Chappelle's Show 2x11

Directed by

Dave introduces skits that were too crazy to make the cut, including footage of a trip to the Nelson Mandela bootcamp for teenagers. Dave also imagines what it would be like if the whole world was gay. Also featuring musical guests Kanye West and Mos Def.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I can't.

2. I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore.

3. What?

4. Why not?

5. I'm burnt out, Lou,

6. I got a family, man.

7. I'm working 20-hour days every day.

8. I ain't making no money.

9. Mr. Hanky makes more than me.

10. Dave, you signed a contract for two seasons,

11. and I don't know if you've read USA Toda,

12. but we expect you back for a third.

13. Oh, oh, really?

14. Really? You expect me back, huh?

15. Well, guess what, expect this,

16. my resignation, effective immediately.

17. I quit!

18. Suit yourself, Dave.

19. You've already shot all of your sketches.

20. At this point in the season, you're replaceable.

21. Replaceable?

22. You gonna replace me?

23. Dave Chappelle of Chappelle's Show?

24. I'd like to see that.

25. Say what?

26. Wayne Brady!

27. Whoo, hey!

28. Welcome, folks up top, people down here.

29. Everybody!

30. Comedy Central!

31. Hey!

32. Thank you guys so much.

33. As you saw, this really is The Wayne Brady Show,

34. No longer The Chappelle Show.

35. Dave has been, uh... downsized, and, um, and I've been brought—

36. - Hey, you're so wonderful. - No, you—

37. Oh, thank you.

38. You know, one of the things in Hollywood is,

39. there are only a few of us black actors

40. that happen to be working.

41. And nothing makes me happier than to be able

42. to take another black actor's job.

43. Thank you. I'm just doing my thing.

44. So Dave— Before he was let go,

45. he taped a bunch of his sketches.

46. So before we go on with the third season,

47. which would be The Wayne Brady Show,

48. we have to burn off all of his sketches.

49. So excuse me, I'm gonna give my flowers to you, sir,

50. but not in that way, dude.

51. So this next sketch, this is about—

52. You guys know the show Fear Factor, right?

53. Yeah.

54. So Dave and those guys, they found a very, very

55. special episode of Fear Factor

56. that they wanted to share with you.

57. Let's take a look.

58. I'm Joe Rogan, And this is Fear Factor.

59. My name's Jeff.

60. I'm a computer programmer from Redondo beach,

61. and I refuse to lose.

62. My name is Rita, I'm from Idaho,

63. but trust me, I ain't no couch potato.

64. I'm Anne. I'm from Boston.

65. I promised my mom

66. I wasn't going to embarrass her here tonight.

67. Huh?

68. Oh.

69. Hi, I'm Tyrone Biggums.

70. I heard that I could win a lot of money

71. And I get a pig testicle dinner with all the fixings.

72. You got to play to win!

73. Here is your first stunt.

74. We got to eat that? I can't eat all of it.

75. You will each have to lie in this coffin

76. covered with worms and bugs.

77. The three of you that can last the longest

78. will move on to the next round.

79. Rita, you're up first. Climb on in.

80. Alright, we're gonna have to add a few more to the mix.

81. Oh, Joe Rogan, You crazy!

82. God.

83. One of them tried to crawl in my mouth!

84. One minute and forty-two seconds.

85. Let me just help you out, get some on him.

86. There you go.

87. Look at 'em spreading. They spreading.

88. Five minutes and forty-two seconds.

89. Anne, it's all up to you.

90. Lie down.

91. Oh, God, that was gross.

92. Wow. Alright, Ty.

93. I'm gonna tell you something about me,

94. Joe Rogan, that you might not know.

95. I smoke rocks.

96. Mmm!

97. You did it, Tyrone.

98. You shattered Jeff's time. You can come on out now, man.

99. Um, Joe Rogan, if it's all the same to you,

100. I'd like to finish reading my newspaper.

101. I haven't had a chance to sit still and read for so long.

102. Technically, you can stay in there as long as you want.

103. You know what?

104. I think I'm gonna take a nap.

105. Go ahead without me. I'll catch up.

106. Could you dim the lights, please, Joe Rogan?

107. Ugh!

108. Crack.

109. Alright, it's time for your next challenge,

110. walking on hot coals.

