1. Let's start the show.Copy !req
2. You've just met
that special someone,Copy !req
3. and you're letting
your desire for each otherCopy !req
4. take you to incredible heights.Copy !req
5. But these days,Copy !req
6. you can never be too sure
they aren't going to disputeCopy !req
7. whether the sex was consensual.Copy !req
8. Mm, mm— wait a minute.Copy !req
9. Wait a minute.
Before we go any further...Copy !req
10. Which is why this night
calls for the love contract.Copy !req
11. - What's this?
- Nothing.Copy !req
12. It's just a document saying that
you're a willing participantCopy !req
13. in this sexual experience, baby.Copy !req
14. Well, I am.Copy !req
15. Just sign here and here...Copy !req
16. And initial there for oral.Copy !req
17. - Oral?
- I'ma do you too.Copy !req
18. Okay.Copy !req
19. And just initial there
if you decline anal.Copy !req
20. Unless, of course, you—Copy !req
21. No, no, no,
it's not going down.Copy !req
22. Pretty much standard.
Okay.Copy !req
23. I don't know about you,
but I'm still horny.Copy !req
24. Let's do this, girl.Copy !req
25. Oh...
Oh, make me feel good!Copy !req
26. The love contract.Copy !req
27. Because you'd hate
to catch a beefCopy !req
28. for something
you know you didn't do.Copy !req
29. And now...Copy !req
30. Yow!Copy !req
31. Ah...Copy !req
32. Oh...Copy !req
33. Well, that didn't take
too long.Copy !req
34. I know.Copy !req
35. Just do me a favor, okay?Copy !req
36. Don't tell anybody about this.Copy !req
37. From the makers
of the love contractCopy !req
38. comes the confidentiality
agreement.Copy !req
39. Don't worry.Copy !req
40. I'm not gonna tell anybody.Copy !req
41. I know you won't,Copy !req
42. or I'll sue your ass.Copy !req
43. Kobe!Copy !req
44. Available at all Walbog's.Copy !req
45. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
46. Dave Chappelle!Copy !req
47. Oh, boy!Copy !req
48. Hey, everybody.Copy !req
49. Hey, man.Copy !req
50. Welcome to Chappelle's Show.Copy !req
51. How about that love contract?Copy !req
52. That might be a Hollywood joke,
you know.Copy !req
53. Hollywood's a crazy place.Copy !req
54. I don't know if you guys know
people that work in HollywoodCopy !req
55. or talk to people—
There's a guyCopy !req
56. that does sketches
on our show, Charlie Murphy.Copy !req
57. He was, like, Tyree
in The Mad Real World.Copy !req
58. That's Eddie Murphy's
older brother.Copy !req
59. A lot of people
don't know that,Copy !req
60. but he used to just tell us
stories at lunchtimeCopy !req
61. about being in Hollywood
that were so crazy.Copy !req
62. And he told us one story
that was so goodCopy !req
63. we had to have him come hereCopy !req
64. and tell it
for you guys tonight.Copy !req
65. Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise—Copy !req
66. Charlie Murphy's
true Hollywood stories.Copy !req
67. I get out the navy,
my brother's famous.Copy !req
68. His fame is exploding.Copy !req
69. I'm real proud of that,
you know what I mean?Copy !req
70. I'm getting to hang out
with peopleCopy !req
71. that I only read about
in magazinesCopy !req
72. and seen, you know,
on the screen somewhere.Copy !req
73. I'm, like, standing
next to themCopy !req
74. and being
at dinner tables with themCopy !req
75. and, you know,
it was a bug-out, man.Copy !req
76. You know,
I was a huge Rick James fan.Copy !req
77. That's the first person
that I would sayCopy !req
78. out of all
the celebrities that I metCopy !req
79. that I was star-struck.Copy !req
80. We gonna hang out
with Rick James tonight,Copy !req
81. you know what I'm saying?Copy !req
82. And here he comes out the room,
when I look at him—Copy !req
83. and I'm not
bullshitting you, man,Copy !req
84. I seen, like,Copy !req
85. like an orange—
his aura or whatever,Copy !req
86. I seen it.Copy !req
87. It was orange.Copy !req
88. He started kicking it.Copy !req
89. And he was
mad niggerish, man,Copy !req
90. which was, you know,
right up my alley.Copy !req
91. I'm one of the baddest
motherfuckers of all time.Copy !req
92. I'm one of the best singersCopy !req
93. and one of the best-lookin'
