Chappelle's Show 2x9

Directed by

Dave thinks Oprah is pregant with his child. Dave also goes into his experience as a member of the O.J. Simpson trial jury. Also featuring musical guest Wyclef.

Request examples:

!req Chappelle's Show 2x9 [02:32]
!req Chappelle's Show 2x9 [Chappelle's Show 2x9]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Chappelle's Show 2x9 [10-11]; !req Chappelle's Show 2x9 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Dave Chappelle!

2. What's up!

3. Oh, man.

4. What's poppin', y'all?

5. I don't know if you guys know this,

6. but my favorite TV show is comin' back on the air.

7. It's called Making the Band.

8. Whoo, it's a beast!

9. Puff Daddy takes five people

10. and puts 'em in a house together

11. and makes 'em cut a record for Bad Boy.

12. They argue, they fight. Oh, the fights!

13. The drama!

14. If you haven't seen the first season,

15. you don't know what I'm talkin' about.

16. Here's the highlights from the first season.

17. Congratulations.

18. Y'all made it inside the house.

19. You did good.

20. Alright, this is what's up,

21. you can live here, you can record here.

22. you can be Bad Boy artists here,

23. but if you wanna do it,

24. first y'all gotta walk to Queens and get me a sugar cookie.

25. A sugar cookie? Man, this is crazy.

26. We got it. Come on, man.

27. Bad Boy.

28. A sugar cookie, man.

29. Look, this is not what I got in the music business to be doing,

30. to be a sugar cookie-getter.

31. You know, I'm a rapper.

32. Who are the five best rappers of all time?

33. Think about it.

34. Dylan, Dylan,

35. Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan,

36. because I spit hot fire.

37. That's a good-ass sugar cookie.

38. You guys are official now. Welcome to Bad Boy.

39. It's Bad Boy, baby.

40. Can't stop. Won't stop.

41. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

42. I'm sending y'all to the studio.

43. I want you to turn Daddy out a hit,

44. but I need you to be a family unit

45. and love each other, or this will never work.

46. That's right, man, that's right.

47. Go out there and get Daddy a hit.

48. I'm gonna take a nap.

49. What'd you do?

50. Let 'em fight! Let 'em fight!

51. Let them fight!

52. I'm shuttin' the studio down.

53. The only way I could keep the studio open

54. is if y'all go out

55. and walk through Northern New Jersey,

56. get me a set of left-handed golf clubs.

57. I also need you to take a picture with a midget

58. holdin' these balloons.

59. Take a picture with a midget

60. holdin' these balloons... Holdin' these balloons.

61. You did it.

62. You went out, you found my man...

63. You found a midget, man,

64. and you got the pictures, you got the golf clubs.

65. Here's the keys to the studio.

66. Now, if y'all excuse me,

67. I'm going scuba diving with Chris Tucker and Aquaman.

68. You be cool.

69. Giddy-up.

70. Oh, my God!

71. What's happening?

72. We're supposed to be a family.

73. What are you doing?

74. Not like this, man!

75. Y'all not workin' like a team.

76. I gotta shut the studio down, yo.

77. Alright, the only way I'll open the studio up now,

78. y'all gotta walk Uptown to the Bronx

79. and get breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.

80. I only drink the finest breast milks.

81. Go out there and milk a Cambodian.

82. It's 100% Cambodian, yo.

83. It's the real shit.

84. Not only am I gonna open the studio up,

85. I'm sendin' you in there with a legend.

86. That's right, Wyclef, playboy.

87. No disrespect, I wanted to work with Wyclef

88. more than I wanted to work with Puff.

89. Yo, Dylan, you ready to get it started, baby?

90. You... You tryin' to get some of this hot fire?

91. We can either make this song or not make this song.

92. You're too close, man! You're too close, man!

93. Hey, y'all gonna choke a legend?

94. You don't think I want to choke people?

95. You can't just choke all your problems.

96. This takes hard work.

97. If I had my way, I'd never work.

98. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times,

99. eat a turkey sandwich,

100. and have sex all fuckin' day.

