1. Ready to get swamped
by our adoring fans?Copy !req
2. What's the matter, Spade?
Nobody love you?Copy !req
3. No.Copy !req
4. After you.Copy !req
5. Ladies and gentlemen,
Randal is in the building.Copy !req
6. This can't be.
Maybe we're early.Copy !req
7. Actually, we're ten minutes late.Copy !req
8. Uh, hi, loyal fans.Copy !req
9. I'm Dante and this is Randal.Copy !req
10. We're the stars of the hit
A.B.C. cartoon Clerks,Copy !req
11. and we're ready
to take your questions.Copy !req
12. - Are you guys gay or what?
- No! Next question.Copy !req
13. Yeah. I love the movie Clerks,
but I think your show sucks hard.Copy !req
14. It's in color, right,
and nobody curses?Copy !req
15. It's nothing like the movie,
with all the monkeys...Copy !req
16. and the Little League stuff
and the evil billionaire guy.Copy !req
17. It's like it's on The Simpsons.Copy !req
18. Doh!Copy !req
19. I also feel that you guys
come off as gay on the show.Copy !req
20. - Thank you.
- That wasn't even a question.Copy !req
21. Yeah. I wanted to ask you,
how little you guys sold out for,Copy !req
22. and what it feels like to have
no soul and a black heart?Copy !req
23. Oh, oh, and when will Ellen
be guesting on your very gay show?Copy !req
24. - I can't believe it.
They hate the show.
- Yeah, and they think you're gay.Copy !req
25. We have to do something.
We've gotta make the show
more like the movie, quick!Copy !req
26. But why? The network
thinks it's great,Copy !req
27. and the network would never
let a bad show on the air,
even if they owned it.Copy !req
28. - Would they?
- Boys and girls of America,Copy !req
29. from this point on I promise
Clerks, the cartoon is going to
be more like Clerks, the movie.Copy !req
30. - Who are you talking to?
- We're bringing it back
to its roots. You have my word.Copy !req
31. Nothing but old school Clerks.Copy !req
32. We're keepin' it real, folks.Copy !req
33. - Hello?
— Neo, I've been looking for you.Copy !req
34. - Are you ready to learn
the truth about the Matrix?
- What?Copy !req
35. Oh, my God.Copy !req
36. - Not off to a good start, are we?
- Nope.Copy !req
37. Come on. Let's get to work.Copy !req
38. I closed the shutters.
Hit the lights and
we're out of here.Copy !req
39. Thank God.
Man, what a day.Copy !req
40. All you did was read Highlights
for Children for 12 hours.Copy !req
41. - I was doing research
for our lawsuit.
- What lawsuit?Copy !req
42. You mean to tell me
you don't notice the more than
coincidental similarities...Copy !req
43. between us and "Goofus and Gallant"?Copy !req
44. It's like someone's been
co-opting our lives for publication.Copy !req
45. - So, wanna catch a flick?
- Can't.Copy !req
46. - Dinner with the folks?
Someone die?
- Nope. No.Copy !req
47. - Gonna kill your folks?
- God, no!Copy !req
48. - Did it ever occur to you
I might have a date tonight?
- Eww. With your folks?Copy !req
49. Nope.
With Caitlin Bree.Copy !req
50. Caitlin Bree?
But she—Copy !req
51. I know. She cheated on me
all the time and she broke my heart.Copy !req
52. Well, she's changed.
And tonight could be the start
of something good between us.Copy !req
53. Yes, sir, things are looking up.
We're closed.Copy !req
54. - Clerks, did youse guys see what's
happening across the street?
- No.Copy !req
55. They're putting up some huge fair
on the old Quicker Stop lot...Copy !req
56. with pink cotton candy and guys
all making out with each other.Copy !req
57. It's so gay.Copy !req
58. Wanna check it out, Silent Bob?Copy !req
59. - Did you hear anything
about a fair?
- No.Copy !req
60. Man, youse gotta see
how stupid it is over there.Copy !req
61. They've got an animal exhibit,
a freak show,Copy !req
62. and Alan Thicke is the guest of honor.Copy !req
63. That is the gayest.
I gotta get back.Copy !req
64. Holy crap!
TV's Alan Thicke?Copy !req
65. - Wanna go check it out?
