Cheers 2x21

Christopher Lloyd as Phillip Semenko • Steve Giannelli as Steve

Sam commissions a portrait of Diane from an artist so obnoxious that he soon forbids Diane to continue posing for him, an order Diane won't accept.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I'LL BE SEEING YOU

2. OK, everybody, listen up. It's time once again for the third annual Cheers picnic.

3. I'll need volunteers for the committees. First, food.

4. Who'll volunteer to take care of the grub?

5. Well, what the heck. I can do this. Ernie Pantusso.

6. I did a pretty good job last year. At least no one complained.

7. The entertainment committee. Who wants to chair it?

8. Well, entertainment goes with food. Ernie Pantusso.

9. We'll need two captains for the softball teams. Two. Come on. A show of hands.

10. Well, I can handle one team. Ernie Pantusso.

11. OK, so who wants the other? One more.

12. Well, I'm going to be out there on the field anyway, so... Ernie Pantusso.

13. Last but not least, I need somebody to head up transportation.

14. I got it. Ernie Pantusso.

15. The meeting of the committee chairmen is at my house tonight at eight o'clock.

16. Please, everybody, try to be on time.

17. - Hey, everybody. Sorry I'm late. - Where have you been?

18. I had to run a few errands. A funny thing happened to me this afternoon.

19. On my way to "Boston Magazine" as one of the city's 20 most eligible bachelors,

20. I saw a man walking a dog.

21. The dog was not walking like a dog. He was walking like a man, on his hind legs.

22. Where's a camera when you need one? OK, enough jokes. Back to work.

23. 20 most eligible bachelors?

24. - What's that? - "Boston Magazine"?

25. And you let them list you?

26. If I hadn't I would have missed that funny dog.

27. You'll dine out on that story.

28. Why did you want them to list you? It's for men seeking female companionship.

29. No. Not entirely. Just good publicity for the bar, that's all.

30. And it gave me a chance to air my views on political issues.

31. What political issues did you air views on?

32. I told them I thought nuclear war would be bad news.

33. Sam, you've stirred up a hornet's nest there.

34. Really? I can always say I was misquoted.

35. I see. "Eligible bachelors" means eligible for a brain transplant.

36. I knew it. I knew you'd make a big deal out of this. Come on.

37. It was a nice little article on my life, my interests and a picture of me.

38. - It wasn't like it was cheesecake. - No, Sam. With men, it's beefcake.

39. If I posed, it would be cheesecake.

40. If you posed, it would be crumb cake.

41. Sam, I'm very hurt by this.

42. Don't be. I'll tell you something now to make you feel better.

43. It was a surprise, but when I talked to my reporter, I said "I may be a bachelor,

44. "but it so happens I already found the woman of my dreams: Diane Chambers. "

45. Really, Sam?

46. - That's very sweet. - Call and check.

47. - Her name's Helen Castella. Go on. - I don't have to call. I believe you.

48. I trust you. I think that was a wonderful thing to do.

49. Me, too.

50. She bought that?

51. I'd like to sell her the old North Church.

52. Good luck.

53. I owned that once.

54. It took me forever to unload it.

55. Boy, did I take a bath on that.

56. - I did it this time. - What are you worried about?

57. She bought it. When it hits the stands, tell her the reporter didn't mention it.

58. - Foolproof. - At best, I'm just buying time.

59. She said she wouldn't call, but she'll call. There's a time when she wouldn't have.

60. - Sam, you don't trust Diane much? - I can't trust a thing that woman says.

61. Once trust goes out of a relationship, it's really no fun Iying to them any more.

62. It's not my fault. She always starts things.

63. Telling me how to walk, how to act, how to think.

64. You've been doing those things since you were what, 14?

65. I start doing things I don't want to do, but knowing it'll tick her off, I do them.

66. The more it drives her crazy, the happier I get. Is that weird?

67. No. We know the woman.

68. Sammy, I think it's time for a romantic gesture.

69. - A trinket to smooth the water. - I've done all that.

70. It'll take more than music and a candlelit dinner to shut her up this time.

71. Sam, listen. It's time for you to take a big step.

72. I wouldn't say this ordinarily to anyone in a million years.

73. But you know what might help?

74. If you actually had physical relations with her.

75. I don't think so. We'll wait until we're sure how we feel about each other.

76. You're a good old-fashioned guy, Sam.

77. All right. You wanna hear the most romantic thing I heard a guy do?

78. Well, I heard that Sally got mad at Burt

79. because she heard he was doing another movie with Loni.

