Central Park 1x3

1. Hi. How are you? Don't answer. I should do the talking.

2. Lots of stuff going on,

3. so allow me and my stringy little friend here to fill you in.

4. Remember when city councilman Leo Shallenhammer voted "no,"

5. and now they won't renew the Park League's contract? Drama.

6. No.

7. The city and the Park League Are they fighting? This is shady

8. But Paige will crack the case 'Cause she's a journalism lady

9. The end. Just kidding, there's more.

10. Even though the city's being A little dysfunctional

11. The Park League is still putting on Their annual hat luncheon-al

12. They pitch a huge white tent And it's all a big to-do

13. Rich people in crazy hats That's white people for you

14. The end. Just kidding. There's a little more.

15. The luncheon I just mentioned It has a keynote speaker

16. To celebrate the retirement Of one of the groundskeepers

17. It's kind of a big deal The mayor's gonna be there

18. But the keynote speaker's Owen And speeching is his nightmare

19. Owen's kinda cute when he's nervous, but yeah, this is hell for him.

20. Okay, I think that's it.

21. And the water's off in the castle

22. Everyone in there smells pretty weird Right now

23. - Go, go, go! - Did you call the plumber?

24. Yeah, I called him.

25. Oh, well. No one promised us running water when you took this job.

26. That's right. No one mentioned it at all, but we dared to dream.

27. Okay, Leo Shallenhammer,

28. where are you and why did you vote against the Park League?

29. I mean, it makes no sense.

30. It's turning down free money. Who turns down free money?

31. It happens. A tourist once offered me $5 to put a tiny vest on a squirrel,

32. but wasn't the right vest.

33. Why? Color?

34. - Too many buttons. - Tourists.

35. But, I mean, hopefully the stuff between the Park League and the city

36. will just work itself out, he said, not at all terrified.

37. Nuh-uh. Something weird's going on. I can smell it.

38. It's probably me, 'cause a shower doesn't work at all without water.

39. B-T-dub, flushing is also tricky.

40. I'm gonna need a long serving fork, some gloves, and your prayers.

41. Oh, speaking of turds that just lay there, how's your speech going, Dad?

42. Sorry. I'm dirty and grumpy.

43. The speech he's giving is about Merle Fowler,

44. who's retiring after 47 years.

45. Owen is presenting him with the Golden Rake,

46. the highest honor possible in the groundskeeping game.

47. You can use it as an actual rake, but it is frowned upon.

48. It's not going good, Molly. Thank you for asking.

49. Not going good at all. I hate speeches. So bad at this.

50. What? No.

51. "You may say this is just another tennis court."

52. Son of a bitch. Grab those cards!

53. "So, when workers cut through this rock,

54. which is called Manhattan schist, they cut through it using boring machines."

55. He's a boring machine.

56. "And because there were no labor unions—"

57. He's a labor union.

58. What's funny about that?

59. He's funny about that.

60. You just haven't had a good audience.

61. Are they gonna have fancy ice cream at the hat luncheon again this year?

62. The hat luncheon has good ice cream. Really good ice cream. So good—

63. I don't know. Probably.

64. Describe it to me, in detail.

65. - I'm assuming it'll be cold and creamy. - Yes.

66. Hey, kids, help your mom out.

67. I wanna try and find a guy using social media.

68. You and Dad couldn't make it work?

69. No, I'm trying to stalk this city councilman.

70. He's been dodging me all week.

71. So I'm thinking if I show up wherever he is

72. on an easy-breezy Saturday morning, start chatting... Boom! I get a quote.

73. - What's his name and how old is he? - Leo Shallenhammer, and he's about my age.

74. Facebook.

75. Yes! That's my Leo.

76. Getting a schvitz at Seoulshevik's Spa.

77. He just posted that.

78. A Korean-Russian spa?

79. Yeah, they have communal baths, they hit you with branches...

80. You know what? I'm gonna go down there right now.

81. I'm gonna have a schvitz and get a quote.

82. - Is a schvitz like a shower? - Schvort of.

83. - Then I'm going too. - You kids have fun.

84. When's the last time you had a shower?

85. - When did we lose water? - 7:00 this morning.

86. - A week ago. - You're going.

