Central Park 1x7

1. Since I was a kid, my heroes have been Not the kind most would prefer

2. They carry swords They're ten inches high

3. They're completely covered in fur

4. These epic tales of heroic quests

5. Of these squirrels who live in the park

6. The greatest stories To have ever been told

7. Tomorrow's the day Be still my heart

8. Cole's giddy because tomorrow there's a big scavenger hunt in the park

9. based on his favorite series of books,

10. The Squirrel Quarrels, written by Kelleth Vanbeaceler.

11. Interesting fact about— Oh, sorry. He's still singing.

12. Attention Boys and girls and squirrels

13. Get ready for tomorrow because

14. It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts

15. It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts

16. Grab your nutsacks For the Squavenger Hunt

17. We're all gonna be swimming in nuts

18. It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts

19. It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts

20. It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts

21. Remember when Muddgrabber fled From Stinkcloud Keep

22. In a disguise he made from leaves

23. Or when Chatterling flew Through the Dark Ramble

24. To defeat the Council of Thieves

25. I don't. But that all sounds very exciting.

26. Quick question for the group.

27. How long are we gonna talk about these books? All night?

28. Until I graduate college? Until the Earth goes into the sun?

29. Just trying to plan accordingly.

30. Uh-huh. Remember a little thing called The Apartment Bears?

31. How dare you. That's totally different.

32. They lived in the real world and faced real problems.

33. They are the bravest squirrel warriors Ooh!

34. To ever skitter-scamp up a bower home

35. And tomorrow They will be brought to life

36. In the park outside of our home Our home

37. Whatever.

38. Attention Boys and girls and squirrels

39. Get ready for tomorrow because

40. It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts

41. It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts

42. It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts

43. Nuts, nuts

44. I'm excited for you guys.

45. It's been a while since you had a good father-son day.

46. Not since you took him to the barber to fix the bald spot you gave him.

47. They were new trimmers. They got away from me. But yeah.

48. The barber gave us both lollipops, so it was a good day.

49. Gonna be hard to beat that. Good luck.

50. Not to toot my own horn,

51. but those books got him interested in reading and interested in the park.

52. Pretty strong parenting. Not that it's a contest.

53. - Oh, do you really wanna go there? - We're already there.

54. Name three of their friends. What are they doing after school on Monday?

55. What size clothes do they wear? What grade is Cole in?

56. Okay, okay, okay. I give. You're a mean lady.

57. You know what? Your dad and your brother are off on their date,

58. I need a break from work,

59. and you look like you could use a break from whatever you're doing there.

60. Epic cat fails. Man, this cat's so stupid.

61. What do you say to a little Mother-Daughter Blood Chess?

62. Why do games make you so intense? Can we just call it "chess"?

63. Uh, what about "Happy Family Chess Massacre"?

64. Fine. "Blood Chess."

65. Thank you for your knight.

66. My bishop is going to redecorate this square

67. in a style that is more appropriate for her.

68. I'm just gonna say it. Beanbag chair.

69. I love that you love playing chess with me.

70. I'm not crying. Why would a game of chess make me cry?

71. - Uh-huh, uh-huh. Check. - Wow, very bold.

72. I'm gonna move out of check.

73. And I don't know if you've developed the middle of the board, honeybuns.

74. Great advice. Check, again.

75. Balls! I mean, good job.

76. - But are you ready for this? - Yes. Kinda. Checkmate.

77. No. No, what?

78. Holy crap, you beat me. You really beat me.

79. You say that like I haven't beaten you the last, what, 50 times?

80. Right, right. Of course.

81. Wait. Have you been letting me win?

82. Absolutely not. But today, you actually beat me.

83. Letting me win. How is that remotely Mother-Daughter Blood Chess?

84. Look, I didn't want you to get discouraged and not wanna play anymore.

85. So, yes. That was not very bloody, but it was very mother-daughtery.

86. - I can't believe this. - I can't believe it either.