motherfuckers you've ever seen.Copy !req
94. Hold my drink, bitch.Copy !req
95. He'd walk up to any chickCopy !req
96. and lick the whole side
of their face, man.Copy !req
97. I'm Rick James, bitch.Copy !req
98. Enjoy yourself.Copy !req
99. We got closer,
started hanging out.Copy !req
100. My brother didn't do
any of this shit.Copy !req
101. So at night,
when Eddie would break out,Copy !req
102. we would all be getting
crazy and wild.Copy !req
103. And if I was hanging with Rick,Copy !req
104. he had this thing with meCopy !req
105. where he used to always,
like, fuck with me, man.Copy !req
106. I don't know what started it.Copy !req
107. Charlie, he was hanging out
with the big dogs, you know?Copy !req
108. Charlie, he didn't know
he was doing crazy thingsCopy !req
109. and I had to straighten him out.Copy !req
110. Sometimes I had to go
upside his head.Copy !req
111. Things escalated
to the point where, you know,Copy !req
112. my man got too familiarCopy !req
113. and I ended up having
to whip his ass, man,Copy !req
114. you know, because,Copy !req
115. you know, he would
step across the line.Copy !req
116. Habitually.
He's a habitual line-stepper.Copy !req
117. The first time, you know,Copy !req
118. I had to end up
whipping his ass, uh...Copy !req
119. We went to Studio 54.Copy !req
120. We walkin' up
into the VIP section and, um,Copy !req
121. I'm looking around
to see who's thereCopy !req
122. and lookin' at the girls
and everything.Copy !req
123. And all of a sudden
I heard someone go...Copy !req
124. Charlie Murphy!Copy !req
125. He had this ring onCopy !req
126. to commemorate this song
he had put out called Unity.Copy !req
127. And this was imprinted
in that black head of hisCopy !req
128. for at least a week.Copy !req
129. Eddie and everybody elseCopy !req
130. thought that that was
the funniest shit.Copy !req
131. And so that threw me in
a weird space,Copy !req
132. 'cause I'm like,
yeah, this is Rick James.Copy !req
133. He's a star.Copy !req
134. I'm Rick James, bitch.Copy !req
135. This is a celebration, bitch.Copy !req
136. Maybe I'm overreacting.Copy !req
137. I actually went there, like,Copy !req
138. "Maybe I shouldn't do nothing."Copy !req
139. But my ghetto side was goin',Copy !req
140. "Yo, stomp this motherfucker
out right here.Copy !req
141. What the fuck
is wrong with him?"Copy !req
142. I drunk some wineCopy !req
143. and I'm just getting started,
bitches.Copy !req
144. He totally
just wrote me off.Copy !req
145. Like, I'm that nigga
to steal on,Copy !req
146. you know what I'm sayin'?Copy !req
147. What, he's gonna slap me back?Copy !req
148. I'm Rick James.
He's Charlie Murphy.Copy !req
149. - I waited, 'cause I knew
what hotel he was stayin' in.Copy !req
150. Eddie and them went homeCopy !req
151. and I said,
"Yo, I'll be right back."Copy !req
152. I shot over to the hotel,
went up to his room,Copy !req
153. knocked on the door.Copy !req
154. - So then he comes in there.Copy !req
155. And I said,
"Look, bitch, I'm Rick James."Copy !req
156. Smacked him.Copy !req
157. Oh, Charlie Murphy!Copy !req
158. - He had his head cocked
to throw another right hand.Copy !req
159. When he was coming for it,
I just came—blaow!Copy !req
160. I caught him
with the front.Copy !req
161. He'll tell it
like he gave meCopy !req
162. some kind of Bruce Lee crosskick
or somethin'.Copy !req
163. I kicked the shit
out of him, man.Copy !req
164. The wind is knocked out of him.Copy !req
165. And then he screams out...Copy !req
166. Security!Copy !req
167. - The one in the front,
he had crooked eyes and shit.Copy !req
168. His one eye was lookin' at me.Copy !req
169. The other one
was looking at Rick.Copy !req
170. Rick had edged over
by the window.Copy !req
171. Now, darkness,
the tables are turned.Copy !req
172. Do with him whatever you like.Copy !req
173. You motherfuckers
take one more step,Copy !req
174. I'm kickin' this nigga out
the motherfuckin' window.Copy !req
175. Bobby, freeze!Copy !req
176. You know you was wrong
for what you did to me earlier.Copy !req
177. Look what you did
to my face.Copy !req
178. I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy.
