Chappelle's Show 1x8

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Dave looks at what really happened behind the scenes of the movies "Ghost" and "Half Baked." Dave goes inside the racism present among Hollywood's animal stars. Dave also returns as crackhead Tyrone Biggums, whose friends stage an intervention and take him to a rehab center. Also featuring a musical performance by Slum Village.

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1. Let's start the show.

2. Ladies and gentlemen,

3. put your hands together

4. for Dave Chappelle!

5. Man...

6. Thank you so much.

7. Thanks for joining us, you guys.

8. Welcome back to another episode of Chappelle's Show.

9. Now, a lot of us go to the movies

10. and they seem a little fake, don't they?

11. And, certain moments, you can't suspend your disbelief.

12. Crocodile Dundee, for example.

13. Remember when the brother come up and,

14. "Give me your money, Crocodile Dundee."

15. "Oh, that's not a knife.

16. This is a knife."

17. Any Black dude in New York would have been like,

18. "Well, then this is a gun."

19. The point is, those movies are phony-baloney,

20. so tonight I bring to you the real versions

21. of some of my favorite movies.

22. One of my favorite love movies,

23. Ghost.

24. Where you find that even the afterlife

25. can't separate you from true love.

26. Molly...

27. Molly,

28. Molly.

29. Hey, Molly,

30. your husband's clothes fit funny, girl.

31. Well, they look better on you than they ever did on him.

32. Why don't you take 'em off?

33. - Not a bad idea. - Mm-hmm.

34. You ready to get some of this lovin'?

35. You bet your ass I am.

36. It's my dumb-ass husband who's dead, not me.

37. You ready to step into the jungle?

38. Ooh, yeah!

39. What do you say?

40. Oh, man! - Molly!

41. Oh, nigga, you know I see you.

42. You know... Yeah, I'm looking right at you.

43. You, the ghost, nigga, I see you.

44. You're freaky, man. You like to watch?

45. You wanna watch?

46. How this make you feel?

47. Whoo!

48. Hey, man, life's got to go on, right?

49. Life's got to go on, life's got to go on.

50. Now, I don't want to pick on everybody else

51. without, uh, making fun of myself, so...

52. Let's take a look at the, uh, real version

53. of a little movie called Half Baked, where...

54. I think we all know the story,

55. friend gets locked in jail,

56. then his three friends have to sell reefer to make the bail.

57. - Yo, Thurgood. - Aah!

58. Yo, wake up, man.

59. Yo, Kenny didn't come home last night, B.

60. We're really worried, man.

61. Yo, he's in jail, yo.

62. - Jail? - Yeah.

63. I got it.

64. Why don't I break into the lab where I'm working?

65. They got weed there, I'll steal it,

66. we can sell it, and we'll make his bail.

67. - I don't want to do that.

68. - No, man. - No.

69. Alright.

70. Y'all wanna smoke some weed?

71. - Yeah! - Hell, yeah, B!

72. Wassup?

73. Kenny's on his own, then.

74. We need a new roommate!

75. Yo, fuck Kenny, B.

76. I hope he gets fucked in his butt in jail!

77. Booty-fuck Kenny, man.

78. Knock, knock.

79. Who's there?

80. Some skits, biatch!

81. The year was 1955,

82. and Danny Corey had never had sex.

83. In fact, he had never even kissed a girl.

84. but all his rookie inexperience gave him one clear advantage,

85. a total lack of fear.

86. When you're that young and horny,

87. you got nothing to lose.

88. During a screening of Rebel Without a Cause,

89. Corey had a brilliant idea.

90. Using his Boy Scout pocket knife,

91. He quickly carved a hole in the popcorn tub,

92. to give his date more than just popcorn.

93. This is a brilliant move.

94. Notice that he bought the large tub of corn,

95. he bought butter,

96. he arranges it on his lap, smiles at her,

97. and this is where it happens,

98. right... here!

