. of all of the reptile nails.

165. Scudworth, I need your key

166. to the principal's private washroom.

167. All right, let me see where I put it.

168. I'm not giving it to her.

169. She can't boss me around like that.

170. Oh, that's not it. No, she can't. I won't.

171. Uh. It should be here somewhere.

172. I won't share it, Mr. B, this is my space.

173. Everything is just so.

174. Even the pubes on the toilet seat?

175. I told you they were mustache trimmings!

176. Happy Unity Week, y'all. Pew! Pew!

177. It's your boy, C— C— Confucius.

178. Our first Unity Week activity

179. is a "walk a mile in someone else's shoes."

180. Tell 'em how it works, Sacagawea.

181. We are going super literal on this one, y'all.

182. Swap shoes with someone you don't know,

183. then walk a mile together.

184. Make a best friend and get those steps in.

185. Little damp.

186. Look at us, first ones out of the gate.

187. Is this a competition?

188. Is anything not?

189. - What's your name? - It's Topher Bus.

190. But you know, 20 years ago,

191. a bus was a mode of transportation.

192. - Uh. Yeah, we still have buses. - Copy that.

193. Man, I must sound like a total spaz right now.

194. You need to be more careful with your words.

195. You don't wanna get canceled.

196. You're saying I need to be more politically correct.

197. We don't say

198. - "politically correct" anymore. - Oh, nice.

199. - That stuff was so retard— - Retired!

200. Yes. The phrase was retired.

201. - No, I was gonna say, retard— - Shut up!

202. Wait, you make multimedia performance art too?

203. Of course, I do it all.

204. Writing, directing, overthinking, second guessing,

205. self-loathing, unraveling, and regrouping.

206. I think I have a blister.

207. Do these even qualify as shoes? They're so flimsy.

208. It's like they were made by blind people.

209. Because they were. Come here.

210. Do you know what my real name is?

211. Christopher Columbus.

212. - Cool. - Not cool.

213. While you were frozen, he got canceled

214. for being a dirtbag.

215. I'm trying to distance myself from my clone father.

216. That's why I go by Topher Bus.

217. You know who's gonna get canceled? JFK.

218. You should have heard him talking to Joan this morning.

219. That guy's always saying

220. inappropriate and offensive things.

221. I like boobies and butts, any shape or size.

222. - Wow. So sex-positive. - Yes, I am positive I like sex.

223. Refreshing honesty.

224. So uninhibited.

225. We know this must be overwhelming,

226. so we wanted to invite the coolest of you frozens

227. to join our Inclusivity Committee.

228. It's the most exclusive part of Unity Week.

229. - Finally. - Could you step aside

230. so we can give this to Joan of Arc?

231. - Here. - Wow.

232. With the photo I don't remember posing for

233. and everything.

234. Wait, so you're the hottest girl in school and Joan is cool?

235. Oh, my God, this is a nightmare. Somebody wake me up.

236. She's great.

237. And here's a badge for our final committee member.

238. I hope you've found

239. - a decent photo of me too. - No. JFK.

240. Hot, uh, uh, dog! Yeah!

241. Wanna borrow this?

242. Now, we just gotta find somebody to plan

243. the Unity Luncheon on Friday.

244. Wait, um, what if we let Abe plan the Unity Luncheon?

245. Joan, Topher just posted, in a super mansplaining way,

246. that Abe was mansplaining.

247. Oh, sorry. I don't know what "mansplaining" means.

248. I'll clarify it for you, Joanie.

249. - See, when a man— - Okay, I get it now.

250. Look, Abe is my best friend and he loves lunch.

251. I do. I eat it every day. Ask anybody.

252. All right then, Abe Lincoln,

253. - the luncheon is yours. - Yes. I won't let you down.

254. Ah!

255. Time for a little debriefing. And a little "de-briefing."

256. What's this?

257. Elegant towels, a soap dispenser.

258. Lemon-scented feminine hygienics.

259. Where are the pubes— I mean mustache trimmings!

260. The nerve of this woman!

261. Bring me my sombrero of invisibilidad.

262. Try to supervise me now, Candide.

263. She doesn't even know I'm under here,

264. that's how stupid she is.