111. Some of these coals burn at over 1,000 degrees.

112. Goddamn!

113. The two people that can spend the most time

114. on those coals will advance.

115. Alright, Rita, You're up first.

116. You ready to do this?

117. Yeah.

118. Go!

119. Time, eight seconds.

120. Go! Come on, Jeff.

121. Time, seven seconds.

122. Rita, he didn't beat your time.

123. Congratulations, you advance automatically.

124. Tyrone, it's up to you now.

125. All you have to do is beat Jeff's time of seven seconds,

126. And you will move on to the next round

127. and be that much closer to $50 thousand.

128. Oh!

129. Take your shoes off. Let's do it.

130. Whoa.

131. Tyrone, I think there's something wrong

132. with one of your feet.

133. - Oh! - Go!

134. Hey, Joe Rogan, is it almost lunchtime?

135. 'cause I smell somebody cookin'.

136. Smells like Cajun steaks

137. with catfish and fried peppers.

138. Mmm!

139. - Tyrone, are you okay? - Huh?

140. Y-you won, You beat Jeff's time.

141. You advance to the next round.

142. My feet are strong.

143. Alright, Rita, Tyrone, here is your final stunt.

144. Each one of these platters

145. contains over three pounds of elk penis

146. in a light cream testicle sauce.

147. It's topped off with diced pig bladder.

148. For dessert, we have horse hooves.

149. Whoever can eat the most

150. is gonna walk away with $50 thousand.

151. Go!

152. Hurry up, girl, I want to do my turn.

153. Grab that penis.

154. Suck them juices off. Suck it!

155. That's it.

156. Mm-mmm! Oh!

157. I can't do this.

158. - Are you sure? - Mm-hmm.

159. Alright, I'm sorry, you're eliminated.

160. Alright, Ty, it's up to you.

161. All you have to do is eat a little bit

162. - and you're the champ— - And yadda, yadda, yadda.

163. Mm-mmm!

164. You know, Joe Rogan,

165. This is not the first time I've tasted penis.

166. I've had several in my line of work.

167. You taste penises all the time.

168. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

169. Tyrone, you are our champion.

170. Congratulations.

171. And evidently, fear is not a factor for you.

172. Fear is never a factor, Joe Rogan.

173. I'm trying to get some crack rocks.

174. Tyree, I did it!

175. I won!

176. Come down on these penises with me.

177. Hot sauce!

178. There you go. Pretend like it's mines.

179. Tyree, this money's gonna change our lives forever!

180. Tyree, I can finally make an honest woman out of you

181. and give you that rock you always had your eye on.

182. Look, Tyree.

183. Oh, Tyrone, this'll get us high for—

184. Hours, I know.

185. But first, May I have this dance?

186. Folks, we'll be right back in a second

187. to The Brady show!

188. Oh, come on, man.

189. Hello?

190. Big boi!

191. Uh, who's calling?

192. It's Dave Chappelle, man.

193. Fuck.

194. What's happening, Dave?

195. Nothing, man.

196. Uh, you know, I got a bunch of free time now.

197. Figure I'd call you up.

198. Maybe we could get together and hang out.

199. Dave, I'm in the operating room,

200. Um, getting back surgery.

201. Oh, no.

202. Where's the anesthesia? Stop.

203. Well, look, I'm just saying,

204. maybe we can get together.

205. Maybe tomorrow, I'll come and bring some soup by.

206. Tomorrow might not be good.

207. Tomorrow— I'm supposed to be hooking up

208. with Don Cornelius tomorrow.

209. Alright.

210. Yeah, we playing tennis, man.

211. Um, well, you know, I'm around, man.

212. Just give me a call.

213. We playin' on the moon, bitch.

214. Peace. Don't call me no more.

215. What?

216. I got to clear my head.

217. Hey, son!

218. Nick cannon?

219. Oh!

220. What you doing with Nick Cannon, boy?

221. I'm living my life.

222. I told you, Nick Cannon is hilarious.

223. I'm done with you, dad.

224. I'm hilarious too. Remember me?

225. "I'm Rick James, bitch!"

