Chappelle's Show 2x2

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Dave looks at what it would be like to have a black version of watermelon-smashing comedian Gallagher. Paul Mooney plays "Negrodamus" and Dave plays Calvin, who gets a job at WacArnolds. Also featuring music performer DMX.

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1. Let's start the show.

2. Ladies and gentlemen.

3. Dave Chappelle!

4. Whoa!

5. Hey, hey.

6. Wow.

7. Man.

8. Hey, little guy.

9. All right, thank you so much.

10. Ever see that, uh, commercial

11. where that guy, Calvin, gets a job at a fast food restaurant?

12. Remember that commercial?

13. That guy Calvin would get a job at a fast food restaurant

14. and they act like that's the best thing that could happen

15. to a guy in the ghetto—

16. like the whole neighborhood's excited,

17. like this is gonna end poverty.

18. "Calvin, you gettin' this job is the signpost

19. to a new era in the Black community.

20. "Thank you, fast food restaurant."

21. That's not what it's like to work at a fast food—

22. people aren't proud of you.

23. Let's see what would happen to Calvin

24. if he really had a job in fast food.

25. Look at that, Calvin's got a job.

26. Hey, Calvin.

27. Way to go, young blood, way to go.

28. WacArnold's is proud to give young African Americans

29. an opportunity to serve their communities,

30. making them feel responsible

31. for the welfare of their own environment.

32. Afternoon, ladies.

33. Eww, nigga, you smell like French fries.

34. Well, see, hold up.

35. Now, that's just a week into it.

36. Let's see what happens with Calvin,

37. like, three weeks into it.

38. Well, here you go, Calvin.

39. My first check.

40. Thank you, sir.

41. WacArnold's is proud to give young African Americans

42. an opportunity to serve their communities,

43. making them feel responsible

44. for the welfare of their own environment.

45. Look at that, Calvin's got a job.

46. Hey, Calvin.

47. Hey, miss Harvey, got my first paycheck.

48. That's good, Calvin, very good.

49. Way to go, young blood. Gettin' paid, gettin' paid.

50. Ay, yo, I heard Calvin got a job.

51. Man, I'm proud of him.

52. - Let's Rob that nigga, man. - Yeah, son.

53. Pretty rough.

54. Why don't we check in with Calvin two months later?

55. WacArnold's is proud to give young African Americans

56. an opportunity to serve their communities,

57. making them feel responsible

58. for the welfare of their own environment.

59. Hey, where's miss Harvey?

60. Oh, she died, Calvin— of high cholesterol.

61. Too much WacArnold's.

62. Damn, Calvin, you look beat the hell up.

63. - What's up, fry guy? - Punk bitch.

64. Corny-ass nigga.

65. Yo, Calvin, it's a thin line between fries and shakes.

66. I need to stop smokin' this shit, here, brother.

67. Hey, brought y'all home some dinner from work.

68. Calvin, you can't keep feedin'

69. me and your baby hamburgers

70. and French fries every goddamn night.

71. Well, what the hell do you expect me to do?

72. Nigga, get a real job.

73. Bitch, WacArnold's has given me an opportunity

74. to serve my community and feel responsible

75. for the welfare of my own environment.

76. Don't give me that triflin'-ass bullshit!

77. I'm under a lot of pressure,

78. hey and whose gloves are these?

79. Huh?

80. Who you fuckin', OJ?

81. What is this?

82. Calvin, you're always working.

83. Oh, you fuckin' Defari!

84. I seen that African leavin' here when I was comin' in.

85. Well, shit, if you was here a little bit more!

86. WacArnold's is tearing this family apart!

87. You know miss Harvey died.

88. Oh, man.

89. The baby.

90. The baby's crying.

91. See, and guess what?

92. The rib sandwich is comin' back on Tuesday.

93. Guess who ain't gettin' one?

94. I don't eat pork, anyway.

95. You damn right you don't eat pork

96. 'cause I ain't givin' you none.

