Chappelle's Show 2x12

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Dave quits his show at Comedy Central and is promptly replaced by comedian Wayne Brady. Dave returns as crackhead Tyrone Biggums, who appears as a guest on "Fear Factor." Dave also hangs out with Wayne Brady, who proves to be unexpectedly menacing. Also featuring music performer Talib Kweli.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Ladies and gentlemen...

2. Dave Chappelle!

3. Man, thank you, guys.

4. Thanks, man.

5. What's up, everybody?

6. Yo, what's up, man?

7. Thank you, guys. Man, shoot.

8. Thank you, man.

9. Thanks— oh.

10. Oh, man, y'all got me, like—

11. you got me touched tonight.

12. I would actually cry,

13. but the reefer has dried my eyes out.

14. You know, I wish my grandmother could see me.

15. My grandmother gave me the best advice of my life.

16. She said, "You know, Dave,

17. everybody wants to be the first person

18. to do something.

19. Well, let me tell you something.

20. Don't ever be the first black person

21. to do anything."

22. Because anytime you hear

23. about the first black dude that did something,

24. it's a terrible story,

25. no matter how benign.

26. Imagine, like, who was the first black person

27. to take a shit on a white toilet?

28. Well, we did some research,

29. and I think you'll be surprised at what we found.

30. Good evening, I'm Philip Halston.

31. In 1954, the United States was marred with unrest.

32. With the bus boycotts in Montgomery

33. and "Brown versus the board of education"

34. still under deliberation,

35. the social climate was changing rapidly.

36. It was in this context that one man,

37. Cyrus Holloway, made history

38. when he took on the rural town of Hartsfield, Alabama.

39. I remember it was a hot day,

40. and I was working the double shift at the steel mill.

41. Between shifts, I went outside

42. and bought myself a roast beef sandwich

43. from a boy that used to sell them out front,

44. but little did I know that that roast beef sandwich

45. would change my life forever.

46. Not Long after lunch, I felt a bubbling in my stomach—

47. an evil bubbling.

48. A bubble that, to me, signified nothing else

49. but the early stages of mud butt.

50. I had to take a dump.

51. I had to take a dump immediately.

52. The closest colored bathroom was located

53. in the basement of the steel mill,

54. near the boiler room.

55. Oh, that toilet was disgusting.

56. Wasn't fit for Christian butt cheeks.

57. My only options at that time were,

58. I could either go doo-doo in my trousers,

59. which I couldn't do—

60. that was my only good pair at the time—

61. or I could use the White restroom.

62. It was risky, but so was mud butt.

63. Mr. Holloway proceeded to go to the white restroom

64. and take what would be known

65. as one of the most significant dumps

66. in American history.

67. After the historic dump began,

68. one of Holloway's co-workers, Austin Stringer,

69. entered the restroom.

70. He immediately called the local police,

71. who were being followed by a television crew.

72. There he is, officer!

73. Come out of there, Holloway.

74. With all due respect...

75. I got the mud butt.

76. While I was on the toilet, they sicced dogs on me.

77. sprayed me with water.

78. Good lord, it's mud butt!

79. Finally, I just let them haul me off to jail.

80. Book him.

81. Desecration of a white facility with negroid feces.

82. Here's your evidence.

83. I can make about three, four more bags of that

84. if you want, sir.

85. Cyrus was charged with using a white rest facility

86. and faced nine years in prison.

87. Word spread quickly around Hartsfield

88. and the nation at large.

89. Civil rights activists throughout the United States

90. descended on this tiny Alabama town

91. almost immediately.

92. My brothers and sisters,

93. we are gathered here today to discuss

94. matters of the cocka-dookie and the stinky-stinky.

95. - Yes! - Yes, sir!

96. I have a question to pose to the government.

97. Why can't my turd float next to yours?

98. Our voices will be heard!

99. It was the first and largest demonstration of its kind—

100. the nation's first shit-in.

101. No, my brothers and sisters. Do not run!

102. Turn your butt cheeks toward the aggressors,

103. and let them clean your butt cheeks

104. with the cascading water.

105. This is a good thing, my brothers and sisters.

106. The shit-in made national news,

107. and the American legal society picked up the case

108. and took it all the way to the supreme court.

109. In the case of Holloway versus the state of Alabama,

110. the supreme court rules in favor of Mr. Holloway.

111. It is my opinion that,

112. no matter what the color of your skin,

113. your feces will be Brown.

114. Except for the clay-colored ones

115. and, of course, the spinach Green.

116. And, no matter what the hue of your poo,

117. it will undoubtedly stink.

118. Good day.

119. By the time they read that verdict,

120. mud butt... mud butt was calling.

121. I suppose I was happy about winning.

122. I think what I was most happy about

123. was that I could get up from that courtroom

124. and use the toilet.

125. How you doing, Ms. Pippen?

126. Ahh!

127. I just remember going in that bathroom

128. and taking the first...

129. free dump that I'd ever taken in my life.

130. A beautiful dump.

131. As a matter of fact, the choir from my church came.

132. It is all just a matter

133. of the stinky-stinky and the cocka-dookie.