87. You're really good. Like, way better than I was at your age.

88. You should be very proud of yourself, you little turd.

89. I guess I forgive you. Only because, apparently, I'm a genius.

90. Hey, does this mean I'm ready to play people that aren't my mom?

91. Like, people in the park?

92. Whoa. Slow down, tiger.

93. I mean, the chess players in the park might be, you know, a little much.

94. - But I'm ready, right? - Yeah.

95. - I don't believe you. - No, you are. This is how I talk.

96. So, I guess we should go down to the chess house right now?

97. Okay. Okay. Maybe we should.

98. So, Paige and Molly are having their mama-Molly time.

99. Owen and Cole are having their dada-Cole time.

100. And Bitsy Brandenham is having Bitsy extra-alcohol time,

101. because she's off to the Brandenham annual family retreat at her brother's house,

102. which she's hoping to ruin.

103. The retreat, I mean. And the house actually. Either one.

104. Aerial shot!

105. Look at all these backslappers and glad-handers.

106. So pathetic. Also, what's happening here?

107. - Oh, dear. Heart attack? - No!

108. You're milking an invisible cow?

109. No, you dope. My drinky-drinky hand is empty.

110. Mm-hmm. Mm, and yeah.

111. Look how stupid my brother looks. Oh, you're gone.

112. What's soft and white And has a family crest?

113. Sitting on his fortune Like a viper on his nest

114. Big deal

115. And you, little missy With your money grab

116. Playing with your ponies While your daddy pays the tab

117. Big deal

118. Damn the patriarch

119. Bitsy's got some news to share

120. I'll take Central Park Make it like a real Times Square

121. Those fools and frauds and failures Ought to kneel

122. Before a real big deal

123. And you, dearest cousin With your blockhead face

124. Burning through your money Like a human fireplace

125. Big deal

126. Ahoy, Captain Crunch If I could have a word

127. Why you gotta dress up Like you're Thurston Howell III?

128. Big deal

129. I just wanna scream

130. Desecrate their hallowed halls

131. Take one for the team And kick them in their bocce balls

132. I'll sign, initial, notarize, and seal

133. What is a real big deal

134. Bitsy. Why are you standing so far away? Oh, no. You're just small.

135. Hmm. At least my spine goes in the right direction.

136. You're like a human question mark.

137. Next year you'll be able to tie your shoes with your teeth.

138. - I'm still taller than you. - You're not!

139. - Hair doesn't count. - My head goes all the way up.

140. You never usually come to these things.

141. Are you here to ask for money like all these other bloodsuckers?

142. First of all, no. And second of all, do you mean Father's money,

143. that you sit on top of like a disgusting little dragon?

144. I control the trust. It's my money.

145. How much do you need? So I can pretend to consider it and then say no.

146. You reanimated mummy. I'm the one who inherited a moldy money pit of a hotel

147. and turned it into a multimillion dollar business without help from anyone.

148. Meanwhile, you haven't made a dime in your life that wasn't interest.

149. You're like a Roth IRA, but less fun.

150. Excuse me. I have to go drink this whole thing before I talk to you anymore.

151. See you in five minutes.

152. - Cole! - Enrique! Happy Squavenger Hunt day.

153. Hey, Enrique from school, I think. Is your dad doing the hunt too?

154. Uh, he says he's not much of a scavenger guy.

155. More of a sitter and reader, but, like, in a supportive way.

156. Hope it won't be awkward

157. if there's some super intense father-son bonding going on between me and my dad.

158. No, no. Me and my dad are doing that too.

159. Oh, good. Yeah. Good.

160. Hello, Nut Nuts!

161. Welcome to The Squirrel Quarrels Squavenger Hunt!

162. All of you are on a mission

163. to gather these six mystical talismans of the Moss Moon.

164. - What's a Moss Moon? - Shh! It's the rarest of moons.

165. The wooden sword, the quill, the mud-dallion,

166. the three magical acorns, the leafy headband and the eye patch.

167. - Sounds like my date night outfit. - Shh!

168. There are clues hidden throughout the park to lead you to the talismans.

169. The first three participants to reach the Squirrel General's tent with all six

170. will get to dine with me, Kelleth Vanbeaceler,

171. - on acorn cake and leaf juice. - Yay!

