1. Yes, I'll tell him.Copy !req
2. Sam, I just had a conversation
with your date tonight.Copy !req
3. Bambi.Copy !req
4. She said she can't make it.
She's had an accident.Copy !req
5. You're kidding. What happened?Copy !req
6. She fell off her shoes.Copy !req
7. Gee, that's tough.Copy !req
8. That leaves me only two hours
to find another date.Copy !req
9. - Those are the breaks.
- Not to worry.Copy !req
10. The book!Copy !req
11. Cliff, I swear,
it just gave off a beam of light.Copy !req
12. - A little black book?
- Yeah.Copy !req
13. Didn't those go out with getting
a girl drunk and seducing her?Copy !req
14. That's out now?Copy !req
15. Let me see.Copy !req
16. Christie Leveroni.Copy !req
17. Christie Leveroni, come on down!Copy !req
18. Come on, Sam, let me dial this one.Copy !req
19. It's been a long time since I've run
my fingers over a girl's digits.Copy !req
20. Norman.Copy !req
21. You know, I haven't seen Christie
since Woodstock.Copy !req
22. - You were at Woodstock?
- A friend told me to go there.Copy !req
23. Said it was a great place
to pick up chicks.Copy !req
24. I should have known
you weren't there for the music.Copy !req
25. There was music at Woodstock?Copy !req
26. Sammy, it's ringing.Copy !req
27. Hello. Is Christie there?Copy !req
28. She entered a convent?Copy !req
29. Boys, it looks like
your idol has fallen.Copy !req
30. So what's the number over there?Copy !req
31. - Hi, Coach.
- Hi, Diane.Copy !req
32. Hey, Coach.Copy !req
33. Sam. Look at me.Copy !req
34. - Do I look OK to you?
- Yeah, why?Copy !req
35. I just went
to renew my driver's licence.Copy !req
36. They asked me
to donate my kidneys.Copy !req
37. No, don't take that personal, Coach.
They ask everybody.Copy !req
38. Those highway robbers.
It used to be a lousy two bucks.Copy !req
39. - Carla's late again.
- Yeah, I know. I wonder why.Copy !req
40. Sam, you know why.Copy !req
41. Why aren't any of us saying anything
about Carla's problem?Copy !req
42. I don't think we should be
the ones to bring this up.Copy !req
43. You know Carla, she's proud.Copy !req
44. Maybe she just wants to keep
this one under her hat, that's all.Copy !req
45. Maybe it's not even
what we think it is.Copy !req
46. - Coach, what else could it be?
- Gas?Copy !req
47. - Hi, everyone.
- Hi, Carla.Copy !req
48. - I got to go change.
- OK.Copy !req
49. What are we all so afraid of?Copy !req
50. We've known for well over a month
that Carla's...Copy !req
51. Let me be the first to say it aloud.
Carla is pregnant.Copy !req
52. That's it, Sam, it's out.Copy !req
53. Sam, she is all alone in the world.
She needs some support.Copy !req
54. She's probably waiting
for us to reach out.Copy !req
55. - You people call yourselves friends.
- Why don't you talk to her?Copy !req
56. Well, I would, but Carla's
never actually called me a friend,Copy !req
57. unless "doofus"
is a term of endearment.Copy !req
58. No, don't look at me.
Vera and I don't have any kids.Copy !req
59. I don't know anything
about the subject.Copy !req
60. How come you and Vera
never had any kids?Copy !req
61. - I can't, Coach.
- Gee, I'm sorry, Norm.Copy !req
62. I look at Vera... I just can't.Copy !req
63. - So how's it going, guys?
- Hi, Carla.Copy !req
64. This is...Copy !req
65. Look, Carla,
we just want you to know that...Copy !req
66. Well, if there's anything
you ever need, just ask us, OK?Copy !req
67. Well, since you
brought it up, Sam.Copy !req
68. Yeah, what?Copy !req
69. I'm going to need a couple
of hours off at the end of April.Copy !req
70. If you don't want to talk about it...Copy !req
71. No, it's OK. I told the father
about it yesterday.Copy !req
72. He's been out of town.
I just wanted to tell him first.Copy !req
73. Tell the rest of them.
I mean, they're dying to hear.Copy !req
74. - I'll go talk to them.
- Alright.Copy !req
75. What was I saying?
The weather is really...Copy !req
76. It's always just...
sort of beautiful.Copy !req
77. Everyone?Copy !req
78. - I'm pregnant.
- What?Copy !req
79. No! You're pregnant? Carla.
Well, why didn't you say anything?Copy !req
80. I've got a lot on my mind.
I can't remember everything.Copy !req
81. Sure. Busy girl.Copy !req
82. Congratulations.
Unless you don't want another kid.Copy !req
83. - Of course she wanted the kid.
