Chappelle's Show 2x10

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Dave takes a closer look at the P. Diddy-produced reality television show called "Making Da Band" and introduces a new children's show called "Kneehigh Park." Also featuring musical guests Snoop Dogg, and Wyclef and Q-Tip.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Ladies and gentlemen,

2. Dave Chappelle!

3. Thank you all.

4. Thank you, folks.

5. Tonight you tuned in on a very special night.

6. You know, now that the show is becoming successful,

7. people are writing about it in the papers,

8. the only thing more spectacular than our success

9. is our failures.

10. Tonight I will show you some of the craziest things

11. we have tried to get away with and didn't succeed.

12. These are all sketches we actually went out,

13. we shot the sketches— I didn't make this idea up.

14. This is a crazy, uh...

15. Well, you'll see as we go along.

16. But this is the good thing about black people.

17. We are just the best at taking lemons and making lemonade.

18. This is a skill that black people have been endowed.

19. They gave us the worst part of pigs,

20. we said we're gonna call 'em chitlins,

21. put some hot sauce on the nigga,

22. and we will like 'em, we will like them!

23. We'll eat the snout, if we have to.

24. If we have to, I will eat the snout.

25. Tonight we are gonna eat all snout.

26. This whole episode is just straight up snout.

27. Now this first sketch

28. had our first celebrity cameo

29. The Chappelle Show ever had that nobody ever saw.

30. It was a very good cameo.

31. Why don't you show 'em the beginning.

32. Welcome back.

33. Today, of course, we are dealing with kids

34. who are b-a-d, bad.

35. Do you see, Sally?

36. This is what I have to deal with.

37. Ronald is just out of control. So trifling.

38. Aw, ma, shut up.

39. Alright, it's time to straighten you up.

40. Guess where you are going.

41. Boot camp.

42. Yeah, boot camp. That's right.

43. With the hardest CO you have ever met.

44. This is where the sketch goes completely wrong.

45. That's right, Nelson Mandela.

46. Alright, children, shut your mouth.

47. All of you kids disgust me.

48. Notice how shitty the wig is.

49. Not only do I not look anything like Nelson Mandela,

50. but the sketch just gets progressively crazier.

51. Mandela proceeds to just beat the hell out of these kids

52. for the next, like, eight to nine minutes, alright?

53. He's just berating 'em and beating 'em.

54. Here, just show them some of the beat-downs.

55. This is the full Nelson. Bitch, it's a pun.

56. You. Cry "Freedom."

57. Cry "The Beloved Country."

58. If I wanted to be mean,

59. I would tell this kid how fat he is, huh?

60. I would tell him that I would squeeze his breasts together

61. and make love to his bosom, if I wanted to.

62. Pretty bad, huh?

63. Well, it gets weirder than that.

64. Do you think Mandela doesn't know what this is?

65. Do you think Mandela doesn't know

66. what's popping on the streets?

67. Yo, I'm not sure,

68. but I think Mr. Mandela smoked my drugs.

69. Pretty bad, huh?

70. Alright, now here's another stinker.

71. This one

72. was supposed to be like The Def Poetry Jam.

73. It was called—

74. It was a funny premise— It was called

75. The Def Comedy Poetry Jam,

76. where we basically have people I knew from Def Comedy Jam

77. come and do, like, the corniest joke premises

78. in poetry style.

79. It's kind of hard to explain, but it was funny.

80. Like, Mos Def came out, act a fool.

81. Go ahead and show them the beginning.

82. Are you ready for some poetry, motherfuckers?

83. Uh!

84. Mm, mm, uh!

85. Alright, so then Shucky Ducky comes out

86. and Hamburg and all these guys come out

87. and do Hacky black poems.

88. And I even did one myself, which is pretty hilarious,

89. I'll show it to you in its entirety.

90. Here's the one I did.

91. White people do this.

92. Black people— black people do that.

93. When White people's power goes off they panic.

94. When black people's power goes off they plan it.

95. We'll take a quick commercial break,

96. but don't go anywhere.

97. We have more of our greatest misses coming up.

98. Whoo.

99. Hey, gang, welcome back.

100. Now, let's see, how can I describe this sketch?

101. It was a Frontline piece,

102. much like we did the Clayton Bigsby piece,

103. we wrote this one when they had opened the first public school

104. for all-gay students,

105. and we were like, okay, America's freaking out now,

106. like, about the gay thing, like,

107. so we thought what if it was, like,

108. so segregated that there became two Americas.

109. It was a Gay America and a Straight America.

110. And that was the premise of the sketch.

111. Cities like San Francisco

112. even offer special municipal services,

113. like this gay department of motor vehicles.