172. Sweet, sweet leaf juice.

173. Hey, Cole? No matter who wins, let's stay friends.

174. - But if you win, I hate you. - Squirrel, please.

175. And three, two, one! Open your first clue.

176. - Good luck! Not really! - Same to you!

177. "In The Songs of Teeth and Twigs,

178. Sharpclaw defeated the Skunk Army

179. at the last human fountain to be added to Central Park.

180. That's where you'll find your first talisman."

181. Oh, I know this. May not be 100% fair

182. that you're doing this with the manager of Central Park.

183. - The Sophie Loeb Fountain. Right, Dad? - That one is actually pretty old.

184. The Untermyer Fountain in the Conservatory Garden

185. was the last one to be added to the park.

186. That's ridiculous, Dad. That's Stripetail territory.

187. Sharpclaw would never go there.

188. Okay, okay. I'll follow your lead. Oh, we're running. Uh-oh! Uh, oh.

189. I guess I'm really doing this.

190. A game of chess with someone who didn't give birth to me.

191. - That you know of. - What?

192. Sorry, just nervous. Not about you playing.

193. You're great. I'm just— I'm nervous I didn't put deodorant on.

194. Well, we talked about that.

195. I lost. Chess was all I had. I never should've come here.

196. Oh, God.

197. - Uh, what about that kid? - Yeah, sure. I'll warm up on him.

198. Or only play him. Your choice.

199. Maybe just hang back if we're not doing the overbearing mother thing.

200. - Are we not doing that? - Yes. Let's try it without.

201. Hey, so, are you waiting to play someone or just, um, waiting?

202. Probably not that.

203. That would be a weird place to sit, with chess pieces and not play.

204. - What I'm asking is, do you wanna play? - Whoa. That is a lot of words.

205. - I know. Definitely too many. I'm Molly. - I'm Danny.

206. You sure you wanna play?

207. I'm worried you might be working through some stuff

208. and you won't be able to concentrate.

209. No, this is how many words I normally say.

210. This is me at my healthiest. Should we play?

211. - Chess we should. - Ooh, now I don't wanna.

212. I'm kidding. I do.

213. - That probably didn't feel great. - It didn't. But it did set me up for this.

214. - Dang it. - Checkmate.

215. - Wait, no. That's not— Whoa, it is. - Yeah, that's checkmate.

216. Yes! Stranger-Daughter Blood Match champion! Drink the blood!

217. Do you know that lady over there?

218. That's my mom. That's kind of our family chess chant.

219. It's... catchy? Should we play again?

220. I'll try to think of some weird, scary thing to scream when I win.

221. Don't think too hard, 'cause it's not happening. And also, checkmate.

222. - What? - Just kidding.

223. - We haven't set up the board. - Right, right.

224. They look like they're having fun, right? Well, most of them are.

225. The problem for Owen on this fine Saturday afternoon

226. is that the Squavenger Hunt has been slowly driving him crazy,

227. which is pronounced "squazy."

228. And even worse, Owen has been driving Cole "squazy."

229. There he is. The next talisman. The wooden sword.

230. I don't get it. The clue said the arch is on the west side,

231. but we're here on the east side.

232. I mean, this author is kinda loose with the facts.

233. Dad, you're doing it again. Besides, west, east, is there really a difference?

234. I mean, yes.

235. Also, it says King Greyfur started the Battle of the Arch,

236. but the last clue said he was a peaceful king.

237. Yeah, Dad, he was. Until he ate the Seed of Evil.

238. I don't know why he did it. I'm sure he had his reasons.

239. Anyway, can we just go to the next talisman?

240. So, Owen kept doing "that thing,"

241. and Cole kept calling him on doing "that thing,"

242. but everyone was being pretty cool until Owen went too damn far.

243. So the squirrels become dinosaurs for a whole book? Dinosaurs?

244. Yes. They became dinosaurs, and it was fantastic.

245. So, they just abandoned the squirrel premise,

246. but the book is still called "squirrels"?