226. Remember me?

227. That was me, baby!

228. Dave, I'm trying to fulfill his needs.

229. You know, he need a working actor in his life.

230. Understand, man, you done fell off.

231. Shouldn't have gave up your show, dawg.

232. Still got chuck-e-cheese's, huh, little man?

233. Leave me and my new daddy alone.

234. I'm gonna get my show back now.

235. I'ma get my show back! My show back!

236. My show back!

237. 'cause this your show, man.

238. - It's my show? - It's your show, brother.

239. If it's my show, Can I do this?

240. - You can do— - Whoo!

241. - Whoo! - Brady!

242. Thank you.

243. Thank you.

244. He's better looking.

245. Agreed, agreed. Handsome guy.

246. And charming.

247. And the other thing, cooperative.

248. I just can't believe how funny he is.

249. - Agreed. - Couldn't be funnier.

250. And it's not so much the shock anymore

251. because the shock is really your body's way

252. of cushioning your mind against the whole horrid experience.

253. It's not what you think, Dave.

254. Dave, it's not what you— They gave me—

255. She is a great critic.

256. Let's have a round of applause for my mom, right?

257. Huh?

258. Yeah.

259. Whoo!

260. Right, right, right, right.

261. No, no, no, no, no, no!

262. You guys are too kind. You guys are too kind.

263. Ha, ha, ha!

264. Oh, fuck y'all!

265. It's good to see you, Dave.

266. What's—what's up, Wayne?

267. What's up, brother?

268. I want my show back.

269. Oh.

270. Give me my show back now.

271. Just give it back!

272. Come on, man!

273. Okay, wait, you know what?

274. Look, Wayne— What?

275. Why don't we host it together?

276. Nah, son.

277. No, man, it can't be together, man,

278. 'cause you do different things than I do.

279. The way you do it ain't like the way I do it.

280. You've got your thing, I got my thing.

281. I'm trying to do my thing!

282. Come on, Wayne, you know what I'm talkin' about!

283. No, actually I don't know what you're talkin' about.

284. I—What's my thing, Dave?

285. Oh, like, remember that time we was hanging out?

286. Remember that a few months back?

287. Dave, I got to tell you, man,

288. I'm really happy to be hanging out with you.

289. This is nice.

290. Oh, man, it's just been great, man.

291. Well, same here, man.

292. You busy with your show. I got my stuff.

293. This is really cool.

294. Yeah, man, you see, that's the thing

295. with black actors, man.

296. We need to just unify. We can't just be out like—

297. Exactly.

298. Hey, hold up, Wayne, I think you passed our turn.

299. The restaurant's back that way.

300. Nah, that's alright.

301. Relax.

302. What, you going to get some weed?

303. No.

304. You gonna get some weed, holla at your boy.

305. I know the spot.

306. - Hold on. - Alright.

307. There he is.

308. Break yourself, fool!

309. Aww, shit, it's Wayne Brady, son!

310. Oh, shit!

311. Oh, shit!

312. What the fuck you doing?

313. Riverside, motherfucker!

314. Goddamn!

315. What the fuck are you doing?

316. Dave, calm down.

317. What you mean, calm down? You just—

318. - Dave, relax. - You just shot people, Wayne!

319. - Dave, Dave. - Those were people you shot!

320. Goddamn, man, you got a daytime Emmy, nigger.

321. You ain't supposed to be doin' shit like this.

322. Dave, you making me nervous.

323. You making me think that you gonna snitch.

324. Now, you're not gonna snitch, right?

325. No, man, come on, now, I ain't no snitch.

326. Now, you sure you're not gonna snitch?

327. It's me, nigger, it's Dave, baby.

328. Motherfucker, you gonna snitch on me?

329. Yo, nigger, come on. it's me, it's Dave.

330. We black actors, man, we got to stick together.

331. We black actors. I ain't gonna snitch on you.

332. Come on, it's me, baby. It's Dave.

333. It's Dave Chappelle. It's your boy.

334. Okay. Sorry, man.

335. I got to get some money, man.

336. I got to go to the ATM. I don't have no money.

337. I'll get some money.

338. Alright, right here.

339. Where's the ATM at?

340. We at it.

341. Hey!

342. Hey, daddy.

343. Hoes, Dave.

344. Dave, hoes.

345. Good evening, bitches.

346. We did good tonight.

347. That's what I like to hear.

348. That's— Oh, that's nice.

349. Hey, baby!

350. Thank you.

351. Alright, more power to me.

352. Alright, thank you, baby.

353. Oh—oh, Raquel, What's this?

354. Mr. Franklin's lonely.

355. He's— There's only—

356. Sorry, daddy.

357. What do you mean, "Sorry, daddy?"

358. What the hell did—

359. Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?

