Chappelle's Show 1x1

Directed by

Jelani Jeffries as T-Mart Washington

Dave pokes fun at an annoying Mitsubishi car commercial. Dave appears in a video to show Popcopy copy store employees how to annoy the customers. Dave makes a case for hip-hop's degradation of women, which ruins the legacy of Nat King Cole. Learn how to order your very own home stenographer. Dave plays a blind, angry white supremacist who joins the KKK, but doesn't know he's black.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Let's start the show.

2. What the fuck are you doing?

3. You gotta get outta my car.

4. I'm serious!

5. That crazy dancin' makin' my penis soft.

6. Now, that is what I call dancin'!

7. You should've seen the girl

8. that was sittin' in there before you, whoo!

9. Oh, snap, there she go right there!

10. Ugh!

11. Oh, I'm gettin' ready to crash, girl, hold up.

12. Whoo!

13. Ladies and gentlemen,

14. Dave Chappelle!

15. Yes.

16. Thank you.

17. Thank you.

18. Thank you.

19. Oh, man, no.

20. Welcome to this thing that we call Chappelle's Show.

21. This is the very first episode, I finally got my own show.

22. And, I mean, I'm serious.

23. When I say this is my show, this is my show.

24. I can show y'all whatever I want.

25. As a matter of fact, I'll show you a little bleeper—blooper.

26. It's a bleeper of a blooper, though.

27. Here, show that last Mitsubishi clip real quick.

28. Whoo!

29. Oh!

30. You gotta see that again in slow motion.

31. Look at my face when I see her titty pop out.

32. Play it again, play it again!

33. You know the worst part about that?

34. I felt guilty, like I did that with my mind.

35. 'Cause the whole time she was dancin',

36. I was like, "Come on, titty, come on, titty!"

37. Well, this is it, this is the first episode.

38. Y'all ready, some sketch comedy,

39. y'all ready to see some sketches, some skits?

40. Y'know, this first piece, actually

41. is dedicated to a copy place that I frequent.

42. And the reason I'm talking about them

43. is because their service sucks.

44. Well, I have obtained a copy of their training video.

45. Go ahead, America, take a look at my new exposé.

46. This is the official 2002

47. Popcopy employee training film

48. with your host, Ralph Henderson.

49. Hello, I'm Ralph Henderson.

50. And if you're watching this video,

51. that means you've just been hired to work here

52. at "Popular copy".

53. Me and my friends are gonna show you the basics

54. of what it's like to work here.

55. You guys ready?

56. - Yeah! - Yeah!

57. Great.

58. First of all, never show up on time,

59. and if a supervisor happens to ask you where you were,

60. your response should sound something like this.

61. Manuel, why were you late?

62. Man, I got here when I could!

63. Shit, you're not my fucking moms!

64. Perfect!

65. Occasionally, you may get snagged

66. by one of these customer people.

67. Just remember, your job is to frustrate them

68. and make them feel unwanted.

69. If you can, wrap up a story

70. that will make them feel uncomfortable.

71. For instance...

72. You understand what I'm saying, right?

73. I mean, you know my reputation

74. and I don't give a fuck,

75. I'll go to Rikers for three or four years

76. just to prove my point, I don't play that shit.

77. Can I help you?

78. Or...

79. Hell, yeah, I suck toes!

80. Good afternoon, welcome to Popcopy,

81. can I help you?

82. Or...

83. What's wrong?

84. My butt is itchin' like crazy, and I took a shower.

85. Can I help you?

86. If a customer has a computer disk,

87. then look at it and tell them it's the wrong format.

88. If they use Apple, tell them we're P.C.

89. If they use P.C., tell them we're Apple.

90. And if they got both, then tell them we use Linux.

91. And if they got that, tell them the computers are down.

92. They should be, anyhow.

93. You see, the whole system actually went down.

94. It's gonna be shut down for a couple hours.

95. Hours?

96. It happens.

97. The whole system?

98. But this is a big place, how can—

99. Listen, sister, I gotta go take a shit.

100. I don't believe he said that!

101. Should a customer get all uppity and ask to speak to a manager,

102. then tell them, "Guess what? I am the manager."

