1. - Hi, I'm Dante.
- And I'm Randal.
Copy !req
2. Thank you.
Copy !req
3. We've been getting
a lot of fan mail lately,
Copy !req
4. and we thought tonight it
might be fun to take a look...
Copy !req
5. at a couple of letters
from you, the home viewer.
Copy !req
6. "Dear Clerks.
Copy !req
7. "Why are there no female
role models on your program,
Copy !req
8. "let alone any females
at all?
Copy !req
9. Where are all the women? Signed
Jen Schwalbach, Boca Raton, Florida."
Copy !req
10. That's cute.
Copy !req
11. Thanks for your letter, Jen.
Very pretty handwriting.
Copy !req
12. Next letter.
Copy !req
13. "Where are all the women on your show?
Are you guys afraid of women?"
Copy !req
14. Yes.
You read one.
Copy !req
15. "How come there are
no African Americans on your show?
Copy !req
16. "Aren't there any black people
in New Jersey?
Copy !req
17. Signed Richard Feyder,
Fort Lee, New Jersey."
Copy !req
18. - Wow, he's right.
- Yeah, this is a problem.
Copy !req
19. But one we're going
to rectify immediately.
Copy !req
20. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
our new black character, Lando.
Copy !req
21. So from now on, but especially tonight,
keep an eye out for Lando.
Copy !req
22. He'll be dispensing advice and guiding
me and Dante through our adventures.
Copy !req
23. - Hey, Lando, say "What up, yo."
- Hello.
Copy !req
24. - Clerks— A progressive show.
- Peace, out, homey.
Copy !req
25. Clerks is filmed
by a live studio audience.
Copy !req
26. Hello? Aha!
Copy !req
27. You can't tell me to go to work,
because I'm already at work.
Copy !req
28. What do you mean,
I can sleep in today?
Copy !req
29. - Who's gonna open instead?
- Good morning.
Copy !req
30. - What are you doing here?
- I needed a little extra cash,
Copy !req
31. so I told the boss
I'd open.
Copy !req
32. - What are you doing here?
- You suggested I sleep here last night,
Copy !req
33. - since I'd be opening this morning.
- That's pretty funny.
Copy !req
34. I'm going home. There's a shipment of
microwave burritos coming this morning.
Copy !req
35. Make sure you put them in the freezer
as soon as they get here.
Copy !req
36. Consider it already done.
Copy !req
37. - Hey, Lando.
- Hey, Randal.
Copy !req
38. I told you to bring the burritos in.
Now look at them.
Copy !req
39. You look at 'em. Hey, you wanna
take a swing at this Chia Pet?
Copy !req
40. - I named it Fifi.
- No.
Copy !req
41. I want you to throw these
out in the back Dumpster.
Copy !req
42. Man, I've been workin'
like a dog all morning.
Copy !req
43. Yo, youse guys sell Monkey Chow here?
Copy !req
44. - I'll handle this. No.
- Well, how about just monkeys?
Copy !req
45. No. Why do you ask?
Copy !req
46. Because they just opened up
a new pet store next door,
Copy !req
47. and me and Silent Bob
wanna buy a monkey.
Copy !req
48. - A monkey?
- Why do you wanna buy a monkey?
Copy !req
49. To teach it to smoke.
Duh.
Copy !req
50. Wow. A new pet store.
Wanna go check out the monkey?
Copy !req
51. - We should, if we're gonna kill it.
- What?
Copy !req
52. Kill a monkey?
Are you mad?
Copy !req
53. Man, didn't you see Outbreak?
One monkey almost
wiped out an entire town...
Copy !req
54. and Kevin Spacey with
the deadly Motaba virus.
Copy !req
55. Um, that was a movie.
This is real life.
Copy !req
56. You said the same thing
about Jaws when we were kids.
Copy !req
57. Because you refused
to sit on the toilet.
Copy !req
58. Sharks swim in water. There's
water in the toilet. I rest my case.
Copy !req
59. Sharks only swim
in salt water.
