1. Hello? Hello?Copy !req
2. I wanna get some smokes.Copy !req
3. - Is anybody here?
- Is it safe?Copy !req
4. - Is what safe?
- Is it safe?Copy !req
5. Yes... it's safe.Copy !req
6. - It's very safe.
- Is it safe?Copy !req
7. - Listen, are you gonna
come out or what?
- Is it safe?Copy !req
8. This isn't funny.Copy !req
9. It puts the lotion on
its skin and puts it in the basket.Copy !req
10. Shut up, man.
Is it safe? Is it safe?Copy !req
11. Stop it!
I just want some smokes!Copy !req
12. - I just want some smokes!
- Is it safe?Copy !req
13. Thirty seconds.
You owe me five bucks.Copy !req
14. - I don't have five bucks.
- Take it from the register.Copy !req
15. Clerks is filmed
before a live studio audience.Copy !req
16. Hello? What?Copy !req
17. No way.
It's my day off!Copy !req
18. Fine. I'll be there.Copy !req
19. - Are you open?
- How much are these muffins?Copy !req
20. Can you guys vulcanize my tires
while I wait?Copy !req
21. Same as it ever was.Copy !req
22. Nothing exciting ever happens
in this place.Copy !req
23. All right, who did it?
'Fess up or I start calling parents!Copy !req
24. - What were you thinking, Silas?
- I-I'm sorry, Mr. Dante.Copy !req
25. They-They said you wouldn't care...Copy !req
26. because your expectations
for a fair deal have been dulled...Copy !req
27. after years spent
at this soul-crushing,Copy !req
28. less-than-minimum-wage hellhole.Copy !req
29. You got me there.
But where did you get this stuff?Copy !req
30. Step right up and throw down some bucks
at Jay and Silent Bob's TNT-Redux!Copy !req
31. Naga-nooch!Copy !req
32. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it,
Silent Bob. Snoogans.Copy !req
33. Are you crazy? These kids could
really hurt themselves with this stuff.Copy !req
34. Hurt themselves? Heck, man,
they could blow their hands off!Copy !req
35. See this? This is an M-80, my brother.
A quarter stick of dynamite,Copy !req
36. which means four of these bad boys...Copy !req
37. equals, like,
two sticks of dynamite, man.Copy !req
38. Are you sure I'm ready, Doctor?Copy !req
39. I don't know if it's safe or not yet.Copy !req
40. What did we learn, Albert?Copy !req
41. It's safe.
It's very safe.Copy !req
42. Beat it, before I call the cops.Copy !req
43. Come on, Silent Bob. Let's go find
that kid in the helmet. He's loaded.Copy !req
44. Oh, my God!
Call the cops!Copy !req
45. I just freed myself from
a madman's subterranean prison!Copy !req
46. He's been holding me captive,
which is why I'm a little late
opening the video store.Copy !req
47. I can describe the dank cage
for police artists.Copy !req
48. There were walls, there were doors.Copy !req
49. I can't relive it.Copy !req
50. Don't make me!
I'm begging you!Copy !req
51. - What are you doing here?
- It seems someone told the boss...Copy !req
52. I needed to work more hours
for college credits.Copy !req
53. - Wasn't me.
- I didn't say it was.Copy !req
54. - Well, that's good, because I—
All right, it was me.
- Very smooth.Copy !req
55. This guy's been waiting all morning.Copy !req
56. How about you go open up
the video store and earn your keep?Copy !req
57. "Earn your keep."
You talk like such a 'mo sometimes.Copy !req
58. - You, move it.
- You're three hours late.Copy !req
59. And so are these.
There's gonna be a late charge.Copy !req
60. Hey, hey, hey!
I'm walking here!Copy !req
61. I haven't seen panic like this
since they renewed Two Guys,
A Girl and a Pizza Parlor.Copy !req
62. Wednesdays at 8:00 on A BC.Copy !req
63. - What's going on?
- Don't you know?Copy !req
64. - He has returned!
- Uh-oh. Jesus?Copy !req
65. Better!Copy !req
66. Leonardo Leonardo has returned!Copy !req
67. - And he is?
