Chappelle's Show 1x2

Directed by

Athena Karkanis as Educated Guess Announcer (voice)

Dave plays crack addict Tyrone Biggums, who gives a speech to an elementary school classroom. Also featuring musical guest Mos Def.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Let's start the show.

2. Give it up right now for my man, Dave Chappelle!

3. Oh... yes!

4. Hey, thank you, brother, thank you.

5. All right, everybody

6. have a seat, man, let's all relax.

7. Thanks for coming back.

8. Welcome to Chappelle's Show.

9. You know, we've been getting a little flack in the press.

10. I don't know if you guys have seen some things

11. that were written calling us controversial,

12. which I was surprised about.

13. That's the thing about being on T.V.,

14. you just never can say what you wanna say, man.

15. 'cause, if I said everything I thought

16. it would just freak America out.

17. You wouldn't wanna hear a young black dude

18. saying half the things I be thinking.

19. The only way people would listen to the stuff I think

20. is if a pretty white girl sang my thoughts.

21. And I actually happen to have a pretty white girl here.

22. Pretty white girl, come on out.

23. She's in my contract.

24. Good evening, pretty white woman.

25. Thank you for being here.

26. I have some things I need to get off my chest.

27. For real, I like lesbians.

28. But I digress from my point...

29. Real sex, street interviews, take one!

30. Sophia, what's the craziest thing

31. you ever did sexually?

32. Um, the craziest thing I ever did sexually—

33. Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay—

34. One time, I had a three way with these two guys in college

35. and my sorority sisters were, like, cheering me on.

36. Yeah, that'd be it, that'd be it.

37. What about you, sir?

38. Craziest thing I ever did sexually?

39. That'd probably be having sex with old gangbang here,

40. without a rubber.

41. We're fuckin' done, man!

42. This date is over!

43. Wait a minute, hold up.

44. Wait, hold— I'm kidding.

45. Get off me.

46. You know, uh, in the quest to get paid

47. I have devised a new scheme, ladies and gentlemen,

48. which is not an easy thing to do, but I've got it.

49. I'm gonna have my own phone line

50. like Miss Cleo, you understand?

51. but I'm gonna do mine real.

52. You see? Miss Cleo lies, she's phony.

53. I've got a nagging suspicion that bitch ain't Jamaican,

54. - you know what I'm saying?

55. I couldn't prove it,

56. but check mine out.

57. Dave Chappelle is not a psychic.

58. He is merely a racist, who believes that stereotypes

59. dictate our futures.

60. My boyfriend says my butt's too big.

61. Why would he say that?

62. My old boyfriend liked it just fine.

63. Okay.

64. Okay, have you gained weight?

65. No.

66. Okay, so your current boyfriend is white.

67. Oh, my gosh, yes!

68. Yeah, and your old boyfriend is black, ain't he?

69. Oh, my God, how did you know that?

70. Because a brother can't get enough of that ass.

71. Hold up, I'm seeing something...

72. it's your parents!

73. Oh, God.

74. They're angry, real angry!

75. They kicked you out for dating a black dude, didn't they?

76. Oh, my God, there's no way you could have known that

77. not unless you knew me!

78. Or if I dated four white girls myself.

79. Thanks for playing.

80. Dave Chappelle's insights will astound you.

81. Bueno, is this Dave Chappelle?

82. All right, I'm hearing an accent.

83. You from south of the border?

84. You amaze me, man!

85. Oh, hold on, there... is your name Miguel?

86. - It is! - Bam!

87. All right, all right go ahead, dog.

88. So, David, I was driving on the freeway.

89. Stop— driving.

90. You drive a pickup truck, don't you, Miguel?

91. Yes, I do.

92. And you don't have insurance, do you?

93. No, I don't.

94. Bam!

95. Sometimes, Dave will talk with

96. a phony Baloney Jamaican accent.

97. The cards don't lie!

98. Lord have mercy!

99. Hello?

100. Collect call from a correctional facility,

101. will you accept the charges?