- Sure I do.Copy !req
84. What penniless, unmarried
mother of four wouldn't?Copy !req
85. See what I mean?Copy !req
86. Don't worry about that. I'll give you
a little bump-up in pay.Copy !req
87. - Thanks, Sam.
- That's great.Copy !req
88. Carla gets a raise
for getting pregnant.Copy !req
89. I wonder what I have to do
to get a raise out of the boss.Copy !req
90. You could get a raise
out of the boss.Copy !req
91. So who's the father?
We want to know.Copy !req
92. You're about to see for yourselves.
He's coming in.Copy !req
93. I really got lucky this time, boy.Copy !req
94. He's a nice, responsible guy,
and he is going to support this kid.Copy !req
95. That's great.
You going to get married?Copy !req
96. Well, you know, actually
we probably would, Sam,Copy !req
97. except it goes against
my most cherished belief.Copy !req
98. Men are toe jam.Copy !req
99. Who is this guy?Copy !req
100. Marshall.Copy !req
101. - Marshall?
- Carla made love to a PhD from MlT?Copy !req
102. Look, guys, if you can't say it
in front of me, don't say it at all.Copy !req
103. No, Coach.Copy !req
104. Coach, Marshall is the father
of Carla's child.Copy !req
105. Marshall? I don't believe it,
and I believe everything.Copy !req
106. - How are you feeling, little mommy?
- I'll make a deal with you.Copy !req
107. You don't call me "little mommy",Copy !req
108. and I don't put your tongue
in the blender.Copy !req
109. - Come down and sit down here.
- Come on, Marshall.Copy !req
110. - Way to go.
- I'm so happy for you both.Copy !req
111. - Congratulations, Marshall.
- Congratulations, Dad.Copy !req
112. Why don't you have a seat,
little... Carla?Copy !req
113. Thank you.Copy !req
114. We have something to celebrate.
A little champagne.Copy !req
115. - A toast!
- Serve it up, boys.Copy !req
116. I'll get the glasses.Copy !req
117. By the way,
I recommend the Lamaze method.Copy !req
118. I've read about that
and it sounds wonderful.Copy !req
119. No, forget it.
I got my own method.Copy !req
120. Knock me out and wake me
when it's potty-trained.Copy !req
121. Let's make a toast.
Somebody make a toast.Copy !req
122. - Diane, make the toast.
- Alright.Copy !req
123. To the baby.Copy !req
124. With Marshall as the father,
it's sure to have brains.Copy !req
125. With Carla as the mother,
it's sure to have need for them.Copy !req
126. I'm kidding. What I mean is,Copy !req
127. to the baby and its luck
at having such wonderful parents.Copy !req
128. Hear, hear.Copy !req
129. What, what?Copy !req
130. I think I'd better just lie down
for a minute, alright?Copy !req
131. Would you all excuse me?
I'll be right back.Copy !req
132. I didn't even know
you and Carla were dating.Copy !req
133. Actually, Coach,
we just dated the one time.Copy !req
134. One time?Copy !req
135. Just once?Copy !req
136. It's a funny thing, too,Copy !req
137. because Carla wouldn't
give me a second look before that.Copy !req
138. Or since.Copy !req
139. But she sure was ready, willing
and able that night.Copy !req
140. She was a woman possessed.Copy !req
141. So the whole thing was her idea?Copy !req
142. Yes, I think you could say that.Copy !req
143. Not that I didn't enjoy myself,Copy !req
144. but I had no idea
this would be the result.Copy !req
145. I was so surprised
when she told me about it yesterday.Copy !req
146. Would you excuse me, Marshall?
I think I need to talk to Carla.Copy !req
147. - You clever girl, you.
- What?Copy !req
148. I know what you're up to,
you sly boots.Copy !req
149. Got to hand it to you, pretty smart.Copy !req
150. - I don't know what you mean.
- Yes, you do.Copy !req
151. Marshall's not the father
of that child.Copy !req
152. Maybe he is and maybe he isn't.Copy !req
153. Come on, Carla. You can tell me.Copy !req
154. I'm proud of you.
This shows real initiative.Copy !req
155. Well, since you already guessed,
you're right, he's not the father.Copy !req
156. I lied so he'd support it.Copy !req
157. What a great, great plan.Copy !req
158. Yeah, well, I hate
to sing my own praises.Copy !req
159. Well, don't sing your own praises.Copy !req
160. Why don't you hum
a few bars of this tune?Copy !req
161. Carla, how could you?Copy !req
162. Why don't you sit down
and let me talk for a change?Copy !req
163. Fine.Copy !req
164. I'd had a really rotten day.Copy !req
165. I got stiffed twice.Copy !req
166. Sam bawled me out for something.
You were here.Copy !req
167. I got soaked on the way home.Copy !req
168. By the time I got the kids
locked in their rooms,Copy !req
169. I had really had it.Copy !req
170. So I sat down at the kitchen table,
a bottle of Chianti.Copy !req
171. I just started thinking
about how rotten my whole life was...Copy !req
172. when I saw his face
through the fog in the door window.Copy !req
173. - Who?