- You've never heard
of Leonardo Leonardo?Copy !req
68. Hey, man, we've got our fingers
on the pulse of this community.Copy !req
69. So I ask you, who the hell
is Leonardo Leonardo?Copy !req
70. Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo?Copy !req
71. It's a question asked by
the poorly educated...Copy !req
72. with fingers far from
the pulse of the community.Copy !req
73. - You're poorly educated.
- You're talking to the television.Copy !req
74. It all began in the early 1800s,Copy !req
75. when Leonardo's great grandfather,
Bernardo Leonardo,Copy !req
76. bought our town from the Indians...Copy !req
77. for 14.8 million dollars.Copy !req
78. But it was
Leonardo Leonardo himself...Copy !req
79. who led his
now-legendary expedition...Copy !req
80. into the fabled Canadas,Copy !req
81. long thought to be
uninhabitable by evolved man,Copy !req
82. and brought it to its knees.Copy !req
83. And he soon accumulated
the vast Leonardo fortune...Copy !req
84. by acquiring
Canadian mineral rights...Copy !req
85. in exchange for
the debilitating polio virus.Copy !req
86. But what could Leonardo's
homecoming have to do...Copy !req
87. with the mysterious
tented structure...Copy !req
88. that has captured our imaginations
over the last few minutes?Copy !req
89. That's new.Copy !req
90. Okay, good.
Now remember, L.L.,Copy !req
91. we've got two minutes for the intro...Copy !req
92. if you're going to make your
12:30 with Access Hollywood.Copy !req
93. We couldn't get Entertainment Tonight?Copy !req
94. Simple folk of Leonardo,Copy !req
95. I have returned!Copy !req
96. After years abroad and seeing
all there is to see in New Jersey,Copy !req
97. schooled at Eton
and Oxford, New Jersey,Copy !req
98. I am come to stay!Copy !req
99. Behold!Copy !req
100. Leonardo Tower!Copy !req
101. I find it hard to believe
that no one noticed that either.Copy !req
102. It looks like a big bong.Copy !req
103. Hey, that looks like a big bong too.Copy !req
104. For too long,
the miserable corner store...Copy !req
105. has been a haven for
ludicrous price-gouging...Copy !req
106. and rude, poorly trained clerks—Copy !req
107. - You think he's talking about us?
- No.Copy !req
108. with names like Dante and Handel.Copy !req
109. - Randal!
- Today marks the dawn of a new era.Copy !req
110. I give you, the people of Leonardo,Copy !req
111. the future!Copy !req
112. It's a new convenience store!Copy !req
113. Quicker Stop!Copy !req
114. Eh? Yes?Copy !req
115. This doesn't bode well.Copy !req
116. "Quicker Stop."
I don't get it.Copy !req
117. Now, that's the ugliest
damn bong I've ever seen.Copy !req
118. Look at this place.Copy !req
119. Welcome to Quicker Stop,
the home of convenience and quality,Copy !req
120. only quicker.Copy !req
121. Plus, a selection of
high-end adult magazines.Copy !req
122. While you're here,
shop in our best-seller department,
complete with its own coffee bar.Copy !req
123. Or drop by our music shop,
also with its own coffee bar.Copy !req
124. Or perhaps you'd rather visit
our international coffee bar,Copy !req
125. complete with its own
little book department,Copy !req
126. which has its own
super-teeny-tiny coffee bar inside...Copy !req
127. and a selection of
tiny adult magazines.Copy !req
128. And finally, as you enter
the Hall of Mirrors,Copy !req
129. you might notice you're not alone.Copy !req
130. For you see, I'm shopping with you.Copy !req
131. The dead live!Copy !req
132. Sir, your change.Copy !req
133. Phase One complete!Copy !req
134. - I think we're in trouble.
- I don't.Copy !req
135. We're ruined.
Ruined! What are we gonna do?Copy !req
136. Help us.
We're going to starve.Copy !req
137. Uh, the guy who owns the butcher shop?Copy !req
138. No, listen.
"We're ruined!Copy !req
139. Who will feed my children?
They're dying!"Copy !req
140. Ohh! Mr. Scinto,
the card shop guy.Copy !req
141. Bingo. You know, I always
said this job would be great...Copy !req
142. if it weren't for the customers.Copy !req
143. That Quicker Stop is the best thing
that ever happened to us.Copy !req
144. I'm startin' to agree.Copy !req
145. Yeah? Okay.Copy !req
146. Boss says he's shuttin' the store
permanently. The video store too.Copy !req
147. What? Why?Copy !req
148. I have no idea, but I've got a plan.Copy !req
149. This is your plan?
"Pay as you exit"?Copy !req
150. Isn't that what the customers
were doing already?Copy !req
151. Kind of. I guess.
Shut up.Copy !req
152. "Pay as you exit."
