Clerks 1x4

1. Good evening. How was your day?

2. Not getting any better. I tell you, I'm exhausted.

3. You're exhausted? I had three people rent today.

4. Three people? Randal, three people is nothing.

5. It is when you're trying to figure out which three people to rent to.

6. - I've been waiting for weeks. - Let's see. You're too fat.

7. You're too insipid. Weren't you Natalie on Facts of Life?

8. You hired someone to work the door?

9. I can't have just anyone coming to rent a video.

10. R.S.T.'s a place where people come to live out their fantasies and dance the night away.

11. No, R.S.T. is where people are supposed to rent movies.

12. Tell that to Disco Granny.

13. - Dum-Dum. - That's my club name.

14. Clerks is drawn by a live studio audience.

15. Man, you got it easy over there. I'd love to see you actually have to work for a day.

16. Oh, like you've got it tough over here? I could do your job.

17. Oh, yeah? You could never handle Quick Stop.

18. Oh, yeah? You could never handle R.S.T.

19. And neither of you can handle a balloon angioplasty on a collapsed aorta.

20. Oh, yeah?

21. - Scalpel. - Scalpel.

22. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. You could never work at R.S.T.

23. - You could never handle the Quick Stop. - Oh, yeah? I'll prove it.

24. Let me open the store for you tomorrow morning.

25. You'll crack under the pressure, my friend.

26. There's the coffee, the papers, the morning rush hour—

27. Yeah, it's real rocket science. Listen, if I can dress myself,

28. I'm sure I could handle the Quick Stop.

29. Call me if you have any problems.

30. Please, it'll be as simple as driving a car.

31. Where are my pants?

32. - Hello? - Good morning.

33. I just wanted to illustrate how qualified and responsible I am.

34. It's not even 8:00 yet and I'm here. But before I officially open,

35. I need you to swear me in as the complete lord and master of the Quick Stop.

36. Fine. Randal Graves, you are now in complete control of Quick Stop.

37. - Call me if you have any problems. - Oh, like that'll happen.

38. Hello!

39. - Um, hello. - What's all that racket?

40. That's the TV.

41. I'm gonna burn this place to the ground and pee-pee on the ashes.

42. - Oh, my God! Who's that? - That? That's Regis.

43. Who are you talking to, boy?

44. Answer me!

45. Maybe he'll answer to this.

46. Randal! Randal!

47. Um, maybe you better get down here.

48. Mother of God.

49. - Don't shoot! It's just me! - Dante?

50. I opened up and everything was fine.

51. Then people started coming in and buying things. It was horrible.

52. I knew you couldn't handle this place. We gotta clean it up before someone hurts themselves.

53. Nobody's gonna hurt themselves, or us.

54. Not on my watch.

55. Well, I'm glad that's done.

56. - Me too. I'm bushed. - Can you at least take the garbage out back?

57. Come on, man. What if that big bee's out there again?

58. - Open up the bag. I wanna swish this can. - Uh-uh.

59. First you have to officially swear me back in as lord and master of Quick Stop.

60. When are you gonna grow up? Fine.

61. Dante Hicks, you're now in complete charge of the Quick Stop.

62. That's weird. I could have swore I got game.

63. Yo, clerks, do you guys sell—

64. I think that stuff just kicked in, Silent Bob.

65. Burn-boy fall down and go boom.

66. What are you talking about? I didn't fall, man. Did I fall?

67. - Youse guys are dead! - Wait, wait, wait.

68. - You dropped five bucks on the floor. — Where?

69. Classic. I could do this for hours.

70. - Go, now. - No way.

71. I want a pack of smokes for all that mental anguish I just went through.

72. We're not giving you jack squat.

73. If you don't give me smokes, I'm gonna—I'm gonna—

74. - Gonna what? Sue us for falling down in the store? - Maybe.

75. Oh, yeah? How much you gonna sue us for, ten million dollars?

76. - Maybe. - Don't give him any ideas.

77. No, he should sue us. Come on. Do we have any high-powered lawyers in this joint?

78. Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm a high-powered lawyer and I'm trying to get back to Manhattan.

79. Hey, buddy, check this out. This guy slipped and fell in a puddle of soda...

80. we negligently left lying on the floor,

81. and now he's thinking about suing the store for like ten million bucks.

82. - Wanna take this case? - I'm afraid I'm too busy to take on that case.

83. - Good day, gentlemen. - Who are you kidding?

