Chappelle's Show 1x12

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Dave delves into what would happen if couples attempted "Trading Spouses" and introduces a new family-oriented form of marijuana which contains no THC. Also featuring musical guest Blackstar.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Let's start the show.

2. When the baby was born,

3. I promised Karen I'd quit smoking,

4. but I didn't know how.

5. Well, that's when a friend of mine

6. recommended "O'Dweeds".

7. It's the first brand of marijuana

8. with no THC,

9. so it's like O'Doul's, but for weed.

10. Now I can get that full reefer aroma,

11. without any of the guilt.

12. Shotgun, little buddy!

13. Aw, honey, I think he likes it.

14. This reminds me of when I was a girl

15. and I used to smoke grass

16. with all the Negro jazz musicians.

17. Come on, Martha,

18. now, puff, puff, give.

19. Come on, you old bitch.

20. O'Dweeds. All the reefer,

21. none of the guilt.

22. I know what you're thinking,

23. But it's O'Dweeds, man.

24. Can I hit that?

25. Go on, take it.

26. Tastes like the chronic,

27. and yet it's not.

28. Wrong bag, man.

29. Forget about your reefer needs,

30. go ahead and try "O'Dweeds".

31. From the makers of the Crack Patch.

32. Dave Chappelle!

33. Hey!

34. What's up?

35. Hey, guys.

36. You know, uh, my wife's little cousin, Andrew,

37. put me onto these

38. And1 Mixtapes, you ever seen those?

39. It is like the hottest thing you ever seen.

40. These basketball tapes is the bomb.

41. They got some of the nastiest street players

42. I've ever seen in my life.

43. Go ahead, show 'em some of that And1.

44. Oh, that was just nasty!

45. Now...

46. as dope as that was,

47. the new And1 Mixtape kills it

48. 'cause it does all sports, not just basketball,

49. and it's off the hook.

50. Check it out, I'm serious.

51. Oh! Oh!

52. No, he didn't, no, he didn't!

53. Yo, yo, you ain't seen nothing.

54. Wait 'til you see him hit, wait 'til you see him hit!

55. Wait 'til you see him hit!

56. - Watch this! - Watch him, watch him!

57. That's the baddest motherfucker I ever seen in my life!

58. Oh, shit!

59. In your face!

60. Yeah!

61. Man, you the sickest motherfucker

62. I ever seen in the alley, son!

63. Wait 'til you see him play defense,

64. you ain't seen nothin', yo!

65. Gutterballs, Gutterballs...

66. We're gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all,

67. But don't despair,

68. we have jokes, and jokes, and jokes, and jokes.

69. I drooled on myself.

70. Yo, this Talib Kweli, BK, MC.

71. And this is Mos Def, Pretty Flaco,

72. Black Dante, the Boogieman.

73. I don't know about y'all, but I used to play

74. a lot of basketball on the playground, growing up.

75. And every time I would do something sweet or cool,

76. I would shout out my favorite basketball player

77. 'cause I felt like him,

78. you ever do that?

79. Jordan...

80. Well, nowadays, we know so much about NBA players,

81. not only can we do that on the basketball court,

82. we can do that in our everyday lives.

83. And I'll show you how.

84. Kobe...

85. You're under arrest.

86. Rasheed Wallace.

87. Damon Stoudamire.

88. My point is, Stevenson,

89. you're gonna have to show

90. a little more effort around here.

91. More effort, huh?

92. Sprewell!

93. Paul Pierce. Oh, ah.

94. When are you gonna come and claim these kids?

95. Every pro athlete ever.

96. Wilt Chamberlain.

97. Dennis Rodman.

98. Oh, hell, no.

99. O.J.

100. Hey, guys.

101. Now, recently...

102. Recently, People magazine

103. actually said that my show

104. was, uh, "Sub-sophomoric and immature."

105. Something like that.

106. I don't know why they would say that I'm immature.

107. but if you think that my show is immature,

108. then I would like to dedicate this next piece

109. to whoever wrote that article at People.

110. Diarrhea!

111. Hi, and welcome to Trading Spouses,

112. The show where we take two married couples,

113. and you guessed it,

114. make them trade spouses for a whole month.

115. Watch the sparks fly today,

116. because for the first time on our show,

117. we're going interracial.

118. Daddy's going away for a little while, alright?

119. I'm gonna live with a white family.

120. Y'all be good.

121. What you goin' be doin' with a white family?

122. It's a TV. show, say hi to America.

123. Anybody try and touch your mother,

124. punch him in his dick.

125. Look, son,

126. dad's going away for a few weeks.

127. So, I want you to be good, okay, squirt?

128. Whatever.

129. I love you.

130. Oh, Eskimo kisses.

131. You must be little T-Mart.

132. Would you like to call me daddy, hmm?

133. Is it okay if I call you Mr. Deez?

134. Mr. Deez?

135. Deez nuts!

136. I... I don't understand.

137. - What's happenin'? - You must be Leonard.

138. That's right.

139. Can I call you daddy?

140. Hell no.

141. Only your mama calls me daddy.

142. Here, mop top, take my bag up to my room.

143. And if I find out you been going through my shit,

144. I'm gonna beat you in your ass, you understand?

145. Hmm.

146. Well, welcome, it's good to have you here.

147. It's good to be here, come on, girl.

148. Oh... Oh...

149. - Oh. - Yes.

150. I don't smell no dinner cooking.

151. Run on, make some grits.

152. Run on.

153. What you cookin' for dinner, mister?

154. Oh, yeah, well, I'm glad you asked, little buddy.

155. Um, this here is cauliflower.

156. This is corned beef hash.

157. And these are parsnips.

158. What the fuck is a parsnip?

159. Leonard, just so you know,

160. Todd would usually do the dishes after dinner.

161. Well, just so you know,

162. his ass will be back April 13th.