247. That's what they were before they evolved. It's called "squevolution."

248. Squirrels did not evolve from dinosaurs, Cole!

249. You did not just say that.

250. I did. And it's true. Look, I really wanna do this.

251. I'm just having a hard time because nothing in these books makes sense.

252. It's like we didn't just collect three talismans together.

253. Hey, Cole! I know where the Mud-dallion of Muddgrabber is!

254. Dad, I think I'm just gonna go do the rest of the hunt with Enrique.

255. - Enrique, wait up! - Wait, no. That's not what I—

256. - I'll— I'll see you back at the house. - Cole!

257. - Hey, babe. - Hi.

258. Owen, get this. Molly is playing pickup chess in the park,

259. and I'm just gonna say it.

260. Our daughter is a ruthless B-word. I have never been prouder.

261. - Wow. That's— that's great. - I know. How's the hunt going?

262. I messed up. I'm a terrible father.

263. I should be sent to Failed Father Island.

264. Oh, hon. Do you get to sleep in there? It sounds kinda nice. What happened?

265. Did you know how ridiculous those books actually are?

266. Which books? The ones about the squirrel warriors

267. who live and walk among us without us noticing,

268. and they protect the park from all sorts of supernatural threats?

269. - Those books? - Okay. I hear it now.

270. Well, at least your daughter's doing great.

271. Thanks to me. I'm kidding.

272. - Only a little bit. I love you. - I love you too.

273. I've ruined everything.

274. This morning Everything was going great

275. Woke up on top of it all

276. Honestly I didn't see that I would fall

277. Flash forward And I really cannot overstate

278. How totally my ship went down

279. And now my son Might run me out of town

280. I'd love to change what I have done

281. But I don't have that kind of control

282. Failed Father Island, here I come

283. Where I'll eat only sand And poop in a hole

284. I thought I was a genius

285. But it turns out I was just a dumb dad

286. A— on a scale of one to ten

287. Why didn't I foresee this?

288. I ruined this day, and now I'm sad

289. Please, can we do today again?

290. Hello, today is going great

291. Knock wood, I'm on top of it all

292. Honestly I never expected this windfall

293. At home, my heart began to palpitate

294. Wasn't sure how this would go down

295. I fully thought my ship Would run aground

296. My daughter's a badass chess machine And I've never been more proud

297. I'm as giddy as a mom could be But now I'm not afraid to say aloud

298. I guess I'm a genius

299. A mom who puts other moms to shame

300. A "hell yeah" on a scale of one to ten

301. Bow down before my queen-ness

302. I will check every mate in every game

303. Please, can we do today again?

304. - I wanna unsay - The winner is clear

305. - So much of today - For mom of the year

306. - I wanna have a chance to replay - I'll take my crown and rose bouquet

307. I want a do-over

308. - This feels pretty great - Don't make much ado over

309. - So why not just celebrate - Don't wanna stew over

310. The surprise that was today

311. So call me a genius

312. - A mom - A dad

313. On top of the game

314. - A "whoo" on a scale of one to ten - A— on a scale of one to ten

315. I want to decree this

316. - A day to put in the hall of shame - A day to put in the hall of fame

317. Please, can we do today again?

318. It's time for the Passing of the Oar,

319. where we say what we've accomplished in the last year, even if it's stupid.

320. As the patriarch and most influential and virile member of the family,

321. I will begin by passing the oar to one of our youngest members, Benson.

322. It's Brendan, but okay.

323. Uh, I've been flying my kites, uh, in the sky. I guess that's implied.

324. Oh. And I met a girl named Molly.

325. Huh? What? Oh, right. You're the one with the kites. Depressing.

326. - Next. - Oh, cool.

327. Super glad I decided to sit here.

328. I'll go next.

329. This year, I've raised a million dollars for my charity,

330. Horse Braces for Racehorses.

331. In addition to the million dollars I gave you?

332. Well, no, Daddy, one million total. So far.

333. Disappointing. Next. Anton.

334. Helen. Make sure Ambrose's man doesn't bring back whatever Ambrose asked for.

335. On it.

336. Blending up meat much?

337. Ambrose drinks two of these a day.

338. He has low iron, and he hasn't chewed his food in 15 years.

339. Well, Bitsy doesn't want me to let you out of here with that.

340. - What? Why? - I don't know. Who cares?