Sweet deal.Copy !req
153. You're right, Silent Bob.Copy !req
154. Besides, we've got some bad news that's
gonna rock their feeble clerk world.Copy !req
155. - I can't even imagine.
- Listen up. We quit.Copy !req
156. - You don't work here.
- Not anymore we don't.Copy !req
157. This is an official notice.Copy !req
158. From now on, Silent Bob and I
will be officially standing
in front of the Quicker Stop.Copy !req
159. Officially.Copy !req
160. - We'll be over here if
anyone comes looking for us.
- Okay.Copy !req
161. - Just send them over.
- Fine.Copy !req
162. - Hey, either of youse guys
wanna buy some fireworks?
- No, thanks.Copy !req
163. - So, now what?
- Hmm.Copy !req
164. Okay, that comes to 37 cents.Copy !req
165. - I have a coupon.
- Nineteen cents.Copy !req
166. L.L.?Copy !req
167. Uh—
L.L.?Copy !req
168. I don't understand these instructions.Copy !req
169. It didn't look like this
in the catalog.Copy !req
170. Sir, I'd be happy to order you a desk.Copy !req
171. Maybe a nice antique one.Copy !req
172. Why don't I just throw
my money out the window? Hmm?Copy !req
173. I think I'll stick with Ikea.Copy !req
174. The Blork. Bleached oak.
Seventy-nine dollars.Copy !req
175. Now, where did I put that dowel?Copy !req
176. - Sir, the Quick Stop sales
have spiked over 1000%.
- Let me see that!Copy !req
177. Bring this Quick Stop to me.Copy !req
178. - Sir, it's a store.
- Bring it!Copy !req
179. How about the two kids
who run it instead?Copy !req
180. All right... for now.Copy !req
181. Gentlemen, welcome.Copy !req
182. Thank you for accepting my invitation.Copy !req
183. What do you think of my desk?Copy !req
184. I made it myself.Copy !req
185. And I have all these pieces left.Copy !req
186. Uh, it's... great.Copy !req
187. - You think so?
- Sure.Copy !req
188. - Right, Randal?
- It's a piece of crap.Copy !req
189. Very good.Copy !req
190. It looks like it was built
by a "re-re."Copy !req
191. Delicious.
It does, doesn't it?Copy !req
192. And this whole
stupid building in the shape of an "L."Copy !req
193. Why? In case
you forget your initials?Copy !req
194. That was uncalled-for.Copy !req
195. Man, what is the matter with you?Copy !req
196. Despite Mr. Hicks'
lashing out,Copy !req
197. I want to offer you a job
working here for me.Copy !req
198. I want you lock, stock and barrel.Copy !req
199. - Is this some sort of gay thing?
- No.Copy !req
200. - You're sure?
- Yes.Copy !req
201. I'll start you both in my
management trainee program,Copy !req
202. which includes medical,
stock options...Copy !req
203. and full enrollment
at Rutgers College while you train.Copy !req
204. - College?
— Sir, it's your call from Canada.Copy !req
205. I'm sorry. The window
for getting a call into Canada
is only open once a week.Copy !req
206. Mr. Leo!
Mr. Leo!Copy !req
207. Good day, Your Highness!Copy !req
208. - I don't believe it.
- I know.Copy !req
209. College.
It's a dream.Copy !req
210. - How could he take a phone call
in the middle of our meeting?
- Oh, no.Copy !req
211. No, it's not evil spirits.Copy !req
212. It's just rain.Copy !req
213. Rain! Fine.
Try and kill it.Copy !req
214. Children.
Now, where were we?Copy !req
215. I've got news for you,
Leonardo Leonardo,
and the headline is "Shove it."Copy !req
216. We don't want your fancy,
life-changing, career-starting,Copy !req
217. moving-out-of-my-parents'-house
college education.Copy !req
218. We're happy at the Quick Stop.Copy !req
219. I see.Copy !req
220. Well played.Copy !req
221. It was a mistake to think
that I could buy you.Copy !req
222. - No, it wasn't.
