1. Here's a little known fact: Cheers is
filmed before a live studio audience.Copy !req
2. Excuse me, I've got to powder my nose
in the men's salon.Copy !req
3. Hey, you know, you look
a little like Tip O'Neill.Copy !req
4. Yeah? You know,
a lot of people say that.Copy !req
5. Really, I'm a better-looking fellow
than he is.Copy !req
6. Oh, my God, you are Tip O'Neill!
How do you do?Copy !req
7. - I'm Sam Malone.
- You used to throw for the Sox?Copy !req
8. Yeah, that's right.
What are you doing here in Cheers?Copy !req
9. Well, I'm walking down the street,
and a lady stopped me,Copy !req
10. started to tell me about her philosophy
of life, her philosophy of government,Copy !req
11. and so I ducked in
and thought I'd have a quick one.Copy !req
12. Well, what can I get you here?Copy !req
13. There you are!Copy !req
14. Oh, Mr. Speaker, forgive me
for being so relentless,Copy !req
15. - but I really wanna talk—
- Diane, Diane.Copy !req
16. - Step into the office for a minute.
- What? I'll be right back.Copy !req
17. - What is it, Sam?
- No, she won't.Copy !req
18. One more quick one, Coach,
then I really gotta run.Copy !req
19. Hey, hey, Norm,
what were you saying last weekCopy !req
20. about that do-nothing Congress
down there in DC?Copy !req
21. They're a bunch of clowns.Copy !req
22. - You think so, huh?
- Yeah.Copy !req
23. The average guy off the street,
he could do a better job.Copy !req
24. - No.
- Sure.Copy !req
25. This bozo right here could probably be
a better Congressman than them.Copy !req
26. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
27. You know, I may run for office
someday.Copy !req
28. Oh, yeah. You do that.Copy !req
29. You're out of work too, huh?Copy !req
30. No, I'm Speaker of the House
of Representatives.Copy !req
31. Don't be ridiculous!Copy !req
32. That'd make you Tip O'Neill,
and me...Copy !req
33. a horse's butt.Copy !req
34. You said it, not me.Copy !req
35. - Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm!Copy !req
36. What can I do for you, Norm?Copy !req
37. Well, I am gonna need something
to kill time before my second beer.Copy !req
38. - How about a first one?
- You got it.Copy !req
39. I'm glad you came in today, Norm.
Big day.Copy !req
40. Yeah? What's going on?Copy !req
41. The Miss Boston Barmaid's Contest.
They're picking the finalists today.Copy !req
42. - What is it?
- "What is it?"Copy !req
43. Paul, it's only the biggest event
of the year.Copy !req
44. I mean, words can't describe it.Copy !req
45. A bunch of waitresses serve drinks,
and one of them wins.Copy !req
46. Yeah, that's about it.Copy !req
47. Coach is particularly excited todayCopy !req
48. because this year the contest
is being held right here at Cheers.Copy !req
49. - All right!
- Yeah!Copy !req
50. You know, I hate to burst your bubble,
Coach, but the contest's a phony.Copy !req
51. You gotta fool around
with the judge to get in.Copy !req
52. Oh, that's disgusting!Copy !req
53. Yeah, and he won't return my calls.Copy !req
54. Hey, everybody, I want your attention.Copy !req
55. They picked the finalists for
the Miss Boston Barmaid Contest,Copy !req
56. and this year Cheers is gonna win.Copy !req
57. Finally, they're letting in preggos!Copy !req
58. No, no, no, Carla.
It's not you, it's Diane.Copy !req
59. - Sam, Diane's pregnant?
- No, no, no.Copy !req
60. - She's a finalist, Coach.
- Oh, give me a copy.Copy !req
61. That proves it. There is no God!Copy !req
62. That little pixie.
She didn't say a word about it.Copy !req
63. No, no, she doesn't know
anything about it.Copy !req
64. I entered her without telling her.Copy !req
65. Why, Sam?
Just to cause me anguish?Copy !req
66. Oh, all right, so she's not
the best waitress in the world,Copy !req
67. but she makes it
in these other categories here.Copy !req
68. "Perky, pert, congenial and fun."Copy !req
69. And I don't?Copy !req
70. Sweetheart, you cannot join
the contest. You're pregnant.Copy !req
71. So? Proves I'm congenial.Copy !req
72. - Good point.