265. Whoops, I'm a little turned around.

266. Okay, here we go.

267. This way I can open

268. my secret safe...

269. completely undetected.

270. Now that I've shown you my scatting ability,

271. I shall open the safe.

272. She thinks she can get inside my head.

273. Well, I will get inside her head by blowing it up.

274. Ugh! Where do I sit?

275. Yo! Cool boots. Over here.

276. Wow. It's like a VIP section in here.

277. Yeah, it's inspired

278. by business class airport lounges.

279. It's a big step up from eating by myself in the bathroom.

280. I saved you a seat,

281. and feel free to put your books on my buttshelf.

282. Aw! Thanks, JFK.

283. Looks like we're both popular now.

284. - You two are so cute together. - Right?

285. - Joan? Joan? Joan of Arc? - It's cool. He's with me.

286. Oh, my God, Abe,

287. how is the Unity Luncheon planning?

288. Well, I decided we're gonna have tables.

289. Uh-huh. And we're gonna put food on the tables,

290. and then we'll eat the food off those same tables.

291. Tables, that's, uh, that's—

292. Anything else? 'Cause I'm— I'm sure you've got more.

293. I'm sure of that, 'cause I— I can vouch for that, you know,

294. - as I did earlier, publicly. - Oh, and chairs.

295. I don't want everybody to sit Indian style.

296. Oops, sorry, I— I didn't mean to say something gay.

297. Abe!

298. Okay. Let me explain.

299. When I said gay, I'm not—

300. I'm trying to say that it was the most dumb,

301. stupid, horrible thing that you could ever imagine.

302. - Abe! - Like, just the worst thing

303. in the world.

304. Hey, you! So, um, I like it in here

305. and I don't wanna get kicked out.

306. So, it would be great

307. if you went off and thought about

308. those lunch plans a little more, you know?

309. Before you step in it any further. Somewhere far away.

310. Oh. Okay.

311. My old thinking dock.

312. Why is this so dangerously high?

313. Climate change, bro.

314. So, that was real? Hmm.

315. What are you doing out here

316. at the thinking docks, Confucius?

317. Oh, I'm just trying to get better at thinking,

318. be more like the Confucius I'm cloned from.

319. Seems to me, there's no telling what to think these days.

320. You know, normally, I'd check in with my bro Gandhi

321. at times like this. I think he's been avoiding me.

322. Why does everything have to change?

323. Joan and I used to be so close,

324. but now I can't even sit at the same lunch table as her.

325. Everything I say is wrong.

326. I just can't get it right.

327. - What should I do? - What I've learned

328. is the very best thing to do always

329. is to just say you're sorry.

330. Hmm. That's—

331. Sounds foolproof. Let's do it.

332. for my despicable behavior.

333. This is an opportunity to learn, and reflect, and grow.

334. As well as learning and reflecting while growing.

335. I'm not the only one that matters. All lives matter.

336. Uh. I'm sorry if I offended anyone,

337. but the truth is, I don't see color.

338. I mean, I once dressed up as Chris Tucker for Halloween.

339. Sorry not sorry. I refuse to apologize.

340. I'm sorry, I said, "Sorry not sorry."

341. I said I was sorry.

342. So, I made a couple mistakes, huh?

343. Or is it "mister-stakes" now? Oh, let's not be ridiculous.

344. Or— Or do I have to say "ri-vagina-ulous," huh?

345. Because you can't comprehend like a bunch of girls.

346. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

347. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ah!

348. Are you sure he isn't a Kennedy?

349. - Oh, Abe! - I'll make it up to you.

350. Not gonna happen. Abraham Lincoln,

351. you are canceled.

352. Joan, what's happening? Is this washable paint?

353. Joan, say something.

354. Joan?

355. - Hey, Abe. You okay? - No, I'm not.

