1. Excuse me. I've got to powder
my nose in the men's salon.
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2. You look a little like Tip O'Neill.
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3. Yeah?
You know, a lot of people say that.
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4. But I'm better-looking than he is.
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5. My God, you are Tip O'Neill!
How do you do?
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6. I'm Sam Malone.
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7. You used to throw for the Sox.
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8. That's right.
What are you doing here?
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9. I'm walking down the street
and a lady stopped me.
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10. Started to tell me her
philosophy of life and government.
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11. So I ducked in for a quick one.
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12. What can I get you?
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13. There you are!
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14. Mr Speaker, forgive me for being
relentless, but I want...
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15. Diane, step into the office
for a minute.
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16. - What? I'll be right back.
- No, she won't.
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17. One more quick one,
then I've really gotta run.
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18. Norm, what were you saying about
that do-nothing Congress in DC?
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19. - They're a bunch of clowns.
- You think so?
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20. Any average guy could do better.
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21. - Nah.
- Sure.
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22. This bozo could probably be
a better Congressman.
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23. I may run for office someday.
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24. Yeah? You do that.
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25. You're out of work, too?
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26. No, I'm Speaker
of the House of Representatives.
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27. Don't be ridiculous!
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28. That'd make you Tip O'Neill,
and me... a horse's butt.
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29. You said it, not me.
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30. - Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm!
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31. What can I do for you?
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32. I need something to kill time
before my second beer.
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33. - How about a first one?
- You got it.
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34. Glad you came in today. Big day.
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35. - What's going on?
- The Miss Boston Barmaids contest.
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36. - They pick the finalist.
- What is it?
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37. What is it?
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38. It's only the biggest event of
the year. Words can't describe it.
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39. Waitresses serve drinks
and one wins.
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40. Yeah, that's about it.
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41. Coach is particularly excited today.
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42. This year, the contest
is being held right here at Cheers.
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43. Alright! Is that right?
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44. I hate to burst your bubble,
but the contest's a phoney.
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45. You gotta fool around with the judge
to get in.
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46. - That's disgusting!
- Yeah, and he won't return my calls.
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47. Everybody, I want your attention.
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48. They picked the finalists
for the contest.
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49. And this year, Cheers is gonna win.
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50. Finally, they're letting in preggos!
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51. No, Carla, it's not you. It's Diane.
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52. - Diane's pregnant?
- No, no.
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53. She's a finalist, Coach.
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54. Give me a copy!
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55. That proves it. There is no God.
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56. She didn't say a word about it.
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57. She doesn't know about it.
I entered her without telling her.
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58. Why, Sam? Just to cause me anguish?
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59. Alright, she's not the best waitress
in the world.
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60. But she makes the other categories.
"Perky, pert, congenial and fun."
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61. And I don't?
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62. Sweetheart, you cannot join
the contest. You're pregnant.
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63. So? Proves I'm congenial.
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64. - Good point.
- Sammy, here she comes.
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65. I want this to be a surprise.
Pretend you don't know anything.
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66. Coach, grab her apron. Put it
next to the paper so she sees it.
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67. - Hello, everyone.
- Hi.
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68. You all look chipper today.
What's up?
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69. Come on! I hate this.
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70. - Tell me.
- Really, it's nothing at all.
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71. Something in the paper?
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72. "The Miss Boston Barmaid compet..."
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73. I hate female contests
with every fibre of my being.
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74. Why did you want me to see this?
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75. To make sure you felt
the same way we did.
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76. - Disgusting.
- Terrible.
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77. What ninny would let herself
be entered in a contest like that?
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78. This kind.
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79. - That's me!
- Takes guts to admit it.
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80. Who did this? Who is responsible
for this? I'll kill him!
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81. - You did this.
- That's it. Wong Song You.
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82. He got killed in the Orient
trying to rescue a nun.
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83. That's him.
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84. You entered me much as one
would enter a heifer in a fair.
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85. No. Come on, Diane.
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86. I mean, no.
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87. The judges come in,
secretly watch your work,
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88. and then pick the finalists.
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89. In a county fair,
you take the cow to the judges.
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90. - Thanks a lot, Coach.
- Any time.
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91. Come on, Diane.
I thought you'd be happy about this.
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92. Of course.
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93. I love being entered
in degrading female contests.
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94. Me, too, but I'm always pregnant.
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95. Come on. This is not degrading.
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96. - In Boston, it's a very big honour.
- Yeah.
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97. Di, it's really big, you know.
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98. Not as big as Mail Carrier
of the Year, but it's up there.
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99. Mail Carrier of the Year?
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100. Who do they give that to?
A postman or a pigeon?
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101. - Watch your mouth.
- It was a joke.
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102. Yeah?
Don't you ever, repeat, ever,
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103. joke about the US postal service
in front of any mail carrier.
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104. - Alright?
- He didn't mean anything by it.
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105. I'd like to see how fat and sassy
he'd be without his mail.
