1. And send.Copy !req
2. Sending you this.Copy !req
3. Yep, totally.Copy !req
4. Can't believe I found my soul mate
He's perfect and he's mineCopy !req
5. And he's mineCopy !req
6. He is everything that I had
Always dreamed I'd findCopy !req
7. There's still a lot to learn about him
Our love is so complexCopy !req
8. So complexCopy !req
9. I know his name is Brendan something
And he likes to textCopy !req
10. Even though we don't
We don't talk in personCopy !req
11. We're both, we're both
I think, in eighth gradeCopy !req
12. I know, I know
I am in a perfect relationshipCopy !req
13. Until I learn, learn his last name
I'll write Mrs. Brendan on everythingCopy !req
14. I want the world to know
I'm in a perfect relationshipCopy !req
15. I know we're new but have great memories
Like any couple shouldCopy !req
16. Yeah, they shouldCopy !req
17. Like that time I asked, "What's up?"
And you answered, "Pretty good"Copy !req
18. We laughed and laughedCopy !req
19. Sometimes I think I am dreaming
Could this be real life?Copy !req
20. It's so realCopy !req
21. And when she sent that shrimp emoji
I knew I'd found my wifeCopy !req
22. Even though I don't
I don't know her last nameCopy !req
23. I think we're both, both in eighth gradeCopy !req
24. I know, I know
I am in a perfect relationshipCopy !req
25. We don't, we don't talk in personCopy !req
26. - But he is
- She isCopy !req
27. My everythingCopy !req
28. I want the world to know
I'm in a perfect relationshipCopy !req
29. - Yeah, I'm in a perfect relationship
- Perfect relationshipCopy !req
30. - Yeah, I'm in a perfect relationship
- Perfect relationshipCopy !req
31. I'm in a perfect relation—Copy !req
32. - I'm in a perfect relationship
- I'm in a perfect relationshipCopy !req
33. - We don't, we don't talk in person
- Talk in personCopy !req
34. - He is my everything
- She's my everythingCopy !req
35. I want the world to knowCopy !req
36. - I'm in a perfect relationship
- I'm in a perfect relationshipCopy !req
37. It's not really perfect.Copy !req
38. It may not even technically
be a relationship,Copy !req
39. and soon they'll run out of emojis,
and who knows what happens then?Copy !req
40. What you need to know is that
what they don't know about each otherCopy !req
41. would give them total surprise face emoji,
and that's what we call foreshadowing.Copy !req
42. And speaking of surprises,Copy !req
43. Bitsy has a big one planned
for Owen and Paige.Copy !req
44. Bam! Double foreshadow. Eight-shadow.Copy !req
45. Now go, go, go!Copy !req
46. Owen, sorry to interrupt your dinner,
but I'm at the blacksmith.Copy !req
47. Wanted to let you know he finished
the repair on the Vanderbilt Gates,Copy !req
48. and we're gonna install it in the morning.Copy !req
49. That's great, Elwood. Thank you, Jimmy!Copy !req
50. - Owen says, "Thank you, Jimmy."
- I can hear him.Copy !req
51. He can hear me, Elwood.
It's a radio. Is there anything else?Copy !req
52. - He also made me a sword.
- Yeah?Copy !req
53. - Can I keep it?
- Sure.Copy !req
54. Okay. Good night, Owen.
Tell your family "good night."Copy !req
55. Okay.
They can hear you, but I'll tell them.Copy !req
56. There she is. I was worried
we were never gonna see you again.Copy !req
57. Also, I was worried about our data plan.Copy !req
58. Were you up there texting
with Brendan this whole time?Copy !req
59. That sigh.Copy !req
60. You have your father's love sigh.
Same pitch and everything.Copy !req
61. Should we throw water in her face
or some mashed potatoes?Copy !req
62. Wow. You really like this boy, huh, Molly?Copy !req
63. You really like this boy.
Sorry, I don't know why I said that.Copy !req
64. Yeah, I really like this boy, a lot.Copy !req
65. Brendan's a good egg.
He should come over sometime.Copy !req
66. We could have bacon.
Get it? 'Cause I said "good egg"?Copy !req
67. I don't know why I said good egg.
I don't say good egg.Copy !req
68. Have him over, yeah.Copy !req
69. - Wait, no, no, no.
- Great idea, Cole. That sounds fun.Copy !req
70. What do you think, Owen?
Seems like a thing parents should do.Copy !req
71. Meet the random boy
their daughter met in the park.Copy !req
72. Yeah, right?Copy !req
73. Molly, what if you invite him over for
dinner tomorrow night? It's pizza night.Copy !req
74. No! I mean, I don't know.
Coming over here might be a lot.Copy !req
75. I mean, we live in a weird castle,
your pizza is... challenging.Copy !req
76. Look, I know my last
couple attempts weren't exactly...Copy !req
77. - Pizza? Sorry.