134. I'm Philip Halston. Good night.

135. We'll be right back with more Chappelle's show

136. after these messages.

137. Whoo!

138. Hello, and good evening.

139. It's me.

140. What?

141. It's me.

142. What?

143. It's me, Little Jon.

144. Okay!

145. I'm feeling lonely.

146. I feel like I just need to talk to someone

147. who will understand, and, well,

148. that someone is you, Jon.

149. Okay!

150. Don't you like Popsicles?

151. - What? - I said,

152. - don't you like Popsicles? - What?

153. I said, don't you like Popsicles?

154. Yeah!

155. - What? - Yeah!

156. Okay!

157. Sometimes I feel like I am all alone in this world,

158. - and I have no one to go to! - What?

159. I said, sometimes I feel like I'm all alone

160. in this world, and I have no one, sir!

161. What?

162. No one!

163. What?

164. - To go to. - Huh?

165. No one that understands my pain!

166. Yeah!

167. Yeah!

168. Sometimes when I'm alone,

169. I sit on my hand and wait till it gets numb

170. and masturbate.

171. I call that "A stranger."

172. Have you ever given yourself a stranger?

173. - What? - A stranger?

174. Yeah, yeah, I do.

175. Okay!

176. Yeah!

177. - Hold on.

178. They calling me.

179. Lil Jon? It's Oprah.

180. How are you?

181. Good. Listen, I'm pregnant.

182. Are you sure it's mine?

183. I'm sure. It's yours.

184. Ahh, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!

185. I love you.

186. Okay, bye-bye!

187. It was Oprah.

188. She's having our baby.

189. Yeah!

190. I can't hear you. My cell phone's breaking up.

191. I can't hear you.

192. Sounds like your phone is breaking up.

193. What?

194. What?

195. What?

196. What?

197. What?

198. What?

199. - Okay! - Yeah!

200. - Yeah! - Yeah!

201. - Yeah. - What?

202. - What? - Okay!

203. - Okay. - Yeah!

204. Affirmative. Huh?

205. Roger! Yeah!

206. What?

207. Melting down! Ahh!

208. Bye, nigger!

209. You've just watched

210. "A moment in the life of Lil Jon."

211. Hey, gang, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

212. Don't go anywhere.

213. Man, I'm bored.

214. I got to go to the Chappelle show.

215. Hey everybody. Welcome back.

216. Welcome back to the show.

217. You know, I've talked about a lot of things on the show.

218. I've made fun of so many different people.

219. And people say, Dave, you talk about everybody

220. except the President.

221. Why didn't you do that?

222. Well, 'cause he's the President.

223. Now, I know my limits, ladies and gentlemen,

224. and I wouldn't want to cross them,

225. but I will say this.

226. If our President were Black,

227. we would not be at war right now.

228. Not because a black person

229. wouldn't have done something like that.

230. It's because America wouldn't let a black person

231. do something like that

232. without asking them a million questions.

233. You know, they always do polls,

234. like, "Minorities just don't seem to trust the government.

235. Because you don't understand what it looks like for US

236. So let me help paint the picture.

237. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you now, "Black Bush."

238. President Bush continues

239. to make his case for an invasion of Iraq.

240. After carefully examining the region,

241. me and my cabinet agree that that area

242. is definitely ripe for regime change.

243. A'ight?

244. But if I can be real about it—

245. - Be real, son. - Real?

246. Be real real, son.

247. Tried to kill my father, man.

248. Word.

249. I don't play that shit.

250. Say word, he tried to kill your father, son.

251. That nigger tried to kill my father!

252. Word to everything we love,

253. we coming to see y'all, son.

254. Meanwhile, President Bush

255. and British Prime Minister Tony Blair

256. offered a spirited explanation for a possible war with Iraq.

257. This nigger very possibly has weapons of mass destruction.

258. I can't sleep on that.

259. Not on my watch!

260. That's not how I roll. That shit is serious!

261. Now, if you don't want to take my word for it,

262. why don't you ask Tony Blair?

263. He got a whole 'nother set of intelligence.

264. What's up, Tony?

265. We don't know much about Saddam,

266. but we can't trust random niggers

267. with things like that, as George so eloquently put it.

268. I'm with him 100% of the way.

269. We don't know what he has.

270. If the United States goes

271. to war with Iraq,

272. will it first have to provide evidence

273. that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction?

274. So far, the UN has found nothing,

275. but President Bush counters with this:

276. The nigger bought aluminum tubes!

277. Do I need to tell you

278. what the fuck you can do with an aluminum tube?

279. Aluminum!

280. That don't scare you?

281. Fine. I didn't want say this.

282. The motherfucker bought some yellow cake, okay, in Africa.

283. He went to Africa, and he bought yellow cake.

284. Are you sure?

285. Yes, I'm sure, bitch!

286. I got the Head of C. I. A. right here, he'll tell you!

287. What up? Are you sure?

288. Are you sure?

289. I can't believe you mother fuckers.

290. This is ridiculous. Ridiculous!

291. Me and Jeb just coming back from Africa.

292. Cradle of fucking civilization.

293. - And this nigger out here buying yellow cake.

