Cheers 2x17

Tim Cunningham as Greg • Alan Fine as Delivery Man #1 • Charles Champion as Delivery Man #2 • Al Rosen as Al

Coach is conned into buying an old scale which also prints out fortunes, and the Cheers gang each see their fortunes - except for Diane, who thinks it is all a load of rubbish. Meanwhile, Norm and Vera make progress in their relationship.

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1. FORTUNE AND MEN'S WEIGHT

2. - Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

3. - How does a beer sound? - I finish 'em before they get a word in.

4. Aren't you a bit dressed up to come here and suck on taps?

5. If you must know, I've other plans for this evening. I've a date.

6. - Who is it? - A blind date.

7. - Dangerous. - Walking into a minefield.

8. A friend set us up. He assures me she's perfect for me.

9. That's what they all say.

10. She had good table manners, great personality and an excellent posture?

11. They always make it sound good.

12. As a matter of fact, he said she was easy on the eye.

13. You're a dead man, Norm.

14. - Where do you want it? - Want what? I didn't order that.

15. - Cheers, right? - Yeah.

16. Coach, did you buy this?

17. - Not me, Sam. - Your name is on the invoice.

18. It's a mistake. Why would I buy a crate?

19. - It's an antique scale. - I bought the scale.

20. Now that I look at it, I'm disappointed.

21. We're in a hurry. Can you sign it?

22. Why did you do this? Don't buy anything for the bar without checking with me.

23. I'm sorry, Sam. That salesman, I couldn't resist him. He had a way about him.

24. - One of those fast talkers? - No. Big tall skinny guy with a beard.

25. Reminded me of somebody in history. The president who freed the slaves.

26. - Abraham Lincoln? - Only this guy wasn't nice at all.

27. As a matter of fact, he was kind of mean.

28. He reminded me of that little guy in Germany with the moustache.

29. - Adolf Hitler? - Don't play trivia with this guy.

30. A cross between Abraham Lincoln and Hitler?

31. Normie, I don't know. He was strange, Normie.

32. He was dressed in black, his eyes shined like coals

33. and he had a deep voice and he said to me,

34. "This scale will not only tell you your weight, but it will tell you your destiny. "

35. - He had an accent? - No.

36. Then why did you say it like your weight and your destiny?

37. Just a little colour, Carla.

38. - I'm calling him to say we don't want it. - I'd like to see what it looks like.

39. And it tells your fortune.

40. - Go on. Open it. - Goody.

41. I'm still sending it back.

42. Coach, give Norman a screwdriver, please.

43. I've got a big date. I don't want to get pits.

44. Come on. It won't be that hard.

45. We'll stop you before your shoes get squishy.

46. Here's an opening hint from a guy who's opened a lot of these rascals.

47. If you smack this baby here, it'll open up like a big walnut.

48. That's the epicentre of the fulcrum.

49. Step back, Diane. This thing'll shear your kneecaps off.

50. - Are you all right? - I can't find my shoes, Clyde.

51. - I think the dog got them. - Sit right here. Here we go.

52. Let's get her out.

53. - Ain't that nice? - I like it. Can we keep it?

54. I'm afraid we're going to have to. The number's been disconnected.

55. The guy's obviously a conman.

56. I knew he was a conman the minute I laid eyes on him.

57. As a collector of antiques, I think it might some day be worth what you paid for it.

58. Or a fraction thereof.

59. Sam, the salesman also said, "This scale is not being made any more. "

60. "This one was in a cellar for over 40 years. "

61. Coach, you shouldn't have bought it.

62. - This has been fun, but I gotta go. - Normie, get on the scale.

63. See how you'll make out tonight.

64. Come on. It doesn't have any fortunes left after all these years.

65. Do you get tired of being wrong?

66. "Your most troublesome problem will be solved. "

67. Sounds like you're going to get a trim on the old antlers tonight.

68. Norm, what's your most troublesome problem?

69. That's tough to say, Coach. Let's see. I'm overweight, unemployed,

70. separated, depressed, starting to drink too much.

71. I guess my biggest problem is I've never been happier.

72. - I'm going next. - Wait. Men in uniform first, Carla.

73. They love it. It will be bigger than that amusement park in California.

74. - The one with the mouse and the duck. - Disneyland.

75. You're tough, Sam, but I'm gonna get you.

76. - "Sanderson, Florist. " - What's the occasion, Sam?