- Well, I guess I got time.Copy !req
66. It is just across the street.Copy !req
67. Hey, boss. Yeah. Hold on a second.
Call waiting.Copy !req
68. Hello? He's right here.
For you.Copy !req
69. - Caitlin?
- Neo. It's me again.Copy !req
70. I'd still like to tell you
what the Matrix is.Copy !req
71. Hey, pal, if you don't leave me
alone, I'm calling the cops.Copy !req
72. I'm back, boss. Yep. Got it.
No problem.Copy !req
73. Come on. I wanna pop by the fair
before I have to meet Caitlin.Copy !req
74. We're not going anywhere. The boss
says because the fair's in town,Copy !req
75. - he wants us to stay open all night.
- What? All night?Copy !req
76. - What about the video store?
- Nope. He wants me to
help you man this side.Copy !req
77. I've told him before that
if we stayed open all night,Copy !req
78. the video store can cater
to the vampire and hooker
crowds, but he never listens.Copy !req
79. I can't believe this! I finally
have a date with Caitlin
and I can't go.Copy !req
80. I better call her.
Open the shutters.Copy !req
81. No way. Those steel shutters
are the only thing standing
between us...Copy !req
82. and certain doom if that
Ferris wheel breaks loose
and crashes into the store.Copy !req
83. - Those rides are put together
by junkies and alcoholics.
- No, they're not.Copy !req
84. Do you guys sell Elmer's glue
and thumbtacks?Copy !req
85. We're trying to put
together a Tilt-A-Whirl.Copy !req
86. Do you guys sell black tar heroin?Copy !req
87. - No and no.
- Well, rubber bands it is.Copy !req
88. - There's no answer at Caitlin's.
- I know what'll cheer you up.Copy !req
89. Let's just run over to the fair
real quick, just to see Alan Thicke.Copy !req
90. That was so gay, right, Silent Bob?Copy !req
91. Youse guys can totally skip the fair.Copy !req
92. It's all spin art and pony rides
for gay little kids. How stupid.Copy !req
93. - What are those?
- Tickets. We might as well
finish 'em off.Copy !req
94. Come on, Silent Bob.Copy !req
95. Come on, man. Spin art,
not 30 feet away from us.Copy !req
96. I've gotta try Caitlin again.
She's gonna think I stood her up.Copy !req
97. Ah, the old stand-'em-up-and-
make-'em-think-you-couldn't-
care-less-about 'em.Copy !req
98. Randal's first rule
of dating etiquette.Copy !req
99. You haven't had a date in two years.Copy !req
100. Randal's second rule
of dating etiquette.Copy !req
101. - Hello, Caitlin?
- Hello, Dante. How are you?Copy !req
102. - Are you okay, Caitlin?
You sound a little sick.
- I'm not sick, Dante.Copy !req
103. - I just want to show you the truth about the Matrix, Neo.
- Good-bye!Copy !req
104. Mary, mother of God!
I cut my hand on a rubber band.
Do you sell Band-Aids?Copy !req
105. Band-Aids is a brand name.
The proper term
is "adhesive strips."Copy !req
106. The man is bleeding
to death and you're getting
into a semantics argument?Copy !req
107. Name brand word association is
one of the more subtle threats
to this nation's free trade.Copy !req
108. It gives the larger,
well-known companies
an unfair advantage.Copy !req
109. I'm doing my part to keep
the playing field level
by weaning people...Copy !req
110. off referring to generic
products with brand names.Copy !req
111. - Way to show some backbone.
- No spine of Jell-O here, my friend.Copy !req
112. - So, do you sell
adhesive strips or what?
- No.Copy !req
113. Well, that's just great.
What are we gonna use to hold
the merry-go-round together?Copy !req
114. Watch the store. I'm just gonna run
over to tell Caitlin I have to work.Copy !req
115. Oh, no, back behind
the counter, clerk.Copy !req
116. Me and Walt are here to make
a purchase from your sorry store.Copy !req
117. Tell 'em, Steve-Dave.
We need some supplies.Copy !req
118. Me and Walt plan on winning Alan
Thicke's costume ball at the fair.Copy !req
119. - Who are you going as?
