Chappelle's Show 1x11

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Funkmaster Flex hires a rapper, played by Dave, who keeps repeating the same non-lyrical phrases over and over again. Dave visits a kid with cancer, but takes no mercy when he plays the kid at Playstation 2. Dave also buys a camera that has the power to see people's innermost thoughts. Also featuring music performer De La Soul.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Let's start the show.

2. Dave Chappelle!

3. Man.

4. What's up, guys?

5. And ladies, excuse me.

6. Man, y'all,

7. my album collection just keeps growing.

8. I just got that 50 Cent.

9. Damn!

10. It's hot!

11. He got the streets on fire.

12. And it's them mix tapes, too, that's how he came up,

13. with them mix tapes.

14. But you know what it is?

15. Now that he came out with them mix tapes

16. and that DVD he had and his album,

17. now everybody's trying to do it. So, it's like,

18. record labels is just signing anybody from the streets

19. thinking it's gonna be the next 50 Cents.

20. That's ridiculous.

21. I got one DVD in the mail from a...

22. I don't even know who sent it to me,

23. but it was crazy.

24. Let me see this.

25. Yeah, it's going down, you know how I get down.

26. Funkmaster Flex and be clear,

27. all the big dogs know

28. that my man Fisticuff rules the streets.

29. And if you haven't heard that joint,

30. "Turn My Headphones Up,"

31. you need to get with it, act like you want it.

32. Watch out for your mind, all this is hot.

33. What!

34. Ah!

35. Turn my headphones up!

36. I'm serious, nigga, turn them shits up!

37. Turn 'em up!

38. Hold up...

39. I'm serious, nigga, I can't hear outta this ear,

40. turn my headphones up.

41. I stabbed a brother in the neck

42. with a butter knife for Fisticuff.

43. Just 'cause.

44. It ain't goin' platinum, it's goin' double-uranium, son.

45. Uranium, ya heard?

46. We poppin' bottles, stabbin' people, killin' people.

47. Ah, yeah...

48. Hold up, nigga, I can't hear out of my left headphone.

49. This one, nigga, this is my left, turn it up!

50. Why you drop the beat out, man?

51. A'ight, here I go.

52. You ready to rock it?

53. You ready to see how we do on the streets?

54. alright, make that beat drop.

55. Nigga, I said drop, not drumroll.

56. The ghetto, it's understood what this is,

57. holla at ya boy!

58. I'm sayin', nigga, you can't just put velvet

59. in the shit and think they nice headphones!

60. Where's my snares?

61. Where's my snares? One, two, one, two.

62. I'mma drop it like this,

63. I'mma drop it like this, hold up, y'all.

64. I'mma drop it like this, I'mma drop it like this.

65. Ah, hold it.

66. Turn my left headphone up a little more.

67. If you don't know about Fisticuffs by now,

68. something's wrong with you.

69. He's got the illest joint out right now.

70. He's crazy with it, "Turn My Headphones Up."

71. Nigga, I'm serious, I can't hear out of my left headphone.

72. Turn that shit up!

73. Okay, now, let that beat ride like that.

74. That's right, here I come.

75. I'm gettin' ready to drop it, y'all ready?

76. Oh, nigga, just dropped the beat out.

77. Oh, here we go, here's the real deal.

78. Ah... Ah!

79. Pump up that bass, pump up that bass!

80. Pump it up, ah!

81. - From the...

82. - What happened?

83. Oh...

84. Well, is the beat gonna stop?

85. His lyrics are so tight,

86. they don't even have to rhyme.

87. And the word on the street

88. is late night, one night in the ghetto,

89. my man got shot in his ear, like, eight times.

90. What? Nigga, I can't hear,

91. turn up my headphones!

92. Turn 'em up, turn them shits up!

93. Put some treble in it.

94. Put some treble in it, that's my word.

95. Alright, here we go.

96. Hold up, nigga, I need some water.

97. My throat's dry.

98. Well, how the fuck do you expect me to rhyme

99. if I can't talk, nigga? I'm thirsty.

100. What is this, jail, motherfucker?

101. Cop the album that you need,

102. "Turn My Headphones Up,"

103. it's on "Headphone Records," baby.

104. There's a lot of heat right here.

105. Turn 'em up.

106. Turn them shits up.

107. Not for real, nigga, I'm sayin' on the paper,

108. I'm writin'!

109. Yo, Fisticuff, if you need some new artistes, we down.

110. I'm killin' people, we drinkin' malt,

111. We bangin' chicks with no rubbers.

112. - Left my bling-bling at home. - We keepin' it gangsta.

113. Fisticuffs!

114. You heard, what?

115. You heard!

116. What?

117. What?

118. Go get the biggest album

119. of the year, baby!

120. We're gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all.

121. We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

122. You heard?

123. What?

124. What?

125. Man, I'm bored.

126. I gotta go to the Chappelle's Show.

127. Hey.

128. Welcome back.

129. Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

130. I gotta tell you, I'm real grateful

131. that I had an opportunity to do this show.

132. And one of the things

133. it's given me an opportunity to do is give back.