- Nick, my ex-husband.Copy !req
174. Besides everything else,
it was our anniversary.Copy !req
175. I see.Copy !req
176. But I was so down, I figured we could
just talk for a while, you know?Copy !req
177. So we were drinkingCopy !req
178. and remembering
the couple of good times we had.Copy !req
179. It was the first laugh
I had all day.Copy !req
180. He was wearing
his black fishnet T-shirt.Copy !req
181. I could see his panther tattoo
through the little holes.Copy !req
182. No woman could resist.Copy !req
183. With the rain and everything
and the wine,Copy !req
184. I just got carried away.Copy !req
185. Carla, this is the man
you once referred to as "seepage".Copy !req
186. Sure, Nick's disgusting,Copy !req
187. but he knows this spot
on your earlobe.Copy !req
188. One nibble and you are
a heaving mound of flesh.Copy !req
189. I find that very hard to believe.Copy !req
190. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
191. - Well, let me just show you.
- Carla, don't be ridiculous.Copy !req
192. Carla.Copy !req
193. Cliff, no, this isn't
what you think it is.Copy !req
194. No, it's OK.
I'm an '80s kind of a guy.Copy !req
195. - Seen all the right movies.
- Yes. Well, no.Copy !req
196. Cliff, you see, Carla and ICopy !req
197. were testing a fascinating
scientific hypothesis.Copy !req
198. Scientific.Copy !req
199. I like science.Copy !req
200. Step right this way.
Carla, show him.Copy !req
201. - Unbelievable.
- I didn't feel anything.Copy !req
202. Well, sometimes
there's a delayed reaction.Copy !req
203. - Maybe if both of you jumped on...
- Take a walk.Copy !req
204. Listen, if you need a trois
for that ménage, I'll be in the bar.Copy !req
205. Alright, let me see if
I have the decadence straight.Copy !req
206. When you discovered
you were pregnant,Copy !req
207. you purposely seduced MarshallCopy !req
208. because you assumed
that your husbandCopy !req
209. would not assume responsibility
for the child.Copy !req
210. - Exactly.
- Depraved.Copy !req
211. Now, look here, Whitey.Copy !req
212. You know, you can talk,
but I got four kids,Copy !req
213. and I've been raising them alone
and it's been damned hard.Copy !req
214. I can't take it any more.Copy !req
215. Somebody is going to help me
ease my load a little bit this time,Copy !req
216. and I don't care
what I have to do to get it.Copy !req
217. Carla, it's wrong.Copy !req
218. I don't care.
And I don't care what you think.Copy !req
219. - What did you guys do to Cliff?
- What's the matter?Copy !req
220. We just had to pull him
off the wooden lndian.Copy !req
221. - Cliff.
- Yes?Copy !req
222. Yeah, Cliff. Sip. Beer. Sip, Cliff.Copy !req
223. Carla, do you know the story
of The Tell-Tale Heart?Copy !req
224. - Take a leap, Whitey.
- I'm going to tell it to you.Copy !req
225. A young man killed an old man.Copy !req
226. While carrying out the crime,Copy !req
227. he could hear his victim's
heart beating in fright. Ba-boom.Copy !req
228. He was very glad
when the man was deadCopy !req
229. and the awful sound stopped.Copy !req
230. Then he dismembered his victim
and buried him under the floorboards.Copy !req
231. Soon, he could hear a sound
coming up from the floor.Copy !req
232. Till he couldn't stand it any more.
Surely everyone heard it.Copy !req
233. Eventually,
guilt drove him totally insane.Copy !req
234. You can never escape
your conscience.Copy !req
235. OK! Tom, I've been cheating on you.Copy !req
236. You are a wonderful man
and I don't deserve you.Copy !req
237. - I'm sorry.
- Wait, darling.Copy !req
238. - Is this having any effect on you?
- None at all.Copy !req
239. Maybe you need bigger ba-booms.Copy !req
240. Diane, would you just
leave me alone?Copy !req
241. Carla, don't get upset.
Sit down with me.Copy !req
242. Thanks. So, how's it going, Dad?Copy !req
243. Great, I think I'm approaching
a state of euphoria.Copy !req
244. - Coach, could I have that beer?
- Absolutely, Marshall.Copy !req
245. Carla, what do you think
we should name the child?Copy !req
246. We got time for names, Marshall.Copy !req
247. The biggest argument
I ever had with my wifeCopy !req
248. was over naming our daughter.Copy !req
249. She kept insisting on Lisa.Copy !req
250. I wanted to stick
with the original name.Copy !req
251. - What was that, Coach?