84. You don't wanna take the case because you'd lose big-time.

85. You're not good enough to win what's so clearly a Rainmaker,

86. Mr. Fancy-Car-Driver with your seat belts that actually work and your AM/FM radio.

87. Sorry I'm late. I got lost in New Jersey.

88. Of course you were lost. You always lose.

89. That's why you won't take Jay's case. 'Cause you're a loser.

90. How the hell can you sleep at night?

91. You in your pajamas that fit and your underwear...

92. with the elastic in the waistband that's still good.

93. Take the case!

94. Take the case! Take the case! Take the case!

95. All right! As of this moment, I and my firm will be lead counsel in the matter...

96. of Jay vs. The Two Clerks at the Quick Stop.

97. Wait. I wasn't in charge when he fell. It was him, Dante Hicks.

98. Then we'll be suing Quick Stop and Dante Hicks for ten million dollars.

99. - What? What did I do? - Dum-Dum?

100. This is the plaintiff. He claims that a negligent clerk...

101. poured magic slippery stuff on the Quick Stop floor...

102. and refused to sell him cigarettes, even though he had no money.

103. He's suing for 10 million dollars.

104. This is the defendant, Dante Hicks.

105. His friend Randal says he suffers from chronic nocturnal emissions...

106. during which he cries out the name of the heavyset woman...

107. with the receding hairline they always see at the laundromat.

108. He's being sued for 10 million dollars.

109. All rise. The Honorable Judge Reinhold presiding.

110. Show some respect for Judge Reinhold!

111. I'm sorry, Judge.

112. That's okay. It's more laughs than I got in Head Office.

113. Be seated. Superior Court of Leonardo will come to order.

114. The case of'Jay", a.k.a. "the letter J",

115. vs. Quick Stop Enterprises and Dante Hicks for 10 million dollars.

116. - Is the defendant here? - Yes, Your Honor.

117. - Great. Is the plaintiff here? - Yes, Your Honor.

118. - Who? - You. You're the plaintiff.

119. You hear that, Silent Bob? I'm a plaintiff. Whoo-hoo! Plaintiff!

120. Plaintiff. Plaintiff!

121. Plaintiff! Plaintiff! Plaintiff! Plaintiff!

122. Plaintiff! Plaintiff! Plaintiff!

123. - Sweet deal. - Where's my lawyer? The boss said he would send one over.

124. Your Honor, if it pleases the court,

125. Randal Graves for the defense.

126. No, this man is not my lawyer.

127. Mr. Hicks, you are out of order,

128. just like Spicoli in Mr. Hand's history class.

129. What are you doing? You're gonna get us both sent to jail.

130. In Virginia, anyone who passes the bar can be a lawyer.

131. - You haven't passed the bar and this isn't Virginia. - They don't know that.

132. Your Honor, may I point out that this man is not a lawyer,

133. and we are relatively sure this is not Virginia.

134. Your Honor, may I point out that I've seen all of your movies,

135. including Zandalee and Vice Versa.

136. - I'm going to allow it. - At this point, I'd like it noted...

137. that neither my client nor myself recognize this court's authority.

138. Very well. Let's bring in the jury.

139. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...

140. your Leonardo County Jury!

141. At foreman, number 31, Reggie Miller.

142. Number 4, Charles Barkley.

143. - Number 33, Patrick Ewing. - "Ewww"!

144. Number 3, Allen Iverson.

145. Number 33, Grant Hill.

146. And the rest of your Leonardo jury.

147. - What do you think? - Oh, my gosh. They're all black.

148. - Where's Chris Mullin? - I think we may have some trouble with Allen Iverson.

149. All right, this court's adjourned until 10:00 a.m. tomorrow...

150. when I'll hear the closing arguments.

151. Opening arguments.

152. The jury will be sequestered and allowed no contact with anyone for the rest of this case.

153. We get to stay in a hotel? Sweet.

154. Welcome to Madison Square Garden for this year's N.B.A. All-Star game.

155. Strangely, we've been informed that the starting all-stars have failed to show up.

156. And they'll be replaced by players from the W.N.B.A. And here they come.

157. We now return you to Will and Grace.

158. Jay! Jay!

159. Jay, over here. Are the media way too interested in this case?

160. Jay, what did that guy just ask you?

161. Jay, don't you hate people who try to do Austin Powers impressions?

162. Yeah, baby, yeah. Oh, behave.

163. - Dante, over here. - Oh, God! Look at all the press.

164. Don't worry. I'll handle this. Here's Mr. Guilty, boys. Fire away.

165. - Dante, wouldn't you be better defended by a stupid monkey? - No further questions.

166. - Where are we going? - I hired a jury consultant.