294. From the motherland.

295. Are you sure it was yellow cake?

296. Y'all niggers don't believe me,

297. I got some yellow cake right here!

298. Look, you see? You believe this shit now?

299. Don't drop that shit!

300. I know. I know what to do with it!

301. That's why I got it wrapped up in this special C. I. A. napkin.

302. Just don't drop that shit here.

303. You better hope I don't drop this shit!

304. Pray to God you don't drop that shit.

305. Yellow cake.

306. Fucking right.

307. A sensitive accusation

308. for this administration

309. is the theory held by many that the real reason

310. the US Is so interested in toppling Saddam

311. is control of the oil that Iraq is sitting on.

312. What about people who say

313. you're only interested in the middle east for oil?

314. What?

315. Huh? Oil?

316. Who said something about oil, bitch?

317. Are you cooking? Oil?

318. Man, I don't know what—

319. Come on y'all. Get out of here!

320. President Bush met

321. with UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan

322. and made it clear the US will act

323. even if the UN is reluctant.

324. UN, you have a problem with that,

325. you know what you should do?

326. You should sanction me.

327. Sanction me with your army.

328. Oh, wait a minute!

329. You don't have an army!

330. I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up!

331. That's what I'd do if I didn't have no army.

332. I would shh! The fuck up.

333. Shut the fuck up!

334. That's right, Kofi Annan.

335. Think I'm gonna take orders from an African?

336. You might speak 16 languages, but you gonna need them

337. when you in times square selling fake hats.

338. I know Gucci when I see it, nigger.

339. I'm rich.

340. I got a coalition of the willing.

341. I got 40 nations ready to roll, son!

342. Like who?

343. Who the fuck said that?

344. Huh? Huh?

345. Like who?

346. England.

347. Japan's sending Play Stations.

348. Stankonia said they're willing to drop bombs over Baghdad.

349. Rickety row is coming!

350. Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu nation.

351. That means I am not doing this by myself,

352. and I am not disrespecting the UN,

353. even though they don't got no army.

354. Go sell some medicine, bitches!

355. I'm trying to get that oil—

356. Oh!

357. The US fired the opening salvo

358. in the war on Iraq

359. with at least 40 tomahawk cruise missiles

360. and precision guided bombs, centering on Baghdad.

361. Good evening.

362. Tonight, President George Bush is on board

363. the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln

364. off the California coast.

365. It will be the site of what is essentially

366. his victory speech in the war against Iraq.

367. What did I say?

368. I'm not gloating, but what did I say?

369. Did I not say that we would win that shit?

370. We rocked them 'bamas! We rocked them!

371. Nigger, you see me come in on that plane?

372. Shhhhooo.

373. Da-da-da-da-da-da-dah!

374. For the second straight day,

375. these hard-line Iraqis

376. protested the American presence here.

377. Mr. President, when do you think

378. they'll hold general elections in Iraq?

379. Damn, I knew I shouldn't have called on this nigger!

380. I should not have called on you 'cause you're always

381. trying to distract motherfuckers

382. with things like the war and skirt all the real issues.

383. Gay people are getting married, folks.

384. Yes.

385. Nasty! Imagine that.

386. Two women touching on each other's tittie balls,

387. wrestling them,

388. gently stroking those nipples

389. till they get just so stiff and erect!

390. Blowing on them.

391. Men. Barbecue.

392. "I like you." "I like you too, dog."

393. "Let's get married, man."

394. It's crazy!

395. - What about your— - That shit is gross!

396. Mr. President. Mr. President, sir.

397. How do you explain the continual upheaval in Iraq

398. even after the capture of Saddam Hussein?

399. Why are you doing this, man?

400. I thought you was my black brother.

401. Why you asking me questions like that?

402. Fine, I'll answer your stupid-ass question.

403. Here's what I feel about Iraq.

404. I feel like you guys keep trying to distract people with Iraq

405. when I'm focusing on other things,

406. namely the moon.

407. Yes, I said it, the moon.

408. Can't be distracted.

409. "What's going on with the war?

410. What's wrong with the economy?"

411. Stop worrying about that! I got that shit under control!

412. Let's focus on space, nigger.

413. The United States of Space.

414. 'Cause I ain't stopping at the moon.

415. Write this down:

416. M-A-R-S.

417. Mars, bitches.

418. That's where we are going.

419. Mars. Red rocks!

420. Yeah, yeah!

421. I'd like to thank each and every one of you

422. for being here

423. and everyone at home for supporting the show.

424. It's been an amazing season.

425. We love you. We thank you for it.

426. We shook up the world!

427. I'm out!

428. I'm rich, bitch!

429. - Hi, thank you.

430. Who do you know in Iraq?

431. Go ahead, say what you was gonna say.

432. - the war is over! The war is over!

433. You know who this is?

434. Antwone Fisher.

435. He's still here.

436. He's still standing.

437. He's still strong!

438. Just like America!

439. Antwone, take a bow!

440. Some brave teachers.

441. Big up to you, teachers.

442. There's a milkman in the house.

443. What's popping?

444. Rock steady crew's in the house.

445. Crazy legs. What's up, my nigger?