- ... that great.Copy !req
78. I figured out why the center of my pizza
is always doughy and uncooked.Copy !req
79. I didn't know the secret,
which is having a hot oven.Copy !req
80. - Not a cold one?
- Home ovens don't go hot enough.Copy !req
81. But for tomorrow night,
I'm gonna trick the oven.Copy !req
82. Don't tell it, but I'm gonna put it
on broil and leave it there,Copy !req
83. and I should be able to get it
up to 800 degrees, maybe even hotter.Copy !req
84. The toaster heard you,
and he's the oven's best friend.Copy !req
85. That doesn't sound totally safe, Dad.Copy !req
86. They wouldn't put it online
if it wasn't safe.Copy !req
87. Yeah, that's true. Everything online
has been carefully vetted.Copy !req
88. Also, ovens are always safe.Copy !req
89. That's great. I love it.
Let's do this plan.Copy !req
90. Or you don't make pizza
and Brendan doesn't come over.Copy !req
91. Honey, what are you afraid of more,
the pizza or us embarrassing you?Copy !req
92. - There's a lot of overlap.
- Molly, just ask him. It's gonna be great.Copy !req
93. Fine. Oh, look at that.
He's moving to Belize. Can you Belize it?Copy !req
94. Molly.
Should I make a heart with mushrooms?Copy !req
95. Don't listen to him.
We're not going to embarrass you.Copy !req
96. Owen, should we work on a dance
to welcome Brendan into our home?Copy !req
97. Great idea. Five, six, seven, eight!Copy !req
98. Welcome, stranger, to our home.
Welcome, stranger, to our home.Copy !req
99. - Welcome, stranger, to our home.
- Mom, Dad, no.Copy !req
100. I'm sorry, Molly, but I have to join them.Copy !req
101. Stranger to our home.
Welcome, stranger, to our home.Copy !req
102. Welcome, stranger, to our home.Copy !req
103. While Paige, Owen and Cole
dance delightfully,Copy !req
104. let's check in on Bitsy Brandenham
and her perfect relationship.Copy !req
105. Everything set for the ad tomorrow?
Page four? That's fine.Copy !req
106. Park management's
gonna freak the freak out.Copy !req
107. Why aren't you laughing?
Never mind. That sounded forced.Copy !req
108. Okay, bye.Copy !req
109. Damn it, Shampagne!
Did you pee in the bed again? Why?Copy !req
110. Pee in your own bed like a gentleman.Copy !req
111. Helen, call the pet therapist.
Tell him it's an emergency.Copy !req
112. He needs to be here
right after breakfast tomorrow.Copy !req
113. - So, are we talking noon?
- Three. What are we, Quakers?Copy !req
114. - Coming through.
- Yep, yep.Copy !req
115. Augustus, you're late, but you're
a dog therapist, so does it even matter?Copy !req
116. Sorry. My last client had a real
breakthrough, and we just kept jamming.Copy !req
117. He's a Great Dane with tail dysmorphia.
Well, was.Copy !req
118. - He died?
- No! I cured him.Copy !req
119. So, what's the dog-mergency?Copy !req
120. Shampagne used to sleep
in Bitsy's bed and pee on the balcony,Copy !req
121. but now he's sleeping on the balcony
and peeing on Bitsy's bed.Copy !req
122. - And we don't want that?
- We don't love it.Copy !req
123. Can you tell her it's incurable
and we should get rid of the dog?Copy !req
124. Write him out of any wills or living
trusts he may or may not be mentioned in?Copy !req
125. It's very rare that I have to
recommend a TOSGANO.Copy !req
126. - What's a TOSGANO?
- That's my little acronym.Copy !req
127. - What's it stand for?
- "This one sucks, get a new one."Copy !req
128. Well, how much does he have to suck
before we can get rid of him?Copy !req
129. You've got a dog
But the situation's hairyCopy !req
130. And by that, I mean naughty
And it's getting pretty scaryCopy !req
131. It don't act like a pet, no
This is a TOSGANOCopy !req
132. Let me spell it out for you
It's T-O-S-G-A-N-OCopy !req
133. This one sucks
Get a new oneCopy !req
134. It sucks, it sucks so friggin' much
It sucks so friggin' muchCopy !req
135. This one sucks
Get a new oneCopy !req
136. I can't get rid of it fast enough
I can't get rid of it fast enough!Copy !req
137. You don't need a license
to be a pet therapist, do you?Copy !req
138. No, ma'am.Copy !req
139. So, under what circumstances
would you recommend a TOSGANO?Copy !req
140. Is it like, is it like
If it pees wherever it pleases?Copy !req
141. Won't get a job and watches too much TV?Copy !req
142. - What if it gives you a dumb, blank stare?