Copy !req
60. - I have salt water in my toilet.
- You're so naive.
Copy !req
61. - Come on. Let's go.
- Get rid of these burritos first.
Copy !req
62. Fine.
Copy !req
63. - Did you take care of the burritos?
- What do you think?
Copy !req
64. Holy crap! Isn't that
Dirty Dancing's Patrick Swayze?
Copy !req
65. - Hey, Patrick. Great horse.
- Hey, Randal.
Copy !req
66. I called the horse Ghost
like that movie I did.
Copy !req
67. - Gotcha. So, you own this place, huh?
- Yeah, I do.
Copy !req
68. - Of course.
- Swayze, get back to work!
Copy !req
69. I'm not paying you
to gab with the customers!
Copy !req
70. That's an important
Hollywood producer.
Copy !req
71. We're making a movie in the back room.
Copy !req
72. - What's the movie called?
- Get the hell back here...
Copy !req
73. - and clean up after these cats!
- That's the title of the movie.
Copy !req
74. I gotta get back to the, uh, set.
Copy !req
75. - Come on, Point Break.
- I thought you said his name was Ghost.
Copy !req
76. Yeah. Point Break
is his last name. Bye!
Copy !req
77. - How the hell you know that guy?
- Patrick?
Copy !req
78. He just moved next door
to me and my mom.
Copy !req
79. Critics love it when former
Dirty Dancing stars do TV shows.
Copy !req
80. - This isn't a TV show.
- Now who's being naive?
Copy !req
81. Hey, check it out.
Patient zero.
Copy !req
82. As God is my witness,
monkey,
Copy !req
83. you are not going to infect this town
with your filthy virus.
Copy !req
84. - Look how scared he is. He's shaking.
- No, he's masturbating.
Copy !req
85. Yeah, but it's out of fear.
Copy !req
86. Stand aside, people.
Everybody back.
Copy !req
87. Mr. Leonardo.
What are you doing here?
Copy !req
88. Mr. Leonardo is here to pose for
a publicity shot for Fortune magazine.
Copy !req
89. Why are you posing in the pet store
for Fortune instead of your own office?
Copy !req
90. All right. It's not Fortune.
It's for People.
Copy !req
91. And People wants you
to pose at a pet store?
Copy !req
92. Fine.
It's for Pet Store Weekly.
Copy !req
93. Well played, clerks.
Copy !req
94. Oh, dear.
Something scared that monkey.
Copy !req
95. Oh, God, will you please
get them out of here!
Copy !req
96. They're stinking up the place.
Copy !req
97. I just hope no one ever
says that about your parents.
Copy !req
98. - Emergency. Coming through. Stand aside.
- What happened?
Copy !req
99. That filthy monkey bit him. Get me
a rag, a needle and some fishing line.
Copy !req
100. I'm going to have to
field dress this puncture wound.
Copy !req
101. - How about just a Band-Aid?
- Okay.
Copy !req
102. They've got a first aid kit
at the gas station. I'll be right back.
Copy !req
103. Man, there's this big bee
out by the garbage.
Copy !req
104. - What the devil are those?
- Descreeto Burritos.
Copy !req
105. Why are they steaming
and reeking?
Copy !req
106. - They're the expensive kind.
- I must have them.
Copy !req
107. I'll take the whole box.
Copy !req
108. Exquisite.
Copy !req
109. - What happened to your hand?
- He was bit by that filthy monkey.
Copy !req
110. Monkey?
That's it! Get out!
Copy !req
111. Wait. You owe me
for the burritos.
Copy !req
112. - Can you break a hundred?
- No. Now, get out. Out!
Copy !req
113. Sorry I took so long.
There was this big bee.
Copy !req
114. Leonardo got bit by the monkey.
Now we have to kill him too.
Copy !req
115. I want you to let this go.
Understand?
Copy !req
116. I understand you're going to
ignore this particular problem...
Copy !req
117. until it swims up
and bites you on the ass.
Copy !req
118. That was from Jaws.
Copy !req
119. - Hey again, Lando.
