1. Let's start the show.Copy !req
2. Well, I'm a comedian,
I travel a lot,Copy !req
3. and needless to say...
I get horny out there.Copy !req
4. I'm a chronic masturbator.Copy !req
5. I tried whacking off
with my P.C.,Copy !req
6. but I felt like it was
just too much clickity-clack,Copy !req
7. clickity-clack...Copy !req
8. with my mac, I mean,
the video resolution is so clearCopy !req
9. I can see parts of the vagina
that I didn't even know existed.Copy !req
10. Labias and flabias
and flip-flaps— man!Copy !req
11. I'm a chronic masturbator.Copy !req
12. I don't know what
they make the keys out of,Copy !req
13. but, whatever it is,
it's non-stick.Copy !req
14. And then with iTunes,Copy !req
15. I can actually listen
to some of my favorite musicCopy !req
16. while I'm masturbating.Copy !req
17. I'm Dave Chappelle
and I love internet porn.Copy !req
18. Dave Chappelle...!Copy !req
19. Ho...!Copy !req
20. Hooray...
hooray for me.Copy !req
21. You know, I'm glad y'all came.Copy !req
22. Man, I'm glad that we're
not cancelled yet.Copy !req
23. We've been going hard.Copy !req
24. Uh, tonight I wanted to tackle
something kind of serious.Copy !req
25. I don't know if anybody
has seen me on Donahue recently.Copy !req
26. Has anyone seen that?
Thank God.Copy !req
27. Didn't go quite
as well as I thought it wouldCopy !req
28. because I was unprepared.Copy !req
29. The topic was
"Angry white men".Copy !req
30. So they said, "Well, let's get
Dave Chappelle for that.Copy !req
31. Maybe he'll be able to throw
something in the conversation."Copy !req
32. I said, "well, okay,
I'll come over,"Copy !req
33. 'cause I'm thinkingCopy !req
34. we're actually gonna
have a conversation.Copy !req
35. but what happens
on these shows is all the guestsCopy !req
36. have an agenda,
they come in there,Copy !req
37. and they'll say the same things
over and over again.Copy !req
38. And I thought
we was just gonna be talking,Copy !req
39. so halfway through the show,
I just gave up.Copy !req
40. I have the tape,
I'll show you some of the tape.Copy !req
41. It was embarrassing, man.Copy !req
42. You know what's happened?Copy !req
43. Here's what's happened
because of that thinking—Copy !req
44. As well intentioned
as it may be—Copy !req
45. Is you have taken
the white people and you have,Copy !req
46. A: Made them angry,
and, B: You talk...Copy !req
47. white people talk amongst
each other...Copy !req
48. when they see a black personCopy !req
49. in a job in a company,Copy !req
50. they say, "He is
an affirmative action hire..."Copy !req
51. "He's an
affirmative action hire."Copy !req
52. That's a lot better than saying,
"Hey, that nigga's homeless".Copy !req
53. I'd much rather be called
"An affirmative action hire"Copy !req
54. than "Broke and unemployed".Copy !req
55. As you can see, though,
from the tape,Copy !req
56. I really didn't
have nothing to say.Copy !req
57. I was, like, "should I just
choke somebody, or...?"Copy !req
58. All right, all right,
let's take another look,Copy !req
59. see what else we got here.Copy !req
60. I think one of the
underlying issues here isCopy !req
61. affirmative action forces
somebody—Copy !req
62. you're forcing people,Copy !req
63. and anytime
you force somebody,Copy !req
64. I don't know
about you gentlemen,Copy !req
65. but I don't like to be forced.Copy !req
66. when I'm pushed,Copy !req
67. I'm only pushed so far...
and then I push back.Copy !req
68. "Forced."Copy !req
69. Oh, you mean,
like, "Slavery forced"?Copy !req
70. Remember that thing where you
forced us to work, huh?Copy !req
71. What did you think?
black people was, like,Copy !req
72. "No problem, boss, I'd love to!"Copy !req
73. Man, that was infuriating, man.Copy !req
74. But, I, for one,
I'm gonna say it publicly,Copy !req
75. not only am I for
affirmative action,Copy !req
76. I will take it a step further...Copy !req
77. I want my reparations
for slavery.Copy !req
78. That's right.Copy !req
79. I'm trying to get paid
for the work of my forefathers.Copy !req