- Nope.Copy !req
143. Or flashes his lipstick out of nowhere?Copy !req
144. That does suck
But it's not enoughCopy !req
145. For a TOSGANO guarantee
An H-A-B is what you needCopy !req
146. - Another acronym?
- Yes.Copy !req
147. - Which stands for?
- "Hazardous Antisocial Behavior."Copy !req
148. Which means...Copy !req
149. Biting. But Shampagne's
never bitten anyone, right?Copy !req
150. This therapist's breath is stinkin'
Like a dirty dog, but it's got me thinkin'Copy !req
151. There's a plan cooking in my Helen melon
That could be fruitfulCopy !req
152. How to get rid of that shitzadoodleCopy !req
153. All my dreams will come to pass
If I get Shampagne to bite Bitsy's assCopy !req
154. Oh, my God
My puppy's growling at meCopy !req
155. And it's got me yellin'
Who's gonna save me? Helen!Copy !req
156. This one sucks
Get a new oneCopy !req
157. It sucks, it sucks so friggin' much
It sucks so friggin' muchCopy !req
158. This one sucks
Get a new oneCopy !req
159. I can't get rid of it fast enough
I can't get rid of it fast enough!Copy !req
160. Why are you laughing?
Is it because of my job?Copy !req
161. Yes. Let's say yes.Copy !req
162. Augustus, thank God you're here.
Shampagne's driving me crazy.Copy !req
163. I can't deal with it. Not today.
There's too much going on.Copy !req
164. Never fear, Augustus is here.Copy !req
165. Your doggy troubles will be
in the rear... view mirror. Sorry.Copy !req
166. What's going on
on the human side of the couch?Copy !req
167. - You look ill. Are you very ill?
- No! I'm in the best shape of my life.Copy !req
168. The problem is Shampagne
is peeing on my parade.Copy !req
169. This was supposed to be a great day.Copy !req
170. Today's the day The Manhattan Dispatch
published my full-page letter.Copy !req
171. You haven't seen it? Show him, Helen.Copy !req
172. My dear New Yorkers, do you remember
the Central Park that I remember?Copy !req
173. A beautiful, leafy oasis. Now it's
an ugly blob of trash and graffiti.Copy !req
174. Is it just me or is there
more horse poop than usual?Copy !req
175. Where are all those horses coming from?Copy !req
176. Central Park is an old girl like myself,
and she needs to be taken care of.Copy !req
177. It's time to change its failing managementCopy !req
178. before it's so stinky that going there
makes you want to vomit.Copy !req
179. I don't know about you,
but I don't like to vomit.Copy !req
180. Let's do something about it, shall we?
Yours forever, Bitsy Brandenham.Copy !req
181. She called the park
"an ugly blob of trash"?Copy !req
182. It isn't an ugly blob of trash.Copy !req
183. Yeah. Look who's talking, Bitsy!Copy !req
184. And "failing management"? I work
my shorts off for this park, literally.Copy !req
185. I've gone through three pairs
in the last six months!Copy !req
186. - We need to do something.
- You thinking what I'm thinking?Copy !req
187. We got you.Copy !req
188. I can't believe you said we should
invite Brendan over for dinner.Copy !req
189. I don't know teen things.
I thought you liked the guy.Copy !req
190. I do! It's gonna be a nightmare.Copy !req
191. Brendan's gonna come over
and see our weird houseCopy !req
192. and Dad doing his weird thing
and Mom doing her weird thing,Copy !req
193. and it'll be weird,
and then he'll break up with me,Copy !req
194. and I'll have to avoid him in the park,
which'll be hard,Copy !req
195. because I live in the park
with my weird family.Copy !req
196. - And your really cool brother.
- Wait, I know.Copy !req
197. Since this is partly your fault,
you're gonna help me out tonight.Copy !req
198. - I am?
- Yeah.Copy !req
199. - That doesn't sound like me.
- No, no, it does.Copy !req
200. When the conversation gets weird
or awkward, I'm gonna give you a signal,Copy !req
201. and you're gonna help me
change the subject.Copy !req
202. I do like signals.Copy !req
203. How about you do a spit take
and drop an F-bomb?Copy !req
204. - Maybe something subtler.
- Chewbacca sound?Copy !req
205. How about just when I clear my throat?Copy !req
206. Boring. So boring. I'm dying.
Chewbacca throat clear?Copy !req
207. - How's that?
- I'm in.Copy !req
208. - Nice hairy mole.
- Thank you.Copy !req
209. Your mom and I are declaring war
on Bitsy Brandenham's picture.Copy !req
210. - Look at this thing she put in the paper.