- What does it look like?Copy !req
120. Johnny Storm, the Human Torch,Copy !req
121. while Steve-Dave is a bounty
hunter, cleverly dressed
just like Steve-Dave,Copy !req
122. who catches the Torch and delivers
him over to Victor Von Doom.Copy !req
123. That's right. We need lighter fluid
and matches for Walt,Copy !req
124. and a burnt cork
for a fake beard for me, got it?Copy !req
125. - Isn't that a little dangerous?
- You're just jealous because
me and Steve-Dave...Copy !req
126. are having a sleepover
after the fair at my mom's house.Copy !req
127. Would you two stop it
with the sleepovers already.Copy !req
128. You're in your mid-twenties,
for God's sakes.Copy !req
129. You're just jealous because
me and Steve-Dave are going
to do body painting...Copy !req
130. at the sleepover too,
and play naked robber.Copy !req
131. Uh, I'll have you know naked robber...Copy !req
132. was one of Star Trek creator Gene
Roddenberry's favorite party games.Copy !req
133. Yo, Dante, that Caitlin Bree
chick is over at the sucky fair...Copy !req
134. with Dan Wiffler
and they're looking for you.Copy !req
135. - Did she say anything?
- Something about going to
have sex with Dan Wiffler.Copy !req
136. I knew it.
She thinks I stood her up.Copy !req
137. Quick. I need you two to tell her
I'm stuck at the store.Copy !req
138. No time, man. Me and
Silent Bob have an appointment
at the gorilla cage.Copy !req
139. We've come to the conclusion
that we need more gorillas
in our empty lives.Copy !req
140. That's it. I'm walking across
the street to that stupid fair
and finding Caitlin.Copy !req
141. Run for your lives! Someone
let the gorillas loose and
they're attacking everyone!Copy !req
142. - Oh, no, Caitlin!
- Except Caitlin Bree
and Dan Wiffler...Copy !req
143. who are having sex in a car.Copy !req
144. Oh, my God!
Someone let the gorillas
out of their cage at the fair!Copy !req
145. They're rampaging through downtown
killing anyone in their paths.Copy !req
146. - Are you gonna buy something?
- I lost my purse in the shuffle.Copy !req
147. Well, this ain't a museum,
lady. If you're not gonna buy
anything, you've gotta leave.Copy !req
148. But there's certain peril out there.Copy !req
149. - Ferris wheel's broken loose?
- No, the gorillas!Copy !req
150. Don't waste my time! Out! Out!Copy !req
151. Now, where was I?Copy !req
152. That you can't believe that Caitlin
Bree is cheating on me again.Copy !req
153. That we're not even
dating officially yet,
and the cycle has begun anew.Copy !req
154. No, that wasn't it.
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
155. See, the thing I don't get about
Princess Leia is her sovereignty.Copy !req
156. If you were her, wouldn't you
be glad when Grand Moff Tarkin
blew up Alderaan?Copy !req
157. I mean, you'd be queen at that point.Copy !req
158. Her mom was dead before
they blew up Adleraan, so
wouldn't she be queen already?Copy !req
159. Ah, the whole movie's flawed,
like that light saber stuff.Copy !req
160. They turn it on
and it goes yea-high.
How does it know when to stop?Copy !req
161. - Um, the Force?
- Man, that's your answer
for everything.Copy !req
162. Wait a second. Did that lady
say gorillas were rampaging
through downtown?Copy !req
163. - I wasn't paying attention.
- Maybe we should go see
this ape rampage for ourselves.Copy !req
164. - It is right outside.
Maybe I could find Caitlin.
- Sure, why not?Copy !req
165. Do you sell gum?Copy !req
166. Um, yeah.
It's over there.Copy !req
167. It's okay. It's okay.
Don't worry. We'll clean it up.Copy !req
168. Yipes. Just yipes.Copy !req
169. Yeah. Do you think they're
cognizant of how bad they got it?Copy !req
170. Well, let's hope not, poor bastards.Copy !req
171. I wanna send a dozen roses
to Caitlin. Lend me a couple bucks.Copy !req
172. - Uh-uh-uh. First you gotta
press ham against the window.