99. She realizes what she's touching and continues.

100. Brilliant... Just brilliant!

101. The "Penis in the Popcorn"

102. is a classic

103. That has set a new standard

104. for reckless and desperate men everywhere.

105. And we, including myself...

106. because that's how I got this...

107. Wish to thank Danny Corey.

108. Danny Corey would go down as a hook-up legend,

109. joining Harvey Randolph,

110. the inventor of the "We Are Out Of Gas" move,

111. and Joey Newsom,

112. the inventor of the seemingly platonic sleepover

113. that ends in dry-humping

114. and, eventually, insertion.

115. All of them great men, all of them pioneers.

116. This has been,

117. Great Moments in Hook-Up History.

118. Alright, y'all, look,

119. we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

120. We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

121. Man, I'm bored.

122. I gotta go to the Chappelle's Show.

123. Good evening, I'm Kent Wallace.

124. Since its inception,

125. Hollywood has often been accused of racism.

126. but is it racist?

127. And if so, who are the culprits?

128. Frontline embarked on a journey to answer these questions

129. and what we uncovered...

130. may shock you.

131. For years, Rin Tin Tin was adored

132. by countless Americans for his TV exploits.

133. - Who stole the silver?

134. Twelve of them? Good boy, Rin.

135. His acts of heroism and undying loyalty

136. to his master were his trademarks.

137. That is, until recent allegations surfaced.

138. This is Justin Wilkes,

139. a security guard in Montgomery, Alabama.

140. For three decades, he has waged

141. a personal crusade against the canine star.

142. That dog that you call "Rin Tin Tin",

143. I call "Racist".

144. I saw the show. I saw the dog.

145. I said, "Where do I know this dog from?"

146. And it hit me.

147. Selma, Alabama, 1957 riots,

148. in front of Woolworth!

149. So, you're saying

150. that's you in the classic civil rights footage.

151. Okay, see, that's a discrepancy right there.

152. What you calling "classic civil rights footage,"

153. I call "footage of me getting bit on my ass

154. by a German Shepherd

155. from Dusseldorf, Germany."

156. If you would like to see,

157. there's actually bite marks on my ass that can prove it.

158. We hunted down the dental records

159. of the dog who played Rin Tin Tin.

160. A few days later, Mr. Wilkes returned,

161. and a canine dental expert

162. compared the records with his scar.

163. This is, uh, most definitely

164. a match right here.

165. What I say?

166. Come on, what did I say?

167. That opened the floodgates.

168. In subsequent weeks, more African-Americans

169. came forward with similar accusations

170. against iconic animals,

171. breaking decades of silence.

172. Mr. Ed.

173. I worked with him

174. for two years.

175. That disgusting, bigot-ass horse!

176. Mr. Ed, take four.

177. Oh, I better get out of here.

178. Took ya l-l-long enough, n-n-nigger.

179. I'll cut you, I'mma cut you, do you hear me?

180. Boys, get her away from me!

181. I know where you live, Mr. Ed. I'm gonna cut you.

182. There were also many rumors

183. of his off-camera activities.

184. Frontline was sent, anonymously...

185. This picture

186. with this not-so-subtle note attached,

187. "Dear Frontline, this is Mr. Ed."

188. But worse than Mr. Ed,

189. worse even than Rin Tin Tin,

190. were the accusations lobbed at Flipper.

191. It's James, the nigger-hating dolphin!

192. Get out!

193. Shocking.

194. Unfortunately, none of the animals in question

195. are alive to offer a rebuttal.

196. However, the estate of Mr. Ed did issue this statement,

197. "We deeply regret

198. the way Mr. Ed was taken advantage of by the Klan.

199. If it's any consolation,

200. his best friend

201. was The Black Stallion."

202. Next time on Frontline, we expose

203. racist Hollywood automobiles,

204. and hear disturbing audio

205. from the hit TV show Knight Rider.