- I can't read it. You drew all over it.Copy !req
211. Yeah, 'cause when you mess with us,
this is what happens.Copy !req
212. You end up with a drawing of a fart cloud
coming out of your butt?Copy !req
213. The fart cloud is just the beginning.Copy !req
214. Speaking of fart clouds,
who beefed in here?Copy !req
215. What? That's just the new yeast
for my pizza dough.Copy !req
216. Smells like a sweaty armpit
and a diaper did hot yoga together.Copy !req
217. That's how you know it's the good stuff.Copy !req
218. Brendan's gonna be here soon!Copy !req
219. Dad, is the pizza gonna taste
like the yeast smells?Copy !req
220. No. I mean, kinda.Copy !req
221. Tonight's already going well, I think.Copy !req
222. All right, I'm gonna put my apron on,Copy !req
223. and I'm gonna channel all this
Bitsy-fueled anger into a delicious pizza.Copy !req
224. - I don't think it works that way.
- It's gonna work that way today.Copy !req
225. Trust me, this pizza's gonna be so full
of rage and the best one I've ever made.Copy !req
226. And you, remember. Tonight,
you're not a reporter. You're just a mom.Copy !req
227. - A totally non-curious mom.
- Meaning?Copy !req
228. Don't interview Brendan
like you're writing a book about him.Copy !req
229. Who, what, why, where,
and when would I do that?Copy !req
230. Molly, I hear you 100%.
I was once a budding young woman who—Copy !req
231. - Don't say "budding."
- Okay, blossoming.Copy !req
232. Worse! You're killing me.
I'm gonna go open windows.Copy !req
233. Unrelated to the yeast smell.Copy !req
234. It's just a thing that I do
so that birds can fly through.Copy !req
235. - Cole? I need a favor.
- Mother.Copy !req
236. If I'm not allowed to ask questions,
I will go crazy, because I have questions.Copy !req
237. Yeah.Copy !req
238. So what I'm gonna need you to do
is ask questions for me.Copy !req
239. - Absolutely not.
- I'll give you five dollars.Copy !req
240. Write down everything you want me to ask.Copy !req
241. Use cool-kid talk though, so no one
will know they're old-person questions.Copy !req
242. - Word.
- Nope.Copy !req
243. We're almost out of time.Copy !req
244. So, total TOSGANO situation,
or what are we thinking?Copy !req
245. Not quite. Thank you, Helen.Copy !req
246. Bitsy, let's finish up with a little
bonding exercise.Copy !req
247. I call this "Tongue Talk."Copy !req
248. - No.
- Okay.Copy !req
249. Wait, what's Tongue Talk?Copy !req
250. Shampagne's telling you how he feels
with his pee-pee messages.Copy !req
251. You're going to tell Shampagne
how much you love him by licking the air.Copy !req
252. Let's pretend for a moment
that I'm going to do thatCopy !req
253. and that I have any moisture left
on my tongue. What would that look like?Copy !req
254. Oh, for heaven's sake.
Helen, moisten my tongue.Copy !req
255. - Vodka or gin?
- Never mind. I think I can do it.Copy !req
256. Is it like this?Copy !req
257. - Oh, dear God.
- Yes, very much like that.Copy !req
258. Do it again without any sound.
Also, I'm going to look away.Copy !req
259. Oh, that's louder.Copy !req
260. And that's our time.
I have to get to my next appointment.Copy !req
261. No! We need to fix this now.Copy !req
262. I'm so sorry.
I have an Oscar winner, a senator,Copy !req
263. and someone whose name rhymes
with Shmady Shmaga this afternoon.Copy !req
264. All of their pets need attention.Copy !req
265. I'll pay you double what they're paying—
no, triple!Copy !req
266. Look at that.
My schedule just suddenly opened up.Copy !req
267. It won't kill Smokey to eat his own poops
for another day, unless it does.Copy !req
268. You could've just given me
directions to your house.Copy !req
269. I know my way around the city pretty well.Copy !req
270. I don't really live
on a street or in a house.Copy !req
271. - Is this a riddle?
- Kind of. You know that castle over there?Copy !req
272. Where they used to store horse bones?Copy !req
273. Yup, that's a myth about the horse bones,Copy !req
274. - but yeah.
- All right.Copy !req
275. Okay, there was one horse bone.
Anyway, I live there.Copy !req
276. - Behind the castle?
- More in it.Copy !req
277. - Really? Why?
- Yeah.Copy !req
278. My dad's the manager of Central Park,
so that's where we live.Copy !req
279. But we're not, like,
rich jerks or anything.Copy !req
280. - People stick gum on our house.
- Right.Copy !req
281. Right.
Why are we saying "right" like that?Copy !req
282. It's just, I guess I should tell you,
my family is kind of rich.Copy !req
283. - Oh.