87. Great. We're gonna have a schvitz, I'm gonna use my wits.

88. And Cole's gonna wash his tits.

89. - They get a shower, I get a scoop. - And I get to flush my poop.

90. Okay, we should stop rhyming.

91. You sure you're okay taking the kids while you're working?

92. Yeah. All the best journalists take their kids on assignment.

93. I wish I had your confidence. Can we switch bodies?

94. You do the hat luncheon speech and I be the hot lady reporter?

95. Honey, remember, don't think about failure.

96. Think about the future, when you finish the speech

97. and everyone's clapping because you did great.

98. Kids, grab your bathing suits, your MetroCards,

99. - and a positive attitude. - Yay!

100. Come on, kids, here we go There's a lead to pursue

101. And your mama needs a comment And she's gonna come through

102. Mom, we're really proud of you You're hot on the chase

103. But check your fly

104. What is that on your face?

105. I'll get the truth, 'cause I'm a sleuth Come on and see

106. 'Cause Mama's got this, Mama's got this

107. Sorry if I spit on you Your mama's got this

108. Mama's got this, Mama's got this

109. This journalist just can't resist

110. Your mama's got this

111. Life gives you lemons So you take 'em in stride

112. If you get the lemons talking There's a story inside

113. Your metaphors are messy But you're still the top

114. Now, back on the train 'Cause this isn't our stop

115. Be aware, we're almost there So wait and see

116. 'Cause Mama's got this, Mama's got this

117. Oops, forgot deodorant.

118. We think our mama's got this

119. Mama's got this, Mama's got this

120. Mom's looking like a boss

121. Did she roll around in sauce?

122. Here's Mama

123. Mama's got this

124. Is Mom speaking Polish?

125. She's definitely trying to.

126. Okeydoke.

127. One great quote about the vote

128. I'm on my way

129. Sing it!

130. They know it.

131. In the East Village I am—

132. Who is she? We all agree

133. - This mama's got this - Hey, it's me.

134. Look, your mama's got this

135. Oh, my God, look That mama's got this

136. Watch and learn, kids 'Cause you know your mama's got this

137. You blinked. I win again. You suck at this.

138. Sorry to interrupt. Mr. Garth is here with his hats.

139. Excuse me.

140. Ms. Brandenham, the hat luncheon... What is the look you're going for?

141. Let's see. I hate the park, I hate charities,

142. I hate all those puffed-up women in their stupid hats.

143. Basically, I need something that says,

144. "Contempt, but I'm here, so check this out."

145. So, why is Bitsy going to the hat luncheon if she hates it so much?

146. Because she's got a sneaky little plan

147. to drive a wedge between the Park League and City Hall,

148. but I know, you wanna see what hat she goes with.

149. I get it, I get it. We cut back.

150. Let's try on some hats. Boys.

151. Helen.

152. - Hat fashion show. - That's it.

153. I call it "Windmills on Your Mind."

154. It's called "Mount Rush-Less and Enjoy the Hat."

155. We call this one "Realms of Insanity."

156. "Stormy Weather," AKA, push the button, "Raindrops Keep Falling on Your Head."

157. The rain is collected in the brim and pumped back into the cloud.

158. It was developed by NASA.

159. - How do I look? - Like a dirty cotton ball.

160. You got me.

161. - Can we get lightning on this thing? - We have people on it.

162. - We're two years out. - I'll take it anyway.

163. Jimmy, Archie, Sal and Tom

164. Those are the names of moles that I have

165. Thank you. Thank you.

166. I just made that up. Can you believe it? Thank you very much.

167. And here comes The super cool manager of the park

168. Thank you, everyone. I gotta go. I gotta go.

169. Hey. Index cards can only mean one thing.

170. Somebody started collecting index cards.

171. What are these? Note cards with famous clichés on them?

172. What? No. I'm practicing a speech. I have to give a speech.

173. Which one's a cliché?

174. Hey, I know.

175. People love it when you sing about them.

176. Yeah, I've seen it often.

177. So, when you start bombing, and I'm not saying you will,

178. but assuming you bomb, if there's a guy in the front row with glasses, you'd sing...

179. Who's this handsome fossil in the goggles?

180. Or if he's sitting with his sister, you go...

181. Who's this handsome mister With his sister?

182. - Or if he has big ears, you'd be like— - I get it. Thank you.

