1. Next week on Clerks.
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2. Hello? No way.
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3. It's my day off.
I'm not comin' in!
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4. I don't care what it is—
fire, flood, robbery.
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5. What? We were robbed?
I'll be right there.
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6. Crime scene.
Nobody enters.
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7. - I work here, sir.
- Poor bastard.
It's pretty gruesome.
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8. - They tore this place apart.
- Animals.
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9. Actually, officer, this is how
we left it last night.
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10. Son, you sell
cigarettes here.
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11. Show some pride.
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12. The first step to respecting
yourself is respecting the job.
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13. Almost forgot. Do you have
a copy of Fat Chics?
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14. Clerks is drawn
before a live studio audience.
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15. There you are.
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16. Are you gonna open
the video store?
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17. In a minute, you harpie.
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18. - Good morning.
- It's 11:59.
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19. - Still technically the morning.
- He's got you there.
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20. - Who's this?
- This is a locksmith.
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21. He's putting new locks
on all the doors.
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22. - We were robbed.
- Was it you?
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23. - Inside job?
- No!
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24. Okay, all done here.
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25. Nobody is getting
in this door.
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26. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I should get back.
They broke into my place too.
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27. This thing looks
pretty flimsy.
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28. Randal, remember
what that guy said?
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29. Nobody is getting
in this door.
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30. Sorry.
I forgot my tools.
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31. - I think we should
test it out.
- Fine. Test it out.
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32. - Seems pretty good.
- I stand corrected.
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33. - What are you doing in here?
- I wanted to test it too.
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34. Great.
Now we're locked in.
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35. What? We're trapped?
This is all your fault.
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36. We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!
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37. Calm down!
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38. - God, it's cold.
- It's Hoth cold.
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39. Move around. Make more Star Wars
references. It helps to stay warm.
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40. You know, if this were a sitcom
and we got locked in a freezer,
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41. we'd probably flash back
to all our old episodes.
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42. Yeah.
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43. Say, do you remember
that time...
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44. Leonardo Leonardo opened
that convenience store
across the street?
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45. Oh, yeah.
The convenience store of the future.
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46. I give you,
the people of Leonardo,
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47. the future!
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48. Boy, I thought we were
in trouble for sure.
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49. Speaking of trouble,
how about that time Leonardo
had us up to his office?
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50. I want to offer you a job
working here for me.
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51. I want you
lock, stock and barrel.
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52. - Is this some sort of gay thing?
- No.
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53. - You're sure?
- Yes.
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54. - That was the same time.
- What?
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55. That was the same time Leonardo
opened the convenience store
across the street.
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56. Right. Well,
what about the time...
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57. we had to break into
Leonardo's office?
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58. We're almost there.
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59. Why are we walking
like this?
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60. That was also the same time.
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61. - So?
- So, a lot more's happened to us
than just last week.
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62. Oh, yeah?
Name something.
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63. Well—
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64. Ah! Do you remember
the first time we ever met?
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65. Oh, yeah.
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66. We're almost there.
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67. Why are we walking
like this?
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68. That wasn't the first time we met.
That was last week again.
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69. Sorry. The cold
must be getting to me.
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70. You gotta stay awake.
Someone will find us.
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71. Now, think back. Do you
remember the first time we met?
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72. Oh, my God.
That was 15 years ago.
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73. 1985.
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74. Dante, this is Randal.
Randal, Dante.
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75. - Hey.
- Hi.
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76. God. I can't believe
what we looked like back then.
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77. You know, I don't think
that is the first time
we ever met each other.
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78. - Of course it is.
- No, wait.
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79. When we were little, did you
ever have a lemonade stand?
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80. Flashing back to little Randal
in the '70s selling lemonade.
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81. Does this lemonade have
sugar in it? I'm a diabetic.
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82. I don't know.
Sure.
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83. Oh, well, never mind.
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84. What?
Then no.
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85. - Really?
- Whatever.
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86. What's that?
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87. Hey, Randal, I want you
to meet my cousin, Dante.
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88. - Hi.
- Hey.
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89. So, do you remember
meeting me?
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90. Huh?
Yeah, whatever.
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91. It's frozen.
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92. Hey, it's Mrs. Koren.
She'll help us.
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93. - I knew the customers had to be
good for something eventually.
- Mrs. Koren!
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94. She took my coat. I carry
her groceries all the time.
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95. The weed of crime bears
bitter fruit, you old hag!
