Chappelle's Show 2x7

1. Ow!

2. Let's start the show.

3. Ladies and gentlemen,

4. - Dave Chappelle.

5. Hey.

6. What—oh, snap.

7. Oh, thanks, yo. Thanks, yo.

8. Welcome, everybody. Welcome to Chappelle's Show.

9. Welcome, man.

10. Thanks for coming out tonight, yo.

11. You know, I almost was afraid no one would be here.

12. I had a conversation that upset me,

13. where a dude said my show was offensive to black people.

14. Normally that doesn't bother me, but he was white,

15. - so it freaked me out.

16. He had me thinking for a second, "What?"

17. But he might have a point.

18. I'm not gonna discount him just because he was white.

19. Who knows?

20. Some people just know black people, right?

21. You know, I'm serious.

22. They got, like, gut instincts.

23. Some people know black people.

24. But who are those people? We don't know.

25. So we got some people, and we put them to the test.

26. Now, what you're about to see is absolutely real.

27. These are real people.

28. This is not— This is not actors.

29. This is the real deal.

30. Give it up for my new game show.

31. I know black people!

32. Welcome to the show "I know black people,"

33. where we take contestants who claim to know black people

34. and put their knowledge

35. of African-American culture to the test.

36. The contestant who answers the most questions, of course,

37. wins our grand prize.

38. Let's bring them out one at a time, now.

39. Our first contestant is a professor

40. of African-American studies and history

41. at Fordham University;

42. the New York City police officer;

43. he is a writer for such black television shows

44. as the Chris Rock Show and Chappelle's Show.

45. Okay, our next contestant works in a Korean grocery store;

46. this is a DJ and claims to have many black friends.

47. A social worker in Wilmington, Delaware;

48. most of his boys he goes to school with are black;

49. the barber in Brooklyn who claims

50. that 100% of his clients are black.

51. Let's play the game.

52. What is a "Badonkadonk"?

53. A Badonkadonk?

54. A Badonkadonk is, like, a, uh—

55. a incredibly attractive ass.

56. - That is correct.

57. A Badonkadonk.

58. Big penis.

59. - I don't know.

60. He's talking about my rear end, I think.

61. - That is correct.

62. You do have a Badonkadonk.

63. I may have heard that once or twice before, yeah.

64. I'm tellin' you, Washington Heights,

65. - they'll tell the cops,

66. "Girl, you got a Badonkadonk."

67. Ooh, that's junk in the trunk.

68. That's what you put your mug on.

69. You saddle up and ride.

70. That's a big... ass.

71. - He is correct.

72. - Junk in the trunk...

73. What you put your mug up, saddle up and ride,

74. or an ass are all acceptable answers.

75. Black people!

76. Why do black people love menthols so much?

77. I don't—I don't know.

78. - That is correct.

79. - All right.

80. Nobody knows. Nobody knows for sure.

81. 'Cause that's what Newport are?

82. - That is correct.

83. Is it a fact that they like menthol cigarettes?

84. I'm not even sure.

85. I don't know—

86. - That is correct.

87. "I don't know." No one knows.

88. Black people!

89. On the popular show, Good Time,

90. What did Mr. Bookman do for a living?

91. Ooh, he was the handyman.

92. - That is correct.

93. He was the super.

94. - That is correct.

95. Let's see, I don't know who bookman was on good times,

96. so I'm gonna have to take a guess.

97. Um... was he a janitor?

98. - That is correct.

99. Amazing.

100. Did not know see the show yet knows

101. - that bookman was cleaning up.

102. He was the janitor,

103. and his nickname was Buffalo Butt.

104. - That is correct

105. - and a bonus point. - Thank you.

106. Black people!

107. Could you name any of bookman's nicknames?

108. Booger.

109. - That is correct.

110. Buffalo Butt.

111. - That is correct.

112. - Chi-chi? - Chi-chi?

113. I am checking the judges for Chi-Chi.

114. - I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

115. His name was bookman?

116. Yes, and he was fat.

117. What did they call him?

118. Uh, fat janitor guy.

119. Black people!

120. Why did black people distrust Ronald Reagan?

121. Because he was white.

122. - That is correct.

123. Because he was white.

124. - That is correct.

125. Why did black people distrust Ronald Reagan?

126. Because he took all his money.

127. - That is correct.

128. Because he was a Republican.

129. - That is correct.

130. Why did black people distrust Ronald Reagan?

131. Hmm, he wasn't supposed to be trusted in the first place.

132. - He is correct.

133. Black people!

134. Tito, is pimping easy?

135. No.

136. - That is correct.

137. - No.

138. That is correct.

139. Big Daddy Kane would say, "It ain't easy."

140. "Pimping ain't easy," he is correct.

141. - It's hard.