356. And you just stood there and let them cancel me.

357. Oh— Oh, hey,

358. I tried to include you every step of the way.

359. There's only so much I can do, Abe.

360. Who even are you right now?

361. Eating lunch with JFK and all the popular people,

362. we used to make fun of them.

363. This is different. They actually like me.

364. And I wanted them to like you too.

365. But you made it impossible, didn't you?

366. Now, I have to pull this whole Unity Luncheon together

367. in one day by myself.

368. Well, good luck...

369. 'cause I'm gonna plan

370. my own unity luncheon...

371. and I'm gonna call it, "The Luncheon for Unity,"

372. and I'm gonna get 100,000 chicken hot wings,

373. so that people will come to my party, not yours.

374. Almost there. Keep doing the finger guns.

375. The next time Candide places a match

376. against the wick of this lavender vanilla insult,

377. she'll find only too late that I have replaced it

378. with this humble stick of "dianamité."

379. Mr. B, did you embed dynamite in this candle?

380. I'm not allowed in here, remember?

381. And put razor blades in the shell soap?

382. - Nope! - And a harpoon in the toilet

383. that is activated by the flushing mechanism?

384. Why, the only other person

385. with access to the executive washroom...

386. is— Candide was trying to kill me.

387. Candide was trying to... kill— kill me.

388. Wait a minute. I've never worn pearls.

389. Candide must have gotten these for me.

390. Oh! They're bombs!

391. Wow, Joan, this is impressive.

392. You pulled together a hella swizz Unity Luncheon.

393. Thanks, guys. Hey, you haven't seen Abe, have you?

394. He said something about doing

395. his own unity lunch...

396. but I'm sure he wouldn't—

397. I've got 100,000 hot wings right here.

398. America's most beloved party food,

399. only served at my Luncheon for Unity.

400. So unfair. I was just trying

401. to impress a woman I ignored for years,

402. and then I get canceled. Oh, women are so hard to please.

403. - Seriously, man. - Thank you, Ivan the Terrible.

404. Finally someone gets how I feel.

405. I hate all women.

406. I hate them because I want to have sex with them

407. and they won't have sex with me because I hate them.

408. Okay. That's not quite how I feel.

409. Wait, there's more than one unity luncheon?

410. I want my own unity luncheon!

411. - Joan— - It's okay, Frida.

412. You don't have to say it.

413. I'm no longer included in the Inclusivity Committee.

414. I'm so sorry, girl.

415. No!

416. Oh, we were so close.

417. I guess high school is gonna be the same after all.

418. I think I screwed up, drugstore tiki torch.

419. Ow! Dinger! Paper cut.

420. Ow! Dinger! Paper cut.

421. Ow! Dinger!

422. Ow! Dinger! Ding— Dinger! Ow! Dinger!

423. Oh! Ah!

424. Attention everyone.

425. Today I ruined much more than a luncheon.

426. I ruined the best friendship I've ever had

427. with the best person I've ever known.

428. Joan is creative, and funny, and deserves to be popular.

429. I deserve to be punished. And for that punishment,

430. I deserve to have hot wing sauce poured into these paper cuts.

431. Who's with me?

432. Sorry, who's against me?

433. Hey, Joan, uh...

434. there's a really boring

435. black-and-white film festival tomorrow.

436. You wanna come with us?

437. Of course. Thanks, guys.

438. Uh. I'm sorry, Joan.

439. I don't know much about this crazy new world

440. we're living in.

441. But I do know that you make it a better place.

442. I really hope we can be friends again.

443. Oh, Abe, I always wanna be your friend.

444. Whether it's 2003 or 2000 and whatever this is.

445. Do you think we could ever maybe

446. - be more than frie— - Hey, JFK!

447. So, I've been thinking about your proposal,

448. and the more I think about it, the more I realize,

449. I'm thinking too much.

450. What I'm trying to say is,

451. I'd love to be your girlfriend.

452. I say we celebrate with some tongue twisting, huh?

453. Red leather, yellow leather!

454. Red leather, yellow leather!

455. She sells seashells by the seashore!

456. All right.

457. Now, let's kiss in the French style,

458. with poodles on our lap while appeasing Germany.