101. Then I'd dress up like a clown and surprise kids at schools.

102. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater

103. and just wait till somebody sat in it,

104. hear it squish.

105. That's funny to me.

106. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin.

107. I'd climb the mountains

108. and sing the songs that I like to sing.

109. But I don't got that kind of time.

110. Playboy? Playboy?

111. You just gonna comb your hair, Playboy?

112. Sarah, you just gonna talk up all your anytime minutes?

113. Is this anytime? huh?

114. Babs, you just gonna sit there

115. and chop onions right now, huh?

116. Good time to chop onions?

117. Look at this nigga.

118. You just gonna do your taxes, Ness?

119. You just gonna sit there and crunch numbers?

120. Huh? Is that hot?

121. Is that what's goin' on in the streets right now,

122. your taxes?

123. Alright, look.

124. I got some good news, and I got some bad news, y'all.

125. The bad news

126. is that I'm shuttin' down the studio.

127. The good news

128. is that I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance.

129. Fonzworth, bring me a sandwich!

130. He can fly, man.

131. He can fly. He believes in himself.

132. Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh.

133. We gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all.

134. Don't go nowhere.

135. We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

136. Hey, everybody, welcome back.

137. You know, folks,

138. you ever be watchin' a ball game,

139. and then these beer commercials come on,

140. and it just makes it seem like dudes go out and drink beer

141. and have the best time?

142. Let me tell you somethin' about drinkin' beer.

143. Drinkin' beer brings the animal out in somebody.

144. And I know alcohol companies sponsor my show.

145. I ain't talkin' about them, them shits are delicious.

146. I'm talkin' about the rest of 'em.

147. They go too far.

148. The ads are irresponsible.

149. Why don't they make an honest commercial

150. that shows the animal that beer brings out?

151. Like this.

152. Hey, what night is it, guys?

153. Dudes' night out!

154. Yeah!

155. Dudes, dudes, dudes.

156. I don't know what it is, you know?

157. Oh.

158. Yo, excuse me, what are you—

159. Hey, man, what do you mean,

160. don't worry about it?

161. I bought that bitch a drink!

162. I don't play that game!

163. Hey! Look out, Billy!

164. Oh! What?

165. You think this is a game, biatch?

166. This is dudes' night out!

167. Motherfucker!

168. Dudes' night out!

169. Only reason I'm cryin' is 'cause of the adrenaline.

170. Oh, no, man, no!

171. Dudes' night out!

172. Dudes' night out!

173. Hey, hey, little lady.

174. Y'all wanna party with us?

175. Oh!

176. Oh, nigga, that's a dude!

177. Shut the fuck up, Dave.

178. I am drunk,

179. and I am horny. Hey, baby.

180. Ha! you're jealous, Dave!

181. No, don't do it! No!

182. Dudes' night out!

183. Let's go.

184. Let's get out of here.

185. Yo, a mouth's a mouth, man.

186. What? - I'm out.

187. Billy, what are you doin'?

188. Billy. Billy!

189. I'm just gonna be a minute.

190. Hey, Steve! Hey, you guys!

191. Yo, Tonya... Tony... Whatever your name is.

192. Bye, Dave.

193. When it's dudes' night out,

194. it's got to be Schlipp's.

195. Hey, everybody, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

196. But don't go nowhere. We'll be right back.

197. Okay.

198. Welcome back!

199. Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

200. You know, folks,

201. I don't know about any of you guys,

202. but I'm a parent, alright?

203. There's a lot of wild things going on in the world,

204. and it's very hard to explain these things to your children.

205. That's alright,

206. 'cause tonight, I'm going to help you.

207. I have created a show that helps to explain

208. the evils of the world to youth

209. in a way that they can understand

210. and that's palatable to them,

211. and I hope you enjoy it.

212. Here it is.

213. Hey, everyone, look what I found.

214. It's... It's a dagger!

215. Wow!

216. Whoa, that's not a toy, there, Robert!

217. Bobble!

218. Hey, kids.

219. Hey, you better be careful

220. when you're handlin' those things.

221. That's not a dagger at all. It's called a syringe.

222. People use it to inject a drug called heroin

223. directly into their bloodstream.