206. Puerto Ricans are lazy, Michael.

207. I'm Kent Wallace.

208. Good night.

209. Ever see that movie with Mel Gibson,

210. uh, What Women Want,

211. where he could read women's minds?

212. See, that's the kind of movie

213. you could only do with a guy like Mel Gibson.

214. You couldn't do the opposite of that movie,

215. What Men Want, 'cause it'd be too gross and disgusting.

216. I wonder what it'd look like?

217. Well, let's take a look at what it'd look like.

218. Man, if I could just slide a finger down

219. the crack of that ass.

220. [man 1] Oh, mama.

221. [man 2] I wish my boys could see this.

222. [man 3] Damn, look at the ass on that one.

223. [man 4] I want to have doggy-style sex with her, ugh.

224. [man 5] Damn!

225. [man 1] Look at them nipples, man.

226. I would put a hurtin' on that bitch.

227. Damn!

228. And on that note, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

229. We'll be right back, everybody, with more Chappelle's Show.

230. Stick around.

231. Okay.

232. Oh, man, thanks.

233. You know,

234. way back on the second episode,

235. I did this piece about a, uh, a crack addict

236. coming to a drug-awareness week at a school.

237. I got a lot of complaints about it.

238. I got a lot of letters about it.

239. A lot of people said I was insensitive, so...

240. I brought him back again to the show.

241. Make some noise. Tyrone Biggums.

242. Okay, okay, remember now, we're not here to judge anybody,

243. we want to handle this with love, right?

244. You want to tell him how his drug abuse

245. has hurt you, and he hurt himself, okay?

246. Harold, what time did you tell him to be here?

247. Five o'clock, but he always late.

248. No, he'll be here...

249. in three, two, one...

250. Is this the five o'clock free crack giveaway?

251. Y'all tell anybody, I'll kill ya!

252. I'll kill ya!

253. Peanut butter and crack sandwich.

254. Look out, crack, here I come!

255. This week, Tyrone gets invited to an intervention.

256. Oh, ya... Lock the door, good idea.

257. Hey. Okay, Tyrone,

258. do you know why you're here?

259. Mm-hmm, I'm here for same reasons you is, man,

260. I want some crack.

261. - Crack. Okay, Tyrone,

262. we are not giving crack away today.

263. - Uh-uh... - No, no.

264. - What time is it? - It's five o'clock.

265. Did I miss the five o'clock free crack giveaway?

266. Tyrone... Tyrone, these are your friends here,

267. and they have something they'd like to say to you.

268. I've been tricked!

269. Okay, Tyrone,

270. I'm what is known as an intervention counselor.

271. - Oh! - Yeah.

272. And these people would like to talk to you

273. about your drug use.

274. What are you talking about, man? I don't do drugs.

275. What y'all tell him, huh?

276. Come on, Benedict Arnolds!

277. What y'all tell him?

278. Okay, Rhonda, would you like to go first?

279. This is ridiculous!

280. What is going on in here?

281. Do we get crack at the end?

282. Tyrone,

283. you know I love you,

284. but I feel like drugs is hurting you

285. and they're hurting me.

286. Tyrone, I was very hurt that you carjacked me that time.

287. What you talking about, Rhonda?

288. I would never carjack that ugly-ass car.

289. Get out the car!

290. Tyrone, what are you doing?

291. Who's Tyrone, huh?

292. I don't know Tyrone!

293. No, it's you with your crusty-ass lips!

294. Stop playin', Rhonda, get out the car!

295. Get out the car!

296. I don't know any Tyrone!

297. Look, the police found you three hours later

298. in my car, asleep, high on crack.

299. That's impossible, Rhonda.

300. How can you sleep if you're high on crack, hmm?

301. It's a Chinese riddle for you.

302. Okay,

303. let's have, uh, Jenny and Rob.

304. I ain't do that, Rhonda.

305. Tyrone, we opened our home to you.

306. You let your addiction

307. lead you to abuse our trust.