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106. - I don't know what came over me.
- That's OK. You had every right.
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107. The Post Office
is everybody's target.
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108. But when they want a letter fast,
who do they come to?
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109. - Federal Express.
- He's mine!
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110. Sit down!
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111. These contests perpetuate
the attitude
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112. that women are mere objects,
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113. to be judged and ranked in respect of
how well they serve man.
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114. Come on! Lighten up, will you?
Relax a little bit.
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115. This is not the UN. Have some fun.
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116. Do you think being scrutinised,
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117. poked and prodded
like a side of beef is fun?
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118. Not every day,
but on your odd Saturday night...
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119. What do you think I am?
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120. Are you kidding? I thought you
were cute. Is that such a big deal?
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121. Cheers has never won this.
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122. I thought might be nice if we did,
if you won it for us.
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123. I didn't think. I picked up
the picture and sent it in.
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124. Where did you get it?
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125. I... Well, you know, I found it.
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126. Found it where?
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127. You were pretty careless. I found it
lying around in your wallet.
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128. Don't go through my wallet again.
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129. Don't worry. It was boring.
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130. Sorry. If I'd known, I'd have
added something interesting!
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131. I never saw anyone
with so many pictures of themselves.
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132. With your cat, on your pony.
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133. You by your car
with your cat on your pony.
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134. I'm going to call them,
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135. tell them what I think of this
and that I won't do it.
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136. Come on. Damn.
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137. Paul.
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138. No hard feelings.
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139. No.
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140. The Sears catalogue
came out this week.
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141. It puts a strain on me.
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142. I would like to speak to the person
in charge of female dehumanisation.
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143. What do you mean, "Speaking"?
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144. This is in regard to the
Miss Boston Barmaid competition.
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145. I am Diane Chambers. I have
something to say about this contest.
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146. And all contests like it.
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147. I only wish the whole world
could hear what I have to say.
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148. There will be reporters there?
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149. From all the major papers?
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150. Well, I guess if a contestant
had a few things to say,
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151. this would be
an excellent forum for 'em.
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152. Yes, I am every bit
as cute as my picture.
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153. Thank you.
I'll see you at the contest.
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154. Diane. I have one thing
to say to you, and I mean this.
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155. Stay in this contest,
or we're no longer friends.
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156. - I'm staying in the contest.
- Really?
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157. - Yes.
- Diane!
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158. You go to bed with me tonight,
or we're no longer friends.
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159. Well, I guess you can
just push friendship so far.
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160. Norm, hold this for me.
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161. What smells great, Coach?
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162. I just came from the barbershop.
They put on that zingy aftershave.
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163. That explains
why these flies are dying here.
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164. Diane. Listen, I've been to these
things before. I know what they want.
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165. It's personality
and customer service,
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166. but a nice appearance can't hurt,
know what I mean?
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167. - Sex?
- No, not sex, a nice appearance.
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168. If you lowered your blouse
off the shoulders...
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169. Absolutely not!
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170. Come on, just to check it out.
Come on.
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171. That's very nice.
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172. Maybe mess your hair up just a bit.
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173. That's nice. Lean against the bar.
Elbow up here, like that.
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174. Wet your lips a little. Pout.
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175. That's good.
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176. You said the judges
weren't looking for sex.
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177. They're not. I am.
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178. Just checked out the competition.
They look even better up close.
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179. None of those girls have got
what I'm looking for.
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180. - What's that?
- Low standards.
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181. Come clean. One minute
you're against this contest,
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182. the next you're all for it.
What's up?
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183. You don't like this contest, do you?
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184. It's a sham.
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185. Carla, you'll be happy to hear
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186. that I am going to
bring this contest to its knees.
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187. I like it so far.
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188. When they introduce me,
I'm going to make a statement
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189. denouncing those
responsible for this outrage.
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190. I love it!
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191. You know, there aren't many things
about you that I like.
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192. In fact, there is nothing
about you that I like.
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193. But I always say
all great friendships
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194. start with
one small act of vengeance.
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195. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
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196. Welcome to the 45th annual
Miss Boston Barmaid competition.
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197. First, each contestant will tell us
a little bit about herself.
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198. Yvonne?
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199. Hi, I'm Yvonne. I go to modelling
school. I'd like to be an artist.
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200. Hi, I'm Jocelyn.
I like being a waitress.
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201. I'm saving my money to travel
around the world next summer.
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202. Hi, I'm Bonnie. I have to say,
I really like being just what I am,
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203. a cocktail waitress
in the best city in the world.
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204. Boston.
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205. Go!
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206. My name is Diane Chambers
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207. and I would like one day to be known
as the voice of my generation.
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208. You see, I'm a humanist...
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209. Aren't we all? Good luck. If you win,
we'll be seeing you on AM Boston.
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210. Just let...
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211. AM Boston?
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212. Right. They'll be here later to tape
the announcement of the winner.
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213. Let the games begin!
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214. Diane Chambers, humanist.