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96. Wow. Where have I
heard that before?
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97. The weed of crime bears
bitter fruit, you old hag!
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98. This is for you.
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99. Oh, yeah.
Boy, her mother was hot.
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100. Hey, do you think
there's enough air in here?
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101. - No.
- You know what this
reminds me of?
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102. The last time we got
locked in a freezer.
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103. Remember?
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104. Let's make sure, whatever we do,
this never happens again.
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105. You know what this
reminds me of?
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106. The last time we got locked
in a freezer. Remember?
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107. Let's make sure, whatever we do,
this never happens again.
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108. All right, well,
let's make sure that this time,
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109. whatever we do,
this never happens again.
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110. Hey, how'd we get out of the freezer
those last two times?
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111. - You know, I don't remember.
- Me neither. Weird.
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112. - Snooch to the nooch.
- How did you get in here?
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113. - The metal thing with the knob.
- It's a door.
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114. Don't let it... shut.
Locked.
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115. - Are we stuck in here?
- Yep.
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116. - Cool!
- Psst.
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117. They're using all our air.
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118. No they're not.
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119. Soda monster!
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120. It's amazing
what you can do with ice.
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121. Man, it's cold in here,
like that planet Hoth in Empire.
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122. We've already made
that Star Wars reference.
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123. If we had a light saber,
I could—
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124. slice up tubby here,
and we could crawl inside him
and stay warm for the night.
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125. Let me out!
Someone!
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126. How'd youse guys
get stuck in here anyway?
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127. That's easy. I remember it
just like it was yesterday.
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128. I'm going to
restock the shelves,
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129. and then I'm off to accept
my Nobel Peace Prize.
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130. As for you, Dante,
don't let that door shut.
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131. I'm the biggest idiot ever.
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132. That's not what happened.
That's not what happened at all.
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133. - Dude, you're a tool.
- He doesn't even have
a Peace Prize!
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134. Yeah, right.
You know, one time,
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135. me and Silent Bob were
by this metal thing with a knob.
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136. Snooch to the nooch.
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137. - Youse guys remember that?
- Yes! You just did it.
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138. Deja-frickin'-vu.
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139. Well,
that was pointless.
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140. - Yeah.
- How about you?
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141. We're almost there.
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142. Why are we walking
like this?
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143. You know, we've been in here
for almost six hours.
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144. It's funny. Sitting here, trapped
in a freezer, waiting to die,
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145. you know what I've been
thinking about?
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146. Which one of them
we're gonna eat?
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147. - No. I was thinking
of Kaitlin Bree.
- Oh, I knew that chick.
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148. - She was sweet!
- Kaitlin and I went steady
for most of high school.
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149. You know, I lost
my virginity to her.
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150. Duh. I know that.
I was there.
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151. Oh, Kaitlin.
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152. Ah, Kaitlin-Shmaitlin.
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153. She cheated on you all the time,
broke your heart...
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154. and left you an obsessed
wreck of a man who works...
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155. - in a convenience store.
- You work here too.
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156. At least I have my dignity,
and tapes of you
having sex with Kaitlin.
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157. You know,
she only cheated on me once.
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158. Oh, yeah? Remember the time she
got you to help paint her house?
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159. - Nobody's perfect.
- Do you remember what happened
at your dad's birthday party?
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160. For he's a jolly good fellow
which nobody can deny
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161. Where's Kaitlin?
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162. I thought it was weird
that she invited the painter
to my dad's birthday party.
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163. And how about that time at
the painter's birthday party?
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164. I thought it was weird that
the painter invited us...
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165. - to his birthday party.
- I rest my case.
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166. Man, give the guy a break.
You're like the cops.
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167. I remember this one time
Silent Bob and I were on the run.
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168. - She was with two painters?
- At the same time.
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169. - I understand.
- Dude, it was a three-way!
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170. - What do you say we talk about—
- An all-painter three-way, man!
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171. Randal, how would you like it if
we talk about your love life?
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172. You always have
to bring this up?
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173. - You ordered an Asian
mail-order bride.
- He did?
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174. Well, it turns out Randal
filled out the form wrong.
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175. Instead of ordering
a mail-order bride—
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176. I got a mail-order husband.
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177. I go to work now at factory.
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178. Dinner must be on the table
at 5:15 when I return.
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179. Look, buddy, I don't know
who you think—
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180. How dare you talk back!
You have disgraced me.