167. Someone who can help us know what the jury is thinking and how to talk to 'em.

168. - Hey, Lando. - Hey, Dante. Hey, Randal.

169. Woman, what's with the dogs? Down, boy, down.

170. Lando, the jury on Dante's case is all black. We need to know what they wanna hear.

171. Right, right. Black jury.

172. Black jury. Jury that's all black.

173. Twelve men, all black. Black jury.

174. - Twelve black men, all black— - Lando!

175. Right. Well, boys, the key here is to let them know that you're one of them.

176. One of them. Hmm.

177. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

178. Dante Hicks is just like you.

179. - He loves grape soda. - Hmm?

180. He knows what it's like when the guy in the supermarket won't take your "food stamps,"

181. or how it feels to wait all month...

182. for your "welfare check."

183. Hey, ho! Thank you.

184. - Wow. - Great. Now the jury hates us.

185. Nonsense. I've got them eating out of my hand.

186. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

187. - I do. - Mr. Hicks,

188. where were you on the date of February 20, 1997?

189. Probably the store. I don't remember.

190. He doesn't remember. How convenient.

191. Mr. Hicks, in sixth grade, did you or did you not...

192. urinate all over the boys' bathroom floor?

193. - That was you. - Yes or no?

194. - No. - I remind you, you're under oath.

195. - No, it was you. - Your Honor, strike that from the record.

196. Dante— if I may call you that—why should this jury...

197. believe anything you say?

198. - Well— - Show us on the doll where they touched you.

199. - Nobody touched me. - Who was it? There's no more running from your past.

200. - Who touched you? - I hate you.

201. Mr. Pearson, your witness.

202. I will turn the questioning over to the members of my team.

203. Here to question Mr. Hicks are two giggling girls.

204. Okay. Do you, like, have a girlfriend?

205. No, I don't have a girlfriend.

206. - Oh, my God. I told you. - This stinks.

207. Your Honor, the defense calls Miss Nicole Corwin— a surprise witness.

208. State your name and occupation.

209. Nicole Corwin. I work at the mall.

210. Do you remember seeing me at the mall?

211. - Yeah, you're the guy they threw out of the bookstore. - Correct.

212. What is your phone number, Miss Corwin?

213. - 555-0145. - Thank you.

214. Your Honor, if it pleases the court,

215. we'd like to play the 911 tapes from that fateful night.

216. 911. Hello?

217. Shut up, shut up. They're there.

218. Uh, yeah, we need an ambulance at 1611 Uranus Avenue.

219. I said "Uranus." Sir, what's your name?

220. Uranus. I said it again, Randal.

221. Good one, Jay. Now hang up.

222. Randal, we're not doing so good.

223. I want you to call a witness that has something to do with the case!

224. Don't worry so much. I've got it under control.

225. - The defense calls George Lucas. - George Lucas!

226. State your name and latest film.

227. George Lucas. Star Wars, Episode One: The Phantom Menace.

228. And do you think Phantom Menace is as good a movie as Empire?

229. Well, certainly. I think it's the best movie I've made yet.

230. Permission to treat this witness as hostile?

231. Mr. Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars Obi-Wan tells Luke...

232. that when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he's just a little boy?

233. - Well, my kids thought— - And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke...

234. that Yoda is the Jedi that trained him,

235. but in the movie Liam Neeson trains Obi-Wan?

236. - Uh, well, the power of myth— - Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie?

237. That you wrote it over a weekend, but kept telling people it was done for years?

238. Objection, Your Honor. The pod race was pretty cool.

239. May I remind the court that Your Honor has never been in a George Lucas movie?

240. - And you were age appropriate for the Liam Neeson role. - I'm going to allow it.

241. I want my eight bucks back.

242. Get him out of my sight!

243. The defense now calls Steven Spielberg.

244. - Your Honor, what is the point of this? - I agree.

245. Your Honor, you've also never been in a Spielberg movie.

246. - I was in Gremlins. - But not Gremlins 2.

247. Hey, you're right. I'm going to allow it.

248. What was the deal with Hook?

249. I want my eight bucks back.

250. Man, Batman and Robin was so gay.

251. The defense rests, Your Honor.

252. - You're resting. How are we doing? - Great.

253. Good night, gentlemen. The minivan is downstairs.

254. And I remind you, no talking about the case.

255. Man, that Dante is guilty.

256. - Yeah, guilty. - Guilty!

