1. Oww!Copy !req
2. (cheers and applause)
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!Copy !req
3. (cheers and applause)
Whoa!Copy !req
4. What's up?Copy !req
5. What's up on the top?Copy !req
6. Man.Copy !req
7. You know, ah...Copy !req
8. y'know what's funny, man,Copy !req
9. there's two things that start
happening to me a lot now,Copy !req
10. since I started
the second season.Copy !req
11. One, like,
when I walk down the street,Copy !req
12. people always
scream stuff out.Copy !req
13. Like, I'll be with my kids,
and people be like,Copy !req
14. "I'm Rick James, bitch."
And all this stuff.Copy !req
15. The other thing
that happens,Copy !req
16. and which I think is
the worst,Copy !req
17. is when people come up to me
and try to give me ideasCopy !req
18. for the show.Copy !req
19. Send them shits through
the proper channels, all right.Copy !req
20. Now, I'm not saying
I'm not open,Copy !req
21. just pick your spots.Copy !req
22. As a matter of fact,
if you knewCopy !req
23. what was
going through my mindCopy !req
24. when you pitch me
that kind of stuff,Copy !req
25. you wouldn't even
talk to me,Copy !req
26. because I'll think
about anythingCopy !req
27. but what you're talking about.Copy !req
28. For example...Copy !req
29. I love you, baby.Copy !req
30. Oh, I know you do.
Come here, girl,Copy !req
31. give me some.Copy !req
32. Excuse me,
I hate to
interrupt,Copy !req
33. but I just had
to say hello.Copy !req
34. Hey, man, how you doing?Copy !req
35. Is this a bad time?Copy !req
36. You kinda caught me
in the middle of something...Copy !req
37. Cool. So, I'm sure
you get this all the
time,Copy !req
38. but I have
the perfect idea for
you.Copy !req
39. It's a movie.
Is it cool if I sit
down?Copy !req
40. This'll only
take a
minute.Copy !req
41. I'm Frank Feldman.Copy !req
42. You kind of caught me
and the wife at a bad time.Copy !req
43. We were just...
It's a love story.Copy !req
44. You play
an underground
street poetCopy !req
45. named Colt 45.Copy !req
46. He's a rebel
with a big
heart.Copy !req
47. He's a loner because
his wife has been
killedCopy !req
48. by the chief financial
officer of the
company...Copy !req
49. (thinking)
Bicycle.
that she
used
to work for...Copy !req
50. Monkey.Copy !req
51. Ashy Larry.Copy !req
52. volunteer
veterinarian
on Wednesdays...Copy !req
53. I wonder what Arsenio's
doing right now.Copy !req
54. He probably
at a wine and cheese party.Copy !req
55. Damn, that's
some good-ass cheese!Copy !req
56. If you don't tell him
how good the cheese is,Copy !req
57. he'll be mad.Copy !req
58. How come you didn't tell me
how good the cheese was?Copy !req
59. Motherfucker.Copy !req
60. Some good-ass cheese, man—Copy !req
61. What are you looking at?
I was...Copy !req
62. Bob Eubanks-lookin'
motherfucker,Copy !req
63. you should've told me
how good the cheese was!Copy !req
64. I was
thinking
the villainCopy !req
65. could be played
by Rod
Stewart...Copy !req
66. Man, I should've
been a rapper.Copy !req
67. That look like fun.Copy !req
68. But I need a gimmick.Copy !req
69. so we have
this big showdownCopy !req
70. at the foot
of the space
shuttle...Copy !req
71. my company is willing
to offer you $12,000,000.Copy !req
72. (cash register ding)
$12,000,000!Copy !req
73. Frank, right?Copy !req
74. You want
something to drink?Copy !req
75. Waitress, get this nigga
something to drink.Copy !req
76. Look, Frank, I don't know
if you know this,Copy !req
77. y'know those skits
on Chappelle's Show,Copy !req
78. I write a lot of those.Copy !req
79. And I'm thinking maybe
I could give you some ideasCopy !req
80. to make Colt a more
interesting character.Copy !req
81. I would love to hear 'em.Copy !req
82. All right, well,
instead of calling him Colt
45,Copy !req
83. first of all, we've got
to change the name...Copy !req
84. (thinking)
Nascar race.Copy !req
85. Unicorns.Copy !req
86. Dirty diapers.Copy !req
87. instead of the space shuttle,Copy !req
88. we make it right on the steps
of the Lincoln Memorial.Copy !req
89. That's good.Copy !req
90. (thinking)
