Cheers 2x12

Directed by James Burrows

Alan Koss as Alan • Jacqueline Cassell as Customer • George Gaynes as Malcolm Kramer • Thomas Babson as Tom • Tim Cunningham as Greg

Sam lets a dying man tend bar just for fun, but the man leaves the bar patrons $100,000 in a paper napkin will.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. They need me at the branch office to help handle the holiday deluge.

2. Terrific, and now this. My coat's underneath this mess.

3. Come on up here and get your jackets. This is official government business.

4. Got it, Sam.

5. Stand back. I'm going in.

6. I'll find you...

7. - This is obviously not my... - Put it on or I tear off your clothes.

8. Yes, ma'am. Yes, God bless you, Carla.

9. At least dogs won't attack their own.

10. Allow me.

11. Thank you.

12. Watch this.

13. - How do you not burn your hand? - I don't.

14. Show her some of the other tricks.

15. - You know a lot of tricks, do you? - Yeah, I know my share.

16. Show her the one about the disappearing girlfriend.

17. You'll like this one. Watch this.

18. Welcome to Cheers. What can I get you?

19. - What's your bartender's specialty? - He's got hot buttered rum going.

20. Sounds good. Make it a double. I've just had the worst day of my life.

21. You know what I always say? Life is like a Chinese banquet.

22. Between the Peking duck and the sweet and sour fish,

23. you have to expect chicken feet soup.

24. So laugh.

25. I've just been told I have six months to live.

26. I'm sorry.

27. I didn't mean to be facetious. I'm terribly sorry.

28. - I went on and on like a ninny. - Hey, can I get you something?

29. Sammy, how do you do this trick? That one.

30. It's all in your mind. Think about the most pleasant thing in your life.

31. Being burned by this would be the most pleasant thing in my life.

32. - You have to talk to that man there. - Why?

33. He came in here because he just found out he's got six months to live.

34. That's not just an opening line?

35. What kind of a reptile would say that as a sexual overture?

36. Nobody. I mean, not me, that's for sure.

37. - He seems to want to talk about it. - I'll talk to him.

38. How do you cheer someone up who's got six months to live?

39. I'll tell him I have five.

40. - What's he drinking? - Hot buttered rum.

41. Hey, everybody, now watch this.

42. Hey, way to go, Coach. You did it. You must have a high threshold of pain.

43. - I don't know the meaning of the word. - Pretty tough guy.

44. No, he doesn't know what "threshold" means.

45. Thanks, Normie.

46. Hi, can I join you? My name's Sam Malone. I'm the owner of the bar.

47. - Malcolm Kramer. - How do you do?

48. Before I retired I owned a chemical plant outside of Chicago.

49. This may be none of my business but have you got a second opinion?

50. - Doctors make mistakes. - Every doctor says the same thing

51. and I've been to twelve leading specialists.

52. Maybe you'd get better news if you went to a quack.

53. - How's your drink? - Excellent. You're a good bartender.

54. They sound as if they're having a good time.

55. I worked my way through Harvard tending bar. The best years of my life.

56. Do you think you've still got the touch?

57. - You mean it? - Why not? Come on.

58. We've only got two rules - no empty glasses on the bar

59. and if somebody belches, blame a waitress.

60. He did it! What am I yelling about? I bet against him.

61. - Thank you very much. - You never lose it.

62. This guy's terrific.

63. He's a great storyteller and he knows what he's doing.

64. We should have an older guy behind the bar. The customers like it.

65. - What about you, Coach? - I'd like it, too.

66. - I'll think about it. - Thanks, Sam.

67. We're low on beer mugs. Can someone wash these?

68. - I'd love to. - You like washing glasses?

69. You bet. I feel like an 18-year-old college boy.

70. Me, too. See one around?

71. You're on, cutie.

72. - About time you got back. - What's the big deal?

73. The wind shot right through that old thing.

74. And those Lifesavers had to be at least a year old.

75. If Boston ever knew how close it came to a catastrophe, there'd be panic.

76. Kramer, that's Cliff. Give him a beer.

77. That's Mr Kramer. He's a customer.

78. I'd rather have my potables prepared by a competent mixologist.

79. Be a little sensitive. Sam's letting him do this as a favour.

80. Doc says he's going belly-up in a few months.

81. - I'm sorry to hear that. - Those are the breaks, huh?

82. Mr Kramer, you wanted me to tell you when it was 11:00.

83. - I've got a plane to catch. - You're really gonna leave?

84. Yes. I don't want them to call me "the late Malcolm Kramer" before it's official.

85. - Thank you, Sam. - Anytime, Malcolm.

86. - Listen, you come back before... - Soon.

87. Come back real soon.

88. Goodnight, everybody. And thank you.

89. I've had a wonderful time just when I needed it.

90. Someday I hope you'll appreciate how much I really did enjoy it.

91. - Goodbye, Mr Kramer. - Now that's a nice guy.

