Cheers 1x16

Directed by James Burrows

Jack Knight as Jack • Harry Anderson as Harry the Hat • Alan Autry as Tom Kenderson • John Furey as Larry • Michael Kearns as Richard

Cheers' regulars fear the place may become a gay hangout after an old friend of Sam's reveals his homosexuality on TV.

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1. Alright, locking it up. Who needs a ride home?

2. Come on, who needs a ride home?

3. I guess we're all sober enough to drive ourselves tonight.

4. Looks like you get to go straight home for a change.

5. I've never driven straight home. I wouldn't know how to do it.

6. - OK, Coach. You can take me. - What a prince.

7. - Thanks, I owe you one. - Any time.

8. Goodnight now.

9. Drop me off at Kenmore Square.

10. I can catch a cab to take me back here to my car.

11. What do you think you're doing?

12. Just having a little late-night fun.

13. Listen, pencil neck, you're starting to get on my nerves.

14. Please don't call me pencil neck. I am not a pencil neck.

15. I'm sorry.

16. I didn't mean to call you pencil neck, gozzlehead.

17. Name calling. The last refuge of the monosyllabic.

18. I don't know what that means but I heard slob in there.

19. Hey, come on, Diane, Carla, you go at each other every night.

20. We're getting scouts in here from the roller derby.

21. Listen, I mean it. Do something about this, or I'm gonna...

22. I'm gonna think about personnel changes.

23. What choice do we have, Sam? We don't like each other.

24. No, Carla, Sam's... Carla.

25. Sam's making good sense.

26. You could knock me over with a feather, but he is.

27. We need to sit down together and talk this out.

28. That's nuts. What's there to talk about?

29. Listen. I want you to sit down and settle this, or else.

30. We'll do it.

31. Carla

32. Do it.

33. - Can we use this table? - Oh, you mean here? No.

34. I was thinking more along the lines of your homes or a coffee shop.

35. Down by the docks, maybe.

36. Sam. We'll lock up, don't worry about it.

37. Now is the time. This is the place.

38. Unchecked rage is like a festering wound.

39. Laughs aplenty tonight.

40. Look. You expect me to I leave the two of you here without a referee?

41. Come on. What could happen?

42. in a room filled with glass and alcohol. Silly.

43. - This was your idea. Bye. - Alright. Check the locks twice, OK?

44. Aye, aye, captain.

45. And make sure the lights over the bar are out.

46. Lights over the bar. Right. Goodnight.

47. Maybe check the thermostat.

48. We'll do that, yes. Thank you, goodnight and goodbye.

49. I have no life insurance. Just this place.

50. Goodnight.

51. OK, let's sit down, relax and open the lines of communication.

52. I want a drink.

53. Wonderful. Let's have a bottle of wine.

54. I think we've got your favourite. Château Guam.

55. I'm talking a drink. I'll make it.

56. Wonderful. OK.

57. You're gonna like this.

58. And then we use...

59. I only do it for special occasions.

60. Well, Carla, thank you. I'm honoured.

61. You're really getting into the spirit of this thing.

62. - What's the drink? - A family recipe.

63. We call it Leap lnto An Open Grave.

64. You're kidding.

65. My Uncle Joe stumbled across it when he was making a car bomb.

66. You're kidding, right? Carla?

67. One for good luck.

68. Nice touch.

69. Keep the glasses moving so the fumes don't burn a hole in the ceiling.

70. Delicious.

71. And it goes right to your head.

72. No one in my family lives past 43.

73. OK, let's chat.

74. I don't know what we're talking for.

75. We're different people. We'll never get along.

76. - We're not totally different. - Name one similarity.

77. Well, we...

78. We're both women.

79. Why do I get the feeling that we're jerking our chain, here?

80. No, there's more. We both share the same job.

81. Of course, I'm not as good at it as you are.

82. It doesn't take a genius to notice.

83. But thank you.

84. You know, Carla, I particularly admire the way you handle passes.

85. - Yeah? - Yeah.

86. A guy in the back room tonight asked me

87. if I wanted to play something called The Shepherdess And The Hun.

