1. Oww!Copy !req
2. Dave Chappelle!Copy !req
3. Whoa!Copy !req
4. What's up?Copy !req
5. What's up on the top?Copy !req
6. Man.Copy !req
7. You know, ah...Copy !req
8. y'know what's funny, man,Copy !req
9. there's two things that start
happening to me a lot now,Copy !req
10. since I started
the second season.Copy !req
11. One, like,
when I walk down the street,Copy !req
12. people always
scream stuff out.Copy !req
13. Like, I'll be with my kids,
and people be like,Copy !req
14. "I'm Rick James, bitch."
And all this stuff.Copy !req
15. The other thing
that happens,Copy !req
16. and which I think is
the worst,Copy !req
17. is when people come up to me
and try to give me ideasCopy !req
18. for the show.Copy !req
19. Send them shits through
the proper channels, all right.Copy !req
20. Now, I'm not saying
I'm not open,Copy !req
21. just pick your spots.Copy !req
22. As a matter of fact,
if you knewCopy !req
23. what was
going through my mindCopy !req
24. when you pitch me
that kind of stuff,Copy !req
25. you wouldn't even
talk to me,Copy !req
26. because I'll think
about anythingCopy !req
27. but what you're talking about.Copy !req
28. For example...Copy !req
29. I love you, baby.Copy !req
30. Oh, I know you do.
Come here, girl,Copy !req
31. give me some.Copy !req
32. Excuse me,
I hate to
interrupt,Copy !req
33. but I just had
to say hello.Copy !req
34. Hey, man, how you doing?Copy !req
35. Is this a bad time?Copy !req
36. You kinda caught me
in the middle of something...Copy !req
37. Cool. So, I'm sure
you get this all the
time,Copy !req
38. but I have
the perfect idea for
you.Copy !req
39. It's a movie.
Is it cool if I sit
down?Copy !req
40. This'll only
take a
minute.Copy !req
41. I'm Frank Feldman.Copy !req
42. You kind of caught me
and the wife at a bad time.Copy !req
43. We were just...
It's a love story.Copy !req
44. You play
an underground
street poetCopy !req
45. named Colt 45.Copy !req
46. He's a rebel
with a big
heart.Copy !req
47. He's a loner because
his wife has been
killedCopy !req
48. by the chief financial
officer of the
company...Copy !req
49. Monkey.Copy !req
50. Ashy Larry.Copy !req
51. volunteer
veterinarian
on Wednesdays...Copy !req
52. I wonder what Arsenio's
doing right now.Copy !req
53. He probably
at a wine and cheese party.Copy !req
54. Damn, that's
some good-ass cheese!Copy !req
55. If you don't tell him
how good the cheese is,Copy !req
56. he'll be mad.Copy !req
57. How come you didn't tell me
how good the cheese was?Copy !req
58. Motherfucker.Copy !req
59. Some good-ass cheese, man—Copy !req
60. What are you looking at?
I was...Copy !req
61. Bob Eubanks-lookin'
motherfucker,Copy !req
62. you should've told me
how good the cheese was!Copy !req
63. I was
thinking
the villainCopy !req
64. could be played
by Rod
Stewart...Copy !req
65. Man, I should've
been a rapper.Copy !req
66. That look like fun.Copy !req
67. But I need a gimmick.Copy !req
68. so we have
this big showdownCopy !req
69. at the foot
of the space
shuttle...Copy !req
70. my company is willing
to offer you $12,000,000.Copy !req
71. $12,000,000!Copy !req
72. Frank, right?Copy !req
73. You want
something to drink?Copy !req
74. Waitress, get this nigga
something to drink.Copy !req
75. Look, Frank, I don't know
if you know this,Copy !req
76. y'know those skits
on Chappelle's Show,Copy !req
77. I write a lot of those.Copy !req
78. And I'm thinking maybe
I could give you some ideasCopy !req
79. to make Colt a more
interesting character.Copy !req
80. I would love to hear 'em.Copy !req
81. All right, well,
instead of calling him Colt
45,Copy !req
82. first of all, we've got
to change the name...Copy !req
83. Nascar race.Copy !req
84. Unicorns.Copy !req
85. Dirty diapers.Copy !req
86. instead of the space shuttle,Copy !req
87. we make it right on the steps
of the Lincoln Memorial.Copy !req
88. That's good.Copy !req
89. Wonder what my girl
thinkin' about.Copy !req
90. You know who I'd love
to have sex with...Copy !req
91. All right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break, y'all.Copy !req
92. Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.Copy !req
93. Hello.Copy !req
94. Dave, it's Oprah.Copy !req
95. Oh, hey,
what's up, girl?Copy !req
96. Look, Dave,
I'm
pregnant.Copy !req
97. Are you sure
it's mine?Copy !req
98. No, Dave,
listen, it's
yours.Copy !req
99. Got ya, bitch!
What?Copy !req
100. Just hold on one second.Copy !req
101. All right, look, Oprah,Copy !req
102. I'm gonna fly to Chicago
tomorrow, okay?Copy !req
103. But I'm going to need you
to send me a ticket.Copy !req
104. I'll fly you out.Copy !req
105. Oh, oh, oh, and baby,Copy !req
106. could you have
a limousine pick me upCopy !req
107. at the baggage claim