- Fine.Copy !req
173. Yipes. Just yipes.Copy !req
174. Yeah. Do you think
they're cognizant...Copy !req
175. of how bad they've got it?Copy !req
176. Let's hope not.
Poor bastards.Copy !req
177. Thank you.
Have a good fair.Copy !req
178. One of us! One of us!Copy !req
179. Check it out, Silent Bob. Dante's
parents came by to check on him.Copy !req
180. Youse guys are missing
the sweetest fair.Copy !req
181. - I thought you said
it sucked and was gay.
- It's getting better.Copy !req
182. This guy with the realest beard
I ever saw set another guy
wrapped in tin foil...Copy !req
183. on fire at the costume ball,Copy !req
184. and Alan Thicke made
an awesome joke at their expense.Copy !req
185. He's gotta be the funniest man alive.Copy !req
186. Let's get back to the sucky fair,
Silent Bob.Copy !req
187. I wanna get in line for that
Caitlin chick's kissing booth.Copy !req
188. What? Caitlin has a kissing booth,
like for charity?Copy !req
189. Yeah, only it don't cost nothing
and it's not for charity.Copy !req
190. And there's no booth.Copy !req
191. And it's more than just kissing.Copy !req
192. And you don't have to be a guy.Copy !req
193. Dude, she's cheating on you.Copy !req
194. So much for Dante and Caitlin II:
Electric Boogaloo.Copy !req
195. - I think I hate her.
- You know what I hate?Copy !req
196. Soccer.
Hockey is so much better.Copy !req
197. - What does that
have to do with Caitlin?
- Everything.Copy !req
198. - Like it's so stupid
how they use nets in soccer.
- Hockey uses nets.Copy !req
199. Yeah, but in soccer, the object
is to get the ball past a goalie.Copy !req
200. - That's so dumb.
- There are goalies
in hockey too.Copy !req
201. - Dude, Caitlin's cheating on you.
- Good evening, clerks.Copy !req
202. I couldn't help but monitor
your conversation about soccer...Copy !req
203. - over the wire tap
I've installed in your store.
- So?Copy !req
204. So, Mr. Leonardo
is hosting a party...Copy !req
205. honoring the Brazilian men's
soccer team this evening.Copy !req
206. - Why?
- Their plane went down
on top of his building.Copy !req
207. Yes, they'd already
eaten two of their teammates
before I discovered them.Copy !req
208. I've been looking
to set up an exhibition
game for the survivors.Copy !req
209. You'll never find anyone to play.
Who wants to play soccer?
Soccer's for girls.Copy !req
210. Ohhh. I'll wager you
one million dollars...Copy !req
211. that my team beats you clerks
without using their hands.Copy !req
212. Oh, you're on.
How much you got in the register?Copy !req
213. Are you crazy? We can't beat
the Brazilian soccer team.Copy !req
214. Relax. We have
home field advantage.Copy !req
215. And I know just where to play.Copy !req
216. You know, we could
just play on the roof.Copy !req
217. No way. That fair
might distract us.Copy !req
218. You ready?Copy !req
219. Run!Copy !req
220. Is that a forfeit?Copy !req
221. Quick Stop. Yep.
Hey, it's for you.
I think it's your dad.Copy !req
222. - Hello?
— Is your refrigerator running?Copy !req
223. - That's the oldest one
in the book.
- Neo, please.Copy !req
224. Let me tell you about the Matrix.Copy !req
225. - No, I'm hanging up.
- Don't hang up.Copy !req
226. We don't have to talk
about the Matrix. We could
just talk about...Copy !req
227. your favorite bands,
chicks who've broken
our hearts,Copy !req
228. uh, the Matrix.Copy !req
229. This guy won't leave me alone.Copy !req
230. - Well, let's crank call him.
- I don't have his number.Copy !req
231. - Star 69, my friend.