97. I ain't givin' you no hamburgers, no apple pies.

98. I ain't givin' you shit!

99. Calvin got that all locked down.

100. If you want some WacArnold's, you got to go through me.

101. You're cut off!

102. You're cut off!

103. I'm Calvin around here.

104. You know about me?

105. Everybody know I got a job.

106. All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

107. Don't go anywhere, we'll be right back

108. with more Chappelle's Show.

109. Welcome back.

110. Welcome back, everybody.

111. Uh...

112. Thanks, guys.

113. So, last season, I had Paul Mooney

114. on the show do a segment

115. called "ask a Black dude."

116. And I asked him, I said,

117. "Paul, we gotta do that again this year."

118. He said, "oh, I can't do it, homie."

119. But I'll do you one better.

120. And he put me on to the hottest psychic ever

121. in the history of the world.

122. So, please, America, make some noise

123. for Paul Mooney as Negrodamus.

124. What's the meaning of life?

125. Who is my real father?

126. Will I ever find a husband?

127. Am I gonna get sick?

128. [man 1] Does god really exist?

129. For centuries,

130. people have turned to one man

131. for the answer to life's great mysteries.

132. That man is Negrodamus.

133. You, sir.

134. Negrodamus,

135. what mistakes did Michael Jackson make

136. before he got arrested?

137. Michael Jackson...

138. Should have not been a singer.

139. Michael Jackson should have been a priest.

140. Then he would've just been transferred.

141. You, ma'am.

142. Negrodamus, why is President Bush

143. so sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?

144. Because he has the receipt.

145. Next question.

146. Rosie O'Donnell

147. shall have a sex change.

148. She will become a man

149. and marry Liza Minnelli's husband and beat him.

150. Grazie, grazie mille, grazie.

151. Next.

152. Hi, Negrodamus.

153. What will happen to Star Jones on the view?

154. Star Jones, I'm getting something.

155. Star Jones will have two jobs.

156. First, she'll do the view.

157. Then she'll take her wig off and do the weather.

158. Thank you, Negrodamus.

159. For centuries,

160. people have turned to one man

161. for the answer to life's great mysteries.

162. That man is Negrodamus.

163. That's right.

164. Y'all remember that comedian, Gallagher?

165. Yeah.

166. Pretty corny, right?

167. He is, he was a corny dude.

168. Well, the thing people don't know about Gallagher—

169. I don't know if you know this or not,

170. it might just be something comedians know—

171. He had a twin brother.

172. Did you know that?

173. He sold his act to his twin brother.

174. His twin brother goes on the road as Gallagher two.

175. Not makin' that up.

176. Here's even a lesser-known fact.

177. His twin brother

178. sold the act to a Black guy named Earl Wallingford.

179. And the Black dude went out as Black Gallagher.

180. I have tape of his special.

181. It's ridiculous.

182. Where are the weapons of mass destruction?

183. That's what I'm talkin' about.

184. Osama bin Laden.

185. Why don't they call him, "Osama been hiding."

186. Hope you like my outfit.

187. The queer guys came by and had an eye for me.

188. Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers, Orange Stars?

189. That leprechaun's on acid.

190. He's crazy.

191. He's crazy.

192. He's crazy like me.

193. Are you ready to smash some fruit?

194. Can't hear you.

195. Pee on US!

196. Yeah, you wanna smash some fruit, yeah?

197. Smash some fruit, you Black son of a bitch.

198. Well, Black Gallagher

199. doesn't go out like no punk bitch with a mallet.

200. Black Gallagher, bitch! That's right!

201. I got warrants.

202. We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

203. But don't go anywhere, everybody.

204. We got more show coming up right after this.

205. Hey, gang.

206. Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

207. Up top beside the sound, it's good to see ya.

208. Man, this is crazy, man.

209. All right, last season, we started the series off

210. with a sketch about a black white supremacist.

211. Very controversial.

212. Yes, it was very...

213. It sparked this whole controversy

214. about the appropriateness of the...

215. The "N" word, the dreaded "N" word.

216. Then when I would travel, people would come up to me,

217. white people would come up to me, like,

218. "man, that sketch you did about them niggers, that was..."