- Yeah.Copy !req
284. It's fine. Totally okay.Copy !req
285. I mean, there's rich,
and then there's crazy rich.Copy !req
286. You don't live on the top two floorsCopy !req
287. of one of those super-snobby
apartment buildings along the park, right?Copy !req
288. Top three floors.Copy !req
289. Well, I mean, you don't, like,
fly on private planesCopy !req
290. to ski in Aspen and stuff, right,
or have a private island?Copy !req
291. It's not totally private.Copy !req
292. The horse trainer lives there,
and sometimes Bono.Copy !req
293. When I said rich jerks,
I meant it as a compliment.Copy !req
294. No, it's okay.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.Copy !req
295. It's just, it can be kind of embarrassing.Copy !req
296. People sometimes get weirded out
when I tell them I'm a Brandenham.Copy !req
297. Brandenham? Your last name is Brandenham?
Brendan Brandenham? Brandenham?Copy !req
298. So you're not weirded out at all.
That's good.Copy !req
299. Remember when I was foreshadowing?Copy !req
300. This is the shadow that I was fore-ing.
Back to scene.Copy !req
301. No, not weirded out.
It's just, I'm thinking about...Copy !req
302. Hey, can you wait here for a sec?Copy !req
303. I just wanna make sure
the house isn't on fire.Copy !req
304. Okay.Copy !req
305. So I'll be right back.
You just stay wealthy.Copy !req
306. - We have to cancel dinner.
- What?Copy !req
307. - Why do you wanna cancel dinner?
- I have to poop.Copy !req
308. Honey, if I canceled dinner every time
I had to poop, I'd never have dinner.Copy !req
309. Wait, isn't that Brendan
standing right outside?Copy !req
310. Yes. Thank you, Cole.
That's why we need to cancel now,Copy !req
311. because asking him to leave
after he's inside is just plain rude.Copy !req
312. I know you're nervous, Molly,
but you can't cancel now.Copy !req
313. He's already here.
And he's adorable! I love him!Copy !req
314. No face tattoos. That's good.Copy !req
315. He's waving at us.
Should we wave back or just keep staring?Copy !req
316. - I'm gonna wave.
- I'm waving too. Now we're all waving.Copy !req
317. Molly, what are we doing here?Copy !req
318. All right, fine.
Dinner's uncanceled, okay?Copy !req
319. Just nobody talk about anything at all,
but not in a weird way.Copy !req
320. Just don't be weird.Copy !req
321. Hi!Copy !req
322. Hi.Copy !req
323. I found out something terrible
about Brendan.Copy !req
324. - What is it? Does he say "noice"?
- No. He's a Brandenham.Copy !req
325. What? That is not noice.Copy !req
326. Mom and Dad can't know. They'll freak out.Copy !req
327. They were drawing
on Bitsy Brandenham's face this morning.Copy !req
328. We gotta find that and get rid of it.
And also, everything's ruined!Copy !req
329. Brendan, here's a fun game.Copy !req
330. I'll say some simple
declarative sentences about me,Copy !req
331. and maybe you respond with some
simple declarative sentences about you.Copy !req
332. - Are you okay?
- Yeah, just a tickle.Copy !req
333. Oh, so, Brendan, you like this?Copy !req
334. I like it.Copy !req
335. Who wants a house tour?
Let's start with the basement.Copy !req
336. Good. I'm sure it's clean.Copy !req
337. And that's where we keep
all our best stuff.Copy !req
338. Do you like indoor puddles?Copy !req
339. Speaking of indoor puddles,
Owen, you wanna get started on your pizza?Copy !req
340. My pizza's not an indoor puddle, Brendan.
You'll see! You'll all see!Copy !req
341. Tension. So much tension and yeast.Copy !req
342. Let's see how this pizza turns out—
Oh, God!Copy !req
343. - Birdie?
- Owen.Copy !req
344. - What are you doing?
- Nothing.Copy !req
345. Just passing by your window.
Smells good. What you makin'? Food?Copy !req
346. Pizza.Copy !req
347. - See?
- Oh, it looks good.Copy !req
348. Toppings on top.
Bottoms on the bottom like the best of us.Copy !req
349. - Something burning?
- That's my oven.Copy !req
350. I tricked it into going up
to about 800 or 900 degrees.Copy !req
351. Oh, no! Oh, that's not good!Copy !req
352. That might be too hot. Fire, fire, fire.Copy !req
353. Put it out, put it out, put it out, or—
I mean, not to tell you how to cook.Copy !req
354. So that's gonna stay like that.Copy !req
355. I'm so sorry, oven.
We'll get you new knobs, beautiful knobs.Copy !req
356. How am I gonna make this pizza?Copy !req
357. By buying one? At a pizza store?Copy !req
358. They would love that, wouldn't they?Copy !req
359. I need a hot oven. Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
360. Paige! I gotta run out for a sec!
I know that sounds weird!Copy !req
361. No, we get it! We smell the burning!
Did something go wrong with the pizza?Copy !req
362. - Should I order some chicken?