88. Which part did he want you to play?

89. This is fun, isn't it?

90. Easy give-and-take between two working gals.

91. You know, I think we're coming together.

92. That's the Open Grave.

93. Give it another 15 minutes, you'll be French-kissing the sump pump.

94. No, seriously. We're connecting, I'm certain of it.

95. Yeah. People need people.

96. I'm a people person. I can be there for you, I wanna be there for you.

97. Please, benefit from my depth.

98. This stuff. Great.

99. You would do that for me? You'd listen to me?

100. With all my heart, mind and soul.

101. You know, Thank you.

102. There are moments when I wanna spill my guts, know what I mean?

103. Yes.

104. I've got things,

105. one thing in particular,

106. that I've been carrying around inside of me for a long time.

107. Tell me.

108. I barely know you.

109. Well, Carla, you brought it up. You obviously want to get it out.

110. Maybe I do, but...

111. Carla, I swear, I'll keep my mouth shut. I swear.

112. About five years ago...

113. .. Sam threw a party here.

114. The big guy was still on the sauce

115. so every night was an excuse for a big bash.

116. Anyway, this one time he was too tanked to drive home.

117. So I took him.

118. I helped him upstairs...

119. ..to his bedroom.

120. One thing led to another.

121. Nine months later, Gino was born.

122. - Gino? - Sam's son.

123. Carla, I don't believe this.

124. Me neither, you're gonna die.

125. Sam.

126. Sam did this?

127. He's a beast.

128. No. Sam's been really good about it.

129. I mean, he's always helped out with the kid.

130. I've never blamed him for anything.

131. It's as much my fault as his.

132. But you bore the child, you're raising the child.

133. You plucky little soldier, you.

134. Sam and I are the only ones that know, understand?

135. Carla, l... I just wanna hug you right now.

136. I feel kinda close to you, too.

137. People

138. People who need people

139. Good God.

140. Carla, my gumba.

141. I like somebody who knows when she's had enough.

142. Hi. Sorry I'm back, I forgot my bubblegum.

143. I know that sounds crazy...

144. Oh, my God, Carla, you killed her.

145. Don't get your hopes up, Sam. I just mixed her a drink.

146. Carla, you made her an Open Grave.

147. Yeah. And she leaped right in.

148. She's out cold. This is irresponsible.

149. - I tried to slow her down. - I'm gonna take her home.

150. - Will you get her things for me? - Sure.

151. Did you straighten things out?

152. Yeah. You know, it was great.

153. She got sickening,

154. I told the biggest lie I could think of and she started to sing.

155. - Why did you do that? - She brings out the devil in me.

156. I dunno. I was getting a buzz on feeling loose.

157. I decided to have some fun with her.

158. What did you tell her?

159. Sam, it's something I told Diane.

160. She swore she would never tell another living soul.

161. She'll tell you tomorrow.

162. - Afternoon, everybody. - Norm.

163. - How's it going? - Daddy's rich, Mamma's good-lookin'!

164. Good evening.

165. Hi, Diane. How are you?

166. Hey, Sis, how's my buddy feeling today?

167. Well,

168. ..l got up this morning, washed my face.

169. I shaved my tongue.

170. I came right in.

171. However,

172. no regrets.

173. Evenings like that come seldom in a lifetime.

174. - How are you, Carla? - Fine, thanks.

175. How is poor little Gino?

176. A little hung over, are we?

177. I can't keep anything from you.

178. You know, I know something to stop hangovers.

179. Thank God. What is it?

180. Don't drink so much.

181. Thank you.

182. But thank you, Sam. Truly.

183. For getting Carla and I together at last.

184. You're welcome.

185. She really is a wonderful woman, isn't she?

186. Yeah. She's alright.

187. And her children are truly wonderful, too.

188. Yeah, if you like chainsaws with feet.

189. But I understand that Gino is an extraordinarily fine young man.

190. Which one's he?

191. He's... who he is.

192. - Sam, where's my bourbon and ginger? - Coming right up.

193. You're slipping, sweetheart.

194. - You're staring at me. - Oh, was l?

195. Right through me, in fact.

196. I've got to get home to the little lady.

197. - It's my tenth wedding anniversary. - Congratulations.

198. - Big plans, huh? - The biggest.

199. We're going out for a pizza. It gets me back here about ten o'clock.

200. A whole quarter. I'm gonna name the Ferrari after you.

201. - Now look here, miss... - No, you look...

202. - My office now. - It's a whole dollar below insult.

203. - Carla, right now. - Sam.