77. For Diane.

78. Did she die?

79. - Of course not. - Is she dying?

80. Is she suffering? Throw me a bone.

81. No. She'll be mad cos I didn't take her to some stupid art show.

82. Flowers are the way to calm her down. Hi. Sanderson, Florist?

83. There's my guy. Give me a big smoocheroo.

84. - You're not mad? - Of course not.

85. I just missed you so, you big lug.

86. Keep up the good work.

87. - Hey, everybody. - What's up, Normie?

88. - The corners of my mouth. - Sounds like that blind date paid off.

89. It turns out my buddy played a trick on me.

90. Guess who the date turns out to be? My ex. Vera.

91. Ready for the punch line? We're back together.

92. Norman, that's wonderful.

93. I feel so good, I'd like to set up the entire bar.

94. But as that's financially impossible, I'll settle for buying Cliff a drink.

95. Thank you, Norm. Chivas on the rocks.

96. What, 12-year-old Scotch? I was thinking more like a beer.

97. Come on. This is great news. You got Vera back.

98. Yeah, Vera. Not Nastassja Kinsky. Vera.

99. Beer, Coach.

100. What's it like to go out on a blind date and then you find out it's your own wife?

101. Well, we were both kind of nervous at first.

102. Then we split some clams casino and a little Chateaubriand, her favourite wine.

103. Next thing, we went back to what used to be our place

104. and... we kind of made love.

105. You can't kind of make love.

106. You don't know Vera.

107. - Oh, my God! - What?

108. It's happening!

109. She's losing what's left of her grey matter and I don't mean her underwear.

110. - What's wrong? - It's his fortune.

111. The machine said his worst problem would be solved and Vera's back.

112. Carla, that was entirely fortuitous.

113. You're right, Diane. My little card said I would hear from a distant loved one.

114. Sure enough, a half hour later, my daughter in Pennsylvania calls me.

115. No. That doesn't count. She always calls you.

116. - Pennsylvania's not that distant. - She called me from California.

117. She's on vacation there.

118. It had nothing to do with your fortune, or Norman's.

119. Yeah? How about this? My fortune said, "Time waits for no one. "

120. Last night, I get home late and my kids had started a fire cooking their dinner.

121. - Explain that. - Easy. You're an idiot.

122. Look, there are things you eggheads can't explain away in this world.

123. Listen, nothing and nobody controls what happens to us.

124. You had a lucky piece when you pitched.

125. A lot of good it did me. The only battles I ever won in life, I won on my own.

126. - That was brilliantly put. - You said that to me a few days ago.

127. But you remembered it and used it in the proper context.

128. Yeah, they should carve his face on a mountain.

129. You've been with Diane so long, you can't see the facts in front of your nose.

130. This machine has powers.

131. I guess I should get on and see what the future holds for me.

132. Don't joke about this.

133. What on earth are you doing?

134. I'm warding off evil spirits. If you weren't stupid, you'd do the same.

135. Preposterous.

136. - What does the card say? - What difference does it make?

137. "Deception in romance proves costly. "

138. You see. You know how she feels about honesty.

139. She likes it.

140. - Honest as the day is long. - Absolutely.

141. Now, can we all go back to work, please?

142. Good idea.

143. Are you all right?

144. That's $20 postage due, sir, and how are we today?

145. - Cliff, you're in Cheers. - Cheers. Yes, sir. I know where that is.

146. - Are you all right? - Yeah. Just bruised my knee.

147. I hope I'll be able to do my postal round tomorrow.

148. - Do you want to get an X-ray? - No. I'll just check it out here.

149. I'm fine.

150. Wait a minute, Cliff.

151. You got a fortune from that machine. What was it?

152. What was it?

153. Did it say anything about falling down stairs?

154. I remember. It was "Talk to bigwigs".

155. - What "ooh"? - I don't know yet.

156. But there must be a connection.

157. - You're not in the ballpark on this one. - Wait. I got it. Bigwig, right?

158. - Who is the biggest bigwig of them all? - Sinatra.

159. - No. Even bigger. - Ronald Reagan.

160. - No. Bigger. - Sinatra.

161. If you ask me who runs this country, it's big oil companies. Who runs Texaco?

162. At my station, Dave and his son Herbie.

163. Machmoud does the windows.

164. You can't get much bigger than Herbie, Dave and Machmoud.

165. I am talking about God. God is the biggest wig of them all.

166. Cliff, did you pray before you left home this morning?

167. There you go. If you had prayed, none of this would have happened.

168. Come on. If you stretch it this far, you can make anything out of those fortunes.

169. - I hope this is nothing. Mine was bad. - What was it?