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181. Now, walk me to my car.
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182. You are to remain three steps
behind me at all times.
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183. - Fine.
- No talking!
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184. Ew! You were married
to a dude?
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185. Actually,
it wasn't so bad.
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186. I am pleased!
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187. Domo, Toshiro-san.
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188. Dude, so what happened
to your guy husband?
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189. His company transferred him
back to Japan, thank God.
Right, Randal?
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190. Right.
Good-bye, Toshiro,
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191. wherever you are.
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192. Well, look on the bright side.
You know what they say:
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193. "Unlucky at love,
lucky at cards."
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194. That's us to a "T."
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195. You lose!
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196. I guess we're not lucky
at cards or love.
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197. Which is why we almost
became priests, remember?
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198. Do you,
Novitiates Hicks and Graves,
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199. before God and His church, now
voluntarily take the solemn vows...
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200. of obedience, poverty
and chastity?
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201. We do.
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202. Then by the powers invested in me
by the state of New Jersey,
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203. I now pronounce you
man and wife.
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204. What?
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205. I can't believe I married
two guys in one year.
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206. Come on, Silent Bob. Let's
get out of here before this
guy makes you his next bride.
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207. How are you gonna
manage that, genius?
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208. Oh, my God.
We're free!
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209. Free, free, free!
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210. No, I meant we're free.
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211. Can you give me a lift?
I just have to grab something
from the video store.
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212. It's 3:00 a.m. My baby has been
home alone since this morning.
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213. - Where have you been?
- Sorry, ma'am. We close at 9:00.
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214. Uh-oh. The key
broke in the lock.
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215. We're trapped?
Again?
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216. Hello? Anyone?
Lady with the dead baby?
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217. It's official.
God is mocking us.
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218. - Man, it's hot in here.
- Turn on the AC.
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219. It's like a freezer in here.
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220. You broke the air conditioning,
and now it's freezing.
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221. - Use your crowbar again.
- It wasn't me, remember?
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222. Oh, yeah.
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223. Even though I remember
who had the crowbar,
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224. I'm still
the biggest idiot ever.
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225. - Stop that.
- Hey, you wanna watch a video?
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226. - Good idea. What do you got?
- Spielberg's latest opus.
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227. It combines his nose
for commercial properties...
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228. with his integrity as
a chronicler of the holocaust.
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229. Flintstone's List.
Liam Neeson as "Fred."
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230. We're not watching that.
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231. Hey, remember the time
we watched that?
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232. Take them away.
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233. Amistad was much funnier.
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234. You know, sitting here
with all these movies,
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235. I was just thinking about
all the cool celebrities...
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236. that have stopped into
the Quick Stop over the years.
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237. Yeah, we've sure seen
our share of stars...
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238. for a little convenience store
in New Jersey.
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239. - Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
- I'm on a break.
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240. - Why does 2% milk—
- I don't care. I'm on a break.
Get out of here!
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241. - But I have a membership.
Paltrow, Gwyneth.
- I said, get out of here.
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242. We're closed. Get the hell out!
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243. Get the hell out,
Scorsese!
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244. Screw you, Miss Hepburn!
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245. Up yours, Matt Damon!
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246. - It's Ted Danson!
- Hey, it's Ted Danson!
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247. Hey, it's Ted Danson.
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248. It's payback time.
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249. And that's just some of the fun
we've had here in Leonardo.
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250. How about all the places
we've travelled over the years?
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251. Do you remember
that contest we won?
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252. Two weeks in merry old
London, England.
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253. Working in an English
convenience store.
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254. Ahh, this is the life.
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255. We've just gotta
get away more often.
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256. - Pack of fags.
- You're a fag.
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257. - It's a cigarette, mate.
- I'm not your mate, fag.
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258. Boy, it wasn't
until years later...
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259. that we found out what "fag"
really meant, right, mate?
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260. - You're a fag.
- No.
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261. - A fag's a cigarette, remember?
- You're a cigarette.
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262. Well, at least that London trip
was a lot better than our next trip.
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263. Amongst the living dead
of India.
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264. Do you have any chutney,
lassie?
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265. - In the back next to the milk.
- We don't have any milk.
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266. - We do now.
- Milk!
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267. How come all you convenience store
guys are always American?
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268. Speak Hindu.
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269. - Boy, that trip was really ironic.
- Yeah, that was some great irony.
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270. But let's not forget our
most memorable trip of all.
