1. Let's start the show.Copy !req
2. And now,Copy !req
3. "A moment in the life
of Lil Jon."Copy !req
4. Lil Jon?Copy !req
5. Yeah!Copy !req
6. I understand you may have
fractured your arm.Copy !req
7. Yeah!Copy !req
8. Let's take a look.Copy !req
9. Okay!Copy !req
10. Does this hurt?Copy !req
11. No.Copy !req
12. This?Copy !req
13. Not really, no.Copy !req
14. - This?Copy !req
15. No.Copy !req
16. - What about this?
- Yeah!Copy !req
17. All right then.Copy !req
18. Do you have your
proof of insurance?Copy !req
19. - What?
- Proof of insurance.Copy !req
20. What?Copy !req
21. Proof of insurance.Copy !req
22. - What?
- Proof of insurance.Copy !req
23. Huh?Copy !req
24. Proof of insurance.Copy !req
25. What?Copy !req
26. - Proof of insurance.
- What?Copy !req
27. - Your proof of insurance?
- What?Copy !req
28. - Your proof of insurance.
- What?Copy !req
29. - Proof of insurance?
- Huh?Copy !req
30. Proof of insurance?Copy !req
31. Yeah!Copy !req
32. Oh, it's right here.Copy !req
33. Now, do you do
any recreational drugs?Copy !req
34. What?Copy !req
35. Do you do any
recreational drugs?Copy !req
36. That depends, doctor.Copy !req
37. What do you define as "Drugs"?Copy !req
38. - Medication?
- No.Copy !req
39. Cocaine?Copy !req
40. Absolutely not.Copy !req
41. - Marijuana?
- Yeah!Copy !req
42. Yeah!
Yeah!Copy !req
43. What?Copy !req
44. Nothing.Copy !req
45. What?Copy !req
46. Nothing.Copy !req
47. - Pardon me?
- Nothing, just writing.Copy !req
48. - What?
- I didn't say anything.Copy !req
49. - What?
- Be done in a second.Copy !req
50. Okay!Copy !req
51. Fine.Copy !req
52. What?Copy !req
53. Need anything?Copy !req
54. No, I'm cool.Copy !req
55. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
56. You've just watchedCopy !req
57. "A moment in
the life of Lil Jon."Copy !req
58. - Dave Chappelle!Copy !req
59. Hey.Copy !req
60. Hey.Copy !req
61. Oh, what's happening, y'all?Copy !req
62. What's up, everybody?Copy !req
63. Welcome to " Chappelle's Show "Copy !req
64. Thank you for being here.Copy !req
65. - Man.Copy !req
66. You know, folks,
you might've heard me say thisCopy !req
67. publicly many times,
but this time I mean it.Copy !req
68. I've—
I've quit smoking reefer.Copy !req
69. No, I'm serious this time, man.
This—I'm done.Copy !req
70. I don't want to smoke it
no more.Copy !req
71. Them commercials be working
on me, man.Copy !req
72. Every time
I seen them commercials,Copy !req
73. they just have me feeling bad,Copy !req
74. especially this one.Copy !req
75. [man 1] Let me get
my cheddar burger, man.Copy !req
76. [man 2] Hold your horses, man.Copy !req
77. We all hungry.Copy !req
78. [man 1] Are your horses here,
yo?Copy !req
79. Yo, let me hold them for you,
man.Copy !req
80. Let me get
my cheddar burger, man.Copy !req
81. We've been here a long time.Copy !req
82. - You all right?Copy !req
83. No cheddar for you, man.Copy !req
84. Give me a cheddar burger, man.Copy !req
85. Man, chill out
with that cheddar burger.Copy !req
86. Yeah, chill out.Copy !req
87. Yo, it was in your hand
the whole time, stupid.Copy !req
88. Yo, you got to eat
that burger, dude.Copy !req
89. Shit.Copy !req
90. You killed her, yo!Copy !req
91. Come on, man, we got to
chop her body upCopy !req
92. and stuff it down the drain!Copy !req
93. Let's go!
Let's get the fuck out of here!Copy !req
94. I can't, man!
There's people back there.Copy !req
95. Shit!Copy !req
96. - Fuck.
