1. Let's start the show.Copy !req
2. What'll it be, guys?Copy !req
3. I'll have a scotch on the rocks.Copy !req
4. I'll have a Samuel Adams.Copy !req
5. I'll have a Samuel Jackson.Copy !req
6. You know something?Copy !req
7. I'll have a Samuel Jackson, too.Copy !req
8. Me three.Copy !req
9. Three Samuel Jacksons
coming right up.Copy !req
10. Good motherfuckin' choice,
motherfucker.Copy !req
11. Samuel Jackson,
made painstakingly by me,Copy !req
12. Samuel L. Jackson.Copy !req
13. It'll get you drunk!Copy !req
14. You'll be fuckin' fat girls
in no time!Copy !req
15. You might even fight
a nigga or two!Copy !req
16. Mmm-mmm, bitch!Copy !req
17. How's it taste, motherfucka'?Copy !req
18. Huh?Copy !req
19. Can you stop yelling at me,
please?Copy !req
20. No, I can't stop yelling,
'cause that's how I talk!Copy !req
21. You ain't never seen my movies?Copy !req
22. Juice, that was a good one!Copy !req
23. Deep Blue Sea!Copy !req
24. They ate me, a fucking shark
ate me!Copy !req
25. Drink, bitch!Copy !req
26. Jurassic Park!Copy !req
27. Samuel Jackson, it's my beer!Copy !req
28. "Yes, they deserved to dieCopy !req
29. and I hope they burn in hell!"Copy !req
30. Oh, that's right!Copy !req
31. That's right!Copy !req
32. That's right!Copy !req
33. Hey!Copy !req
34. That's right.Copy !req
35. What's up, y'all?Copy !req
36. Welcome back— ohh.Copy !req
37. Come on, now, calm down.Copy !req
38. We don't have that much time.Copy !req
39. Thank you.Copy !req
40. Yes, ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
41. you are seeing correctly,
I am smoking on television.Copy !req
42. I am smoking indoors,
you know why?Copy !req
43. Because I didn't vote
for Bloomberg.Copy !req
44. Those of you across the nation
who don't know who Bloomberg is,Copy !req
45. he is the mayor
of this great city of New York.Copy !req
46. I'm fighting!Copy !req
47. Somebody's got to do it.Copy !req
48. You know, this Bloomberg guy
has messed everything up!Copy !req
49. Cigarettes are $8 a pack!Copy !req
50. That's crack prices!Copy !req
51. People gonna be sucking dicks
for cigarettes soon!Copy !req
52. It's ridiculous.Copy !req
53. And then once you buy a pack,Copy !req
54. you can't even smoke inside.Copy !req
55. I can't stand it anymore.Copy !req
56. I can't stand it, I'm fighting!Copy !req
57. Whoo!Copy !req
58. That's right!Copy !req
59. It's in my blood.Copy !req
60. I have no choice but to fight,
I'm a genetic dissenter.Copy !req
61. That's right,
it's in my genes to dissent.Copy !req
62. I'll show you a tape
of my history.Copy !req
63. Damn, Bloomberg is fucking up.Copy !req
64. Man, Carter is fucking up.Copy !req
65. Damn, Truman is fucking up.Copy !req
66. Man, Lincoln is fucking up.Copy !req
67. Son, white folks in general
is fucking up.Copy !req
68. Shhh, they coming.Copy !req
69. Man, the chief's fucking up.Copy !req
70. Hey, y'all, look.Copy !req
71. It's a boat with some
white people on it.Copy !req
72. Y'all wait here,
I'm gonna see what they want.Copy !req
73. Man...Copy !req
74. I fucked up.Copy !req
75. Now, a lot of people say,Copy !req
76. "Dave, if everybody else
is messing up so bad,Copy !req
77. what you think,
you can do better?"Copy !req
78. Yes, I do.Copy !req
79. That's why I'm gonna
run for mayor or something.Copy !req
80. That's right.Copy !req
81. Maybe governor
or something else,Copy !req
82. you never know.Copy !req
83. I made a campaign ad, too,Copy !req
84. and I'll show it to you
right now.Copy !req
85. This is my first campaign ad,
it'll be on the air soon.Copy !req
86. Although America is the greatest
nation in the world,Copy !req
87. we still face
many modern problems.Copy !req