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271. Ew.
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272. Let's get out of here.
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273. You know, lookin' back, I'd say
we make a pretty good team.
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274. Except for that time we moved
out of our folks' places
and got an apartment together.
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275. Remember how we split it
in half like a bad sitcom?
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276. That's your side,
this is mine.
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277. I better not see you
touchin' my side.
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278. - Fine.
- Fine.
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279. Hey, stupids,
I live here too.
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280. - Right, yeah.
- Uh, sorry.
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281. Then I found us
a great place to live
at that beach house,
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282. but you got us thrown out
from the Real World.
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283. You're kickin' Randal out?
You're kickin' Randal out?
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284. Oh, like none of you
have ever done what Randal did.
Randal doesn't need this.
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285. He's been my friend for years,
but it was too creepy.
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286. He just kept referring
to himself in the third person.
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287. Randal doesn't need them. Randal
will start his own Real World.
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288. And I did, with the help
of the store security camera.
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289. Welcome to Randal's Real World.
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290. It doesn't get any realer
than this piece of footage.
Let's take a look.
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291. I'm Dante,
and I'm the biggest idiot ever.
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292. - I never saw your show.
- You'd have loved it.
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293. Speaking of shows,
how about that time...
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294. I won the big dance contest
with Joanie Cunningham.
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295. That wasn't you. That was Fonzie
on an episode of Happy Days.
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296. Oh, yeah.
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297. Boy, Happy Days
had a lot of great moments.
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298. Do you remember the one where
the Fonz jumped over all those
trash cans outside of Arnold's?
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299. Hey!
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300. And how about the one where the Fonz
jumped over the shark? Wow!
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301. Hey!
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302. Hey!
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303. Or what about the time Richie
was on the dude ranch...
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304. and Joanie fell asleep
on the wagon—
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305. We talked about old Happy Days
episodes for the rest of the night.
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306. When we didn't come home,
my mom sent the cops to look for us.
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307. They had to break down the door
of the video store.
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308. And that's when we remembered
there was a phone we could've used.
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309. - See you guys later. Good game.
- See ya.
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310. - Great story. We'll see you later.
- Come on, Randal.
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311. Let's go home.
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312. - I don't believe this!
- Come on.
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313. Wait a minute.
There's a door over there.
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314. I didn't see
much of the guys after that night.
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315. - Dante moved away.
- He's married now, I heard.
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316. Randal? Well,
he owns the video store.
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317. I always say hi
when I stop in.
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318. Skeeter was drafted
and killed in Vietnam.
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319. As for Silent Bob, well,
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320. he became
Senator Robert Blutarski.
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321. They were my best friends.
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322. Grandpa, you promised
you'd take us for ice cream.
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323. Okay. Let's go.
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324. Snooch to the nooch.
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325. Next week on Clerks.
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326. Now, let's make sure, whatever
we do, this never happens again.
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327. You said it!
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328. We're almost there.
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329. Why are we walking
like this?
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330. - It's been raining all day.
- I'm bored.
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331. I know. Let's make a movie.
Take off your shirt.
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332. - Hold it, kids.
- Oh, my God!
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333. - It's Jay and Silly Bob!
- That's Silent Bob.
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334. - And NBA great, Charles Barkley!
- Hey, kids.
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335. I thought we told you
to get out of here!
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336. Now that he's gone, how would you
kids like to learn a magic trick?
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337. Yea!
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338. Watch what happens when we take
an ordinary quarter,
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339. cover it with this glass
and a handkerchief,
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340. and say the magic words.
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341. - Alika-nooch!
- It's gone!
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342. That's right.
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343. Now, how would you, and you at home,
like to learn the secret?
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344. First, get your mom's permission
to use the scissors.
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345. Find a piece of paper,
three pieces of tape and
an ordinary drinking glass.
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346. First, we cut a small paper circle
and tape it to the glass.
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347. That way the quarter's covered
when we put the glass over it.
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348. Then we say the magic words,
alika-nooch,
and evoke the dark lord, Satan.
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349. We offer this girl's soul
to you, Master.
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350. And... the quarter is gone.
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351. - Ta-da!
- That's great!
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352. - I'm scared.
- Thanks, Jay.
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353. - Thanks, Silent Bob.
- Sure. Whatever.
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354. And remember,
just because it rains—
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355. - Doesn't mean you can't
have a parade.
- What?
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356. Now take off your shirt.
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