- Baby Girl Pantusso.Copy !req
252. You know, Carla,
I've been thinking.Copy !req
253. Tomorrow, I'm going
to go to my lawyer,Copy !req
254. and have a new will drawn upCopy !req
255. and all of your children will
be named as my beneficiaries.Copy !req
256. Gee, Marshall,
I never expected that.Copy !req
257. That's about the sweetest thing
anybody's ever done...Copy !req
258. Diane, would you just cut it out
with the stupid "ba-booms"?Copy !req
259. Carla, Diane's in the back room.Copy !req
260. Come on, we got to talk.Copy !req
261. You win. I'm going
to tell him the truth.Copy !req
262. Will somebody please tell me
what's going on here?Copy !req
263. - She's going to tell him the truth.
- The truth about what?Copy !req
264. Sam, it's terrible. She lied.
The real father is her ex-husband.Copy !req
265. I don't believe this.
I mean, I know the guy.Copy !req
266. Her ex-husband is an insensitive,
macho pig with one thing on his mind.Copy !req
267. - Some women are attracted to that.
- Name one.Copy !req
268. Arlene Abrams.Copy !req
269. Angela Adams.Copy !req
270. - I'm going home.
- No, listen. Wait a minute.Copy !req
271. I'm going to talk to you first.Copy !req
272. Sit down. Now, look.Copy !req
273. Diane told me what's going on
and I just have to say something.Copy !req
274. Marshall, you and Carla have a chance
for some great happiness here.Copy !req
275. I don't think
you should throw it away.Copy !req
276. - Sam, you don't...
- Come on, let me say this.Copy !req
277. - Look at me, Marshall.
- Look at you?Copy !req
278. Yeah. Now, a lot of people
think that I've got a great life.Copy !req
279. But you have a... You can have
something that I don't have.Copy !req
280. You can have the love
and the warmth of a family.Copy !req
281. You know, if you don't marry Carla,
some lucky guy's going to.Copy !req
282. As a matter of fact, if you
don't marry Carla, I'm going to.Copy !req
283. I'm not going to marry her.Copy !req
284. - I got the veil in my locker.
- You understand that what...Copy !req
285. Get out of here. You're all toe jam.Copy !req
286. You know,
I just feel terrible about this.Copy !req
287. I guess she really did
want some help with this child.Copy !req
288. Yeah, she's barely getting by
just the way it is.Copy !req
289. Carla's probably never felt lonelier
than she does at this moment.Copy !req
290. Got any more of those
little yellow goldfish crackers?Copy !req
291. We don't have any crackers
that look like goldfish.Copy !req
292. What did I just eat?Copy !req
293. I wish I had the money so I could
take care of the kid myself.Copy !req
294. Me, too, Sam.Copy !req
295. Wait, I've got a wonderful idea.
We are always taking up collectionsCopy !req
296. for little league teams
and to give gifts to orphans.Copy !req
297. We are now going to take up
a collection to help Carla.Copy !req
298. I think Cheers
should adopt this child.Copy !req
299. You know,
that's not such a stupid idea.Copy !req
300. We could all take turns
doing things with the kid.Copy !req
301. - Right.
- I could teach him how to pitch.Copy !req
302. I could teach him how to hit
your pitches out of the ballpark.Copy !req
303. I'll do the kid's taxes.Copy !req
304. Coach, come here.Copy !req
305. Listen, everybody.
This is for Carla's kid.Copy !req
306. It's going to be our kid.Copy !req
307. I can teach it
how to slide into second base.Copy !req
308. You can't. Remember your back.Copy !req
309. - I can teach him how to swim.
- You're afraid of the water.Copy !req
310. Well, I can teach him
how to tie a Windsor knot.Copy !req
311. Why do you think you wear clip-ons?Copy !req
312. Well, I can just sit there.Copy !req
313. I'm going home.Copy !req
314. Carla, before you do,
we want you to take this from us.Copy !req
315. It's to help out with the kid.Copy !req
316. We'd kind of like it
to be our kid, too.Copy !req
317. When you walk through a stormCopy !req
318. Hold your head up highCopy !req
319. And don't be afraid of the darkCopy !req
320. Everybody, come on.Copy !req
321. At the end of a storm
is a golden lightCopy !req
322. And the sweet silver song of a larkCopy !req
323. Walk on through the windCopy !req
324. Walk on through the rainCopy !req
325. Though your dreams
be tossed and blownCopy !req
326. Walk on, walk onCopy !req
327. With hope in your heartCopy !req
328. And you'll never walk aloneCopy !req
329. You'll never walk aloneCopy !req