- Good point.Copy !req
73. Oh, hey, Sammy, here she comes.Copy !req
74. All right, I want this to be
a surprise.Copy !req
75. Everybody pretend
you don't know anything.Copy !req
76. Coach, grab her apron and put it up
here next to the paper so she sees it.Copy !req
77. - Hello, everyone.
- Hi, Diane.Copy !req
78. You all look chipper today.
What's up?Copy !req
79. Oh, come on! I hate this. Tell me.Copy !req
80. Really, it's nothing at all.Copy !req
81. Something in the paper, eh?Copy !req
82. "The Miss Boston Barmaid competi—"Copy !req
83. I hate female contests
with every fiber of my being.Copy !req
84. Why did you want me to see this?Copy !req
85. Just to make sure you felt
the same way about it that we did.Copy !req
86. - Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.
- Terrible.Copy !req
87. What kind of a ninny would let herself
be entered in a contest like that?Copy !req
88. - This kind.
- That's me!Copy !req
89. Takes guts to admit it.Copy !req
90. Who did this? Who is responsible for this?
I'll kill him.Copy !req
91. You did this.Copy !req
92. That's it, Wong Song You.Copy !req
93. He got killed in the Orient
while trying to rescue a nun.Copy !req
94. That's him.Copy !req
95. You entered me, much as one would
enter a heifer in a county fair.Copy !req
96. Oh, no, no. Come on, Diane.
Honey, no.Copy !req
97. The judges, they just come in,
they secretly watch you work,Copy !req
98. - and then they pick the finalists.
- Yeah.Copy !req
99. In a county fair, you take
the cow to the judges.Copy !req
100. - Thanks a lot, Coach.
- Anytime, Sam.Copy !req
101. Hey, come on, Diane.
I thought you'd be happy about this.Copy !req
102. Oh, of course, of course.Copy !req
103. I love being entered in degrading
female contests.Copy !req
104. Me too, but I'm always pregnant.Copy !req
105. No, come on, this is not degrading.Copy !req
106. I mean, in Boston this is considered
a very, very big honor, Diane.Copy !req
107. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, big, big honor.Copy !req
108. Hey, Di, I mean,
it's a really big, you know...Copy !req
109. It's not as big as
Mail Carrier of the Year, of course,Copy !req
110. but it's up there.Copy !req
111. Mail Carrier of the Year?Copy !req
112. Who do they give that to,
a postman or a pigeon?Copy !req
113. - Hey, watch your mouth.
- It was just a joke.Copy !req
114. Yeah? Well, don't you ever, repeat,
ever joke about the US Postal ServiceCopy !req
115. in front of me or any other mail carrier.Copy !req
116. - All right?
- He didn't mean anything at all by it.Copy !req
117. Yeah. I'd like to see how fat and sassy
he'd be without his daily mail, huh?Copy !req
118. Easy, easy, easy.Copy !req
119. I'm sorry, Norm. I just don't know
what came over me.Copy !req
120. That's okay. You had every right.Copy !req
121. Well, the post office
is everybody's target.Copy !req
122. Oh, but when they want a letter fast,
who do they come to on their knees?Copy !req
123. - Federal Express.
- He's mine!Copy !req
124. Sit down!Copy !req
125. Sam, these contests
perpetuate the attitudeCopy !req
126. that women are mere objectsCopy !req
127. to be judged and ranked in respect
to how well they serve man.Copy !req
128. Oh, come on, lighten up, will you?
Relax a little bit.Copy !req
129. I mean, this is not the UN here.
Have some fun.Copy !req
130. Do you think being scrutinized, poked
and prodded like a side of beef is fun?Copy !req
131. Well, not every day,
but on your odd Saturday night...Copy !req
132. - What do you think I am?