183. I'm helpful.

184. Who's that fast-walking bearded guy?

185. Oh, who's just refusing to meet my eye? It's you, sir

186. Where you going?

187. I take back every bad thing I've ever said about hot water.

188. Let's live here.

189. I should go look for Leo.

190. But do you guys wanna get hit with branches real quick?

191. I feel like I'm running backwards through the woods really fast.

192. Or like a tree is mad at me.

193. All right. I gotta go. Beat them.

194. Kids, stay here. I'm gonna go get my quote.

195. Yep. Perfect place to leave your kids.

196. Yes, Leo.

197. - What's in there? - Little fish.

198. - Why? - To eat the dead skin.

199. - What did they do to deserve that? - They like it.

200. Leo, I'm Paige Hunter from What's New, New York?

201. Paige Hunter? The one who's been calling me all week?

202. Yeah. Sorry to bother you on your day off. Just a couple of questions.

203. Wait, are you doing that thing

204. where a reporter interviews someone in a comfortable place to get them to talk?

205. No, no, no, no. I just happened to—

206. Sorry, that's really a weird sensation.

207. Okay, why did you vote "no" to re-ratify the Park League's contract?

208. Because the mayor told me to.

209. The mayor of the city, Mayor Whitney Whitebottom? Yeah.

210. What? That came from the mayor?

211. Yeah, but that's off the record.

212. You can't say... something and then say it's off the record.

213. Yes, I can. That's definitely a thing.

214. No, it's not.

215. It's a thing. I'm a lawyer. It's a thing.

216. In a steam room you could argue that the source was in an altered state.

217. Oh, what? Because of the fish?

218. Yes, because of the fish.

219. I've been doing fish-I-pedis for years

220. and I always leave drowsy and more open emotionally.

221. Yeah, what he said.

222. Why don't you leave me alone and go ask the mayor questions

223. wherever it is he goes for his grooming and self-care?

224. I can corner the mayor at the hat luncheon tomorrow.

225. That's where I'll get my quote. Oh, my God. I stepped on one.

226. - What? - He's fine. He's fine. He's totally fine.

227. You can see that Mama's got this Yeah

228. Mama's got this

229. Like fishies in a foot spa You know your mama's got this

230. Mama's got this Mama's got this

231. Ooh, are those free samples?

232. - Ooh, lotion. - Grease me up.

233. Please just leave

234. This is what it feels like You know your mama's got this

235. Honey, looking good. Is someone finally over his nerves?

236. Not quite. I changed shirts three times.

237. Well, better stick with this one.

238. I think you only own five shirts. No reason to punish all of them, right?

239. Hey. You are going to... nail this.

240. Thanks for getting me into the luncheon, by the way.

241. You're welcome. You're not gonna make a big scene though, are you?

242. Nope. I'm just gonna sidle up to the mayor,

243. ask him a couple of questions, get my quote and get out.

244. You mean ask the mayor why he wants to defund the park?

245. Sure. Totally fine. Not terrifying at all.

246. You know what? Don't even think about that.

247. If everyone's jittery, then you show 'em confidence.

248. Just look out at those little old ladies, make eye contact and smile.

249. Be a rock in the storm.

250. That's not— I don't think that's an expression.

251. Honey, we're both gonna be storm rocks at this luncheon.

252. - Storm rocks. - Oh, yeah.

253. We're two serious people doing our serious jobs in a serious way.

254. We finished making your crazy hat, Mom.

255. Let's friggin' luncheon.

256. Good crime fighting, Kite Boy.

257. Same to you, Fista-Puffs. Great crime fighting.

258. Wanna practice slow-motion face battling?

259. - Face battling? What's that? - It's really cool. Let me show you.

260. - Jeez. - Sorry.

261. I thought I saw some movement up there on the balcony.

262. Where are you, Shampagne?

263. Obsessed much?

264. Oh, please.

265. You're missing that kite boy.

266. Yeah, I wouldn't mind seeing him again, but where is he?

267. I don't know how to find the guy if he's not in his usual spot.

268. You should've set up a howling system like Shampagne and I did.

269. - Yep. Yep. - Kite!