170. It said, "Your valuables are in jeopardy. " I'll show it to you. It's in my wallet.

171. Somebody lifted my wallet.

172. Carla, will you take it easy? He'll owe you the tip.

173. How do you explain that, Sammy?

174. - I found it. - What do you say about that, Carla?

175. It makes no difference. The machine has been right up until now. I say it's evil.

176. It heard me. I'm sorry.

177. Forgive me.

178. Stop it. Everybody's looking. Come on.

179. I don't want to hear any more about it. It is not magic. You can't take it seriously.

180. It's a sad world we live in when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason.

181. What am I talking for? Diane talks good. Tell them how dumb they're being.

182. You're being dumb.

183. Had enough?

184. Well, I guess I'd better get one more just to make sure it's safe to go home.

185. I can't look. Sam, would you read it for me?

186. Don't read it if it's terrible.

187. It's OK. "You will grow lips on your forehead. "

188. Very funny.

189. - It's OK. See you tomorrow. - Good night, Carla. See you, kid.

190. - Keep it up. You'll pay. - Thank you, Carla. Bye-bye.

191. - Night, Sam. - Good night, Coach.

192. - What are you doing? - Seeing if I gained weight.

193. - You didn't. Get off. - What's wrong? You're acting strange.

194. - I'm acting fine. - Let me get my weight here.

195. - Sam, don't. - Will you tell me what's going on?

196. You're coming unglued here.

197. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

198. - That scale has me spooked. - You're kidding me?

199. You're the last person I expect to fall for that voodoo stuff.

200. - Do you remember that fortune I got? - No.

201. - "Deception in romance proves costly. " - So?

202. I took another man to that show last night.

203. You mean, like a guy?

204. At least pay attention. He's a classmate of mine. A male classmate.

205. So you took some pimply wimp from school. Big deal.

206. His complexion is as clear as mine and we had a wonderful time.

207. At the performance?

208. Of course he took me home.

209. And?

210. I invited him in. We had coffee. He left. That was it.

211. Instant coffee or did you grind the beans?

212. It wasn't the same as it is with you. I didn't grind them fine.

213. You did grind the beans?

214. All we did was talk.

215. - You didn't kiss him? - I kissed him good night. It was nothing.

216. It was barely on the lips. On the side. Very dry.

217. I have to be honest.

218. It was so good to talk to someone.

219. I miss talking about the things I can't talk about with you.

220. I didn't tell you because you'd be angry.

221. - I'm not angry. - Of course you are.

222. No, I'm not. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of grateful.

223. I think I see our relationship in a new light.

224. The truth is I don't fulfil all your needs and you don't fulfil all mine.

225. So maybe we should call it quits.

226. What are you doing? I have one innocent evening with a guy.

227. I come to you to make a clean breast of it and this is the reaction I get.

228. You're even less understanding than I feared. Fine. I want out of this.

229. Out of what? I already broke it off.

230. You said, "Maybe we should call it quits. " I'm saying it's definitely over.

231. Hey, I don't care what I said. In my mind, it was definite.

232. That ship has sailed. Our relationship is through.

233. No, we're not through, unless I say we're through.

234. We're through. Now we're through.

235. I'm not having an argument about who broke up with who first.

236. With somebody I broke up with. I'm not going to acknowledge your presence.

237. Is anybody here? Somebody I used to go with? No. It's just Diane. Silly me.

238. - Don't do this. - It's already done.

239. Sam, please. Please don't joke about this.

240. I'm scared.

241. We can't break up because a pile of metal springs said we were going to.

242. There's too much at stake.

243. I'm sorry.

244. Forgive me.

245. - Tell me you didn't break up with me. - Of course I didn't.

246. Then I'm first.

247. - You are history. - That was a rotten...

248. Now I know why I broke up with you long before you broke up with me.

249. Who's talking?

250. It's just my employer.

251. Sam, we got a fortune.

252. - So? - Aren't you going to read it?

253. No. What's the point?

254. Our destiny may be in that card. I know it. I can feel it.

255. - You're crackers. You know that? - Then read it.

256. OK. Fine.

257. You sure we should do this?

258. We've got to. There might be no other way.

259. All right.

260. "Machine empty. Order more fortunes today. "

261. English