It was an accident.Copy !req
179. I was having too much fun.Copy !req
180. I'll offer you a truce.Copy !req
181. The stickiest of the icky.Copy !req
182. You want to smoke
with the old boy, Rick James?Copy !req
183. Yo, man, my forehead
is bumpin', man.Copy !req
184. Now that you mention it,Copy !req
185. I think I'm bleeding
inside my chest.Copy !req
186. But I got the medicine.Copy !req
187. Bitch, come over hereCopy !req
188. and have sex
with Charlie Murphy.Copy !req
189. I'm Rick James, bitch.Copy !req
190. That was how
that particular incident ended,Copy !req
191. but it wasn't the last time
I had to whip his ass...Copy !req
192. Whip his ass...
Whip his ass.Copy !req
193. Don't you think
Charlie's a little oldCopy !req
194. to be taking Karate?Copy !req
195. He probably takin' it
with the little kids.Copy !req
196. Yeah, Charlie whipped my ass
in his dreams.Copy !req
197. I told you, Charlie hadCopy !req
198. delusions of grandeur
in his head.Copy !req
199. I'm telling you
what was happening.Copy !req
200. I'm Rick James, bitch.Copy !req
201. You guys at home,
stay comfortable,Copy !req
202. because the whole episode's
gonna be just like this.Copy !req
203. We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show...Copy !req
204. How's this?Copy !req
205. We're back with more
Chappelle's Show...Copy !req
206. You know, folks,Copy !req
207. I don't know if you guys
are just joining us,Copy !req
208. but if you missed
the first act,Copy !req
209. Charlie and Rick James are
in the midst of a conflict.Copy !req
210. Let's see how the ongoingCopy !req
211. Charlie and Rick James
feud develops.Copy !req
212. The Studio 54 thing,
you know, that blew over,Copy !req
213. you know what I'm saying?Copy !req
214. But then, you know,
here we go again.Copy !req
215. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.Copy !req
216. Rick is encouraging me.Copy !req
217. You know, he shows up at
my brother's house fucked up.Copy !req
218. Nice place, nigga.Copy !req
219. So he had
these dirty cowboy boots on.Copy !req
220. Pushing us out of the way,
barged in the house.Copy !req
221. My brother had
these brand-new couches.Copy !req
222. They were suede, right?Copy !req
223. And he gets on the couch
and says...Copy !req
224. Why don't I stretch out?Copy !req
225. - And just started grinding mud
all into the couch, man.Copy !req
226. Yeah, I remember
grinding my feetCopy !req
227. into Eddie's couch.Copy !req
228. - You remember why you did it?Copy !req
229. Because Eddie
could buy another one.Copy !req
230. Fuck your couch, nigga.Copy !req
231. Buy another one,
you rich motherfucker.Copy !req
232. Fuck yo' couch, nigga!Copy !req
233. Fuck yo' couch!Copy !req
234. Darkness's,
darknesse's...Copy !req
235. 'Cause of my complexion
he used to call me darkness.Copy !req
236. He calls me
and my brother darkness.Copy !req
237. He always says,
"Darkness brothers."Copy !req
238. See, this is long before
Wesley Snipes.Copy !req
239. Back then, we was the blackest
niggas on the planetCopy !req
240. according to Rick James.Copy !req
241. Eddie—both of them
were brother darkness.Copy !req
242. Twin brother darkness.Copy !req
243. - And we standing there,
looking at him,Copy !req
244. and he's looking
right in our eyesCopy !req
245. as he grinds his mud.Copy !req
246. See, I never just did things
just to do them.Copy !req
247. Come on, I mean,
what am I gonna do?Copy !req
248. Just, all of a sudden,Copy !req
249. just jump up and grind my feet
on somebody's couchCopy !req
250. like it's, you know,
something to do?Copy !req
251. Come on, I got a little
more sense than that.Copy !req
252. Yeah, I remember grinding
my feet on Eddie's couch.Copy !req
253. see, I never just did things
just to do them.Copy !req
254. Come on, I mean,
what am I gonna do?Copy !req
255. Just, all of a sudden,Copy !req
256. just jump up and grind my feet
on somebody's couchCopy !req
257. like it's something to do?Copy !req
258. Come on, I got a little
more sense than that.Copy !req
259. Yeah, I remember grinding
my feet on Eddie's couch.Copy !req
260. But then it was like,Copy !req
261. "You know what?