163. Go on, do your thing, girl.

164. Mop top...

165. you do your homework?

166. Yeah.

167. Well, go on upstairs and wash your ass

168. and then we'll watch Martin Lawrence.

169. Want me to light your cigarette for you too?

170. You better check your tone, girl,

171. Get your inside voice on

172. before I put your ass outside.

173. Mahogany.

174. Racial profiling?

175. Who the fuck is Renee "Zellwedger"?

176. What's wrong, sweetie?

177. T-Mart's been back-talking me,

178. and I need you to take care of it for me.

179. T-Mart!

180. Excuse me, I'll be right back.

181. Alright.

182. You're in big trouble, mister.

183. What, you gonna hit me or something?

184. You're going on time-out.

185. For 15 minutes, okay?

186. - Yeah— - Starting now, T-Mart.

187. Time-out!

188. Time-out is sweet!

189. Halle Berry, here I come.

190. Hey, mop top!

191. What the hell you listening to?

192. It's the new 50 cent.

193. I'm from the streets, man.

194. G-g-g-g-g-g... g-unit.

195. Come on, get in the car.

196. G-g-g-g-g-g... get yo' ass in the car, go on!

197. Well, here you are, mop top,

198. home sweet home, the 'hood.

199. Alright, little fella,

200. say hello to your people for me.

201. And tell 'em when you see 'em,

202. that Leonard Washington is glad he made it out, go on.

203. Go on.

204. G-g-g-g-g-g... good-bye.

205. And if you need money, sell rocks,

206. I heard that's what they do around here.

207. What the hell is this?

208. Damn, bitch, what's this, a lightsaber or something?

209. - Night-night. - Hmm.

210. Do you wanna have sex with me, Todd?

211. Yes, I would like that very much.

212. Okay.

213. Uh, excuse me.

214. Do you mind if I turn off this R&B music?

215. I kinda wanna hear you breathing.

216. - Okay. - Alright.

217. Oh. Uh...

218. Do you wanna take off your pajama bottoms?

219. Actually, I'd feel more comfortable

220. if I just pulled my penis through this hole.

221. I'm sorry, baby,

222. I don't go south of the border.

223. That's just one thing

224. that Leonard Washington don't do.

225. But... But, Leonard, it's okay, I'm waxed.

226. Damn!

227. Now, I done heard of trimming the hedges,

228. but you done scorched the earth.

229. I smell your lightsaber.

230. Lightsaber?

231. Leonard and I hardly even talk anymore.

232. The other night he came home at three in the morning.

233. I had no idea where he was.

234. He uses profanity around Jeffrey.

235. I just don't feel like we're sharing.

236. I don't feel like there's any reciprocity there.

237. How do you feel about all this, Leonard?

238. Bitch, I'll never forgive you for this.

239. Go on, get in the car, warm it up.

240. This is good, you can let out

241. whatever you feel in here, Leonard.

242. Alright, I'mma tell you right now, I ain't crazy,

243. I don't need no psychiatrist.

244. And if you ever tell anybody I've been in here,

245. I'll fuckin' kill ya.

246. It's confidential here, Leonard.

247. I won't tell anyone, it's just between us.

248. Well then, confidentially,

249. I am crazy,

250. and I'll fuckin' kill ya.

251. Well, it's been a wild and crazy month.

252. Let's see what our interracial families have learned.

253. I learned a lot from Sharron

254. and I learned a lot from little T-Mart.

255. And quite frankly,

256. I'll miss them both very much.

257. And for the first time in my life...

258. I tasted brown sugar,

259. and not in my oatmeal.

260. Yeah, being on this show taught me that,

261. no matter where you come from, you know what I'm saying,

262. or what color your skin is,

263. we all pretty much do the same things in life.

264. Raise our kids, make love from time-to-time,

265. and wash.

266. Speaking of which,

267. I learned that white people don't use washcloths.

268. Did you know that?

269. I'm serious, they have one bar of soap in the house.

270. Every time I used it,

271. somebody else's pubic hair was in it.

272. So I use the cloth.

273. Why your ass got to put the raw bar of soap

274. in your butt and all this?

275. Maybe I need to wash my face or my feet.

276. Todd and Leonard are very different.

277. Although, Len is the love of my life,

278. in a different world, I could see myself with Todd.

279. Although, the penis-through-the-hole thing

280. was kind of weird.

281. And I am missing some of my drawers.

282. Oh!

283. Oh, my gosh!

284. Ho-ho!

285. Titty residue.

286. Hello? Hello?

287. We're gonna take a quick commercial break,

288. but don't go anywhere

289. 'cause we're coming right back

290. with more Chappelle's Show, I promise.

291. So I got a little riddle for you.

292. What happens when you take

293. two of Brooklyn's finest MCs

294. and put them together in a group?

295. Well, then you have my next guests.

296. Make some noise, Mos Def, Talib Kweli,

297. Black Star.

298. This is a real nigga PSA

299. from the Black Star embassy in Brooklyn

300. entitled "What is Beef?"

301. I'd like to thank my guests,

302. Black Star, Mos Def and Talib Kweli.

303. God bless y'all,

304. God bless America,

305. God bless the world, 'cause we're in trouble.

306. I'm out, I'll see you next year, God willin'!

307. Hi, thank you.

308. Hold still, I'm gonna get you!

309. I got it, I got it!

310. I'll rip the...

311. Oh, you ripped my wig off.

312. That's a good bit,

313. we planned that.

314. Greatest show I've ever seen in my life.

315. I don't think that this is gonna work.

316. You're so much older than I am.

317. How old are you?

318. I'm 35.

319. I'm 27.