80. Done and done.Copy !req
81. The only thing
that I would say,Copy !req
82. is if we do ever get
our reparations,Copy !req
83. which I doubt,Copy !req
84. but if we do, we black people
have got to get together,Copy !req
85. and come up with
a plan for the money.Copy !req
86. This is a consumer-based
economy.Copy !req
87. You can't just give
black people all this moneyCopy !req
88. and turn them loose
on the streets.Copy !req
89. That could be
a potential disaster.Copy !req
90. I wonder what would happen
if someone actually did that.Copy !req
91. Hmm...Copy !req
92. And now
a NewsCenter 3 special reportCopy !req
93. with Frank Dobson
and Chuck Taylor.Copy !req
94. Good afternoon,
I'm Chuck Taylor.Copy !req
95. Frank Dobson died last
night in his sleep.Copy !req
96. Our top story,
as we all know,Copy !req
97. congress recently approved
paying overCopy !req
98. a trillion dollars
to African-AmericansCopy !req
99. as reparations for slavery.Copy !req
100. Well, today the first
checks were sent out.Copy !req
101. Wendy Mullin is standing
by live in Queens with more.Copy !req
102. Wendy?Copy !req
103. Thanks, Chuck.
we're standing here in frontCopy !req
104. of the Olympic liquor store
in Queens,Copy !req
105. where scores of
African-Americans have beenCopy !req
106. lined up for hours.Copy !req
107. We spoke to a few of them
earlier.Copy !req
108. Ladies, may we get a word?Copy !req
109. Hide the money, y'all!
there's poor people 'round.Copy !req
110. With your broke ass!Copy !req
111. Sir, now that you've got
your check,Copy !req
112. do you plan on quitting
your job driving this truck?Copy !req
113. Truck driver?Copy !req
114. I ain't no truck driver,
I'm a janitor.Copy !req
115. Janitor?Copy !req
116. That's right, baby, I just
bought this truck straight cash.Copy !req
117. Now, I got enough cigarettes
to last me and my familyCopy !req
118. for the rest of our lives.Copy !req
119. I'm rich, biatch!Copy !req
120. So, Chuck, as you can see,
it's been a pretty amazing day.Copy !req
121. Back to you.Copy !req
122. Wait, Wendy,
let me get this straight.Copy !req
123. Why aren't there
any banks in the ghetto?Copy !req
124. Well, Chuck, that's because
banks hate black people,Copy !req
125. but I think
that's about to change.Copy !req
126. Back to you.Copy !req
127. I bet you're right, Wendy.Copy !req
128. Hot damn almighty,Copy !req
129. I bet you're right.Copy !req
130. Well, these checks aren't just
affecting things on beat street.Copy !req
131. Wall street is having
a big day, as well.Copy !req
132. Our financial correspondent
Michael Peterson is there.Copy !req
133. Michael, what's happening?Copy !req
134. Chuck, a lot of activity,Copy !req
135. as you can imagine,
here on the market.Copy !req
136. These people are spending
money like hotcakes.Copy !req
137. Get this, sprint
stock has skyrocketedCopy !req
138. after the news that two millionCopy !req
139. Delinquent phone bills
have been paidCopy !req
140. just this morning, incredible.Copy !req
141. Gold is way up.Copy !req
142. Diamonds are at their
most expensive level ever.Copy !req
143. The catchphrase around here is
certainly, "bling, bling!"Copy !req
144. Oil has dropped
to $1.50 a barrel,Copy !req
145. while chicken shot
to $600 a bucket.Copy !req
146. amazing news there.Copy !req
147. Just about everything
on the market is up,Copy !req
148. however, watermelon
is surprisingly flat,Copy !req
149. defying many analysts out there.Copy !req
150. Chuck, get this,
8,000 record labelsCopy !req
151. have been started
in the last hour.Copy !req
152. Incredible.Copy !req
153. Cadillac announced that
they sold three millionCopy !req
154. escalade trucks
this afternoon alone.Copy !req
155. It's incredible, Chuck,Copy !req
156. these people just seem
to be breaking their necksCopy !req
157. to give this money
right back to us.Copy !req
158. Folks, I am happy to report thatCopy !req
159. the recession is now
officially over,Copy !req
160. and we have nobody to thank,Copy !req