- No!Copy !req
363. - This is fun.
- Hold on, baby. Hold on, baby.Copy !req
364. - I love when you call me "baby."
- I was talking to the— Never mind.Copy !req
365. Comin' through!Copy !req
366. Okay, sometimes a dog can feel intimidated
that you're so much bigger than they are.Copy !req
367. Or slightly bigger.Copy !req
368. So, what I'd like you to do
is crouch down to Shampagne's level.Copy !req
369. I haven't crouched since the '80s.
Helen, put me on the floor.Copy !req
370. He looks a little aggressive to me.
Does he look aggressive to you, Augustus?Copy !req
371. I mean, he's licking himself aggressively.Copy !req
372. Come on, phone. Why do dogs bite?
Why do dogs bite?Copy !req
373. "Fear, stress, feel threatened." Great.Copy !req
374. It's T-O-S-G-A-N-OCopy !req
375. - Helen, what are you doing?
- Wasn't me. It was him.Copy !req
376. Augustus, stop it.Copy !req
377. I think everyone's a little distracted.
How 'bout this? Bitsy, can you sit?Copy !req
378. You want me to crouch
and sit in the same day?Copy !req
379. What is this, the Olympics?Copy !req
380. Is this sitting? It hurts.Copy !req
381. Stay there. Stay there.
We're gonna get him on your lap.Copy !req
382. I don't know if that's a good idea.
He seems agitated.Copy !req
383. No, he's fine. He's perfectly fine.Copy !req
384. - Does he have a favorite toy?
- He has an ivory chew.Copy !req
385. - Elephant ivory?
- No.Copy !req
386. Terrible storm coming through.
Hope we don't lose power.Copy !req
387. Yep, there it is.Copy !req
388. - Ow!
- Oh, my God. What happened?Copy !req
389. Power's back on.Copy !req
390. Shampagne bit me. I can't believe it.Copy !req
391. TOSGANO, TOSGANO!Copy !req
392. Augustus, bag the dog.
Let's get him outta here.Copy !req
393. Hold on. Let me see your hand.Copy !req
394. That's not a dog bite.
That's a human bite.Copy !req
395. What?Copy !req
396. - Augustus, did you bite Bitsy?
- No.Copy !req
397. - Why on earth would you bite me?
- I didn't. Why would I bite you?Copy !req
398. He told me earlier he wanted to bite you.Copy !req
399. - You probably bit her!
- Why would I bite Bitsy?Copy !req
400. All right.
I'm going to bite her other hand,Copy !req
401. and we'll compare the two bite marks.Copy !req
402. All right. Both of you, out of the room.Copy !req
403. Shampagne and I want to be alone.
You're creeping us out.Copy !req
404. - There's my baby.
- Okay.Copy !req
405. Look at that bonding.Copy !req
406. Seems like we made a huge bark-through.
That's a breakthrough for dogs.Copy !req
407. - I'm gonna bite you.
- What?Copy !req
408. I said I'm gonna go wash my mouth out.
No reason.Copy !req
409. So, that's it. Your basic everyday
faux castle/horse bone placeCopy !req
410. turned into a house.Copy !req
411. I'm sad there's no drawbridge,
but other than that, five stars.Copy !req
412. - Remember what you promised Mommy.
- Ask questions. Yes.Copy !req
413. Here's a list. Try to get through them
all, but focus on the character ones.Copy !req
414. "If you saw a turtle on its back,
would you flip it over?" Really, Mom?Copy !req
415. Yes, go. Ask, but make it natural.Copy !req
416. - Hey, Brendan. You into turtles?
- Turtles?Copy !req
417. - Never mind.
- Okay.Copy !req
418. - Cole!
- All right. I'll ask him a question.Copy !req
419. What's taking my dad so long?Copy !req
420. It's a question. It counts.
Good job, Cole.Copy !req
421. You wanna put a pizza in the forge?Copy !req
422. I wanna put a pizza in the forge.Copy !req
423. I turned it off an hour ago.
It's probably 900 degrees.Copy !req
424. - Hey, can I play with your sword?
- That's what it's there for.Copy !req
425. Nine hundred degrees
is the perfect temperature.Copy !req
426. You know there's, like,
bits of metal scrap in there?Copy !req
427. There's stuff everywhere.
It just has to go in for a minute.Copy !req
428. Okay, I'm putting your pizza in the forge.Copy !req
429. Probably okay as long as you don't eat it.
You know, you can always just buy a pizza.Copy !req
430. - You could just buy a sword.