- Are you kidding me?Copy !req
133. I just thought you were cute.
I mean, is that such a big deal?Copy !req
134. Cheers has never won this before.
I thought it might be nice if we did.Copy !req
135. I thought it might be nice if you won it
for us. I mean, I didn't even think.Copy !req
136. I just picked up the silly picture
and sent it in.Copy !req
137. By the way,
where did you get that picture?Copy !req
138. I... Well, you know, I found it.Copy !req
139. Found it where?Copy !req
140. Well, as a matter of fact,
you were pretty careless.Copy !req
141. I found it lying around in your wallet.Copy !req
142. Don't you ever go
through my wallet again.Copy !req
143. Well, don't worry.
It was pretty boring.Copy !req
144. I'm sorry. If I'd known
you were going through it,Copy !req
145. I'd have added
something interesting.Copy !req
146. I have never seen anyone with
so many silly pictures of themselves,Copy !req
147. you with your cat, you on your pony,
you by your car,Copy !req
148. you by your car
with your cat on your pony.Copy !req
149. I'm going to call them
at the contest,Copy !req
150. tell them exactly what I think of
this whole thing and that I won't do it.Copy !req
151. No, come on.Copy !req
152. Damn it!Copy !req
153. Hey, Paul?Copy !req
154. No hard feelings, huh?Copy !req
155. No.Copy !req
156. Hey, it's just that, you know,
the Sears catalog came out this week,Copy !req
157. and it puts kind of a strain on me.Copy !req
158. Yes, I'd like to speak to the person
in charge of female dehumanization.Copy !req
159. What do you mean "speaking"?Copy !req
160. This is in regard to
the Miss Boston Barmaid Competition.Copy !req
161. I am Diane Chambers,Copy !req
162. and I have something to say about
this contest and all contests like it.Copy !req
163. I only wish the whole world could hear
what I have to say.Copy !req
164. There will be reporters there?Copy !req
165. From all the major papers?Copy !req
166. Well, I guess if a contestant
had a few things to say,Copy !req
167. this would be an excellent forum
for them.Copy !req
168. Yes, yes, I am every bit as cute
as my picture.Copy !req
169. Yeah, thank you.
I'll see you at the contest.Copy !req
170. Hey, Diane.Copy !req
171. I just have one thing to say to you,
and I mean this.Copy !req
172. You stay in this contest
or we're no longer friends.Copy !req
173. I'm staying in the contest.Copy !req
174. Wow! Really?Copy !req
175. Yes.Copy !req
176. Hey, Diane?Copy !req
177. You go to bed with me tonight
or we're no longer friends.Copy !req
178. Well, I guess you can just
push friendship so far.Copy !req
179. Norm, hold this for me,
will you, Norm?Copy !req
180. - Oh, what smells great, Coach?
- I just came from the barbershop.Copy !req
181. You know, they put some of
that zingy aftershave stuff.Copy !req
182. Oh, that explains why all these flies
are dying here, Coach.Copy !req
183. Oh, Diane.Copy !req
184. I've been to these things before,
so I know what they're looking for.Copy !req
185. Basically, it's personality,
customer service and all that kind of thing...Copy !req
186. but a nice appearance can't hurt,
you know what I mean?Copy !req
187. - Sex.
- No, no, not sex.Copy !req
188. Just a nice appearance, that's all.Copy !req
189. For example, like, if you lowered your blouse
just a little bit off your shoulders there...Copy !req
190. - Absolutely not!
- Hey, come on, come on.Copy !req
191. Just to check it out.Copy !req
192. Come on.Copy !req
193. Now, that's very nice,
that's very nice.Copy !req
194. Maybe mess your hair up
just a bit, you know.Copy !req
195. That's nice. Lean against the bar here,
that's good.Copy !req
196. Put your elbow up here like that.Copy !req
197. Wet your lips a little, pout.Copy !req
198. I thought you said the judges
weren't looking for sex.Copy !req
199. They're not. I am.Copy !req
200. I just checked out the old competition.
They look even better up close.Copy !req
201. None of those girls have got
what I'm looking for, Normie.Copy !req
202. - What's that?
- Low standards.Copy !req
203. Come clean. One minute
you're against this stupid contest,Copy !req
204. the next minute you're all for it.
What's up?Copy !req
205. You don't like this contest,
do you, Carla?Copy !req
206. - It's a sham.