161. but all these black people,Copy !req
162. with their taste
for expensive clothes,Copy !req
163. fancy cars, and,
of course, gaudy jewelry.Copy !req
164. Uh, Chuck,
I can't believe my ears,Copy !req
165. the news just keeps
rolling in here.Copy !req
166. I have just been told
that FUBU—Copy !req
167. FUBU is now
the world's largest corporationCopy !req
168. after merging with
Kentucky Fried Chicken.Copy !req
169. this is another amazing
developmentCopy !req
170. on an already amazing day,
Chuck.Copy !req
171. Flabbergasting,Copy !req
172. A truly wild day that none
of us will ever forget,Copy !req
173. no matter how hard we try.Copy !req
174. We're gonna take a short break,
but when we come back,Copy !req
175. the crime rate
has fallen to 0%.Copy !req
176. How could that be?Copy !req
177. Did the Mexicans
get money today too?Copy !req
178. I shouldn't have said that.Copy !req
179. Listen, I think we'll be
alright.Copy !req
180. Mexicans don't watch the news.Copy !req
181. Now, if this was Telemundo...Copy !req
182. Hey, we're gonna pay
some bills over hereCopy !req
183. at Comedy Central,
but don't go anywhere,Copy !req
184. 'cause we'll be here when you
get back, chilling.Copy !req
185. A secret 1986 document
from a major tobacco companyCopy !req
186. contains the following passage:Copy !req
187. "Cigarette smoking can
result in feelings of Euphoria,Copy !req
188. increased alertness,Copy !req
189. rises in short-term memory,Copy !req
190. and can have a calming effect
on nerves."Copy !req
191. And, you know, they're
not bad after unprotected sexCopy !req
192. with multiple partners, either.Copy !req
193. Hey, scooter,
you trying to get some of this?Copy !req
194. Come on, dog,
look how cool I look.Copy !req
195. I was talking 'bout
the cigarettes, but come on in!Copy !req
196. Man, we're just having us
a blast here in the studio.Copy !req
197. Man, this is great,Copy !req
198. and I gotta tell you,
you guys are oneCopy !req
199. of the best-looking audiences
I've ever seen in my life.Copy !req
200. I wouldn't lie to you.Copy !req
201. I've been looking around
from the back,Copy !req
202. scoping out the ladies...Copy !req
203. you know what I like about
ladies the most,Copy !req
204. like, when I look
at how beautiful they are?Copy !req
205. Their titties.Copy !req
206. I'm sorry to say it,
there's something about boobs.Copy !req
207. I'm a sucker for boobies.Copy !req
208. I mean, you know,
I can't explain it.Copy !req
209. It's just, you know, especially,
in the summertime,Copy !req
210. when y'all girls
in New York be, like,Copy !req
211. taking 'em out on that paradeCopy !req
212. before you pack them
away for the winter.Copy !req
213. and then a dude will
see one of y'all walking by,Copy !req
214. and we want to say
something to you,Copy !req
215. I don't think it would be
so bad if it was just, like,Copy !req
216. "Man, you got some great boobs."Copy !req
217. But, you know, girls get
mad at these kinds of things,Copy !req
218. they don't like that.Copy !req
219. They'll put 'em in your face...
but, it's, like,Copy !req
220. "Don't talk about 'em, just..."Copy !req
221. But it's all right, gentlemen,Copy !req
222. because, I, for myself,
have put my mind to it,Copy !req
223. and devised a way
that I can compliment womenCopy !req
224. on their breasts and they will
not get angry.Copy !req
225. I had a blast doing it.Copy !req
226. Check it out.Copy !req
227. Hi, everybody, I'm Lyle,Copy !req
228. Standing in New York city,Copy !req
229. boob capital of North America,Copy !req
230. Looking for great
New York boobs.Copy !req
231. 'Scuse me, pardon me, miss.Copy !req
232. Hi, can I talk to you
for one second?Copy !req
233. Pardon me, can I talk
to you for my T.V show?Copy !req
234. Please, don't run.Copy !req
235. Boy, she had some sweet
New York boobs.Copy !req
236. Hi, guys, I'm Lyle, and you
have great New York boobs.Copy !req
237. Oh, my God!Copy !req
238. Hi, what's your name?Copy !req
239. - Jeannie.