102. Yes, I will.

103. Go ahead, sir.

104. All right, before you even say anything,

105. You black, ain't you?

106. Yo, this nigga is off the hook!

107. Wait a minute, I see something!

108. What?

109. You getting out of jail!

110. Say word, son!

111. You're walking out, you are free as a bird!

112. Hold up.

113. I'm seeing something— It's six weeks later...

114. you going right back in the jail

115. for the same shit.

116. - What kinda psychic—

117. Call this number now, and let Dave

118. or one of his educated guessers tell you your future.

119. It's only 99 cents for the first minute,

120. 2.50 each additional minute.

121. You can't afford not to have your future read

122. based on stereotypes.

123. Call me now for a bumble-clot reading!

124. Hey, y'all,

125. Flippity-flap, flippity-float, flippity-fleep,

126. here comes some jokes!

127. For years, we've all watched

128. celebrities accepting awards

129. get played off by the house orchestra

130. When their speech runs on too long.

131. My parents were really disappointed

132. when I dropped out of school for that year,

133. but I felt like I really just needed to find myself.

134. Word?

135. But then, you know, I was like, you know what?

136. Let me just go to Howard like my father, you know?

137. Well, then, my girlfriend Gina, she called me up,

138. she said, "Girl, you have got to get down to Emory,

139. down to Hotlanta!

140. I was like Gina, number one,

141. why are you calling me up, trying to confuse me?

142. You know Spelman's in Atlanta, too.

143. Second of all, you know I'm vacillating here, trying to—

144. With "the wrap it up box,"

145. you've got that same power, right in your pocket.

146. So then I just went to Howard, where I majored in sociology,

147. and made a lot of friends and had a really good time!

148. So that was college, how about you?

149. From the makers of the home stenographer comes

150. "The wrap it up box"!

151. It's like being the director of an awards show

152. everywhere you go!

153. Young man, you've been found guilty by a jury of your peers.

154. The crime you've committed was very serious,

155. and before I sentence you,

156. I'd like to say a few words about your arrest record—

157. What the hell?

158. Yo, the sign is real simple, B,

159. it says, "Wrap it up."

160. Wrap that shit up, "B"!

161. I don't think that's a good idea.

162. Man, you want some too?

163. You'd better wrap it up!

164. You'd better wrap that gavel up, "B"!

165. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I was telling you.

166. With "The wrap it up box," things will come to an end

167. at the perfect time...

168. whenever you want them to.

169. I'm gonna rock it tonight!

170. Have you ever felt this in your life?

171. I'm taking you on a journey, girl!

172. Psych!

173. Psych, you thought I was done, didn't you?

174. It ain't over.

175. For real? Not even close?

176. Not even close.

177. Hold on, now, hang in there with me.

178. How about that?

179. Hey, can you read?

180. Wrap it up.

181. You need to wrap it up!

182. - Wrap it up!

183. That's a wrap!

184. Woo!

185. "The wrap it up box," in stores now!

186. Available at all Walbog's.

187. Yeah, yes.

188. Hey, welcome back, gang.

189. Yes, welcome back.

190. Now, I don't know how many of you guys are from my generation;

191. The Pepsi generation, generation X, they called us.

192. I refer to us as the Reagan babies.

193. Anyone who grew up around Reagan had drug-awareness week, right?

194. Now, I don't know if you guys know at home

195. what drug-awareness week is.

196. That is a week of drug education for children in schools.

197. And at the end of the week,

198. to really drive the point home to the youth,

199. they always have a real, live crackhead

200. come talk to the kids.

201. I know that was the case at my school.

202. and tonight, we have a tape of just such an event.

203. Please enjoy.

204. Y'all tell anybody, I'll kill you!

205. I'll kill you!

206. Peanut butter and crack sandwich!

207. Look out, crack, here I come!

208. This week, Tyrone visits a local middle school

209. to promote drug awareness.

210. We have a very special surprise today.

211. Let's hear it for Tyrone Biggums!

212. Hi, kids!

213. Thank you very much, teacher!

214. It is truly an honor and a privilege

215. for me to be here at Pinehurst school,

216. or whatever your school is called today.

217. I say it's a privilege,

218. because it's a violation of my parole to be around children.