341. - Well, I'm bringing it to him. - No, you're not.

342. - Move. - No.

343. - Shoo. - No.

344. - Well, that's just mean. - So is this.

345. Oh, I'm in the meat.

346. - You guys calling it quits? - I guess so, yeah.

347. I mean, that was fun to lose so many times, so quickly,

348. but, yeah, we can stop.

349. I know my daughter wiped the floor with you,

350. so here's a hot dog. It's the least I can do.

351. It helps a little.

352. If you're tired of winning, you ought to play Konstantin.

353. Who's Konstantin?

354. You didn't clock grandpa over there eating bodega sushi,

355. playing ten people at the same time?

356. That guy's good at chess? He's so bad at eating sushi.

357. No, he's not good at chess. Konstantin is a chess master,

358. and undefeated in this park as far as I know.

359. Checkmate.

360. Ooh. Checkmate.

361. Ah. Checkmate.

362. Is it weird that I kinda wanna play him?

363. Yes. No. I don't know. Let's maybe not?

364. - Why not? - You did good. You won.

365. I'm so proud of you. Nothing terrible happened.

366. Let's go home and hug the crap out of each other.

367. Mom, I wanna do it.

368. What if I physically picked you up and carried you home? Oh, where you going?

369. Excuse me, sir? Do you think you could add one more game?

370. Set it up, tiny person.

371. Molly, did you hear that? I think there's a twister coming.

372. We gotta get to the storm cellar.

373. Mom, Paige, I can handle it. Hm.

374. Oh, God. I forget where everything goes. Just kidding.

375. Okay, there's only one talisman left to find. We might win this thing.

376. I think you're right. We're the only ones with headbands.

377. Not only are we gonna win, but we're gonna look hot doing it.

378. What does the clue say?

379. "Go to the clearing where Chatterling's father was eaten by a hawk

380. while trying to defend him." So, yeah.

381. - That was so sad. - I miss my dad.

382. Me too. I miss your dad too.

383. We're on our own. I think we're men now.

384. - But we're too young for mortgages. - I know.

385. Mm, mm.

386. Hi, sir. Hello. Um—

387. So I did that chess thing that you see there. So, yeah.

388. Very groovy. Um, okay, would you accept a draw?

389. Like we just stop and call it even?

390. Say yes, say yes, say yes.

391. - No, thank you. - What?

392. You don't want draw?

393. Nope. I wanna rumble. Sir. If that's okay with you.

394. Okay. I stay here and we play out the game.

395. Ow! That hurt. Never did that before. Lesson learned.

396. - Oh, wow. Look at her go. - Mm-hmm. Mm.

397. - Mm. Checkmate. - It's over?

398. I respect you. Even though I embarrassed you so quickly.

399. Oh, my God, she's gonna hate chess now. I should have never let her come here.

400. Hey, buddy. What you got there? Books?

401. - I'm do— doing the Squavenger Hunt. - Oh. That's exsquiting.

402. Yes. I have to find my son before he divorces me.

403. I went and got the books from the house so I could—

404. Why did we buy hardcovers? So hard to read and run.

405. I don't know if this is relevant,

406. but I saw a couple of plushies going at it in the Rambles. Is that helpful?

407. Oh, I wish I knew the answer. Ah! I see him! There he is.

408. Ooh! Running music!

409. Make it fast walking music. I'm exhausted. I gotta fast walk.

410. - That's kind of a lope. - All right, loping music.

411. Loping it is!

412. - Cole! - Hi, Dad.

413. - Hi, Cole. - You look well.

414. - Thank you. Thank you very much. - What's in the backpack?

415. The books. All the books. So many books.

416. I had to redo the whole Squavenger Hunt to find you.

417. I'm so sorry that I was—

418. - A jerk? - Yeah. A jerk.