- But isn't this guy supposed
to be a master hacker?Copy !req
232. He probably figured out
a way around Star 69.Copy !req
233. Trust me, if I can't get
around Star 69, no one can
get around Star 69.Copy !req
234. 69—Copy !req
235. - Hello?
- Uh, hi, this is U.S.A. Today.Copy !req
236. We're polling Americans on their
spelling acumen for one of those
cool color graphs we do.Copy !req
237. Can you please spell
the phrase "I Cup"?Copy !req
238. - I don't understand the question.
- What's to understand?
Just spell "I Cup."Copy !req
239. - I—I don't get it.
- Man, "I-C-U-P!" Get it?Copy !req
240. You—You do?Copy !req
241. What? Yeah, sure, whatever. Bye.Copy !req
242. - Good job.
- Well, at least we
didn't get in trouble.Copy !req
243. This is the F.B.I.Copy !req
244. You're under arrest
for violating national security
and spying on the president.Copy !req
245. Come out with your hands up.Copy !req
246. Dante, it's Caitlin.Copy !req
247. If you can hear me, I'm getting
married to a man I just met.Copy !req
248. One of us! One of us!Copy !req
249. We still have the place surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.Copy !req
250. Dante, it's Caitlin again.Copy !req
251. I want you to go wedding dress
shopping with me...Copy !req
252. and other emasculating activities
that I can think of.Copy !req
253. - You threatened the president?
- Not today.Copy !req
254. - Hey, does "emasculating"
mean "cool"?
- Um, yes.Copy !req
255. Hey, you in there.
This is the president.Copy !req
256. - Can you still see me pee?
- What are we gonna do?Copy !req
257. Face the music, I guess.
Go out there,Copy !req
258. - look them in the eye and
tell them you made the call.
- You made the call!Copy !req
259. - You made the call!
- That's not gonna work.Copy !req
260. With my record,
they'll lock me up for life.Copy !req
261. I've already got a few priors:
harassing Rue McClanahan,Copy !req
262. threatening Estelle Getty,
exposing myself to Bea Arthur.Copy !req
263. I told you hating The Golden Girls
would result in something like this.Copy !req
264. I regret nothing.
Sic semper, Bea Arthur!Copy !req
265. Fine. We'll surrender
before they tear gas us. Let's go.Copy !req
266. I know I'm usually
a wise-cracking smart aleck
who's quick with the quips,Copy !req
267. but I don't mind telling you
I'm really scared.Copy !req
268. Man, get a room.Copy !req
269. - How'd you get past the F.B.I.
and the president?
- Oh, that was easy.Copy !req
270. Getting past that Caitlin
chick was tough, though.Copy !req
271. She's one of those huggy chicks
and kissy and—Copy !req
272. - All right!
- What the hell's
going on out there?Copy !req
273. Oh, it's whacked, man.
The president was attacked
by a couple of pinheads...Copy !req
274. that looked like your parents.Copy !req
275. Then an elephant trampled
the president.Copy !req
276. That Caitlin chick was making
out with everyone whose name
starts with the letter "J".Copy !req
277. Sounds like they're gonna be
pretty busy out there for a while.Copy !req
278. You know what I meant to ask you?
Do you think as a nation,Copy !req
279. we should stick with
the electoral college or go back
to one man, one vote?Copy !req
280. - Why do you ask?
- Just trying to liven up
the evening, I guess.Copy !req
281. Holy crap! The freaks have
declared war on the F.B.I.Copy !req
282. And half the Brazilian soccer
team just ate the other half.Copy !req
283. And the guy at the popcorn stand
was carried off by gorillas.Copy !req
284. And that Caitlin chick was
making out with everyone whose
name starts with the letter "B".Copy !req
285. Can I ask you a question?
If you were Steven Tyler
from Aerosmith for one night,Copy !req
286. and you could pretty much
get any woman alive,
who would you pick?Copy !req
287. - Oh, Caitlin.
- Her? Me, I'd pick Liv Tyler.Copy !req
288. Dude, it's chaos out there!Copy !req
289. A bunch of hookers and vampires
showed up looking to rent a movie,Copy !req
290. and when they saw the video store
was closed, they bit the president.Copy !req
291. And there's no one
at the funnel cake stand.Copy !req
292. Oh, and that Caitlin chick lifted
the alphabetical stipulations,Copy !req
293. and was making out
with everyone in sight.Copy !req
294. Have you noticed
something weird about tonight?