142. - That is correct.

143. All right, I have a hard time with it myself.

144. Yes, pimping, as a matter of fact, ain't easy.

145. Is pimping easy?

146. - Hell yeah.

147. Somehow that is correct.

148. Black people!

149. Whoa, the competition's heating up.

150. But don't go anywhere,

151. because we'll be right back with more "I know black people."

152. We'll find out who wins later in the show,

153. but don't go anywhere.

154. We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

155. Oh, yeah.

156. Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

157. You know, folks...

158. there's a lot of talk on the streets

159. about "Keeping it real."

160. I hear men saying it. I hear women saying it.

161. We all just got to be careful.

162. When you're "Keeping it real," pick your spots.

163. Reality is hidden for a reason.

164. And now we will show you why.

165. You're watching when "Keeping it real" goes wrong.

166. Brenda Johnson was at home one night

167. eating popcorn and watching television with her girlfriend.

168. The telephone rang.

169. Hello.

170. Brenda had a simple choice to make:

171. Ignore the mild rudeness of someone hanging up on her

172. or keep it real.

173. Fuck that!

174. I don't like people playing on my phone.

175. Girl, don't even trip. You bigger than that.

176. No.

177. I don't like people playing on my phone.

178. But in reality, it had nothing to do

179. with people playing on her phone.

180. Brenda had long suspected her boyfriend, Jamal,

181. of cheating on her.

182. This was the straw that broke the camel's back.

183. Hello.

184. Did you just call here, bitch?

185. Excuse me?

186. I know you just called here. Don't play dumb with me.

187. Stop fucking my man!

188. I don't know what you're talking about.

189. I dialed the wrong number, okay?

190. I star-69'd you, you dirty ho.

191. You and I both know you sleeping with Jamal.

192. No, I was trying to call my aunt.

193. Oh, bitch, please.

194. You a bitch, and so is your aunt.

195. Oh, no, she did not hang up on me again.

196. Again?

197. Brenda could've ended the conflict there.

198. You want to play, bitch?

199. Let's play.

200. But she decided

201. to push her real-o-meter into the red.

202. 'Cause I keeps it real like that.

203. Brenda went onto her computer

204. and did a reverse lookup of Janice's number.

205. Not only did she get Janice's address

206. but directions as well.

207. I'm fittin' to ride on this bitch.

208. You won't be fucking Jamal in this car, ho!

209. Take that, you clap-having Jezebel.

210. It was a wrong number!

211. Fuck that!

212. I don't like people playing on my phone.

213. I keeps it real.

214. What Brenda didn't know

215. is that Janice was borrowing the car

216. from her older brother, a federal agent.

217. She also didn't know that defacing a government vehicle

218. is considered a felony in certain cases,

219. this being one of them.

220. After a short trial,

221. Brenda was sentenced to six years

222. in federal prison.

223. What's really hood, bitch?

224. Brenda knew it was important

225. to establish her realness early in prison.

226. confronted by another pivotal decision,

227. she decided then and there to keep it real.

228. All right, bitch, let's settle this right now.

229. - oh!

230. The three women were all serving

231. consecutive life sentences.

232. It turned out they kept it realer.

233. And as for her boyfriend, Jamal...

234. You want to talk about keeping it real?

235. He was cheating on Brenda with her best friend.

236. - I keeps it real.

237. Ain't that right, shorty?

238. That's right.

239. From eating popcorn in the comfort of her own home

240. to eating fruit cocktail off of a prison floor,

241. Brenda rounds...

242. Fuck that!

243. I don't like people playing on my phone.

244. Just another case of what can happen

245. when "Keeping it real" goes wrong.

246. - Oh, shit.

247. We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

248. Don't go anywhere, everybody. We'll be right back.

249. I'm serious.

250. Man.

251. The greatest show.

252. What's happening, everybody? Welcome back.

253. And now let's see who's gonna be the winner

254. of "I know black people."

255. Competition's been stiff in the first act.

256. Let's see how it goes in the next round.

257. Are you ready?

258. What is a loosey?

259. Now, I should know this.

260. - A smoke.

261. Damn, that's— That's absolutely correct.

262. A single cigarette.

263. A loose cigarette.

264. - That is correct.

265. - A cigarette.

266. That is correct.

267. What is a loosey?

268. Is that a—

269. A way of saying oral sex?

270. No, but we should start saying that.

271. What is a loosey?

272. One cigarette bought at the store from the Arabs.

273. - That is correct.

274. A cigarette bought at the store,

275. one loose cigarette, from an Arab.

276. Black people!

277. What is a chickenhead?

278. That's a woman who puts her mouth

279. on the member of a—

280. or sometimes called a crack whore.

281. - That is acceptable.