- Come on!Copy !req
97. Let's go, let's go!Copy !req
98. I just love the fact
that I have a showCopy !req
99. where you can run over a kid,Copy !req
100. and everyone just
busts out laughingCopy !req
101. only in this show.Copy !req
102. Well, folks, here he is—Copy !req
103. America's favorite,
my favorite,Copy !req
104. Mr. Paul Mooney.Copy !req
105. And now, "Mooney on movies."Copy !req
106. Our first film
is "G one with the wind."Copy !req
107. This film is an epic romanceCopy !req
108. centering around
Scarlett O'Hara,Copy !req
109. a damsel in distress
during the civil war.Copy !req
110. It is a must-own,
must-see movie.Copy !req
111. I highly recommend it.Copy !req
112. I couldn't agree
with you more.Copy !req
113. I've actually
seen "Gone with the wind"Copy !req
114. 13 times since I was
ten years old.Copy !req
115. No kidding.Copy !req
116. You must be on crack.Copy !req
117. I don't think
we've seen the same movie.Copy !req
118. I thought Scarlett was a hoCopy !req
119. 'cause she went bed
with everybody, uh, but Mammy.Copy !req
120. Um, I love Mammy.Copy !req
121. Mammy was the best—Copy !req
122. The best scene in the movie isCopy !req
123. when Mammy
told the white people,Copy !req
124. "Get off my porch,
White Trash!"Copy !req
125. I stood and I applauded.Copy !req
126. I loved every bit of it.Copy !req
127. I liked Mammy, though.Copy !req
128. I really—
I thought she was great.Copy !req
129. I thought she had a great role.Copy !req
130. Do you know in real life
it was Hattie McDaniel's.Copy !req
131. They wouldn't let "Mammy"
go to the opening.Copy !req
132. Hollywood—
No, no—Copy !req
133. Hollywood goes too far.Copy !req
134. But she's dead.
But she's dead.Copy !req
135. But everybody comes back.Copy !req
136. Everybody comes back
to get their money.Copy !req
137. She came back as Oprah Winfrey
to get her money.Copy !req
138. "Barbershop"
is a smart comedyCopy !req
139. about a day in the life
of a black barbershopCopy !req
140. on the south side of Chicago.Copy !req
141. It is owned by ice cubeCopy !req
142. and inhabited
by a colorful cast of charactersCopy !req
143. who bicker with one another
in various hilarious ways.Copy !req
144. Recently, a sequel was made.Copy !req
145. You know it's just a front.Copy !req
146. It really—They really sell
drugs out of barbershops.Copy !req
147. "The Last Samurai"
centers around Tom Cruise,Copy !req
148. a civil war veteran
who goes to JapanCopy !req
149. and teaches the emperor's troops
how to fight.Copy !req
150. - Mr. Mooney?
- No, no, another movie this—Copy !req
151. I was offended by.Copy !req
152. I mean, Hollywood is crazy.Copy !req
153. " The Last Samurai "
starring Tom Cruise?Copy !req
154. - He's the Last Samurai?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
155. Give me a break.Copy !req
156. That movie was offensive.Copy !req
157. I mean, Hollywood is crazy.Copy !req
158. First, they had
" The Mexican " with Brad Pitt,Copy !req
159. and now they've got
" The Last Samurai"Copy !req
160. with Tom Cruise.
Well, I've written a film.Copy !req
161. Maybe they'll—
Maybe they'll produce my film:Copy !req
162. "The Last Nigger On Earth"
starring Tom Hanks.Copy !req
163. - How about that?Copy !req
164. We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.Copy !req
165. We'll be right back.
Don't go nowhere.Copy !req
166. Go ahead.Copy !req
167. - Welcome back.Copy !req
168. Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show, everybody.Copy !req
169. Man.Copy !req
170. Now, has anybody ever been,Copy !req
171. seen this thing on ESPN?