Things seem a little... off.Copy !req
295. - How do you mean?
- Man, oh, Manashevitz!Copy !req
296. The F.B.I. had to graft
the president's head
to the body of a gorilla...Copy !req
297. to save him from becoming a vampire.Copy !req
298. He climbed up the Ferris
wheel and it broke loose
and crushed the elephant.Copy !req
299. Then that Caitlin chick started
making out with the Ferris wheel.Copy !req
300. And look what Silent Bob and me
found on the soccer team's bus.Copy !req
301. Do you remember the days we used to
sit around cursing like sailors,Copy !req
302. - talking about the minutiae
of pop culture?
- Hey, yeah.Copy !req
303. Sometimes we'd play some hockey
on the roof or knock a casket
over at a funeral,Copy !req
304. but other than that,
our lives were a lot less episodic.Copy !req
305. Although Caitlin was still
a pretty big whore.Copy !req
306. One of us! One of us!Copy !req
307. I think we need to take
a stand, Randal.Copy !req
308. Let's just stay in here
and ignore what sounds like
too much plot outside.Copy !req
309. Under no circumstance,
no matter what's going on out there,Copy !req
310. do we step one foot outside that door.Copy !req
311. - Agreed?
- Agreed.Copy !req
312. Dude, I think someone
just keyed your car.Copy !req
313. What? Oh, that's it!
We're going outside.
Come on, Randal!Copy !req
314. Here we go.Copy !req
315. - What's all this?
- It's the Matrix, Neo.Copy !req
316. I am not Neo
and this is not the Matrix.Copy !req
317. Oh, yeah?
Beef jerky.Copy !req
318. The Matrix is telling
my brain this is turkey jerky.Copy !req
319. Now let's try Asian porn stars.Copy !req
320. Asian porn stars!Copy !req
321. Hey, what's going on?
Rembrandt, wake up!Copy !req
322. I said Asian porn stars.
Hop to it.Copy !req
323. Okay, ha-ha.
We don't fit into these
surroundings at all.Copy !req
324. Lips or hips?Copy !req
325. Uh, hips.Copy !req
326. All right, you slop artist.
Knock it off!Copy !req
327. Don't insult him, man.
You might make him mad.Copy !req
328. Relax. We're the stars
of this picture.Copy !req
329. He's gotta treat us with dignity.Copy !req
330. Make me look like
I'm supposed to, now!Copy !req
331. Do I look like a slacker?Copy !req
332. I ain't laughing here.Copy !req
333. - This is all wrong!
- Maybe.Copy !req
334. But when in Rome—Copy !req
335. Hey, check it out.
Caddyshack.Copy !req
336. Now we're talking.Copy !req
337. Na-na-na-na-na-na.
He's a Cinderella boy.Copy !req
338. We gotta find a way out of here.Copy !req
339. There's something.Copy !req
340. Uh-oh.
It's the writer's room.Copy !req
341. Hey, guys, I got
the funniest idea ever!Copy !req
342. How 'bout we send them
to Gilligan's Island...Copy !req
343. and make gay jokes about them
the whole episode?Copy !req
344. It's pretty warm on this island,
eh, little buddy?Copy !req
345. - I'm gonna take my shirt off.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
346. Oh, no,
must... fight this.Copy !req
347. Look, mac, if you're gonna
fool around, how 'bout
putting us in a cartoon...Copy !req
348. with some chicks
so maybe we could score?Copy !req
349. What is this guy's
fascination with gay jokes?Copy !req
350. As long as middle America
is unprejudiced and open-minded,Copy !req
351. we ain't going anywhere.Copy !req
352. Oh, brother.Copy !req
353. - This is humiliating.
- Eh, could be worse.Copy !req
354. How? How could it
ever be worse?Copy !req
355. Welcome to the three-hour version
of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?Copy !req
356. Ain't I a stinker?
Naga-naga-nooch!Copy !req
357. Thanks for watching.Copy !req