because I don't haveCopy !req
108. no cab money to get
from the airport to your house.Copy !req
109. Okay, sure thing.Copy !req
110. Thanks, boo.Copy !req
111. Oprah...
I love you, baby.Copy !req
112. I love you too,
David Chappelle.Copy !req
113. All right, I'm gonna go to work
and tell everybodyCopy !req
114. the good news tomorrow,
and I'll see you in Chicago.Copy !req
115. Bye-bye.Copy !req
116. Hey, everybody,
I got an announcement to make!Copy !req
117. Ding, ding,
ding ding, ding!Copy !req
118. I quit!Copy !req
119. Oh!Copy !req
120. Kiss my ass, everybody!Copy !req
121. Excuse me, can I have
a quick word with you?Copy !req
122. Ah, kiss my ass.Copy !req
123. Can you type a memo of that
and send it around?Copy !req
124. I quit!Copy !req
125. Dave, what's gotten into you?Copy !req
126. Oh, Sally, it's not
what's gotten into
me,Copy !req
127. it's what's
gotten intoCopy !req
128. My seed, son!Copy !req
129. I'm rich, bitch!Copy !req
130. Hey, hey, you know
I never approved this.Copy !req
131. Nobody ever
listens to me around here.Copy !req
132. I'm not dangerous!Copy !req
133. At least
I wasn't dangerous.Copy !req
134. Aah!Copy !req
135. Morgan?Copy !req
136. Guys, I almost forgot...Copy !req
137. remember your spirit.Copy !req
138. Oh, it sprayed.Copy !req
139. I'll see you in Chicago.Copy !req
140. Bye, baby,
have a good day at
work.Copy !req
141. Try to stay off
your feet, boo.Copy !req
142. Hey, baby,
how was the show?Copy !req
143. Not bad.Copy !req
144. Oh, this is Chung Lee.Copy !req
145. Chung Lee, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.Copy !req
146. Baby, hey, baby, you mind
if I get a happy ending?Copy !req
147. She didn't say no.Copy !req
148. All right, I'm ready.Copy !req
149. I'm home.Copy !req
150. Hey, baby.Copy !req
151. It's Bruce Lee's brother.Copy !req
152. Hello,
I love your show.Copy !req
153. $7,000 an hour.Copy !req
154. Sounds expensive,
but I thinkCopy !req
155. the safety of you and our
baby
are priceless, all right?Copy !req
156. Check this out.Copy !req
157. Get away from Oprah!Copy !req
158. Hello.Copy !req
159. Hey, baby,
how was the show?Copy !req
160. Oh, oh,
this is
Felicia.Copy !req
161. Felicia, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.Copy !req
162. Mm-wah!Copy !req
163. I'm just
painting,
finishing up.Copy !req
164. David.
Oh, snap!Copy !req
165. Hey, everybody, it's the lady
that made it all possible.Copy !req
166. Give it up
for my baby's momma,Copy !req
167. Oprah motherfucking Winfrey.Copy !req
168. What's happening, baby?
How was the show?Copy !req
169. Why don't you go ahead
and run the bathwater,Copy !req
170. and I'll come and put
some salt in a minute.Copy !req
171. I know your feet
probably hurting.Copy !req
172. All right,
now,
all right.Copy !req
173. Hey, Steve, you mind
pushing the button?Copy !req
174. I'm gonna take
it
from the top.Copy !req
175. Hello?
You again.Copy !req
176. Look, Stedman, you gonna have
to move on, alright?Copy !req
177. No, fuck that,
I don't care what y'all had.Copy !req
178. She's having my baby, okay?Copy !req
179. So you leave this family alone.Copy !req
180. I love her!Copy !req
181. Fine, whatever, bitch.Copy !req
182. Dave, honey,
who was that on the phone?Copy !req
183. Baby, it's nobody.Copy !req
184. It was for me.Copy !req
185. Just go back in the bath.Copy !req
186. Stedman Graham,
if you fuck this up for me...Copy !req
187. There you go!
Yes, yeah!Copy !req
188. You did it, boo, you...Copy !req
189. What the fuck!Copy !req
190. Nigga looks
just like Dr. Phil!Copy !req
191. Women are smart—Copy !req
192. men are stupid.Copy !req
193. Oh, shit!Copy !req
194. Oprah, what about
our dreams, huh?Copy !req
195. Sorry, Dave.Copy !req
196. What am I gonna do now?
I quit my job.Copy !req
197. Shit!Copy !req
198. Stedman...Copy !req
199. we gonna get this bitch.Copy !req
200. Oprah!Copy !req
201. Uh...Copy !req
202. you know,
me and my co-writer,Copy !req
203. producer/creatorCopy !req
204. friend of mine, Neal Brennan,Copy !req
205. we always have
this on-going discussion.Copy !req
206. Every time there's
a black celebrity in trouble,Copy !req
207. Neal doesn't believe
that I never think he's guilty,Copy !req
208. and the reason he thinks thatCopy !req
209. is because I never think
they're guilty.Copy !req
210. It's just how I roll, man.Copy !req
211. To me, it's all about
reasonable doubt.Copy !req
212. What's reasonable doubt
to a white person, you know,Copy !req
213. might not be a reasonable doubt
to a black person.Copy !req
214. If they had me on jury selectionCopy !req
215. at some of
these celebrity trials,Copy !req
216. it'd be a long day,
a long day.Copy !req
217. (man)
Ah, Mr. Chappelle?