- Carla.Copy !req
207. You'll be happy to hear I am going to
bring this contest to its knees.Copy !req
208. I like it so far.Copy !req
209. When they introduce me,
I'm going to make a statementCopy !req
210. denouncing those responsible
for this outrage.Copy !req
211. Oh, I love it! I love it!Copy !req
212. You know, there aren't too many
things about you that I like.Copy !req
213. In fact, there is nothing about you
that I like.Copy !req
214. But I always say,Copy !req
215. all great friendships
start with one small act of vengeance.Copy !req
216. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
217. and welcome to the 45th annual
Miss Boston Barmaid Competition.Copy !req
218. First, each contestant will tell us
a little bit about herself.Copy !req
219. Yvonne?Copy !req
220. Hi, I'm Yvonne.Copy !req
221. I go to modeling school,
and I'd like to be an artist.Copy !req
222. Hi, I'm Jocelyn,
and I like being a waitress.Copy !req
223. I'm saving my money to travel
around the world next summer.Copy !req
224. Hi, I'm Bonnie,Copy !req
225. and I have to say,
I really like being just what I am,Copy !req
226. a cocktail waitress
in the best city in the world.Copy !req
227. Boston.Copy !req
228. My name is Diane Chambers,Copy !req
229. and I would like one day to be known
as the voice of my generation.Copy !req
230. You see, I am a humanist.Copy !req
231. And aren't we all?Copy !req
232. Good luck. And if you win,
we'll be seeing you on AM Boston.Copy !req
233. Just let...Copy !req
234. - AM Boston?
- That's right.Copy !req
235. They're gonna be here later to tape
the announcement of the winnerCopy !req
236. for tomorrow morning's program.Copy !req
237. Let the games begin.Copy !req
238. Diane Chambers, humanist.Copy !req
239. And now Yvonne will wait
on the judgesCopy !req
240. who will ask her
a set of prepared questionsCopy !req
241. designed to help us
get to know her better.Copy !req
242. Hello there. I'm Yvonne,
and I'll be serving you.Copy !req
243. What's your pleasure this evening,
gentlemen?Copy !req
244. Could you recommend something
warm and sweet and perfectCopy !req
245. for late in the evening?Copy !req
246. Irish coffee...Copy !req
247. or me.Copy !req
248. And one gin and tonic.Copy !req
249. I am moved, Cliff.
I am visibly moved.Copy !req
250. Gonna be tough to beat.Copy !req
251. Now for our last contestant,Copy !req
252. someone right from here, Cheers,
Miss Diane Chambers.Copy !req
253. Hello, I'm Diane and I'm delighted
to be your waitress this evening.Copy !req
254. - What can I get you?
- Screwdriver, please.Copy !req
255. - What kind of vodka?
- Absolut, please.Copy !req
256. Absolutely!Copy !req
257. - Chivas rocks.
- Chivas rocks.Copy !req
258. - And for you, sir?
- I'll have a beer.Copy !req
259. - Imported or domestic?
- What would you recommend?Copy !req
260. Well, I'll find something nice for you.
Be back in a jiff.Copy !req
261. With pretzels.Copy !req
262. - Good going.
- You're doing terrific, Diane.Copy !req
263. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You dropped some cards here.Copy !req
264. Oh, never mind.Copy !req
265. What is this?Copy !req
266. "Women pitted against each other
in a public display of servitude"?Copy !req
267. Well, I don't know what it means,
but it's making me hot.Copy !req
268. I'll take my speech. Thank you.Copy !req
269. Wait, whoa. What do you mean speech?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
270. Sam, I'm going to win this contest
so I can make a speech denouncing it.Copy !req
271. Oh, my God! Is that what you've
been planning the whole time?Copy !req
272. Sam, I have to do this.Copy !req
273. I don't believe I could be so stupid.
For a minute there,Copy !req
274. I thought you were actually gonna be
a regular person for once.Copy !req
275. - I am not a regular person.
- You're telling me.Copy !req
276. Sam, someday you will realize
that I am doing the right thing.Copy !req
277. Well, why do you always have to
do the right thing?Copy !req
278. Do you see the rest of us
running around doing the right thing?Copy !req
279. And we're happy.Copy !req
280. - May I go now?