114. Honey, with those cheekbones, you're a natural!

115. Now, just stand there. That's right.

116. Put your head back a little bit.

117. Let's get that great big smile.

118. Let's see those pearly whites.

119. Hold it, hold it.

120. Congratulations. Your license plate is so ready.

121. It was funny.

122. I mean, we were just messing around.

123. You know, just having fun.

124. Right.

125. But it gets worse, like, we keep going on like this.

126. Okay, so there's a gay DMV,

127. what else can we just make, like, a gay version of?

128. And then we just went to town with, like,

129. the gay versions of things.

130. For instance...

131. Every aspect of American life

132. is being affected by the culture.

133. There are gay butchers.

134. Gay landscapers.

135. Just for fun, can we see that guy again?

136. That shit was very funny to me.

137. Here's where we start spinning out of control.

138. Alright, this next one was offensive,

139. not only to gay people but black people.

140. And if you're a gay black person

141. then you'll get doubly mad,

142. but it was all in the spirit of fun.

143. I thought— I still think it's funny.

144. Alright, go ahead and show the clip.

145. Here in Hartsfield, Alabama, amazingly,

146. they have started a gay chapter of the Ku Klux Klan.

147. Oh, it's hot like the dickens.

148. As I was saying at brunch,

149. and we hate, too, okay?

150. But we do it a special way. We do it with compassion.

151. Good morning, I'm with the K.K.K.

152. We had a meeting and we were talking

153. and we'd be more comfortable

154. if you guys left the neighborhood.

155. Have you considered going back to Africa?

156. Alright.

157. Now, this next piece was the piece that started

158. the whole she-bang-a-bang.

159. This was the first premise that led

160. to this Gay America sketch.

161. This actually was Charlie Murphy's idea.

162. He called and was like "I got this funny idea

163. for a sketch, man."

164. And he told me, he told Neal, and we just ran with it.

165. This is the most splendiferous,

166. spectacious monumental event in the history of the world.

167. Professional boxing with all-gay fighters.

168. I call it "Friday Night Sissy Fights"

169. and it's on none other than HBO.

170. On my right,

171. "The Bathhouse Brawler",

172. none other than sweet puss Rogers.

173. Look at that footwork.

174. His dad was a schoolgirl.

175. Man, he's gay.

176. And to my left, "The Tyrannical Tea-Bagger"

177. none other than Reggie Blazer.

178. He's weighing himself in as we speak.

179. Uh-uh, uh-uh, this scale is broke.

180. Cheetah, didn't I tell you to fix this scale.

181. And what you looking at

182. with your ashy-ass lips?

183. Whatever, fat-ass.

184. I love it!

185. On that note, we're actually gonna take a commercial break,

186. but don't go nowhere.

187. We'll be right back with more of our greatest misses.

188. Man, I'm bored

189. I got to go to The Chappelle Show.

190. Alright, welcome back, welcome back.

191. Alright.

192. This next one might be my favorite failure of all time.

193. Now, last season we did this sketch called

194. "The player hater's ball."

195. Wasn't our most popular sketch,

196. but it was just one of my favorites.

197. It was just very silly.

198. So we said let's bring 'em back,

199. but let's try to do something different.

200. Up the ante a little bit.

201. So it starts out that the player haters

202. are having a science fair.

203. Alright, go ahead, go ahead.

204. Furthermore, my wave machine can create enough energy

205. to power most medium-sized homes with ease.

206. Thank you, bitches.

207. When you said wave machine,

208. I thought you was talking about something that could

209. repair that catastrophe you call a hairstyle.

210. Buck Nasty, you are so dark

211. when you touch yourself, it's like black-on-black crime.

212. Ah.

213. Right, so, so far so good.

214. It has all the elements of the old sketch that we loved.

215. There's Jheri Curl juice snapping, going back and forth.

216. Alright, here's where it starts getting a little weird.

217. - Attention.

218. I brought to you, bitches,

219. my great invention yet.

220. The time machine.

221. - So now the premise is that they travel through time

222. and hate on people.

223. Now, that's— that's not a bad premise,

224. but somehow

225. it just didn't come together right.

226. Let's see what happens.

227. First, they go back and I think they fuck up Hitler.

228. Hitler momma got one big titty and one little titty,

229. and they call the bitch Biggie Smalls.

230. Alright, so the crowd's still kind of with us.

231. And now we take 'em to the 1840s.

232. Let's see how that hate works out.

233. Good God!

234. Incarcerated African-Americans.

235. Slavery, if you will.

236. These men here

237. work for the minimumest of wages,

238. grits and tattered clothes.