Yes.Copy !req
218. Are you aware that
Mr. Simpson is going to beCopy !req
219. on trial
for a double homicide?Copy !req
220. Yeah, I heard about it.Copy !req
221. It's all bullshit, man.Copy !req
222. O.J. Ain't gonna
kill
nobody, he's rich.Copy !req
223. But Mr. Chappelle,
what if I told youCopy !req
224. that we had DNA evidenceCopy !req
225. linking Mr. Simpson
to the scene of the crime?Copy !req
226. Then I'd have to ask
you
where you found it.Copy !req
227. In his bedroom,
at the crime scene,Copy !req
228. and in his car.Copy !req
229. In the car?
Right in his car.Copy !req
230. Damn.Copy !req
231. And in the bedroom too?Copy !req
232. In the bedroom.Copy !req
233. Damn.Copy !req
234. I... damn.Copy !req
235. Then I'd probably just ask
you,
"how'd they find it?"Copy !req
236. The police found
a bloody gloveCopy !req
237. on O.J.'s property.Copy !req
238. Sir, I'm not
impressed,
all right.Copy !req
239. Who... what black man
don't
have some bloody glovesCopy !req
240. on his property?Copy !req
241. Nigga,
I got one right
here.Copy !req
242. That don't mean
I did anything.Copy !req
243. Sir, if somebody
murdered your family,Copy !req
244. and the police found
a bloody gloveCopy !req
245. on O.J.'s property,Copy !req
246. and a witness heard
strange bangingsCopy !req
247. minutes
after the murders...Copy !req
248. I'd have to be
real confusedCopy !req
249. because nobody in my
family
beef with O.J. like that.Copy !req
250. And we would've killed O.J.Copy !req
251. after the first time
he beat my sister up.Copy !req
252. We would've
whupped his ass.Copy !req
253. We would've made real
orange juice out of that
nigga.Copy !req
254. So, you ain't gonna
find no bloody
gloves.Copy !req
255. If anything happened,
you can quote me, sir,Copy !req
256. they would find
some bloody glovesCopy !req
257. at our house.Copy !req
258. But this was before...Copy !req
259. O.J. would be dead,
nigga, and that's
real.Copy !req
260. Detective Mark Fuhrman was
one of the lead detectives—Copy !req
261. Fuhrman?
—on the case and—Copy !req
262. Fuhrman? He's a
racist,
it's a racist name.Copy !req
263. Fuhrman. You're sayin',
what is he a furor,
German?Copy !req
264. Fuhrman, German.Copy !req
265. Sound a little
familiar to
you?Copy !req
266. with a name like that.Copy !req
267. I can't comment.Copy !req
268. I bet you can't.Copy !req
269. But as a person
that says "nigger" a
lot,Copy !req
270. trust me.Copy !req
271. That nigga says
"nigger"