134. I recently joined the Make-A-Wish foundation.

135. And I've had an opportunity to meet

136. some extraordinary young people.

137. And, uh, well, here's one of their stories.

138. Oh, good, you're awake.

139. Yeah.

140. I have a surprise for you, sweetie.

141. More applesauce?

142. No, this is a good one.

143. You know how your favorite movie is Half Baked?

144. What if I told you Dave Chappelle is here?

145. - Really? Where, mommy? - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

146. Come on in, Dave.

147. He's right here.

148. Hey, your mom told me you were sick,

149. so I figured I'd come by and pay you a visit.

150. I'll leave you two alone.

151. Okay, thanks.

152. So what you got here, some PlayStation?

153. Street hoops, wanna play?

154. I'm warning you, though, I'm pretty good.

155. I don't know if I can take losing to a little guy like you.

156. Come on, it's just a game.

157. Alright, come on, let's play.

158. - Really? - Yeah, let's go.

159. Alright, I'm player one, you're player two.

160. Okay, I think I've done this before.

161. Oh...

162. Ah, 1-0, 1-0.

163. That's two, that's me.

164. Two up... Not for long.

165. Oh... Okay.

166. Come on, Billy.

167. Damn!

168. Hooray for me!

169. "Hooray for me."

170. Alright,

171. fine, you little bitch.

172. You ain't scorin' no more, though.

173. Come on, ball up.

174. Gonna steal it, comin' down.

175. Billy, look at my game, it must hurt.

176. Oh! Oh, in your face!

177. Billy, I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry, dude.

178. It was good, though.

179. It's all me, baby.

180. Here it come.

181. A-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga! Hooray for me!

182. Hooray for me, Billy, in your face!

183. Children is our future, my ass!

184. I'm the future, I'm the future.

185. Oh! Ah, oh!

186. You can't deny me, Billy!

187. You can't deny me, it's too real for you!

188. What'd I say, you weren't gonna score no more.

189. Tell your little friends that dreams do come true.

190. Dave Chappelle came and saw you in the hospital

191. and whupped your monkey-ass

192. in some Street Hoops.

193. You think it's my first time?

194. I got PlayStation, I'm rich.

195. I'm rich, bitch!

196. Here it come, wait... Oh!

197. I don't wanna play anymore.

198. You pick them little sticks up, white boy,

199. and get to the game.

200. I have an agenda and it goes like this.

201. Oh!

202. Dave, I don't feel good.

203. Could you call the nurse for me?

204. Yeah, yeah, are you alright?

205. Hold... Hold on.

206. Nurse, could you come in here, please, quickly?

207. Billy is getting

208. his ass whupped on Street Hoops,

209. I need a witness.

210. Ah! Oh, dah!

211. It's so good.

212. - Billy, it's so good.

213. Billy?

214. Billy?

215. Oh, my god, Billy.

216. Nurse!

217. Billy, don't you die on me, don't you die on me!

218. Clear!

219. Billy?

220. Billy?

221. You alright, man?

222. Huh?

223. You okay,

224. - you alright?

225. Here, grab your sticks, come on, let's go.

226. Let's go, I'm whuppin' that ass now, almost done.

227. I'm almost done.

228. A-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga, in your face!

229. Oh, Billy, I shoulda left you dead, baby,

230. 'cause that, that was a killer.

231. Dave, can't you see I'm dying of cancer?

232. Look, Billy...

233. I'm sorry, man.

234. Look, I wasn't trying to make you feel bad,

235. I just... I'm just trying to teach you a lesson.

236. You can beat cancer but if you wanna beat it,

237. you gotta be tough, okay?

238. And I see it in you, Billy,

239. you're gonna make it.

240. Really?

241. Hell no, nigga, you play like a bitch!

242. Hold up. Game!

243. In your face, in your face, Billy!

244. Feel better.

245. Half Baked sucked, anyway.

246. We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

247. We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

248. Oh, that kid is fine, come on, he was acting.

249. No, you know when we thought of that sketch,

250. we was on the tour bus

251. playing a basketball game

252. and that shit get so emotional,

253. and I said, "If I was dying of cancer, nigga,

254. you would still not let me win at it."

255. Then I said, "Hey..."

256. Ha-ha, go ahead!

257. Good afternoon, young man, can I help you?

258. Yeah, I was trying to buy a gremlin?

259. - Eh?

260. I'm just playin' with you.

261. Actually, I'm answering your ad in the paper.

262. Ah, yes, the ca-me-ra.

263. The ca-me-ra.

264. Ah, here it is.

265. How much did I say it was?

266. Well, your ad says $300.

267. Ah, for you,

268. I give it to you for 100.

269. Why, what's wrong with it?

270. It has special powers.

271. It will show you things

272. some would pay not to see.

273. Oh, snap, it gets Comic View?

274. It will reveal the inner hearts of mankind.

275. If you press this button,

276. it will reveal their true self.

277. If you flip that switch,

278. it will record their innermost thoughts.

279. Flip it one more time,

280. and you can see the last person

281. they had sex with.

282. And with this last switch,

283. it will show you

284. where they will be in ten years.