80. So Burt, to make up for it, had someone paint a portrait of Sally.

81. Thank you very much for that enlightenment.

82. We can knock it off with the fan magazine drivel.

83. I read Burt and Sally are headed for the altar.

84. That's not a bad idea, having a portrait done. She'd like that.

85. - Refill, Sam. - It shows some thinking. It's sensitive.

86. The altar? How can Burt do that, with the terrible secret he and Dinah still share?

87. Hey. Do you mind here? What kind of artist should I get to paint Diane?

88. Get a bad one. You don't want it to look like her.

89. Your wisecracks all the time don't make things any easier.

90. You know my philosophy. If you can't say something nice, say it about Diane.

91. Help me out. Where do you go to find an artist? Do you go to a store?

92. We're not talking about TV dinners. We're talking about artists.

93. You gotta go where the artists are. To an artist's place.

94. What's that secret Burt and Dinah share?

95. I can't tell you. In a readers' poll, I voted they should have more privacy.

96. Can I put this in check for a minute?

97. I happen to be a wonderful artist and I'd just love to do a picture of Diane.

98. - I'd consider it a challenge. - You never told me about this.

99. Sure. Let me show you.

100. Norm, just hold it like that, please.

101. - Stinks. - Yeah, it does.

102. I just remembered. It was my brother that had the artistic talent.

103. Now I remember. My talent is eating things that aren't food.

104. - Can we get back to artists? - I deliver mail to one.

105. He's very successful and I'll tell you how successful.

106. Yesterday he received a cheque for $25,853 from a guy named Sweeney.

107. How do you know that?

108. When I put it in the slot, it passed in front of a 300-watt bulb.

109. Do you want me to get him in here?

110. I could talk to him. Do you think he'd come down?

111. I'll give it a shot. I hesitate to use the power vested in me by the Post Office

112. and the Almighty, but I'll make an exception. You got a dime?

113. Wait a second. Maybe this whole thing's about to blow over.

114. - We've been very childish in the past. - We have?

115. Over things like this magazine article.

116. I was about to call that reporter to check your story, but I'm proud I didn't.

117. Me, too.

118. I know we're not perfect and we're going through a difficult time,

119. but I just decided this is the perfect time to start fresh.

120. Let's cleanse our relationship.

121. From this moment on, no more pettiness, no more suspicion, no more dishonesty.

122. - You really mean this, don't you? - I really do.

123. OK, Diane. I'm going to start being honest with you right now.

124. You know I told you I told that reporter about you? I didn't tell her anything.

125. - I see. - I wish I had.

126. Thank you for respecting me enough to tell the truth.

127. I'm glad I didn't tell her. It would have made me looked whipped.

128. If you want me to get on that telephone and tell her, I won't.

129. I was about to say I would, but I won't.

130. The truth is that I like having millions of women looking at my picture

131. and dreaming, "I want him".

132. This is me being honest with you here.

133. That's exactly what I wanted.

134. This is great. Why didn't we do this sooner?

135. - I don't know. - You see, if you start telling the truth...

136. Sammy, I'll make that phone call.

137. You kids just carry on with what you're doing.

138. Someone put their names on your picnic sheet.

139. No kidding. How many?

140. Three. We got Ziggy Stardust, the Mad Hatter and Clark Kent.

141. Looks like I got myself an in-field.

142. Evening, everybody.

143. - How are you feeling? - Naked without my beer.

144. Walked over here, dragging my thirst behind me.

145. - So how was dinner? - Listen up, everybody.

146. Stay away from that Hungry Heifer place.

147. They've been advertising. No good?

148. Awful. They served a terrible piece of meat, tough potatoes, soggy vegetables.

149. - Why didn't you send it back? - The service stinks.

150. By the time the waiter asked me if it was OK, I was through.

151. - Can I help you? - I have come to pander to the tasteless.

152. You want to head the food committee. A chairman for the food committee!

153. - I like my buffalo sunny-side up, Chief. - Are you referring to my apparel?

154. No offence there, Little Beaver, but it is a tad out of the mundane.

155. Excuse me, but what is that outfit?

156. An Arapaho ceremonial tunic worn by the village elders when they hold council.

157. I earned it by letting them pierce my flesh with wild turkey quills.

158. This is a JC Penney wash and wear, tapered tails.

159. The salesman was nasty, but I didn't have to go through that.

160. I'm looking for Sam Malone. He's interested in buying some of my work.

161. You must be Phillip Semenko. I'm Cliff Clavin, your mailman.

162. - We finally meet face to face. - I can die now.

163. Yeah. You've got a great wit about you. Thanks for stopping by.

164. - I don't like to be touched. - I can grok that.