- Oh, that boat has sailed.Copy !req
223. Soon, your store and all the other
stores in Leonardo will be gone,Copy !req
224. and you will wake up to find that
downtown Leonardo has been replaced...Copy !req
225. by a north-of-the-border theme store!Copy !req
226. - No! Wait. What?
- No!Copy !req
227. Canadian goods, available
in the States for the first time.Copy !req
228. - That doesn't seem so bad.
- Not yet!Copy !req
229. But then, Leonardo will become the
premiere tourist destination in Jersey,Copy !req
230. and that will lead to Phase Two:Copy !req
231. A domed pleasure paradise!Copy !req
232. - It's just an empty table.
- Well, the dome model
is coming tomorrow.Copy !req
233. - Sure it is.
- No, really. I ordered it yesterday.Copy !req
234. - From where?
- A store.Copy !req
235. It's in Canada.
You've probably never heard of it.Copy !req
236. I'll bet he never ordered the dome.Copy !req
237. - You know, he offered us college.
- Don't you get it?Copy !req
238. I've never seen anything
more clearly in my life.Copy !req
239. Leonardo Leonardo must be destroyed!Copy !req
240. I can hear you, you know.Copy !req
241. It was Dante.Copy !req
242. That was a fun day.Copy !req
243. What exactly are we doing here again?Copy !req
244. We need evidence to expose Leonardo,Copy !req
245. and there's only one place to get it.Copy !req
246. Come on, old chum.Copy !req
247. We're almost there.Copy !req
248. Why are we walking like this?Copy !req
249. This... is... better?Copy !req
250. - What are you doing?
- When Cortez reached the New World,Copy !req
251. he burned his boats
to encourage his men.Copy !req
252. - So?
- I'm sure we'll find a way out. There.Copy !req
253. - The Maze of Death.
- What?Copy !req
254. - What about that one over there?
- That could be anything.Copy !req
255. I think we should go
with that maze thing.Copy !req
256. - The Maze of Death?
- That's the one.Copy !req
257. Let's go.Copy !req
258. Oh, God.
We made it.Copy !req
259. - I thought the Minotaur had you.
- And that Billy Crystal/
Robin Williams movie?Copy !req
260. Ew! Youse girls wanna be alone?Copy !req
261. How did you get into
Leonardo's office?Copy !req
262. - Who the hell's Leonardo?
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
263. Lookin' for M-80s. Duh.
What are youse guys doin' here?Copy !req
264. Looking for something
we can use against Leonardo.Copy !req
265. Hey, this outlines every stage
of Leonardo's plan, point by point.
Let's go.Copy !req
266. - Is there a quicker way out of here?
- Out of where?Copy !req
267. Good God, that last scene was quick.
Stop the meeting!Copy !req
268. - We have evidence.
- Leonardo Leonardo is trying
to turn the town into a—Copy !req
269. A domed pleasure resort town
where the people of Leonardo...Copy !req
270. will work underground
as mindless slave drones
and live off the crumbs of the rich.Copy !req
271. Crumbs! Crumbs! Crumbs! Yea!Copy !req
272. - Do something.
- Wait. There's more
Leonardo isn't telling you.Copy !req
273. Listen to this.
Phase Three:Copy !req
274. Flooding the underground
and drowning all the workers.Copy !req
275. But then who will operate the machinery
to keep the pleasure dome running?Copy !req
276. Phase Four: An army of robot workers
to replace the slaves.Copy !req
277. But what if the robots united
and rebelled against Leonardo?Copy !req
278. Phase Five: An army of
highly intelligent apes...Copy !req
279. move in and quell
the robot insurrection.Copy !req
280. But what if the apes are pacifists?Copy !req
281. Phase 24:
The virus,Copy !req
282. while not affecting anyone in the dome,
destroys all the chickens.Copy !req
283. That may well be,
but where will he get eggs?Copy !req
284. Phase 39:
Robot chickens.Copy !req
285. Phase 63: The dome launches into space
and nukes the earth from orbit.Copy !req
286. It's the only way to be sure.Copy !req
287. My God!
Leonardo is a monster!Copy !req
288. - We have to stop him!
- Wait a second.