Wonder what my girl
thinkin' about.Copy !req
91. You know who I'd love
to have sex with...Copy !req
92. All right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break, y'all.Copy !req
93. Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.Copy !req
94. Hello.Copy !req
95. Dave, it's Oprah.Copy !req
96. Oh, hey,
what's up, girl?Copy !req
97. Look, Dave,
I'm
pregnant.Copy !req
98. Are you sure
it's mine?Copy !req
99. No, Dave,
listen, it's
yours.Copy !req
100. Got ya, bitch!
What?Copy !req
101. Just hold on one second.Copy !req
102. (Dave)
All right, look, Oprah,Copy !req
103. I'm gonna fly to Chicago
tomorrow, okay?Copy !req
104. But I'm going to need you
to send me a ticket.Copy !req
105. I'll fly you out.Copy !req
106. Oh, oh, oh, and baby,Copy !req
107. could you have
a limousine pick me upCopy !req
108. at the baggage claim
because I don't haveCopy !req
109. no cab money to get
from the airport to your house.Copy !req
110. Okay, sure thing.Copy !req
111. Thanks, boo.Copy !req
112. Oprah...
I love you, baby.Copy !req
113. I love you too,
David Chappelle.Copy !req
114. All right, I'm gonna go to work
and tell everybodyCopy !req
115. the good news tomorrow,
and I'll see you in Chicago.Copy !req
116. Bye-bye.Copy !req
117. Hey, everybody,
I got an announcement to make!Copy !req
118. Ding, ding,
ding ding, ding!Copy !req
119. I quit!Copy !req
120. Oh!Copy !req
121. Kiss my ass, everybody!Copy !req
122. Excuse me, can I have
a quick word with you?Copy !req
123. Ah, kiss my ass.Copy !req
124. Can you type a memo of that
and send it around?Copy !req
125. I quit!Copy !req
126. Dave, what's gotten into you?Copy !req
127. Oh, Sally, it's not
what's gotten into
me,Copy !req
128. it's what's
gotten intoCopy !req
129. My seed, son!Copy !req
130. I'm rich, bitch!Copy !req
131. Hey, hey, you know
I never approved this.Copy !req
132. Nobody ever
listens to me around here.Copy !req
133. I'm not dangerous!Copy !req
134. At least
I wasn't dangerous.Copy !req
135. Aah!Copy !req
136. Morgan?Copy !req
137. Guys, I almost forgot...Copy !req
138. remember your spirit.Copy !req
139. Oh, it sprayed.Copy !req
140. I'll see you in Chicago.Copy !req
141. Bye, baby,
have a good day at
work.Copy !req
142. Try to stay off
your feet, boo.Copy !req
143. Yeah, that feels...
oh, that...
(Oprah)
Hello.Copy !req
144. Hey, baby,
how was the show?Copy !req
145. Not bad.Copy !req
146. Oh, this is Chung Lee.Copy !req
147. Chung Lee, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.Copy !req
148. Baby, hey, baby, you mind
if I get a happy ending?Copy !req
149. She didn't say no.Copy !req
150. All right, I'm ready.Copy !req
151. (Oprah)
I'm home.Copy !req
152. Hey, baby.Copy !req
153. It's Bruce Lee's brother.Copy !req
154. Hello,
I love your show.Copy !req
155. $7,000 an hour.Copy !req
156. Sounds expensive,
but I thinkCopy !req
157. the safety of you and our
baby
are priceless, all right?Copy !req
158. Check this out.Copy !req
159. Get away from Oprah!Copy !req
160. (Oprah)
Hello.Copy !req
161. Hey, baby,
how was the show?Copy !req
162. Oh, oh,
this is
Felicia.Copy !req
163. Felicia, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.Copy !req
164. Mm-wah!Copy !req
165. Be out
in a
minute,
sweetie.Copy !req
166. I'm just
painting,
finishing up.Copy !req
167. Let me fill this
out
a little bit over
here...Copy !req
168. (Oprah)
David.