- Jeannie?Copy !req
240. You have great New York boobs.Copy !req
241. Oh!Copy !req
242. Fantastic.Copy !req
243. This is Joe Rogan
from NBC's fear factor.Copy !req
244. - Hello, ladies.
- Hello.Copy !req
245. Can I tell you something?Copy !req
246. What?Copy !req
247. You have great New York boobs.Copy !req
248. Are we talking "C" cups?Copy !req
249. "D" cups, perhaps?Copy !req
250. Yes, "C", "C" cups.Copy !req
251. Well, I'd drink from
those "c" cups any day.Copy !req
252. Fabulous.Copy !req
253. They rest on my arm
like an eagle on a perch.Copy !req
254. These are some of the best boobs
you can see in the city.Copy !req
255. Br-br-br-Bromsky.Copy !req
256. Please, don't run, they're busy.Copy !req
257. And this is Joe Rogan
from NBCs fear factor.Copy !req
258. - Can I tell you something?
- Yes.Copy !req
259. You have great
New York boobs.Copy !req
260. Thanks...Copy !req
261. Fabulous.Copy !req
262. That's my dad, man.Copy !req
263. Well, sir...Copy !req
264. You have fabulous genetics.Copy !req
265. That's all I can tell youCopy !req
266. because you helped make a great
set of New York boobs.Copy !req
267. Man, what the fuck is this?Copy !req
268. Hey, don't go nowhere.Copy !req
269. We're going to take a quick
commercial break,Copy !req
270. pay some bills,
and we'll be right back.Copy !req
271. What you gonna see?Copy !req
272. Hey!Copy !req
273. Hey, guys, welcome back
to Chappelle's Show, man.Copy !req
274. You know, we better check in
with Chuck TaylorCopy !req
275. at NewsCenter 3
to see how those black folksCopy !req
276. are making out with their
reparations checks.Copy !req
277. And now more reparations 2003Copy !req
278. with Chuck Taylor.Copy !req
279. If you're just joining us,Copy !req
280. black people got their
reparations checks today,Copy !req
281. and, in short, all hell
has broken loose.Copy !req
282. In sports,
the Philadelphia 76ersCopy !req
283. took on the New York Knicks,Copy !req
284. but since none of the
black players showed up,Copy !req
285. Todd McCullough ended up playing
one-on-one with Travis knight.Copy !req
286. McCullough had 75 points,
beating knight by 7.Copy !req
287. After the game,
McCullough said that he was hurtCopy !req
288. that none of the black players
showed up,Copy !req
289. but upbeat because he,Copy !req
290. quote, "finally, feels like
he has a big penis."Copy !req
291. Welcome to the club, buddy,Copy !req
292. the big penis club.Copy !req
293. Fortune magazine released
their annual listCopy !req
294. of the hundred
wealthiest people today,Copy !req
295. and Bill Gates has been
overtaken.Copy !req
296. "By whom," you ask?Copy !req
297. A Harlem resident named
simply... Tron.Copy !req
298. Our Stephanie gold
is standing by with him now.Copy !req
299. So, how did you becomeCopy !req
300. the world's wealthiest man,
Tron?Copy !req
301. Hot hand in a dice game,
baby girl.Copy !req
302. Six hours straight,
talking 'bout,Copy !req
303. Clackity, clackity,
clackity clack!Copy !req
304. Now, you looking
at the world's richest man,Copy !req
305. and I'm black.Copy !req
306. Kiss my black ass, America!Copy !req
307. I think what everybody
wants to know now is,Copy !req
308. what are you going
to do with all this money?Copy !req
309. Uh, I'm gonna reinvest my money
into the community.Copy !req
310. Oh, that's a very nice
gesture, what will you...Copy !req
311. Psych!Copy !req
312. Okay, is that your son?Copy !req
313. No, no, I just bought
this baby cash.Copy !req
314. No, straight up, though,
I'm gonna do the real thing,Copy !req
315. and spend this money
before y'all honkeysCopy !req
316. change your minds.Copy !req
317. On that note, Chuck,
we're gonna send itCopy !req
318. back to you in the studio now.Copy !req
319. Hold up, Chuck, I got your girl.Copy !req
320. What do you say about
a little lap danceCopy !req
321. for the world's richest man?Copy !req
322. Oh, well, if you put it
that way...Copy !req
323. Chuck, back to you
in the studio.Copy !req
324. Thank you, Stephanie.Copy !req
325. - Chuck!