all the time.Copy !req
272. Mr. Chappelle,
are you suggesting that,Copy !req
273. because one of the detectives
is a possible racist,Copy !req
274. and because
there may have beenCopy !req
275. some minor oversights
in the investigation,Copy !req
276. that it completely lets
O.J. off the hook?Copy !req
277. Exactamundo!
The defense rests,
sir.Copy !req
278. Mr. Chappelle—Copy !req
279. No further questions!Copy !req
280. Will you at least admit
that O.J. more than likelyCopy !req
281. killed his wife?Copy !req
282. Sir, my blackness
will not permit meCopy !req
283. to make a statement
like that.Copy !req
284. You're dismissed.Copy !req
285. Are you aware
of the chargesCopy !req
286. that Michael Jackson is
currently facing?Copy !req
287. Yes, sir.Copy !req
288. Ah, and for the record,Copy !req
289. these charges
hurt me the most.Copy !req
290. So he's guilty.Copy !req
291. Look, man, look,
Michael JacksonCopy !req
292. has many faces,Copy !req
293. none of 'em
look
guilty to me.Copy !req
294. You gotta look in the
eyes,
not the noses.Copy !req
295. He's been accused of this
more than once.Copy !req
296. So, some people say that
cucumbers taste better pickled.Copy !req
297. What?
Huh?Copy !req
298. What?
Huh?Copy !req
299. What if I told you
that the accusersCopy !req
300. correctly described
Michael's penisCopy !req
301. to investigators?Copy !req
302. Sir, I have never seen
Michael's alleged penis,Copy !req
303. but I bet you that
I could describe it.Copy !req
304. All right, let me guess.Copy !req
305. There's a head,
a shaft, some balls,Copy !req
306. hair, maybe pressed,
permed hair,Copy !req
307. with glitter
sprinkled on it.Copy !req
308. That is correct.Copy !req
309. Whoa, how'd I know?Copy !req
310. Come on, dude,
I couldn't pick my own penisCopy !req
311. out of a lineup,
all right?Copy !req
312. And me and my penis is
like this, son.Copy !req
313. What about Michael saying
it's okay to haveCopy !req
314. children sleep with him?Copy !req
315. That don't mean anything.Copy !req
316. I'm sure there's plenty of
kids
that sleep in the bedCopy !req
317. with their adults all the
time,
and nothing happens.Copy !req
318. So you do you think
Michael JacksonCopy !req
319. is guilty of the charges
against him?Copy !req
320. No, man.Copy !req
321. He made "Thriller."Copy !req
322. "Thriller."Copy !req
323. So you'd let your children
sleep with him.Copy !req
324. Fuck no!Copy !req
325. Eww.Copy !req
326. Are you aware
that Robert BlakeCopy !req
327. is facing
a charge of murder?Copy !req
328. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
329. Baretta did that shit.Copy !req
330. Mr. Chappelle,
are you awareCopy !req
331. that Robert Kelly
is being chargedCopy !req
332. with child pornography?Copy !req
333. Yes, I've heard
of such things.Copy !req
334. You've seen
the video tapes?Copy !req
335. Have I seen it!
Like, 80 times.Copy !req
336. You know the part
where he's waiting for
herCopy !req
337. to come over,
and he's looking
in the cameraCopy !req
338. like...Copy !req
339. So, you think that it was
Robert Kelly on the tape?Copy !req
340. Well, I'd have
to say it was.Copy !req
341. So, then,
you believeCopy !req
342. he urinated
on a 15-year-old girl.Copy !req
343. You know, with these tapes,
they can do a lot of things.Copy !req
344. For all I know,
that piss was
digital.Copy !req
345. They— They get crazy