282. That is one of the many definitions of a chickenhead,

283. a fellatios woman.

284. There we go. Mark, things are looking up.

285. Let's see.

286. Somebody on T.V used to say chickenhead.

287. "You're such a chickenhead."

288. I don't know what show this is,

289. but I'd like to see it.

290. Somebody who's stupid.

291. No, a chickenhead is a hoochie, whore,

292. or a fellatios woman, apparently.

293. It can be used for different things.

294. It's mostly used to describe a ho or an ugly woman.

295. A woman that likes to suck penis.

296. A woman that likes to suck penis.

297. To give a loosey.

298. That's right, to give a loosey.

299. What is a chickenhead?

300. Oh,

301. you can find that anywhere in the hood, on the block.

302. It's a bird,

303. one of those that you just bring home and wear out.

304. - That is correct.

305. A bird that you bring home and wear out.

306. That is correct.

307. That's what they're for. That's how they're used.

308. Black people!

309. Finish this good time lyric:

310. "Temporary layoffs, good times.

311. Easy credit rip-offs,

312. good times.

313. Scratching and surviving,

314. good times.

315. Blank,

316. good times."

317. I know that

318. one character on good times

319. was J.J. Walker.

320. That's very good.

321. I get mistaken for him a lot in shopping malls.

322. Another actress on good times

323. is Lenny Kravitz's mother.

324. Oh, I'm sorry, that was the Jeffersons,

325. but close.

326. Damn.

327. Yeah, I...

328. I remember when Willis had a drinking problem.

329. "Scratching and surviving,

330. good times.

331. Blank, good times."

332. Mm-hmm, and I've always wondered this myself.

333. And it sounds like "Hangin' in a jury,"

334. but it's—

335. It's, it's— And is it a—

336. Say it one more time.

337. Say what you just said one more time.

338. Um, and I always thought, as a kid,

339. "Does that mean that someone is hung in a jury?"

340. But I didn't—

341. You know, I have to say you can tell

342. I know the actual song,

343. but those ones, I never could decipher what it was.

344. It was a—

345. Bryan Tucker just pointed out a fact that is very true.

346. This is the most disputed lyric in all

347. - of the Good Times lyrics. - Yes.

348. I am inclined to give him the point.

349. I look at my judges—

350. - He gets the point.

351. All right, and what is the lyric?

352. The correct lyric:

353. "Hangin' in a chow line."

354. I had to look it up on the internet myself.

355. I thought it was "Hangin' a jacket."

356. Black people!

357. And now for the final question.

358. Are you ready?

359. I'm ready.

360. How can black people rise up and overcome?

361. How can they rise up and overcome?

362. Well, can they overcome? No, I'm just-.

363. - That is correct.

364. Reparations.

365. - That is acceptable.

366. This is a rap lyric?

367. No, this—I'm sorry.

368. Oh, this is a general question.

369. - This is an actual question. - All right.

370. There's a complex answer there.

371. - That is correct.

372. Staying alive.

373. - That is correct.

374. That is correct.

375. Well, stop cuttin' each other's throat.

376. - That also is correct.

377. How can black people rise up and overcome?

378. Get out and vote.

379. That is incorrect, I'm afraid.

380. - I'm sorry.

381. Black people!

382. Well, folks, our judges tallied up the scores,

383. and we have a winner.

384. Rob the DJ. Rob, come on out.

385. Excellent job, Rob. Congratulations.

386. Here's the grand prize.

387. Of course, it contains a lifetime supply

388. of Murray's hair cream.

389. That's right.

390. And one can is a lifetime supply, trust me.

391. Two bootleg DVD's.

392. And, of course, what would a grand prize be

393. without a pack of menthol cigarettes?

394. Black people!

395. We'll take a quick commercial break,

396. but don't go anywhere.

397. We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

398. And now it's time for our musical performance

399. by the lovely, the soulful Miss Erykah Badu.

400. Right now, what we're gonna do is go back, all right?

401. Let me tell you what we used to do.

402. Check it out.

403. That's trues and vogues.

404. One, two.

405. That's right.

406. I would like to thank my guest, Erykah Badu.

407. I'd like to thank each and every one of you

408. at home for watching.

409. Everybody in the room for being here.

410. I'll see you next week.

411. I am out!

412. I'm rich, biatch.

413. Hi, thank you.

414. All right, this one, nobody got.

415. Not even the black dudes got this.

416. All right, you're walking down the street, right?

417. Black dude comes up to you.

418. He hands you two dimes and a nickel

419. and says, "May I have a"-- What does he want?

420. Case quarter.

421. Yes. See?

422. Nobody got "Case quarter."

423. Who was the only black sweat hog?

424. - No idea.

425. Correct answer, of course, Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington.

426. But he didn't happen to have the answer handy.