- Hey again, Randal.
Copy !req
120. La cucaracha
Copy !req
121. Quick! Which way
is the hospital?
Copy !req
122. Right next to the city dump.
Copy !req
123. Due to the recent
lawsuit by Dustin Hoffman...
Copy !req
124. over the alleged unauthorized
use of his likeness,
Copy !req
125. the face of Dustin Hoffman in Randal's
cartoon brain calculation...
Copy !req
126. will be played by
Al Pacino!
Copy !req
127. Oh, my God!
It's happening!
Copy !req
128. - Just like in that— movie.
- Al Pacino.
Copy !req
129. Hey, man.
What are you doing?
Copy !req
130. I'm going to call
my broker.
Copy !req
131. - That's a candy phone.
- Right.
Copy !req
132. Hello?
Center for Disease Control?
Copy !req
133. Hi, it's Randal. How are ya? Uh-huh.
Copy !req
134. We're gonna need a quarantine down here.
Every store in this complex...
Copy !req
135. is crawling with
the deadly Motaba virus.
Copy !req
136. Yeah, I'll hold.
Just don't inhale.
Copy !req
137. I knew he didn't have a broker.
Copy !req
138. - How you doin'? You in charge?
- If anyone was in charge, it'd be me.
Copy !req
139. Major Baklava, Center For Disease
Control, United States Armed Forces.
Copy !req
140. We've been alerted to the Motaba
outbreak in this block of stores.
Copy !req
141. - How you doin'? Okay?
- Look, there's no outbreak here.
Copy !req
142. You're victims of an overactive
imagination of a pop-culture loudmouth.
Copy !req
143. Quentin Tarantino?
Copy !req
144. Look, perhaps you should let the
scientists and the C.I.A. operatives...
Copy !req
145. pretending to be scientists
be the judges of that.
Copy !req
146. From this point forward,
we're in control. Okay, babe?
Copy !req
147. Have you started burning bodies?
I want a front row seat for the pyre.
Copy !req
148. Tell me you haven't burned
Dante yet.
Copy !req
149. Oh, Dante.
You're alive. Thank God.
Copy !req
150. Look, there's no
Motaba virus here.
Copy !req
151. That's the virus speaking.
Let's move up his burning.
Copy !req
152. We haven't been exposed
to any virus.
Copy !req
153. Oh, no?
Bring him in.
Copy !req
154. - Oh, my God!
- Oh. Oh, Plug.
Copy !req
155. I see a light.
A bright, wonderful light.
Copy !req
156. Sorry.
Copy !req
157. Sir, you must help him.
Copy !req
158. If any of my parts or circuits
will help, I'll gladly donate them.
Copy !req
159. Circuits? What are you,
some kind of a robot?
Copy !req
160. Of course not.
It's just an expression.
Copy !req
161. New program.
Kill the human Randal.
Copy !req
162. - Hey!
- That's just an expression.
Copy !req
163. All right, boys, if you'll follow me
to the command center.
Copy !req
164. - This is a coffee machine.
- Welcome to the command center.
Copy !req
165. Now, we're gonna have to draw blood
samples to see if you've been infected.
Copy !req
166. I'm afraid we'll need to take a complete
sexual history from both of you.
Copy !req
167. - What?
- It's standard virus procedure.
Copy !req
168. And here to take your sexual histories
are two giggling girls.
Copy !req
169. When was the last time you had sex?
Copy !req
170. - About a year ago.
- A year?
Copy !req
171. - This stinks.
- Shut up.
Copy !req
172. - Maybe we can have sex with them.
- Ew.
Copy !req
173. This is Tovah Hernandez-Carlson
coming to you live...
Copy !req
174. from Leonardo, New Jersey,
Copy !req
175. where a hermetically-sealed bubble
has surrounded this block of stores...
Copy !req
176. known to this neighborhood
as "The Block of Stores."
Copy !req
177. We go now to city hall.
Copy !req
178. Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor.
Copy !req
179. Good afternoon.
I'm sorry.