Oh, snap!Copy !req
169. Hey, everybody, it's the lady
that made it all possible.Copy !req
170. Give it up
for my baby's momma,Copy !req
171. Oprah motherfucking Winfrey.Copy !req
172. What's happening, baby?
How was the show?Copy !req
173. Why don't you go ahead
and run the bathwater,Copy !req
174. and I'll come and put
some salt in a minute.Copy !req
175. I know your feet
probably hurting.Copy !req
176. All right,
now,
all right.Copy !req
177. Hey, Steve, you mind
pushing the button?Copy !req
178. I'm gonna take
it
from the top.Copy !req
179. Hello?
You again.Copy !req
180. Look, Stedman, you gonna have
to move on, alright?Copy !req
181. No, fuck that,
I don't care what y'all had.Copy !req
182. She's having my baby, okay?Copy !req
183. So you leave this family alone.Copy !req
184. I love her!Copy !req
185. Fine, whatever, bitch.Copy !req
186. (Oprah)
Dave, honey,
who was that on the phone?Copy !req
187. Baby, it's nobody.Copy !req
188. It was for me.Copy !req
189. Just go back in the bath.Copy !req
190. Stedman Graham,
if you fuck this up for me...Copy !req
191. There you go!
Yes, yeah!Copy !req
192. You did it, boo, you...Copy !req
193. What the fuck!Copy !req
194. Nigga looks
just like Dr. Phil!Copy !req
195. Women are smart—Copy !req
196. men are stupid.Copy !req
197. Oh, shit!Copy !req
198. Oprah, what about
our dreams, huh?Copy !req
199. Sorry, Dave.Copy !req
200. What am I gonna do now?
I quit my job.Copy !req
201. Shit!Copy !req
202. Stedman...Copy !req
203. we gonna get this bitch.Copy !req
204. (echoing)
Oprah!Copy !req
205. Uh...Copy !req
206. you know,
me and my co-writer,Copy !req
207. producer/creatorCopy !req
208. friend of mine, Neal Brennan,Copy !req
209. we always have
this on-going discussion.Copy !req
210. Every time there's
a black celebrity in trouble,Copy !req
211. Neal doesn't believe
that I never think he's guilty,Copy !req
212. and the reason he thinks thatCopy !req
213. is because I never think
they're guilty.Copy !req
214. It's just how I roll, man.Copy !req
215. To me, it's all about
reasonable doubt.Copy !req
216. What's reasonable doubt
to a white person, you know,Copy !req
217. might not be a reasonable doubt
to a black person.Copy !req
218. If they had me on jury selectionCopy !req
219. at some of
these celebrity trials,Copy !req
220. it'd be a long day,
a long day.Copy !req
221. (man)
Ah, Mr. Chappelle?