- Touché.Copy !req
431. So, any idea where I can
get some knobs for an oven?Copy !req
432. I can make you some iron knobs.Copy !req
433. You want them to get really hot
when you bake?Copy !req
434. I guess maybe not. It's done.Copy !req
435. It's beautiful.Copy !req
436. - Jimmy, I... love you?
- I love you too?Copy !req
437. - I gotta go.
- This was broken when I picked it up.Copy !req
438. So, anyway, yeah. That's the entire plot
of the Harry Potter series.Copy !req
439. Great. Great job.Copy !req
440. - That was long.
- Yeah, did I mention that I read it?Copy !req
441. I feel like I said that.
Also, sorry I fell asleep.Copy !req
442. - Ask a question.
- "What school do you go to?"Copy !req
443. Unless you're homeschooled,
which you seem kinda like you areCopy !req
444. just 'cause you make
a lot of eye contact with grown-ups.Copy !req
445. - Oh, I go to the Hickory Oak Pine School.
- Fancy.Copy !req
446. Who wants to see me do a somersault?Copy !req
447. I wonder how many you can do in a row.Copy !req
448. Pizza guy. I'm a pizza guy.Copy !req
449. Yeah, you are! You're my little pepperoni!Copy !req
450. Look who made a perfect pi—
No! God, no!Copy !req
451. No, no, no, no! No! Hot, hot, hot.Copy !req
452. - Dinner!
- What a great normal meal we're having.Copy !req
453. It's fine if no one wants to eat it.
Just know this.Copy !req
454. Up until the moment I dropped it on the
floor, it was the best pizza I ever made.Copy !req
455. - This pizza's delicious.
- Would you say it's "noice"?Copy !req
456. - No.
- Correct.Copy !req
457. That's very sweet of you, Brendan,
but we all know it's not.Copy !req
458. No, really. Try it.Copy !req
459. Dad. It's crunchy. It's chewy.
It looks gross, but it tastes perfect.Copy !req
460. I never doubted you.Copy !req
461. Guys, sympathy compliments
are just making it worse.Copy !req
462. That's a good pizza. That's a good pizza!Copy !req
463. This is the greatest day of my life!Copy !req
464. Does anyone want another clump?Copy !req
465. Nope. I guess that means
that's technically the end of dinner.Copy !req
466. So much fun. So informative.
Should we call it? Let's call it.Copy !req
467. - I'll walk Brendan out.
- It feels early.Copy !req
468. Nope. Perfect time to stop.Copy !req
469. Brendan, I can't let you go
without knowing something.Copy !req
470. Your last name, your age, something!
Are you 30? A mother needs to know!Copy !req
471. I'm not 30, I'm 13,Copy !req
472. - and my last name is Brandenham.
- No, no, no—Copy !req
473. Sorry.
I can't hear you 'cause Molly's screaming.Copy !req
474. It's funny 'cause I thought
I heard you say Brandenham.Copy !req
475. - I did.
- What?Copy !req
476. - Oh, boy.
- Well, Brendan, it's been a great ride.Copy !req
477. Sorry. Brandenham? As in Bitsy Brandenham?Copy !req
478. Yeah, she's my great-aunt.
Sounds like you're not a fan.Copy !req
479. Sorry, I don't know
if that's the right time to do that.Copy !req
480. Also, not sure what to do right now.Copy !req
481. I really thought I could keep this
a secret for, like, the next 70 years.Copy !req
482. What they're about to find out
is that Brendan is a Brandenham.Copy !req
483. They already know?Copy !req
484. I can't hear very well
when they're in the dining room. Sorry.Copy !req
485. Well, this has been
a really long, awkward silence.Copy !req
486. So I guess I'm gonna head out?Copy !req
487. I'll walk you out.Copy !req
488. Wait.
Brendan, you didn't do anything wrong.Copy !req
489. It's just, after your aunt's ad
in the paper today, we're super sensitive.Copy !req
490. - What ad?
- The one where she trashed the park.Copy !req
491. Oh, she did? Did she talk about
how she wants to buy it?Copy !req
492. - What?
- I know. It sounds crazy.Copy !req
493. Everyone in my family thinks she's nuts.Copy !req
494. - Now it all makes sense.
- That's terrifying.Copy !req
495. I guess it's over for us.
We're enemies forever.Copy !req
496. You guys aren't enemies.Copy !req
497. You can be friends,
or whatever you guys are.Copy !req
498. I don't know if you've put a label on it.
Your generation is so fluid.Copy !req
499. - Mom!
- Sorry.Copy !req
500. But you can be friends with whomever
you wanna be friends with.Copy !req
501. As long as they're not, like,
murderers or magicians.Copy !req
502. I just wanted everything to go well.
And let's face it, this is not that.Copy !req
503. Hey, things can be messy
and still go well.Copy !req
504. - Like your pizza.