103. I wanna see the manager.

104. No, see, I am the manager.

105. - You are the manager? - That's right, my friend.

106. I'm the only manager here.

107. Unless you want to talk to the Popcopy President

108. and I don't know him,

109. you might could help me out with that.

110. I mean, really get in their face about it.

111. I wanna see your manager!

112. Guess what, nigga? I am your manager, what's up?

113. You're the manager?

114. That's right, how may I help you?

115. You done, that's it.

116. Your job is done, nigga, get out!

117. I'll see you later—

118. What are you talking about?

119. Y'know, a lot of people ask, "Why?"

120. "Why treat the customer this way?"

121. Why?

122. 'Cause fuck 'em, that's why.

123. Bathroom upkeep is important to us here at Popcopy.

124. Be sure to spray chocolate sauce on the wall near the toilet

125. to give the appearance of errant feces.

126. This will ensure that any customer who uses our restroom

127. will never, ever return to one of our stores.

128. We ask that you sign a sheet to verify this gets done

129. once an hour, 24 times a day.

130. Uh-oh, Tony, you missed a spot.

131. Whoa...

132. Now that looks poopy.

133. I hope you found this tape informative.

134. And should you ever doubt yourself

135. and consider treating a customer with respect,

136. just remember this:

137. You graduated from grade school,

138. and you don't have to take shit from anyone.

139. Welcome to the Popcopy family, and congratulations.

140. Whoop his ass, whoop his ass!

141. Whoop his ass!

142. All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

143. and I will be back after these messages.

144. It's not HBO...

145. It's just regular-ass T.V.

146. All right, now, look, a lot of people

147. might not know this about me, watching me on T.V. or whatever

148. but I'm gonna tell you something.

149. I am a huge fan of the hip-hop music.

150. And I see a lot of things in the media

151. bashing these brothers,

152. saying that they're materialistic

153. and they objectify women, and I don't appreciate that.

154. 'Cause it's not like women were objectified

155. when hip-hop came out.

156. We've been objectifying women for centuries.

157. I'm tired of hip-hop takin' the rap.

158. So I did my research, I did my homework, America.

159. I have went into the B.E.T. libraries

160. and found footage from early in this century,

161. as early as 1930, some stuff from the '50s,

162. of people objectifying women, and I'll show it to you tonight

163. as proof positive that it happened before hip-hop.

164. Take a look at your beloved Nat "King" Cole.

165. Thank you all for coming, another year.

166. And to you and yours, a Merry Christmas.

167. That's an excellent year.

168. And as for you, my dear...

169. happy holidays, you triflin' bitch!

170. Oh, yeah, take that, girl.

171. King Cole records comin' at you.

172. We sip only the best Dom P., because I'm smooth like that.

173. Peace, you punk bitches.

174. Come back next year when I puts a little eggnog in your face.

175. All right, y'all, we'll be right back,

176. we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

177. Sit tight for more of this Chappelle's Show.

178. But you still said, not five minutes ago,

179. that you were afraid I was gonna end up looking like my mother.

180. - I didn't say that! - Yes, you did!

181. - No, that's not what I said! - Yes, you did!

182. Tired of this happening to you?

183. Are you sick of your friends and family

184. getting everything you say all mixed up?

185. Well, help has arrived.

186. Don't call me a liar.

187. I didn't say that!

188. - Oh, no? - No!

189. Read back five minutes ago.

190. "What are you saying, Brian?"

191. "I am afraid, I just feel like someday

192. you might look like your mom, maybe."

193. Should I read more?

194. Oh, no, that's fine, thank you.

195. In your face.

196. I'm gonna go masturbate, home stenographer.

197. Wanna write that down?

198. The home stenographer.

199. Now, for a small, one-time fee plus minor upkeep,

200. you can have your very own permanent record keeper,

201. right in your house.

202. With the home stenographer,

203. you'll turn any room into a courtroom.

204. Read back when that babysitter told the kids to go to bed.

205. Young "All right you little brats,

206. go to sleep, my boyfriend's here,

207. we're gonna have us a sex session."

208. "We don't want to go to bed."

209. Young "Well, you can watch if you want,

210. just keep it down."