92. Thanks, Norm. My pop always told me to say goodbye.

93. Excuse me.

94. What you people did this evening was magnificent.

95. It strengthened in me a faith in humanity that gets a little shaky at times.

96. I want you all to know that there's nothing that I wouldn't do for any of you.

97. - Hot dog! - Drop the skivvies and dance!

98. Maggots!

99. Who's the wise guy who shoved the I.O.U. in the tip glass?

100. Let me see this. It's not an I.O.U.

101. This is... a bunch of writing I don't understand.

102. - Is it in a foreign tongue? - No, it's English.

103. In your case, that qualifies.

104. "To Whom It May Concern.

105. "Please be advised that herewith I amend my will to provide the following...

106. "As a token for their kindness, I leave the sum of...

107. "$100,000 to the gang at Cheers, signed Malcolm Kramer. "

108. Is this a joke?

109. Cliff, check that out. See if it's valid.

110. I don't want to pronounce judgment too hastily,

111. but I think there is a precedent in the case of Penoyer versus Neff,

112. when it was found that jurisprudence is the better part of diction.

113. - Tom, you're a lawyer, aren't you? - I work for Singer and Fleckman.

114. Take a look at this. Tell me what it means.

115. His intent here was to have everybody at Cheers

116. split up $100,000 when he dies.

117. I heard him say he was rich, but I thought it was a line.

118. - Sam, who would use a line like that? - Not me.

119. 100 grand. What does that come out to each?

120. Looks like approximately $2,500.

121. Minus my accounting fee, that's a 100 bucks.

122. - We each get a 100 bucks? - No, you split a 100 bucks.

123. Wait a minute. It doesn't say anything about dividing it equally.

124. A lot of these people didn't give the guy the time of day.

125. Wait a minute! It doesn't matter anyway.

126. This paper is worthless.

127. In order for a will to be valid according to Massachusetts law,

128. the stipulations must be precise

129. and the document signed by three witnesses, which this isn't.

130. Come on. It's a beautiful souvenir of an evening of generosity and goodwill.

131. To hell with that! I want my money! Money!

132. Hey, wait a minute. I got an idea here.

133. If we can bring him back, we could get him to write a valid will

134. and then he can stipulate who he wants to get how much.

135. Sure. He's on his way to the airport.

136. - Catch him at the hotel. - I'll go get him.

137. - Why you? - He liked me best.

138. - Yeah? What makes you think so? - He embraced me.

139. We never saw that.

140. It wasn't an overt embrace.

141. It was more like we hugged with our eyes.

142. Whoever goes is gonna have an opportunity at sweet-talking the guy,

143. so we better send somebody that we all trust.

144. Absolutely. OK, I'll go.

145. You'd shoot your mother in the back for two bits.

146. - My mother's a saint! - Send Coach. You all trust Coach.

147. OK, here I go.

148. I'm with it.

149. Play it cool. We don't want to appear too eager and scare the guy off.

150. Tell him his adopted son Norm sends his love.

151. I want all you guys to know

152. that it's a privilege that you picked me for this job

153. and I hope I can answer your expectations.

154. What were your expectations?

155. Coach has been gone an hour. I wonder what he's up to.

156. OK, Sammy, this is it! This will satisfy the Commonwealth of Massachusetts

157. and all we need is Kramer's signature and three witnesses and we got it.

158. Don't think you're gonna get a bigger cut.

159. Listen. On behalf of the federal government, I'd better take a look at this.

160. You misspelled Massachusetts, first of all.

161. On the face of it, this is all prima facie non corpus interruptus anyhow.

162. You're wasting our time. This guy!

163. - What kind of lawyer are you? - You wouldn't know.

164. Try me, Raymond Burr-brain.

165. I'm not actually an attorney yet. I'm gonna take my bar exam next month.

166. - The guy's here on false pretences. - Let's boot him out in the snow!

167. Hey, come on! Whoa! Take it easy!

168. This is getting crazy. Settle down.

169. - They're back! - Hooray for Mr Kramer!

170. What took you so long, Coach?

171. I had to dig the car out...

172. - Why didn't you just take a cab? - It wasn't worth it.

173. The hotel's only a block away.

174. I want you to say hello to my best friend, Mr Kramer.

175. There's some problem about my will?

176. Mr Kramer, you made a wonderful gesture to these people

177. and now they're asking you to repeat it.

178. You do that to me every night.

179. I'm waiting for you to get it right.

180. Mr Kramer, it was a wonderful gesture

181. but you didn't tell us how you wanted us to split it up.

182. You see, what we got here is a real problem.

183. Who gets what? These bozos or my five precious children.

184. Posing for this picture is the longest they've ever stood without crutches.

185. Peddle those monsters somewhere else. It's tonight that counts.

186. Remember those times we had standing over there?

187. How can you ever forget that delightful walk you and I took over to the jukebox?

188. You turned to me when you wanted to know the time.

189. - You didn't tell me. - What am I, Big Ben?