360. I'm gonna have to get out of this car and choke—

361. I'm not violent. I try not to be.

362. I'm a— You know what?

363. Wayne, come on, man. Come on, Wayne.

364. No, no, no, I'm gonna Get outta this car right now.

365. Come on, will you please— Please, man?

366. Come on, just— Just let it slide.

367. You better thank Dave Chappelle.

368. Go ahead.

369. Thank you, Dave, and I like your show.

370. Run, bitch! Run for your life!

371. Get some help!

372. I'm just playing around. You know.

373. There you go. Pay me back whenever.

374. I...

375. I can't take this money, man.

376. - This money ain't clean, man. - Dave, relax.

377. No, man, I can't relax. I don't want this money.

378. Dave, you are too uptight.

379. You know what? Here, smoke this.

380. Nah, I'm cool, man.

381. No, no, smoke this.

382. Take it, come on, smoke it.

383. I don't want to smoke—

384. This is not an option, nigger.

385. If you do not smoke this, we have a problem.

386. Ain't no damn after-school special.

387. Smoke it.

388. Dave, I didn't know that you liked to get wet.

389. What do you mean, "wet"?

390. Yeah, brother, that's PCP, Angel Dust,

391. Sherman Hemsley, Love Boat,

392. Ashy Larry...

393. White people love Wayne Brady

394. because he makes Bryant Gumbel

395. look like Malcolm X.

396. Where are we?

397. We got company.

398. Just let me do all the talking, okay?

399. Good evening!

400. Good evening, officer. May I help you?

401. - Yeah.

402. Can you step out of the car, please?

403. Not a word.

404. Coming.

405. Can I see your license?

406. Absolutely.

407. Holy cow!

408. You're Wayne Brady.

409. Guilty as charged.

410. My mother-in-law loves you.

411. Well, thank you very much. Thank you very much.

412. She is not gonna believe that this happened.

413. That's 'cause she is never gonna know about it, bitch.

414. What?

415. Thank you. Good night!

416. What the fuck?

417. What the fuck, man?

418. It's not my thing, man. It's not my thing.

419. I'm sorry.

420. Well, actually, I'm not sorry.

421. I don't give a fuck.

422. They cancel my show, and shit goes crazy!

423. I just want to go home and see my family, man.

424. I just want to go home and see my family.

425. Dave.

426. - You hungry? - I'm not hungry.

427. Come on, you hungry?

428. You want a sandwich?

429. I just want to go home.

430. Eat your sandwich, Dave.

431. Give me your sandwich.

432. I said, give me your damn sandwich.

433. I make Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X, huh, motherfucker?

434. I didn't say that.

435. This is me.

436. Whatever. Get out.

437. - Hey, Dave. - Huh?

438. Man, really, I had a great time tonight.

439. Thank you.

440. Black actors, man.

441. Black actors.

442. - Alright. - Alright.

443. Oh, Dave?

444. Yeah?

445. Aah!

446. I'm Wayne Brady, bitch!

447. It was Mooney!

448. We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

449. Yeah.

450. We'll be right back with more Chappelle Show

451. right after this.

452. Ahh!

453. I'd like to thank you all for being here.

454. I'd like to thank my guest, Wayne Brady.

455. Thank you, sir. I'd like to thank

456. the greatest audience in the world.

457. I'm out!

458. Take your show back.

459. I'm rich, bitch!

460. Hi, thank you!

461. Paul Mooney did that thing—

462. That thing about white people and Bryant Gumbel.

463. Next thing I know, this man calls me—

464. No one calls each other in show business

465. because they're all too arrogant.

466. He calls me— "Wayne."

467. "Hey, man."

468. Not like he was scared,

469. but he called me and said, "Hey, you know what?

470. "I really respect you, And I would love for you

471. to come out and do the show."

472. I canceled three of my shows to come and do this

473. because that meant so much.