224. Why?

225. Probably because you get higher that way

226. than sniffing it.

227. Bobble, why do people get high?

228. Oh, very good question, young lady.

229. For all kinds of reasons.

230. Some people think they need it just to get through the day,

231. and some people just like to party

232. and can quit whenever they want,

233. like me.

234. Ah!

235. Oh!

236. Kids, there are a lot of double standards

237. about drugs in this country.

238. That junk's kicking in, kids.

239. It feels like I have a million teeny, tiny kitty cats

240. rubbing my balls

241. as I skeet, skeet, skeet all over the walls!

242. Let me bring this bitch home.

243. I'm going to the emergency room.

244. Bye-bye, kids.

245. You see, kids, always throw away your trash.

246. I'm fucking dying, man!

247. - Hey!

248. It's Stinky, the grom.

249. Fuck you too.

250. What's wrong, Stinky?

251. Besides living in a trash can

252. and having a syringe lodged in my fucking head,

253. nothing, I guess.

254. Where are your parents, anyway?

255. My mommy and daddy are at work.

256. Oh, yeah?

257. Well, me, I gave up working a long time ago.

258. Don't give up, Stinky.

259. My dad says if you never give up and work hard,

260. all your dreams will come true.

261. That's the gayest shit I ever heard.

262. What?

263. That's right, I said fuck it.

264. Now, if you'll excuse me,

265. I'm gonna make me a nice feces sandwich.

266. Look, it's Dangle!

267. And, hey, you're Chris Rock!

268. It's Dave Chappelle, but close enough.

269. Where are you guys going?

270. Well, Dangle's not feeling well,

271. so I'm taking him to the doctor.

272. What's wrong, Dangle?

273. Actually, it's my penis.

274. what's that?

275. Ew!

276. When I pee-pee, it burns like hell.

277. I have what's known as a venereal disease.

278. How did you get it?

279. From fucking.

280. I got so much puppet-ass, it could be from anywhere.

281. What's the sickness called?

282. I'm not sure, Robert.

283. That's why we're going to the doctor.

284. There's a lot of different kinds of penis sicknesses out there.

285. Isn't that right, Q-Tip?

286. That's right, Dave, all kinds.

287. Oh, hello, Dave Chappelle,

288. haven't seen you for a while.

289. What's it been, two months?

290. Dirty motherfucker.

291. Oh, here come the crabs.

292. Ole!

293. This nigga's a freak.

294. See you in hell, motherfuckers.

295. Ooh, baby, I like it raw.

296. Oh, gosh.

297. - Wow, life is hard. Nah, it's not, Lisa.

298. Alright, look, if you just remember

299. to keep your genitals out of harm's way,

300. don't chase money, and refrain from littering,

301. you'll be a winner.

302. - Q-Tip, take us home!

303. Come on, kids!

304. We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

305. VD is in the house. What's up, VD?

306. We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

307. Better not bring your kids!

308. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's musical guest,

309. the voice of Dangle,

310. none other than Snoop Doggy Dogg!

311. Yeah, what up?

312. Who let this motherfucking base-head on stage?

313. Hit this motherfucker, G!

314. Nah, man, I can't do that shit.

315. what?

316. I been dealing here for five months,

317. and he ain't hit the pipe in front of me yet!

318. So what you saying?

319. I'm saying, I think you five-O.

320. Five-O?

321. Nigga, I ain't five-O.

322. Well, then, hit this motherfucker then!

323. I can feel it!

324. Have to show this nigga I ain't no motherfuckin' police.

325. I'm a take you on a ride, Tyrone.

326. Check this out, nigga.

327. On a motherfuckin' rock?

328. rock. That's how I do.

329. I can't put you on that one.

330. I'd like to thank my guest, Snoop Dogg.

331. I'd like to thank venereal diseases

332. and the kids and everybody.

333. And I'd like to thank you at home for watching.

334. I will see you next week.

335. I'm rich, biatch!

336. Hi, thank you!

337. I have what's known as a sexually transmitted disease.

338. How'd you get it?

339. From fucking.