219. but enough about that.

220. Hello, little boys and little girls.

221. Mm, mm, mm.

222. Kids, y'all are looking at a dead man.

223. I should not be in front of you today!

224. Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life.

225. I started doing drugs when I was little, just like you, fellow.

226. Me and my friends would go home

227. and smoke marijuana after school.

228. Can you say marijuana?

229. Marijuana.

230. That's what I was smoking.

231. Sometimes, dipped in embalming fluid.

232. And me and my friends would laugh and giggle

233. and eat all the cookies!

234. It was terrible.

235. Terrible.

236. I can definitely say,

237. he was the absolute worst anti-drug speaker

238. in the history of drugs.

239. Then I upgraded to a little drug called acid—

240. Very inexpensive and affordable.

241. Even young children could afford it, it's so bad.

242. I did two hits of that and Bugs Bunny and Scooby-Doo

243. and all my favorite cartoon heroes came to my room

244. and ate cookies with me and sang songs for 16 hours.

245. God damn, talking about—

246. And Mickey Mouse was doing the bass line like this,

247. And then, he basically told them

248. where and how to buy the stuff.

249. We all know we can sneak into our mama's room

250. when she's sleeping,

251. and take $5, $10, maybe $20 out her purse,

252. run on down to third street, catch the "D" bus downtown,

253. and meet a Latin American fellow named Martinez—

254. We know that!

255. and we know that Martinez' stuff is the bomb!

256. Kids, drugs is all around you.

257. How will I know when drugs around, you might be asking.

258. Well, I'll tell you, use your magic markers.

259. What you think this is, some kind of crayon?

260. No.

261. Take that cap off and sniff it and you be high.

262. And these little ones are 10 and 11 years old.

263. You!

264. You know what dog food tastes like?

265. Do you?

266. It tastes just like it smells...

267. Delicious!

268. I'm gonna show you how I go to the bathroom.

269. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

270. Ha!

271. I thought the worst was over.

272. I was mistaken.

273. That, children, was the first time

274. I sucked a dick for crack.

275. But it wouldn't be the last.

276. Why, one time, I seen Martinez—

277. I'm trying to say something.

278. Thank you for that lovely and moving and graphic story.

279. You're welcome, teacher bitch!

280. I'm not finished, but that's all right.

281. Um, can I get cash for this?

282. I got some errands to run,

283. and I don't think I'm gonna make the bank.

284. Um, uh, uh—

285. It's my money, bitch!

286. I earned it!

287. Give me my speaker's fee!

288. Thank you, kids! Goodbye!

289. Oh, my gosh.

290. Just so a lot of you know, that's not real doo-doo.

291. I don't want to upset you.

292. It was a Snickers bar, we melted it.

293. The funny thing was, the dude that does the props

294. was melting the snickers bar for the sketch—

295. It's candy, you know, he's melting it.

296. But I caught him like he was doing a thing, he was like...

297. all right, look, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

298. but don't go nowhere,

299. because we've got Mos Def when we come back, man.

300. The Mighty Mos!

301. Stick around for more Chappelle's Show.

302. Hey, gang, welcome back.

303. Welcome back, man.

304. We are hanging in here, having some fun.

305. Please make some noise for my brother, Mos Def!

306. My man, Meek, hooked this up.

307. Yeah.

308. It's the bomb. It's pretty hot, right?

309. Yeah. Now get close.

310. Good.

311. Yeah.

312. Yeah, right?

313. - Yeah, Mos Def.

314. Mos Def.

315. I'd like to thank my guests, Mos Def, Guillermo Diaz,

316. everybody that helped me out this week.

317. I gotta say that he—

318. Yo, Chappelle!

319. Yo, wrap it up, "B"!

320. That's it, you're done, man!

321. Wrap it up, "B"!

322. You're done, wrap it up! Right.

323. We'll see you next week!

324. I'm rich, biatch!

325. Hi, thank you!

326. Peanut butter and crack sandwich!

327. Oh! Get out the way!

328. Go on, go on!

329. Ow!

330. Lick your fingers.

331. Crack!

332. Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life!