270. Look, there's a thing At the end of that string

271. Up there! Why don't you look up there?

272. Look over there What's that in the sky?

273. Oh, my God, Brendan! Let's go.

274. Okay, where was I? Oh, yes.

275. Pigeon, pigeon, you're a pigeon

276. I'm gonna teach you how to dance

277. I should've taught Owen how to dance, so if his speech goes badly, he can dance.

278. No. He'll be fine. He'll be fine.

279. Don't think about the failures

280. Think about the future Think about the future, 'kay

281. Don't think about the failures

282. Think about the future Think about the future, yeah

283. When I try to give a speech I always end up feeling foolish

284. My tongue gets tied I hurt my pride and more

285. Guess it's something I could work on

286. Like that guy helped Colin Firth on

287. Don't think about the failures

288. Think about the future Think about the future, yeah

289. Don't think about the failures

290. Don't think about the failures Think about the future

291. Think about how good it will feel

292. How it's really no big deal We got this

293. Remember to smile Remember to smile

294. Remember to smile How's this?

295. Remember to make eye contact Eye contact

296. Eye contact, smile Eye contact, smile, yeah

297. All my prep and my research will

298. Make me seem like Winston Churchill

299. Remember to smile, remember to breathe Remember to not suck

300. When I try to give a speech

301. Hi. Hi.

302. You look fabulous. Who are you wearing?

303. I'm not sure. Union Pacific? What's yours?

304. Highlights from the first season of The Crown.

305. Oh, excuse me.

306. Hi, there. I'm with What's New, New York?

307. and I'd love to grab Mayor Whitebottom for a couple of questions.

308. Sorry, not today. Call the communications director.

309. - Okay. Who is that? - Me, but I'm busy. Call me later.

310. - But— - Shoo. Nice hat, but shoo.

311. Get me something from the bar. No, get me two.

312. Two somethings?

313. You're right. Three somethings, and get me, like, 50 shrimp.

314. It'll all be worth it. It'll all be worth it...

315. The mayor's acting weird. There's trouble brewing.

316. What?

317. No, everything's probably fine.

318. Yeah, maybe you're right. Oh, here he comes now.

319. Hi, Mr. Mayor. So glad you could make it. I hope we can—

320. Nothing. Nothing. He didn't even slow down.

321. Handsome bastard. Something's going down today.

322. What? No, no, no. Nothing's going down.

323. Oh, my gosh. How the heck did that happen?

324. It looks like you peed.

325. Well, I don't pee out of my knees.

326. - Looks like you do. - Nobody pees out of their knees.

327. I've peed on my knees.

328. Love the Park League. Love everything you people do.

329. It's weird the city froze the contract, isn't it?

330. - It's a slap in the face is what it is. - Excuse me.

331. He's gotta go change his pants because of the knee pee.

332. It's not knee pee. I've got a speech to prepare for.

333. A speech? About what? Sad pant stains?

334. - I nailed him. - No, you didn't.

335. - Wait! - What?

336. We can't do this.

337. I can't just run up to Brendan panting like this.

338. Why? It makes you seem healthy.

339. Except for that face you're making and whatever's happening here.

340. He'll know I'm stalking him. I feel like people don't like that.

341. Okay, well, then let's get ahead of him,

342. turn around and pretend to casually bump into him.

343. - That's actually a good idea. - You didn't need to say "actually."

344. - Sorry. "Shockingly"? - Forget it. Just follow me.

345. - Oh, hey. Brendan, right? - Oh, hi.

346. - Molly. - Molly. Yeah, I remember.

347. The drawer-er-ist. Person who draws.

348. - "Drawer-ist"? - Yep.

349. What's going on? Are you okay? Did you fall off of something?

350. Oh, no.

351. My brother and I were just having a— We were having a stroll.

352. But we're not good at it, so we trip a lot.

353. - Hey, I'm Brendan. - Cole. Good name.

354. - Cole is? - No, Brendan. I mean, both are.

355. My kite's name is Ribsy.

356. - Oh, TMI. - Ice cream.

357. I mean, my brother and I were gonna go get some ice cream, the food.

358. We could eat it. Together. Or apart. Both work for me.

359. I guess maybe we could try eating ice cream together.

360. I mean, we've done it the other way, so we know what that's like.

361. Right. So, that box is checked.

362. Yeah. Strike that off the list.

363. Put that in the basket.

364. - Good conversation. - I wanna get ice cream.