204. It wasn't her fault. She was deliberately snubbed.

205. Diane, she's my employee.

206. This is none of your business. Stay out of it.

207. Coach, Sam just called Carla "an employee".

208. No kidding. How did Carla take it?

209. - What do you think he's gonna do? - Nothing. Bawl her out a little.

210. How dare he chastise her? She can barely scrape out a living.

211. How much suffering does she have to do?

212. She's raising four children, not to mention one of them is Sam's...

213. One of Carla's kids is Sam's kid?

214. - No. I didn't say that. - Let me figure this out, now.

215. Sam knows Carla five years, right?

216. Carla's youngest kid, Gino, is seven and a half.

217. That's it. It works out.

218. Wait a minute.

219. - Gino is seven and a half years old? - Yeah.

220. And Sam and Carla have only known each other five years?

221. Right, but who would ever figure that Gino was Sam's kid?

222. She lied.

223. She deliberately lied.

224. You mean that Gino's not Sam's kid?

225. No.

226. Holy mackerel! This is gonna break Sam's heart when he hears this.

227. I reached out to her.

228. That weasel.

229. Coach,

230. what do you do when you are so furious you have to do something?

231. Well, I know you'll think it's crazy, but I bang my head on the bar.

232. Doesn't sound crazy to me. It might do me good right now.

233. Well, OK.

234. - No, don't. Stop that, please. - You feel better?

235. Yes. Thank you.

236. - How about you? - I feel fine.

237. To me, it's kind of a picker-upper.

238. Hello. My name is Carla. I'll be your slave for the evening.

239. No, I won't do it. I won't give her the satisfaction.

240. She's just waiting for me to break her confidence.

241. She can play me for the fool, but she will not tarnish my dignity.

242. This is none of your concern.

243. Hello, my friend, my dearest confidante.

244. How's your rotten, lying little mouth?

245. Got you.

246. "One thing led to another, and then Gino was born."

247. I knew it. I knew you'd tell.

248. You had to tell somebody our secret to find out.

249. - That's beside the point. - It isn't.

250. I knew you couldn't keep it. You hold your secrets like your booze.

251. Telling me that story was reprehensible.

252. Lighten up. You wanna be my friend?

253. You wanna get along? Let your hair down.

254. How about I take your hair and scour the sink with it?

255. Is that a Brillo shot?

256. Only if it offends you.

257. You sound like a lady who is getting tired of her teeth.

258. I'm tired of your teeth and all the vermicelli in between.

259. In my office.

260. Be quiet!

261. I think Sammy can handle that one, huh, Coach?

262. I hate to see that kind of thing between women.

263. I know what you mean, Coach. Women fighting is very unladylike.

264. Unless, of course, they're wallowing around in mudpits.

265. Now, somebody, please, tell me what's going on.

266. Last night, out of the goodness of my heart,

267. I reached out to this little twerp.

268. And she deliberately duped me into believing

269. that you were the father of one of her children.

270. - Me? - Yes. She referred to it as a joke.

271. Snicker, snicker.

272. I told her we fooled around once and Gino was the result.

273. Gino?

274. You told her that you and...?

275. You thought that she and l...?

276. Gino?

277. Your Gino?

278. You should have seen her face. Her chin was in her lap.

279. Of course, laugh at the fool. Laugh at my expense.

280. - Show her a picture of Gino. - Yeah, OK.

281. You think he's funny-looking. You wanna see what makes Gino laugh?

282. - His real dad. - Let me see.

283. Look, Whitey, I'm sorry.

284. I know I can be a real pain sometimes.

285. And I know that I take things a little too seriously at times.

286. I guess I need to be reminded of that.

287. Well, I'll always be there for you.

288. Listen, I want you two to shake hands.

289. You're alright.

290. Maybe we can go to a movie one night.

291. Fine. When?

292. I'll get back to you.

293. I'm proud of you, I really am, for holding your own with Carla.

294. - Thank you. - You're welcome.

295. Sam, could I ask a little off-the-cuff question?

296. Sure.

297. Who took me home last night? You or Carla?

298. You don't remember?

299. No.

300. We both did.

301. Who put my pyjamas on?

302. - Carla did. - You'd already left by that time?

303. No. I was still there.

304. You mean watching?

305. No. I was in the other room, minding my own business.

306. On my good behaviour.

307. Trying on your lingerie.