Do you live in Leonardo?Copy !req
289. No, New York City.Copy !req
290. I'm on my way to the beach,
and I stopped to use the bathroom.Copy !req
291. - I guess it's kind of our last night.
- Let's do something special.Copy !req
292. - Pfeifer?
- Pfeifer.Copy !req
293. And now it's time
for America's number one TV show,Copy !req
294. The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeifer,Copy !req
295. on America's number one network, UPN!Copy !req
296. President Lincoln, someone
is trying to open...Copy !req
297. a new Whiter House of the future right
across the street and drive us
out of business.Copy !req
298. I've seen this one 1000 times.
It won a Humanitas.Copy !req
299. - What's that?
- An award for TV shows that
don't use words like "retarded."Copy !req
300. That's retarded...
and queer.Copy !req
301. Hey, this is the one where Jefferson
Jefferson tries to destroy Washington...Copy !req
302. by opening a White House
of the future.Copy !req
303. - A classic.
- Totally classic Pfeifer.Copy !req
304. Wait a second.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?Copy !req
305. Urinating in the frozen food section
and watching it steam up? Oh, yeah.Copy !req
306. No! Desmond Pfeifer.
It's just like us and Leonardo Leonardo.Copy !req
307. It is strikingly similar.Copy !req
308. The only difference is if Desmond lost,
he'd go back to being a slave.Copy !req
309. You're right. The stakes
are much higher for us.Copy !req
310. All we have to do is what Desmond
did to stop Leonardo. Now, watch.Copy !req
311. First, Desmond wears a dress
and pretends to be a rich widow. Then—Copy !req
312. - It worked.
- Get these handcuffs off me.Copy !req
313. We've got you, Leonardo.
Your confederate plans are thwarted!Copy !req
314. And I bet you're shocked
to see your beloved fiancee...Copy !req
315. is none other than I, Randal.Copy !req
316. I knew it all the time.Copy !req
317. You may have won this round, but as
long as Quicker Stop still stands,Copy !req
318. I win.Copy !req
319. Oh, man. We forgot. Desmond blows up
the White House of the future.Copy !req
320. Youse guys wanna buy some fireworks?Copy !req
321. Nice dress.Copy !req
322. - How did you find out about the plan?
- What plan?Copy !req
323. I hope there are
no hard feelings, sir.Copy !req
324. Well played, clerks.Copy !req
325. I underestimated you once,
but never again.Copy !req
326. I vow that my vengeance
won't be swift or entertaining.Copy !req
327. I will draw it out over decades
in such a subtle fashion...Copy !req
328. that you'll have to wonder
whether the misery in your life...Copy !req
329. is either manifest or the machinations
of Leonardo Leonardo...Copy !req
330. or a third thing.Copy !req
331. Good evening.Copy !req
332. You know, you and I are far fonder
of this town than we ever let on.Copy !req
333. And even "farrer" fonder
of our crappy jobs. Go figure.Copy !req
334. Tonight, we showed more
pluck and industriousness...Copy !req
335. than we've ever thought
ourselves capable of.Copy !req
336. We were able to affect
major change in our lives.Copy !req
337. Things will never be the same again!Copy !req
338. - Can you guys Vulcanize tires
while I wait yet?
- No.Copy !req
339. Haven't you guys learned anything?Copy !req
340. Me and Silent Bob
would just like to announce...Copy !req
341. that we'll now be officially hanging out
in front of these stores again.Copy !req
342. Officially.Copy !req
343. Oh, yes.
Snooch to the nooch.Copy !req
344. - Let's turn in so we can
start hiking early.
- Shouldn't we clean up?Copy !req
345. - Nah, let's just leave it for the morning.
— Hold it, kids.Copy !req
346. Oh, my God! It's Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
347. - Hi. I'm Jay.
- And I'm Silent Bob.Copy !req
348. And I'm Charles Barkley.Copy !req
349. What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
350. Kids, if Silent Bob could talk, he'd
remind you that when you're camping,Copy !req
351. it's always smart to tie your food up
in the trees at night...Copy !req
352. so as not to attract bears.Copy !req
353. - Word.
- Wow. Let's do it.Copy !req
354. Thanks, Jay.
Thanks, Silent Bob.Copy !req
355. - Sure.
- No problem.Copy !req
356. - So the next time you're camping—
- Bear this tip in mind.Copy !req
357. Thanks for watchin'.Copy !req