257. And that lawyer of his is an idiot.

258. Hey, tonight's franks and beans.

259. Are they talking about us?

260. I'm dead. The case is over.

261. I'm gonna have to pay 10 million dollars. I haven't even paid off my car.

262. Hold on a second. Look at this.

263. "I have information that is vital to your case.

264. If you wanna win, you must meet me alone."

265. - I'm not going. - This is my only chance.

266. You got me into this. You're getting me out of this.

267. Fine! I'll go.

268. I'll win the case with the secret information. Oooh.

269. - Are you the man I'm supposed to see? - You can call me "X."

270. I was in Black Ops, '61-'63.

271. Covert stuff involving the C.I.A. and donkey shows.

272. All of it illegal. All of it very erotic.

273. What I'm gonna tell you is strictly top secret.

274. - You know who's behind all this? - You're asking the wrong questions.

275. The "who" and the "what" is scenery.

276. Ask the big one: "why."

277. Why did they want this man tried?

278. Why is this sending shock waves through the corridors of power in Washington?

279. - Who benefits? - You said not to ask "who."

280. - Just this once is okay. - So what does this have to do with Dante and the Quick Stop?

281. Dante? Quick Stop? Well, you see—

282. - Did you get anything? - A souvenir from the Lincoln Memorial.

283. That's the Washington Monument. God, they're going to find me guilty.

284. Don't worry. I have one last card up my sleeve that's gonna blow this case wide open.

285. Your Honor, the defense calls Jay's best friend and closest confidante,

286. Silent Bob.

287. Who?

288. Do you swear to tell the truth,

289. the whole truth and nothing but the truth,

290. so help you God?

291. If he won't speak, the witness is dismissed.

292. Damn! I didn't get to ask my case-winning question.

293. - Which is? - Why in the hell is he called Silent Bob anyway?

294. Okay. I'll now hear closing statements. Mr. Pearson?

295. - None needed. - Mr. Graves?

296. Make this good, Randal. You're all I've got.

297. Ladies and gentlemen of the court,

298. why in the hell is he called Silent Bob anyway?

299. - I'm dead. - Well, if there's nothing else,

300. the jury may begin their deliberation.

301. Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict?

302. Yes. In the case of Jay vs. Dante Hicks,

303. we find in favor of... the plaintiff.

304. Bummer. Mr. Hicks, you can pay off the 10 million in installments...

305. by working at the Quick Stop for the rest of your life.

306. No-o-o-o!

307. It was just a nightmare. I gotta get to the courthouse.

308. In the case of Jay vs. Dante Hicks, we find in favor of...

309. Randal, the best lawyer in the world and give him 10 million dollars.

310. I'm Dante,

311. and I'm the biggest idiot ever.

312. I've gotta put that one in my dream journal.

313. - Has the jury reached a verdict? - Hold it!

314. Billy, I need your help, man.

315. All right! Axel!

316. I'm sorry. We're all out of bananas.

317. Axel, don't go.

318. - Honey, wake up. - What?

319. Ohh. I had that dream again.

320. Patrick Ewing actually makes a jump shot...

321. and the Knicks win an important game.

322. Patrick, we have to get to the court.

323. Are you having another dream about your crappy jump shot?

324. Guys, they gave us five dollars for breakfast today.

325. I wish this trial would never end.

326. Hey, bailiff, bring in the jury.

327. - Hey, are you the biggest idiot ever? - No, you are.

328. Okay, this isn't a dream then. Good luck.

329. Has the jury reached a verdict?

330. In the case of Jay vs. Dante Hicks, we find in favor of—

331. We find in favor of... big American party.

332. - Yea! - Everybody disco dancing.

333. Lots of fun. Good time for all. I'm having very good time.

334. Robot dancing.

335. Oh, no, police!

336. Quickly, in here. Who's driving?

337. Oh, my God! Bear is driving. How can that be?

338. Car full of midgets.

339. Korean animation studio.

340. - Everybody work! - Aaah!

341. Everybody work! Everybody work!

342. He big mean man. Whip us. We are slaves.

343. Here we are.

344. Help us!

345. - We will stop you. - There is no escape this time.

346. No, it is you who will be the one escaping. Not Pikachu.

347. Please don't sue.

348. Axel Foley, Judge Reinhold.

349. Tom Cruise!

350. - Oh, no! - You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

351. Show me the money.

352. Oh, no!

353. Next week on Clerks.

354. Give me all your money! The safe too!

355. - Hold on. I'm new here. - You're all out of paper towels.

356. Awesome! Totally awesome!

357. Way to go, Hamilton!

358. - That's it. I'm gonna sue you for 10 million dollars - Me too.

359. Thanks for watching.