Yes.Copy !req
222. Are you aware that
Mr. Simpson is going to beCopy !req
223. on trial
for a double homicide?Copy !req
224. Yeah, I heard about it.Copy !req
225. It's all bullshit, man.Copy !req
226. O.J. Ain't gonna
kill
nobody, he's rich.Copy !req
227. But Mr. Chappelle,
what if I told youCopy !req
228. that we had DNA evidenceCopy !req
229. linking Mr. Simpson
to the scene of the crime?Copy !req
230. Then I'd have to ask
you
where you found it.Copy !req
231. In his bedroom,
at the crime scene,Copy !req
232. and in his car.Copy !req
233. In the car?
Right in his car.Copy !req
234. Damn.Copy !req
235. And in the bedroom too?Copy !req
236. In the bedroom.Copy !req
237. Damn.Copy !req
238. I... damn.Copy !req
239. Then I'd probably just ask
you,
"how'd they find it?"Copy !req
240. The police found
a bloody gloveCopy !req
241. on O.J.'s property.Copy !req
242. Sir, I'm not
impressed,
all right.Copy !req
243. Who... what black man
don't
have some bloody glovesCopy !req
244. on his property?Copy !req
245. Nigga,
I got one right
here.Copy !req
246. That don't mean
I did anything.Copy !req
247. Sir, if somebody
murdered your family,Copy !req
248. and the police found
a bloody gloveCopy !req
249. on O.J.'s property,Copy !req
250. and a witness heard
strange bangingsCopy !req
251. minutes
after the murders...Copy !req
252. I'd have to be
real confusedCopy !req
253. because nobody in my
family
beef with O.J. like that.Copy !req
254. And we would've killed O.J.Copy !req
255. after the first time
he beat my sister up.Copy !req
256. We would've
whupped his ass.Copy !req
257. We would've made real
orange juice out of that
nigga.Copy !req
258. So, you ain't gonna
find no bloody
gloves.Copy !req
259. If anything happened,
you can quote me, sir,Copy !req
260. they would find
some bloody glovesCopy !req
261. at our house.Copy !req
262. But this was before...Copy !req
263. O.J. would be dead,
nigga, and that's
real.Copy !req
264. Detective Mark Fuhrman was
one of the lead detectives—Copy !req
265. Fuhrman?
—on the case and—Copy !req
266. Fuhrman? He's a
racist,
it's a racist name.Copy !req
267. Fuhrman. You're sayin',
what is he a furor,
German?Copy !req
268. Fuhrman, German.Copy !req
269. Sound a little
familiar to
you?Copy !req
270. I'm sorry, sir,
but he probably
says
"nigger" a lot,Copy !req
271. with a name like that.Copy !req
272. I can't comment.Copy !req
273. I bet you can't.Copy !req
274. But as a person
that says "nigger" a
lot,Copy !req
275. trust me.Copy !req
276. That nigga says
"nigger"
all the time.Copy !req
277. Mr. Chappelle,
are you suggesting that,Copy !req
278. because one of the detectives
is a possible racist,Copy !req
279. and because
there may have beenCopy !req
280. some minor oversights
in the investigation,Copy !req
281. that it completely lets
O.J. off the hook?Copy !req
282. Exactamundo!
The defense rests,
sir.Copy !req
283. Mr. Chappelle—Copy !req
284. No further questions!Copy !req
285. Will you at least admit
that O.J. more than likelyCopy !req
286. killed his wife?Copy !req
287. Sir, my blackness
will not permit meCopy !req
288. to make a statement
like that.Copy !req
289. You're dismissed.Copy !req
290. Are you aware
of the chargesCopy !req
291. that Michael Jackson is
currently facing?Copy !req
292. Yes, sir.Copy !req
293. Ah, and for the record,Copy !req
294. these charges
hurt me the most.Copy !req
295. So he's guilty.Copy !req
296. Look, man, look,
Michael JacksonCopy !req
297. has many faces,Copy !req
298. none of 'em
look
guilty to me.Copy !req
299. You gotta look in the
eyes,
not the noses.Copy !req
300. He's been accused of this
more than once.Copy !req
301. So, some people say that
cucumbers taste better pickled.Copy !req
302. What?
Huh?Copy !req
303. What?
Huh?Copy !req
304. What if I told you
that the accusersCopy !req
305. correctly described
Michael's penisCopy !req
306. to investigators?Copy !req
307. Sir, I have never seen
Michael's alleged penis,Copy !req
308. but I bet you that
I could describe it.Copy !req
309. All right, let me guess.Copy !req
310. There's a head,
a shaft, some balls,Copy !req
311. hair, maybe pressed,
permed hair,Copy !req
312. with glitter
sprinkled on it.Copy !req
313. That is correct.Copy !req
314. Whoa, how'd I know?Copy !req
315. Come on, dude,
I couldn't pick my own penisCopy !req
316. out of a lineup,
all right?Copy !req
317. And me and my penis is
like this, son.Copy !req
318. What about Michael saying
it's okay to haveCopy !req
319. children sleep with him?Copy !req
320. That don't mean anything.Copy !req
321. I'm sure there's plenty of
kids
that sleep in the bedCopy !req
322. with their adults all the
time,
and nothing happens.Copy !req
323. So you do you think
Michael JacksonCopy !req
324. is guilty of the charges
against him?Copy !req
325. No, man.Copy !req
326. He made "Thriller."Copy !req
327. "Thriller."Copy !req
328. So you'd let your children
sleep with him.Copy !req
329. Fuck no!Copy !req
330. Eww.Copy !req
331. Are you aware
that Robert BlakeCopy !req
332. is facing
a charge of murder?Copy !req
333. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
334. Baretta did that shit.Copy !req
335. Mr. Chappelle,
are you awareCopy !req
336. that Robert Kelly
is being chargedCopy !req
337. with child pornography?Copy !req
338. Yes, I've heard
of such things.Copy !req
339. You've seen
the video tapes?Copy !req
340. Have I seen it!
Like, 80 times.Copy !req
341. You know the part
where he's waiting for
herCopy !req
342. to come over,
and he's looking
in the cameraCopy !req
343. like...