Let's handle this."Copy !req
262. We went over there...Copy !req
263. Hey, Charlie Murphy!Copy !req
264. - And we held him down,Copy !req
265. and we just wailed on his legs.Copy !req
266. Aah!Copy !req
267. Aah, you darkness...Copy !req
268. You black, midnight
evil motherfucker!Copy !req
269. Black magic, darkness!Copy !req
270. You're all darkness!Copy !req
271. You're fuckin'...
Delirious motherfucker...Copy !req
272. Aah!Copy !req
273. You are cold as ice.Copy !req
274. - But still, Rick James,Copy !req
275. even after taking
a beating like that...Copy !req
276. Fuck yo' couch, nigga.Copy !req
277. This motherfucker's goin' out.Copy !req
278. His legs is like,
like, linguine.Copy !req
279. I've been kicked out
of better homes than this!Copy !req
280. I'll be back,
you black motherfuckers!Copy !req
281. Wide-nose-havin' motherfuckers!Copy !req
282. They should've never
gave you niggas money!Copy !req
283. You don't know how
to appreciate shit!Copy !req
284. You know you can
get another couch!Copy !req
285. What am I gonna do
about my legs, Eddie Murphy!Copy !req
286. My brother, you know,Copy !req
287. he's a lot more compassionate
than I am.Copy !req
288. He's looking and the Limo's
drivin' off, and he said,Copy !req
289. "Wow, man,
Rick really needs help."Copy !req
290. And I was like,
"Yo, we just gave him some help.Copy !req
291. Bust his fuckin' ass and shit.Copy !req
292. I bet you
he won't come over hereCopy !req
293. and disrespect
like that again."Copy !req
294. Wrong.
Wrong.Copy !req
295. We're talkin' about
Rick James, man.Copy !req
296. Cocaine's a hell of a drug.Copy !req
297. I'm Rick James, bitch.Copy !req
298. Don't go nowhere.Copy !req
299. We'll be right backCopy !req
300. with more of Charlie Murphy's
true Hollywood stories.Copy !req
301. Better not bring your kids!Copy !req
302. Alright.Copy !req
303. And now,
ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
304. it is time
for the dramatic conclusionCopy !req
305. of Charlie Murphy's
true Hollywood stories.Copy !req
306. I had to fuck him up at 54.Copy !req
307. You know,
for what he did at 54,Copy !req
308. I had to go to his hotel room
and kick the shit out of him.Copy !req
309. Then he came over
to my brother's house,Copy !req
310. and I had to whip his legsCopy !req
311. because of what he did
on the couch.Copy !req
312. I heard him tell a storyCopy !req
313. that he came
into the China Club one timeCopy !req
314. and I was behind the bar.Copy !req
315. Now, this is true.Copy !req
316. - This particular night,Copy !req
317. I go over to the China Club,Copy !req
318. and, um, I walk in,
and I'll never forget—Copy !req
319. the first thing I seen
was OJ Simpson.Copy !req
320. I remember thinking to myself,Copy !req
321. "Wow, that's OJ Simpson!Copy !req
322. He has a big fuckin' head, man."Copy !req
323. And I walk from there,
I went in the other section,Copy !req
324. and there's Rick behind the bar.Copy !req
325. Drink up! Be merry!Copy !req
326. Welcome to the China Club.Copy !req
327. A China chung-chang,
a China chung-chung chang.Copy !req
328. Rick's, you know, being Rick.Copy !req
329. - Come on, baby,
show me your titties.Copy !req
330. I'm Rick James.
Do something!Copy !req
331. Mmm...
Mmm...Copy !req
332. I wish I had more handsCopy !req
333. so I could give those titties
four thumbs down.Copy !req
334. I ain't realize
how high he was.Copy !req
335. Next thing you know,
he's like...Copy !req
336. Charlie Murphy!Copy !req
337. What's up, partner?Copy !req
338. Darkness, everybody, darkness!Copy !req
339. Everyone, darkness is spreading!Copy !req
340. Come over here, Charlie.Copy !req
341. I'm behind the bar
and I'm serving drinks,Copy !req
342. and Charlie bends over.Copy !req
343. I call out,
"Charlie, come here."Copy !req
344. Charlie, there's a new joke
going around.Copy !req
345. Have you heard it?Copy !req
346. What did the five fingers
say to the face?Copy !req
347. What?Copy !req
348. Slap!Copy !req
349. Bang, bang!Copy !req
350. I'm Rick James, bitch!Copy !req
351. Everybody, King Kong
ain't got shit on me!Copy !req
352. - I'm standing there.