These poker games now?Copy !req
172. Like poker—Copy !req
173. I didn't even know poker
was a sport.Copy !req
174. They—
That's weird, right?Copy !req
175. Poker championships.Copy !req
176. I didn't know
that gambling was so acceptable.Copy !req
177. And then I was watching
late at nightCopy !req
178. they have actually, like,
blacks, like, black gambling,Copy !req
179. like, the world series of dice.Copy !req
180. It's crazy.Copy !req
181. I'm serious.
It's right—look.Copy !req
182. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
183. and welcome
to the Marcy projectsCopy !req
184. here in Brooklyn, New York.Copy !req
185. Why are we here?Copy !req
186. To buy weed?Copy !req
187. Not this time, Bill.Copy !req
188. Nope, everyone knows
we're here for one reasonCopy !req
189. and one reason only.Copy !req
190. We're here
for the eighth annualCopy !req
191. World Series of Dice.Copy !req
192. Well, that's right, Rob.Copy !req
193. Some of the greatest players
from around the worldCopy !req
194. have gathered here to
compete for the grand prize:Copy !req
195. One another's money.Copy !req
196. And bragging rights
for the whole year.Copy !req
197. Let's meet them,
these kings of click-clack.Copy !req
198. From Kansas City, Missouri,
legendary shooterCopy !req
199. Grits n' Gravy.Copy !req
200. Grits n' Gravy.Copy !req
201. Kansas City, Missouri.Copy !req
202. Flying in from
the far east is Phyuck Yiu,Copy !req
203. one of the premier dice playersCopy !req
204. in the eastern hemisphere.Copy !req
205. He has played dice in some
of the gullyest of games.Copy !req
206. Phyuck Yiu.Copy !req
207. Konichiwa, bitches!Copy !req
208. Drop the card, baby!Copy !req
209. And that's
Leonard Washington.Copy !req
210. You know they say,Copy !req
211. "Papa didn't take no mess."Copy !req
212. Well, neither does Leonard.Copy !req
213. My name's Leonard Washington.Copy !req
214. Where I'm from?Copy !req
215. a little town calledCopy !req
216. "None of your Goddamn business."Copy !req
217. Let's play some dice, bitches.Copy !req
218. And finally,
from these very projects,Copy !req
219. local legend Ashy Larry.Copy !req
220. Why do they call him
Ashy Larry?Copy !req
221. Well, there's your answer.Copy !req
222. Ashy Larry.Copy !req
223. Marcy projects.Copy !req
224. Marcy, son.
What.Copy !req
225. Okay,
Larry gets first roll.Copy !req
226. Let's see how he does.Copy !req
227. That man is drier
than Kunta Kinte's ankle.Copy !req
228. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
229. I stole this money
out of my girl's purse.Copy !req
230. She think I'm out
emptying the trash.Copy !req
231. Come on, baby, I need this.Copy !req
232. What you need
is some chopstickCopy !req
233. and a set of trousers.Copy !req
234. Roll the dice,
you ashy mother fucker.Copy !req
235. Start the game.Copy !req
236. All right, but I'm about
to go from ashy to classy.Copy !req
237. Ooh, and just like that,
Ashy Larry is eliminated.Copy !req
238. - Ouch.
- She gonna kill me.Copy !req
239. Keisha gonna kill me.Copy !req
240. Larry, what the fuck
are you doing?Copy !req
241. I was—Okay, remember,
I was emptying the trash—Copy !req
242. And that better
not be the moneyCopy !req
243. out my God damn purse!Copy !req
244. I was—Okay, remember—Copy !req
245. Pick the shit up
and get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
246. That's just what I'm
trying to tell you!Copy !req
247. I was just taking
the trash out.Copy !req
248. You hear me?
I was just taking the trash—Copy !req
249. She is gonna fuck him up.Copy !req
250. You said it, Bill.Copy !req
251. Okay, Grits n' Gravy
is up next.Copy !req
252. Now, grits is
most known for once rollingCopy !req
253. 77 sevens in a row
at a casino in Las Vegas,Copy !req
254. making him
a millionaire in the process.Copy !req
255. Well, you know, Rob,
earlier today,Copy !req
256. we asked him what
he did with the money.Copy !req
257. Let's take a look.Copy !req
258. I bought my mama a car.Copy !req
259. I spent the rest on PCP.Copy !req
260. Okay, simple enough.Copy !req
261. I like his style.Copy !req
262. Loves his mother.Copy !req
263. Loves PCP.Copy !req
264. Grits n' Gravy
is ready to roll.Copy !req
265. Let's see how he does.Copy !req
266. - Come on, put in.
- All right.Copy !req
267. Put up or shut up.Copy !req
268. - All right, just hold on.
- Time to double up!Copy !req
269. Here to take
everybody money.Copy !req
270. Seven!
Seven!Copy !req
271. Seven!Copy !req
272. What you all know about seven?Copy !req
273. Pay me.Copy !req
274. Boy, you are the Goddamn devil.Copy !req
275. Put it down there.
Put it down there!Copy !req
276. Let's spread this around.
Yes.Copy !req
277. Hubba-hubba!Copy !req
278. A'ight, you know what?
I'm tired.Copy !req
279. I ain't got all day.Copy !req
280. I got babies to kiss
and bitches to catch.Copy !req
281. All in.Copy !req
282. All in?Copy !req
283. I see you.Copy !req
284. And Leonard
laying it on thick.Copy !req
285. An incredible stare down
between Leonard and Grits.Copy !req
286. Look at the flaring nostrils.Copy !req
287. Makes me want to throw up.Copy !req
288. Ooh!Copy !req
289. - Snake eyes!