Copy !req
180. I was on my way
to a costume party...
Copy !req
181. when I got the news
of this outbreak,
Copy !req
182. and the zipper
on my costume got stuck.
Copy !req
183. We have been able
to determine almost positively, uh,
Copy !req
184. that this bubble was erected
from beneath the stores...
Copy !req
185. by the fierce and dreaded
Mole People,
Copy !req
186. who dwell in
the earth's core.
Copy !req
187. Very funny, guys.
Copy !req
188. Dante, if you can hear me,
Mommy and Daddy...
Copy !req
189. are doing everything they can
to get you out alive and safe.
Copy !req
190. - Bring home the new TV Guide.
- Be more supportive.
Copy !req
191. Give those Mole People
hell, son.
Copy !req
192. Plug, promise me. No matter
what the papers or anyone else says,
Copy !req
193. you'll tell everyone
that I had the Motaba virus.
Copy !req
194. But, sir, you do have
the Motaba virus.
Copy !req
195. Right. Motaba,
and not something else.
Copy !req
196. - It is Motaba.
- Of course it is.
Copy !req
197. What else could have made me
so sick and weak?
Copy !req
198. Oh, and Plug,
I want you to choose...
Copy !req
199. - a suitable picture for my obituary.
- How about this one?
Copy !req
200. No! Absolutely not. The tabloids
will have a field day with that.
Copy !req
201. Then how about this one?
Copy !req
202. - Perfect.
- So, gentlemen.
Copy !req
203. - Your blood tests came back clean.
- That's good, right?
Copy !req
204. We don't believe the tests, so we figure
you have about 24 hours left to live.
Copy !req
205. - What?
- I knew we were gonna die in this place.
Copy !req
206. I just thought it would be
at each other's hands.
Copy !req
207. Clerks, since you
only have one day left,
Copy !req
208. the government has agreed to make it
the best day of your life.
Copy !req
209. You can do
anything you want.
Copy !req
210. Anything?
Copy !req
211. Can we get two cheeseburgers,
no ketchup, and two with no pickles?
Copy !req
212. Hey, these have
ketchup on them.
Copy !req
213. We ordered two cheeseburgers without
ketchup, and these have ketchup on them.
Copy !req
214. I don't believe it.
Copy !req
215. They did it again.
Copy !req
216. I thought you said
two cheeseburgers with ketchup.
Copy !req
217. - No. No ketchup.
- Why don't you just wipe it off?
Copy !req
218. "Dear sirs.
On February 13,
Copy !req
219. "we tried to order a cheeseburger
with no ketchup...
Copy !req
220. "and were treated
very rudely by your staff.
Copy !req
221. "Plus, we never got our cheeseburger
and have one day left to live.
Copy !req
222. Signed, Dante Hicks
and Randal Graves."
Copy !req
223. Time's up, boys. Gee, I hope you
accomplished everything you wanted to.
Copy !req
224. If you mail this for us,
I'd say we had pretty full lives.
Copy !req
225. Okay, then. Other than watching you die,
there's really nothing left we can do.
Copy !req
226. Major, isn't there some way
to cure Motaba?
Copy !req
227. Yes, yes, there is.
Burning you alive, actually.
Copy !req
228. What if we found the host monkey
and made an antidote from its blood?
Copy !req
229. I don't know.
I guess.
Copy !req
230. - Where can we find the infected monkey?
- Gerbils, Gerbils, Gerbils.
Copy !req
231. Patrick Swayze's pet store,
a few stores down.
Copy !req
232. Patrick Swayze?
Who is that?
Copy !req
233. - Hello? Patrick?
- Everyone's gone, and so is the monkey.
Copy !req
234. And I think I know
just who took him.
Copy !req
235. Good.
Now, inhale.
Copy !req
236. Yo, try the lights.
Copy !req
237. - We're never gonna find that monkey.
- Top of the morning, boys.
Copy !req
238. Leonardo.
You're looking much better.
Copy !req
239. Feeling better too. In fact,
I'm even getting my appetite back.