219. Take it easy.

220. I was joking around.

221. You start to realize these sketches,

222. in the wrong hands, are dangerous.

223. You know, and that "N" word is a doozie.

224. Especially for us Black folks.

225. You know, a lot of different feelings come up

226. when they hear that word.

227. But I'm thinking, is it because

228. Black people actually identify themselves as "N" words?

229. No, I don't know, maybe.

230. But what if we just use the word for other people?

231. Would it be so bad? I don't know.

232. So I made a sketch.

233. It's about a white family

234. whose last name happens to be "Niggar", that's all.

235. Let's see how offensive the word sounds now.

236. Breakfast is served.

237. Look, hon, my sister just had another baby.

238. Look at this little bundle of joy.

239. She's got those Niggar lips.

240. I know, so thin.

241. Is Tim still asleep?

242. I think so.

243. He sure is one lazy Niggar.

244. Good morning, Mom. Morning, Dad.

245. Good morning.

246. You know, Tim, we're having a dinner party tonight.

247. I trust you'll be here.

248. Oh, I can't.

249. I have my first big date with Jenny Halstead.

250. Oh.

251. Jenny has a date tonight with the Niggar boy from school.

252. What? Oh, god, no!

253. No, daddy, that's his name.

254. Timmy Niggar.

255. Oh, of course, that Niggar.

256. He's a very good athlete and so well-spoken.

257. That family's going places.

258. I mean, we're rich. They're Niggar rich.

259. Oh, Bill.

260. Mornin', Niggars!

261. Why, it's Clifton, our colored milkman.

262. And this is my favorite family to deliver milk to.

263. The Niggars!

264. Mmm-mm!

265. Somethin' sho' smells good.

266. You Niggars cookin'?

267. We sure are.

268. There's some leftover bacon if you'd like some.

269. Ooh, none for me.

270. I know better than to get between

271. a Niggar and their pork.

272. Might get my fingers bit.

273. Here you go.

274. I, I hate to bother you about this.

275. But, uh, well, you didn't pay your bill last week.

276. And I know how forgetful you Niggars are

277. when it comes to paying bills.

278. Golly, Clifton, it slipped my mind.

279. Here you go.

280. Sorry about that.

281. Oh, Niggar, please.

282. Niggar, please!

283. Well, take care, Mr. "N" word.

284. I have a hot date with the wife tonight.

285. All right, take care.

286. All right, peace, Niggar.

287. Niggars!

288. Stevenson, party of four.

289. Uh, Stevenson, party of four.

290. Table five, please. Bon Appetit.

291. Niggar, party of two, Niggar, party of two.

292. Lookie here, Jack!

293. Just because we're colored, doesn't mean

294. we came out here to be disrespected, okay?

295. Uh, we're the Niggar family.

296. Oh, hi, Clifton.

297. Oh, well, hello, little Niggar.

298. These are the Niggars I was telling you about.

299. Are you the Niggar that broke the bottle

300. over Ronnie's head at the dice game?

301. No, not that Niggar.

302. The Niggar from work. The milk route.

303. Oh, okay.

304. Have a nice meal.

305. I bet you'll get the finest table

306. a Niggar's ever got in this restaurant.

307. Ooh, whee!

308. Oh, lord, this racism is killing me inside.

309. Well, honey, put your dinner party face on.

310. Hello.

311. Well, you must be the wetbacks.

312. It's Sanchez.

313. And don't call us wetbacks, Niggar.

314. We find it offensive.

315. I'm just kidding, we are the wetbacks.

316. Wait'll we tell the Jews.

317. Oh, you're one crazy Niggar.

318. Niggars!

319. I'm Dave Chappelle.

320. You guys are the best audience in the world.

321. I'd like to thank you all.

322. I'd like to thank everybody at home.

323. And we'll see you next week!

324. I'm rich, biatch!

325. Hi, thank you.

326. You know why a dog licks his balls?

327. 'Cause they're salty.

328. Black Gallagher!

329. Rich people stink!

330. They smell like someone's been cooking Bologna in their shirt.

331. The sun is very far away from the earth, people.

332. But I'm hot.