165. I don't like to be touched either.

166. I bet neither one of you has to tell that to a lot of people.

167. Here's the connoisseur. Sam, our artist friend Mr Semenko is here.

168. Hi, I'm Sam Malone, Mr Cementma... Samakama...

169. That walking fire hydrant told me you were a man of intelligence.

170. - I see no evidence of that. - Maybe he's exaggerating a little bit.

171. I'm new to this art thing, but I've heard good things about you.

172. You could get me out of the dog house by painting a picture of my girlfriend.

173. I don't care how you do this. Make it look like her and have it here by tomorrow.

174. I got some snapshots I took in the mountains.

175. That's her on the left. These were taken in New Hampshire. We got a little cabin.

176. I'm wearing the funny hat there in that one. This one's pretty good.

177. It's shot up in the cabin. You ever get up that way?

178. I guess not.

179. It is OK if you hold these by the edges.

180. - Is there a problem here? - Your existence.

181. I was told I was to meet a wealthy art investor who could fill my coffers.

182. No, I'm not above that yet.

183. Instead, I find myself facing a nightmarish product

184. of our floundering educational system.

185. Hey, I don't have to take that. Do I?

186. - Let's just call this whole thing off. - You are an ignorant man. You all are.

187. You are all stuff to fill graves.

188. Don't forget to tell your friends about Cheers?

189. Don't feel too bad. I feel I'm partly to blame.

190. Let's talk, Cliff.

191. Hello, everyone. I'm back.

192. I'm sorry I stormed off like that.

193. I've cooled off. Coach, Carla, everybody, let's just continue.

194. It's important you know I wasn't really trying to kill Sam

195. when I wrapped the telephone cord...

196. - May I help you? - That's the face I've been looking for.

197. Sorry, I'm still using it.

198. I could let you visit it on weekends.

199. - Two draughts, Coach. - Coming up.

200. What?

201. - What do you want from me? - I'm Phillip Semenko.

202. I want to paint you.

203. Phillip Semenko, the genius?

204. That's redundant.

205. I've seen your work and you're brilliant.

206. And I love this Arapaho ceremonial tunic.

207. What are you doing here?

208. Up to now, fondly remembering my bout with jaundice.

209. Then I saw you. I want you to be my next subject.

210. You're kidding. Me? Why?

211. You have an ancient soul and it's suffering more than it ever has before.

212. Suffering?

213. Your spirit is imprisoned, trapped. Stretched on a rack.

214. Your eyes have the look of a strangling sparrow.

215. Well, that's in this year. Last year it was bangs.

216. Hey, Tonto. I told you to beat it.

217. - Something important is happening. - You're leaving. The deal's off. Beat it.

218. You have nothing to do with this! How dare you interrupt the artistic process?

219. That's how I get my kicks. Now, vamoose.

220. Stop. This is Phillip Semenko, the genius. He wants to paint me.

221. I've never been so excited in my life.

222. - You heard of this clown? - Of course.

223. He's the country's most promising young artists. Some day he could be great.

224. Come on. If he's a great artist, what's he doing alive?

225. Sam, will you stop? This is the chance of a lifetime.

226. Can't you see how fascinated he is by me?

227. I must start our sessions tomorrow. Maybe now.

228. Wait a minute. Don't you see what's going on?

229. He'll invite you to his place, get you nuded up.

230. That happens to be my territory.

231. Sam, don't be silly. Of course he wouldn't want me nude.

232. Even if he did, I'd do it. He is brilliant. You don't want me in the nude, do you?

233. I'm open-minded about that sort of thing. It's just there are so many colds around.

234. I paint the soul, not the body. To me, every soul is naked.

235. The weirdo walks.

236. Sam, I want him to paint me. I can't let an opportunity like this pass.

237. Honey, I don't like him.

238. You do anything with him, go anywhere, share a bus with him and we're through.

239. I have spoken.

240. - Fine. - What?

241. I said fine. Whatever you want. I see how strongly you feel about it, so fine.

242. Yeah? In that case, I got something else to tell you.

243. And as soon as I think of it, I will.

244. I can only imagine the hell you've endured.

245. - It hasn't been easy. - Well, goodbye.

246. Wait. I really want you to paint me.

247. What about that malignant growth you call a boyfriend?

248. Give him time to cool down. Once he sees the finished work, he'll forgive me.

249. - He'll forgive you and forgive everything. - He'll hate it and hate you for doing it.

250. If you pose for me, it'll drive a wedge between you and him.

251. So you won't do it?

252. I'll do it for free.

253. Hey, listen up, everybody. I'm sorry about coming on strong like that.

254. It seems unprofessional, but roughhouse is the only language

255. some people understand and I know how to speak it.

256. Thanks for your attention. Go back and have some fun there. Where's Diane?

257. TO BE CONTINUED...

258. English