190. Why don't you just give all your money to your relatives?

191. I don't have any close relatives.

192. - You do now, Mervyn. - My name is Malcolm.

193. May I call you Mervyn? That was my father's name.

194. Mr Kramer, you could give this money to charity.

195. Hey, I am charity. Beat it!

196. I don't have time to deal with this. Life's too short. I have a plane to catch.

197. I'm gonna sign the money all over to you. You can divide it as you see fit.

198. - No... - Sorry. I've got to run.

199. Goodbye, everybody. Goodnight. And thanks again.

200. - Goodnight, Mr Kramer. - Yeah, don't be a stranger.

201. Come on, would you? Stop it.

202. Now I'm gonna try to divide this up fair and square,

203. but no appeals to friendship and sentiment

204. and none of that kissy-kissy stuff.

205. How much evidence do you need? Does there have to be blood shed?

206. - Destroy the will. - Let's kill her!

207. - What's it gonna be? - Yeah, walk like a man.

208. Everybody in this room right now gets an equal share and that's it.

209. What are you doing?

210. Now it's over. It's done.

211. Everybody get back to normal.

212. We should have killed her when we had the chance.

213. - I hope it taught you a lesson. - About not being greedy about money?

214. No, always dispose of flaming materials properly.

215. We should have known. Guys like us don't get that kind of money.

216. Well, we're no poorer now than we were when we came in here tonight.

217. You can talk. You're gonna be a lawyer.

218. - But a bad one. - Wanna give me a break?

219. Cheers is Cheers again and I'm relieved.

220. I'm going to go thank Sam and all of you should, too.

221. And, by the way, with all the insanity about the will,

222. no-one said a word about my hairdo.

223. - It stinks. - There. Now was that so hard?

224. What you did out there was fine and noble and I'm very proud of you.

225. And I can tell by that look you're proud of yourself.

226. Yes, Diane, I am. I'm proud and...

227. rich.

228. - What's that? - This baby is my ticket to happiness.

229. This is the will. I burned the phoney one.

230. What? How?

231. Are you kidding me? I do magic, remember?

232. Watch this.

233. Oh, lookee here!

234. That is the most avaricious,

235. unregenerate, rapacious thing you have ever done!

236. Wait. A couple of those words didn't sound very nice.

237. How's this? You have sunk so low

238. you would need a ladder to kiss a snake's hinie.

239. That's clear, but why? I thought it was pretty good.

240. I saw those people going at each other's throats.

241. This was the best possible solution.

242. Come on, look at it logically.

243. How are you going to explain your new-found riches to them?

244. Give me a little credit here. I won't change my lifestyle all of a sudden.

245. My purchases will be simple.

246. Television, maybe. A pair of shoes. A couple pairs of pants.

247. Trip to the Canaries in my brand new 60-foot yacht.

248. I know what you're worried about. Hey, come on. You're my sweetie.

249. I'll split the money with you. Think about all the good you can do with it.

250. What good could come of this?

251. Charities.

252. I suppose one could do wonders

253. with a lot of money, if one were so inclined.

254. I could donate to environmental charities.

255. Fight world hunger, save endangered species,

256. and grab up that fabulous silk dress at Claudine's.

257. - Yes! - Oh, no! Now I'm doing it!

258. - I won't let you do this to your friends! - What are you gonna do? Rat on me?

259. Wait a second! This is what we're talking about here.

260. - You're crazy. - I may be crazy but I'm not stupid.

261. - You're very stupid. - I'll tell you how stupid I am.

262. I see through you like a book.

263. Ah, that stupid.

264. You want my money.

265. What are you gonna do? You gonna blackmail me for it?

266. You just lost your boat ride, baby.

267. You can't slap me. I'm a rich guy.

268. How long are you gonna keep doing this?

269. I don't know you. I've never seen you like this and I don't like it.

270. Don't let this come between us. I want you to help me spend the money.

271. - It will make us happy. - It's making me miserable.

272. Wait till you see the fun we have on that boat!

273. If that guy would kick off in four months, we could have that baby by spring!

274. - Did you hear what you just said? - Oh, my... God.

275. That was a horrible thing to say, wasn't it?

276. Six months would be fine. We could catch the Gulf Stream.

277. What's happening to me? I'm turning into a horrible person.

278. Yes, you are.

279. I'm gonna do what I should have done when I set eyes on this.

280. I'm gonna destroy it before it destroys me.

281. That was the right thing to do.

282. Now let's forget that any of this ever happened.

283. Yes, let's.

284. I hate myself for what I just thought.

285. No, I won't even say it.

286. I know you didn't... but let me know better.

287. Come on. Do you think I would do something like that again

288. after what I just went through?

289. I'm sorry. Of course not.

290. Any person who would do that

291. would have guilt eating away at his guts for the rest of his life.

292. Thank you.

293. I hate her.

294. I really, really do. I hate her so much.

295. English