Copy !req
240. Plug?
Copy !req
241. Hey, aren't those—
Copy !req
242. Oh, yes, I can feel it.
Copy !req
243. I'll be back on my feet
in no time.
Copy !req
244. Oh. Oh, God.
Copy !req
245. I don't feel— Plug!
Copy !req
246. He was doing so much better.
This does not compute.
Copy !req
247. Hey, that guy is a robot.
Copy !req
248. I know.
Everyone's a robot.
Copy !req
249. They're all trying
to kill you.
Copy !req
250. - This time I'm right.
- Did you sell Leonardo those burritos?
Copy !req
251. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
Copy !req
252. This is all your fault.
He's sick from the burritos, you idiot!
Copy !req
253. - There never was any virus.
- Oh, you're so sure there's no virus.
Copy !req
254. I knew it.
You're a robot too!
Copy !req
255. No. I know there's no virus
because you think there is.
Copy !req
256. Name me one time
you've been right about anything.
Copy !req
257. What about that time I said, "There's
two jobs open at the block of stores.
Copy !req
258. "Excellent pay, huge opportunities
for advancement.
Copy !req
259. We'll do it for six months
and then move on"?
Copy !req
260. Oh, my God, you're right.
I'm always wrong.
Copy !req
261. See? Now, go tell Baklava
so we can stop all this.
Copy !req
262. - Dante was wrong about the outbreak.
- Cool.
Copy !req
263. - It is?
- Yeah. I just heard from Washington.
Copy !req
264. In order to control
the spread of the virus,
Copy !req
265. in one hour's time this town
will be liquidated.
Copy !req
266. The bomber is on its way here
as we speak.
Copy !req
267. What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
Copy !req
268. - Hey, fellas, why don't you try—
- Not now, Lando.
Copy !req
269. - Where are we going?
- To the roof.
Copy !req
270. We gotta find that monkey and stop
the bomber from destroying our town.
Copy !req
271. But those two idiots could have
that monkey miles from here by now.
Copy !req
272. Be good!
Copy !req
273. Phone home!
Phone home!
Copy !req
274. It's only funny
if you talk, stupid.
Copy !req
275. - You see them?
- No, but there's that kid in the helmet.
Copy !req
276. - Look at him.
- That's not very helpful.
Copy !req
277. We could probably get
a better view with that thing.
Copy !req
278. And I know just who can fly it.
Hey, Lando!
Copy !req
279. - Ready when you are.
- Not you. The other Lando.
Copy !req
280. Yo!
Copy !req
281. Ladies and gentlemen,
the chief of police.
Copy !req
282. Citizens of Leonardo,
like the mayor,
Copy !req
283. I too was on my way
to a costume party.
Copy !req
284. But interestingly enough,
not the same costume party.
Copy !req
285. I'm able to remove my costume,
but I've decided to wear it...
Copy !req
286. as a protection
against the outbreak.
Copy !req
287. That concludes
my opening remarks.
Copy !req
288. I will now take your questions
about the virus.
Copy !req
289. - Who are you supposed to be?
- I'm Big Mac,
Copy !req
290. the beloved constable and best friend
of Ronald McDonald.
Copy !req
291. Now, about the virus.
Copy !req
292. Will this administration ever bring
the Hamburglar to justice?
Copy !req
293. No— Yes.
Copy !req
294. Look, does anyone have a question about
the deadly virus that could kill us all?
Copy !req
295. Could the virus
kill the Grimace?
Copy !req
296. Nothing can kill the Grimace.
All right, we're done here.
Copy !req
297. Return home. Everything will be fine
as long as we stay outside the bubble.
Copy !req
298. I repeat, so long as the bubble
is intact, everything is fine.
Copy !req
299. - What's wrong with them?
- Do you see Jay and Silent Bob?
Copy !req
300. No, but that kid in the helmet is
banging his head against a fire hydrant.
Copy !req
301. Look at him.
Copy !req
302. That's the target.
Copy !req
303. Take your stinkin' paws off me,
you damn dirty ape!