- Damn!Copy !req
290. And just like that,
Grits is eliminated.Copy !req
291. And when I leave,
come together like butt cheeks.Copy !req
292. And it comes down
to these two men,Copy !req
293. Leonard Washington
and Phyuck Yiu.Copy !req
294. I want everybody in hereCopy !req
295. - to get butt-ass naked!Copy !req
296. Get your Goddamn clothes off!Copy !req
297. This is a robbery!Copy !req
298. And almost on cue
the game gets robbed.Copy !req
299. Local thug
Rodney "Quills" Dinkins,Copy !req
300. breaking into the
Marcy projects hallway hereCopy !req
301. and telling us all
to get butt naked.Copy !req
302. You know, Bill,
dice games get robbed.Copy !req
303. It happens all the time.Copy !req
304. They very rarely come
to a reasonable end.Copy !req
305. T.V is no different.Copy !req
306. What you waiting for,
cool breeze?Copy !req
307. Get butt naked right now!Copy !req
308. Get it off, son!Copy !req
309. First of all, you better
check your tone with me, man.Copy !req
310. I don't think you know
who you're talking to.Copy !req
311. I'm Leonard Washington.Copy !req
312. I don't get
butt naked for nobody.Copy !req
313. You want this roll, nigga,Copy !req
314. you gonna have to shoot me.Copy !req
315. - Okay.Copy !req
316. This mother fucker
has lost his mind.Copy !req
317. God damn!Copy !req
318. And Leonard takes
a slug to the leg.Copy !req
319. Oh, but I'll tell you
something, Rob,Copy !req
320. you noticed he shot him
below the waist,Copy !req
321. so it's not attempted murder.Copy !req
322. That was very intelligent
on Quills' part.Copy !req
323. Quills knows the law.Copy !req
324. This is why black people
don't have nothing.Copy !req
325. This is just what
they want us to do.Copy !req
326. Your mother ain't shit.Copy !req
327. And just in time, here comes
dumb ass Ashy Larry.Copy !req
328. Where the dice?
Where the dice?Copy !req
329. - Where the dice?
