Chappelle's Show 1x9

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Dave invades Japan in the sci-fi-themed "Blackzilla" and stars in his own video game. Dave also offers up a look at the "Player Hater's Ball." Also featuring musical performer The Roots.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Let's start the show.

2. Dave Chappelle!

3. Hey, hey!

4. Clippity-clappity,

5. clappity-clap!

6. I've gotta tell you guys,

7. when I'm not doing this show,

8. I play a lot of video games.

9. I don't know if you guys

10. are into them a lot,

11. but I love video games,

12. anytime, all the time.

13. I make love to my wife:

14. "Get off me."

15. Turn on PlayStation.

16. I just want points, man.

17. My whole life's like

18. Vice City, man, look.

19. It's crazy, man, you'll see.

20. Look, just look at this.

21. I'll see you, baby.

22. Bye.

23. Bye-bye.

24. Sorry, I need this!

25. What are you doing?

26. Not if I can help it.

27. Ow! Oh!

28. The name's Chappelle.

29. Bye, baby, I'll see you later.

30. I love ya!

31. I was recently overseas

32. in Japan. I'm not braggin'.

33. I got a lot of respect in Japan.

34. I've never been treated

35. so well by people.

36. I would say that I was loved

37. and feared at the same time.

38. I have footage of my vacation,

39. and I would like to share it

40. with you right now.

41. Ahh...

42. Ohh!

43. All y'all right here,

44. I got something for ya.

45. I got something for all y'all.

46. Oh, no, he pull his pants down!

47. That's no snake, honey.

48. Oh, snap!

49. I thought you was locked up.

50. You have a problem, huh?

51. Ooh!

52. Oh, no!

53. Yee!

54. Yah!

55. Yeah!

56. I'm from the streets, bitch!

57. Oh, no!

58. Oh, ooh! Hot, hot!

59. Oh, no, not stick.

60. Ahh! Ahh!

61. Ah!

62. Um...

63. I'll call you sometime

64. or come around or something.

65. I'll be back.

66. We're gonna take

67. a quick commercial break.

68. We'll be right back, folks,

69. with more Chappelle's Show.

70. So don't go anywhere.

71. Man, I'm bored.

72. I gotta go

73. to the Chappelle show.

74. You know, folks...

75. Tonight is actually

76. a very special night.

77. I was in negotiations

78. with Comedy Central

79. to do a one-hour special—

80. much like I did on HBO.

81. Very excited about it, and then,

82. suddenly the negotiations

83. fell apart

84. 'cause they didn't have

85. the money that I wanted.

86. They won't budge.

87. But they did, they did

88. come up with enough money

89. for me to do

90. a two-minute special.

91. Yes, and tonight,

92. you are the lucky crowd

93. that gets to see it.

94. So everyone, just sit tight.

95. I'm gonna go in the back

96. and we're gonna start

97. shootin' this puppy.

98. All right, let's get it goin'.

99. Ladies and gentlemen,

100. give it up right now

101. for Dave Chappelle!

102. Whassup?

103. How y'all feelin'?

104. I gotta get right into it,

105. I don't have a lot of time now.

106. I wanna talk about the war.

107. I wanna tell y'all how

108. I really feel about the war.

109. Y'all ready to hear

110. how I feel about the war?

111. Y'all ready to hear

112. how I feel about Bush?

113. Well, this is how I feel—

114. Thank you very much, good night!

115. Fuckin' pay me!

116. Hey, guys.

117. Do any of you guys watch

118. those documentaries on HBO?

119. Those, uh, Hookers and Johns?

120. Yeah.

121. Did anybody see that one,

122. Pimps Up, Ho's Down?

123. I just seen their new one,

124. and I got an advanced copy

125. on it,

126. you're gonna love it.

127. Check it out.

128. Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'?

129. Like, real hatin', man,

130. that's like an art form, man.

131. You know, it's like,

132. you like a born hater.

133. You know, like myself,

134. a lot of cats think they hatin'.

135. I mean, I'm mad at everything,

136. man.

137. Brother got a nice car—

138. "Man, why you got a car?

139. I only got one car.

140. "Why you got three cars

141. or a wife or all that?

142. Man, that's played out."

143. I hate on a nigga

144. 'til he's totally broke,

145. and ain't got nothin' like me,

146. you know what I'm sayin'?

147. 'Cause, yeah, that's what

148. real hatin' is all about, man.

149. Hey, what's poppin', everybody?

150. The evil star here,

151. wanna welcome you

152. to The Fifth Annual Player

153. Haters Award, uh, ceremony.

154. This gala affair, we, uh,

155. we host this once a year.

156. We honor the most

157. prestigious verbal abusers,

158. uh, on the planet.

159. Again, I'm hating

160. all them Koreans.

161. Is that a cut on beauty?

162. The Player Haters ball

163. gives us an opportunity

164. to hate on a diverse array

165. of Mark-ass marks,

166. trick-ass marks, punk bitches

167. and skip-scap skanks

168. and scallywags...

169. Hos, heifers, hee-haws

170. and hula hoops.

171. Man, you oughta take that cane

172. and beat whoever

173. made that suit to death.

174. Why don't you vacuum that coat,

175. man?