- Exactly.Copy !req
505. It fell on the floor,
but it was still delicious.Copy !req
506. When I started this journey
I had a single goalCopy !req
507. I'd make a pizza so stunning
But I quickly lost controlCopy !req
508. Didn't stop me, didn't stop meCopy !req
509. Nothing would've stopped me from making
This pizza-perfect masterpieceCopy !req
510. Wouldn't give up, wouldn't shut downCopy !req
511. Had to keep on keep a-kneadin'
This dough catastropheCopy !req
512. So like this piece of pizza
Like this piece of pizzaCopy !req
513. We know love can be imperfectly perfect
Oh, no!Copy !req
514. Even if it falls apart or ends up messyCopy !req
515. Yeah, your love can be imperfectly perfectCopy !req
516. Who cares what it looks like, baby?Copy !req
517. It's more important
That it cooks right, babyCopy !req
518. So like this sloppy supper
Love can be imperfectly perfectCopy !req
519. I like the metaphor. Let me try a verse.Copy !req
520. When we mess up, when we mess upCopy !req
521. That's when we can grow
Like the pizza doughCopy !req
522. And learn how to flavor itCopy !req
523. And we might find
Yeah, we might seeCopy !req
524. That we taste a topping we would never try
And find a new favoriteCopy !req
525. Like this piece of pizza topped with—
Are these prunes?Copy !req
526. We know love can be imperfectly perfectCopy !req
527. It might look like it's been
Attacked by wild raccoonsCopy !req
528. But we know love can be
Imperfectly perfectCopy !req
529. Who cares what it looks like, baby?Copy !req
530. It's more important
That it cooks right, babyCopy !req
531. So like this ugly pizza
Love can be imperfectly perfectCopy !req
532. You can have a perfect boyfriend
But you'd probably feel boredCopy !req
533. You could run a perfect park
But tell me where is the reward?Copy !req
534. If the world was picture-perfect
Then there'd never be a scoopCopy !req
535. If you make a giant mess
Just blend it up and call it soupCopy !req
536. - So, sometimes the imperfect's preferable?
- Yeah!Copy !req
537. - Each flaw makes us more exceptional?
- YeahCopy !req
538. Like this piece of pizza
Like this piece of pizzaCopy !req
539. We know love can be imperfectly—
Perhaps you'd like to—Copy !req
540. Pizza, pizza
Yeah, we all relate to pizzaCopy !req
541. We know love can be imperfectly perfectCopy !req
542. Who cares what it looks like, baby?Copy !req
543. It's more important
That it cooks right, babyCopy !req
544. So like this piece of pizza
Love can be imperfectlyCopy !req
545. PerfectCopy !req
546. - Oh, guys.
- No? No.Copy !req
547. - Maybe try again?
- That was not our best.Copy !req
548. PerfectCopy !req
549. - Now I'm tasting floor.
- Doesn't bother me.Copy !req
550. Brendan, you are welcome back anytime.Copy !req
551. But how do you feel about wearing
a wire when you talk to Bitsy?Copy !req
552. Just kidding. Kind of. Are you open to it?
Kidding. We'll talk about it later.Copy !req
553. Mom, Dad, let's show him our dance.
Five, six, seven, eight.Copy !req
554. So, that was fun,
I think I'm supposed to say.Copy !req
555. Just, you know, hope this didn't
ruin pizza for you, or castles, or me.Copy !req
556. Does this answer your question?Copy !req
557. You kinda kissed my eye.Copy !req
558. I wasn't gonna mention it
unless you mentioned it.Copy !req
559. I'm so sorry. I was aiming for your lips,Copy !req
560. and then I saw your parents
peeking through the window.Copy !req
561. We have about ten seconds
till they peek again.Copy !req
562. Okay, well, you've got my eye.Copy !req
563. - We are terrible at this.
- I mean, not as bad as the first time.Copy !req
564. You mean when I almost killed you?
Yeah, I guess the bar's pretty low.Copy !req
565. - Let's try one more time.
- Teeth.Copy !req
566. There's still a lot to learn about him
Our love is so complexCopy !req
567. Perfect relationshipCopy !req
568. I know his name is Brendan something
And he likes to textCopy !req
569. Even though I don't
I don't know her last nameCopy !req
570. - I think we're both, both in eighth grade
- Don't knowCopy !req
571. I know, I know
I am in a perfect relationshipCopy !req
572. Perfect relationshipCopy !req
573. Sometimes I think I am dreaming
Could this be real life?Copy !req
574. So complexCopy !req
575. And when she sent that shrimp emoji
I knew I found my wifeCopy !req
576. Even though we don't, we don't
Talk in personCopy !req
577. - He is my everything
- She's my everythingCopy !req
578. I want the world to know I'm in a per—Copy !req