88. And modern problems require
modern solutions.Copy !req
89. Health care is in shambles.Copy !req
90. Medicaid doesn't work,
and the insurance industryCopy !req
91. has made medicine
virtually unaffordable.Copy !req
92. Meanwhile,
our neighbors in CanadaCopy !req
93. have free health care
for all their citizens.Copy !req
94. So what am I suggesting?Copy !req
95. Fake Canadian I.D. cards
for all Americans.Copy !req
96. If you get sick,Copy !req
97. run on up to Canada and
get yourself checked out.Copy !req
98. I'm Dave Chappelle,Copy !req
99. and I want to represent you.Copy !req
100. We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.Copy !req
101. We'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.Copy !req
102. Don't go anywhere.Copy !req
103. Although America is the greatest
nation in the world,Copy !req
104. we still face
many modern problems.Copy !req
105. And modern problems require
modern solutions.Copy !req
106. Teen pregnancy is a
huge problem in this country.Copy !req
107. Now, what we need
are more programs in placeCopy !req
108. that promote abstinence.Copy !req
109. My solution?Copy !req
110. Have every high school principalCopy !req
111. have sex with the oldest
teacher in the schoolCopy !req
112. in front of the students.Copy !req
113. And make sure you
rub them both with mayonnaiseCopy !req
114. to accentuate the soundCopy !req
115. of their old flesh flapping
together.Copy !req
116. This powerful image
is sure to be a deterrentCopy !req
117. that the children
will never forget.Copy !req
118. Goddamn, that's gross.Copy !req
119. I'm Dave Chappelle,
and I want to represent you.Copy !req
120. You know, folks,Copy !req
121. since I've been doing this showCopy !req
122. a lot of rappers have been
asking me to be in their videos.Copy !req
123. Which is nice,Copy !req
124. but they always want me
to do dumb stuff.Copy !req
125. Like, I'll be like,
"what I gotta do, snoop?"Copy !req
126. "Okay, here it is, Dave,
it's a club sceneCopy !req
127. and like, you was dancing
and you slip on a banana peelCopy !req
128. and your face lands in
some doo doo— splat.Copy !req
129. Now, you rolling around,
got dookie all over you.Copy !req
130. And then
here I come with my gators on.Copy !req
131. My now and later gators
step over ya.Copy !req
132. And all you see is me
walking off in slow motion."Copy !req
133. It's like-hold up, nigga,Copy !req
134. why can't I be the one
in slow motion?Copy !req
135. I'm tired of being the one
in the doo-doo.Copy !req
136. Everything looks better
in slow motion.Copy !req
137. This is the truth.Copy !req
138. For instance,Copy !req
139. here's a tape of me doing
my laundry.Copy !req
140. Hey, how you doing,
Mrs. Kim?Copy !req
141. Nothing funny about that.Copy !req
142. But why don't we see me
do my laundry...Copy !req
143. In slow motion.Copy !req
144. Crazy.Copy !req
145. All right...Copy !req
146. I like it in videos,
whenever you see a club sceneCopy !req
147. club scene is always
in slow motion.Copy !req
148. You know why?Copy !req
149. 'Cause it's gotta be.Copy !req
150. 'Cause it sucks to be
in a club in regular life.Copy !req
151. Check it out, this is
what it looks likeCopy !req
152. to be at a club normally.Copy !req
153. Hey, come on, man!Copy !req
154. Excuse me, excuse me.Copy !req
155. The robot?Copy !req
156. You make me sick.Copy !req
157. Sorry about— Oh!Copy !req
158. He's so corny!Copy !req
159. Terrible, terrible
what they did to me.Copy !req
160. Why don't we take a look at that
in slow motion, though.Copy !req
161. I wanna suck your...Copy !req
162. Me so horny...Copy !req
163. Yeah!Copy !req
164. Much better.Copy !req
165. That was much better.Copy !req