- Yo, give me that money, son!Copy !req
330. Go upstairs and put on
some lotion, right now!Copy !req
331. Keisha told me
just to empty the trash.Copy !req
332. Well, Rob, I got to admit,Copy !req
333. I saw this robbery coming
from a mile away,Copy !req
334. which is why I put
my car keys up my ass.Copy !req
335. Quick thinking.Copy !req
336. That's right, bitch.
Get them Goddamn clothes off.Copy !req
337. Get that money up.
Get that money up!Copy !req
338. Okay, okay.Copy !req
339. So on behalf of Bill Burr
and Quills,Copy !req
340. I'm Robert Petkoff saying—Copy !req
341. Get that ring off.
Get that ring off, man!Copy !req
342. Sorry, honey.Copy !req
343. So long from the Marcy projectsCopy !req
344. and the world series of dice.Copy !req
345. Hopefully, next year,Copy !req
346. we'll be able to get
all the way through it,Copy !req
347. but probably not.Copy !req
348. Shut the fuck up, man!Copy !req
349. Put them cameras in a box!Copy !req
350. Whoo.Copy !req
351. We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.Copy !req
352. Don't go anywhere.Copy !req
353. We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.Copy !req
354. Look out.Copy !req
355. Hey, welcome back, guys.Copy !req
356. Welcome back.Copy !req
357. I'm just handling mine.
That's all.Copy !req
358. Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.Copy !req
359. I'm Dave,
and I keep it real.Copy !req
360. Sometimes, "Keeping it real"
can go horribly wrong.Copy !req
361. We got to pick our spots.Copy !req
362. It's good to be real sometimes.Copy !req
363. It's good to be phony sometimes.Copy !req
364. Yes, I said it.
Phony!Copy !req
365. You think I'm this nice
in real life?Copy !req
366. Fuck that, son!Copy !req
367. It's because I'm on T.V.Copy !req
368. I'm wild!Copy !req
369. I pull my balls out right now.
I don't care.Copy !req
370. Skeet, skeet,
skeet, skeet!Copy !req
371. If you don't believe me
that "Keeping it real"Copy !req
372. ain't the best thing,
then take a look at this.Copy !req
373. You're watchingCopy !req
374. "When 'keeping it real'
goes wrong."Copy !req
375. Vernon Franklin
was an exceptional young man.Copy !req
376. He was the valedictorian
of his high school class,Copy !req
377. won several scholarships,Copy !req
378. and became the first person
in his family to attend college.Copy !req
379. He got a good job and worked
14-hour days six days a week,Copy !req
380. quickly becoming
the youngest Vice presidentCopy !req
381. in the history of
the ViaCorp Corporation,Copy !req
382. ending the cycle of violence
and drug addictionCopy !req
383. that had plagued his family
for generations.Copy !req
384. The officers of his company
were wrapping up the usualCopy !req
385. Thursday meeting
in the south conference roomCopy !req
386. when Frank Murphy,
the man who had mentored Vernon,Copy !req
387. made an awkward comment.Copy !req
388. Vernon, great job, buddy!Copy !req
389. You the man!Copy !req
390. Give me some skin, huh?Copy !req
391. Vernon got alongCopy !req
392. with all of the people
he worked with,Copy !req
393. which in his heart of hearts
made him feelCopy !req
394. like an uncle Tom.Copy !req
395. Though he could've ignoredCopy !req
396. the simple comment
his mentor made,Copy !req
397. Vernon decided
to "Keep it real."Copy !req
398. Get your motherfucking hand
out of my face.Copy !req
399. You heard me, motherfucker.Copy !req
400. Get your hands out of my face!Copy !req
401. What do you think this is, man?Copy !req
402. Just shake my hand like a man!Copy !req
403. Here give me some five
on the backhand sideCopy !req
404. with all this crazy jive.Copy !req
405. That's bullshit.Copy !req
406. Want a little soft shoe?Copy !req
407. Should I juggle some
watermelons for you, boss?Copy !req
408. Fuck all that, nigga.Copy !req
409. Hey, Vernon, buddy—Copy !req
410. Get your motherfucking
hands off me, Frank!Copy !req
411. This ain't a game.Copy !req
412. This isn't the Vernon I know.Copy !req
413. Allow me reintroduce myself.
My name is Hov.Copy !req
414. You ain't never heard
that before, have ya?Copy !req
415. Rap music, gangsta.Copy !req
416. I used to beat
motherfuckers up just like you,Copy !req
417. just for walking around my way!Copy !req
418. Vernon.
Vernon, buddy—Copy !req
419. You better sit
the fuck down, Frank.Copy !req
420. - Excuse me?
- You sit down, bitch.Copy !req
421. Thug life!Copy !req
422. - You think it's a game, nigga?Copy !req
423. Wu-tang!Copy !req
424. Today, Vernon
works at sonny's filler-upCopy !req
425. on route 80 in new jersey.Copy !req
426. He makes $6.45 an hourCopy !req
427. and stinks of gasoline even
when he's not at the station.Copy !req
428. It's as real as it can be.Copy !req
429. A dollar?Copy !req
430. What am I gonna get
with a dollar, nigga?Copy !req
431. I got kids, and that's real.Copy !req
432. Vernon Franklin.Copy !req
433. Once a heartwarming story
of perseverance.Copy !req
434. Wu-tang!Copy !req
435. Today,
a sparkling exampleCopy !req
436. of when "Keeping it real"
goes wrong.Copy !req
437. We're gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all.Copy !req
438. We'll be right back
after these messages.Copy !req
439. The greatest show.Copy !req
440. Tonight's musical guests,Copy !req
441. two of Chicago's finest MCs,Copy !req
442. give it up for Common
and Kanye West.Copy !req
443. Common sense, yeah.Copy !req
444. Yeah, it's common senseCopy !req
445. with Kanye West
on the Dave Chappelle showCopy !req
446. everybody got to eat,
right, y'all?Copy !req
447. It's the food, baby.Copy !req
448. Common and Kanye.Copy !req
449. Like to thank you guys
for watching.Copy !req
450. I'll see you next week.Copy !req
451. I'm out.Copy !req
452. I'm rich, biatch.Copy !req
453. Hi.
Thank you.Copy !req
454. Get your motherfucking hands
off me, man.Copy !req
455. You trying to get choked?Copy !req
456. I seen people shit on the street
'cause they ain't got no toilet.Copy !req
457. This isn't the Vernon I know.Copy !req
458. What'd you say?Copy !req
459. You think this is a game?Copy !req
460. You think
this is a fucking game?Copy !req
461. Roc-a-fella!Copy !req
462. Now tell me, brother.Copy !req