211. To the boyfriend: "Drop your pants, big man."

212. Well, she's never coming back.

213. Thanks, home stenographer.

214. Dude, no matter how drunk I was,

215. why would I say that I would make out with Matt Damon?

216. I don't know, man, you said it, though.

217. There's no way.

218. Read it back to him.

219. And now, for those on the go, the travel stenographer.

220. backpack sold separately.

221. "I guess, if it came down to it, I would bang Ben Affleck."

222. Oh, my God!

223. I knew it was one of those dudes.

224. You are so gay now!

225. Stupid dwarf!

226. Totally gay, 100%.

227. Home stenographer and travel stenographer,

228. available in stores, now.

229. available in all Walbog's!

230. Good Lord, we're back, welcome to Chappelle's Show,

231. I still haven't been cancelled yet,

232. but I'm working on it.

233. And I think this next piece might be the one to do it.

234. This is probably the wildest thing

235. I've ever done in my career,

236. and I showed it to a black friend of mine.

237. He looked at me like I had set black people back

238. with a comedy sketch.

239. Sorry.

240. Just roll—

241. For the last 15 years,

242. a man named Clayton Bigsby has been the leading voice

243. of the White-Supremacist Movement in America.

244. Though not sold in any major bookstores,

245. his books "Dump truck", "Nigger stain",

246. "I smell nigger" and "Nigger book"

247. have sold over 600,000 copies combined.

248. Despite his popularity,

249. very few have ever seen him due to his reclusiveness.

250. But in an effort to bring his message to a wider audience,

251. he agreed to give his first public interview ever...

252. to " Frontline ".

253. But, getting to Mr. Bigsby was an odyssey in itself,

254. riddled with back-country hollows,

255. shifty go-betweens and palpable danger.

256. Excuse me.

257. Not sure we're in the right place.

258. We're looking for Clayton Bigsby.

259. Well, look no further, fella, you found him.

260. Uh, Clayton Bigsby, the author?

261. What, you don't think I can write them books?

262. Just 'cause I'm blind don't mean I'm dumb.

263. How could this have happened?

264. A black-white supremacist?

265. Our search for answers led us here,

266. to the "Wexler home for the blind",

267. where Mr. Bigsby spent the first 19 years of his life.

268. Bridgett Wexler is the home's headmistress.

269. Well, he was the only nigra we'd ever had around here,

270. so we figured we'd make it easier on Clayton

271. by just telling him and all the other blind kids

272. that he was white.

273. And he never questioned it?

274. Why would he?

275. You've written four books now?

276. I've written six books, they've published four.

277. What would you say

278. is the overall message of your books?

279. Sir, my message is simple.

280. Niggers, Jews, Homosexuals, Mexicans, Arabs,

281. and all kinds of different chinks stink,

282. and I hate them!

283. Ii noticed you referred to n— African-Americans.

284. What exactly is your problem?

285. How much time you got, buddy?

286. Where would I start?

287. Well, first of all,

288. they're lazy, good-for-nothing tricksters,

289. crack-smoking swindlers, big-butt havin',

290. wide nose breathin' all the white man's air.

291. They eat up all the chicken,

292. they think they're the best dancers,

293. and they stink!

294. Did I mention that before?

295. Yes, I believe you did, sir.

296. Matter of fact, my friend Jasper told me

297. one of them coons came by his house

298. to pick his sister up for a date.

299. He said, "Look here, nigger, that there's my girl.

300. Anyone have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me!"

301. You've never left this property,

302. Have you, Mr. Bigsby?

303. No, sir, not in many years.

304. What if I were to tell you

305. that you are an African-American?

306. Sir!

307. Listen, I'm gonna make this clear.

308. I am in no way, shape, or form

309. involved in any niggerdom, you understand?

310. Yes, sir, but—

311. But nothing!

312. Now, if you'll excuse me,

313. I have a book signing to go to.

314. Why don't you bring your media cameras over there

315. if you wanna see some real truth?

316. Prudence!

317. Prudence, have Jasper load the truck?

318. And Clayton Bigsby, black white supremacist,

319. ventured out into an unsuspecting world.

320. Sir, you're a friend.

321. Why not tell him he's African-American?

322. Listen, man,

323. he's too important to the movement.