166. Of course, we gotta rememberCopy !req
167. this concept
is not across the board.Copy !req
168. It doesn't work with everything,
just most things.Copy !req
169. Some things look worse
in slow motion.Copy !req
170. Like, for instance, here's
a tape of me taking a shit.Copy !req
171. It happens.Copy !req
172. Oh, ho ho...Copy !req
173. Pretty disgusting.Copy !req
174. Let's see that same shit
in slow motion.Copy !req
175. People be mad about it,
like, R. Kelly,Copy !req
176. I seen R. Kelly in a Chicago.Copy !req
177. He was mad at me.Copy !req
178. "There ain't no punch line
to that,Copy !req
179. that thing is mad.Copy !req
180. How you gonna make a video
about peeing on somebody?"Copy !req
181. Nigga, how you gonna make a
video about peeing on somebody?Copy !req
182. And on that note,Copy !req
183. take a quick commercial break
and we'll be right backCopy !req
184. for some more Chappelle's Show.Copy !req
185. Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.Copy !req
186. America's #1 source
for offensive comedy.Copy !req
187. You know what's cool about
being an American?Copy !req
188. We're all mixed up.Copy !req
189. I'm talking about genetically.Copy !req
190. We've all got a little
something in us, right?Copy !req
191. And in some people,
it's more than others.Copy !req
192. And that's when we
get to arguing.Copy !req
193. For instance, my wife is Asian.Copy !req
194. I'm Black, and we argue...Copy !req
195. About which half of Tiger Woods
is hitting the ball so good.Copy !req
196. Derek Jeter is another guy
like that.Copy !req
197. Halle Berry is somebody else.Copy !req
198. We've gotta stop arguing
about who was what.Copy !req
199. We need to just
settle this once and for all,Copy !req
200. we need to have a draft.Copy !req
201. That's right, I said it.Copy !req
202. Good evening,
and welcome to the firstCopy !req
203. and maybe only racial draft
here in New York City.Copy !req
204. Folks, this is for
all the marbles.Copy !req
205. What happens here will
state the racial standingCopy !req
206. of these Americans
once and for all.Copy !req
207. That's right.Copy !req
208. And the crowd is here
to support their races.Copy !req
209. Well, Rob, some of
the biggest names in sportsCopy !req
210. and in entertainment
are on the line tonight.Copy !req
211. And I'm excited to see who's
gonna be drafted by which race.Copy !req
212. Seated behind me
on the stage there,Copy !req
213. are the various representatives.Copy !req
214. And, believe it or notCopy !req
215. the Blacks have actually
won the first pick.Copy !req
216. Wow, that's the first lotteryCopy !req
217. a Black person's won
in a long time, Billy.Copy !req
218. Yes, and they'll
probably still complain.Copy !req
219. Man, fuck you.Copy !req
220. Well, the Black representativeCopy !req
221. is heading for
the microphone now,Copy !req
222. why don't we take a listen.Copy !req
223. We of the Black delegation...Copy !req
224. Choose Tiger Woods.Copy !req
225. No surprises there, fellas.Copy !req
226. The richest and most
dominant athlete in the world.Copy !req
227. His father Black,
his mother Thai.Copy !req
228. Well, that doesn't matter
anymoreCopy !req
229. because now
he is officially Black.Copy !req
230. Dave, the Asians
have got to be upset.Copy !req
231. There's no question
about that, Rob.Copy !req
232. But you gotta think about it.Copy !req
233. He's been discriminated
against in his time,Copy !req
234. he's had death threats,
and he dates a white woman.Copy !req
235. Sounds like a Black guy to me.Copy !req
236. Tiger's taking the stage now,Copy !req
237. and if you ask me,
he's looking Blacker already.Copy !req