239. Lookey here, man.

240. Them lames ain't even got no shoes on, Jack.

241. I could never go out like that.

242. Buck Nasty, have some respect.

243. One of these men could be your great-granddaddy.

244. Alright, Charlie was definitely funny,

245. 'cause every time we do Buck Nasty, right,

246. like, he'll be sittin' in the back of the time machine

247. and as soon as they say, "Okay, roll sound,"

248. Charlie'd get to shaking like this.

249. He'd start...

250. Alright, just show 'em, like—

251. Just give 'em an example of what it's like to shoot this.

252. From doctors?

253. Yeah.

254. Alright, ready?

255. Roll sound.

256. It was killing me.

257. Alright, but I'm getting off the point now.

258. Let's keep going.

259. Now, so the now time haters, they're in slavery times, right?

260. And stuff is still kind of going good in the sketch.

261. Okay, okay, keep, just, keep—

262. let it play out.

263. Let's see what's happening.

264. Uh-oh, fellas, looks as though we have company.

265. And what the hell are you niggras doin' out here?

266. We are the time haters.

267. We traveled all the way back through time...

268. To call you a cracker.

269. You better watch your mouth.

270. Actually, you better watch your mouth, White boy,

271. before I put these gators up your ass

272. and show your insides some style.

273. That's enough!

274. I can't be no slave, Silky.

275. Oh, Good God.

276. Look, Silky,

277. he done pulled out a whip.

278. Nice whip.

279. This here is a pistol.

280. Reach for the sky, honky.

281. Honky? Honky?

282. Honky is a racial epithet used for White people.

283. Was made popular by a man named George Jefferson

284. in the 1970s.

285. You see, he and his wife, Weezy,

286. had a dry cleaning business,

287. so they moved on up to the east side,

288. to a deluxe apartment in the sky.

289. They finally got a piece of the pie.

290. Convoluted story, I'll admit,

291. but the point is this,

292. that in the future, all black people will be free.

293. In a second, alright,

294. this is what stopped the whole show.

295. This stopped— I mean, literally,

296. the whole episode came to a screeching halt right here.

297. As a matter of fact, I can predict this episode

298. coming to a screeching halt right now.

299. But I'll show it.

300. When's we gonna be free?

301. That is a good question, my man.

302. How about now-ish?

303. Apparently, shooting a slave master

304. isn't funny to anybody but me and Neal.

305. If I could, I'd do it every episode.

306. So that was that one.

307. Now, this next one, the premise, again,

308. funny premise, it's about a dating service

309. where you tell 'em what kind of girls you like,

310. and they'll send dudes to just go out to malls and stuff

311. and holler at bitches for you.

312. Now...

313. not so bad, right?

314. Go ahead, just show 'em the set up.

315. In a matter of seconds, we'll beam your information

316. to one of our skilled field technicians.

317. Hey, hey, hey. Can I holler?

318. Can I holler at you? Can I holler at you?

319. Can I holler, holler, holler, holler, holler, holler

320. holler, holler, holler, holler, holler, holler at you?

321. What's wrong with ya?

322. That dude is hilarious to us.

323. His name's Anthony Barry,

324. and, I mean, everything he says is funny.

325. And in the course of shooting this sketch,

326. we figured out he could do this.

327. So we were like, "just do that."

328. And we just filmed him doing it.

329. This is what he did that had us cracking up in editing.

330. Holler, holler, holler... Holler, holler, holler...

331. Holler, holler, holler... Holler, holler, holler...

332. Holler, holler, holler, holler, holler, holler...

333. Holler, holler, holler... Holler, holler, holler...

334. Let me holler at you. Let me holler at you.

335. Let me holler at you, let me holler at you.

336. Holler, holler, holler, holler, holler, holler...

337. Holler, holler, holler, holler, holler, holler...

338. Holler, holler, holler... Holler, holler, holler...

339. I'm hollerin' at you, bitch. Don't you hear me?

340. Bitch, let me holler.

341. Holler, holler, holler... Holler, holler, holler...

342. I'd like to thank each and every one of y'all

343. for being here.

344. I'd like to thank you at home for watching.

345. I'll see you next week. Good night.

346. I'm rich, bitch.

347. Hi, thank you.

348. Like BET, the network will also air sitcoms

349. such as "Gay Sanford and Son."

350. I gave that money back to the church.

351. It was the right thing to do.

352. Lamont, you big, gay dummy.

353. Oh, gay pop.

354. Come on, gay Julio.

355. Adios, Mr. Sanford.

356. This is the big, gay one.

357. Why they dick so small?