- In other news...Copy !req
326. Suck my...Copy !req
327. We, um, we seem to have
lost the feed.Copy !req
328. Anyhow, here with
the weather is our old pal,Copy !req
329. Reliable, friendly, portly...
big al.Copy !req
330. Happy reparations day,
happy Juneteenth.Copy !req
331. Just kidding.Copy !req
332. Chuck, I don't know
if you know this,Copy !req
333. but I've just handed
in my resignation hereCopy !req
334. at NewsCenter 3 hours ago,Copy !req
335. and I'll tell you something elseCopy !req
336. you probably didn't know,
and that is this:Copy !req
337. This is not
my real speaking voice.Copy !req
338. Actually, Chuck,
this my real speaking voice.Copy !req
339. I talk like straight-up
gangster, bitch.Copy !req
340. My name ain't big al,
it's Alton Aims, okay?Copy !req
341. Uh, Big Al, seriously,Copy !req
342. what's the forecast
for the tristate area?Copy !req
343. Oh, I don't know, Chuck.Copy !req
344. Why don't we take a
look at my tristate area map,Copy !req
345. which looks a lot like
my big fat ass.Copy !req
346. Okay, here we have Connecticut.Copy !req
347. All the white folks
drive down 95Copy !req
348. and go straight
into the Holland tunnel.Copy !req
349. Uh-oh, look out,Copy !req
350. here comes a big brown truck.Copy !req
351. Wait a minute,
that ain't no truck!Copy !req
352. My God, Big Al,
that's disgusting!Copy !req
353. is that "beat boxing"?Copy !req
354. You old, pasty bastard.Copy !req
355. Look at you, Chuck,
you look sick, man.Copy !req
356. You look like you just walked
up from ground zero.Copy !req
357. This job sucks,
kiss the rings, bitch.Copy !req
358. I'm out.Copy !req
359. And there you have it.Copy !req
360. Excuse me.Copy !req
361. Incredible, I'm receiving word
that Colin PowellCopy !req
362. has just bitch-slapped
Vice President Dick Cheney.Copy !req
363. White people, run for cover,
we'll be right back.Copy !req
364. Hey, man, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break,Copy !req
365. and we'll be right backCopy !req
366. with more Chappelle's Show.Copy !req
367. Kiss the rings, bitch!Copy !req
368. Better not bring your kids!Copy !req
369. Everybody in this room,Copy !req
370. I'd like to thank you for
coming to my show.Copy !req
371. Everybody at home,Copy !req
372. I hope you're at home
making your buttCopy !req
373. All right, thanks for coming,
see you next week.Copy !req
374. I'm out.Copy !req
375. I'm rich, biatch!Copy !req
376. Hi, thank you!Copy !req
377. What is your personal
feelings on reparations?Copy !req
378. There should be
some type of reparation...Copy !req
379. Money, okay?Copy !req
380. I feel the same way,
but I'd like the land, though.Copy !req
381. You want the land,
not the money?Copy !req
382. Yeah.Copy !req
383. You know you can buy land
with money, don't you?Copy !req
384. I'll beat the
out of one of you.Copy !req
385. Heh-heh-heh-hey,
that's right.Copy !req
386. You didn't think
a fat like meCopy !req
387. could throw combinations,
I'm from the streets.Copy !req
388. Respect mine.Copy !req