365. - Even after all that? - If you let me see your sketchbook.

366. Maybe. After. After we get ice cream.

367. Okay. There's a cart just over there.

368. If I may, most days cart ice cream would be fine.

369. But we know where we can get free ice cream.

370. Free rich people ice cream made from rich cows and gold, I think.

371. It's true, but we do have to sneak in, kinda.

372. It's a big fancy lunch. Hats are involved.

373. - Let's do it! - Whoa.

374. Sorry. It just sounded really fun and I got excited.

375. - I'm pumped. - I like him.

376. - It's actually this way, buddy. - Okay.

377. While the kids make their way

378. towards that creamy, creamy, oh, so dreamy ice cream,

379. Bitsy's busy trying to make things between the Park League and the city people

380. even more rocky... road.

381. I can't believe what the mayor's people are saying about the Park League.

382. Did you hear what the Park League people are saying about the city?

383. I heard that they called you a butthole.

384. Pardon me for a moment.

385. Last time I saw you, you were emptying a bedpan off a balcony.

386. Hey!

387. Yep. I was a maid and now I've got it made. Sorry.

388. Did you inherit everything?

389. - Everything. - How many years was it?

390. I worked myself sick for 28 years.

391. How'd you do it? How'd you make it through?

392. All I had to do was forget I was a person.

393. You still working for Bitsy Brandenham?

394. You better believe it. I think we're in the home stretch.

395. Helen, where'd you go? I need you to burp me.

396. Good for you. Where there's a will, there's a way.

397. - Just make sure you're in the will. - Helen!

398. Look at these people.

399. I'm really stirring it up. Nobody stirs it up like me.

400. Did I tell you I stirred it up?

401. Maybe we should switch to coffee.

402. Whatever. But put something fun in it though, will you?

403. Like a drink and a cupcake.

404. Excellent to see you. How are you?

405. not doing a great job, can tell you that. It's just trees, water...

406. What? Are Bitsy and the mayor flirting?

407. Yes, with corruption.

408. Fancy people in there. Fancy ice cream in here.

409. Oh, here we go.

410. Ladies and gentlemen, today we honor a very special... person...

411. Why didn't they ratify the contract?

412. Yeah. Why didn't they ratify the contract?

413. who has worked in the park so long.

414. It's an insult.

415. Has worked in the park so long, he knows all the dirt.

416. Pause for laughter.

417. Excuse me. What's going on?

418. Why'd you freeze our contract?

419. Why do you have a contract that got frozen? See? It works both ways.

420. That doesn't make sense.

421. Fight, fight, fight. Who said that? Fight.

422. Ooh, feels just like high noon

423. Yeah We're sick of you tycoons

424. You're all gonna die soon

425. - Ageist! - Well, here comes the typhoon

426. - The park is mine - The park is mine!

427. - The park is mine - The park is mine!

428. - The park is mine - The park is mine!

429. - The park is mine - The park is all of ours

430. Mayor thinking that you own the town

431. Well, you're wearing dioramas Like a crown

432. You're killing tradition For your dividends

433. - You reek of entitlement - It's the Depends

434. Colonizers!

435. Colonizers!

436. I'm not sure either of you have a right to—

437. - We were here first - That's problematic.

438. - How? - Bureaucrats!

439. - Dilettantes! - Get the caskets for these geriatrics

440. - You can't hack it! - I heard he's flaccid

441. Oh, come on. One in four men—

442. How dare you bring up His erectile dysfunction

443. Screw this old luncheon Let's wreck this whole function!

444. Get to chuckin', toss the turducken Chew on this mutton!

445. You're all bluffin'

446. Cake to the face!

447. Werther's these perverts

448. Launch the sherbet

449. - They got Herbert! - Murder!

450. Why would you kill a party that we loved?

451. You white-collar kleptocratic Golfing thugs

452. High on your power

453. - It's prescription drugs - It's legal

454. Corporate puppets

455. Kick the bucket

456. - Fight! - Whoa

457. Look out for the train!

458. Whoa

459. I'm pulling the cane!

460. Whoa

461. - I'm bringing the rain - Bringing the rain?