238. Ah, I'd like to say,Copy !req
239. a tremendous opportunity for me.Copy !req
240. To finally be part of
a race and have a home.Copy !req
241. I've been so confused
if I'm half Asian,Copy !req
242. so many things.Copy !req
243. So long, fried rice,
hello fried chicken.Copy !req
244. I love you guys!Copy !req
245. Ah, I always wanted
to say this...Copy !req
246. For shizzle.Copy !req
247. Ha ha.Copy !req
248. Well, it seems as thoughCopy !req
249. Tiger Woods is happy to be BlackCopy !req
250. and that's a good thingCopy !req
251. because I just received wordCopy !req
252. that he lost all his
endorsements.Copy !req
253. Ooh, that's a tough one.Copy !req
254. Oh, Amex, Tag Heuer, Wheaties
the whole shebang-a-bang.Copy !req
255. Tough break, nigga,
there's always FUBU.Copy !req
256. All right, coming up now
are the Jews.Copy !req
257. Many have speculated
about their pick.Copy !req
258. But I'm guessing
they're gonna pick MadonnaCopy !req
259. and finish off the job
Kabbalah started.Copy !req
260. Yes, well, Rob, she was
born and raised CatholicCopy !req
261. then she became a whore,Copy !req
262. but over the last decade
she has studied the Kabbalah.Copy !req
263. And she even wrote
a Kabbalah children's book.Copy !req
264. Oh, here come the Jews.Copy !req
265. Why don't we take a look
downstairs.Copy !req
266. Today, we,
the Jewish people take...Copy !req
267. Lenny Kravitz.Copy !req
268. Wow, in a surprise moveCopy !req
269. the Jews pick Lenny Kravitz,
folks.Copy !req
270. He's actually half-Black
and half-Jewish.Copy !req
271. His mother was on
"the Jeffersons",Copy !req
272. a pivotal show in Black culture.Copy !req
273. And his father, a Jew,
was her lawyer.Copy !req
274. Heh, couldn't make that up.Copy !req
275. Well, Lenny is all Jewish now.Copy !req
276. Unfortunately, Lenny can't
make it here to accept.Copy !req
277. He's in Miami beach.Copy !req
278. Miami beach?Copy !req
279. Well, he must have gotten that
news about being Jewish early.Copy !req
280. Ha ha ha...Copy !req
281. All right, the Latins
are up now.Copy !req
282. Why don't we all take
an Escucha to their pick.Copy !req
283. We, the Latinos, choose...Copy !req
284. Elian Gonzalez.Copy !req
285. I don't understand that one.Copy !req
286. We wanted to do this
before the white peopleCopy !req
287. try to adopt him
as one of their own...Copy !req
288. Again.Copy !req
289. Okay...Copy !req
290. Guess who's turn it is?Copy !req
291. White people.Copy !req
292. Let's see what direction
they go in.Copy !req
293. Halle Berry is still available,Copy !req
294. as is Mariah Carey's crazy ass.Copy !req
295. Cracker...Copy !req
296. That's very mature, Rondell.Copy !req
297. Thank you all, good afternoon.Copy !req
298. Excuse me.Copy !req
299. Pardon me.Copy !req
300. Hey, will you cut the malarkey?
Okay, I'm talking.Copy !req
301. There's a white man
talking up here!Copy !req
302. Silencio!Copy !req
303. Ungowa!Copy !req
304. Thank you— Damn it.Copy !req
305. We, the white delegation,Copy !req
306. are very proud to announce
our pick this year,Copy !req
307. Colin Powell!Copy !req
308. What?Copy !req
309. Colin Powell is not white.Copy !req
310. He's not even an Eighth White.Copy !req
311. He's 100% Black.Copy !req
312. Last I heard.Copy !req
313. Wow, I gotta wonder
how the BlacksCopy !req
314. are gonna be taking this one.Copy !req
315. We, the Black delegation,Copy !req
316. accept the white delegation's
offer to draft Colin Powell,Copy !req
317. on the condition that they
also accept Condoleezza RiceCopy !req
318. as a part of the deal.Copy !req
319. By the power invested in me,
by white people everywhereCopy !req
320. We accept. You got yourself