with special effects.Copy !req
346. Look, look,
check this
out.Copy !req
347. I didn't even
just do that.Copy !req
348. Did I do that?Copy !req
349. That piss was digital.Copy !req
350. They'll do crazy stuff
with special effects.Copy !req
351. What about the girl
corroborating the story?Copy !req
352. So what?Copy !req
353. How much money does
this girl stand to makeCopy !req
354. by "corroborating"
this story?Copy !req
355. I tell you what,
you give me that kind of money,Copy !req
356. R. Kelly can fart
in my dinner tonight.Copy !req
357. Spray-fart.Copy !req
358. So, besides the tapeCopy !req
359. and the girl corroborating
the allegations,Copy !req
360. what more would it take for
you
to believe he's guilty?Copy !req
361. All right, if I saw
a tape of R. KellyCopy !req
362. peeing on a girl
while he was
singingCopy !req
363. "Piss On You"...Copy !req
364. and the girl was holding
two forms of government
ID...Copy !req
365. like, four or
five
of my buddiesCopy !req
366. and Neal taking notes...Copy !req
367. Well...
I'm not finished.Copy !req
368. And his grandmother
has to be thereCopy !req
369. to confirm
his
identity.Copy !req
370. That's my Robert,
always peeing on
people.Copy !req
371. Don't forget
her hair,
Robert.Copy !req
372. Yes, grandmother.Copy !req
373. Mr. Chappelle,
isn't that excessive?Copy !req
374. No, no,
it's not
excessive.Copy !req
375. Listen, lady, the burden
of proof is on the state,Copy !req
376. on the state!Copy !req
377. You have got
to prove to me,Copy !req
378. beyond a reasonable doubt,Copy !req
379. whether or not
this man is a pisser.Copy !req
380. Aren't your doubts
unreasonable?Copy !req
381. No, it's not unreasonable.Copy !req
382. Look, we're talking
about a justice systemCopy !req
383. that had 500 people
whose cases were overturnedCopy !req
384. by DNA evidence.Copy !req
385. I've seen a tape where
five cops beat up a
nigga,Copy !req
386. and they said that
they had reasonable
doubt.Copy !req
387. I got my doubts
too,
all right?Copy !req
388. How come they didn't find
Big and Tupac's murderersCopy !req
389. but they arrest
O.J.
the next day?Copy !req
390. Nicole Simpson can't rap.Copy !req
391. I want justice!Copy !req
392. You are all...Copy !req
393. this whole goddamn court
is
out of order, everybody.Copy !req
394. Mr. Chappelle,
you're dismissed.Copy !req
395. And that's from the heart.Copy !req
396. We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.Copy !req
397. We'll be right back.Copy !req
398. Welcome back,
everybody.Copy !req
399. Tonight's musical guest is
one of my favorite MCs, man,Copy !req
400. and part of
one of my favorite groups.Copy !req
401. He's a great solo artist.Copy !req
402. Give it up
for Wyclef Jean.Copy !req
403. Yeah, that's the truth
right there.Copy !req
404. I'd like to thank
my guest Wyclef Jean,Copy !req
405. I'd like to thank everybody
at home for watching.Copy !req
406. You guys are the greatest.
Now, I'll see you next week.Copy !req
407. I'm rich, biatch!Copy !req
408. Hi, thank you.Copy !req
409. Mmm.Copy !req
410. Some good-ass cheese,
shit...Copy !req
411. Wait, I'm chokin' on cheese.Copy !req
412. I ate too much
of that good-ass cheese.Copy !req
413. Say "yes, grandmama"
to the cameraCopy !req
414. Yes, grandmama.Copy !req
415. Turn a little bit
more.
That's good.Copy !req
416. Huh, you're lost?Copy !req