462. Bringing the rain Bringing the rain

463. This is insane! People, please.

464. Oh, honey, duck.

465. Dad's speech went over worse than I thought it would.

466. - Aunt Bitsy? - What was that?

467. Oh, nothing. Nothing.

468. - God, what do you want? - Just a couple of questions.

469. I'm not doing an interview now.

470. I'm trying not to get killed. And I just got this haircut.

471. I just need one quote.

472. Are you personally involved with the tabling of the Park League contract?

473. No comment. Go away.

474. Did you tell Leo Shallenhammer to vote "no"?

475. Stop bothering me. I'm claustrophobic.

476. This is a new suit. Fighting is scary. Have you seen the nails on these women?

477. Give me a quote and I'll get you out of here.

478. I know the park and I know the table setup in here.

479. - Talk! - Fine.

480. You told Leo to vote "no."

481. Why ruin the relationship between the Park League and the city?

482. We think we can do better. Sorry.

483. What does that mean? Who's "we"?

484. - You got your quote, get me out of here. - Okay.

485. - Come on. Come on. Come on! - I'm coming, I'm coming.

486. Don't pull me!

487. Get in there and start pedaling.

488. Hey, hey! Hey! Fifteen bucks!

489. It's on me. It's on me.

490. - That guy looks like the mayor. - Who? Him? No. Jeez.

491. Hard to watch though, huh?

492. Oh, the park is mine

493. The park is mine

494. The park is mine

495. The park is mi—

496. I lost the mayor. Don't tell anybody.

497. Want me to throw those away?

498. This was fun. Not me taking your cups, just in general.

499. Oh, my God. He had fun.

500. This is like a date. Is this a date?

501. You had ice cream, there was a show, he had fun.

502. - Yeah, it's a date. - There's kissing at the end of a date.

503. Between you two, right? I'm not involved, am I?

504. Let's say no. Bye-bye.

505. - Where's Cole? - He had a meeting.

506. - Strange. - Nope, normal. Normal thing to say.

507. Okay. Hey, a deal's a deal. You have to show me your sketchbook.

508. Oh, yeah.

509. - There. - Okay.

510. Like a flip-book but if you don't really see any of it.

511. - Yep. - Well, I hope I see you again.

512. Me too. When I see you again.

513. Which I hope I do. Like you mentioned. You get it.

514. - Can I get your phone number? - Oh, yeah.

515. - Should I keep this? - Put your number in.

516. Joking. I can do that.

517. Also, oh, my God, this.

518. - Whoa. I never kissed anyone before. - Me neither.

519. - My lips feel funny. - Mine too.

520. Actually, my whole face feels funny.

521. Oh, wow. Were your lips always getting more and more swollen?

522. - What kind of ice cream did you eat? - Peanut butter parfait. Why?

523. I'm allergic to peanuts!

524. Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no!

525. What do I do? Oh, here, let me help.

526. - Let me help you. - Give me my EpiPen.

527. Hey.

528. In conclusion, let me just say, thank you, Merle Fowler, for everything.

529. Wow, Owen. Was that maybe your best speech ever?

530. I think it was. People just need to be tired from fighting, I guess.

531. - Did you get the quote? - I got it.

532. - You want some ice cream? - I do.

533. Did you hear me ad-lib that part about the guy with the glasses?

534. I did.

535. Ad-lib about the guy with the— Oh, my God.

536. He took my advice. He took my advice!

537. I mean, good for him, but I mean, me! Anyway.

538. Life gives you lemons So you take 'em in stride

539. If you get the lemons talking There's a story inside

540. Your metaphors are messy But you're still the top

541. Now, back on the train 'Cause this isn't our stop

542. Be aware, we're almost there So wait and see

543. 'Cause Mama's got this, Mama's got this

544. Oops, forgot deodorant.

545. We think our mama's got this

546. Mama's got this, Mama's got this

547. Mom's looking like a boss

548. Did she roll around in sauce?

549. Here's Mama

550. Mama's got this

551. Is Mom speaking Polish?

552. She's definitely trying to.

553. Okeydoke.

554. One great quote about the vote

555. I'm on my way

556. Sing it!