a goddamn deal.Copy !req
321. The Black delegation requests
Eminem.Copy !req
322. Wait a goddamn minute, Rondell,
that's not part of the bargain.Copy !req
323. I'm hustling, baby.Copy !req
324. All right, well, no hustling me.Copy !req
325. You're talking
to the ultimate hustler.Copy !req
326. I tell you what.Copy !req
327. Let's make all things fair,
we keep Eminem...Copy !req
328. You get O. J. Simpson.Copy !req
329. Yeah!Copy !req
330. Incredible!Copy !req
331. A first round absolutely
chock full of surprises.Copy !req
332. Unbelievable, Colin Powell
and Condoleezza RiceCopy !req
333. now officially white.Copy !req
334. O. J. Black again.Copy !req
335. What a day.Copy !req
336. You know,
if white people knewCopy !req
337. they were gonna get away
with picking a Black person,Copy !req
338. I bet they would have picked
Oprah.Copy !req
339. Oh, well, absolutely, Rob.Copy !req
340. Thick thighs, no felonies,Copy !req
341. she definitely would have
been a great pickup.Copy !req
342. Okay, the Chinese delegation
is up next.Copy !req
343. Although they're the last,Copy !req
344. they've been waiting with
zen-like patience.Copy !req
345. My guess is Yao Ming.Copy !req
346. He's been spending
a lot of time with BlacksCopy !req
347. learning slang and shit-talking.Copy !req
348. If they're not careful,
they might lose him.Copy !req
349. The Asian delegation chooses...Copy !req
350. The RZA, the GZA, U-GodCopy !req
351. Inspectah Deck,
Ghostface Killah,Copy !req
352. the Wu-Tang Clan!Copy !req
353. Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!Copy !req
354. But I have just heard it
with my own two ears.Copy !req
355. This is, by far,
the biggest upset of the night.Copy !req
356. The Chinese delegation
pulling a fast oneCopy !req
357. and choosing the entire
Wu-Tang Clan.Copy !req
358. Brooklyn!Copy !req
359. This is big boss, Yorkers.Copy !req
360. We always been
a fan of the kung fuCopy !req
361. and the Chinese culture,
and shit.Copy !req
362. So, yo, it's like bong-bong,
you know.Copy !req
363. Yeah, I wanna remind everybodyCopy !req
364. to, um, diversify your bonds.Copy !req
365. RZA got an announcement to make.Copy !req
366. Oh, yeah, Ol' Dirty
has now changed his nameCopy !req
367. from "Dirt McGirt",Copy !req
368. to "The Old Dirty Chinese
restaurant".Copy !req
369. Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang..Copy !req
370. Konichiwa, bitches.Copy !req
371. Folks, thanks for joining us
on this incredible night.Copy !req
372. Our coverage ends here,Copy !req
373. but be sure to catch
the rest on our website.Copy !req
374. Congratulations
to all the races.Copy !req
375. And Konichiwa bitches.Copy !req
376. We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.Copy !req
377. But don't go nowhere,Copy !req
378. we'll be right back
with more Chappelle Show.Copy !req
379. Okay!Copy !req
380. I'd like to thank
each and every one of youCopy !req
381. for being here tonight,Copy !req
382. and I'd like to thank everybody
at home for watching.Copy !req
383. And hopefully I'll see you
next week.Copy !req
384. I'm out.Copy !req
385. I'm rich, biatch!Copy !req
386. Hi, thank you.Copy !req
387. How's it taste, motherfucker?Copy !req
388. Huh?Copy !req
389. Will you stop yelling at me?Copy !req
390. No I can't stop yelling at you!Copy !req
391. This is my acting style!Copy !req
392. You haven't seen my movies?Copy !req
393. Jackie Brown!Copy !req
394. Star Wars!Copy !req
395. The one where I say,
"yes, they deserve to dieCopy !req
396. and I hope they burn in hell!"Copy !req
397. I was in that, too!Copy !req
398. I was in Juice,
with Tupac Shakur!Copy !req
399. Juice, nigga!Copy !req