I'm thinking,Copy !req
353. this nigga really has lost
his fuckin' mind.Copy !req
354. First of all,
you don't slap a man.Copy !req
355. Slap!Copy !req
356. Okay?Copy !req
357. I mean, even when slapping
was fashionable, you know,Copy !req
358. they did it in Paris,
the guy would come up,Copy !req
359. whap-whap—
"I challenge you to a duel!"Copy !req
360. They would have a gun fight
after that.Copy !req
361. Somebody had to go!Copy !req
362. - I just was bugging out.Copy !req
363. Anyway, I waited for
about five minutes,Copy !req
364. something like that.Copy !req
365. That's right, bitch.Copy !req
366. That's right, bitch.Copy !req
367. Ahh, darkness!Copy !req
368. What's up, man?Copy !req
369. Darkness!Copy !req
370. Check it out.
Check it out.Copy !req
371. I want to tell you somethin'.
Come here.Copy !req
372. Oh, what's goin' on?Copy !req
373. Ow!Copy !req
374. - I slapped
the shit out of him.Copy !req
375. Goddamn!Copy !req
376. I came down on it
like this.Copy !req
377. Ow!Copy !req
378. Ah!
Goddamn.Copy !req
379. His extensions was flyin'
all over the place.Copy !req
380. That is absurd!Copy !req
381. And he stepped backCopy !req
382. and his eyes welled up
with waterCopy !req
383. like he was getting ready
to cry, and he said...Copy !req
384. Why you hit me like that,
Charlie?Copy !req
385. 'Cause you hit me, man!Copy !req
386. That was weeks ago,
motherfucker.Copy !req
387. - I was partying!
- No, that was tonight!Copy !req
388. - And I see that
he really forgot.Copy !req
389. I hit you tonight?Copy !req
390. Cocaine's a hell of a drug.Copy !req
391. I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy.Copy !req
392. Come here, darkness.Copy !req
393. Ha!Copy !req
394. It's a celebration!Copy !req
395. Bitches!
Come here.Copy !req
396. It's a celebration, bitches.Copy !req
397. Show Charlie Murphy
your titties.Copy !req
398. I'm Rick James.Copy !req
399. The milk's gone bad, Murphy.Copy !req
400. That was the ebb and flow.Copy !req
401. It was, you know—
he would go over the top,Copy !req
402. and then I would, you know,
check him.Copy !req
403. And then we would have fun
after that.Copy !req
404. We're still friends,
as a matter of fact.Copy !req
405. I love Charlie Murphy.Copy !req
406. But we'd have it out, smacking
each other upside the heads,Copy !req
407. smacking each other
in the face,Copy !req
408. punching each other
in the chest,Copy !req
409. kick each other.Copy !req
410. Fuck yo' couch, nigga!Copy !req
411. Fuck yo' couch!Copy !req
412. Ow!Copy !req
413. They should've never
gave you niggas money!Copy !req
414. Can you imagine
two grown men doing this?Copy !req
415. Cocaine's a hell of a drug.Copy !req
416. I must be losing my mind.Copy !req
417. Reminiscing about Charlie Murphy
come kicking my ass.Copy !req
418. Ain't that a "b"?Copy !req
419. I'm Rick James, bitch.Copy !req
420. I would like to thank
Charlie Murphy,Copy !req
421. I would like to thank
Rick James,Copy !req
422. and I would like
to thank cocaineCopy !req
423. for bringing us
such a crazy story.Copy !req
424. I'm Dave Chappelle.Copy !req
425. You're the best audience
in the world.Copy !req
426. I'm out!Copy !req
427. How does Rick James
pick up girls in the '80s?Copy !req
428. How did I pick up girls
in the '80s?Copy !req
429. I didn't have to say much.Copy !req
430. Charlie had to go
through this whole thing.Copy !req
431. "Uh, can I buy you a drink?
Uh... uh...Copy !req
432. "What sign are you?Copy !req
433. This is my friend Rick James.
We goin' to Rick James' house."Copy !req
434. That's how Charlie picked up
girls after the drinking.Copy !req
435. "We goin' over to Rick's house
after the club.Copy !req
436. You want to come?"Copy !req
437. Charlie used my name
to pick up girls.Copy !req