(soft grunts)Copy !req
344. So, you think that it was
Robert Kelly on the tape?Copy !req
345. Well, I'd have
to say it was.Copy !req
346. So, then,
you believeCopy !req
347. he urinated
on a 15-year-old girl.Copy !req
348. Whoa, hold on,
lady!
I didn't say all
that.Copy !req
349. You know, with these tapes,
they can do a lot of things.Copy !req
350. For all I know,
that piss was
digital.Copy !req
351. They— They get crazy
with special effects.Copy !req
352. Look, look,
check this
out.Copy !req
353. I didn't even
just do that.Copy !req
354. Did I do that?Copy !req
355. That piss was digital.Copy !req
356. They'll do crazy stuff
with special effects.Copy !req
357. What about the girl
corroborating the story?Copy !req
358. So what?Copy !req
359. How much money does
this girl stand to makeCopy !req
360. by "corroborating"
this story?Copy !req
361. I tell you what,
you give me that kind of money,Copy !req
362. R. Kelly can fart
in my dinner tonight.Copy !req
363. Spray-fart.Copy !req
364. So, besides the tapeCopy !req
365. and the girl corroborating
the allegations,Copy !req
366. what more would it take for
you
to believe he's guilty?Copy !req
367. All right, if I saw
a tape of R. KellyCopy !req
368. peeing on a girl
while he was
singingCopy !req
369. "Piss On You"...Copy !req
370. and the girl was holding
two forms of government
ID...Copy !req
371. while a
police
officer
was there,Copy !req
372. like, four or
five
of my buddiesCopy !req
373. and Neal taking notes...Copy !req
374. Well...
I'm not finished.Copy !req
375. And his grandmother
has to be thereCopy !req
376. to confirm
his
identity.Copy !req
377. That's my Robert,
always peeing on
people.Copy !req
378. Don't forget
her hair,
Robert.Copy !req
379. Yes, grandmother.Copy !req
380. Mr. Chappelle,
isn't that excessive?Copy !req
381. No, no,
it's not
excessive.Copy !req
382. Listen, lady, the burden
of proof is on the state,Copy !req
383. on the state!Copy !req
384. You have got
to prove to me,Copy !req
385. beyond a reasonable doubt,Copy !req
386. whether or not
this man is a pisser.Copy !req
387. Aren't your doubts
unreasonable?Copy !req
388. No, it's not unreasonable.Copy !req
389. Look, we're talking
about a justice systemCopy !req
390. that had 500 people
whose cases were overturnedCopy !req
391. by DNA evidence.Copy !req
392. I've seen a tape where
five cops beat up a
nigga,Copy !req
393. and they said that
they had reasonable
doubt.Copy !req
394. I got my doubts
too,
all right?Copy !req
395. How come they didn't find
Big and Tupac's murderersCopy !req
396. but they arrest
O.J.
the next day?Copy !req
397. Nicole Simpson can't rap.Copy !req
398. I want justice!Copy !req
399. You are all...Copy !req
400. this whole goddamn court
is
out of order, everybody.Copy !req
401. Mr. Chappelle,
you're dismissed.Copy !req
402. And that's from the heart.Copy !req
403. We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.Copy !req
404. We'll be right back.Copy !req
405. Welcome back,
everybody.Copy !req
406. Tonight's musical guest is
one of my favorite MCs, man,Copy !req
407. and part of
one of my favorite groups.Copy !req
408. He's a great solo artist.Copy !req
409. Give it up
for Wyclef Jean.Copy !req
410. Yeah, that's the truth
right there.Copy !req
411. I'd like to thank
my guest Wyclef Jean,Copy !req
412. I'd like to thank everybody
at home for watching.Copy !req
413. You guys are the greatest.
Now, I'll see you next week.Copy !req
414. I'm rich, biatch!
(horn honking)Copy !req
415. (woman)
Hi, thank you.Copy !req
416. Mmm.Copy !req
417. Some good-ass cheese,
shit...Copy !req
418. Wait, I'm chokin' on cheese.Copy !req
419. I ate too much
of that good-ass cheese.Copy !req
420. Say "yes, grandmama"
to the cameraCopy !req
421. Yes, grandmama.Copy !req
422. Turn a little bit
more.
That's good.Copy !req
423. Huh, you're lost?Copy !req