419. - About the books? - Yes, about the books.

420. - And you love them now? - Yes, I love them now.

421. Wait, no, I can't lie. I hate them. But I love you,

422. and I love that you love them, and I wanna finish this hunt with you.

423. Aw, Dad. I wanna finish this hunt with you.

424. I wanna finish this hunt with you too, Cole's dad.

425. I'm here too. I was just playing Owen's loping music.

426. Aw. You're hugging. No. You're stabbing him?

427. No, you're hugging. That's good.

428. Where are you guys going?

429. The clearing where Chatterling's father was eaten by the hawk.

430. - Well, isn't that by Cedar Hill? - Yes, Dad. How did you know?

431. I skimmed the last book.

432. Oh, no. They're gonna catch up to us. We have to run.

433. Oh, good. More running.

434. Enrique, hold the backpack.

435. All right, never mind. Get up. Get up. Sorry.

436. - Ambrose, you okay? You want the, uh... - Huh?

437. What? Oh.

438. Where's Anton? I need my smoothie.

439. Looking great, you withered old grape.

440. Well, it's been another great year for the Brandenham Trust,

441. which I am the executor of.

442. Our investments continue to bring high returns,

443. just like every year since Father put me in charge.

444. The one child he trusted.

445. Boring! Are you done? Everyone wants you to be done.

446. So, this year, I'm buying Central Park and developing it.

447. It will be the biggest real estate deal in the history of the world.

448. You can't imagine the numbers.

449. There will be more zeros in there than there are sitting in this room right now.

450. - What does that mean? - Is there more to her news?

451. I don't know. Just keep smiling.

452. Well, that's gonna be fun for you, Aunt Bitsy. Lots of fun.

453. It's not gonna be fun!

454. They're gonna write history books about me, you idiots!

455. I guess it's my turn. I ran my first 5k last year,

456. and this year I'm...

457. gonna do another 5k!

458. - Oh! - Oh.

459. Really? Really?

460. I'm out.

461. I guess I'm no genius

462. Turns out I was just a dumb mom

463. Overexcited, I should've stayed calm

464. But blood sport's my weakness

465. I let my girl play until she lost

466. What kind of mother have I been?

467. Mom, it's okay. I played a chess master. Of course I lost.

468. Oh. But you were doing so well. Why didn't you take the draw?

469. Because I wanted to see how he'd beat me.

470. If I took the draw, I wouldn't really learn anything from it, right?

471. Oh, oh!

472. So proud of you. Mother-Daughter Blood Hug.

473. Hey, Aunt Bitsy. Are you really gonna try to buy Central Park?

474. - Yes. - I don't think you should.

475. Isn't it, like, a public place that shouldn't be for sale?

476. - Yes. - Won't people be mad at you?

477. Thank you. This is the reaction I was looking for.

478. Helen, this is the reaction I was looking for.

479. - Wait, Bratson. - Brendan.

480. Shush. I need you to do something for me. Go inside and let...

481. - Anton. - Anton out of the, uh...

482. - What closet is it, Helen? - The broom closet downstairs.

483. Yes, the broom closet. Anton got locked in there by accident.

484. Let him out, will you? Ambrose will be needing his meat shake.

485. Uh, okay.

486. Smoothie.

487. I feel like this happens every year. I wish I'd gone to Jacob's bowling party.

488. - A toast to the winners! - Hooray!

489. Hooray!

490. But wait, explain the dinosaur thing.

491. - Dad. - No, no, I get it.

492. I just didn't know if Enrique gets it.

493. So I was wondering if Kelleth would walk us through it.

494. Dad.

495. Nothing like ending the day with a fat slice of acorn cake

496. and a big cup of leaf juice.

497. I like it.

498. They are the bravest Squirrel warriors, ooh!

499. To ever skitter-scamp up a bower home

500. And tomorrow They will be brought to life

501. In the park outside of our home Our home

502. Attention Boys and girls and squirrels

503. Get ready for tomorrow because

504. It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts

505. It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts

506. It's gonna be nuts, nuts, nuts

507. Nuts