Copy !req
304. That's from Planet of the Apes.
Snoogins.
Copy !req
305. I just can't stay mad
at that monkey.
Copy !req
306. - What's he doing?
- Nicotine fit.
Copy !req
307. What's he doing?
Copy !req
308. Nicotine fit.
Copy !req
309. Dante, can you read me?
Dante.
Copy !req
310. Your only hope is to try to
talk to the pilots man to man.
Copy !req
311. That's it! Quick,
change the radio's frequency.
Copy !req
312. To their frequency!
Copy !req
313. I'm talking to the pilots in the bomber
that is heading towards the Quick Stop.
Copy !req
314. My name is Dante Hicks.
Copy !req
315. Please, guys.
You've gotta believe me.
Copy !req
316. There is no virus in either
Quick Stop or Leonardo.
Copy !req
317. It was a hoax played by an idiot
with too much free time on his hands.
Copy !req
318. - Quentin Tarantino?
- Please.
Copy !req
319. I'm only 27 and I work
in a convenience store.
Copy !req
320. I never really lived, and there's
still so much left for me to do.
Copy !req
321. - And I'm gay.
- Shut up. I am not gay!
Copy !req
322. Now, wait a second there,
Dante.
Copy !req
323. Sometimes it's hard to
"not be gay,"
Copy !req
324. especially when you're afraid
your friends won't understand.
Copy !req
325. But we're all different,
aren't we?
Copy !req
326. I mean, that's what makes it
such a beautiful world— diversity.
Copy !req
327. Well, maybe you've been afraid all these
years of letting down your parents,
Copy !req
328. or even disillusioning
an ex-girlfriend.
Copy !req
329. But it's okay, son.
It's okay to be gay.
Copy !req
330. So I guess what I'm saying is,
Copy !req
331. I'm willing to disobey a direct order
from my superiors...
Copy !req
332. if you're willing
to be honest with yourself.
Copy !req
333. Well, what's it going to be,
Copy !req
334. Dante Hicks of 21 Jackson Street,
Leonardo, New Jersey, 07732?
Copy !req
335. Yes, I'm gay.
Copy !req
336. This stinks.
Copy !req
337. - 'Atta boy.
- Oh, God, I knew it.
Copy !req
338. Way to go,
you beautiful, gay bastard!
Copy !req
339. - Yeah!
- Get back to work, Swayze!
Copy !req
340. Washington, this is Echo 7.
Copy !req
341. We're coming home with payload intact,
all thanks to a brave young man—
Copy !req
342. Gay man. Sorry.
Brave, young, gay man.
Copy !req
343. Dante Hicks. 21 Jackson Street,
Leonardo, New Jersey, 07732.
Copy !req
344. You boys stopped
a terrible thing from happening.
Copy !req
345. This town is in your debt.
Especially yours, sugar.
Copy !req
346. Bye, Major.
Copy !req
347. I'm off too. The pet store business
is more trouble than it's worth.
Copy !req
348. I'm off to L.A. to play an irritated
neighbor in an Adam Sandler movie.
Copy !req
349. Wow. Can you get us
his autograph?
Copy !req
350. No.
Copy !req
351. Hi-ho, Roadhouse! Away!
Copy !req
352. Who's playing that song?
Copy !req
353. Baby
Copy !req
354. She's a hottie, Silent Bob.
I think we're in. Nong.
Copy !req
355. So, Lando, now that this is all done,
what's on your mind?
Copy !req
356. All right. Here we go.
Fellas, I—
Copy !req
357. So I told him,
"No way! That'll cost you $20."
Copy !req
358. I have a big science test tomorrow.
I hate science.
Copy !req
359. - Hate science?
- Oh, my God!
Copy !req
360. It's NBA all-star
Charles Barkley!
Copy !req
361. That's right, kids.
But you shouldn't hate science.
Copy !req
362. Science is our friend, and when—
Copy !req
363. Get him!
Copy !req
364. We do the "Science Sez"
segments. Got it?
Copy !req