324. If I tell him he's black, he'd probably kill hisself

325. just so there'd be one less nigger around.

326. His commitment is that deep.

327. I'm overwhelmed by the irony.

328. Uh-oh.

329. What, you lost, boy?

330. Move on, move on. Come on, boy,

331. we don't like your kind around here!

332. you better get out of here 'fore something bad happens.

333. That's right, that's right!

334. Tell that nigger!

335. Beat it, you sorry nigger!

336. Come on, Clayton, we gotta go.

337. Oh, Jasper, there's a nigger around here.

338. That damn monkey was beatin' my hood!

339. White power!

340. Nigger—

341. The confusion did not end there.

342. Hey, why don't you jungle bunnies turn that music down?

343. Nigras make me sick!

344. Woogie-boogie, nigger!

345. Woogie-boogie!

346. Did he just call us "Niggers"?

347. Awesome!

348. The anticipation was at a fever pitch

349. as we arrived at Mr. Bigsby's book signing.

350. This is the man who should be

351. the next President of the United States!

352. All right, Jasper, time to show these people

353. what white power's all about.

354. You better put your hood on, Clayton,

355. - Alright. - Might wanna hide your identity.

356. It'd be safer, in case some radical

357. ain't sympathetic to the cause and wants to shoot you.

358. That's good thinking, all right.

359. I'm gonna put my hood on.

360. Here, let me get that.

361. Without further ado, the man

362. who made us proud to be white,

363. none other than, Clayton Bigsby!

364. - Let's hear it!

365. White power!

366. Everybody, I have a lot of things to discuss,

367. mainly nigras.

368. America's at war with Al Qaeda,

369. but we're still losing the war against Al Sharpton!

370. The Asian community was a target as well.

371. let's talk about Chinese people,

372. with their Kung Fu

373. and all that silly "Ching Chang Chong" talk.

374. I can't understand you, go back to your country.

375. - white power.

376. Mr. Bigsby was also

377. critical of the entertainment industry.

378. Don't let the liberal media tell you how to think and feel.

379. If you have hate in your heart, let it out.

380. If you don't like Will & Grace,

381. that don't mean there's something wrong with you.

382. It means there's something wrong with Will!

383. He's a homosexual.

384. Politicians weren't spared either.

385. White power!

386. Colin Powell...

387. "Cunnilingus" rice.

388. "Cunnilingus" rice sounds like a Mexican dish,

389. maybe we should put her on a plate and send her to Mexico

390. so the Mexicans will eat her— White power.

391. White power!

392. Just open up your heart and let that hate out!

393. Show us your face, we wanna see your face!

394. Who said that, you wanna see my face?

395. Clayton, go on, brother.

396. Do you wanna see my face?

397. Don't be afraid, Jasper.

398. We talked about this—

399. Don't be afraid, shine your light!

400. There is cookie and punch for us to enjoy,

401. and we can meet, talk about white brotherhood.

402. Thank y'all for coming, white power!

403. Mr. Bigsby was not harmed that night,

404. but irreparable damage has been done to his reputation

405. and in many ways to The White-Power Movement.

406. We're told that in the last few weeks,

407. he has accepted the fact that he is a black man.

408. And three days ago,

409. he filed for divorce from his wife.

410. When we asked,

411. "Why, after 19 years of marriage?"

412. He responded:

413. "Because she's a nigger lover."

414. I'm Kent Wallace, good night.

415. Funding for "frontline" provided by

416. "The Trent Lott Foundation" for peace and understanding.

417. Loving black people, one at a time.

418. That's it!

419. Thanks for coming out, I'll see you next week.

420. - I'm rich, biatch!

421. Hi, thank you.

422. White power!

423. That's right, I hate niggers, but I love skateboards.

424. Bye, niggers, bye-bye!

425. Oh, okay, y'know what I'm doing wrong, apparently?

426. I keep talking to y'all

427. and I'm supposed to talk to the T.V. audience.

428. That's very hard, to ignore

429. the hundreds of people in front of me

430. and just pay attention to the theoretical motherfuckers

431. that may or may not watch the show for all I know.

432. They might have already turned it off.

433. "White power my— Pssht.

434. That's white power,

435. I have the power to change the station."