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215. Now, Yvonne will wait on the judges,
who'll ask will ask questions
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216. designed to help us
get to know her better.
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217. Hello, there. I'm Yvonne.
I'll be serving you.
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218. What's your pleasure, gentlemen?
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219. Can you recommend something warm,
sweet and perfect for the evening?
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220. Irish coffee... or me.
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221. And one gin and tonic.
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222. I am moved, Cliff.
I'm visibly moved.
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223. - Gonna be tough to beat.
- Now for our last contestant.
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224. From here at Cheers,
Miss Diane Chambers.
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225. Hello. I'm Diane,
I'm delighted to be your waitress.
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226. - What can I get you?
- Screwdriver, please.
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227. - What kind of vodka?
- Absolut.
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228. Absolute-ly
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229. - Chivas rocks.
- I'll have a beer.
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230. - Imported or domestic?
- What do you recommend?
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231. I'll find something nice for you.
Back in a jiff, with pretzels.
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232. You were terrific!
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233. - Wait, you dropped some cards here.
- Never mind.
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234. "Women pitted against each other
in a display of servitude."
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235. I don't know what it means,
but it's making me hot.
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236. - I'll take my speech, thank you.
- What do you mean, speech?
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237. I'm going to win this contest so
I can make a speech denouncing it.
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238. Oh, my God! Is that what
you've been planning the whole time?
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239. Sam, I have to do this.
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240. I don't believe I could be so stupid.
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241. I thought you might be
a regular person for once.
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242. - I am not a regular person.
- You're telling me!
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243. Sam, someday, you will realise
that I am doing the right thing.
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244. Why do you always
have to do the right thing?
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245. Do you see the rest of us doing it?
We're happy.
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246. - May I go now?
- Yeah, go on. Help yourself.
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247. By the way, just want to say, I'm
glad that under all this pressure,
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248. we haven't seen
that facial tic of yours.
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249. And you won't. Mind over matter.
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250. St Pauli Girl.
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251. Absolut screwdriver,
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252. Chivas rocks and pretzels.
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253. Is there anything else
that I can do for you?
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254. Is there something wrong, miss?
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255. - What do you mean?
- Are you alright?
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256. Well, I have this... facial tic.
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257. But I... I believe that all of us
have obstacles to overcome in life.
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258. And in the final analysis,
the true measure of greatness
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259. is the severity of obstacles
one has had to overcome
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260. in order to achieve one's goals.
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261. I...
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262. I may not be the most attractive
waitress here, or the most talented,
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263. but I am a survivor.
I didn't come here to lose.
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264. I came here to win.
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265. I will beat them all.
I will beat any who come against me.
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266. As God as my witness,
I will never be hungry again!
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267. Ladies and gentlemen,
this year's Miss Boston Barmaid,
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268. Miss Diane Chambers!
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269. Congratulations, Diane!
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270. - Is that AM Boston?
- Yes, it is.
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271. I really didn't expect
to win this contest. It has...
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272. Thank you. It has been quite...
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273. It has been quite an experience.
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274. Now, I would like to tell you
my feelings about this contest.
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275. But first, let me tell you
what you've won.
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276. - That's not necessary.
- Something every waitress needs.
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277. Six months' worth of free
dry cleaning at Ritz Cleaners!
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278. Thank you.
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279. Contests such as these do nothing...
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280. And for entertaining at home,
a Kitchen Helper food processor.
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281. That's nice. I've always wanted one.
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282. Ladies and gentlemen...
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283. A $200 gift certificate
from Filene's Department Store,
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284. where you can buy some new outfits
for that week-long vacation
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285. you and a friend
will be taking to Bermuda!
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286. Bermuda!
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287. Oh, my God!
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288. I sold out womankind
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289. for a trip to Bermuda.
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290. Don't feel so bad. Most people
would do it for the dry cleaning.
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291. Come on.
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292. I don't even think you did sell out.
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293. - Of course I did.
- No, you let your feelings out.
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294. For the first time in your life,
you were spontaneous. It was great!
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295. It's not the first time I've been
spontaneous. May I have my purse?
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296. I enjoy being spontaneous,
every now and then.
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297. Whenever I think it's appropriate.
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298. You're a maniac.
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299. OK.
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300. Maybe I do tend to be
a little uptight at times.
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301. Maybe this bar is changing me.
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302. Maybe the atmosphere
is rubbing off a little.
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303. Maybe.
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304. And maybe, in some small way,
I'm the better for it.
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305. Maybe you are.
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306. Maybe I should thank you.
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307. Maybe you should.
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308. Like how?
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309. Forget it.
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310. Come on, you really want
to make it up to me?
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311. Let's go to Bermuda.
You got two tickets.
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312. Don't be coy.
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313. Alright, I know I've made
a lot of passes at you.
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314. But take me to Bermuda,
I'll be the perfect gentleman.
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315. - You will?
- Cross my heart.
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316. Then forget it.
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