308. Oh, Jenny, Rob, look, y'all,

309. it's me you're talking to,

310. I... I would never hurt you.

311. Oh, don't play dumb with us, Tyrone.

312. I remember the whole speech.

313. I just need $200,

314. I take these real estate classes,

315. and I'm back on my feet, baby.

316. I'm serious, Rob,

317. it's me, baby, it's Tyrone.

318. I'm cleaning up my act.

319. - Okay. - Tyrone!

320. Rob, Jenny, y'all ain't gonna be sorry about this.

321. Oh!

322. I studied my ass off for that real estate test.

323. We're off to my mother's.

324. We'll be back Sunday evening.

325. The number's on the fridge if you need anything.

326. Okay, bye, Jenny. Bye, Rob.

327. I passed my test

328. and was a certified real estate agent.

329. Good for you, Tyrone.

330. Yeah, damn right, good for him.

331. He sold our house and kept the money.

332. $450,000!

333. Where's the money, Tyrone?

334. He spent it on a party.

335. Took out an ad for it in the paper.

336. You didn't get your invitation for that party?

337. oh, Rob, you should have seen it,

338. we had a pile of crack this high.

339. - I had a heart attack. - Heart attack, yeah.

340. I'll give you a heart attack!

341. - Rob, Rob, Rob! Rob!

342. Come on, come on, come on.

343. I'm getting a restraining order against you, Rob.

344. Harold, why don't you go next?

345. Alright.

346. Tyrone,

347. I'm here because I love you.

348. Well, if you love me so much, Harold,

349. why'd you get me fired from the post office, huh?

350. Do you know how many people on your route

351. complained of receiving open mail?

352. Seven?

353. Hundred and thirty-six, Tyrone.

354. And then there was the incident with the powder.

355. Oh!

356. Attention, everybody,

357. Be on the lookout for any envelopes marked

358. "Senator Tom Daschle" or "Tom Brokaw".

359. It might contain anthrax.

360. For your information, that's a little white powder.

361. Harold,

362. is anthrax bad?

363. - Yes, Tyrone. - Oh.

364. And if it fell into the wrong hands,

365. it could be big trouble.

366. I got that anthrax and it's the bomb, baby.

367. Sixty bucks!

368. If that man hadn't turned you in,

369. it would've been a disaster.

370. Y'all act like crack is so bad!

371. Well, like the Good Book says,

372. "Let he who is without sin,

373. throwe-th the first rock

374. and I shal-t smoke-th it."

375. Basically, Tyrone,

376. we would like you to check into rehabilitation immediately.

377. Oh!

378. Alright, okay.

379. Fine, fine.

380. You know what?

381. I need to get better, y'all are right.

382. But first step is first, I need to go to the bathroom,

383. And then I'm on my way to recovery, Rhonda.

384. I got the key.

385. And that wasn't me, Rhonda!

386. Go to the bathroom!

387. Okay, thank...

388. I've got it from here, thank you.

389. I'll be right out.

390. Oh!

391. Oh, why didn't they say there ain't no windows in here?

392. Oh!

393. Here goes nothin'!

394. Drugs have...

395. ruined my life!

396. We're gonna take a quick commercial break,

397. but don't worry,

398. we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

399. I'd like to thank my studio audience for hangin' out,

400. and, of course, I'd like to thank you at home.

401. God bless ya. And I'll see ya next week.

402. God bless America!

403. Hi, thank you.

404. We're really worried about him, Thurgood.

405. What happened to him?

406. Yo, he's in jail, yo.

407. Oh, my God, jail.

408. Hey, hey, why don't we break into that lab where I work?

409. They got weed there.

410. We'll sell the weed and make his bail.

411. - No. - No, man.

412. Yo, why don't we sell crack, yo?

413. - Yeah. - Right?

414. That's a lot more lucrative.

415. Hell, yeah, baby.

416. We can grab some booty.

417. We're gonna sell some crack.

418. Crack, it is!

419. We're crack dealers, man!

420. Yo, let's be crackheads, yo.