176. Well, well, well!

177. The most diabolical haters

178. this side of the Mississippi.

179. Buc nasty, what can I say

180. about that suit

181. that hasn't already been

182. said about Afghanistan?

183. It looks bombed out

184. and depleted.

185. And of course,

186. the so-called "beautiful."

187. Why don't you click your heels

188. together three times

189. and go back to Africa?

190. And as for you, Boss Hogg,

191. very insulting what you said

192. about my coat.

193. It's made out of

194. your mother's pubic hair.

195. Quite shitty.

196. Now, if you'll excuse me,

197. I'm gonna go take my throne

198. 'cause I'm a shoo-in...

199. For hater of the year.

200. The Player Haters ball

201. is not always about

202. hating on one another.

203. We play games with each other,

204. too.

205. Like our annual photo flip.

206. Oh. Damn.

207. Oh, my God.

208. Little-ass teeth?

209. Nigga got dolphin teeth.

210. Arsenio hall teeth!

211. He always says he doesn't want

212. anyone to see him shine,

213. but the nigga looks shiny to me.

214. Looks like Malcolm X before

215. he converted to Islam.

216. Next.

217. Thank you, Miss Effie.

218. Good lord, almighty,

219. it's Osama bin Laden.

220. That motherfucker pumped

221. my gas in my car

222. on the way over here.

223. That's ironic, because

224. I take yoga classes from him.

225. Next picture, please.

226. I like the song the girl sings,

227. Papa, Don't Preach.

228. I got a song for you too, bitch.

229. It's called,

230. Daughter, Don't Sing.

231. Next picture, please.

232. It's boy George!

233. Now, that man right there

234. I'd hate to fight.

235. She wears underwear

236. with dick holes in 'em.

237. Now to present the award

238. for Player Hater of the year—

239. Ice T.!

240. You look like Bill Cosby

241. on crack!

242. I'd like to welcome

243. all you ignorant-ass bitches,

244. critics, complainers,

245. disgruntled rappers,

246. ha, and racists especially,

247. to the Ninth Annual

248. International Player

249. Haters Ball!

250. Oh, man, hate, hate, hate...

251. Hate, hate, hate, hate...

252. Hate, hate, hate, hate,

253. hate, hate, hate, hate.

254. Oh, man, you corny!

255. Next nigga say somethin'

256. while I'm talkin'

257. is gettin' shot,

258. please believe that.

259. Hate, hate, hate,

260. hate, hate!

261. So without further ado,

262. let me give you the nominations

263. for Player Hater of the year.

264. Y'all ready?

265. First up...

266. Buc Nasty!

267. Clap for me, bitch!

268. Buc Nasty is nominated for...

269. Getting his best friend's wife

270. pregnant,

271. then tricking

272. his best friend into

273. raising the little motherfucker.

274. Yeah, holla at your boy.

275. Damn, that's hateful!

276. The next nominee is Pitbull.

277. Pitbull is nominated

278. for calling the police

279. on the drug dealers that moved

280. next door to his house,

281. not because it was

282. the right thing to do,

283. just because he was jealous of

284. all the money they was makin'.

285. Pitbull!

286. Finally, the one and only...

287. Silky Johnson!

288. Silky Johnson is nominated

289. for calling in a bomb threat

290. to the special Olympics, man!

291. Hate, hate, hate,

292. hate, hate!

293. The winner of The Ninth Annual

294. Player Hater

295. of the year award is...

296. Look like a bootleg

297. Ice T.!

298. Silky Johnston!

299. Kiss my ass!

300. I'm the biggest hater!

301. Silky mink made out of

302. 100% rat ass!

303. Hit me, baby.

304. That, of course,

305. was beautiful talkin'.

306. Beautiful on the weekends

307. does stunts for little Richard

308. in gay movies.

309. First off, I would like

310. to thank God almighty

311. for giving everybody so much...

312. And me so little.

313. I hate you, I hate you,

314. I don't even know you,

315. and I hate your guts.

316. I hope all the bad things

317. in life happen to you

318. and nobody else but you.

319. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate!

320. And as I sip my soda

321. that I'm sure somebody spit in

322. I just would like to say

323. to all of you,

324. kiss my ass,

325. you rotten motherfuckers.

326. Now, if you'll excuse me,

327. I'm gonna go home

328. and put some water

329. in Buc Nasty's mama's dish.

330. Good evening.

331. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,

332. hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...

333. I will be right back,

334. I will see you shortly.

335. Come back, don't go anywhere.

336. You got more Chappelle's Show

337. after these messages.

338. I would like to thank all of you

339. for being here with me tonight.

340. You're great.

341. And I'd like to thank you

342. at home for watching.

343. Tune in next week

344. and we'll see you on

345. Chappelle's Show.

346. I'm rich, biatch!

347. - Hi, thank you!

348. Silky mama got one big titty

349. and one little titty,

350. and they call that

351. bitch "biggie smalls"!

352. Hit me three times, baby.

353. He looks like a broke-ass...

354. He looks like a broke-ass...

355. He looks like a broke-ass...

356. He looks like a broke-ass...

357. Sexual, broke, uh,

358. sexual chocolate.

359. Is that the word?

360. I wish you ill, Ice T.

361. That's right, that's right.