285. Damn, man, Sony ain't playin', let me see that.

286. No!

287. You must buy it as is

288. and once you purchase it,

289. You may never return

290. to this store again.

291. Hold on, let me just think about that for a second, please.

292. What kind of policy is this?

293. I can't come back in? Fine.

294. You can't come outside 'cause if it don't work,

295. I'mma be out there and whup your monkey-ass.

296. Kick my ass, huh?

297. Camera works, $100.

298. One hundred.

299. Can I get a receipt?

300. I'm just playin'. Alright, man.

301. Thank you, good luck.

302. Good luck?

303. - Hey! - Hey, what's up, Dave?

304. - Alright, dude, what's up, man? - How you doin'?

305. Man, I'm just messin'

306. - with this camera. - Oh, yeah?

307. - You mind if I, uh? - Nah.

308. Alright, cool, man.

309. - What up, Carson Daly?

310. What's up, Dave?

311. Hey, folks,

312. we're on in 2013.

313. TRL, Carson Daly.

314. Will you little fuckers shut up?

315. How excited can you really be

316. for a video you've seen

317. fifty-eight times in a row?

318. Fuck!

319. - Alright? - Yeah.

320. Alright, man, good to see ya.

321. Alright, you too, man, take care.

322. - See you later. - Hey, save your money, dude.

323. Alright.

324. Man, I look like that 7Up guy.

325. Them white girls gonna come flockin'.

326. Damn!

327. I've been waiting out here for 45 minutes.

328. Oh, I knew I should have brought a prettier friend.

329. God, get surgery, bitch,

330. you're so ugly.

331. [man 1] Whoa,

332. I think this ecstasy is starting to kick in.

333. Am I freaking out?

334. No... Yeah.

335. Man, this bitch next to me needs surgery.

336. What's your name, big man?

337. - Oh, uh...

338. I said, what's your name, big man?

339. Uh, Dave Chappelle, I'm here for Ann's birthday party.

340. Also, I have a show on Comedy Central,

341. Wednesdays, 10:30.

342. Yo, Dave,

343. - what's up, man? - Hey, hey.

344. Thanks for coming to my girl's birthday party.

345. And you brought your camera, that's perfect!

346. I want you to tape something, alright?

347. Yeah.

348. Excuse me, everybody. Excuse me, everybody.

349. If I could have your attention.

350. Ann, I have loved you

351. from the moment that I met you.

352. Baby, will you marry me?

353. - Yes! - Oh, pumpkin!

354. Dave, I want you to meet my co-worker, Mike.

355. Yo, what's up, son...

356. Yo,

357. you a funny dude, man, you funny.

358. Look, I'm gonna be right back.

359. I'm going to the dance floor.

360. Let's dance.

361. Don't you want me, son?

362. And one and two, and one and two.

363. Resume, look cool,

364. and make my face look na-tur-al.

365. Hey, you know what, y'all?

366. I'm gonna just... I'm gonna get some rest.

367. Good night.

368. Congratulations, uh...

369. Charlie's girlfriend.

370. Man, I don't know

371. if I should mess with this camera thing.

372. I should just turn this thing off

373. and masturbate on the internet like I planned to.

374. No, no, fuck it, I'mma go through with this.

375. I gotta be a man, I'mma go through with this.

376. Hey, hey...

377. Hey, man.

378. Would you like some more pickles?

379. I gotta stop drinking.

380. Oh!

381. How excited can you really be

382. for a video you've seen

383. fifty-eight times in a row?

384. Fuck!

385. What do you want?

386. I just want to make a Total Request Live

387. from my man, Justin Timberlake.

388. Justin, it's me, Dave Chappelle.

389. Star Search, 1992, I was with you, man,

390. I was with you.

391. "Champion Dave Chappelle receives 31/4 stars,"

392. remember that, Ed McMahon?

393. God rest his soul, I'm out.

394. Oh!

395. Fuck this camera!

396. Oh, oh...

397. Oh, a camera!

398. Ooh-wee!

399. What these buttons do?

400. I want some crack.

401. Alright, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

402. but don't go nowhere,

403. 'cause we got jokes and jokes and jokes.

404. Be right back.

405. Going to the Dave Chappelle show.

406. How's this?

407. Ho!

408. Hey.

409. Folks, this next musical act

410. is, like, good friends of mine.

411. One of my favorite groups ever in hip-hop history.

412. Please make some noise for my brothers, De La Soul.

413. Much more.

414. Folks, I'd like to thank my guest, De La Soul.

415. I'd like to thank each and every one of you

416. for being here with me tonight.

417. And I'd like to thank you at home for watching.

418. God bless y'all, I'm out.

419. Hi, thank you.

420. It's Fisticuffs.

421. This is Fisticuffs, 2003, bitch!

422. Turn 'em up!

423. Turn your motherfuckin' stereo up, what?

424. Turn it up, I'm serious!

425. You not gonna hear the intricacies of the beat

426. if the volume's so low, turn it up!

427. And that, nigga,

428. that's how you make a hit, bitch!

429. I am the man!

430. That's right,

431. turn 'em up!