- Yeah, go on. Help yourself.Copy !req
281. By the way, by the way,
I just wanna sayCopy !req
282. that I'm really happy to see
that under all this public pressureCopy !req
283. we haven't seen
that facial tic of yours.Copy !req
284. And you won't. Mind over matter.Copy !req
285. St. Pauli Girl.Copy !req
286. An Absolut screwdriver.Copy !req
287. Chivas rocks and pretzels.Copy !req
288. Is there anything else
that I can do for you?Copy !req
289. Is there something wrong, miss?Copy !req
290. - What do you mean?
- Are you all right?Copy !req
291. Well, I have this facial tic.Copy !req
292. But I believe that all of us
have obstacles to overcome in life.Copy !req
293. And in the final analysis,Copy !req
294. the true measure of greatness
is the severity of obstaclesCopy !req
295. one has had to overcome
in order to achieve one's goals.Copy !req
296. I...Copy !req
297. I may not be
the most attractive waitress here.Copy !req
298. I may not be the most talented.Copy !req
299. But I am a survivor.Copy !req
300. I didn't come here to lose,
I came here to win.Copy !req
301. I will beat them all.
I will beat any who come against me.Copy !req
302. And as God is my witness,
I will never be hungry again!Copy !req
303. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
304. this year's Miss Boston Barmaid...Copy !req
305. Miss Diane Chambers!Copy !req
306. Congratulations, Diane.Copy !req
307. - Is that AM Boston?
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
308. I really didn't expect
to win this contest. It has—Copy !req
309. - Thank you, it has been quite—
- And...Copy !req
310. It has been quite—Copy !req
311. It has been quite an experience.Copy !req
312. Now I would like to tell you
my feelings about this contest.Copy !req
313. But before you do that, Diane,
let me tell you what you've won.Copy !req
314. - That's really not necessary. If there—
- Something every waitress needs,Copy !req
315. a six months' worth
of free dry cleaning at Ritz Cleaners.Copy !req
316. Thank you.Copy !req
317. Contests such as these
can do nothing—Copy !req
318. And, for entertaining at home,
a Kitchen Helper food processor.Copy !req
319. Thank you. That's nice.
I've always wanted one.Copy !req
320. But really, ladies and gentlemen,
it's so important—Copy !req
321. A $200 gift certificate
from Filene's department storeCopy !req
322. where you can pick out
some new outfitsCopy !req
323. for that weeklong vacation you
and a friend will be taking to Bermuda.Copy !req
324. Bermuda? Bermuda! Oh, my God!Copy !req
325. Oh, thank you! Thank you!Copy !req
326. I sold out womankind
for a trip to Bermuda.Copy !req
327. Oh, hey, come on, don't feel so bad.Copy !req
328. Most people would've done it
for the dry cleaning.Copy !req
329. Hey, come on.Copy !req
330. Look, I don't even think
you did sell out.Copy !req
331. - Of course I did.
- No, you didn't.Copy !req
332. What you did was
you let your feelings out.Copy !req
333. I mean, for the first time in your life,
you were spontaneous. It was great.Copy !req
334. That's not the first time in my life
I've done something spontaneous.Copy !req
335. May I have my purse, please?Copy !req
336. I enjoy being spontaneous,
every now and then.Copy !req
337. Whenever I think it's appropriate.Copy !req
338. Hey, you're a maniac.Copy !req
339. Okay.Copy !req
340. Maybe I do tend to be
a little uptight at times.Copy !req
341. Maybe this bar is changing me.Copy !req
342. Maybe the atmosphere here
is starting to rub off a little.Copy !req
343. Maybe.Copy !req
344. And maybe, in some small way,
I'm the better for it.Copy !req
345. Maybe you are.Copy !req
346. Maybe I should thank you.Copy !req
347. Maybe you should.Copy !req
348. Like how?Copy !req
349. Forget it. Forget it.Copy !req
350. Hey, hey, come on, wait,
you really wanna make it up to me?Copy !req
351. Let's go to Bermuda.
You got two tickets.Copy !req
352. Don't be coy.Copy !req
353. All right, I know what
you're talking about.Copy !req
354. I've been making
a lot of passes at you,Copy !req
355. but I swear, you take me to Bermuda,
I will be the perfect gentleman.Copy !req
356. - You will?
- Cross my heart.Copy !req
357. Then forget it.Copy !req